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Today my ball hit the button and my world is falling apart

2023.06.04 22:55 misaka906 Today my ball hit the button and my world is falling apart

If you're aware of the ball inside a box analogy, you should give it a quick read, especially if you've experienced loss.
I'm a 27M, currently studying in uni here in Canada. Average looking guy, unironically have too much money to spend for my own, I have my own house and a good job. I'm living an introvert's paradise. But it's starting to take a toll on me.
I have bestfriends and family, but I'm always alone. I'd like to think that it's not too hard to get a date for me since I've tried, managed to hook up once in a while but it's always unsettling for me. Not just for me but my partners. I feel like I could be so much more and is still capable to be in a good relationship, there's just one problem. My ex wife ruined me and it scares me to no end that people are just out to take advantage of me.
Let's jump back about 12 years ago when we first became boyfriend and girlfriend. She is a mega stacy, malakas mang okray, and just the worst and also the best person I ever met that time. Half of our college life, I spent courting her friend who never reciprocated my feelings. It was okay, I was young, I went after the cutest girl in our room, it was a love based on looks i guess. So when her friend got a boyfriend, I gave up and just focus on my career. She was always my wingman so nung na busted ako, she just laughed at me. She's the worst person afterall. On our 3rd-4th year, we became close friends, best friends in fact. It was hard to say that I love her romantically because I see her as a tropa or maybe kapatid, or maybe I just distanced myself from her enough to avoid it, but I can tell it's there. She's not a very romantic person either, she loves kpop, very girly, but not the type of girl who has crushes on guys. She's also an introvert like me so we had the mutual boundary respect going on.
A month before we graduated, my papers to move to Canada as a permanent resident was accepted and we had to move on the next month right away. That's when I first realized I'm going to have to leave her and the thought nearly broke me. This is the first time I realized I actually love her. If her friend was 9/10, she was an 8 in appearance but is an 11/10 on everything else. So I confessed, I told her I love her and her reply was basically "I think I love you too but we're about to enter an LDR so I'm really not sure. Let's just stay the way we are and see where it goes."
6 years later we're still going strong. Everything I did for the past years was all for her. I got my first house, I saved tons that it's enough to let us travel to different countries after she accepts to marry me. So I went back home in PH, asked her to marry me and she did. I saved for a church wedding too but first we agreed to get a civil wedding first just so I could process her papers and bring her to Canada with me. It was the best time of our life and we're both happy. Until the we're not.
Maybe the trauma clouded my memories, even as I type this, I'm trying to remember the events that concluded before the day I lost her. June 2019, 3rd month after our wedding, we're still happy, but I'm back to Canada and grinding for more savings. We were so contented and just waiting for her papers to be processed. November 2019, something happened to her relating to her sister's husband trying to make a move on her. Pina demanda nmin and I remember being so mad. December was hazy, we were both so stressed, winter weather is adding on to me, I'm always tired and cold. January 2020, 2 months before the start of pandemic. I remember I had a few arguments with her that wasn't really anything major. I got upset and decided it's my turn na babyhin, because I would always apologize to her when we argue sometimes. Initially I planned to see how long it'll take for her to text me. Little did I know that, it was the last time I would hear of her every again.
During this time, I tooky time in planning trips and surprising her. I booked us a flight to France by february, we'll spend a month there and go to Japan by March and tumura sa relative namin. By April we would go back home to PH and spend more time there together. But covid had other plans for me, by other plans I mean, it literally just kept me from seeing her.
February is fast approaching, and she's still not messaging me. At this point I've already been spamming our messenger for weeks. I've contacted her friends, sisters and mother and they won't tell me anything aside from just "give her time". Our trip to France was set and I went there myself, spend 2 days alone in a hotel before I decided to cut it short and go home. (I got lucky because the next day, they closed down the whole country). So I'm back here in Canada, waiting and just working. Worried sick and full of anxiety. And just like that, I lost my wife and never heard of her again. Of course I went through the stages of grief. I was in a loophole. Maybe she just needs more time.. Maybe she cheated? Maybe i fucked up for not apologizing to her on our last argument 6 months ago. By the end of 2020 I was in deep depression and I never really attempted suicide but the thought to this day lingers. It's just that, everytime the thought of killing myself becomes ripe, my bestfriends would always be there to distract me and give me a good time. Seeing my mother helped a lot too. I can't break her heart so I mostly fought for her. I haven't given her a proper gift since I was born because I didn't had a job back then and when I did get one, I was already so focus to my wife. The last thing I could do to her is give her a dead child. It was a harrowing 2 years of knowing nothing and just moving in autopilot. The box was so small that the ball just keeps bumping that button and it always fucks me up when it does. In those 2 years I've also burned through my savings building my expensive ass PCs, games, alchohol, weeds and traveling across Canada to hook up.
It was only last year when I finally got tired of my loophole that I finally started dragging myself to move on inch by inch. I started working again and got a good job. I'm making new friends and pursuing my career. I made peace with my unresolved past and each day, the box for me grows bigger for me giving me more time and space to breathe on.
Today my ball hit the button and my world was falling apart until I got this off my chest by writing this. Thanks for reading.
submitted by misaka906 to OffMyChestPH [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:54 OnlineCalisthenics You Don't Have To Count Macros

Wether your goal is losing fat or building muscle, learning and understanding what you eat is the simplest, easiest and best way to get long term results.
The overall goal is to be in a calorie deficit for fat loss or calorie surplus to build muscle. You can also be in a calorie maintenance to maintain your current stats.
We ALL know when we eat too much or too little.
We just don't stop eating too much, while KNOWINGLY doing so!
Here is an easy method to estimate your daily calorie intake and see where you are compared to what you actually spend in a day.
1. Know how to differentiate macros and calories
There are 3 types of macro nutrients: proteins, carbohydrates and fats.
Some macros contain a different amount of calories:
Here is an ideal average split that you can use for your meal reference:
2. Learn to estimate calories in a meal
Here the average meal calorie amounts:
This takes this average meal to 1335 calories.
If you eat that 3 times: 3 x 1335 = 4005 calories ~ 4K Calories per day
This would be a high level athlete regimen.
3. Gauge what you need in a day
You'll spend a maximum of 20% of your total daily calories to sustain your workout. The 80% remaining goes to your daily and vital physiological functions.
There is NO way to hack this process.
However this depends on your age, size, height, lifestyle, overall health, and activity level, here is an idea of what you roughly consume/need in a day:
4. Gauge what you consume in a day
5. Create intuitive habits
Now compare what you actually eat and spend every day, and adjust as needed.
Read the labels on every packaging, try to gauge what is in your plate at the restaurant, and make smart decisions based on that.
It won't be perfect right away, but working in that direction and making adjustments will make it right and intuitive eventually.
Click here to get my FREE 1 Day Meal Planner to start building great habits!
submitted by OnlineCalisthenics to onlinecalisthenics [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:54 Jon_wicked A Diablo 4 Opinion

First of all I would like to say I played all the blizzard games and that they were a big part of my early teen years. Diablo 2 was the greatest of all time to me (possibly still is). Diablo 2 resurrected was fun and exciting for me but it quickly became boring and repetitive once the nostalgia wore off. The only other game that has kept me coming back for more is Path of Exile. For 9 years now and it definitely has its issues but it truly feels the best it’s ever been. So when I heard about Diablo 4 my first thought was, it’s about time. I felt blizzard had to have learned a lot from the success of POE and the mistakes that were made with Diablo 3 so I pre purchased the game for $89.99 to get early access. I played both beta weekends, started with the sorcerer and played all the classes by the second weekend and it left me having doubts. Now that we are 2 days in with early access here are my final thoughts/Takes.
I started with the necromancer this time. I had are hard time choosing, I think It's because none of the charaters stood out to me and the class controversy surrounding them had me questioning.
The Good
The game looks and feels great, Dare I say better then POE. The sound and music are good. The voice acting and cut scenes are the best. Boss fights in general are way better then I was expecting. I know this isn't a lot to say about whats good with the game. There is a reason for that I will explain.
The Bad
The skill tree is too linear and really most of the skills we have seen before. Skeletons?, Chain lighting?, were-bear form? Ok I guess, I just wanted to feel something more fresh. All the rogue skills feel the same (although I won't pretend to be the expert with that I didn't play rogue much). Overall the classes and skills are disappointing. The way items and monsters scale in this game is very concerning to me. Ultimately I felt the same power level from 1 to 30, which is were I'm at currently at with the necromancer. The monetization in this game is bad. There is just about ever type you can possibly have in this game. I just have to say I can see future paragon boards for sale, I know it may be too soon to say but at a minimum of $69.99, knowing for fact future expansions will also cost money, and having a cash shop is more towards the dark side IMO. The QOL that is held back in the game like a map overlay is puzzling to me but maybe not when you consider the pervious sentences.
The Middle
Here is were I explain for the lack of "Good" in this game. The middle contains things that aren't really bad they just aren't good either. Potions have the potential to shine although it’s concerning to be able to craft xp boost ones (who is that for? To make us play longer?). Open world wasn’t really open like I thought or hoped for because to me you have to go through the story no matter what at least the first time. On top of that the narrow walkways are constant in this game which make different areas feel same. Copy and paste sprinkle a different mob.
In closing
I want to like Diablo 4 and I hope it dose well. I have stopped playing it for now. I feel this game is overall a dull expirence and I just can’t see playing it when I already have the time invested into a already established game like Path of exile. I also can’t shake the feeling that one of two things are going on with Diablo 4.
1= the devs have so much held back, like the QOL, that they already have ready for future expansions/ seasons to make money, to time gate, to get you to play longer.
2= none of what I said in one is true and they just built a great foundation for a game they want to build on for years to come.
Which do you believe? Are you a 1 or 2? What are some of your opinions?
Thanks for reading gamers.
submitted by Jon_wicked to diablo4 [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:53 Thick_Mick_Chick Song of Soliloquy

If there was one thing Soliloquy hated? She really hated being proven wrong. She knew she couldn't be right about everything but she HATED being 100% sure she was wrong. It made her look stupid and stupid was something Soliloquy most certainly was not.
She wasn't like the other kids. Mama said that was okay. We weren't meant to be like everyone else. What makes us different also makes us special. Soliloquy believed it because there's no way Mama would lie to her.
Mama was so smart. She'd picked up on all of the little things Soliloquy did as a baby and, then, a toddler. Mama knew Soliloquy was such a "special" girl. Only she truly believed in Soliloquy. She'd never known her Daddy. Mama didn't care for talking about him too much. From what little Mama did say about him? It's probably better off that way.
She'd been so little when the first incident happened. Mama knew for certain then. There'd been no doubt left in Mama's mind. Mama had been busy and didn't get Soliloquy's bottle warmed up for her in a timely fashion. She was just a baby and had no way of controlling her anger. It wasn't poor Mama's fault, either. She had her hands full being a single mother. It just exploded. Mama said that it scared her so! She was grateful she hadn't been close to the microwave because the glass went everywhere. Mama knew from that day that she could never be late with Soliloquy's bottle ever again.
Now? This turdy boy thinks a tomato is a fruit?! Why would he think that?! EVERYONE knows tomatoes are vegetables!
"Dummy! I'm trying to tell you! If you weren't so freaking poor? Maybe you could afford a cell phone and Google it, Stupid!" Grover Dill was not a nice, cute, clean nor smart boy. All he was to Soliloquy was trouble and headaches. He'd bullied her every since kindergarten and he hadn't let up one day from then until now. He hasn't even slowed down in the 6th grade. Mama always tried to talk Soliloquy down when he tormented her so. She really hoped she made it home this time so Mama could do it, again. Soliloquy knew if she had another "spell"? Mama would be so disappointed. Please, please, please, let her make it back home, again.
"At least I'm not named after a Sesame Street muppet!" Soliloquy could feel tears sting her eyes.
"And your name means you talk to yourself!" Grover just had to say something. He couldn't just let it go.
She was walking away. She was trying so hard. It was happening, though. She wasn't getting flushed. She was getting HOT!
"GROVER CLAUDE DILL! DON'T SAY NOTHIN' ELSE TO ME!" Soliloquy was burning up.
"NOTHIN', WHITE TRASH!" Grover was cackling and Soliloquy was coming unglued.
She kept trying to distract herself. It wasn't helping. Where would it go this time? What would it mean? She should "put it" somewhere. But put it where?
"Back off! Calm down!" Soliloquy shut her eyes and kept repeating the 2 phrases, over and over, more to herself than anyone. Something was cracking, splitting, something was breaking!
Soliloquy opened her eyes to see Grover Dill standing underneath a tree with a very heavy branch that was cracking and breaking. Of course? Being the hillbilly, redneck, The Hills Have Eyes inbred that he is? He was too busy cackling like an old mountain witch to notice.
"I should tell him. I should. Mama would be disappointed, but I just can't take anymore of him!" Soliloquy debated with her conscience. She knew it was wrong. You ain't suppose to be doin' wrong. Sweet little baby Jesus, she just couldn't take him, anymore. So? Soliloquy settled on, "What Mama don't know won't hurt her."
She looked up at the branch. It honestly could've went either way, at that point. She knew which way it would go this time.
The tree branch groaned in protest as it continued to break away from it's perch. Then? CRAAAAAAACK! In the words of John Mellencamp (one of Mama's favorites since she's from Indiana, too)? It came "Crumblin' Down."
It all seemed to happen in slow motion. The branch completely broke free and plummeted towards Grover's useless head. Soliloquy thought, "It's going to be more useless in about 3 more seconds." And? Soliloquy stifled a giggle.
Boom! Soliloquy couldn't believe what she'd seen. The branch fell on Grover just as he threw his head back to laugh harder. BAM! Smack in his face! Grover let out a guttural scream as the branch slammed his face and the rest of his body folded like an accordion as he fell to the sidewalk. He was breathing really funny and it sounded wet. Oh, no. She thought it would just knock him out! This was more than she could deal with. Mama would know how to handle this. She was so sure of it!
"Better look around and see if anyone was watching." Soliloquy began scanning the school, playground and sidewalk she was on. School had been over for awhile. No one was around. Don't ask? Don't tell. She ran all the way home.
Contrary to the skid mark named Grover Dill's opinion? She most certainly was not white trash. It was true that all that Mama could afford was a trailer. The trailer was clean and Soliloquy had her own room and she was happy. She didn't have a problem so why did that poster child for abortion have to say such mean and hurtful things? Did that make him deserving of a death sentence? As Soliloquy peaked the little hill right before her house? She saw Mama out in the front yard. Thank the Lord! She'll know what to do.
"Soliloquy, Baby? That you?" Mama looked up as she rounded the corner. Soliloquy ran to her until she almost passed out.
"Mama! I didn't mean to, Mama!" Soliloquy began to plead her case just as soon as she saw her.
"Baby! What's happened?" Mama's furrowed brow let Soliloquy know she was very concerned.
"Mama! I swear, Mama!" Soliloquy finally reached Mama and hugged her like she'd never let go.
"Come inside, Baby, and tell me what happened." Mama took Soliloquy inside and they both sat on the couch. Soliloquy was so happy to be home if not happy about her circumstance.
"Mama! It was Grover, again!" Soliloquy was tearing up
"What did he do this time, Soliloquy?" Mama asked as if she were irritated that his name even got brought up.
"I didn't know, Mama. I really thought tomatoes were vegetables. Grover told me they are actually fruit." Soliloquy timidly approached the subject.
"And that was the fight?" Mama knew there had to be more to this.
"No, there was more. That's just what started it." Soliloquy replied and Mama nodded her head in acknowledgement.
"He just wouldn't stop, Mama. He just..." Soliloquy burst into tears.
"Soliloquy? Did you have another spell?" Mama always got right to the point.
Welp. There it was. The time to cough it up. "I tried not to, Mama. Please, believe me!"
"Soliloquy? Tell me what happened and tell me what happened right now. I'm not angry, but I do need to know." Mama was getting more upset.
"Deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth." Soliloquy said to herself.
"Okay. We kept arguing and he was saying really nasty things and I was getting so mad, Mama!" She couldn't hold back.
"He was really hurtful and hateful and I... I....." Soliloquy tapered off.
"You had a spell?" Mama already knew.
"Yes, Mama. I did." Soliloquy replied and stayed silent.
"How bad was it, Baby?" Mama resigned herself to the fate of knowing it has most certainly happened, again.
"Bad, bad, Mama." Soliloquy placed her head in her hands and openly sobbed.
"Baby? Is he dead?" Mama needed to know.
"I don't know, Mama. I just don't know." Soliloquy was racked with sobs.
"Baby, this isn't your fault. I was hoping it wouldn't get this bad. I was hoping it'd would never go this far. This is something you just can't control. There's no way you can when you get older. It happened to me, too." Mama said without realizing she'd just turned Soliloquy's world upside down.
What did she mean it happened to her, too? Wait, what?
"Mama? What do you mean it happened to you?" Soliloquy was certain she'd feel better once she talked to Mama but she most definitely was not feeling better.
"Soliloquy, you've had these spells every since you were born. Well? Before you were born? I had them."
Mama had the spells when she was younger, too?
"I was born like you. I had spells from time to time and it was usually out of my control until I got older. I learned how to self soothe so nothing really bad happened. I thought it was all okay. I really did. Well, when I met your Daddy? I thought I'd never have another spell, again. I really did. I loved him so much. In the beginning? He was good to me, too. Then? Bethany. She just had to come along and screw it up. She was so much prettier and thinner than me and your Daddy just fell head over heels. I was crushed. I was devastated. How can I compete with skinny ass Methany? What could I do to make sure your Daddy stayed with me? Well, I thought of what women have thought of since time immemorial. I got pregnant. Your Daddy was happy at first. He really wanted you. As time went on? I got bigger and more unattractive as I got further along. Pregnancy isn't normally when a woman looks her best. Well, that just made your horn dog Daddy run to Bethany even more. I was losing him and couldn't do a thing about it. One day? A few weeks before I was due to have you? Your Daddy came to me and informed me that he's moving in with Bethany. He said he wanted nothing further to do with me and would see me in court over visitation and support. He very much wanted to be in your life, but not mine. Well, who in the hell does he think he is? I'll be damned if he's coming to see you but doesn't want me! So? As he stood at the bottom step of our front porch? Flames started licking his workboots and he screamed. I just laughed with delight the whole time he was burning up! When I had you? The "spells" moved onto you and left me." Mama just smiled at Soliloquy like she just told her what the weather was like outside.
Soliloquy's head was spinning. Mama killed Daddy because he only wanted me and not her? No. NO! THAT'S NOT IT!
"Mama, you just got mad and it got away from you, right?" Soliloquy hoped she said yes.
"Oh, no, Baby. The second he told me he wanted you but not me? I crisped him like bacon!" Mama laughed. She actually laughed.
Soliloquy didn't know how to get out of this. Mama actually KILLED her Daddy. She never got to meet him. She never got to love him. She'd never known anything more than the crappy little podunk town she'd been born and raised in. She could've known more. She could've known nicer. She could've known better.
"What's the matter, Baby? You look unhappy." Was Mama actually serious? What's the matter? WHAT'S THE MATTER? SHE HAS GOT TO BE KIDDING!
It started happening. The flames licked onto the outside of the trailer and climbed up its walls and doors.
"Soliloquy! What are you doing? Why are you burning up the trailer? Stop it this instant!" Now Mama was the one angry.
"No, Mama, I can't do that. You wanted me all to yourself. Well? Here I am. Both of us can head down to hell together." Soliloquy looked at her with a sinister smile. It was then she just had to laugh. Sesame Street was on the T.V. behind Mama sobbing. Guess Grover got the last laugh after all.
submitted by Thick_Mick_Chick to NaturesTemper [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:53 burks21 Finally played Cyberpunk. It's....uhh....

......FREAKING AMAZING. I followed the project since it was announced, but then grad school, COVID, and delays all got in the way of things. I've had my PS5 since launch month and barely had 30 hours on it. I've doubled that since starting 2077.
The storyline(s) are intriguing and well written. I rarely found myself skipping conversations or scenes. It has kept me glued to the TV every second. While I have no completed the main line, Panam's story was fantastic. More on that in a bit....
The action is well done. I don't need wall running, super jumping (yes I know that's in the game but I have yet to find it to be a requirement), hacking, stealth, etc. It all just works so well. You can truly play the game how you want to and be successful. I'm normally a LEROOOOOY JEEEEEENKINS type gamer but I found myself really enjoying the stealth aspect.
The map design and layout really feels like a real city. Side streets, on/off ramps, multi layered roads, alleys, just everything design wise makes it feel real. I really like how they not only made the map design large in terms of L x W, but the tall buildings you can actually go INSIDE of just added, literally, a new dimension.
My favorite part....the graphics. My. God. They. Are. Beautiful. Now I've never been a person to play a game because "it has the newest RTX and requires a minimum of 1000w of CPU/GPU processing power". Hell, I still play SNES games and marvel at how well they look. Remember, I'm on PS5 in performance mode. The neon lights (HUGE FAN) just bring the city to life. They nailed the color pallet and environment together.
I found the weapons to be bland. I didn't want Borderlands style but something....more. Not much else to say.
Still has some glitches and bugs. Simply annoying buy I've had two that hard stopped me, requiring a restart. Not game breaking but annoying.
Once you complete a storyline with a NPC, they might as well die. It would be cool to make friends in the game and then bring them on missions, interact with them, live life. Even taking insert chosen lover on a date to earn whatever (new clothing, weapons, vehicles, etc) after their main storyline would just deepen the immersion.
Overall, the game was worth the multiple years of waiting. What I'd love to see (it won't happen but I can dream right?), is the team to take the Cyberpunk 2077 world and almost do a life simulator. It sort of is now but add a more personal touch. Friends, dating, job, thirst, hunger, rent, etc. The world is made for it. Hell, I'd even pay monthly for it! Could be online/offline too. The team could just add a few new shops a week, seasonal events, etc. But that's a dream. It'll never happen. Damn. Damn. Damn.....
submitted by burks21 to cyberpunkgame [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:53 CharmCityCrab Small B5-Related Star Trek: Picard Spoiler

This may already have been mentioned. I didn't see it, but this sub gets a surprising amount of posts for a show that ended so long ago!
Anyhow, in Season 3 Episode 10 of Star Trek: Picard (Available streaming on Paramount Plus in the US), Walter Koenig, Bester on Babylon 5, has a brief voice-only cameo as Federation President Anton Chekov, the son or grandson of Koenig's character on the original Star Trek television show, Pavel Chekov.
The first name of the Federation President was likely chosen as a homage to another actor, Anton Yelchin, who portrayed Pavel Chekov in recent Star Trek movies set in an alternate timeline (Sometimes popularly referred to as the Kelvinverse) from all the rest of the shows and movies, and passed away in real life.
It's definitely Walter Koenig's voice, though.
It's near the beginning of the episode, so if you want to hear it, it won't take up much of you time.
With that said, it's literally the last episode of the Picard series, which is only 30 episodes long, so if you want to watch the series someday, you might want to hold off and start at the beginning.
I would say that the last ten minutes or so of S3 E9 was the best 10 minutes of Star Trek I've seen since Deep Space Nine went off the air, but only if you like TNG nostalgia. :)
The first two seasons of the show are light on the TNG elements and heavy on the "What's going on with Jean-Luc Picard these days?", but the third season is much more TNG (and Star Trek in general) nostalgia heavy. Consequentially, the third season gets the best reviews. The first two seasons are not a complete waste of time, though.
submitted by CharmCityCrab to babylon5 [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:52 Iridescent_b Got a gas poisoning and my mom won't let me go to the hospital

Me (F24) and my family (mom and little sister) moved into a new house a week ago. Some things have been damaged and it's been a huge mess.
Last Friday Mom and Little Sis went to a friend's house and I stayed in to organize some of my stuff. By the end of the night I started to notice a strong smell of gas (we're Brazilians, most stoves are gas stoves in here) and I realized there was a gas leak. I tried to fix it but only ended up making it worse. So I messaged my mom to ask for instructions and she contacted the landlady (we're renting and the owners live on the same street). By the time the landlady got here I had already inhaled a lot of gas and was starting to feel mentally confused. She was very kind and helpful, and managed to stop the leak, but at this point I was already intoxicated.
Yesterday Mom and Little Sister came back home and didn't seem to notice much. The problem is, I was so confused that I couldn't realize that I was, in fact, confused. I could only notice how tense and nervous I was, and how much everyone seemed to be acting weird (in my pov). My mom did say at some point that I seemed to be tense, but didn't ask anything. As someone with Anxiety Disorder I'm pretty used to feeling panickeded for no specific reason, so I didn't mind it much.
By the end of the night I took an alcoholic beverage to try to calm a bit and not annoy my family too much with my anxiety. But another problem is, I'm not used to drinking and it only made everything worse, and I got extremely confused by everything. My mom seemed to notice it but didn't ask anything, again. We all got ready to sleep and said our goodnights. Before falling asleep I sent a very confused message to my psychiatrist, (who's been caring for me for over 6 years now and who I trust a lot), telling her about the gas leak and how everything felt weird and wrong.
Today she called me and, seeing how I was still a bit out of it, instructed me to go to the city's emergency. My mom didn't like the idea and was strongly against it, going as far as saying we don't have money to be taking an Uber for "no reason", and got even angrier after my doctor calling and trying to reason with her. We had a huge fight and my mom is blaming me for being "aggressive". My poor little sister saw everything and I can only hope she won't be too traumatized by this.
It's been hours that I'm locked in my room, I didn't eat anything today, and everything feels wrong. It feels like I've been hit by a train while drunk.
I'm supposed to be a competent adult yet I'm locked in my room, living with my problematic mom and feeling like a child for not being taken seriously for having a gas poisoning. Days like this make me wish I was never born at all.
I don't have anyone to talk about this, so I'm posting here just to vent, I guess. I'm already feeling less confused, at least.
(Already posted this on another subreddit, guess I'm venting twice)
submitted by Iridescent_b to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:50 hotcarlfernandez Can anyone comment on this unusual neurological linguistic link?

I am/was mutlilingual, a polyglot in point of fact and multidialectal owing to being brought up around so many different languages and accents. A few years ago I moved to Montreal after some injuries that shifted my career path away from athletics and over toward linguistics. After about 3 months I was conversant in French, but I noticed that I was starting to lose my ability to fluently speak English, which by all rights shouldn't happen to a first language so suddenly. I could still fully understand English if it was spoken to me, and while I was slower and needed to reference a dictionary, I could still write in English at an academic level. The problem was limited to speech. Shortly after that I returned to an English speaking area, and after 3 months, I began losing my French speaking ability. I haven't lived in a French speaking area for some time now and while my speech is all but gone, I can still understand a great deal of French when I hear it.
While I have transitioned away from linguistics as a career, I continue to learn and improve my knowledge of languages. I understand English, Chinese, Japanese, French, and Spanish relatively fluently. I understand Russian, Tlichoo Yatii, Ukrainian, Romanian, Cape Verdian Creole, Bambara, Somali, and Korean on a linguistic level. I'm learning Afrikaans, German, Xhosa and Portuguese knows what she did and why I won't write to her anymore... I'm still only able to speak 1 language at a time, but I've found I still code switch and naturally my accent will shift if the accent surrounding me changes.
After many an fMRI post sporting injury and then ASD diagnosis [unironically in that order], neurologists have found I have an unusual pattern of hypoconnectivity between Broca's area and Wernicke's area in my brain, along with some hyperconnected white mattern irregularities in the prefrontal cortex (yet to be comprehensively mapped). Does anyone have any experience with a case like this??? If you do, I'd appreciate if you could elaborate on your experience, not so I can somehow fix my brain, but it would greatly help my doctors and colleagues with their research into this.
Many thanks 🙏 💚
submitted by hotcarlfernandez to slp [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:47 Key_Appeal9116 Curious About Opinions On Social Credit as a Solution

Not the Chinese kind but the kind proposed by C.H. Douglas. For those that need a quick explanation, please see the "" paragraph at the bottom.
I may have missed the argument on this point for social credit but alas, I do not recall. One major criticism that I have with the idea of Social Credit is the desire for business profit and debt elimination. In the schema of issuing debt free credit, businesses would inevitably compete for that credit in order to pay down debt. With competition comes higher prices (not lower as many will claim) meaning a bigger gap. So now the gap payment is bigger. Businesses now have more to compete for so they raise prices again. Now the gap is bigger and... Without a mechanism that prevents a business from raising prices too aggressively there will be an increase in the gap over time as businesses gather up credit with higher margins to pay down bank debt and get higher margins. What business would willingly lower prices or avoid raising prices? They want profit.
So now we find that businesses are paying down their debts and not lowering prices while still maintaining low wages (because remember, they can keep wages as low as they want and the government will fill the gap). With the ability to maintain those prices while driving wages into the ground AND lowering costs through debt payoff, the gap explodes. People are being loaded with credit every month and it's being directed towards living expenses instead of debts, so the average person still has a potential shortage in their income needs versus available products so they take out more debt. This skews the system further as workers need more in wages and credit to fill the gap caused by their borrowing. Assuming they're being paid, of course.
In a social credit schema, I could very easily operate as a business that relies on the gap to pay my workers as I offer a wage of $0 per hour. Now every paycheck my workers earn is government credit instead of out of my reserve. I then have the ability to set the price of my goods to my heart's content and make pure profits beyond the remaining non-wage costs of production. With these profits I can eliminate my debt to the point of being debt free thus leaving only the final costs of production such as materials, land, and tax. Suddenly we live in a world where everyone is paid the same paycheck in ever increasing monthly amounts and we have ever increasing discounts on prices because prices will go up anyways to capture more profits, thus offsetting the force of the discount to begin with. Our personal debts keep growing as businesses collect more and more debt-free government credit in their reserves... Then start lending out notes for those credits to their most loyal customers who shop only at that one business. And then they lend out more than they have in reserve with interest. Hello private fractional reserve bank that produces a debt fiat-currency! Nice to meet you again! The very problem Social Credit seeks to solve with a public monetary creation system will inevitably be used by private entities to perpetuate the next era of that very same problem.
^ Social Credit is a monetary-economic theory from early to mid 20th century Scotland based on workers' rights and public interests. The basic idea behind C.H. Douglas' Social Credit theory is that in modern markets based on debt-fiat, prices and wages simply cannot be matched; in order for the business to cover the costs of operation they must cover both the workers' wages and the other capital costs of production. If P is the total Price of a finished good and P is equal to A (the cost of wage) plus B (the cost of other capital) then it's impossible for A to equal A + B (the total price). Thus the solution to the problem is to calculate the gap between wages and the cost of goods as a social credit that is created debt free from the government and issued either as a direct payment to the population (this is NOT the same as a UBI but I won't dive into that here) or as a government discount on prices sold by businesses. In theory, this debt free social credit issued from the government instead of the bank would cover the precise cost of the gap in wages and prices while also slowly eliminating the debts owed to the bank.
submitted by Key_Appeal9116 to antiwork [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:46 Lee-Dog "windows did not start correctly" help

So I went to boot up my PC last night and after it tried to auto repair it blue screened with "windows did not start correctly". I have tried all the basic troubleshooting steps and it wouldn't boot in safe mode. I thought my m.2 SSD might have bit the dust so I swapped it into another computer and it booted up just fine, I got the m.2 from the other computer and it booted up on my system just fine. Now I am at a loss for why my system won't boot, any ideas? Thanks for the help!
submitted by Lee-Dog to techsupport [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:45 The_Dying_Swan Picodi - Give £4, Get £4. Plus, earn £20 for inviting 3 friends [Ends 7th July]

Picodi is a newer cashback app. Doesn't have the best rates but you can also make money by inviting friends and family to the app.
Cashout starts at £5, so you won't be able to withdraw straight away. However, the £4 is instant.
Switch off AdBlock (if you use it) whilst shopping through Picodi, so that your purchase tracks correctly.
They have a total of 12 categories (Home & Garden; Electronics; Fashion; Sports; Food; Travel and transport etc) and well over a hundred places to earn cashback.
Some examples include:
  • Pizza Hut and Domino's 2.6%
  • Sports Direct and JD 3.3%
  • Morrisons £2.99
  • Groupon 6.5%
Join now and get £4, and £4 for each referral. Plus, invite 3 people and get a total of £20!
Proof here.
  • Join with a referral link and get £4
  • For every person who registers using your link and completes a purchase of £8, you will receive £4
  • Plus, invite 3 people and receive a total of £20
Picodi ref. link - the new app in town - free £4
Withdrawals start at £5, so you'll need to earn £1 extra by buying gift cards / vouchers.

non-ref - no bonus
submitted by The_Dying_Swan to beermoneyuk [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:43 Flashy-Ad3360 I'm 27 and I have been single since high school because I have got a big problem with women.

I'm 27 and I have been single since high school. I've got a big problem with women and I'd really like to vent:
my dating life was perfect when I was in high school, I literally had girls pursuing me all the time and the other boys were envious. Some girls in my neighbourhood who knew me because their parents were friends with my parents literally chose to attend my high school just to have an excuse to be around me every day, I swear I'm not making this up. Women at that age are much more spontaneous and less ''tactical''. They see an attractive guy? They go for it. But when you grow up and hang out with older women, it's a whole different game.
False modesty aside, while I do not like to sound conceited and call myself attractive, I can say that my looks are the reason why I didn't struggle as a young guy. I look a lot like Michiel Huisman lol.
I still receive lots of compliments from women and even other men, I get stares when I go out (ofc not every random woman checks me out, but it does happen), sometimes even women in cars look at me, yet I struggle a lot when it comes to dating because I have a huge problem.
The reason I struggle is that I need to be chased. I'm not like most men and the way I feel attraction works differently, I do not see a woman and find her attractive if she looks good. A woman can look perfect, be a nice person and all, yet I still won't feel attracted. Why? I need to be stimulated mentally. I fall in love with the emotions a woman makes me feel. If a woman doesn't make me feel any emotion, I won't feel attraction or desire in the slightest way. That's why I need to be chased. I want a woman to make me feel wanted and desired, as a person and in a sexual way, I want to see the effort, I want her to ask for sex and I have to admit I like to play hard to get.
This may sound too much, but I think I don't have unreasonable standards. I don't care how much a woman makes, I don't need her to be as slim as a model as long as she's in a healthy weight range, I do not need a woman who can cook and do the house chores as I'm good at both, I do not need anything from a woman. I only want a woman who looks like my type and who makes me feel wanted in bed and outside the bedroom. That's it. Only two requirements.
The big problem is that they are things women don't do. They may give you the green light or ''flirt'' with you in a way that makes you understand they like you, but they do not really pursue men.
If a woman only gives me the green light, I won't feel motivated to do the rest of the ''work'', I do not only need an ''invitation'' to start things, that's not enough to make me feel wanted, it's just a ''green light''. I literally am unable to fall in love with a woman or even feel attracted to a woman in any other way. Even if I want to find someone to settle down with and have a family, that's impossible for me, I'm unable to fall in love or feel attraction the way most men do.
Why do not women just chase men? Men chase women, women should chase men too. It's not fair that they don't.
submitted by Flashy-Ad3360 to confessions [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:43 rektkid_ Heating not working after water pump change

Heating not working after water pump change
Changed the water pump on my 1.2tsi mk7 VW Golf and now the heater core doesn’t seem to be getting hot.
Pipes going in and out of the core seem to be hot and cool. I’ve tried squeezing the pipes to help circulate but no dice.
Heating worked fine before the pump change.
I’m starting to wonder if the pump is actually working, but the engine seems to hold temp at 90 so I guess it’s fine?
Or maybe it’s just bad luck and the heater core is blocked..
Where do I go from here?
submitted by rektkid_ to MechanicAdvice [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:42 Thisisausersurname positive and slight negative update: windows are more frequent, baseline is better, but I have pelvic pain now

edit: I just realized that I made a similar post couple days ago and I forgot that I posted it but anyway I won't delete it :)
my baseline was 50-60 percent of pre-pssd. since mid may, I have only visited that baseline for a week(around 21-28 may). between 13-21 may and 27-28 may to today, I am around 80-90 percent of my pre-pssd levels. I feel like I am making this my new baseline. to be sure I need to wait 1-2 weeks more.
still, sometimes I lose sensitivity and it is hard to stay hard all the time. but libido is increasing, I can reach my full length and stay there more, when my penis is not erect, it doesn't look small at all. when u have pssd, there is this weird feeling on ur penis all the time. u can feel "the insensitivity" even when it is not erect. even when I touch, I would understand this. now, it feels normal when it is not erect. also I am getting strong morning erections and some random erections during the day.
however, I started to have pelvic muscle tightness. it is weird that my recovery and pelvic muscle tightness approximately appeared around the same time. coincidence? maybe. I don't know. pelvic muscle pain is worrying, but I am happy that windows are more frequent and I am more hopeful about my pssd recovery now.
submitted by Thisisausersurname to PSSD [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:40 lostinthesauceband I out-chicaneried the main sub AMA

I out-chicaneried the main sub AMA submitted by lostinthesauceband to okbuddychicanery [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:40 Brad2332756 Rough engine 1st gen

Issue started 2 weeks ago. I was driving down the highway at 65 mph and the engine started losing power and shaking a little service engine soon light was blinking. I pull over check fluids and start it up again no issue. I decide to keep it in town only going to work and back until I can see a mechanic( won't be until July until I can afford to go). Today it ran no problem to and from work. I get in my car to go get groceries an hour later and immediately the service engine soon light is flashing and running rough with shaking. What could the potential problem be?
submitted by Brad2332756 to XTerra [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:40 Motor-Theory6959 I feel like I'm beginning to hate my female friends. I don't want to.

first of all, sorry for the throwaway, obvs. reasons. Other than that, let me make this clear - I consider myself to be feminist, as in men and women are equal. Now to the point...
I have nothing against women in general. As I stated before - I believe that all genders are equal, and I have always treated anyone by their personality and skills, not their gender. However, over the last two or three years, I have noticed a trend among women in my social circle - they are starting to treat me as something less, just because of my gender. I feel like I'm constantly being an outsider.
I first noticed this over a game of monopoly some time ago - there were four of us, and I was the only guy. Nobody wanted to cooperate with me, as if I was just an NPC or something. We haven't played before, I wasn't winning or anything, and when I asked why, I got replies such as "women power". Huh? Then I noticed that leaving me and the few males of our group out of the "important" stuff became more and more often. Secrets, talking to themselves, not letting us "in". I actually have no idea why they were hanging out with us at this point.
I started to see a pattern in this - excuses regarding sexism, when there was none, congratulating themselves on achievements based on them being girls, basically making their gender their whole personality. And also calling themselves "feminists", but not respecting other genders.
These days, I start to grind my teeth whenever I hear any girl talking about feminism. My internal red flag detectors start buzzing. I'm quite sure I won't be able to talk to them for long.
I haven't spoke to those girls for a few months now, and I feel quite good. But since we've known each other for a long time, I still do care about them, I just feel I can't stand them any more. But I want to.
Reading this, I feel like I can't put all of my feelings down on paper, but not only I can't stand them, but I fear this is starting to root deeper and deeper in me.
Please help.
submitted by Motor-Theory6959 to Advice [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:39 VirtualTap771 PC Build

Looking For Gaming PC + Monitor
Hello I’m new to pc Building and I want a Gaming PC including a monitor.I’m mainly looking for a a very beefy and nice looking pc that wont make much noise. I want this pc for some other games like sea of thieves and Fortnite. There are other games I want too but they don’t really come to my mind at the moment. I was also thinking of afk farming a lot (24/7) on my pc in Roblox during the night too while I sleep which is why I don’t want the PC too be noisy. Sorry for asking a lot but I’m also looking to start content creating and want a PC that can handle editing softwares + recording softwares. I’m hoping that this PC Build could last for a long time maybe 3-7 years. I know I have said this before but I REALLY want this PC to handle 24/7 AFK farming on Roblox games.
submitted by VirtualTap771 to buildmeapc [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:39 Separate_Horror_4795 i am f16 and my boyfriend is m16, i need advice

I need advice on my relationship
I am f 16, and my boyfriend is m 16. We've been together for about 3 weeks, and in the beginning it was perfect, he would buy me flowers and take me out on dates but that didn't last long. Once we made things official, he just lost all interest, he wont message me anymore or reply. It started last Thursday, i went out to celebrate my birthday with a friend but i still took time out of my day to make sure he was ok, i also kept looking for a gift to by him. However, it turns out he went out with friends and suddenly i wasn't a priority (he said this) at all. I asked him why he didn't just send a quick message beforehand and his excuse was that he doesn't go on his phone while out with people, even though he was on Instagram throughout the day, and when we go out he sits replying to his friends.
It just kept getting worse after this and eventually he admitted that he treated his ex better, which just shattered my heart because all i want to do is to make him happy, i took time out of my birthday to search for a gift for him to make him happy but he couldnt even message me that he was busy.
It all just makes me feel like a burden to him instead of his girlfriend, and i know i shouldnt be as upset as i am because were only a few weeks in, but he used to say all these loving things and call me beautiful but now he wont even message me goodnight. We had a convo last night and it go to the point i was physically ill because of how i felt, and i eventually gave up and just agreed to him messaging me when he wants and i only get to message if its important. But im just not happy anymore and i dont have the strength to end things, i still want to believe all of his promises but i know theyll just end up as lies.
even now im pathetically sat up waiting for a message from him, just to see if he does care and i want to tell him how i feel but i dont want to seem attention seeking because the past 3 nights have just been me trying to ask how to fix things with little to no luck. All i asked of him was that me sends me a message if hes going to be busy just to know im not being ignored.
He admitted he was a shit boyfriend but i dont want him to be hard on himself, i just want him to be happy but nothing i do works
what should i do?
thank you for reading x
submitted by Separate_Horror_4795 to teenrelationships [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:39 writerhongpao [RF] Episode 10: Clandestine

Ha-neul hears footsteps on their porch late one evening. She's supposed to be asleep, so she snuffs out the candle and puts down her book before tiptoeing to the door of her room. The entire house is dark. She can make out her father, Mr. Song, in the dim moonlight taking off his hat and light jacket. Her mother is there to greet him. Ha-neul quickly retracts from the door. Her parents talk in hushed voices: they didn't spot her. Her father has been at Secretary Hwang's again.
Secretary Hwang works for a prominent North Korean ambassador in China and frequently travels between the two countries. The year is 2012. He is great friends with Mr. Song, as both of them grew up in this same border town in the far north, very close to the Yalu river. Secretary Hwang's and Mr. Song's fathers served together in the army during the Korean war. Secretary Hwang is quite a bit older than Mr. Song, some ten years older in fact, Mr. Song's father being nearly forty when he had his last surviving son. Despite this, they grew up like brothers, Mr. Song looking up to Secretary Hwang as a friend and role model.
Secretary Hwang's father entered the diplomatic service after leaving the army. He also would regularly cross the border into China and bring back stories of his journeys. Things really changed when a certain American President visited China in the 1970s. Suddenly, Americans started replacing Soviets in Beijing, and Secretary Hwang's father had occasion to curse the imperialists once more. Still, it fascinated a young Mr. Hwang enough to entice him to follow his father into the diplomatic service, to see first hand the enemy he had heard so much about in his youth. And it's this curiosity that set him on a dangerous path of discovery, spilling over into the imagination of an impressionable Mr. Song.
Mr. Song was exempted from military service due to his musical ability, instead contributing to the nation as a violinist and eventually as a teacher. His own father's decorated military career certainly helped raise his status in society, allowing Mr. Song to focus solely on music. And so it was that Secretary Hwang always made it a point to stop by his hometown when crossing back over the border before returning to Pyongyang, bringing back more than just stories, but even smuggled western books, magazines, and the like to an equally fascinated, bright, and young violin student, Song Seul-ki.
Over the years, these stories and artifacts from the west so different from the world they knew inflamed in their hearts aspirations for freedom. Not that they weren't living comfortable lives as part of the privileged class of society: it wasn't for them, but for their families. The two agreed that in order for their children to be able to form their own consciousness as individuals, they needed to break free from the collective. Everything is fine when you have food and shelter, but knowing it can be deprived the moment you form an opinion different from those set over you suddenly makes freedom an attractive prospect.
"Is it possible?" Ha-neul's mother, Han Da-som, asks Seul-ki. "Secretary Hwang isn't lying, do you think? Perhaps working as a double agent?"
"He's already helped several people defect in China," Seul-ki replies, shaking his head. "He wants to leave as much as we do, but he has quite a big family. I guess he's been testing the waters. They'll have to go all at once."
"But they'll suspect him, won't they?" Da-som asks. "They'll make the connection to the defectors."
Seul-ki shakes his head again. "He made sure they weren't directly linked. These were relatives of acquaintances of friends. When they disappeared, they had nothing to do with the Secretary other than taking part in diplomatic missions - cultural exchange, research programs, etc. Some made it out, some didn't." He hangs his head solemnly. Da-som joins him. They abruptly stop talking.
They must be worried about us getting caught too, Ha-neul thinks to herself as she stands inside her room by the door, still unable to see them but noticing the long interlude.
"What are our chances?" Da-som finally asks.
Seul-ki takes Da-som's hand. "He said he found a better way. The Chinese police have been watching the delegations more closely, so it's best to sneak out of China altogether."
Da-som sighs. "There's rumors that the Great Leader will be dead by the end of the year. Things might get worse. There's talk of purges coming. But I don't think I can risk Ha-neula and Hye-jina - we can't possibly hide out there in an unfamiliar place if things go wrong. And what about your mother? She's in a wheelchair."
"Don't worry," Seul-ki replies. "The best way out is by boat. She can go with us then."
"Boat?" Da-som replies skeptically at first. "So, it's really possible?" she adds, her tone changed slightly with a tinge of hope.
"It will take some time to save the extra money," Seul-ki replies. "It's more expensive, but it's safer this way. And I think it's worth it. We have to leave. You've seen what happens to dissenters. That's no way to live. I can't stand it any longer. The outside world isn't like that."
Suddenly her parents stop talking. Ha-neul swears she can hear her mother's deep, broken breaths - she must be crying. Although she can't see anything, Ha-neul imagines her father kissing her mother on the cheek and hugging her tenderly.
To be continued.
submitted by writerhongpao to shortstories [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:37 yeahxxxz Gf of one year broke up w me

I just started to get my shit together. A few days ago she texted me that she needs to talk to me about something. Today we met and she told me that she noticed that she's been losing feelings for me.
On one side, i forgive her. Its not something she can control and atleast she told me. On the other side, how does one lose feelings after so long? Did she even love me to begin with?
I had been clean for a few days but all i want to do now is cut myself all over again. She was my everything, i was so happy with her. We never had any issues, no arguements no nothing. She told me i never did anything to upset her, she just started losing feelings.
I feel so empty now. She was my only reason to become better and now shes gone. It feels like the universe wants me to commit. I feel so done, i cant even cry.
Im scared that i'll drop back into that hole. Im scared i'll fail everything in my life again and im scared that i wont ever get any better.
submitted by yeahxxxz to selfharm [link] [comments]

2023.06.04 22:37 gabytrip_gar Xubuntu and ubuntu mate 22.04 has a probem

Well, I think there is a problem with the installation of Xubuntu 22.04. I have installed Linux mint and it has given me absolutely no problems. but Xubuntu and Ubuntu mate 22.04 have given me exactly the same problem that grub won't install and can't start OS normally. understanding that some developer can give here I ask you please to try to solve the problem because I am a fan of ubuntu and its flavors and I am very unhappy with the error I have had. ❤️
submitted by gabytrip_gar to xubuntu [link] [comments]