Mercy after hours clinic guthrie ok

Puppy was given amopophrine today after eating toy piece. Vet xrayed before inducing and kept puppy for monitoring. After arriving home approx 6 hours later, he was acting normally. He was fed and happily ate. Approximately 30 mins later, he vomitted his whole meal and is lethargic.
Is this a side effect, or an indication that something is wrong?
*Asking here bc vet clinic is closed now. Of course I will call tomorrow morning if he is not acting normally again.

Meant to say as a student physical therapist this is my first clinical*** The CI that I have been following the past two weeks recently went on vacation. There is only one other physical therapist in the building and I have been expected to take my CI’s entire case load, make all therapeutic plans, and do evals by myself. I have been scheduled at clinic for 10 hours and only took a 20 min lunch. I was so behind on documentation I had to stay an extra two hours after that. Is this normal? I feel like I’m loosing my mind and I’m expected to do this the rest of the week.

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Heya folk.
I'd like to share with you my story, in a hope to lighten the heart of those who might still be suffering from this troubled situation. Jump to the last 5 paragraphs if you want no story.
We met through a dating app, and after aproximately 2 months dating, I asked her to be my gf. I was 23, she was 21.
The first 6 months were amazing. She would accompany me through all the activities that I invited her for, spent all the weekends together and had overall a great time. Whenever there was something to discuss, we would do it so in a peaceful conversation.
I went from interested to mad in love. I started to think at that moment that she was probably the one, the woman I'd marry, who would have my kids. And so, I started slowly but increasingly seing her as such.
Everything was perfect. Until that day.
6 months into the relationship, we went to spend the weekend together by ourselves. It was a house in a mostly rural area, with almost no neighboors in the area.
She started an argument with me over something I can't recall, acting super sad out of nowhere, claiming that I did something to hurt her feelings, or that I wasn't being good to her.
I tried my best to reason with this, but just couldn't understand. After some time, I got stressed and yelled. Things got sad but after some time, we made peace.
Now I understand that I was love bombed, and was tested to see if I would stick to the crazy. Well, I stuck, and it was the beginning of one and a half year more battle against myself, and against the love of my life.
After this first episode, another episodes would be more frequent.
Her general mood oscilated between her being my best friend and my worst enemy. In 2-4 weeks, she would love bomb me, there were no problems, she just wanted to be with me disregarding any problems. Then, the demon would flip, and any and everything could be a reason for another fruitless and pointless conversation, only for the sake of stressing things out.
In the meanwhile, I was still trying to understand why did she acted like that. I began studying a lot of psychology, behavioural conditions, etc, and began to see patterns on her that fitted the BPD description. For heavens or hell's sake, there was even some people that claimed that even having BPD, they could live a normal life, minimizing the impact on their loved ones.
Now, I had swore my love to her, and I was ready to fight any battles necessary for us and for our future. She claimed that she went to the psychologist and psychiatrist maybe twice a month, and I even volunteered to participate in such sessions, so I could give the doctor my observations on her behaviour. I was never in a session. To this day, I still have my doubts if she ever set foot on a clinic.
As time passed by, she would be more aggressive with her approaches. Never physically violent, but always trying harder to hurt my/our feelings. I, on the otherside, was always trying to improve my patience so that her senseless arguing would come to a peaceful solution. Sometimes, my perseverance won, other times, her annoyiance did.
Fast forward, almost two years into the relationship, she was already in a bad mood for around 2-3 months. I went to pick her up for our weekend together, and in her house I already noticed that she was stressed, but we went to mine anyways.
On this weekend, I was mostly ignoring her attemps to annoy and stress me. At night, I and my roomate ordered food and I called her to join us.
"Food is here babe. Wanna eat?"
She nodded negativelly.
"Okay, If anything, I'll be there".
Me and my roomate were eating and laughing our asses off at random memes. She got out of the room with an empty bottle to fill it up with water. I asked again if she wanted to join us, she just nodded and filled her bottle. When she got back into my bedroom, BAM! She slammed the door, with some might, may I say.
Me and my friend kinda froze at the situation, looking at each other and to the door. It was his appartment, she did that.
That was when I thought to myself, I can't do this no more. On the next weekend, I gotta meet with her and end things.
On monday, however, after some good morning texts, suddenly she sent me a random girl nude video from an alt subreddit and asked me if I tought that girl was hot. I said "yeah, she is, but why are you asking me this?".
She flipped.
Said that I should probably go search for this kind of girl, being such that I found her hot, and other nonsense that I can't remember well.
Her body was kinda different from the random girl.
I just said "look, you're tripping. Calm youself down and later we talk."
After some minutes, she sent me another text.
She was breaking up with me. Said that she was setting me free, cause if I find other type of body like that attractive, I no longer had a reason to not chase what I wanted.
Funny enough, all that I wanted was her with me, in a peaceful manner, in a house together with kids, and a beautiful future.
As I was reading the text, on a brim to be in shock, or rather in disbelief... I thought ok. She is breaking with me by text, and that was simply unexcusable. Maybe once I told her so already, which may explain why she did it, to test if I would still stick with her, but I didn't. I just thought "ok". Thats it. It's over.
Boy, it hurt. I knew I was gonna need some time. It devastated me for around long 8 months. I, that was always shining with joy, fell in a long and heavy blue mood.
She begged me to return for a little bit of time after the breakup, finding me in every social media she could, asking for forgiveness, but I just couldn't.
I missed her so much. I swore her my love, and that devastated me. For a long time, i thought that I had failed.
On some rare ocasions we would start talking again, but it would take no longer than a week for her to start hurting my feelings with unecessary comments again.
Time went by. I've met new people, opened my heart to meet some new lovers, and the memories of what I spent with her always stood with me. For a long time it tormented me, cause I just wanted to forget everything that I had with her.
I spent so long trying to understand everything that happened, and why she acted the way she did.
While knowing that BPD exists, I still wonder why it does. To this day, I'm still not sure if she ever went to the clinic, to any psychic or neural doctor.
Today, however, I am grateful. On the bad side, it crushed my heart and my dream of a beautiful family. On the bright side, I am ready to love like I've never been before. I know what I want and what I do not want.
If you ever heard that phrase "Love yourself before you love anyone else", it comes to this.
It becomes harder to find another one, but also easier, as it becomes more clear what kind of things you tolerate on a partner.
All those mistreatments and rude behaviour had no excuses. It is supposed to be your loved one, why would you settle for someone that mistreat you with so much ease?
Please be kind to yourself, and to others.

IF YOU HAVE SEEN PARTS 1-5 GO READ THEM//-ok so he woke up a few hours ago after I made him some lunch (I made him pancakes bacon and eggs) And he told me that it was delicious and I didn't say anything back I just kissed him and he got sooo flustered for a second until he grabbed me and kissed me back but when he did he got syrup all over me lol so he started apologizing and I told him he has nothing to be sorry about and after I said that we both just laughed our asses off for some reason we started talking about what we wanted to do for the day and he told me that he wants to go out again so I was like ok where too and he said anywhere so I took him to an airsoft range and... Well... He did not like that one bit lol soooo I just took him out for dinner🙃

The recent testimony of former US intelligence officer David Gresch on the US Government's alleged UFO crash retrieval and reverse engineering program is an ongoing story and new details are still emerging. This megathread will be used to keep track of the main highlights and discussion surrounding events as they unfold.
As a reminder, please be respectful to other subreddits. We've seen several posts and comments from users who are seeing their submissions regarding recent events removed or resulting in bans from other subreddits. While we understand this is extremely frustrating, we cannot permit discussions of this nature in UFOs in accordance with Reddit's guidelines.
The subreddit is also currently experiencing a significant increase in activity. If you're interested in helping us moderate, please feel free to apply here.
 
The original article from The Debrief:
Intelligence Officials Say U.S. Has Retrieved Craft of Non-Human Origin by Leslie Kean and Ralph Blumenthal
Fact-Check Q & A with Debrief Co-founder and Investigator Tim McMillan: Part 1
Fact Check Q & A with Debrief Co-founder and Investigator Tim McMillan: Part 2
 

Video Interviews

Ross Coulthart has completed a 'seven hour long' interview with the whistleblower and will be airing it Sunday at 8PM CST. Until then, NewsNation is airing clips from the interview:
NewsNation's segment from June 5th
NewsNation's segment from June 6th
Ross Coulthart talks about the interview and implications in detail on his Need to Know podcast from June 5th.
 

News Media Pickup

US urged to reveal UFO evidence after claim that it has intact alien vehicles - The Guardian
Military whistleblower goes public with claims US has secret UFO retrieval program: ‘Terrestrial arms race’ - Fox News
UFO ‘whistleblower’ says government has ‘intact’ non-human craft - Independent
U.S. Has UFOs of 'Non-Human Origin', Ex-Intelligence Officer Claims - Newsweek
UFO Bombshell: U.S. Intelligence Whistleblower Says Feds Have 'Intact' Craft - Huffpost
OK, WTF Is Going on With the 'Intact Craft of Non-Human Origin' Allegedly Recovered by the U.S. Government? - Vice
US collects intact UFOs as part of secret program, Air Force veteran claims - New York Post
United States government has UFOs of 'non-human origin' in its possession - whistleblower - Newshub
Pentagon is experimenting on UFO parts from crashed alien aircraft to make WEAPONS, claims whistleblower - Daily Mail
Det her er jo fuldstændigt crazy. Det er helt vildt«. USA har ufoer i sin varetægt, påstår central kilde - Berlingske (German)
Nieuwe Revu ziet nieuw bewijs voor buitenaards leven: De UFO van Mussolini - Revu (Dutch)
 

Relevant Articles & Tweets

• Lue Elizondo's comments on the Whistleblower
• Former NOAA Administrator and Oceanographer of the Navy gives his thoughts
• US Congressman Tim Burchett calls the whistleblowers claims 'Credible'
• Related Politico article by former Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Intelligence Christopher Mellon
• Comment from one of the authors, saying that the Washington Post DID NOT PASS on the article, but needed more time, which they did not have
• Chairman of the House Oversight Committee says he intends to hold hearings on UFO retrieval claims
• Dutch newspaper claims there are documents verified by the Inspector General stating that a UFO was recovered from Italy after the fall of Mussolini in WW2

 
Thanks to u/ZolotoG0ld for compiling this information! If you have any suggestions for what to add here let us know in the comments below.

Until a couple of years ago I didn't really think too much about my life and just kinda floated by. I have a full time job, family and friends that I hang out with often but I never went out of my comfort zone unless I saw the benefit. My therapist told me about dysthymia which more accurately reflects how I feel about my life.
My diet has always been pretty terrible. Snack food, candy, very basic food(pepperoni pizza, and cheeseburger with just the meat and cheese.) I have always had trouble branching out to different foods as I will start to dry heave(but never actually vomit) if I don't like it.
I have tried a lot of things to work on myself but none have had too much of an effect. 3 hour bike once a week, massages, fixing my sleep schedule, and starting to work on my diet. So far I have cut out all things that are primarily sugar, an apple on most days, better multivitamins, and omega 3 vitamins.
I have some symptoms that come and go. Nausea, fatigue, headache, irritability and occasional lightheadedness when standing up. The nausea at times can be triggered simply by moving, flossing or yawning. About 4 years ago I did pass out twice 6ish months apart but after a few tests from my doctor she concluded it was nothing. I also have as long as I can remember had this “pull” when I am not talking to anyone or smiling that forces my face in a frown by default. I also sometimes feel like I am on the verge of tears but I never do.
About a year ago I started taking vyvanse to help with my fatigue and motivation which it definitely does but it also causes me to have a hard time eating earlier in the day and makes some of my symptoms worse, mainly nausea and irritability.
A couple months ago I got a blood test done and my glucose was 98(before eating), one under the limit for my age. I purchased a portable tester and have done a few myself. It ranges typically from ~90 to ~130. I did a couple today and it said low both times which is supposedly <20 but that might have just been me not using it properly.
The difference between not having eaten in a few hours vs after eating can be pretty dramatic. From fairly lethargic to mostly ok after eating.
Looking for advice on what the best steps I should take. If the answer ends up being “eat better” I can post on nutrition as they might have better advice on slowly moving over to a healthier diet. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

Ok, please don’t go harsh on me, since I’m just trying to share my vision. This E.S.S.A.Y won’t be interesting to players who casually enjoy Tarkov, but might be somewhat useful to people who have minimal interest in finances and keep thinking about problems EFT has, and what may be the cause of them. Sorry for a long introduction…
3-4 years ago, I started playing Tarkov. “The concept seems so amazing and fresh, and it it isn’t free to play/pay to win” - I thought, - “Perfect!” I liked the game a lot, and quickly reached 1000 hours. Honestly, I am by no means good… any other shooter game, I can easily hold my own, however, Tarkov is so different and unique, that it seems my brain can’t simply function at required frequencies. Not to mention my reaction and aim drills do not apply in EFT, since desyncs and counter-intuitive weapon recoil is a thing. But I’m here not to brag about it - around the same time, I have started my own business, and since then I learned a lot about adult things, like taxes, banks, loans, cashflow, funding and other boring, but important things, knowing which is more important to survival, than knowing 7.62 M61 pen value. I quit Tarkov, and games in general, to focus on my life and setting up a foundation which I can use.
Now, after a substantial time, I am slowly rediscovering games I used to play. Some have changed a lot, some are in the same state that I left them, and some… well some are Tarkov… Congratulate me on getting head eyes AGAIN without even seeing the enemy peak the corner, and constant rage-fuelled tantrums when you are in full gear and get obliterated by some guy with PPSh and it’s 71 round mag… the game clearly has improved in some ways, but also deteriorated in others. EFT has its share of problems, maybe, even more than when I started playing, and BSG seems to not notice it… or do they?
Since my newly upgraded adult mind now picks up some stuff I didn’t notice earlier, I started wondering - how does BSG exist? As I kept thinking, I started to feel more and more compassion, and maybe, even pity, towards Battlestate Games, it’s developers and people who run it (Nikita, love you)
I made a small research, and found Contract Wars, which has a lot of P2W content, but is essentially dead. Furthermore, BSG doesn’t even own it, so no profits come to them. We can safely assume, that BSG gets most of its money from sales of Tarkov Editions, which we can break into three categories: 1. Discount selling 2. New players 3. Cheaters Now let’s dive a bit deeper.
Discount selling involves putting a discount on EFT, therefore creating a rapid influx of new players, and can be done from time to time to inject your company’s economy with money if things get dire, that can be used for various purposes
New players is a label I put on a category of income, that comes from sales of copies throughout the day/month/year… whatever! Basically an unpredictable, unreliable, and definitely scarce source of funds for a company that barely runs any advertisements.
And finally, cheaters. We all know that BSG cracked down on cheaters recently, but we also know, that they keep buying new accounts and still manage to squeeze their way into Tarkov. I don’t see them much nowadays, so good job BSG, but from what I’ve heard they are still there. Reliable, but still, unpredictable source of income.
They also might get some fraction of their income from Twitch and streamers, during events and overall, however, I lack expertise in this E-commerce-stream-sponsor-partnership sphere and rather stay quite.
Let’s also talk a bit about so-called “fixed costs”. For a business, that simple phrase means a whole world, because, that is a thing around which, you base most of your spendings. BSG needs to run servers, pay salaries, rent, loan payments (if there is any), dividends (if there is any) and many more things every month that are fixed, (I’m not mentioning variable costs, because they will make less of a dent in your budget, unless you sell nondurable goods, produce on demand, or are in secondary sector of economy) which equate, to let’s say… 1000 roubles
Every month BSG gets some money, but they NEVER, I repeat, NEVER can estimate a somewhat accurate income numbers, since most of their income streams are unreliable and inconsistent. Let’s say they get 500 roubles this month - they are in deficit, they will need to deplete their cash savings, or cut heavily on costs, and since they can’t really cut costs, because it will lead to an irrecoverable spiral of doom, they of course use reserves, or even worse, inject capital from other sources (Nikita’s lunch money, or loans). This leaves executives with a hard decision - spend even more savings this month on improvement and game fixes (e.g: rewriting their “spaghetti” code, new guns, content, new servers instead of Windows XP Pentium 1998 with DSL modem)
Ooooor…. Save money! Now, you see the problem? BSG surely has some capital to spare, but as any other sensible business in such situation, they are scared to spend it. Maybe next month they will get 2000 roubles and they make a profit, or maybe they make 500 again, and they are still in deficit. While it is true that they have some resemblance of control over when and how to get fund injections (ban waves, discounts, adverts, streams), it is still not enough to make a sensible reliable income that will allow them to make a plan further ahead, all variables considered. Remember - “money saved is money not spent” and in our case that’s bad, because we don’t get the so long needed fixes that require a lot of resources.
“B-but… Mr.Unknown-Man on Reddit… how do we fix this?!” [see comments]

So, this is a bit of a Saga.
Before christmas 2022, I cancelled my game subscription. I weren't playing it enough to warrent the sub.
As soon as I stopped the sub, my Star Wars Lego game complained that my sub needed renewing.
Ok, I hear you say, yeah sure "your sub need to be on to play the game you downloaded..." but I didn't download it. This game was bought on disc and installed.
I wondered if the DLC was tagged somehow with the game pass maybe making it cheaper or something. So they were removed. No dice.
After hours or unloading and reloading the disk and multiple permutations of reinstalling... my optical drive started making noise and stopped reading my discs altogether.
Clearly at this point, an internal laser mechanism was iffy.
Today, I managed to buy and replace the optical drive.
It immediately complained that my effing game pass needs renewing.
The disk is in, but I am not seeing it appearing. The blu ray app reads and plays blue ray discs without any issues so the data cable is fitted correctly.
I have read that some older blu ray updates snuffed out xbox disc drives and stopped them working back in like 2014... I am wonderring if this could still be something that might effect this. I did install the blu ray app back before xmas because I was condensing my devices down...
I uninstalled blu ray app today, but issue remains. Unsure what routes to take now really. Obviously it is out of warranty, and even if it weren't, I sliced the sticker to swap the drive.
I have run the xbox restart, leaving apps and saves, but the issie remains.
This version of the drive is a basic sata drive that swaps in. Doesnt look lile any of the drives I have seen with additional d boards.
So now I need to figure out some next steps.

Personally I don’t hate it. I love a few hours just hauling boxes and chillin’ in the freezer, but it seems apart from me and literally one other person, everyone hates it. Not even the managers want to go neasupervise it.
Sure it’s manual labour, but it becomes draining when we have no-one. A new hire specifically for truck ghosted us after doing it twice and another is desperately trying to get off it leaving only myself and two other permanent crew. That might sound ok, but we’re a big fucking store and there’s so much shit to carry… 😮‍💨
I’m envious of the “my feet hurt” posts because as I’ve adapted to that, now I have to deal with my arms feeling like spaghetti whenever people don’t show up for truck!

A few weeks ago, this girl hit me up on this dating app. She was very good looking, awesome conversationalist with a nice bit of sass (dig it) & incredibly sweet. I haven't been on a date in over 2 years because life has been difficult & I've been focusing on my happiness & self-improvement; wasn't seriously looking because I barely get any matches & when I do...I usually just get ghosted or rejected.
So a week of just flirty messages goes by & she is very forward and asks to hang out. I'm taken by surprise because I have low expectations...so I let her know that I've put on a little bit of weight & haven't been super stable & whatnot, haven't seen anyone in over 2 years.. She gave me an incredibly sweet & thoughtful response --basically saying she doesn't mind a bit of fluff, she hasn't seen anyone in a year, etc.-- and still wanted to see me. At this point I'm like, I couldn't even get rid of this girl if I tried...so maybe this might be different? So she drives to see me & meets me at my apartment. Her vibe was so totally different. She had pigtails, super dolled up, & was very blunt and almost aggressive. She seemed kind of unsure about me & sized me up. She starts talking about how sketchy my apartment is, talks about how my car is junk ...& like...fair points & it's funny so whatever! I take her for a long ride & the conversation is really good. Then she starts talking about her ex-boyfriend from a year ago. She gets really into shit-talking him...saying he gained weight (which i thought she was cool with?) and she would pity fuck him and was disgusted by him. Said that she didn't approve of his finances & the house he bought was a small shack. She goes on to say that she broke up with him & the guy was so ridiculous that she thought he might hurt himself over it. I was just kind of shocked at that point but trying to play it cool; she asks about my ex & I gave her a little run down but said I dont really want to say much out of respect for them. She proceeds to talk about this guy she fucked on a cruise a few weeks ago, & then how she has been messing around with this 40 year old now because he has a big dick (all of which goes against what she said in messages?). I'm just there like....lol wtf is going on...this girl is fucking with me & clearly has no interest? The date goes on for like 6 hours & she makes even more red-flag comments...like how she hates men, she doesn't want a power imbalance in a relationship, she has to be the pretty one, etc... I'm here like having no idea what to think. I bring her back to her car, she initiates a hug (no way was i trying a kiss in a parking lot after all of that) and we say our goodbyes.
The next day, she hits me up with messages, saying that she really enjoyed herself & wants to go on another date. I'm like....uhhh...ok, thinking with the wrong part of my body & thinking "maybe she was just awkward or something". So we keep talking. I hint at getting a date going but she says that she's going alone to her cabin...so I dont want to bother her. She starts not responding as quickly so I begin to kind of distance myself & never text back unless she replies. This sort of weird game of cat and mouse continued until last night...where I basically just came out and asked what she wanted from me. She said that she isn't really interested in me anymore. I dig into it a bit & she said that she doesn't like how my teeth are yellow (I have a lack of enamel since birth) & she had all of these other guys asking her out on dates & I didnt. She then says that she wants to be friends for now...to which I reply...yea, there's no for now...if we are friends, we are friends and that is it. This seems to take her by surprise & she says that she said for now because that there's a lot of things that she likes about me but I'm a work in progress. Basically ended the conversation with a goodnight & made sure I was the last one to say it...because I dont plan on messaging this girl again.
Now I'm all kind of fucked up thinking about my teeth lol. I really have no idea what her intentions were with me....did she see "weakness" and decided that I would be fun to mess with but she didn't get the right reaction? She did talk a lot about having a psychology degree and messing with people. But yea...feels like a cruel joke given that my 1st date in over 2 years is to this...ummm...person?

My first Raiders game in attendance was in Round 25, 2013 against the Warriors. Prior to this, based on the Raiders form at that point I had told my old man that I would just be happy if I got to see Jarrod Croker kick a conversion. What I got was his first ever career hat-trick, granted it had come after SJ and Vatuvei's hat-tricks so we lost 50-16, but his efforts had solidified a one-sided love affair that has taken up too much of my time than I would like to admit for the last 10 years.
One year later I was back seeing my boys in Auckland again and after last year was confident enough to claim that I was 100% going to see a Croker try, and I got a double by the man himself, albeit at the hands of another 50 point thrashing. In 2015 I was unable to go for a reason that alludes me, but I vowed after then to never miss a Raiders game in NZ again. In 2016 I made my old man drive us 5 hours down to New Plymouth so I could keep my promise to myself and was rewarded with another Croker try, putting him equal 3rd on the Raiders try scorer list and my first time ever seeing the Raiders win in person. However it was a season that ended in heartbreak for me as in the Preliminary Final against the Storm, Edrick Lee had forgotten how to play rugby league and Croker had dislocated his kneecap early on in the contest and was unable to kick the 2 conversions from tries that would have seen him become just the 4th player to reach 300 points in a season. 2017? Another Raiders win and another Croker try for my troubles, as well as the birth of the shortlived JarrodCroker subreddit.
2018 was not a good year, I had intensive-ish spinal fusion surgery which greatly limited my mobility for a while however I managed to haul myself out to see the Croker-less Raiders fail to win without the great man. One bright spot of the year was during my depression one of my good friends from on this website infact managed to hold Croker hostage and get him to record a nice little video for me, although my name was in fact not Stewart. However I appreciated the effort enough that I reached out to Croker via social media to thank him at least for the effort, as he had managed to lift my spirits in what were at the time some of my darkest days and got the most heartfelt and soul-warming response that has ever been sent in human history:
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/514377190151028757/1111193652291702835/SmartSelect_20230525_192612_Instagram.jpg
What a man.
2019 we got the win in Auckland for Soliola's 300th (Why would you play a 300th away from home?) as we powered our way to the Grand Final which we 100% won regardless of what the result said. stfu. I didn't know it at the time but as of time of writing is the last time the Raiders played in NZ.
As we know 2020 resulted in the games being played in Australia so no-go for me there. In early March 2021 I had my heart broken (not by Croker) which while it fucked me mentally for the rest of the year, I decided I was just going to throw what mental strength I had left back into supporting the boys all out. 2 weeks later a local cinema decided they were going to show the Raiders vs Warriors game live so I hauled myself out of my mental slumber just to see the Raiders throw away a 25-6 halftime lead to lose in the closing moments, and seeing that on a fucking cinema screen just hits you different.
2021 no games again, and Croker had been limited to 12 games due to his long-troublsome knee starting to giving out on him and I was beginning to lose hope of seeing my boy in lights again. Croker got stem-cell surgery later in the year to try and fix his knee in a bid to fend off medical retirement.
2022 resulted in a lone Croker appearance as upon his return from injury he put his body on the line to stop a late Bulldogs try and dislocated his shoulder, while he avoided surgery initally he put his body on the line yet again in a fearsome attempt to grab his TV remote and redislocated his shoulder, resulting in the need for surgery and reigniting fears of a forced medical retirement. My fears of never seeing Croker play again had reached their highest peak, despite him reaffirming he was going to fight on.
This year he fought off calls from Ricky Stuart early on to retire and wanted to prove he was still up to playing NRL. In Round 6 after a Panthers thrashing the group went to Stuart and pleaded for the return of Croker in the team. And return he did. Against the Broncos who were yet to lose a game Croker put in an all-time performance to lead the team to a hard fought and bloodshed 20-16 win and solidified his return to the top grade.
And just a few weeks later the Raiders would head back to Brisbane to face up against the Bulldogs in Magic Round.
And after 3 long hard years of waiting. I was there.
I had reached out to the absolute legends over at NRLPremiumPlus to see what they were gonna be up to, and lo and behold I was very graciously offered a seat with them for the Raiders game as I would have otherwise been by myself for the opening night. When Rapana scored on the opening set I knew we were gonna be in for a good night. But never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that in the 57th minute, for the first time in 6 years, I would see Jarrod Croker run in a try, proceeding to almost lose my voice in the 30 seconds afterwards. Seeing Croker play again, let alone score was something that at times I thought I would never have the oppurtunity to see again and it was the cherry on top of a perfect Magic Round, although it could be argued that the real memories were the friends I made along the way.
Returning home to Auckland, while significantly poorer I had booked a few tickets for the Raiders upcoming return to Auckland in July, hoping that Magic Round would not be the last time I would see Croker play ball but if it was, I think I would have been OK with it. I missed viewing 80% of Crokers 299th game against the Rabbitohs as I was out for the night but saw the boys hold on to the end and saw Sticky in the press conference saying he was going to rest Croker against the Tigers so that he would be able to run out for game 300 infront of a home crowd with his family and friends in attendance, a heart-warming gesture that shows how much Croker means to the club.
Going home I triple-checked my schedule to make sure I had nothing going on so that I could watch Croker's 300th without any distractions and for the first time in a while my weekend was clear. However the next morning I received a message which changed my life.
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/514377190151028757/1113995960113188864/image.png
Aw shit.
As you are reading this I will be getting my affairs in order for a flash-trip across the tasman to head to Canberra for the first time in my life to see my heros 300th game in what will hopefully be a sell-out crowd for my first time at GIO Stadium, if you are around come say hi and more importantly if you know anyway of getting me in the same photo frame as Croker please let me know.
It's been a pleasure to hang around here for more than a few years and share my love of Croker with you all through the highs and the lows and I couldn't pick a favourite person who I have had the pleasure of interacting with since you are all amazing. (Except Aces, Aces is my favourite).
Much love and up the milk,
Goob
p.s Here's some Croker highlights Incredible try saver on RTS Moving to 3rd on the all-time points scored leaderboard Flexing his acrobatic abilities Croker's 100th NRL try Scoring the winning try/conversion in his 100th NRL game Winning the game in golden point Croker and Cotrics celebration after reaching the 2019 GF

I'm not really looking for opinions on my progress (although I'm expecting to hear them lol!), but mainly for others who are just starting out or thinking about starting out on an EUC, I wanted to share a personal milestone and some things I've learned along the way.
After about a month of riding almost daily (a few off days here and there mainly due to schedule and weather), I finally got out on a regional bike path today and used up the whole battery on my V8 and hit the tiltback speed, around 21 mph I think, for the first time.
Could I have hit that speed sooner? Absolutely, but I have been what I think most people would consider "super cautious". I have two young kids, and I'm just not at a point in life to be a big risk taker right now (besides riding an EUC in the first place!).
My main takeaways after one month of riding are:

• You will get it faster than you think. You'll start off thinking there's just no way the EUC is going to do what you see other people doing on it. It'll just feel so foreign and weird when you start, your expectations from watching YouTube videos will not line up with what you're experiencing in real life. There will be cognitive dissonance. You'll know, logically, that it's possible, and may even have faith that you'll get there, but part of your body and mind will just think, it can't be done. It can, and it will, all it takes is practice. If I can learn it - trust me - anyone can. My only prior experience with this kind of activity is as a bicyclist and motorcyclist, and while helpful, there isn't a whole lot that translates other than the overall sense of horizontal balance and being comfortable having your body exposed at high speeds. I think if you were a skateboarder or a snowboarder, you might pick it up a little easier, but it's going to be a weird feeling no matter who you are when you first step on an EUC. Just hang in there.
• If you can, learn from someone else who already knows how to ride. If you can't (like me), watch every YouTube video. There are two main schools of thought about learning:
  • One approach is to start with assisted mounting (a wall or railing) until you know how to ride at speed (i.e. 5+ mph), even if that is a week or more. This is what Monocat (Wrong Way's girlfriend) did, and she rode something like 100km before ever learning to free mount, which seemed crazy to me when I first heard it. This approach is much more feasible if you're learning with someone else who has their own EUC, because they can help you mount anywhere.
  • The other - which is what I did - is to get off the wall/rail ASAP and learn to free mount in an open space (and, by necessity, to learn to maneuver at low speed) before you learn to go faster. This is the approach you will see in a lot of the "learn to ride an EUC" videos you're likely to find on YouTube.
  • Both approaches are viable, but ultimately if I had it to do over again I would probably go with option 1 because of a few main reasons:
    • It took me longer to gain the confidence to go faster, which slowed my overall learning curve.
    • Learning to free mount before you feel comfortable on the wheel is extremely tiring, because you're stepping on and off so often, and maneuvering at low speed for a long time is also tiring. Learning these skills "up front" probably takes longer than waiting until you are forced to - i.e. when you encounter a group of pedestrians, or you have to mount somewhere without assistance. But, it's probably less stressful and embarrassing to learn these skills in your driveway than on a crowded sidewalk.
    • If you lack patience, this approach is much more likely to cause you to give up altogether.
    • From what I've heard, learning to free mount is easier after you've kind of worked your way "down" in speed rather than working "up" - as a result you spend less energy learning to ride overall.
  • There were some pros to learning to free mount first however:
    • Knowing how to free-mount dramatically expands the areas you can go on your own, because you don't need to walk your EUC to a railing or a wall every time you step off. (If you're learning with a friend, like Monocat was, this is much less of an issue.) I was able to keep my EUC in my trunk and just pull over and practice on any good looking parking lot or big grass field that I saw, which was nice.
    • I gained the confidence to get on the wheel and maneuver at low speeds first, which helped me build the fine motor control needed to safely control the wheel at both low and high speeds, before ever going fast.
    • Ultimately I think this approach may be a bit safer than the first approach for that very reason - going 10-20 mph on an EUC without knowing how to free mount or maneuver at <5mph, do tight turns, figure eights, etc., is inherently more dangerous and could result in a crash, at worst, or possibly ingrain poor riding habits (such as poor foot placement, riding without carving and shifting your weight, etc.), because you don't have full confidence in your ability to control the wheel.
• Get a good starter wheel. This could be different things to different people, but I personally found a $400 used V8, and like I said, I only just today (one month later) reached the limits of its potential. I expect it to be sufficient for me to help me build my skills and take me as far and as fast as I need to go for at least a few weeks more, and it'll be a great wheel to keep in my car or at work, and also to teach other people on. I do want to get a bigger, faster, longer-range wheel soon, but I am glad that I learned to ride on a smaller and lighter wheel. I have not yet ridden the 16X, but from everything I've seen, it appears to be the sweet spot in terms of a wheel that's small enough to learn to ride on and be nimble at low speed (and thus less tiring when you are developing the necessary muscle groups and muscle memory), but also has a lot more headroom in terms of speed and range. There are probably other wheels in this same category, like the V8F or the V10F (and some of the other King-Song 14-16 inch wheels), but I would recommend getting a used wheel first if you can because you're going to drop it and beat the shit out of it A LOT when you're starting out. A 16X with a case on it would probably stand up to the abuse of learning just fine, but you have to be willing to grind your new toy on the pavement. Starting with a big, heavy, top of the line wheel just seems like a bad idea to me, but I know that some people do it. I wouldn't learn to ride a motorcycle on an R1, and I wouldn't try to learn how to drive a stick shift in a Ferrari.
• The riding surface matters - a lot. Practice on grass or turf early on if you can. Not only will you be able to go faster with less risk if (and when) you fall off, but riding on a slightly irregular surface helps you build fine motor control much more quickly which translates into better riding skills both on and off-road. Also, riding around a big grass field with a few bumps is just a lot of fun, and it's a totally different experience than riding on pavement. As a new rider, this experience is great. It engages your upper body a lot more and is generally a nice departure from cruising on the road. It also helps you realize that the EUC is capable of handling a lot crazier terrain than you will initially expect, which helps you build confidence and trust in the wheel. Once you've graduated to being able to reliably keep your wheel where you want it to be on a trail/sidewalk/road - which for me was after about two weeks - find the best quality surface you can. You'll be shocked how much of a difference it makes. Poor road surfaces diminish your confidence and limit your growth potential when you're first learning. You might think your local street or bike path is good enough, but if it has a rough surface with lots of bumps, gravel, and potholes, the first time you get on a proper bike path or a freshly paved parking lot, you'll suddenly be able to go much faster with more confidence. Then you'll get back on those shittier surfaces and think, oh, this isn't so bad - mainly because you'll feel comfortable going faster. Don't avoid poor surfaces entirely, because you need to learn how to handle them eventually and you don't want to handicap yourself - just find a good place where you don't have to worry about that and put it in your rotation of places to practice early on.
• Learning is both physical and mental. There are, and are not, shortcuts. I've heard it said that the speed at which you learn EUC is directly proportional to your willingness to overcome fear. There is some truth to that. If I were completely fearless, I probably could've hopped on the wheel with some help from a wall and dashed 20 yards at full-lean until I wiped out into the grass. I'd have hurt myself and my pride a little bit, but I'd have found the limit and might have been able to shorten the overall learning curve by a couple of weeks. Some people learn this way, and more power to them. Becoming a truly competent rider, however, is something that simply requires experience, no matter who you are. This experience has both physical and mental components. Riding an EUC takes strength in muscles that you don't often use, especially your feet. Building this strength and the fine motor control to be a safe and competent rider at any speed takes time, and there is no shortcut to developing it. Mentally, learning how the wheel responds to input in all directions, learning which movements of your upper body will and will-not impact the movement of the wheel, learning how and when to bend your knees to absorb impact, learning how much distance you need to stop, learning which riding surfaces will make your wheel lose traction, learning how to take a sharp turn onto a curb ramp, learning how to ride on and off a curb confidently - and so much more - all of these things are skills that can only be developed with time and practice. There is NO SHORTCUT to becoming a truly competent EUC pilot. To truly master it, like any other skill, will probably take you 10,000 hours! If true mastery of EUC is even possible. I don't care if you're already an expert snowboarder or skateboarder, although I have no doubt that those skills would shorten your initial learning curve, as well as give you more "willingness to overcome fear" (or just less fear to begin with).
• Dress for the slide, not the ride. There are countless threads of new riders asking about gear on this subreddit. I'll share my loadout, and my opinions. Take them as you will.
  • Triple Eight Hired Hands Gloves
    • Wrist guards are considered essential equipment for riding EUC, since pretty much any fall is going to impact your wrists, even at low speeds. I tried these wrist guards first, but they did not fit me well (too small on the wrist, even at XL), and didn't like how they left my whole hand exposed. The Triple Eight Hired Hands Gloves are much more robust, with hard armor on the front and the back, and only slightly more difficult to take off (and actually easier to put on). Some people recommend full finger gloves, like the Hillbilly Wrist Guard Gloves - Full Finger, and I'm sure these are great, although I like being able to easily use my phone and also prefer having the brace on both sides of my wrist.
  • Triple Eight Bumsaver Men's Padded Shorts
    • Most people probably don't wear padded shorts when riding, and I don't always either - it's actually the one piece of gear that for whatever reason (probably inconvenience) that I consider "optional". That said, the one place that I have fallen and significantly hurt myself thus far is on my tailbone, and I was wearing (a different set, Bohn body armor) padded underwear at the time. I was still in pain on my tailbone for probably two weeks. Also, most people say that when you fall at speed you almost always take some impact or at least road rash on your hip. Therefore hip padding and tailbone padding is highly recommended, especially if you're going to be traveling at speed, but I can attest to it being useful even when you're going very slow (you can always fall backwards).
  • Triple Eight EP 55 Elbow Pads
    • I usually don't wear these because my motorcycle jacket (see below) has integrated elbow pads. But when I'm not wearing my jacket, I wear these.
  • Giro Switchblade MIPS Adult Mountain Cycling Helmet
    • A full face helmet is essential equipment for EUC - that's my opinion, take it or leave it. This is what I wear for head protection most of the time, since my current wheel doesn't go any faster than 20 mph, and I ride primarily on bike trails and sidewalks and within my neighborhood. When I get a faster wheel and ride on bike lanes or larger roads, I will use my Scorpion helmet (see below). I love this helmet because it is super comfortable and lightweight, and it's also modular so you can easily take off the chin bar to drink some water or blow your nose or whatever without having to take off the helmet. You can also use it as a bicycle helmet if you wanted to, with or without the chin bar. Airflow is great (I am yet to break a sweat in it, which is saying a lot for me), MIPS is a great feature, and the visor has an integrated camera mount. Plus the color options are good.
  • SHIMA SX-2 EVO Motorcycle Shoes for Men
    • I've tried a lot when it comes to shoes for the EUC. I have tried full on hard calf motorcycle boots, which I know some people use, but I don't recommend. They give you basically no feeling for the road or the pedals, and I'm convinced they led to my fall where I bruised my tailbone. I've also tried regular height sneakers, which feel good, but leave your ankles totally exposed, and I've already hit my ankle hard with the pedal when losing control of the wheel on grass. I happened to be wearing high-top sneakers at the time, which were an improvement, but still not enough to prevent ankle impact injury or to stand up to being dragged along pavement. I eventually found these casual style motorcycle shoes which look great and can be worn all day comfortably but also provide hard armoring at the ankle, toe, and heel. They are soft enough on the bottom to feel the pedals - although probably not enough for some people - and they should stand up to any threat of road rash. Any other similar style boots from Dainese or others should work equally well, but I have found these have a wide fit, which is good for my feet (unlike Dainese which is a more narrow fit). Alpinestars makes some good ones too I hear.
  • O'Neal 0256-206 Unisex Pumpgun Knee Guard Carbon Look
    • Knee pads are essential equipment for riding EUC. If you fall, you're going to land on your knees (and your wrists), watch any crash video. I wear these knee pads all the time, they are comfortable and flexible, but they will make your legs a little sweaty (although not obnoxiously so). I have started crossing the top two straps behind my knee at the recommendation of people who say these kind of guards will slide down in the event of a crash. I have ordered some Revit Airwave 3 Pants which can fit over your regular pants and include both knee and hip protection. If I like these, I expect to wear them in lieu of the knee guards and the Bumsaver shorts in most instances.
  • Scorpion EXO-AT950 Ellwood Helmet
    • Some people will say an ADV or street motorcycle helmet is overkill for an EUC. I have been a motorcyclist for many years, and I've tried and own all kinds of top of the line motorcycle helmets (Arai, Shoei, HJC etc.). All of the ones I have that are focused on sport riding I find to be too hot and too narrow field-of-view for riding EUC. I saw She Rides an EUC on YouTube recommend this Scorpion helmet, or one very similar to it. It's an ADV helmet, so it has a removable visor and a front vent in the DH MTB style, except it can be closed. It's also modular, so you can flip up the chin guard super easily. It has other great features like a flip down sun visor, and obviously a full face shield. It is extremely comfortable and has a much wider field of view than my sportbike helmets. When I ride faster and/or ride next to traffic, this will be the helmet I wear, and it is an appropriate level of protection and comfort for my purposes.
  • Dainese VR46 Air-Tex Jacket
    • This jacket is discontinued, but I linked a similar style of jacket from Dainese. Any textile mesh summer motorcycle jacket will do the job. Mine has CE 1 elbow and shoulder protection, and I added a CE 2 back protector (this was my summer motorcycle jacket). I might upgrade to CE 1 elbows and shoulders at some point. I have yet to find it to be too hot in any situation when I'm able to maintain a constant speed above 5 mph. In the absolute heat of summer, I might need to just use my Triple Eight elbow guards and my Boblebee backpack in lieu of the jacket, but I haven't had to do that yet. I also have a Fox Baseframe Pro D30 Chest Guard Jacket which is meant for dirt track riding and intended to be worn under a jersey, but I doubt I will use this often unless I know for sure that I won't be riding on the street at all, because it offers basically no abrasion resistance. Anyone who has crashed and slid on the road (or on gravel) knows that abrasion resistance is as or more important than impact resistance, especially on the kinds of crashes I have seen involving EUC. Only purpose-built gear like a motorcycle jacket or Lazy Rolling Kevlar-reinforced outer layer will provide this. From what I can tell, even the Lazy Rolling Performance Hoodie is hotter than a mesh motorcycle jacket, so unless you really prefer the casual style of the Lazy Rolling, I would recommend a summer mesh moto jacket.
  • Boblbee GTX 25L Hardshell Backpack (Hi-Viz Yellow)
    • First, all my gear is black/hi-viz yellow, so I had no choice but to get this. Some will say back protection is not essential gear for EUC, and as long as they never crash and impact their spine, they're right. As long as I prefer not being paraplegic to some slight inconvenience, I will wear a back protector when riding at speed. If I'm not wearing my jacket with a back protector, and/or when I want to carry gear (even if it's just water and a camera, or whatever), I'll wear the Boblbee. Yes, it makes you stick out like a sore thumb when you're riding, but A) that's the point of the hi-viz yellow version, and B) you already stick out like a sore thumb when you're riding an EUC. Might as well take it to the next level. And it is the best back protector in the world, so it's kind of a no-brainer for me when it comes to EUC equipment.
• Trust the wheel (to an extent). This is probably the biggest takeaway overall. Most of your hesitation when learning will come from just not believing, or understanding, that the wheel is capable of seemingly magical things. As long as it's working as intended, and you are standing on it properly, grabbing it firmly but not aggressively with your legs, and not flailing yourself around, it will just roll on straight across things that will initially surprise you, at speeds that you will initially think are totally insane for something so small and squirrely. You'll be able to turn in an incredibly tight circle at such a low speed that you'll think to yourself, "How the HELL am I not falling over right now?" You'll be able to glide over scary gaps in the pavement and absorb them with your knees to the point that you barely notice them, even at 20 mph. You'll be able to make long gliding turns and wave your arms around like you're a bird flying through the air and little kids will laugh at you. All of these things will seem incomprehensible when you first step up on the wheel, and maybe even for a few weeks after. Some of these magical feats are thanks to the EUC technology - being able to lean or sit down at comical angles while keeping your feet balanced, for instance, thanks to the gyroscope - but mostly it's just due to the basic physics of a wheel in motion. Simply put, it's more stable than you think it is, and you have to learn to trust both the wheel itself as well as the technology that supports it. That said, and paradoxically, EUCs and unicycles generally are also inherently unstable. The main thing that will throw the EUC out of balance is not itself, nor something in the road, but YOU. Your unintended or unplanned movements of your body are the most likely culprit of something that throws you off the wheel, in whatever axis it may be. You have to learn to relax your body overall and move only in ways that don't upset the balance of the wheel, and this is something that takes time and practice. The technology of EUCs is also, ironically, both stable and fragile at the same time. As PEVs go, they are very simple, with relatively few failure points and a low-maintenance design that means they can function for a long time in adverse conditions with relatively little trouble. However, unlike 2+ wheeled vehicles, you are COMPLETELY at the mercy of the hardware and software to keep you from crashing. This is just a fact. On a bike, scooter, or car of any kind, if everything failed at once, you'd still have the opportunity to just roll to a stop. On an EUC, if ONE THING FAILS, you are immediately and without any warning put directly onto your face.
• You don't have any mechanical means of stopping. This is something that's very important to understand, especially if you are used to riding basically any other vehicle. You're completely dependent on the motor and battery to decelerate, along with your own physical and mental skill at applying rearward pressure on the pedals, which is harder to learn than leaning forward. Even when applying full braking pressure, your stopping distance is MUCH GREATER than on any mechanically braked device. This is something that you need to be constantly aware of when you are choosing how fast to go and what situations to put yourself in. No matter how good of a rider you are, if someone cuts you off, you're much more likely to run into them on an EUC than on any other vehicle at the same speed. Your risk of this is exponentially greater when you are first learning, so just don't put yourself into those situations until you have absolute confidence in your ability to apply maximum braking power, and even then - be conservative about where and how you ride. This is a fundamental limitation of the device, and something that - like it or not - you have to accept and understand.

So, if you've made it this far, you're probably a real geek and super into the prospect or reality of learning how to ride an EUC. Do it! You're never too old or too scared to suck at something new! :-p And you will suck at it at first, most likely. But you won't suck forever, and in fact, if you are diligent about it (which again, if you've read all of this, you probably are), you will get better at it sooner than you expected.
And then you'll be able to literally glide through time and space on the most whimsical and remarkable vehicle that mankind has ever come up with. You'll make a spectacle of yourself wherever you go, so lean into it - literally. Imagine yourself leaving a trail of rainbow dust behind you that lifts the spirits of everyone you see.
In many ways, learning to ride an EUC is a metaphor for life. You start off completely overwhelmed and thinking that you don't have control over anything. Eventually, gradually, and with a fair share of mistakes and sudden breakthroughs, you learn that you're actually a superhero and you can do anything. But you also never stop learning and improving and finding more ways to have fun.
Welcome to the ride of your life!

I saw my girlfriend yesterday/last night and we stayed out quite late - until around 2am. She lives around 1 hour away from where we were out at.
As we were leaving I asked her to message me to let me know she got home safe. I ask this everytime and she usually messages me that night or in the morning before she starts work.
I haven't heard from her today. She hasn't even been 'online' for 13 hours. I'm starting to feel super worried for her safety because I know she was feeling tired before she left. It's totally out of the norm to not have heard from her by now.
I'm not sure what to do because we're newly dating and I haven't met any of her family or friends yet to check in with. She's also in the military, so I can't really go and check on her.
TL;dr: really worried about girlfriend's safety after she seems to be completely offline (no text or online status) after a late drive home.
UPDATE: I called the base and then she also reached out to me at the same time - she's ok, thank god.

This is a long post.
I need help. This is not an easy decision for me to make for myself, no less for the lives of 4 other people (my husband and 3 children). My husband has left the decision all up to me because I am the one with the problem keeping a job. He no longer has any sympathy or faith in the fact that I will stay at a job for longer than a year, because I am a "perpetual job-hopper". I am now in extensive therapy to address this issue so that I can maintain some level of stability for me and my family.
That being said, a decision still needs to be made. And, I don't know how to go about doing that. There are a lot of factors/variables involved in making this decision, which is why it hasn't bene done yet. If I had a magic wand I would wave it and we would be living in our own place by now. But due to fear of the unknown, I am not able to do so.
I have been offered (3) job positions. 2 of them are in the same state, the other is in another state. Currently where we are living, I am unable to find a full-time job position in my line of work due to not being able to receive the covid booster shot (our state is the only one left with a mandate). I have submitted a medical exemption from my doctor, provided all of the required documentation, and I have still been denied employment. I just can't find a way around it. I have spoken to a lawyer and he even told me that private organizations have the right to deny employment based on what their "exceptions" are. So basically, I can't find work here and we need to move because we are a 2 -income family. These job offers in other states are full-time positions. My husband is able to work remotely anywhere in the US.
To make matters worse, we have been living with my in-laws for almost a year and my MIL is an abusive, intolerable individual who has literally made my life a living hell, but because I am paralyzed with fear, I am unable to get out of this living situation. I am now being forced to, due to the inability to find work where we are living. My husband has taken no role in this whatsoever and continues to allow his mother to disrespect me because he said that until I make a decision on where to go, we have no other place to live. And he wants to ensure that our children have a roof over their heads.
Here are the factors/variables that are involved with making this decision. There are extremely significant. My oldest child is disabled. He requires a good special-education program in an environment with other children who are just like him. The best place for him (I know) is where we are living. But, I can't get a job here. So that is something I have been battling inside because I know that I am unable to provide "the best" for him.

1. One of the job offers is in a place that I really feel I would like to work. It is offering me the most money, with a $30k sign-on bonus. The bonus will be divided up over the course of 2 years, and requires a 2 year commitment to receive all of the money. The surrounding area (and even as far as an hour north of it) is extremely expensive and we haven't been able to find much housing. Our goal is to buy a house, and create stability for our children. This job could provide me with good advancement down the line. The surrounding area is predominantly Haitian and spanish, with not much english-speaking people there. The school districts are not the best, and are not diverse as mentioned previously. I don't know if my son would "fit-in" with these demographics, and he already has so many labels slapped on him due to his disability. People already look at him differently in life. This area is just made-up of these demographics, it is how the area is. So it might be hard for me to find an appropriate school setting for him there. Plus, housing is very expensive, unfortunately. My husband would be able to maintain his current salary, as the COL in this area is comparable to where we currently are. So that is a big plus. He would not receive a pay cut. However, as mentioned, housing is expensive in this location.
   
2. The other job offer is in the same state, just in another area. This job is OK- it is offering me only a $5k sign-on bonus, all at once. After taxes, it would probably be around $3500. This job is located in a more diversified area- with people of all different colors and nationalities. The school districts are still not very good. Housing seems to be a bit more affordable. It is not as interesting as a job as the other offer. But, it is a job and the pay is actually very good. My husband would receive a pay cut in this area, eventually. The COL is not the same as the other area, and once we were settled and living there with an address, his company would decrease his pay to reflect the COL in that area. So eventually, that would catch up with us. But, the housing is cheaper there, so it would off-set his pay cut. I believe that we could find a house to buy in this area eventually.
   
3. The 3rd job offer is in another state and they are offering me a $20k sign-on bonus. This bonus is provided in one single paycheck, and comes with a 2 year commitment. Housing is decent in this area. The COL isn't too bad, however my husband would receive the largest pay cut if we moved to this area. My salary would be much lower with this position than the other job offers. The school district in this area is good. Not great- but decent, and might even be better than where the other two jobs are located. There is a good amount of diversity in this area, and not only one population of people. The pay is just pretty low in this area for both myself and my husband.
   

I want to do what is best for my children, and while I know that money is important, I feel that stability at this time, is the most important thing for them. They have been moved around so many times, and have been in unruly living conditions for almost the past year. I have also endured so much abuse from this woman that I need to make a decision and pack up my things and get the hell out. Knowing all of this, I am still paralyzed and I can't make a move. I have so many things to consider. I want to do what is best for my disabled child, but I also have 2 other children to make a decision for. It is so hard being a mother. You want to do what is best for everyone. And not all of the time, does "everyone" have the same needs. Each child is different and has a different need.
So, how do I make a decision that is right for all of these people? I am grateful that I am being given job opportunities because I can't find work where I am currently living. Due to that, I am so scared of losing the opportunity. I need help figuring this out.
Thank you to anyone who has read this and can provide me with supportive feedback. I am so thankful for your help!

The episode on Gargwiki.
The episode on Ask Greg.
How long has it been: the episode follows directly from the previous one.
Not much to say about the assaults against the Cyberbiotics Tower and the underground base (hey, first appearance of the Labyrinth!) - they're ok; I do like Hudson's strategy to breach into the latter:

1. Notice the camera.
2. Go to the door and pretend you're trying to open it, thus letting yourself be seen.
3. Let them capture you.
4. Use the Gargoyle Beast you had previously told to stay hidden to take them by surprise.
5. Profit.

Good to know the Old Soldier still got it. The fall of Fortress-1 is cool too, although Elisa arriving there just in time to see Goliath and Demona glide away is a bit too fortuitous. I'll let Greg Weisman explain why Goliath and Demona's conversation at the Castle is good: "Anyway, that whole conversation is just full of delicious irony -- all working against Demona. Goliath says, "I cannot make war on an entire world," completely unaware that that's exactly what Demona wants to do. He says, "Doesn't Xanatos prove that some humans can be trusted?" But of course, Demona knows that Xanatos absolutely cannot be trusted. Every statement Goliath makes pushes Demona toward further extremism. And he isn't even trying. Finally, after Demona reminds him of the Wyvern betrayal and Massacre, he says that the ones responsible for that "have been dead for 1000 years." Now putting aside that the Captain and Hakon aren't quite as dead-dead as Goliath thinks, this has got to push Demona over the edge. Deep down she knows her own responsibility. Again Goliath is wrong, because the traitor is standing right in front of him. My hats off to Michael Reaves. What a great scene! "So be it." she says. Goliath won't know it until VOWS. But they are DONE. Right there." Yup.
Goliath says that Demona has become "hard, unforgiving. You are not as I remember you."; I sure hope Dark Ages won't make that line sound weird in a couple of months. He then goes to meet Elisa, and we learn that Xanatos is the villain; well I never.
Speaking of which, Xanatos declares that the Gargs "have outlived their usefulness", which sounds a bit weird from a guy who'll later be defined as the "I never toss away anything" man; Demona being 100% on board with killing them is a bit weird too: ok, Goliath has made it clear that he'll never agree with her schemes of genocide, but you'd think she could at least make an attempt to gauge the other four's opinions before deciding they all need termination too.
Still, the Steel Clan's first appearance is cool (love the name, by the way); Xanatos makes a nice speech about them: "They're steel instead of stone, they don't sleep during the day, they can fly instead of glide, and best of all, they're 100% obedient." All very good, although it's undercut a bit by the fact that Goliath destroys one of them less than twenty seconds later. The following fight is good too (aside from Hudson cutting one of the robots in half while screaming like a maniac, that's F**KING AWESOME!), and we get the first of many, MANY, "have two enemies impact with each other" maneuvers; I sure hope you like those.
We get our fairly iconic "Demona with the bazooka" image, and Xanatos gets another nice line: "Hold it. Let's just let them play out their little drama, shall we?". Then Demona starts ranting about Goliath being a fool and about the fact that the "plan" only failed because of him - and kudos to Marina Sirtis, you really get the feeling that she waited a long, LONG time to tell him this; I really like this exchange:
DEMONA: "The plan was perfect..."
GOLIATH: "...plan?"
DEMONA: "It would've suceeded!"
GOLIATH: "What plan?"
We learn that Demona helped the Captain organize the sacking of Wyvern, which is easily the five-parter's best twist: it makes perfect sense once you say it, but before that you're not really thinking about the possibility because you already have a culprit for the Massacre and there doesn't seem to be the need to look for others; still, kinda like Goliath's suicide in Part Two, the moment is undercut a bit by the fact that this revelation won't be brought up as much as it should have been in the following episodes: you'd think Demona's role in the Massacre would be on the forefront of most of the Clan's interactions with her, but instead it tends to fade into the background most of the time.
Then, in another moment that I'm fairly sure Demona apologists tend to ignore, Goliath immediately surmises her problem:
GOLIATH: "Don't you see? None of this would have happened if it weren't for you!"
DEMONA: "DON'T SAY THAT!"
Demona then declares humanity to be "a poison that must be purged from this planet"; I'd kinda like to know Xanatos' thoughts on that: is this the first time he heard about Demona's final objective? Or did he know already? And regardless of the answer, isn't it a bit weird that he apparently didn't expect her betrayal AT ALL in City of Stone, considering what he hears here?
DEMONA: "You trusted me once. You loved me once. We have found each other again after a thousand years of solitude: does that mean nothing to you?"
I love Goliath's reaction to that: small tears forming in his eyes and him being unable to answer, or even just look at her in the eyes; great stuff. Then Demona says "If you are not my ally, then you are my enemy" over a decade before Anakin Skywalker did the same in Revenge of the Sith; sadly, Goliath doesn't answer with: "Only a Rogue Gargoyle deals in absolutes. I will do what I must."
The revelation of Demona's name is... eh; I'll let Weisman explain the problem: "One thing that never quite worked for me, was the reveal of Demona's name. She makes such a big deal of it. But the name (at this point in the series) just doesn't have enough resonance for me yet. Later, sure. "Demona". We all sit up and take notice. But there. "Demona". Yeah, so?"
Elisa saves Goliath; he immediately follows by saving her, while Demona falls to her... let's say "death" and try not to laugh too much about it, ok? Anyway: really good scene. Goliath is ready to kill Xanatos ("She wanted me to destroy humanity... I think I'll start with YOU!") but Elisa and Hudson manage to calm him down; Weisman has a strange comment about that: "Hudson pipes in and says, "She's right, lad. Is that what you want?" I intentionally instructed our voice director Jamie Thomason to direct Ed Asner to read that line with ambiguity. Hudson DOESN'T care whether Goliath tosses David or not. He simply wants Goliath to make an informed choice." Strange because:

1. Why wouldn't Hudson care about Goliath becoming "the same as Demona", as Elisa says? Especially after learning what Demona caused with her actions?
2. In the immediately following scene, Hudson clearly says that Goliath "did the right thing".

Xanatos gets arrested - I'll talk about that in the next post; we get some final shenanigans with the Trio (Brooklyn's sunglasses going to pieces and Broadway saying that he got hungry again just an hour after eating Chinese); we close with this dialogue:
ELISA: "Maybe we'll catch a Giants' game."
GOLIATH: "Giants?"
ELISA: "I wonder if this city is ready for you guys..."
It's ok; final verdict: not the best episode in the five-parter, but still a good conclusion.
RANKINGS:

1. Awakening Part Four
2. Awakening Part One
3. Awakening Part Two
4. Awakening Part Five
5. Awakening Part Three

I´ve been thinking about posting this for a while now. Throwaway account for reasons you will come to understand quite clearly. It’s gonna be a long one so pls bear with me, this is the story (history) of one of the most painful parts of my life and I could really use some help. I’ve been thinking on going no contact with my mother (60) who I will refer to as M., for a really long time now. The communication with M. has been really seldom for maybe 8 years now and I haven’t confided in her with any problems or advice in over 15y. A little back story: I (35 F) grew up in a medium class family, private schools and university, etc. I mention this because I believe its one of the reasons making me feel guilty, as if granting food, clothes, a home and education had created “debt” I will always carry with my parents, mainly because my mother constantly made my sister and I aware of that. Dad worked long hours but he was my rock through my childhood and adolescence. He passed away, did it himself a couple years ago, but that’s a story for another post. So since I can remember my mother made me responsible of caring for my sister who is 5 years younger than me. The fact that my sister has a psychiatric condition made it a little harder i believe, thou she’s not disabled or anything (she’s one of my best friends now) it was extremely challenging to be around and/or control her as a kid/ teenager. Every time my sister would make her nervous she would call me and shout and demanded I come back or handle the situation being a kid myself.
She never made me feel accepted, understood or welcomed being myself. She just showed affection the way she likes to give/receive it, not caring that I never felt comfortable with it. She would shout she hatted me, that im stupid, that she never expected a daughter like me. All this in the “heat of the moment” while she was angry. She also physically abused us (hitting us with her hands mainly). She stopped this one day that I stood up and took her wrists in my hands, preventing her punches (I was finally taller and stronger than her). That night she was angry ‘cause I wasn’t talking and my face made her nervous while dinner. she through me out and I went to my dads. I was 13 y/o.
So, to more recent events: the ones that really took me to a breaking point where two: 1, My dad was in a ver bad car crash (they were divorced since 3 years by then and we had had a fallen out, he was depressive and an alcoholic his entire life but I still loved him with all my life), this was in 2015. I was living in this other city and my dad was in the ICU so I called her and told her I was gonna come to see him and that a coworker whom I was dating (not officially) at the time offered to take me there (4hs car ride). So she proceeded to shout during more than 2hrs over the phone, the most horrible things I ever heard in my life. Stating I was not welcomed in her house with my coworker cause he was my 3rd “boyfriend” “already “and that she didn’t see the point on me risking my life in the highway for a man who didn’t even care if I was dead or alive ‘cause he refused to talk to me, that man being my dad. All of the time I was bawling my eyes out. You know when you cry so hard you have trouble breathing? 2, about two years later my dad ended himself and since they were divorced my sister and I were the solely responsible for everything. I mean I even payed for the funeral and arrange it while being in another country (holidays) while looking for ways to get back. As I mentioned before, my dad was wealthy (yes, that does not save you from being miserable) so after some months I made up my mind to sell all his properties and means of income. But I needed my sister’s approval on everything. So M. Decided to do an “intervention” on me with my sister present (who just kept staring at the floor) and shouted, on Christmas Day btw, that I was being irresponsible, a little brat who had no idea about life and that I had always been pedantic and ungrateful. Just bc she was not ok with me selling his things. I have many more things to share, but I don’t wanna make this endless for you.
M. Loves to pick fights, argue and she goes completely crazy and violent if you so much as disagree. She hates her own mom (my only grandma whom I love) and would constantly monitor me if I was visiting her. She has complete disregard of one’s feelings or opinions. I have asked her to go to a psychologist countless times, each time receiving either screams or disregards as answer. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade now and my sister for more than 3 years.
Truth is the only reasons I haven’t follow through with NC are plain guilt and the fact that I come from a country where going NC is almost none existent. Family is never questioned. So this would be completely “unexpected”. Going low contact she can disguise, but NC no.
I am certain with the years she has come to acknowledge the distance my sister and I have taken from her, but she lives in a fantasy-like alternate reality where we all love and miss each others. My sister was always her golden child, so she didn’t really care about me distancing until sister did, to be honest. But now she’s old and alone and she’s not doing well (mentally, physically she’s excellent). And all I can think of is, why do I still pick up the phone when she calls? It’s not out of love to be completely honest, it’s guilt. Guilt bc she believed she made her best, guilt bc she’s not a sane person and guilt bc if I cut contact, I’m afraid she will not really understand the motives.
If you’ve come this far, THANK YOU. Any response will be much appreciated.

Two weeks ago, I spoke on the phone with Tom Ono, the manual writer for Heroes of Might and Magic III. As usual, Tom asked how things were going. I said things were good... then proceeded to whine and complain for the next five minutes (much to Tom's amusement).
When the conversation concluded, Tom said, "Don't complain too much. Some people would give their eyeteeth to be in the game industry." I responded, "Who are these people and why haven't they been beaten for their own good?"
My name is Gregory Fulton, game designer for Heroes of Might and Magic III (developed by New World Computing, published by 3DO). You may call me Greg. Like most game designers, I'm sure you'll find me a bitter and cynical man, aged beyond my years, full of sarcasm, and inexplicably drawn to the horrors of game production like a lobotomized moth to the "pretty" flame.
As I guide you through your weekly tour of my memories, I promise the recollected images will be truthful and sincere but written with a smirk and a wink.
Undoubtedly, we will interact with the following animals: artists, level builders, managers, producers, programmers, testers, and monkeys. To help ensure your safety, I request you fasten your seat belts, keep your hands to your sides at all times, and be sure to not make any quick and sudden movements. Remember... we will be passing through the game production process.

12/05/98
It's Saturday. I'm at work with three other members of the Heroes3 team. I'll be in again tomorrow.
Smells like "crunch time."
Everyone in the game industry knows the term "crunch time." Those not in the industry may ask, "What is crunch time?" Long hours: 10-18 each day. We're starting our fourth crunch month. We have at least one more after this.
Bad take-out food: Mexican and Chinese food are New World's favorites. Today we had Taco Bell and Domino's pizza as part of NWC's "work for food" program.
Social Life: To work in the game industry you must already have some form of social retardation. When crunch mode begins, you may only speak in code to coworkers. Immediate family and friends may be seen on brief occasions so they don't file a missing-persons report. I'm one of the lucky ones; I don't remember having any friends or family.
Hygiene: Haircuts and showers become optional in favor of more sleep time. For me, showers are a must, but my hair is sprouting wings and a tail. Pretty soon I'll look like the lead singer from Flock of Seagulls.
Stress: Anger and frustration are frequent companions. If bridges are burned, this is usually the time. Earlier this week morale was low. In a fit of anger concerning team interactions, I was heard shouting, "I feel like a kindergarten teacher. Can't everyone just keep their hands to themselves and play nice!"
Murphy's law: Any potential hazard will be encountered. I'm writing this diary from the NWC conference room. My computer refuses to function for more than five minutes without seizing up.
12/06/98
This weekend I'm taking care of my PR duties (hence this diary). Not the most exciting stuff, so I'll relate a short story from earlier this week.
David Mullich (producer), Mark Caldwell (NWC vice president and programmer), Jon Van Caneghem (NWC president, creator of all things Might and Magic, and company design visionary), and I found ourselves crowded into the sweltering office of Scott White.
Scott did all the town screens in Heroes III except the Rampart, Necropolis, and Fortress. Since he finished his 3D duties, he's turned his skills to the game's interface. Believe it or not, we were in Scott's office arguing about color: interface colors and player colors.
After much arguing about the interface colors, we decided to leave it virtually untouched. Player colors were a different subject.
Originally, we used light blue, dark blue, red, green, purple, brown, black, and white. These colors needed to change. Light blue looked like the blue used in the main menu. Brown clashed with the brown used in the general game interface. Game text disappeared against white. Black and green disappeared with the terrain colors shown on the game mini-map.
OK. We agreed some of the colors needed to change. After this, the agreements stopped. I don't know what is more ridiculous... arguing over what colors to use or the twisted logic behind the arguments. Red, blue, and dark green were safe choices. We still needed five other colors. The conversation went something like this....

"I don't want yellow. Yellow is the urine color."
"What about brown?"
"I don't like brown."
"Brown is the s**t color."
"What about pink?"
"Pink is a sissy color."
"We won't call it pink. We'll call it 'rose'."
"Rose?"
"The rose player?"
"I don't know. If I saw a pink hero, I'd turn and run away. You know any hero secure enough to use pink as his color is bad ass."
"What about magenta?"
"What about cobalt? What about cadmium?"
"Have we accounted for all the fecal colors?"
"What about orange?"
"Phelan (our art lead) doesn't like orange. It looks bad."
"So. I don't think it looks bad."
"Fine. You tell her you want orange."
"She'll kick your ass."
"Oh. Fine. We won't use orange."

So it went. Fifteen minutes later everyone agreed to disagree, and Jon was made the final judge. Here are the final colors: red, blue, yellow, green, orange, purple, aqua, and rose (pink).
12/07/98
Today we stopped all map production. From here until we ship, I join the mapmakers and testers in playing maps and writing bugs... or so I thought.
Today, I had dropped into my lap the assignment of converting the 144-plus pages of the game manual into a help file. Anyone who has written a help file knows how huge this task can be. I could probably finish it in a day, but it requires no one bothering me for an extended period of time. Ha!
At this late stage of the production cycle, my entire day is spent meeting with people, making sure people are doing their work, and confirming that what is being done is correct. I don't have time for work. I've made the ugly evolution from game designer to middle manager.
It wasn't like this at the beginning of the project. At the beginning of the project the game designer is the screaming prophet, lost and alone in the desert (or the design process if you prefer).
In the middle of the production process the prophet is being screamed at by all his fellow coworkers who are wondering what to do because the design doc is behind schedule.
At the end of the project, everyone's a screaming prophet, and everyone is screaming at everyone else.
Sometime in the middle of all this screaming I've got to write this help file. Maybe I could give the assignment to Christian Vanover (H3 assistant director). Isn't it the job of a middle manager to delegate?
12/08/98
Yesterday I was wondering where I would find the time to write the game help file. Today I have the answer.... I think I have the flu. This doesn't feel like any 24-hour "see-ya-bye" flu either. This feels like "kneel before Zod!" flu.
All right. I've got a story for you.
Earlier today we "officially" stopped making maps. From here on out, we play, test, and polish the game. This could mean a little, or a lot. If the maps play well the first time out, revisions will be minor. If we end up chucking whole maps, we may find ourselves back to making maps. Thus, we started playing them today. JVC (Jon Van Caneghem, New World's president) ended up playing a notorious map named "Barbarian Breakout."
Ten minutes after he starts, JVC pages me over my phone intercom: "Hey Yoda." (He's been calling me Yoda lately. I don't know why. I'm not sure if I should be honored or offended. On one hand, Yoda is wise and he trains Jedi Knights. On the other hand, he is a short ugly green dude with big ears.) "Enemy hero with six behemoths (one of the highest-level creatures) knocked on my front door on week two, day one."
"Oops. I'll be right there."
As soon as I walked into JVC's office, the razzing began.
"What's with the six behemoths? Is this one of the balanced scenarios?"
"OK, OK. Something's wrong. Turn off the fog."
Jon restarts the scenario, turns off the fog of war, ends turn four times in a row, then right-clicks the enemy hero to see the extent of his forces. Aside from his other three stacks of creatures... he has one stack of six behemoths. Oops.
"All right. Open the map in the editor."
Jon opens the map in the editor. What do we discover? First, the enemy hero starts at level three, and the mapmaker (Dave Botan) has given him four stacks of creatures. In addition, the enemy hero's starting town has three of seven creature generators already prebuilt.
No wonder the enemy was able to recruit behemoths on day four.
Remember the story about the father who comes home from a bad day at work and yells at his wife? She in turn yells at her kid. The kid in turn kicks the dog.
At this point, I'm looking for a dog to kick. So, I hunt down Dave Botan. Immediately, Dave states his defense.
"Everyone says the map's too hard. It isn't. The AI's cheating." (Recently, we discovered the artificial intelligence was exploiting an undiscovered bug allowing it to recruit more creatures than were actually available.)
"The AI doesn't need to cheat. It's already got a huge advantage."
"There's a bug."
"Doesn't matter. Set all players to normal starting conditions."
At this point everyone begins to playfully dog-pile on Dave telling all the reasons why his maps suck. In the end he relented and fixed the map.
12/09/98
I'm not writing from work today. I'm writing from home. I have seven-way-straight-from-the-bottom-of-the-Amazon-flu.
With this kind of flu the logical course of action would be to rest, drink lots of fluids, watch lots of movies, maybe see a doctor. However, I am a game designer and unfamiliar with the ways of logic. A day at home with the flu means I have the opportunity to finish the H3 help file.
Wow.
How pathetic can you get? On my day off to rest and get better, I use the uninterrupted time to convert a 144+ page manual into a help file.
I should get sick more often. I get more work done.
12/10/98
I'm back at work today. Good news... I finished the help file. Bad news... I still have the flu, and because I was so efficient in writing the game help file... I've been given the task of writing the map editor help file. Oh yeah, finish it by Monday.
Monday? There's so much pressure in my head, when I sniff, my eyes want to flee their sockets. My voice has the auditory consistency of sandpaper. Monday? Sure, I'll have it done by Monday.
12/11/98
Well, it's Friday night, and I have yet to see Star Trek: Insurrection. Doubt I'll be seeing it anytime soon.
One of the unmentioned symptoms of crunch time is cultural unawareness. In my time at a previous company I almost missed the entire O.J. trial. I haven't seen a movie since Starship Troopers. I'm not kidding.
12/14/98
I shouldn't have come in to work Thursday and Friday. It really pushed me over the edge. For the past two days I've been laid up with fever and chills. Remarkably, it was the one thing to take my mind off work. Aside from a froggy throat, it seems to have passed.
Enough about my illness. From here on, assume I'm always ill with the flu.
12/15/98
Today NWC (New World Computing) took a brief pause from game development to listen to Trip Hawkins (president of 3DO, NWC's parent company).
Twice a year, Trip makes a formal visit to talk about the company and where we're going as a company. It's a nice break from things.
However, Trip wasn't half as exciting as David Richie (our tools programmer) who sat next to me. Turns out David is coming down with the flu.
Over the course of the meeting, the air conditioning didn't turn on. With over 50 people crammed into a room, it got hot very fast. As the minutes passed, I could see David slowly whither.
I thought he was going to vomit. So basically, for most of the meeting, I sat envisioning how I was going to get out of the way when the volcano erupted.
Luckily, the volcano did not erupt. David left in the middle of the lecture and I haven't seen him since.
12/17/98
Welcome to the end of another working day at NWC. There is still no sign of David Richey. Another one of our programmers, John Krause, called in sick today. David Mullich (the Heroes III director) was ready to take bets on who would call in sick next. Of course, everyone blames me for getting them ill.
As far as your average NWC workday goes, this one was hectic and full of revelation.
Revelation?
Yes. Revelation. Only today did I look at my calendar and realize Christmas was next Friday.
Hectic?
Yes. Hectic. Every now and then I need to wipe my desk clean. This means catching up on all the hand-scrolled notes and stray post-its littered about my desk. When my desk is clean, I'm caught up.
This very act of cleaning makes for a semi-chaotic day. There is much gear shifting and subject changing to close dangling issues.
Add to this my usual parade of visitors, and my first chance to test multiplayer, and it takes great effort to avoid turning into a screaming monkey. Yes, I said screaming monkey.
Frequently, I find myself held hostage in my own office as a line of visitors (testers, programmers, artists, producers, etc.) quickly assemble outside my office in a short period of time, all wanting a piece of my brain.
Today it happened to occur while I was in the middle of a multiplayer game with Jeff Leggett (H3 multiplayer programmer). Simultaneously, I had three people show up and cram themselves into my small office. Each began jockeying for position to ask a question. Meanwhile, Jeff waited on the phone intercom, with Heroes III continually chiming in the background, letting me know it was my turn to play.
At this point you may apply the screaming monkey metaphor.
Despite the great potential for chaos, I asked Jeff to wait, gave my three suitors a number, told them to wait in line, then answered each of their questions.
On the surface, everything looked under control. Little did these poor souls know there was a screaming monkey, trapped in my mind's steel cage, wildly thrashing about in a desperate attempt to escape and turn me into a volcano of anger and lunacy.
When it was over, I took a deep breath, noted the walls weren't sprayed with the blood of innocent coworkers, and returned to my multiplayer game with Jeff.
Heroes II multiplayer wasn't friendly in the least. When it wasn't your turn, all you could do was sit at the computer and stare at the screen like a moron.
Well, thanks to our wonderful network programmer, Jeff Leggett, a moron you will no longer be.
Jeff has finished implementing multiplayer support. Now we're on a bug hunt. So, today, Jeff and I played a multiplayer game in the background while we went about our work.
I must admit, I had a blast. Moments like this make me forget my job is serious work.
12/18/98 Friday
Today I actually managed to catch up on all my notes. Next up, International Translation Kit. It can wait until Sunday. I don't get to enjoy these moments of accomplishment very often.
Being a game designer is nothing more than a life of delayed gratification. You spend the first month of the project "being creative," then spend the next 17 as a bricklayer implementing low-level details and boot-strapping the game design when unforeseen consequences arise.
Tomorrow we have our annual company Christmas party. I won't be going. I see my coworkers every day at work. I don't want to see them in a social environment. It'd be too weird. They'd have, like, spouses and dates and stuff, and wear dress clothes.
We've been told we can dress formal or casual. To me this means torn jeans and a food-stained white T-shirt. To everyone else, this means dress formal, because no one wants to underdress.
I don't want to see any of my coworkers dressed up. The thought frightens me. We're a bunch of geeks. We don't look good in casual wear. Formal wear will only amplify our geekiness.
Only one thing could entice me to go to the Christmas party - seeing the wives go off on the management for working their husbands so hard. I'd pay to see that... provided I wasn't on the receiving end.
By the way... hello to Chris Cross and Brian Reed, two friends I made when I briefly worked at Dreamworks Interactive (I didn't work on Trespasser). They called me today. They'd read the first entry in the Designer Diary and called to tell me what they thought. They then tied me up on the phone for the next 30 minutes while simultaneously sending me e-mail with bizarre and obscene attachments.
01/02/99 Saturday
Well, I'm back at work. The Christmas break was needed. I spent the first three days drinking eggnog, sleeping in 12- and 16-hour shifts, and watching Clinton get impeached.
After I was well rested, the eggnog was all gone, and Clintion was impeached, I did what any game design loser would do... worked on the game while on vacation. Ugh. I'm so pathetic.
My initial goal was to play existing maps. After playing five maps, it was obvious the AI hadn't been fully tested. It tended to sit back and never struck out until it had enough forces to guarantee a win.
This made for very extreme game experiences. Either you never saw the AI, or it came storming out of nowhere, knocked on your door, and politely introduced itself as your doom.
When our AI programmer (Gus Smedstad) gets back from vacation, I'll need to share my findings with him.
Well, seeing as I couldn't really play the game, I turned my attention to our 144-page game manual... much to my horror.
It turns out our second draft of the manual was full of errors. So, with red pen in hand, I promoted myself from game designer to fact checker. Over the next three days, I proceeded to bloody the pages of our beautiful manual.
To say it was tedious would be an understatement. When it was all over, I couldn't read anything if it wasn't written in fine print.
01/04/99 Monday
Today was another screaming monkey day. Why? One word: programmers.
I won't say who, but one of our programmers came into my office and proceeded to yell at me over a feature request he'd been given to program.
Why was he yelling at me? On the surface, it was because I hadn't given him enough details, or I hadn't thought through its impact enough. Or it could have been because it was simply a stupid feature, I didn't know what I was doing, and I was ruining the game.
The real reason? He wasn't sure how to program the task he'd been given, and the specified time frame was short. Instead of calming down, thinking it through, and telling me whether it could or could not be done in the given time frame, he panicked, and chose to vent at me.
Programmers are a unique breed. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Some of my best friends are programmers.
I must admit I am fascinated. I've watched each of our team programmers code. It's very amusing. How they code gives me a unique insight to their personality. For instance...

John Bolton (lead programmer): When John programs, it looks like he's playing chess.
David Richey (tools programmer): David doesn't code. Beforehand, he thinks about his task in depth, like contemplating philosophy, then simply writes it up. Quite often you can look through David's office window and see him bent over in his chair, chin on fist, like The Thinker.
Mark Caldwell (NWC VP): You need to know Mark to really understand, but when Mark codes, it's like he's in a boxing ring, ducking shots, trading blows, and trash talking with the program.

Now take such individuals and do the unthinkable... Make them into a team. Worse yet, force them to have meetings in which they must interact on a social level and agree to work together. Worse yet, force them to interact with right-brained artists and game designers.
It's a wonder any games ever get made.
Join designer Greg Fulton as gives us his very last Designer Diary entry, which tracks the last days of Heroes of Might and Magic III. In these last few days, the team waited anxiously to approve the gold candidate. But there is no rest for Greg, as he mentions a little something about the expansion disc. Join us as we count down the final development of Heroes III.
01/07/99
Ever heard the phrase "thousand tile stare"?
It's a phrase used by our mapmakers. You get the thousand tile stare from making H3 maps all day long.
Today I got the thousand tile stare after making a map for our eventual game demo.
It's a very simple, small map, letting players experience a portion of the game. Hopefully they'll experience enough and feel compelled to buy the game. I've been calling the map "Dead and Buried."
When I finished, I gave it to Chris Vanover (H3 assistant director) to play. Chris is an expert Heroes player. He's a good gauge of the map's difficulty.
Watching Chris play was a lot of fun. It allowed me to take a break from work and finally see the game in action. However, I am the worst person to have over your shoulder when you play.
Why? I'm a backseat driver. It's a bad habit from playing console games with friends.
Thus, I watched Chris play and second-guessed him all the way. We were like two old men spitting and complaining about the best strategy as Chris clicked his way through the game. It was rather humorous.
01/08/99
Today I gave the Dead and Buried map to a few select people to see if anyone could beat it in the allotted time frame of four game weeks.
One of my candidates was Jen Bullard. Jen is the only female tester in the QA area.
Upon entering the test area, I found Jennifer burning a candle at her desk. She wasn't afraid to comment aloud how everyone else in the test area doesn't wash their clothes often enough. She thinks they stink.
No sooner did I sit down to watch Jen play than the verbal bantering between the testers began.
Ryan Den, another one of our testers, was sure he found a bug and asked aloud if anyone had encountered the same bug. No one had. Immediately everyone began shouting "user error." Ryan thought they were all high... until he realized it was user error. Everyone then proceeded to playfully tear into Ryan yet again.
I must admit, our testers are pretty cool. Their interactions are quite amusing. They banter with the voracity of a knife fight, but it's rarely cruel.
01/14/99
Last night was my last chance to revise the game manual. Thus, I decided to pull an all-nighter to finish it. This was my first time being at NWC so late. I also experienced something completely new.
I had been drinking many free Cokes when my bladder reminded me who was really in charge. Without hesitation, I raced to the bathroom. I opened the door. It was dark. This is not unusual. The lights are hooked up to a motion sensor. To save energy, they turn on and off based on the presence of a moving body. Confident the lights would turn on, I strode into the bathroom.
The lights did not illuminate.
Fumbling around in the dark, I was able to find the light switch and flip it on.
Nothing.
Fumbling around some more, I found the door handle and exited the bathroom.
Moving quickly to Mark Caldwell's office (Mark and George were also working late), I told him, "The bathroom lights won't turn on." He said, "Yeah. The bathroom lights don't turn on after midnight." I asked, "How do you go to the bathroom with the lights off?" He answered, "Usually I just feel my way to the urinal."
"I need to take a crap."
"Hey, I wouldn't know anything about that. Get the flashlight from George."
"I need a flashlight?"
"Yeah."
So, I walked to George's office.
"I need the bathroom flashlight."
Giggling to himself under his breath, George reached into his desk and gave me a pocket flashlight. With flashlight in hand I returned to the bathroom where everything went according to plan.
I know game production has its odd moments, but... this one was really odd.
01/18/99
In the last days of a game's production, the game designer makes a desperate attempt to prevent features from being cut to make the deadline. However, if I got all the features I wanted, the game would never ship. Thus, there is always a tug of war between the game designer, management, programmers, and artists, to decide what gets into the game and what gets pushed back to the expansion or sequel.
Today I was doing my best to get a new hero into the game without too much additional programming or art. I realized I could get the results I needed by simply adding a new graphic and customizing an existing game hero. Even better, I could get the graphic from existing art in the intro movie. All the artist had to do was crop a freeze-frame from the movie and give it to our asset manager to be put into the game. I could customize the hero in the editor. All the programmers had to do was recognize the character's unique identification.
Well, we did.
I wonder how much longer I can push my luck.
01/19/99
I have become the Walmart floor manager.
No. I haven't quit my job.
Let me explain.
At this stage in the making of the game, I find myself spending most of my time walking the halls with my Notepad of Oppression waiting for people to call out my name.
The notepad is a list of issues needing resolution. Most people find the notepad humorous unless their name is on it. Ironically, I end up putting my name on the notepad more than anyone else's (I'm oppressing myself).
Regardless, when I am walking the halls and someone calls out my name, I duck into their office to answer their questions. Sometimes this means getting on their phone and calling someone else to clear up an issue. If I don't have the answer, I'm the intermediary.
Thus, I feel like the Walmart floor manager, roaming the isles, taking care of arising issues. All I really need is the blue vest.
01/20/99
For a moment, consider most game manuals. Usually, a manual details the game interface and introduces you to the various game elements. Rarely do these manuals give you true game statistics.
For Heroes III , we wanted to buck this trend. Using the Heroes II strategy guide as a model, we decided to make a big manual loaded with information. This is exactly what we did - 144 pages.
Today we signed off on the manual. Well, no sooner did the ink dry than we discovered some errors. It was terrifying. I literally sat at my desk, looking at the errors I had discovered, and heard the manual mocking me with the chittering of a wild hyena.
There was nothing I could do. It was carved in stone. Now understand, most manuals ship with some errors. This is what the Readme is for. However, several people had gone over this manual time and again, and still there were errors.
I'll never make a big manual again. It's too much upkeep considering the fluidity of game design.
I'm sure I'll lose some sleep over this.
1/25/99
Today the Coke machine caught fire.
Let me repeat this.
Today the Coke machine caught fire.
Since we started crunching, around 7:00pm each night, Mark Caldwell (NWC VP) has been unlocking the Coke machine for free drinks to go with our evening meal. We don't continue pressing the selection buttons for the various drinks. Instead, we literally open up the front half of this big, red, half-ton refrigerator, made to withstand the assaults of the most juvenile of delinquents.
Now, I'm not exactly clear on the details, but one of the testers pulled open the front door to grab a soda from inside. Apparently, some of the electrical wires were sheared, followed by fire and smoke.
Upon seeing the fire and smelling the smoke, the tester grabbed Ben Bent (NWC office manager and part-time game director). He then pointed out the fire in the Coke machine.
With perfect calm, Ben simply unplugged the Coke machine. Poof. The fire went away.
I must admit, I can't help but see the fire in the Coke machine as a metaphor for Heroes III in production. A fire starts, someone panics, and someone else calmly solves the problem.
Truthfully, it's the story of the game production process.
2/07/99 Sunday
Today could be the day.
We've decided to make a "final candidate" CD-ROM for 3DO approval. A final candidate is what we consider "ready to ship." We then send the final candidate to 3DO for them to do shrink-wrap testing.
Tonight, no one leaves the building until the game is finished.
2/08/99 Monday
It's 5:00am Monday morning.
We just started burning the final candidate.
About half the team is still here.
We've been crunching too long. Everyone's burnt.
About 15 minutes ago, Mark starting broadcasting Money For Nothing over everyone's speakerphone.
Ironic.
02/13/99
I am literally weak-kneed. Except for writing this entry, all I intend to do is just sit in my office chair and do everything I possibly can to do nothing.
As of 8:30 Saturday, February 13, we're calling it good Barring last-second crash bugs, the game is done.
It's 9:30, and with the realization the game is done, already I'm beginning to crash.
After crunching for so long, the crash is the aftereffect. This is the time when you finally realize you can relax and return to a somewhat normal life. This is also the flag signaling the release of all the pent-up stress and illness you've been holding off by sheer will for the past six months. Thus... crash.
Wow.
We're done.
02/14/99
Four days after announcing Heroes has gone gold, we're already talking about the expansion pack. Already, I've assembled my map makers. They're good people. With H3 under their belts they should make even better maps for the expansion.
The downside? Chris Vanover is moving onto a different project. Technically Chris was H3's assistant director, but I adopted him as my assistant designer. He was a big help in many of the grunt areas. I was hoping to hand the expansion off to Chris so I could concentrate on the next Heroes.
No such luck.
Ultimately, this means vacation must wait.
(whimper)
Where is a monkey boy when you need one?
02/19/99
David Mullich's (Heroes III director) wife was pregnant and expecting about the same time as E3 last year (Atlanta '98). So, he couldn't go and demonstrate the game.
I was the next logical choice. I know the game better than anyone else, and when needed, I can turn on the charm.
Now don't get me wrong, when I have demoed the game, it has been a delight. Yet, as a game, Heroes III doesn't demo well. It's a turn-based game. It's not a first-person shooter or real-time strategy game. There's no real immediate reward for your attention span to latch onto.
However, Heroes does have a very large, very dedicated following. Thus, most people who want to see Heroes are already fans. This was the case at E3.
At E3 I did the vast majority of the presentations. I did so many I ended up losing my voice. Almost all the people who saw the game were fans of Heroes and liked what they saw. We were so successful, people were taking chairs from the other game stations to sit in front of ours.
Well, the downside to my work at E3 was... I became the demo guy. The downside of being the demo guy is traveling.
I hate traveling.
Once I arrive at my destination, there's no problem. I'm just impatient by nature. I'm also 6'1" and hate sitting in supercramped airline seats.
So, today I got to fly up to 3DO with Peter Ryu (MM7 producer), Keith Francart (MM7 director), and Jeff Blatner (new Heroes producer) to give presentations on MM7 and Heroes III to our Ubi Soft partners and a smattering of European journalists.
As much as I hated getting up at 5:30am and traveling to San Francisco (less than one week after going gold), the trip was amusing for a number of reasons.
Since I have been at New World, Peter Ryu has always worn shorts and sandals. For the presentation, Pete was ordered to wear pants and shoes. Throughout the day, he was wincing as the shoes rubbed his feet raw.
The other amusing part was hanging out with the French chicks from Ubi Soft and the European press.
Last time I was at 3DO I did an H3 presentation to a number of European journalists. Not a French woman among them. It was different this time, and dare I say, worth the trip.
02/22/99
David Mullich (H3 director), George Ruof (H3 programmer), and I are the only members of the team in the building today. Everyone else is on vacation.
Over the weekend I began my self-rehabilitation for returning to the real world.
When you do nothing but work 12-14 hours a day, seven days a week, and then it all comes to an abrupt halt, you suddenly find you have all this spare time on your hands.
Ultimately, you become bored. You don't know what to do with yourself because your "normal" situation meant working on the game... but the game is finished. Normal has become different and no longer normal.
A logical assumption for curing this boredom would be a vacation. Not yet. I've got to write the design for the expansion disc. I've got two weeks before it is due. After hammering out the specs, everyone will be briefed, then I can go on vacation.
I've got it all planned out. I haven't seen my parents since Christmas of 1997. So, I'm going to go back home and sit in the rocking chair in front of my dad's big-screen TV and watch nothing but cable television for at least two weeks. You heard me. Nothing but CNN Headline News for two weeks. If by then I'm not properly vegetated, I'll watch it for another week. Then I'll track down my old high school girlfriend and see if she's still single.
I've set up an e-mail address for your feedback about the game when it hits the shelves. This e-mail is merely for player feedback and suggestions. I will be the one reading the e-mails, and most likely, I won't be answering any of them. So, don't flame me if I don't respond. [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]).
I've enjoyed writing these diaries. I wish I had been able to dedicate more time to them.
My apologies to Elliott Chin (who made these diaries possible). Elliott wanted me to talk about the design philosophy behind H3. After practicing design philosophy 12-14 hours a day, I couldn't bring myself to write a diary about it. So, I thought I'd do "a day in the life." I hope you enjoyed my tongue-in-cheek account.
I leave you with the following words I once heard the great Jon Van Caneghem speak, "When it's all over you'll forget how hard it was and do it all over again."
He's right. We will.

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/sirtwixalert in workingmoms. OOP gave me permission to repost.
trigger warnings: Brief mention of child death, suicide, and abuse, but not the subject of the post

mood spoilers: Wholesome

 
Today I find out if the past eleven years were worth it - March 13, 2023
I started medical school in 2012, with the MD class of 2016; I’ll graduate this May, eleven years later, with the MD/PhD class of 2023. Four of those years were expected - two preclinical and two clinical years for the MD. Five more were added for the PhD, completed between the preclinical and clinical years of medical school. Another was interspersed throughout the two clinical years of medical school when my husband moved to another state for a three-year fellowship and I stayed behind to solo parent our daughters during most of my clerkships, and the last was tacked on as a leave of absence when COVID shutdowns and interstate travel restrictions would have kept our family separated indefinitely.
I’ve been married for 9 of those years and a parent for 7. I had our first daughter just a few weeks after I passed my PhD qualifying exam and my husband started his intern year of residency; I had our second two years later, after I had switched labs and my husband had started his final year of residency; and I had our third three years later, after I had finished most of my third year clinical clerkships and my husband had finished his first year of fellowship and the whole world had set itself on fire.
I was the primary parent, and I was parenting alone most of the time. During my graduate years, I got the kids ready and handed them off for the day, worked in the lab 9-5, and then picked them up, played with them, fed them, bathed them, put them to bed, cleaned and prepped for the next day before writing or analyzing data or reading until I couldn’t stay awake anymore. I brought my first tiny academic wingman to my first conference and gave my first presentation with her snuggled on my chest. I wrote my 243-page dissertation and prepped slides for my defense late at night with a sick child on my shoulder. During the clinical years, I coordinated early morning care for the days I needed to leave the house at 4am and late evening care for the days I couldn’t leave the hospital in time for daycare pickup at 6pm. I saved my 2 annual personal days for Halloween and the annual daycare-wide performance of the Nutcracker. I studied for shelf exams and board exams on my phone in the dark, sandwiched between two children who didn’t sleep through the night until this year and another who still wakes up at least twice a night. Most days looked like this, and many still do.
During my rotations, I stood with another mom as her two year old died and listened to a thirteen year old share the experience of her suicide attempt for the first time and played peekaboo with a four year old while my attending looked for signs of abuse more subtle than her obvious bruises and fractures and realized that I wanted to work with children and their families. I made plans to apply to three specialties that would allow me to do so – psychiatry, pediatrics, and triple board, which combines pediatrics with adult and child/adolescent psychiatry – at the hospital where my husband works, the only location that would allow us to stay where we are now. It is unusual to apply to more than one specialty, and especially unusual to apply to only one location; for each of those specialties, students usually apply to an average of around 45 programs with the goal of interviewing with around 10 programs. But my daughters have been through enough, and I will not put them through another move. So I applied to three programs, interviewed at all three, and ranked all three. At 10am today I’ll find out whether I matched, and at noon on Friday I’ll find out which specialty I matched to.
I’m too tired to even know what I want. Whether I want to match or not. Which program I want to match to. If I match, I know that the next 3-5 years of my life are largely out of my control and I will lose time with my daughters; I’m particularly sad at the thought of losing that time during the last few years that my oldest is still excited to hang out with me. If I don’t match, I’m sitting on a quarter of a million in debt without a clear path to repayment and back to square one in the finding-a-fulfilling-career game, and the time already lost in my daughters’ early years will sting even more than it already does.
I was planning to process all of this alone today, but of course it’s a professional development day for our school system so my girls will be right here with me. They know that I’m nervous, they know that I’ll probably cry no matter what the email says, they know that I’ll be both happy and sad at the same time and they know that we’ll be ok. This morning I saw my oldest looking through our giant pile of Costco greeting cards and I heard her tell my middle that she chose the one that says GOOD JOB! because “no matter what happens, mama did a good job” and my middle solemnly declared that she would stop my youngest from spilling all the cups today because “that would probably be extra hard for mama today” while my youngest calmly poured her water on the cat in the other room. These kids. My heart.
 
UPDATE: Today I find out if the last eleven years were worth it - March 17, 2023
I matched to my top choice - psychiatry! It's bittersweet, as my 7-year old told me it would be, to close the door on pediatrics, and I think a part of me was hoping to fall down my rank list to triple board (which would have allowed me to do both), but this was the best outcome for my family and ultimately for me as well. In just a half-decade or so I'll be ready to practice independently, and I'm so excited to help kids and their families and learn all of the things I should have done differently with mine!
 
OOP also added additional updates to her original post:
Edit 1: I matched!!! My oldest read the email, all three ran around screaming, and then they went and pulled out the Costco card, the extra special other cards they made, and the bag of program (but not specialty) specific swag my husband had hidden for me. I assume he had a no-match bag hidden too, so now I’m on the hunt because that one probably has more candy.
Edit 2: thank you all for your thoughts and well-wishes! One of the hardest things about adding the PhD (and then two extra other years) is that I know very few people in my graduating class, and it has been lovely to share this day with a larger community!
 
Reminder - I am not the original poster. OOP is u/sirtwixalert, who deserves all the credit.

I´ve been thinking about posting this for a while now. Throwaway account for reasons you will come to understand quite clearly. It’s gonna be a long one so pls bear with me, this is the story (history) of one of the most painful parts of my life and I could really use some help. I’ve been thinking on going no contact with my mother (60) who I will refer to as M., for a really long time now. The communication with M. has been really seldom for maybe 8 years now and I haven’t confided in her with any problems or advice in over 15y. A little back story: I (35 F) grew up in a medium class family, private schools and university, etc. I mention this because I believe its one of the reasons making me feel guilty, as if granting food, clothes, a home and education had created “debt” I will always carry with my parents, mainly because my mother constantly made my sister and I aware of that. Dad worked long hours but he was my rock through my childhood and adolescence. He passed away, did it himself a couple years ago, but that’s a story for another post. So since I can remember my mother made me responsible of caring for my sister who is 5 years younger than me. The fact that my sister has a psychiatric condition made it a little harder i believe, thou she’s not disabled or anything (she’s one of my best friends now) it was extremely challenging to be around and/or control her as a kid/ teenager. Every time my sister would make her nervous she would call me and shout and demanded I come back or handle the situation being a kid myself.
She never made me feel accepted, understood or welcomed being myself. She just showed affection the way she likes to give/receive it, not caring that I never felt comfortable with it. She would shout she hatted me, that im stupid, that she never expected a daughter like me. All this in the “heat of the moment” while she was angry. She also physically abused us (hitting us with her hands mainly). She stopped this one day that I stood up and took her wrists in my hands, preventing her punches (I was finally taller and stronger than her). That night she was angry ‘cause I wasn’t talking and my face made her nervous while dinner. she through me out and I went to my dads. I was 13 y/o.
So, to more recent events: the ones that really took me to a breaking point where two: 1, My dad was in a ver bad car crash (they were divorced since 3 years by then and we had had a fallen out, he was depressive and an alcoholic his entire life but I still loved him with all my life), this was in 2015. I was living in this other city and my dad was in the ICU so I called her and told her I was gonna come to see him and that a coworker whom I was dating (not officially) at the time offered to take me there (4hs car ride). So she proceeded to shout during more than 2hrs over the phone, the most horrible things I ever heard in my life. Stating I was not welcomed in her house with my coworker cause he was my 3rd “boyfriend” “already “and that she didn’t see the point on me risking my life in the highway for a man who didn’t even care if I was dead or alive ‘cause he refused to talk to me, that man being my dad. All of the time I was bawling my eyes out. You know when you cry so hard you have trouble breathing? 2, about two years later my dad ended himself and since they were divorced my sister and I were the solely responsible for everything. I mean I even payed for the funeral and arrange it while being in another country (holidays) while looking for ways to get back. As I mentioned before, my dad was wealthy (yes, that does not save you from being miserable) so after some months I made up my mind to sell all his properties and means of income. But I needed my sister’s approval on everything. So M. Decided to do an “intervention” on me with my sister present (who just kept staring at the floor) and shouted, on Christmas Day btw, that I was being irresponsible, a little brat who had no idea about life and that I had always been pedantic and ungrateful. Just bc she was not ok with me selling his things. I have many more things to share, but I don’t wanna make this endless for you.
M. Loves to pick fights, argue and she goes completely crazy and violent if you so much as disagree. She hates her own mom (my only grandma whom I love) and would constantly monitor me if I was visiting her. She has complete disregard of one’s feelings or opinions. I have asked her to go to a psychologist countless times, each time receiving either screams or disregards as answer. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade now and my sister for more than 3 years.
Truth is the only reasons I haven’t follow through with NC are plain guilt and the fact that I come from a country where going NC is almost none existent. Family is never questioned. So this would be completely “unexpected”. Going low contact she can disguise, but NC no.
I am certain with the years she has come to acknowledge the distance my sister and I have taken from her, but she lives in a fantasy-like alternate reality where we all love and miss each others. My sister was always her golden child, so she didn’t really care about me distancing until sister did, to be honest. But now she’s old and alone and she’s not doing well (mentally, physically she’s excellent). And all I can think of is, why do I still pick up the phone when she calls? It’s not out of love to be completely honest, it’s guilt. Guilt bc she believed she made her best, guilt bc she’s not a sane person and guilt bc if I cut contact, I’m afraid she will not really understand the motives.
If you’ve come this far, THANK YOU. Any response will be much appreciated.

I´ve been thinking about posting this for a while now. Throwaway account for reasons you will come to understand quite clearly. It’s gonna be a long one so pls bear with me, this is the story (history) of one of the most painful parts of my life and I could really use some help. I’ve been thinking on going no contact with my mother (60) who I will refer to as M., for a really long time now. The communication with M. has been really seldom for maybe 8 years now and I haven’t confided in her with any problems or advice in over 15y. A little back story: I (35 F) grew up in a medium class family, private schools and university, etc. I mention this because I believe its one of the reasons making me feel guilty, as if granting food, clothes, a home and education had created “debt” I will always carry with my parents, mainly because my mother constantly made my sister and I aware of that. Dad worked long hours but he was my rock through my childhood and adolescence. He passed away, did it himself a couple years ago, but that’s a story for another post. So since I can remember my mother made me responsible of caring for my sister who is 5 years younger than me. The fact that my sister has a psychiatric condition made it a little harder i believe, thou she’s not disabled or anything (she’s one of my best friends now) it was extremely challenging to be around and/or control her as a kid/ teenager. Every time my sister would make her nervous she would call me and shout and demanded I come back or handle the situation being a kid myself.
She never made me feel accepted, understood or welcomed being myself. She just showed affection the way she likes to give/receive it, not caring that I never felt comfortable with it. She would shout she hatted me, that im stupid, that she never expected a daughter like me. All this in the “heat of the moment” while she was angry. She also physically abused us (hitting us with her hands mainly). She stopped this one day that I stood up and took her wrists in my hands, preventing her punches (I was finally taller and stronger than her). That night she was angry ‘cause I wasn’t talking and my face made her nervous while dinner. she through me out and I went to my dads. I was 13 y/o.
So, to more recent events: the ones that really took me to a breaking point where two: 1, My dad was in a ver bad car crash (they were divorced since 3 years by then and we had had a fallen out, he was depressive and an alcoholic his entire life but I still loved him with all my life), this was in 2015. I was living in this other city and my dad was in the ICU so I called her and told her I was gonna come to see him and that a coworker whom I was dating (not officially) at the time offered to take me there (4hs car ride). So she proceeded to shout during more than 2hrs over the phone, the most horrible things I ever heard in my life. Stating I was not welcomed in her house with my coworker cause he was my 3rd “boyfriend” “already “and that she didn’t see the point on me risking my life in the highway for a man who didn’t even care if I was dead or alive ‘cause he refused to talk to me, that man being my dad. All of the time I was bawling my eyes out. You know when you cry so hard you have trouble breathing? 2, about two years later my dad ended himself and since they were divorced my sister and I were the solely responsible for everything. I mean I even payed for the funeral and arrange it while being in another country (holidays) while looking for ways to get back. As I mentioned before, my dad was wealthy (yes, that does not save you from being miserable) so after some months I made up my mind to sell all his properties and means of income. But I needed my sister’s approval on everything. So M. Decided to do an “intervention” on me with my sister present (who just kept staring at the floor) and shouted, on Christmas Day btw, that I was being irresponsible, a little brat who had no idea about life and that I had always been pedantic and ungrateful. Just bc she was not ok with me selling his things. I have many more things to share, but I don’t wanna make this endless for you.
M. Loves to pick fights, argue and she goes completely crazy and violent if you so much as disagree. She hates her own mom (my only grandma whom I love) and would constantly monitor me if I was visiting her. She has complete disregard of one’s feelings or opinions. I have asked her to go to a psychologist countless times, each time receiving either screams or disregards as answer. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade now and my sister for more than 3 years.
Truth is the only reasons I haven’t follow through with NC are plain guilt and the fact that I come from a country where going NC is almost none existent. Family is never questioned. So this would be completely “unexpected”. Going low contact she can disguise, but NC no.
I am certain with the years she has come to acknowledge the distance my sister and I have taken from her, but she lives in a fantasy-like alternate reality where we all love and miss each others. My sister was always her golden child, so she didn’t really care about me distancing until sister did, to be honest. But now she’s old and alone and she’s not doing well (mentally, physically she’s excellent). And all I can think of is, why do I still pick up the phone when she calls? It’s not out of love to be completely honest, it’s guilt. Guilt bc she believed she made her best, guilt bc she’s not a sane person and guilt bc if I cut contact, I’m afraid she will not really understand the motives.
If you’ve come this far, THANK YOU. Any response will be much appreciated.

In the article “Is ‘Maladaptive Daydreaming’ a Mental Disorder?” the author Jonathan D. Raskin, serves as chairman of the department of Psychology at State university of New York at New Paltz. When brought up the subject of "maladaptive daydreaming" he said
"This proposed new disorder epitomizes the 'DSM-ing' of everyday life, in which any upsetting or problematic experience is readily assimilated into the lexicon of mental disorder. Surely there are people who daydream more than they would like, and some of them might even encounter relational or work difficulties as a result. However, this is true for lots of things. Many of us work long days and don’t exercise sufficiently. Do we have 'work-focused lack of exercise disorder'? Others of us stream television shows more than we’d like. Are we suffering from 'Netflix preoccupation disorder'? How about those of us who don’t eat as balanced a diet as we should and find ourselves with less energy to accomplish goals? Are we afflicted with 'dietary self-sabotage disorder'? The list of prospective mental maladies is endless."
I understand his reasoning, as we don't want everyday matters to be labeled as a disorder. However, when you have people who spend 4+ hours in their room, pacing while being so engrossed in their head that they neglect important matters. It's just appalling to see a psychologist say "Surely there are people who daydream more than they would like"... Before I knew it was a thing, there were times I had to choose after waking up if I wanted to feed myself or daydream and I would always pick the latter. Neglecting hygiene, relationships, school work, and myself. it's a pit where you fall and you must learn how to adapt or overcome it.
In spite of all this, Raskin points out a helpful tip I've been seeing more often in this subreddit. “What we resist persists. Listening to intrusive daydreams might be key to reducing their influence.”. Finding the main theme of our daydreams and pursuing it could help bring satisfaction to reality. Instead of latching on to short-lived fantasy. (but that's easier said than done, right?)
Lastly... Having MD in the DSM-6 would inform professionals of the needed information about MD. Having heard of people's concerns being brushed off. It could remove the possibility of clinical professionals shutting you down because they never heard of MD. (Which could also be a symptom of a more serious mental illness.) Would be a stress reliever.
Sidenote: I would revise, and go more into depth about how the DSM had diagnosis that we're once symptoms. As well Definitely rewrite it, but I wanted to have a layout of what I would write about. Sorry for not going into more detail.