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2009.12.18 06:16 nightlifex The Cincinnati Bengals
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2023.06.04 21:42 BluesGotMeGlued Ch 9 is where I left off on the story
So I came back and started playing ch 18 and man I was so confused! I just finished 18-5 and I was mind blown! The story has gotten so good, some parts had me tearing up!
Snipey the goat šš„²(can we get it as a cub please!?)
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2023.06.04 21:40 Adventurous-Ear9433 Sumerian &Egyptian Origins of Humanity:Enki(Ea),the Garden or Ea's-Den, Uruks List of Kings & Apkallu(Sages), scientific verification of sacred waters
"show that the human form of the FOXP2 gene increases synaptic plasticity and dendrite connectivity in the basal ganglia. These results partly explain the enhanced capability of cortico-basal ganglia circuits in the human brain that regulate critical aspects of language, cognition, and motor control."
Foxp2 Language Evolution Cell FOXP2gene -(
https://www.cell.com/current-biology/fulltext/S0960-9822(16)31081-8?_returnURL=https%3A%2F%2Flinkinghub.elsevier.com%2Fretrieve%2Fpii%2FS0960982216310818%3Fshowall%3Dtrue)
Enk(Ea)i- twin Serpent , the creator of mankind was the Genius-Scientist who tries twice to create a civilized man, until Ninmah tells him that they must add their likeness. Thus creating the perfect Man. It is when he put speech in their mouths that Enlil is enraged claiming they make too much noise,as you'll see this was the 1st cataclysm.Enki is the protector and teacher of mankind. He is essentially a god of civilization, and it was natural that he was also looked upon as the creator of man, and of the world in general.
Enki Teachings SacredTexts After his involvement with the original genetic experiment, his compassion for the plight of the Homo sapien (Man the Wise) his role shifted his role from genetic engineer to that of a freedom fighter. Because of the Romans(Enlils offspring) ancient text were edited, altered ,the Garden of Eden describes Enki & Ninti creating humanity at Eaās headquarters. The House of the God of Water,Wisdom, fertility, known as the Great Serpent, the Garden was his 'den'. Naturally, humanity Would be born in Ea-Den. You will see from the text cited here, that it was Enki who created & then immediately fell in love with his creation. He earned & embraced the nickname of "Trickster', because being the wisest he tricked the other "Authorities"(Elohim- or Council of Rulers) for humanityās sake.
"The bodies of Adam and Eve were overlaid with a horny skin that was as bright as daylight, like a luminescent garment".
In Ancient India this is also the description given of the Serpent people, benefactors & genetic engineers of humanity. (Bioluminescent i.e. they spontaneously emit light due to a chemical reaction in their body. This would explain the so-called ājewels of the Nagaā that illuminates the netherworld. Bioluminescence is found in many deep sea fishes and other marine organisms like jellyfish, algae, bacteria etc., who emit light from their bodies that make the seas glow and glitter. This occurs due to the presence of a light-emitting molecule called luciferin, which produces light when it reacts with oxygen. Many organisms also produce the catalyst luciferase,
In both Sumer & the Jewish text we see the key role of the woman, who did nothing wrong, quite the contrary it is she who breathes the soul or psyche into man. Bit Shimti - "House where the wind of life is breathed in" - Ninmah is the proud mother the "essence" of the blood of a young Anunnaki male was mixed with the egg of a female hominid. The fertilized egg was then inserted into the womb of a female Anunnaki. When, after a tense waiting period, a "Model Man" was born, Ninmah held the newborn baby up and shouted: "I have created! My hands have made it!"[
Enki boasted, āA Civilized man I have brought forth. A new kind of Earthling from my seed has been created, in my image and after my likeness. From seed they from food will grow, from ewes sheep they will shepherd. For Gods, and offspring henceforth shall be satiated.ā
In Genesis, it is understood that the Serpent speaks,and was of equal footing wth "God". We saw in the Nag Hammadi, and other ancient texts from around the world. He was also most notable, because he stood on 2 feet like man, and was even taller. The Sumerian term Annun-Aki meant 'tall ones', the height of the Serpent was equal to that of a camel. Chap 3 of Genesis the argument is given that man can't be one of US. He must not be allowed to eat from the tree & live forever". Even here you see they're brothers.
"Enki, the Lord of abundance, of trustworthy commands, The Lord of wisdom, who understands the land, The leader of the gods, Endowed with wisdom, the Lord of Eridu"...
It has always been Enli, the archons who aim to "destroy mankind in his psychological function". Later, it's Enlil who tries to force the other Authorities to keep the secret from mankind.
"Come, all of us, and take an oath regarding the killing Flood!" But as all the others took the oath, Enki resisted firmly. "I refuse. Why will you bind me with an oath?" he asked, "Am I to raise my hand against my own humans?" Meanwhile, our father Enki understands the importance of love and kindness to the raising of consciousness, he acts with kindness in defending humanity and dealing with all the life on the planet.
Ninmah The Ninhursag , an mother of humanity is shown with humanity at her breast.The priesthood of Sumer & Egypt were Dolichocephalic, like mother. the Serpent Cults today still maintains the pure bloodlines that were mandated after the deluge.)
She was the goddess of the stony, rocky ground, the hursag. The H symbol, i described at all the sacred "navel' sites, especially Gƶbekli Tepe, Puma Punku, has the same meaning. The serpent always represents spiritual wisdom, life and healing. The first symbols of serpents were attributed to Enki or NU.DIM.MUD (Nudimmud), "He Who Fashions Thing and then Ninhursag.("Whose House Is Water") .
Nag hammadi-Origin of our World The text describes Ninti 'let fall a droplet of light, it flowed onto the water, and immediately a human being appeared, being androgynous. That droplet she molded first as a female body. Afterwards, using the body she molded it in the likeness of the mother, which had appeared. This was Eve of Life namely, the female instructor of life. Her offspring is the creature that is lord. Afterwards, the authorities called it "Beast", so that it might lead astray their modelled creatures. (The interpretation of "the beast" is "the instructor". For it was found to be the wisest of all beings.)"
"
Then each of them cast his sperm into the midst of the navel of the earth fashioned man with his body resembling their body.His modelling took place by parts, one at a time. And their leader fashioned the brain and the nervous system. Afterwards, he appeared as prior to him. He became a soul-endowed man"
"when the Authorities (Yahweh) had saw Adam/Eve transgressed their rule it came upon them an earthquake and a great threat, to see the result of the help that was give. Their eyes were blinded by him so they were not able to do anything to him. They merely cursed him, since they were powerless. And everything that they created they cursed. There is no blessing from them. Good cannot come from evil."
"Since that day the authorities knew that truly there was something stronger than they. They would not have known except that their commandment was broken. They brought a great envy into the world only because of the immortal human."
Enki possessed the secret of me, 'culture, civilization', which is the genius of progress in knowledge to lead humanity. He invented civilization for the people and assigned to each his destiny. He created order in the cosmos. He filled the rivers with fish. He invented the plough and the yoke so that farmers could till the earth with oxen. In the most recent thread you see each ruler from Egypt to Pharoah carries the plough, the Serpent Priest would assist the Pharoah who was in charge of a successful harvest. "Master Servant " was the Pharoah
"Enki made the grain grow. He is the father of all plants.ā Of course he wanted his children to eat from the Tree of knowledge, With the Tree of Knowledge humans had the chance to figure out everything on their own in time, to be as equal or better than him, as any parent wants for there child. . Had they eaten only from the Tree of Life, they would live but not have been more the wiser.
Why should acquiring knowledge be a sin?" (the original sin) and comparing it to modern day observations ought to wake you up to the fact that you live within societal system that was engineered by the members of "God" to empower themselves while keeping those who live within it ignorant The sacred waters of knowledge had a double meaning, it represents both the creationof the human body(mostly water) & it is talking about the water carried by the Sages in places like La Mana, Ecuador. This water has amazing healing properties, it is apart of ritual today in the Llanganates for visiting initiates. Indigenous elders working with the scientific community have had fascinating results.
Electrum Water Hiv nanoparticles Silver "he interaction of nanoparticles with biomolecules and microorganisms is an expanding field of research. Wis. In this work, we demonstrate that silver nanoparticles undergo a size-dependent interaction with HIV-1, with nanoparticles exclusively in the range of 1-10nm attached to the virus"
The Dogon call our Master Teachers, The Monitors, Nummo also meanw 'to make one drink'(water of wisdom). The Hebrews termed these Watchers as nun reshāayin, meaning āthose who watch.ā In the Greek this is translated as gigantes or giants, a race that even the 907 B.C. writer Hesiod featured as being monstrous (due to their serpentine aspect no doubt). Now we can understand the role of the giants 2 seen across the world of ancient script in respect to the presence of the Watchers.
The Apkallu, these priest of Enki i wrote about in the last thread, the genetic, archaeologicalevidence has shown R1b-V88 & R1b-M269 were associated with agriculture, cattle domestication, metal working, language, geopolymer construction, everywhere a Pyramid or Navel was Built the Mende/Yoruba & the Austro-Melanesian
Pacific Islander Ghost Hominids dna dna is found. The Aunu/Anu people migrated across the globe.
Göbekli Tepe The human ummânū is attested in the Uruk List of Kings and Sages, while other references to bird-apkallū are legion
The purÄdu-fish apkallÅ« is principally attested in Berossus.These seven were each advisers for seven different kings and therefore result in two different lists, one of kings and one of apkallu. Neither the sages nor the kings in these lists were genealogically related however. Apkallu and human beings were presumably capable of conjugal relationships since after the flood, the myth states that four apkallu appeared. These were part human and part Apkallu, and included Nungalpirriggaldim, Pirriggalnungal, Pirriggalabsu, and Lu-nana who were only two-thirds ApkalluKundalini is the spiritual energy or life force present in every human being, located at the base of the spine.
They were believed to have apotropaic qualities, guarding the home from evil.
Sages FigurinesThe three types of apkallÅ« are portrayed, with the human ummĆ¢nÅ« at far left, the Nisroc bird-apkallÅ« type in the middle, and the antediluvian purÄdu-fish type at far right.
3 Apkallu Remember that it was the woman who was Pharoah, her consort became king. Egypt, like most of the most sophisticated ancient civilizations were ruled by women. Ninhursags the Goddess of the stony, rocky ground that masons use to spiritually ascend higher, the H at Gƶbekli Tepe & Puma Punku represents mother. 'As above(ninmah), So below(Enki)'. The underworld was never a negative place before the Romans. The Pyramid, the Great house was the Woman's house. Sumerian text speak of the foundation being the stone & the water just as the Pyramid text of Saqqara. The Sumerian E.KUR - "House Which is Like a Mountain." Pyramid was put under the patronage of Ninharsag.in hymns shes recognized as mistress of the "House With a Pointed Peak" - a pyramid. CoffinText 313:Horus says "I created my Eye in flame, I made my Eye a living serpent". Remember, the serpent he saw was bipedal, always. As Robert Monroe reported in the Gateway Experiments.
"House bright and dark of Heaven and Earth, for the rocketships put together; E.KUR, House of the Gods with pointed peak; For Heaven-to-Earth it is greatly equipped. House whose interior glows with a reddish Light of Heaven, a beam of energy of creation which reaches far and wide; Its awesomeness touches the flesh. Awesome ziggurat, lofty mountain of mountains - Thy creation is great and lofty, men cannot understand it"
'House of Equipment, lofty house of Eternity: Its foundation are stones [which reach] the water; Its great circumference is set in the clay. House whose parts are skilfully woven together; House, the rightness of whose howling The Great-Ones-Who-See-and-Orbit brings down the rest . . . Mountain by which Utu ascends. [House] whose deep insides men cannot penetrate . . . Anu has magnified it.
In the Testament of Amram 2 men who resembling Living Serpents were seen fighting over him in his dream-vision. Even in ancient Text later we see "battles of the Gods', but in the very beginning We see the genius, Enki described as a kind, amicable child ONLY gets aggressive when his brother comes to harm his creation. Most importantly, Enlil & his realized he was powerless when Humanity had Enki by their side. So, his campaign was to disconnect us from that knowledge starting with the Bible & the Inquisition, they killed,raped, burned all of the knowledge that had allowed mankind to thrive.. then stashes the rest away, keeping it from the people.
Dagon Catholicism -In Egypt Ptah as Ea/Enki (Sumer he's also a cthonic diety "The Artful Creator") and Ra as his Firstborn son.
After Anu, Enlil, Enki and Ninmah had fashioned the black-headed people, Vegetation that is fruitful they multiplied in the land... In the Edin they placed them..
The descendants of Ham ("He Who is Hot" and also "The Dark-Hued One").... correspond to the African nation-lands of Nubia, Ethiopia, Egypt, and Lybia as the core nations of African resettlement, again beginning with the topographically higher areas..They were the Dogon, Hopis ancestors.. The ancient Chinese or Bak tribesmen which dominate China today called the Elamites KASHTI. Moreover, in the Bible the Book of Jeremiah (xlxx,35), we read "bow of Elam". It is interesting to note that both Khaltam-ti and Kashti as the name for Elam, agrees with Ta-Seti, the ancient name for Nubia located in the Meroitic Sudan.
Sumerians Had Dolichocephalic skulls Genetic Evidence for convergent evolution SE AsianElamites-Mandig](
http://olmec98.net/ElamPersians.png) Semitic speakers of Akkad and the non-Semitic speakers of Sumer were both sag-gig-ga or "blackheads".Elamite language, is closely related to the African languages including Egyptian and the Dravidian languages of India.
Alchemy as Taught by Children of Enki Antediluvian Kings of Sumer were known as Kings of Kush".the major Kushite tribe in Central Asia was called Kushana. The Kushan of China were styled Ta Yueh-ti or "the Great Lunar Race". Along the Salt Swamp, there was a state called Ku-Shih of Tibet. The city of K-san, was situated in the direction of Kushan, which was located in the Western part of the Gansu Province of China.
Here we find the divine decrees presented by Enki to Inanna are those referring to lordship, godship, the exalted and enduring crown, the throne of kingship, the exalted scepter, the exalted shrine, shepherdship, kingship, the numerous priestly offices, truth, descent into the nether world and ascent from it, the music From the tree in the Mesopotamian depiction hang two pieces of fruit. To the right of the tree is the half-moon symbol of Ea; to the left is the planet symbol of Anu.
Lastly the pineal gland(pine cone). In India it is a stick of bamboo with seven knots⦠which represents the spinal column with its seven centers or chakras⦠It also indicated the spinal cordā¦while the serpents were symbolical of the two channels called in Eastern terminology Ida and Pinagala; and the fire enclosed within it was the serpent-fire which in Sanskrit is called kundalini." Even the natural behaviors of the pine cone have an esoteric meaning:
"as it ripens, the pine cone slowly opens to release its mature seeds."
This process is symbolic of the expansion of consciousness that accompanies the opening of the pineal gland and the awakening of the Third Eye. The metaphor is a valuable and stimulating mental lesson of an esoteric phenomenon that cannot otherwise be seen or explained since it occurs inside the brain..
The One sure way, and what's been happening wthin the last century especially is to keep knowledge away from the human race. If we as a collective are so ingrained in our beliefs, how can we ever be open to new ideas pertaining to the nature of reality?
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2023.06.04 21:40 Top_Cartoonist676 Silvergate Bank Prepares To Self-Liquidate Following Fed Approval
2023.06.04 21:40 AutoModerator [Download Course] Dan Khan ā Income Hero Academy 2023 (Genkicourses.site)
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2023.06.04 21:40 vurbbbb Is this website legit for tools? Iām eyeing a decent price for a Makita tool I need.
2023.06.04 21:39 vurbbbb Is this website legit for tools? Iām eyeing a decent price for a Makita tool I need.
2023.06.04 21:39 Abject-Staff-4384 Honda civic 2011 brake fluid
Sudden low brake fluid sensor. I broke super hard before this for a dumb driver, and then suddenly the sensor came on and my brakes feel very loose, they always worked very well
I know people canāt say for sure, but am I most likely looking at a major problem like a leak or bad brakes pads?
If I put brake fluid in it, would you say I could drive it to the mechanic if the brakes feel good? Or ultra dangerous and may go out any moment
Made it home after 10 minutes of driving, very nerve wracking as I felt like I had to brake 5x earlier, pedal feels way ālooserā and I had to push much farther than usual
It is also a very hot day, like 90, and I had been doordashing for a few hours before this heavy brake then low fluid warning Iām describing.
Is there any chance it will be back to normal in the morning? If I turn on my car, and the low brake fluid indicator is gone, would you say Iām good to go? If the brakes feel āfirmā again? Or thatās just wishful thinking and wonāt happen
I read online itās a closed system and shouldnāt happen unless problem.
Just looking for general advice. Iām broke and was doordashing until I start a new job in a few weeks. Horrible timing and donāt really know what I will do
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2023.06.04 21:38 Conscious-View-714 Myriad
| Has anybody else used myriad? My ob office just switched to myriad. I gave them my blood wednesday at 11:30 they say it takes 24-48 hours to receive your sample. They STILL have not received my sample. Iāve googled &ā everyone has said when they receive it theyāll updated it even on weekends. Has anybody dealt with this before because Iām getting extremely irritable. Idc about the results because it said 7-10 days &ā obviously hasnāt been that long I just wanna know why on gods green earth they have not received my sample!? submitted by Conscious-View-714 to pregnancyproblems [link] [comments] |
2023.06.04 21:38 fashion_cactus 7 days into my diet I got assaulted by a stranger for being fat
TW: Bullying & stranger aggression
Hi. It's my first post here, this thing just happened and reddit notification just suggested me this thread. For the background story, I was always kind of chubby, then 10 years ago lost 20 kgs due to depression and stress, then slowly regained it 6 years after and after pandemic things got out of control and due to sedentary work, moving back and forth across 3 countries and planning a wedding I found myself 6kgs into "obese" category. I finally made the decision to go on a diet, and I've picked quite strict one but I was making sure I don't go below 1000 kcal to avoid binging. I've lost 4 kgs just this week.
The diet was going actually pretty good, i cut out sweets and salty snacks which was super hard but i did it!
Today I was up all day long, cleaning and carrying heavy bags and boxes before yet another move, and I had way too little food by the time I was free to grab something at 7pm. I decided I'm going to go and grab chicken burger (570kcal) from mcdonalds and small green ice tea and nothing else, I bought it and went to a park to eat it. I was minding my own business but the lady on the bench next to me started making loud comments about how dare I eat mcdonalds if I'm this fat, and im a fat pig etc, that she's going to push me into the pond for speaking back to her. So I started recording and she kept going for like 3-4 minutes, until she got up and hit me in the head, upset that i didnt stop recording, telling me I won't win with her if I go to police because she is mentally ill and I can't do anything to her.
I was holding myself together during the event but it was just so humiliating that i can't stop crying thinking about it. I never had reaction like this in my life and I dont know how to deal with it. Part of me wants to go straight to binging and the other just want make myself starve to never let this happen again. Have you ever bounced back from something like this? What would you do?
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2023.06.04 21:37 PM_ME_ABOUT_LOVE [H] Marvel Legends/DC/TMNT/Wrestling (20% Off Sale) [W] PayPal
20% off anything for next two days! Prices aren't shipped. Everything comes with what you see. I tried to mention what thought was missing. Some prices negotiable, feel free to ask!
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2023.06.04 21:37 Few-Guitar-2632 Lots FS/FS. Shipping included in price Sale#1
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2023.06.04 21:36 Then-Summer9589 anxiety/addicition/malaise and thrown in the "deep end"
this past time has been a major life slap in the face, pushed into a job that was (at least i find out after i step off the plane) generally fucked up, under staffed, under qualified. im having to learn this role, while learning the specifics of the job, while trying to fix things that need to be changed, while being pulled in multiple directions. however it goes, i usually need to be able to prepare. granted my view of risk is different from others, i actually prefer to at least plan ahead. its all fucked up and ive gone through roller coaster of, should i quit job, quit life...im having to make decisions in real time that mean thousands of dollars expense and theres like no preparation beyond, oh well. "we need you to go here and, btw, Im out." its clear to me that i dont fit here. ive really never been manager material anyhow, im the guy in the background combing the details and QA the process to see what we missed, whatnwe're ignoring but is really stupid to ignore. i dont have the poker face, or steady voice, or agrressiveness to be the guy in front especially when i dont even have a copy of the contract to see what we are agreed to.
ive spoken to a friend and my partner and they both agree, even without knowing the detail that this is a fucked up situation to be dropped in. i know now my number 1 priority is looking out for myself and getting out of this company, ive done the 'sacrifice' thing, for the sake of the job. let major life choices go undone while also falling into addiction to cope with the stress of being in this company. i shouldve left when it was easier, i let lots of new job opening go by because "i was needed" and "do work no one else does[in the team]" no more deferring my own needs.
But, i meed.to be able to cope with daily life of seeing 100 people needing me to operate successfully, while im in this job. my confidence is shattered, my mental health is..i dont know. i try to squeeze things into the night, i usually sleep just a couple hours...i know i shouldnt drink but i do...mostly because i dont want to feel the anxiety that will come or i think will come. between drinking and maybe even covid, my memory isnt what it used to be....also stress, like i get hit with a big queation and i dont remember things, it's shock or something. i dont have good bullshitting skills, or formulating non-committing answers. my turn in the barrel is almost over but until then what can i do to think, woth 10 problems and i choose one, but then in a internal meeting there like...no no, you should be doing this other thing. ive basically said we need at least 3 people for this job but no one believes me. i guess my relative position and people view of me as being the background person is another reason i cant stay anymore. cant improve if everyone above you thinks your "too nervous" cant influence processes, i mean, last time we had a mess of a job i wanted to spend at least half a day to fix our plans and processes before the next one and..nope, thats not the "real work", it got deferred and im not super aggressive, nor did i think i had to be within my own department. oh well, this place won't change and i dont even want to try anymore and make it change.
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2023.06.04 21:36 RestlessDreamer32 Spent the last 10+ years of my life being a truly horrible person. If I can change, I'd like to think others can too.
If any of this is breaking rule 7, I apologize. If this is also too long, I apologize.
Growing up on the spectrum, social norms were not something that came easily to me. My emotions came and went in extremes, and it became easy to obsess on things. Being autistic was never an excuse for how horrid I was. I always felt second place to my older sister who out-shined me in every way, so it led me to treating my mother and step-father poorly. They did often blame me for things I never did, and it didn't help, but didn't excuse how I reacted. Looking back, they were trying so hard for me, but I was an ungrateful little prick. Just about every major blow-up in our house stemmed from me. I never even tried to be better. Even if I never would excel in academics, I could have strived to be a good son at the very least. I never wanted to clean up after myself, and groaned at the idea of having to learn to do my own laundry. All I cared about was sitting in my room playing video games. I never willingly helped to clean up the house or help them unless it would benefit me. The value of money was greatly distorted to me, and I'd think 10 minutes of doing the dishes would equal out to earning $20 from my parents who were already barely middle class raising 2 kids. I'd feel stolen from if I wouldn't get what I wanted and I constantly felt like I was being wronged. I had to make myself the victim in every way and refused to accept responsibility for anything. My friends at school straight up thought my parents were abusive for years because of how I would talk about them. One Christmas, my Mom saved up money she probably didn't have to get me a new laptop after mine had broken. When I saw that it was a budget laptop that "couldn't play the games I wanted it to", I threw a massive fit and told her I didn't want it. She told me she was going to just return it and since I was still out a computer, this wasn't good enough for me. Again, I was apparently a victim of abuse having my "hard earned Christmas" torn away from me by a greedy and hateful mother. I tried to run away from home. The laptop did everything I needed it to, but it looked "basic" and I didn't want my class-mates thinking I was poor, when in my city, most kids were.
I had this weird irrational fear of other people thinking I was poor and to this day I have no idea where it came from. Mom packs me a hand-made lunch rather than giving me an expensive Lunchable? I'd throw the entire thing out and not eat because I thought it would somehow make me look less poor. It was so bad that when I'd order a meal from McDonald's, I'd specify I wanted each item rung in individually and didn't want a meal deal. To me, meal deals were for "poor people who couldn't afford to get the items individually", even though all it did was make me look stupid and bad with money. Even when I finally got a job, I was bad with money. If I got an item on sale, I felt like crap because "sales are for poor people". If I had money, I'd spend it all down to the last penny, meaning I'd often have to beg my barely middle class mother for money. I'd spend hundreds of dollars on anime box sets and video games, but would leave myself no money for food. They never bothered to teach me financial literacy, but even if I they did, I already know I wouldn't have listened. I was only able to pay off all my bad debts and become good with finances a mere few years ago by realizing how badly I needed to change that before moving out of my parents house at the age of 27.
Going back to graduation, things really started to become bad. After my first love cheated on me after high school (together for nearly 3 years, met near the end of graduation) and proceeded to toy with my heart for half a year, something in me completely snapped. Considering what a loser and AH I was to my family, I can't say I blame her for losing attraction. I got revenge by publicly branding her as the worst kind of harlot imaginable and wanted to do everything I could to ruin her image. I had been cheated on, so I "knew how it felt" and would "never cheat". I became self righteous in this mindset, which is incredibly ironic considering how I went on to become. Becoming easily obsessed with things meant that when addiction took hold, it was incredibly difficult to break. I had met an absolutely amazing woman a couple years later and she treated me like gold. Literal wife material. Incredibly attractive. So what did I do? The first time a woman who wasn't her tried to flirt with me and get in my pants, I cheated on her. Apparently at this point in my life, I had become quite "attractive", because an odd amount of women started to come to me. Even ones who knew I was in a relationship already. I didn't turn a single one of them down. I even started to seek other women out on my own. I became hooked on the validation and let it control my life. I had no care for the safety of myself or my actual girlfriend who had no idea of all the women I was having sex with. All unprotected mind you. Eventually she found out and got mad at me for the years of betrayal and lying I had done, and even when I was clearly caught in the wrong, I didn't own up to being in the wrong. I didn't even try to apologize. I tried to gaslight her into making her think it was all her fault. Thankfully it didn't work and she knew that she was wronged.
I had become a textbook narcissist. I checked off just about every box. I was obsessed with my looks and put myself above anyone else.
I "didn't need her" though, with all the women coming my way. I let sex completely take over my mind and my life. There wasn't a single moment I wasn't thinking about it. I'd take expensive cabs at 2AM or later just to go hook up with someone I'd only been talking to for an hour or less. Older women went for me a lot, and I'd be in my early 20s having women in their late 40s or 50's sleeping with me. I'd bail on plans with friends, family, and would even show up late for work because I'd be too busy hooking up with anyone willing. As horrible as I was, consent was always the most important factor for me and I made sure no one was ever pressured or felt pursued if they weren't interested. This means I just hooked up with people who were easy like I was, and there was a lot of them. Several a week and sometimes multiple a day. I had met another absolutely amazing woman who was wife material and dated her for a bit over 2 years, and I absolutely cheated on her for the majority of the relationship. I shattered her heart, and she has every right under the sun to hate my guts. After several years of this behavior, I finally realized and admitted to myself that I had an addiction. None of this made me happy. In fact, I was absolutely miserable. It put an even larger wedge between my family and I, and my friends were incredibly disappointed in me. The worst that ever happened to me were two instances where I was raped by someone I had long stopped consenting with. First held a knife to me and the second beat me until I stopped saying no. I'm sure for all the damage I'd done, I deserved it. I only ever got the clap a handful of times (stopped having sex until it was cleared each time). I surprisingly ended up not getting anyone pregnant (in a city full of single mothers who chase for child support, I would know if I did). By the end of it, I'd had sex with somewhere between 150-200 different women. I stopped remembering names, faces, and mentally blocked a lot of it out. All I had was a number tally, which became less clear as more were added. I had to stop. Cold turkey.
I was beyond disgusted with myself, as I should have been. From that point on, my relationship with sex was incredibly rocky. I could no longer perform as I once did and ended up with erectile disfunction. I had finally come out of the closet as bisexual as well, because despite being a sex addict, I never let it extend to men, even though I was attracted to them. Men never pursued me either, so I never had that temptation. I wasn't completely put off of sex, and still had it when I did manage to date, but it no longer dictated how I lived my life and spent my days. Instead of sex, I let myself fall into another extreme. When people became so divided over world events, I let myself fall into the worst side of things and became a horribly bigoted and xenophobic person. I had mental mental gymnastics to justify my beliefs and met other people who shared them. I was a "free thinker" with no original views and all I did was further hurt and disappoint old friends I had. I'd post, comment, and share tons of hateful garbage to social media. People had every right to be offended. Lord knows the life I'd led prior gave me absolutely no room to judge anyone else, but I did.
I had tried to end my life on multiple occasions, but am glad I didn't.
This way of thinking was something I was able to free myself of 7 months ago. What sparked the change? This final change? I have no idea. I was sitting in front of my computer watching hateful content to further cement and validate my beliefs, and I just felt sick. I thought to myself "What the **** have I been doing with my life? What is all of this?" At that exact moment, I started to remove every negative presence I'd put out to the world. I had deleted every single comment, share, post, like, etc that I'd ever put on social media across all platforms. This actually took me around 2 weeks of clicking to accomplish. Until my activity logs on all socials were completely empty. My entire YouTube history was now cleared and my algorithm had been reset. I turned off anything and everything relating to the news or world events because all those topics did was make me unhappy. Then I announced on FB and Instagram the revelation I'd come to. An entire life of self awareness hitting me at once. I didn't sugarcoat anything to make myself look better. I was not a victim. I was no longer trying to hide who I was. I made a blanket apology to everyone who cared about me who I'd hurt and disappointed, making it known I'd make individual ones later. I added anyone who wanted to keep in contact on my hiatus to Discord, and then deleted those FB and Insta accounts entirely. I unplugged from the world of social media for 2 months. You'd think I'd need more time, but I didn't. I guess the one perk of being autistic was being able to focus heavily on one specific thing. I was able to do a life's worth of thinking and personal change during this time. When I came back, I reached out to everyone I could think of that I'd wronged or not presented my best self to, apart from a few people I knew that I had no right to ever present myself to. People who are far better in their lives not thinking about my existence. I apologized and let it be known that I was not asking for or expecting forgiveness, as I have no right to it. I let them know what I was doing to be better in my life and wished them well. To my surprise, it was an overwhelmingly positive response. People actually forgave me and were happy to see me doing better. I can never truly make up for how I had spent my life before, but all I can do is spend each day being someone people can be glad to know.
I wasn't "finally getting back to being me". There was no previous version of "me" that I ever wanted to return to. For the first time in my life since birth, I was blank slate. I held no hatred or contempt for anything or anyone, besides myself. I accepted any and all blame, and didn't try to justify anything with excuses or justifications. I was able to dictate the reasons and pinpoint where I'd gone wrong in my life and fully understand why things happened as they did. Importantly, I finally started going to therapy and seeking help. Not because I fear I'll ever return back to my old self, but because I know I permanently damaged my mind and am plagued with regret.
I'm finally letting myself return to old hobbies that brought me joy, but no longer need validation to enjoy them. I'm finally playing my massive backlog of video games, hanging out with friends uninterrupted, watching movies, re-discovering my love of photography and art. I am also going to start painting, even though all I use to do was draw.
I feel that if I can become better, I hope it gives hope to others to try to be as well.
**TLDR**: There isn't really a TLDR for such a thing. If you don't want to read it, I fully understand.
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2023.06.04 21:36 CaptPawPaw Tadalafil (Cialis) experience with daily dosage vs larger āWeekend Warriorā dosage?
Iām 72, 10 weeks post RALP, I have been blessed with a great recovery from surgery, undetectable PSA at 6 weeks, minor incontinence, unfortunately I have full on ED. Urologist prescribed 5 mg Tadalafil/Cialis, 1 to 4 tablets as needed. What are your experiences with taking 1 or 2 tabs per day vs taking 4 tabs a couple hours prior anticipated activity? Which is more effective and less prone to side effects? Does effectiveness improve with time?
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2023.06.04 21:36 Anonymous_Agent_Q Fishing with kids
Fun day at the lake today. Took my 12yo and 3 yo fishing today. Lake was super crowded and my 12yo was boad after 10 min. So i spent the afternoon teaching my 3yo how to cast. This attracted the attention of 3 other kids ages ranging from 5 - 8. We had lines in the water and they were pulling in fish left and right. I spent the day baiting hooks, recasting and taking fish off the line. All 4 kids caught their 1st fish today. Parents were super excited. I didnt catch a single one lol. But its about the memories sometime right?
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2023.06.04 21:35 Few_Cup_3794 [Travel Advice] What to do for 10 days?
Hi all,
I just got to Oaxaca city and I love this place. I have to be back in Mexico City by June 15. Any ideas of places I can visit in the mean time. I am thinking of being in Oaxaca city for a few days. And then go to Puerto Escondido/Mazunte till I can fly back to CDMX. However, I am also open to exploring another town, then go to PE. Any suggestions?
Thanks! PS: Any idea how internet is down in PE/Mazunte?
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2023.06.04 21:35 AutoModerator [Download Course] Sam Ovens ā Consulting Accelerator (Genkicourses.site)
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2023.06.04 21:35 sunshinemedicine how to do kick counts?
Iām only 22/23 weeks, so I know that I shouldnāt technically count kicks yet, but Iām just trying to determine if baby has a pattern yet. I have days where heās super active and I feel him mostly all day & then I still have days (like yesterday) where I only feel him doing the ā10ā kicks every 3 hours or so. some days heās definitely kicking at least 10x every 1 or even 2 hours. other days heās kicking 10x every 3-4 hours and it drives me crazy with panic even though Iām sure itās normal, right? I guess my question is, when I hit that 28 week mark, do you do kick counts just once day? online it says a healthy baby should kick at least 10 times every 2 hours so am I supposed to be conscious of his activity at all times of the day? this is my first pregnancy so I have no idea what Iām doing.
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2023.06.04 21:34 PM_ME_ABOUT_LOVE [H] Marvel Legends (20% Off Sale) [W] PayPal
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2023.06.04 21:34 vesperes Best way to try out architecture in NYC?
I'm currently a senior UX product designer based in NYC with 10 years of experience. I've worked in a variety of in-house companies and tech industries but I've been contemplating a career change for awhile and architecture/interior design is one of them! However I'd love to learn more first before making a jump.
What is the best way to see what it is like? Is it possible to visit firms - if so how and who would I contact? Also how can I try architecture before fully committing? Do architecture firms hire UX designers? Or could I intern at a firm - I assume I'd need to learn AutoCAD & Revit before interning. Are there other skills I would need?
If anyone is interested, I would also love to meet up with architects in NYC to chat about the day to day. I'm happy to return the favor and share my experieince in UX as well.
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2023.06.04 21:34 MammothTension Am I too easy to break under stress for thinking to quit a job so easily.
I just joined a new company this February and going to start my fifth month there. Currently I'm still under probation because the company's probation period is 6 months instead of 3. Weirdly enough, I'm already thinking whether I should resign because I find that the task assigned are never ending.
The company I joined is a Singapore company based in Malaysia. When I interview for their IT helpdesk I didn't thought the demand for IT knowledge is so high as they are just a palm oil company. From my perspective, the company's IT department is quite professional which can be compare with normal software houses. The IT department consist of 4 teams, one to deal with documents, one to do the coding, one to maintain the infrastructure (such as maintain database and granting permission) and one to deal with hardware.
Myself dropped under the document department and my jobscope mainly consists of 3 types. There's helpdesk ticket which most of the time are minor issues and only have a time period of 24 hours (if you close the ticket longer than that, you'll have to state your reason for complete it so late). There's request, which the user will raise a thing we call request and state their purpose in it (adding new columns in a report, adding a new field in a system, creating a new custom program). And than there's project, where it counts as our KPI and will affect our bonus. The users that we dealt with are all internal staff which means staff from the same company but different department. My team currently consist of a manager, 2 teamlead, 2 senior and 2 junior (excluding me). But by the end of this month the number will reduce as 1 of the teamlead and 1 of the senior has already resign.
First, let's talk about the ticket, due to only have a shelf life of 24 hours, naturally this is the most urgent but that's not the case for most of the time. If the issue is something I dealt before, of course I can solve it in an instance. But as this is real life, most of the time the issues are something I haven't dealt with before. Therefore, I have to do testing in the test environment to simulate the issue and identify the solution. Sometimes, you can simulate it easily, but sometimes it took me days and I still couldn't figure out what causes the problem. That's why, most of the time, the 24 hour limitation is absolutely not enough for us to solve the issue as there's too many matter delay the deadline. It can be after you inform the user of the solution and ask them to test it out, but they don't reply you at all. It can be you took too long to identify the solution. It can be you need to cooperate with other team and they just don't have the time or just don't want to help you.
For solving a ticket there's a few scenario. 1st scenario: the document team solve the issue successfully and inform the user of the solution where they don't need anyone's help. 2nd scenario: it is due to lack of permission and need the infrastructure team's help to setup or grant permission to the user. 3rd scenario: it is a program bug and need the help of the coding team to solve the issue and need the infrastructure team to put the solution into the live server.
Besides the 1st scenario, you need the help of others and most of the time they are not keen to help. If they are in a good mood, they would help you solve it right away. Else, they'll throw the ball around like asking you to wait for approval or asking you to seek the help of others. All this while, the user will keep haunting you asking when their issue can be solve.
Next, we'll talk about the request, the request give you more time to solve but also much more complicated. The reason we are call document team is because when doing request, we have to communicate with user to understand what they want and prepare the documents respectively. Same as solving ticket, your document might get throwing like a ball around for most of the time. It's normal to see that after you done your document and submit to the coder for technical review, they'll just put there for a few days and reject/approve it right before Monday morning's weekly meeting. By doing so, during the meeting briefing, they'll just update that they already past the documents back to us and throw the ball back to us.
Besides that, as I mentioned earlier, my team currently consist of 2 teamlead one male and one female. Strangely enough, the female teamlead's jobscope is same as us, solving ticket and request. While the male teamlead, don't know who gave him that kind power, only assign tasks to others and nearly didn't handle everything at all. This is also something my senior like to gossip about, being sarcastic saying that the guy is handicap and his hands have broken so he can only assign job to others but won't handle some himself. For recent case, the female teamlead has resign, and for the handover, my manager ask him and another one of my senior to learn things from her. While she's teaching, that guy keep asking my senior to pay attention, even though is teaching his part. My senior already mentally prepare that after the handover he will just give all his task to my senior and won't handle it himself just like what he normally does. During the meeting, when we talk about that some system no one knows but him and he is the expert, he'll be saying some irresponsible things like: "I'm not pro at all", "If I did it wrongly don't blame me", "abc is better than me, you guys should ask him/her". The reason that I say his answer is irresponsible is because in the past, if we said we don't know he'll scold us very hard and tell us that don't know is not an option and we must learn. But then he answer he don't know all the time.
Since my manager and him not handling any task actively, this make the remaining of us to handle those request. By the time this month end, there only been four of us left and the manpower is really shorthanded. From what I heard from my manager, the request are assign in a round robin manner. Currently the main problem that we are facing is there's too many request and all of them are urgent. Each of us handling at least 10 request currently and nearly 9/10 of the requests are urgent. I found that the so called urgent request normally falled into 3 groups. Number one, it's really urgent and need to do it fast. Number two, it's urgent no matter the issue is urgent or not because it was raised by some VVIP (such as CEO, Senior Manager, CFO, COO...). Number three, it's urgent because the user sent out an email stating it urgent and demand to do it immediately. Most of the time, the request that are urgent falls under number two and three, yet our higher management just choose to appeal those people and ask us to hand it faster. Project is something similar to request just that it affect our bonus more. Request is helping people solve their issue and project is mainly create something new to show the management that we are also innovative.
This causes an issue as we have tickets that we need to solve under 24 hours, and then we have more than 10 request with nearly 90% of it stated as urgent. The higher management of the department not only won't help us by rejecting some insignificant request but constantly scolding or gaslighting us during the daily meeting.
It is a normal scenery in our meeting when my manager ask why the ticket is so many and nobody solving it, when we reply we are busy with the request she would say please remember that the ticket need to be solved in 24 hours. Then during next meeting, when we update that there's no progress on the request due to busy solving the tickets. She would said those are urgent please solve it quickly.
I've asked my manager this question, so as my senior asked her before: "Which is more important and which should we solved first? Is it the tickets, the requests or the project?" Unsurprisingly, she also don't know what to answer. In the end, I remember she replying: "Make sure you know what is the priority." WTF, how the fuck should I know which is prioritize when even you guys also don't know which is more important. No matter which we handle, we always get blame that the other isn't done.
As the new guy in my team, I found that I was forced to learn all the system. This might sound normal to you as all the staff should familiar with all systems in order to support the users. But the truth is, I found that my teammate that are also young in the company (working 1 year or less) having the same issue as me. But for senior teammates, they know only some but not all of the system. I was told that in the past, all staff only support their own company, this mean that Singapore staff only support Singapore and Malaysia staff only support Malaysia. This mean that some of the system only use in Singapore and some only in Malaysia. But now, the company changes their policy and everyone supports each other. This force the new join staff to learn system from both sides as the senior staff don't want to learn new things. Most of my seniors criticize that now they have to support other subsidiary. Because from my site, the number of user raising request is very low compare to other site due to good control. Therefore it felt like a bit unfair and felt like we constantly have to help other site wipe their ass due to they accept all the request without controlling.
In the end, my current working attitude already changed. Since it's impossible to settle the ticket in 24 hours, I just ignore the deadline. Since all request is urgent, then nothing is urgent. I just do it in my own pace. When get scolded just let it flew by my ears and don't let it affect my emotion. When the day is done, just go home after all the job can never be done. These are my protocol currently but I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold to it too long.
I'm thinking of whether I should hand in my resignation letter since my probation haven't end yet and my notice period is only 2 weeks. If I become a permanent staff, my notice period will become 2 months. It might be I was affected by others. During April, one of the colleague has left, right before getting the bonus. Then, from what I know, there's a total of 5 staff going to leave the IT department during June, with a notice period of 2 months, this mean they hand in their resignation letter right after they got their bonus. Staff that left the company ranging from those who worked for more than 10 years to those that worked for around 2 years. I asked my seniors that worked here more than 10 years that is it normal to having 6 staff leaving? They told me this is their first time seeing so many people resigning and the year still half to go. Maybe by the end of the year, the number already raise to 10.
So, what do you think. Is it that I plan to hand in the resignation letter so easily proof that I can't deal with stress?
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MammothTension to
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