Hard rock broadway at the beach

It has been 2 months of NC and today i was at a cafe with friends and the cafe is close to his house. I couldnt stop thinking about the possibility of him showing up. I wonder, if i invited him would he come? I didnt do it but being in his neighbourhood left me feeling so sad. I just want to forget but i want him to come back too. I know he is no good and i wouldnt communicate with him again but the idea of him not wanting me in his life is so hard to process. Idk what to do i want it all to change i want him to get back to me and tell me that he missed me. Why? Why dont i ever cross his mind?

I have not told anyone this but for the past 3 months I’ve been going to massage parlors and getting happy endings. I am just addicted to them and even though it can be considered a waste of money it is just very addicting.
I’d consider my self an adrenaline junkie and for me going in to a place and getting teased and waiting for the moment to happen is the most adrenaline I’ve experienced. It’s just the best when your laying down naked and they graze by your private areas and your don’t know if it was intentional or not and when you flip over them seeing you fully hard and then they go at it.

Apparently we are not supposed to talk about Walden here at all.
But I am going to so here we go,
I liked Walden Schmidt
I have seen the whole show more than 5 times, so I have experience and not a first time watcher.
I know barely few will agree to this, but Walden was a good different for the show, a good change from Charlie. He was nothing like Charlie in the beginning and remained a pretty decent person throughout.
So, to start with
I really like this show considering I have seen it plenty of times I must of course like it.
The first couple of seasons are great, the show is witty, snarky and the plot is pretty good with great characters. But as the show goes on it becomes a test of how many sex jokes can one crack an episode without it being too vulgar for prime-time television which isn't all bad then either. Eventually the show just revolves on its heels with reoccurring themes and Charlie failing to throw Alan out and Alan being a huge loser compared to his sex, alcohol addled older brother who was comparatively not a loser.
Both were losers.
Now the characters, the show starts off with a newly separated on the verge of divorce Alan, at just the beginning of his loser stage. At this point he's endearing, sweet, actually nice and cherry on top Evelyn seems to actually like him at this stage too. We see Charlie a womanizing man you know what, drinking and partying to his hearts content and yet this isn't his worst still. We see Charlie potentially change his life at least during the weekends on the behest of his brother as to not corrupt his 10-year-old baby faced still very likeable even lovable Jake. Now, Season 1 is great even Judith isn't so bitchy yet, Evelyn and Berta are unmatched throughout. The things start to tip for Alan around S1EP21 when his divorce leaves him practically broke with no materialistic things to his name except clothes and maybe a few trinkets Judith didn't consider important, now as we know Charlie sleeps with his lawyer causing this to happen and I think this is where Alan starts to resent Charlie a lot more than he probably did before moving in since we've seen they practically had no contact before.
Now as the series progress, we see Alan getting whinier, cheaper, jealous asshole who is becoming more and more resentful of Charlie. Alan is our main loser so he can never be anything, but a loser has been the philosophy of two and a half men. Meanwhile, we see Charlie drinking more and more but at the same time actually pursuing relationships which is kind of a growth for the womanizing alcoholic we see throughout, the show punishes him in the form of the other characters pushing him towards Rose, the same way they punish Alan by pushing him towards becoming bitter by always treating him like a second-class citizen, more rag than human.
For one the arc goes uphill but for the other downhill.
Now, I have always thought the story's main lead was always Alan - The Loser not Charlie Harper -Womanizer Extraordinaire, because let's face it without Alan continuing to be a loser he would have no need to stay at Charlie's making Two and a Half Men moot, the title says it all, it is Two and a Half Men we require Two Men and a sort of child to be in the frame or in the story at all times; which would not happen if Alan moved out cause as much as Charlie likes Jake we know he wouldn't go seeking Jake if they weren't in his house all the time making him seek their company hence Two and a Half Men.
So Charlie Sheen being gone didn't bother me as much as it seems to bother most since the comments are always the show was about Charlie, so how will it gone on without him?
Now we come to Walden, who is our Half Man this time around. Walden starts off as a man child unable to be without his wife of 15 years because that's all he has ever known since high school preventing the growth one has when one meets new people. From the get-go he likes Alan because he was kind and nice to him, as time goes on we see him crack the same moving out jokes Charlie did about Alan being cheap, poor and mooching off him and he has every right to those jokes since he owes Alan nothing since at least in Charlie's case he felt obliged for family (in s8 he has too vehemently trying to get Alan out).
Walden grows into a mature proper functioning man with let's face it somewhat of Alan's help. Walden treats Alan like an actual human being, almost like an equal even going as far as to tell him verbaly " Oh, it's just, when I think about the rest of my life, you're the one constant. And I know I joke a lot about you moving out, but the only thing worse than you staying is you leaving.". He actually came to care about Alan and find companionship and a friendship with him which was a nice change to the constant Alan slander.
In the end Walden is a better person than Charlie, somewhat of a mixture between Charlie and Alan actually. He is also a person who treated Alan the way he should've been and was probably Alan's only friend. He made Alan human again and capped the show in a great way for me. It was a refreshing change from the middle seasons where most jokes don't land, and the writers are trying so hard to keep Alan a loser, Charlie a womanizer and Jake a fart machine.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. No one is going to read this anyway but just needed to get it out there because no one on this sub talks about it which is strange because never on reddit have I not seen both points of view of a subject being discussed but here where it seems everyone wants to push everyone to share the same viewpoint despite the few comments I have seen who agree with me.

I've been thinking about doing this for a while now, because even thought I love her, I honestly don't feel like I get anything worth out of this relationship the way it's going. It's really hard to get emotionally connected with my girlfriend, despite seeing her for over a year. There's been times when I've really needed her, but she hasn't been there for me. And every time I've tried to have some kind of serious heart to heart with her (that hasn't been about sex), she is almost completely unresponsive and sometimes gets quite agitated and defensive, or just locks herself in if that makes sense. Last time I tried to talk about how I was feeling about our relationship, she sort of "hinted" at suicide, saying that she was scared about me leaving her because the last time someone she loved left her, she said she felt like jumping off a roof.
So I honestly don't know what to do at this point, I want to have a good relationship with her, because I do genuinely love her, but it's hard to be with a person when they aren't letting me in, not even after all the time we've spent together. So today I was thinking I could just send her a break up message and then stop responding to her messages or block her, but I'm not sure if that's the right way to go about it either. I don't want her to be hurt so I'm really unsure of what to do.
How should I go about ending a relationship like this?

At about 5 months on T I started thinning around the temples. My doctor put me on duasteride + minoxidil but I've heard that taking duasteride or finasteride can slow down body hair growth + bottom growth and that's why usually only people who've been on T for a few years start it.
If i start duasteride now will my full potential for bottom growth / body hair growth be reduced?
(For refrence, I'm 20, on 40mg of testosterone cypionate, and my most recent blood test said my T level is ~450. My hair has turned thin from being on lithium but i stopped that about 3 months before starting T (although i think lithium caused permanent damage to my hair because it never returned to it's original thickness). The thinning isn't visible unless my hair is brushed/tied back hard but it really is a lot thinner than what I used to have.)

I'm exploring the possibility of having bp2.
My sleep is pretty much always fucked and, if I were to be bipolar, it would seem that i sleep worse/less in my depressive periods than my hypo periods. I honestly dont think i can say ive ever completely lost a need for sleep, i always feel it after a few days. Ive been tracking my sleep on FitBit since December and generally i sleep like 4-5 hours a night. But sometimes this goes down to 1-3 and after about 4 days or a week of that i tend to crash for a day or 2 and feel more unstable and depressed. I do abuse caffeine and weed tho, however my reactions to these seem to vary greatly
There have been 3 instances in my life where my appetite magically decreases and dieting becomes easier, i drop weight without meaning to, but most of the time i am totally preoccupied with food even when i am "up."
I definitely have pressured speech but its hard to say whether that's exclusive to me being "up" or not.
What i can definitely say tho is that there are times when my mindset, goals, and self perception are elevated. I become ambitious, motivated, confident, focused, even obsessive. I stop hating myself, feel spiritually significant, begin to feel worthy of the lofty goals and ambitions i set for myself. It becomes easier to do what I need to do to get where i want to get, and i do want, and i do try. But then it just goes away and im back to feeling worthless and undeserving, lose motivation and focus, my visions for my lift shift from expansive, positive, optimistic, and creative to fantasies of self destruction and suicide. Most recent experience of this was becoming extremely Christian, obsess about God and the Bible, intensely and emotionally spiritual, not want to talk to anyone about anything other than that and definitelyhaving pressured speech about it and also getting irritable/emotional at people disagreeing with me, nonstop consuming really intense Christian online content that i currently cant even stomach, buying a bunch of Christian clothing brand stuff and things like a purity ring (l. O. Fucking. L!) and redirecting my life vision to being "a faithful servant of God" and imagining myself becoming the voice of the generation bringing people to Jesus lol. I remember suddenly "feeling really good" but i wasnt sleeping any less and i wasnt necessarily working like a machine or anything. Then one day it just snapped and I went back to my self destructive habits (bulimia, weed, alcohol, sex) and started hating myself again and feeling undeserving of anything good, at first i had this mental feeling of demons pulling me down that i definitely made up, but then eventually i just felt empty and spiritually void and like none of it was ever even real. Thats honestly whats made me realize im weird and unstable af even tho that is deffinitely not even the worst its been in my life. Honestly its hard to imagine ever feeling so hopeful and confident again especially now that im starting to see that these moments could just be a result of a mental disorder. -_- then again, maybe ive just been young and dumb and those are normal parts of getting older? Idk nobody sees anything wrong but people have no idea how painful it is to be unable to trust myself and realize that i will always go back to depression that gets worse every time.
Tl;dr dae primarily experience mania as an uplifted mindset and spiritual essence vs any concrete symptoms of reduced sleep/appetite?

I have it in my bedroom where I also have my tv and a little side table for my snacks, water, pump parts and nipple shields, comfy blanket. I use this chair hours a day to feed my baby and/or pump. I bought it brand new on Facebook marketplace. Highly recommend. We also have a rocking chair and my husband uses that but I’ve hardly used it. Power recliner is the way!!!

I live really close to a nice beach! I have two friends from college in this area just for the summer, so I was thinking of inviting them and a couple Bumble BFF girlies to a beach hangout. One downside though is that since I’m new to the area and only have walked there, I’m not sure how the parking works.
I’m curious, what do y’all think? Would you go? It’s a free public beach at a lake, usually pretty clean and there’s always people biking around.

My Nparents are hardly parents at all. I have never experienced unconditional love to my knowledge, and I am deeply traumatized by my upbringing, as well as the things I did to cope. I have come to the conclusion that if I ever want to have any peace, I need to get out on my own. The problem is, though, that I'm in grad school straight out of undergrad in large part thanks to my parents pressuring, so I've never had a "real job" and live paycheck-to-paycheck. They vehemently do not want me to get a loan for whatever reason, and I'm really nervous that it won't work out... but I also can't do this anymore. The only thing standing between me and offing myself right now is laziness. If I had a gun; I would've done something way sooner than now.
I'm trying to craft a plan on how to figure out my finances so that I can stop relying on my mom to pay my rent because if I went NC she'd definitely let me be homeless. I live in a small, Northeasterm city with a surprisingly high cost of living. I managed to get a full scholarship for school, so luckily I don't to pay back any loans for my master's degree. The problem is, though, that even then I'm not making enough for all of my necessary expenses (money, food, medication, etc). I've tried to get on foodstamps, but I haven't been able to get them even though I was able to get them in another state because the WIC website is broken. I should also mention that I'm in art school, so I still need money for materials too.
Does anybody have any advice or has been in my situation?

I wanna start out by saying that I am a very emotional person. I cry at a lot of stuff, happy or sad. I know that's not a bad thing, but I need to keep this under wraps a little more because something happened tonight, that made me realise it's not always a good time to cry.
My fiancé, who has recently qualified to become a police officer (UK), called me up in tears. It's been a tough shift so far. He's had a woman screaming in his face for the last 4 hours. Spitting, attempting to bite, just being completely volatile. He managed to step away for 2 minutes and called me "just so he could hear my voice". I started out so strong, but towards the end of the call, I couldn't speak because I was just so distraught hearing him so upset and how hard this is for him. I managed to say that I love him and that he's strong and he can do this... but I fear I may have made him feel worse.
Then I felt bad that he might feel like it's his fault for making me upset by calling me. But I'm the first person I want him to call when he feels like this. I don't want to jeopardise that by making him think I'm gonna do nothing but cry, if and when he does.
How do I keep it together when I hear him suffering? Would really appreciate some friendly advice, because I need to be someone he can lean on to keep him up in times like this. If I crumble with him, what good am I?

I’m 18+ and all characters and participants must be 18+
Even backstage, the roaring sound of the audience is almost deafening. With the shouting and jeering, it's hard not to feel the adrenaline pumping through my body while i await the fate of the contestant ahead of you. Collectively, they start counting down the clock, the dramatic music rising in intensity as they approach the end of the clock. In a dramatic twist, however, the clock stops, the crowd starting to boo and jeer loudly, clearly disappointed. She failed. A production assistant walks up to me, adding a bit of final make-up. She smiles, almost reassuringly. "You're up after the break. Just relax, don't let the audience intimidate you, just do your best."
As the crowd settles down, the commercial break currently airing, i see the previous contestant walk down the corridor. She's naked, her face and body covered in cum, shivering, make-up running down her cheeks. I met her briefly in the green room, earlier. Ashley, 21 years old, running the gauntlet to pay off her student debt. She had a pretty face, long straight copper hair brushing her shoulders, wider hips and a bigger rack than you imagined when the two of you shook hands earlier. Now, you see she avoids you entirely, still sobbing, while she's ushered away to another room. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but seeing her in that state made you even more nervous. With a deep sigh, i look up at the countdown clock, while the assistant counts down with it.
3,2,1. Go.
Down the catwalk i go, lights flashing in my face, while i hear the "Next Contestant!" announcement ring through the studio. A busty woman in a suit is standing center stage, inviting me to stand next to her, while the audience claps politely upon my entry. The music ends, the lights focused on me and the presenter of this wicked show. She smiles, before turning to camera 4. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Gauntlet. Ashley didn't make the cut, but don't worry, we've got a fresh contestant lined up for you." She turns towards me. points towards camera 3. "Please, tell the audience who you are and why you're running the Gauntlet today?"
---
Thanks for reading this far! Reality TV is taking on a new frontier, with girls doing depraved things for money. It might be an attempt to pay off their student debt, save up to purchase a house or just responding to a deep rooted desire to be used. Running the gauntlet seems easy; it can be quite lighthearted and quirky if you want, or dark if that's what you prefer. The idea of the gauntlet is that my character will be pushed to her limits.
Kinks: cum, cum eating, cum food, cum play,bukkake,cream pie,bdsm, bondage, forced, body writing, spanking, cuddling, degradation, rough partners, sizeplay, dominant partners, toys, multiple partners, spit roasting, mating press, full Nelson,frenching,rimming,body oil,bestiality,water sports,wax play,sex machines,being filmed,cosplay,NTR,petplay,exhibitionism,biting and pretty much anything that isn’t my limits
Limits:
Scat,gore,vore,hyper sizes,necro and vomit
If that's of interest to you, please get in touch at Demondork on Kik and come with any questions you have, clarifications you need and ideas you'd like to share. Just please do more than just tell me you're interested. Don't worry about responding slowly/late, I still want to hear from you. Finally, please no chat requests, I will simply ignore them.

I love the idea of teaching a girl all the right ways to turn on a man. We can go slow, then ramp up. We can do oral training. We can do roleplay. You want it rough and hard? Smooth and romantic? I am pretty open. Condoms are a must or proof of BC, not looking to have any kids.This should be obvious, but 18+ ONLY, no exceptions.
I am also open to just chatting online, but my ideal match would be someone local we can eventually meet up. PLEASE have better conversations skills than a potato. If you are going to send 1 word replies do not bother.
My ideal set up would be us chatting a little bit, then moving over to some type of video chat. Then set up a IRL meeting to feel each other out and get comfortable at Starbucks, where we can discuss G-Rated or X-Rated things. Then we can go back to my place(Yes I can host) shower up, then get down to business
My top kinks are cum worship, DD/LG, face- fucking, rimming, and face slapping/choking. I will not do any "break-in" scenarios without some type of face to face meeting first, not looking to get set-up/robbed/go to prison. I also require safe words, that way we can both get off pushing right up to the border, but wont go over it. I want to rape own and abuse your holes and body ONLY if it is consensual and turns you on.
Pluses but not requirements are : Petite body- A/b/c cups. Small butt. Innocent girl next girl type or church camp type. Mixed race.+
Here is a more detailed kink list:
https://i.imgur.com/rz7TB3F.png

Honestly it was the boost I really needed lately. I'd gotten my hair cut the day before, in the style I was saving up for, was super excited to go.
I don't necessarily present as androgynous as I'd like to yet; slowly working on saving money to change my name, swap out wardrobe stuff and other things like that but I've got pretty limited income. I'm not exactly hiding that I'm nonbinary anymore but I'd love to be able to present a lot more androgynously than I really manage to currently.
At the parade I had on a pin that says "they/them" in black font on a rainbow background that I was wearing and was wearing a shirt I made for last year's pride festival/parade, it isn't nonbinary themed but it's rainbow/pride colors. Had my binder on. Had on some baggy jeans. For context. So it wasn't SUPER obvious that I was nonbinary but I was having a good time even just getting to go as it's hard for me to necessarily get a ride up to the closest parade.
Was standing at the edge of the parade with my service dog, who had his tail dyed and as we live in a relatively small area, it's not shocking a few people recognized us. Had one person walking IN the parade point to me and say to someone they were walking with, "I know that person". Instead of saying "I know her" like a lot of people in my area do still.
Also while we were waiting out a short rainstorm in a little art studio up the block I had someone else notice the sticker in my phone case (it's a bouquet of flowers that's in nonbinary colors and says "you are enough") and hand me a pin from the festival this year with the nonbinary flag on it.
Even just those two experiences of being gendered and identified correctly without the person having to ask made me feel SEEN. Made me feel so happy. I rarely get that in my town. Not one time throughout the entire day was I misgendered. Which has NEVER happened before to me.

Does anyone have this same issue? It’s driving me nuts. I’m considering making an appt at the dealership. I modify settings for various things and randomly they reset back to factory.
Example, I changed the cruise control setting from “Intelligent” to “Adaptive” because the truck using outdated map data to read speed limits and randomly drop me (and by drop I mean hard braking on the highway) from 115 km/h to 80km/h because a construction zone existed LAST summer is both dangerous and annoying.
Other examples include the cluster placement, “My View” ordering. I could go on.
Is this normal or do I have a lemon
Thanks!

This is a borderline relationship issue for me because the heart of this issue is that my mom and I just do not see eye to eye on literally anything. But please read on, I need some help.
My mom is in her late 50s. She lives alone in a city where she doesn’t know anyone and is 1.5 hours from her nearest family member (me). She was a non-traditional student, graduated at 35, and has made a successful career for herself. She makes 6-figures in a LCOL area. And she’s terrible with personal finance. She lives paycheck to paycheck, pays minimum balances in credit cards, buys brand new cars every 2 years, has moved 20+ times in my life, and has very little retirement savings.
She is hellbent on retiring as soon as social security kicks in. She will then be living off SSA and a small amount from her 401k. Based on what she’s told me, she will be “comfortable” but I don’t expect her to have any money for hobbies, travel, etc.
She’s capable of working well through her 60s. Her work can be done remotely. She has several highly sought after certifications. She is healthy. I believe she should keep working, at least part time, for her mental health and physical well-being.
Does anyone have any suggestions or resources for how to talk to her about this? Or am I way off base here? Hard truths are welcome.

DRAG RACE!
Chronologica struts the runway wearing a cosplay of Twilight Sparkle, from my little pony.
Neigh!
Welcome to Drag Race.
Pot O’Pyrite, welcome back to the show!
“Pleasure to be back.” Pyrite grins.
Rachelle, Floss, what festival would YOU host?
“Ballroom, baby.”
“KAKITIKA KITI KA KA, OW!!!” Floss chants.
Rachelle blinks.
For our Challenge, our racers were tasked with curating their own festivals.
And on the runway, they’ll be wearing Carnival Couture looks.
It’s TIME!
~
Category is… Carnival Couture.
Dressed as the circus tent itself, Aguacate steps out in a full length, red and white striped gown. She herself is the ringleader, with a cane, top hat, and thin black mustache. At the end of the runway, she opens up her tent and invites everyone to come inside her circus!
She’s wide open.
Zazu Nova arrives in a fitted bodysuit adorned with fluffy cotton candy-like trim in a pastel pink shade, with a plunging neckline and cutouts on the sides and back. To complement the cotton candy theme, a wig made of fluffy curly pastel pink hair, decorated with cotton candy-like ornaments, sparkling glitter, and glossy lips, complete the look with a smiling Zazu.
“I’m hungry.” Floss laughs.
Yasmin struts out in a preppy white cricket player’s uniform, with white trousers, a shirt, and a knit jumper, and swings a cricket bat enthusiastically. As she finishes her swing, white Carnival feathers swoop out dramatically into wide decorative plumage, presenting the perfect combo of cricket and carnival, representative of Guyana’s Mashramani Festival.
“Ooooh….” Pyrite gasps.
In a huge plumed look in green, with a massive headdress and glistening jewels all over her body, Granny Gorgeous is ready for the festival, baby! She sambas and dances as she twirls through the stage, serving Brazilian Carnival.
“Dance, bitch!” Floss cheers.
Referencing the Italian Commedia dell'arte movement, Fiore Stravaganza enters with a face mask and a jester look, in a satin style with huge puffy sleeves. She takes off her mask to reveal a painted clown face with a smile.
“Oh, I love a Commedia dell'arte reference.” Pyrite smirks.
Jaslene Bangus has become a big top! She is a big red striped big top tent, wearing a gorgeous little mini dress that twirls along with her as she walks through the stage, with fluffy red hair and a smile upon her face.
Brittany’s back?
Showcasing a look for the Mombasa Carnival, King Omari Star wears a look of bright yellows, orange and greens, with a huge headpiece like a bird, and a bare chest that is covered in various chains. He’s got a massive cape that flows as he walks, and a huge smile.
“Cape King.” Rachelle moans.
~
Hi Racers.
This week, nobody is safe.
Starting with… Aguacate and Granny.
The two grin.
You were a chaotic duo.
“Me?” Aguacate gasps. “Chaotic?!”
And I loved it. It was fun, it was entertaining- you delivered here, and I really was happy with it.
“I had such a fun time with this.” Granny smiles. “It was a pleasure.”
Great job, the both of you.
The two grin.
Fiore and Jaslene.
The two look at each other and smile.
“I feel like this was off.” Pyrite purses his lips. “For me, it was just a crappy concept.”
Fiore sighs, visibly displeased.
“I feel as if you were just- not doing enough. Your festival, for me- it wasn’t FUN. I needed fun.” Pyrite responds.
“I do- I did enjoy this.” Jaslene smiles. “And I really enjoyed our concept, and I did think I was having fun but I get the critiques.”
Fiore Stravaganza: “I wasn’t, but werk.”
Fiore shrugs.
Next up, Crayola and Yasmin.
The two look at Chronologica.
“For me…” Floss smiles. “You two really shined tonight.”
“Woo!” Yasmin cheers. “Fantabulous.”
Floss beams. “For me, you were here, you were delivering, you had fun- the two of you, and I was most interested in your festival.”
“Thank you.” Yasmin tears up.
“You have a natural charisma- Yasmin. And this week, you embraced what we needed, Crayola. I’m proud of you both.”
Finally, Omari and Zazu.
Omari stands tall, whilst Zazu smiles.
“I think the reality is you seem… off kilter.” Rachelle says. “And yes, it was a team challenge, but the reality was Omari- you were the weaker link.”
Omari looks frustrated, as the others look at him.
…
Fiore.
Jaslene.
Aguacate.
Granny.
You are… Safe. You may untuck in the platinum lounge.
The four look surprised.
Omari, Zazu, Crayola & Yasmin. Please stand on stage for further critique.
~
Fiore, Jaslene, Granny and Aguacate enter the werkroom.
“Safety!” Aguacate chuckles, grabbing her drink.
Fiore grabs a cocktail. “Yay.”
The four sit down.
“This was interesting.” Granny says.
Aguacate takes a sip of her drink and nods. "Definitely interesting. I didn't expect Omari and Zazu to end up in the bottom. They're usually strong competitors. I mean, Omari is. Zazu is pretty, though." Aguacate giggles.
Fiore rolls her eyes. "Pretty ugly maybe. Well, I'm not surprised. Omari has been struggling lately, and Zazu is just… fat to cut at this point. They deserved to be in the bottom."
“Omari seemed… pissed.” Jaslene adds.
“Oh, he was MAD.” Aguacate giggles.
Fiore takes a sip of her cocktail. "Well, it's about time Omari was challenged. I feel like he’s been coasting, so…”
Jaslene nods, taking out her hand to hold Fiore, who shakes her head. “I’m good.”
Jaslene frowns.
Granny sighs and shakes her head. "I don't like seeing anyone upset, darlings. Drag Race is a tough competition, and emotions can run high. Let's hope they both handle it with grace."
Fiore giggles, before sipping her drink.
Aguacate chuckles. "Fiore, always a tough critic. But hey, it's part of what makes you fierce.”
“Exactly.” Fiore nods. “I'm simply stating the facts. Drag Race is not a place for weak links, and I have no patience for those who can't keep up."
Jaslene Bangus: “Fiore isn’t talking about me, is it? Out of nowhere, she’s suddenly acting… colder.”
"So, what do we think about the upcoming lip sync? Any predictions?" Granny smiles.
Granny raises an eyebrow. "Hmm, it's hard to say. Both Omari and Zazu are fierce performers. I wouldn't be surprised if they bring the house down."
Aguacate smirks. "I have a feeling Omari is going to fight tooth and nail to stay. He's got that fire in him. It'll be an intense lip sync."
Jaslene nods. "Yeah, I can see that. But Zazu is no slouch either. She knows how to captivate an audience. It'll be a battle of fierce personalities."
“I think Omari is going to decimate that girl verbally.” Fiore adds. “I see them fighting.”
“Oh, they’ve already fought before, and..” Granny sighs.
Jaslene shrugs. “I mean, I just hope I’m in the room when it happens.”
Fiore smirks.
“Okay, let’s get drunk!” Aguacate yells, grabbing shot glasses. “TEQUILA!”
~
I want to talk further, and really analyze your performances.
Starting with… Crayola.
Crayola grins.
“I am really happy to have seen you going outside of your shell.” Rachelle nods. “Really commendable.”
“Thank you.” Crayola nods with a grin.
“You played the part of the straight man, and I think that was a fun choice.” Rachelle purses her lips. “But it did mean Yasmin was the more BRIGHT personality.”
Crayola nods.
Zazu.
“Hiya!” Zazu smiles.
I really do like your energy, Zazu. I feel like it’s a real positive and bright energy.
Zazu grins.
But I do want you to keep PUSHING yourself. I need a little more, and I do feel as if yes, you were in many ways brought down by your partner…
Omari looks over.
But, alternatively you struggled and have been struggling. I just… want to see you push it.
Zazu nods.
Yasmin.
Yasmin grins.
“It was a pleasure seeing you this week.” Pyrite says with a grin. “You were charming, you were fun, you were the highlight for me.”
Crayola looks over.
“Wow, I am so ever so pleased.” Yasmin beams.
“It was just- a simply put, masterclass in hosting.” Pyrite nods. “Well done.”
“Thank you.” Yasmin nods.
Omari.
“Baby.” Floss sighs. “This was a disappointing week, for me.”
“Okay.” Omari says. “I can see that.”
“You just- I saw you trying, but it didn’t come across authentic. I was wanting you to loosen up. Did you come up with this concept?” Floss asks.
King Omari Star: “Part of me wants to decimate Zazu on the stage. But…”
“It was a team effort.” Omari responds. “And I want to take accountability for MY performance- because yes, I didn’t meet the mark.”
Floss nods. “I want to see you shine, baby. You’re here to fight. Show it, but let yourself roll with these punches.”
Omari looks down and nods. “Thank you.”
Thanks, racers. Whilst we deliberate, you may untuck backstage in the Crystal Lounge, sponsored by Princess Papaya Tropical Drinks.
~
The four enter the Crystal lounge.
“Where’s my fabulous drink?” Yasmin smiles, grabbing her non-alcoholic drink.
The four sit down.
“So….” Crayola purses her lips. “How do we think we’re placing?”
“Clearly, we’re in the bottom.” Omari looks over at Zazu.
Zazu looks nervously for a second, before nodding.
“How do you feel about that, Omari?” Yasmin asks.
Yasmin Raiz: “He’s… a strong character. And I expect him to probably go at Zazu. I mean, Zazu looks it.”
Zazu looks at Omari.
Omari takes a deep breath and looks directly at Zazu. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. These… critiques." Omari begins. "And I realize that instead of being angry and frustrated, I should be using this opportunity to learn and grow. We're both here because we love drag, and we want to show the world what we're capable of. So, instead of dwelling on our flaws, let's embrace them and use them as fuel to give the performance of our lives in the lip sync."
Zazu's eyes widen in surprise, both she nods.
"You're right, Omari. Let's show them the fire that burns within us and give them a lip sync they'll never forget!" Zazu smiles. “I know we didn’t work it out, this week-”
“And I know that is a lot due to myself.” Omari nods. “So I own that.”
“It was me too.” Zazu responds. “But we’re both performers.”
“I live for the stage.” Omari lights up. “And it’s not something I fear, it’s an opportunity.”
“I think the same.” Zazu nods.
"Absolutely! You two have incredible talent, and I have no doubt that you can deliver an unforgettable performance. Just remember, it's not about being perfect; it's about showing your passion and giving it your all." Yasmin responds with a bright grin.
"I've been worried about this challenge, but seeing you two find strength in each other has inspired me. We're all in this together, and we can lift each other up." Crayola adds.
The others walk in, as the four look at each other.
“Oh, not a fight.” Jaslene chuckles.
“Why, were you worried?” Yasmin asks.
“Should we go prepare?” Omari looks at Zazu, who nods.
“I think it’ll be judged individually, and I am so happy to be here, but… I don’t feel like I did as good as you! You just have that… more crowd pleasing personality.” Crayola says with a smile.
Yasmin makes a face, before nodding.
Yasmin Raiz: “Is she shading myself?”
“I mean that with love, my dear.” Crayola adds. “You did fantastic.”
“Thanks.” Yasmin grins.
“Crayola, you really do remind me of what people think of teachers.” Jaslene smiles.
“Thank you.” Crayola grins.
Jaslene smirks.
Zazu turns to Omari with a smile. “Can we hug?”
Omari looks at Zazu. “...Do we have to?”
“We don’t.” Zazu chuckles. “I just want to fight here. Because… I do want this.” Zazu tears up. “My journey here has been challenging, but I love to perform. I love delivering these looks and you know, I see I am doing bad. But my parents- and my drag family, I know they have faith in me.”
“I think you’re a talent.” Omari responds, before exhaling. “I love drag with all my heart, and I want to show the world the passion that drives me. This lip sync is not just about staying in the competition; it's about reclaiming my power and reminding myself why I fell in love with drag in the first place."
“Heck yeah.” Zazu grins.
~
Welcome back, racers. I’ve made my decision.
Crayola Boxx, this week, you worked hard, and brought the spice.
Yasmin, we’re eating YOU UP!
Condragulations, you are BOTH the winner of this week’s challenge.
They smile, with Crayola looking particularly surprised.
Yasmin Raiz: “My WIN!!!” Yasmin cheers.
That means Zazu Nova and King Omari Star, I’m sorry my dears, but you are up for elimination.
The two look at each other.
The time has come… for you to lip sync to your life!
**Livin’ La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin starts to play**
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CN5hQOI\_\_10
Good luck… and don’t fuck it up!
Zazu Nova: “I know this is another week in the bottom. But I love to perform. This is my heart and soul, and I’m going to show it.”
King Omari Star: “It’s time to live La Vida Loca, baby.” Omari smirks.
~
Next Time!
“Racers, it’s time for an IMPROV CHALLENGE!” Rachelle Mirage cheers.
Aguacate gasps.
“I’m stuck in this house…” Granny looks around.
Fiore Stravaganza: “Real talk, it’s time we’re over.”
“A.E Girls?” Jaslene winks.
“Meh.” Fiore responds.
~
Stats
Voting
Spreadsheet

DRAG RACE!
Chronologica struts the runway wearing a cosplay of Twilight Sparkle, from my little pony.
Neigh!
Welcome to Drag Race.
Pot O’Pyrite, welcome back to the show!
“Pleasure to be back.” Pyrite grins.
Rachelle, Floss, what festival would YOU host?
“Ballroom, baby.”
“KAKITIKA KITI KA KA, OW!!!” Floss chants.
Rachelle blinks.
For our Challenge, our racers were tasked with curating their own festivals.
And on the runway, they’ll be wearing Carnival Couture looks.
It’s TIME!
~
Category is… Carnival Couture.
Dressed as the circus tent itself, Aguacate steps out in a full length, red and white striped gown. She herself is the ringleader, with a cane, top hat, and thin black mustache. At the end of the runway, she opens up her tent and invites everyone to come inside her circus!
She’s wide open.
Zazu Nova arrives in a fitted bodysuit adorned with fluffy cotton candy-like trim in a pastel pink shade, with a plunging neckline and cutouts on the sides and back. To complement the cotton candy theme, a wig made of fluffy curly pastel pink hair, decorated with cotton candy-like ornaments, sparkling glitter, and glossy lips, complete the look with a smiling Zazu.
“I’m hungry.” Floss laughs.
Yasmin struts out in a preppy white cricket player’s uniform, with white trousers, a shirt, and a knit jumper, and swings a cricket bat enthusiastically. As she finishes her swing, white Carnival feathers swoop out dramatically into wide decorative plumage, presenting the perfect combo of cricket and carnival, representative of Guyana’s Mashramani Festival.
“Ooooh….” Pyrite gasps.
In a huge plumed look in green, with a massive headdress and glistening jewels all over her body, Granny Gorgeous is ready for the festival, baby! She sambas and dances as she twirls through the stage, serving Brazilian Carnival.
“Dance, bitch!” Floss cheers.
Referencing the Italian Commedia dell'arte movement, Fiore Stravaganza enters with a face mask and a jester look, in a satin style with huge puffy sleeves. She takes off her mask to reveal a painted clown face with a smile.
“Oh, I love a Commedia dell'arte reference.” Pyrite smirks.
Jaslene Bangus has become a big top! She is a big red striped big top tent, wearing a gorgeous little mini dress that twirls along with her as she walks through the stage, with fluffy red hair and a smile upon her face.
Brittany’s back?
Showcasing a look for the Mombasa Carnival, King Omari Star wears a look of bright yellows, orange and greens, with a huge headpiece like a bird, and a bare chest that is covered in various chains. He’s got a massive cape that flows as he walks, and a huge smile.
“Cape King.” Rachelle moans.
~
Hi Racers.
This week, nobody is safe.
Starting with… Aguacate and Granny.
The two grin.
You were a chaotic duo.
“Me?” Aguacate gasps. “Chaotic?!”
And I loved it. It was fun, it was entertaining- you delivered here, and I really was happy with it.
“I had such a fun time with this.” Granny smiles. “It was a pleasure.”
Great job, the both of you.
The two grin.
Fiore and Jaslene.
The two look at each other and smile.
“I feel like this was off.” Pyrite purses his lips. “For me, it was just a crappy concept.”
Fiore sighs, visibly displeased.
“I feel as if you were just- not doing enough. Your festival, for me- it wasn’t FUN. I needed fun.” Pyrite responds.
“I do- I did enjoy this.” Jaslene smiles. “And I really enjoyed our concept, and I did think I was having fun but I get the critiques.”
Fiore Stravaganza: “I wasn’t, but werk.”
Fiore shrugs.
Next up, Crayola and Yasmin.
The two look at Chronologica.
“For me…” Floss smiles. “You two really shined tonight.”
“Woo!” Yasmin cheers. “Fantabulous.”
Floss beams. “For me, you were here, you were delivering, you had fun- the two of you, and I was most interested in your festival.”
“Thank you.” Yasmin tears up.
“You have a natural charisma- Yasmin. And this week, you embraced what we needed, Crayola. I’m proud of you both.”
Finally, Omari and Zazu.
Omari stands tall, whilst Zazu smiles.
“I think the reality is you seem… off kilter.” Rachelle says. “And yes, it was a team challenge, but the reality was Omari- you were the weaker link.”
Omari looks frustrated, as the others look at him.
…
Fiore.
Jaslene.
Aguacate.
Granny.
You are… Safe. You may untuck in the platinum lounge.
The four look surprised.
Omari, Zazu, Crayola & Yasmin. Please stand on stage for further critique.
~
Fiore, Jaslene, Granny and Aguacate enter the werkroom.
“Safety!” Aguacate chuckles, grabbing her drink.
Fiore grabs a cocktail. “Yay.”
The four sit down.
“This was interesting.” Granny says.
Aguacate takes a sip of her drink and nods. "Definitely interesting. I didn't expect Omari and Zazu to end up in the bottom. They're usually strong competitors. I mean, Omari is. Zazu is pretty, though." Aguacate giggles.
Fiore rolls her eyes. "Pretty ugly maybe. Well, I'm not surprised. Omari has been struggling lately, and Zazu is just… fat to cut at this point. They deserved to be in the bottom."
“Omari seemed… pissed.” Jaslene adds.
“Oh, he was MAD.” Aguacate giggles.
Fiore takes a sip of her cocktail. "Well, it's about time Omari was challenged. I feel like he’s been coasting, so…”
Jaslene nods, taking out her hand to hold Fiore, who shakes her head. “I’m good.”
Jaslene frowns.
Granny sighs and shakes her head. "I don't like seeing anyone upset, darlings. Drag Race is a tough competition, and emotions can run high. Let's hope they both handle it with grace."
Fiore giggles, before sipping her drink.
Aguacate chuckles. "Fiore, always a tough critic. But hey, it's part of what makes you fierce.”
“Exactly.” Fiore nods. “I'm simply stating the facts. Drag Race is not a place for weak links, and I have no patience for those who can't keep up."
Jaslene Bangus: “Fiore isn’t talking about me, is it? Out of nowhere, she’s suddenly acting… colder.”
"So, what do we think about the upcoming lip sync? Any predictions?" Granny smiles.
Granny raises an eyebrow. "Hmm, it's hard to say. Both Omari and Zazu are fierce performers. I wouldn't be surprised if they bring the house down."
Aguacate smirks. "I have a feeling Omari is going to fight tooth and nail to stay. He's got that fire in him. It'll be an intense lip sync."
Jaslene nods. "Yeah, I can see that. But Zazu is no slouch either. She knows how to captivate an audience. It'll be a battle of fierce personalities."
“I think Omari is going to decimate that girl verbally.” Fiore adds. “I see them fighting.”
“Oh, they’ve already fought before, and..” Granny sighs.
Jaslene shrugs. “I mean, I just hope I’m in the room when it happens.”
Fiore smirks.
“Okay, let’s get drunk!” Aguacate yells, grabbing shot glasses. “TEQUILA!”
~
I want to talk further, and really analyze your performances.
Starting with… Crayola.
Crayola grins.
“I am really happy to have seen you going outside of your shell.” Rachelle nods. “Really commendable.”
“Thank you.” Crayola nods with a grin.
“You played the part of the straight man, and I think that was a fun choice.” Rachelle purses her lips. “But it did mean Yasmin was the more BRIGHT personality.”
Crayola nods.
Zazu.
“Hiya!” Zazu smiles.
I really do like your energy, Zazu. I feel like it’s a real positive and bright energy.
Zazu grins.
But I do want you to keep PUSHING yourself. I need a little more, and I do feel as if yes, you were in many ways brought down by your partner…
Omari looks over.
But, alternatively you struggled and have been struggling. I just… want to see you push it.
Zazu nods.
Yasmin.
Yasmin grins.
“It was a pleasure seeing you this week.” Pyrite says with a grin. “You were charming, you were fun, you were the highlight for me.”
Crayola looks over.
“Wow, I am so ever so pleased.” Yasmin beams.
“It was just- a simply put, masterclass in hosting.” Pyrite nods. “Well done.”
“Thank you.” Yasmin nods.
Omari.
“Baby.” Floss sighs. “This was a disappointing week, for me.”
“Okay.” Omari says. “I can see that.”
“You just- I saw you trying, but it didn’t come across authentic. I was wanting you to loosen up. Did you come up with this concept?” Floss asks.
King Omari Star: “Part of me wants to decimate Zazu on the stage. But…”
“It was a team effort.” Omari responds. “And I want to take accountability for MY performance- because yes, I didn’t meet the mark.”
Floss nods. “I want to see you shine, baby. You’re here to fight. Show it, but let yourself roll with these punches.”
Omari looks down and nods. “Thank you.”
Thanks, racers. Whilst we deliberate, you may untuck backstage in the Crystal Lounge, sponsored by Princess Papaya Tropical Drinks.
~
The four enter the Crystal lounge.
“Where’s my fabulous drink?” Yasmin smiles, grabbing her non-alcoholic drink.
The four sit down.
“So….” Crayola purses her lips. “How do we think we’re placing?”
“Clearly, we’re in the bottom.” Omari looks over at Zazu.
Zazu looks nervously for a second, before nodding.
“How do you feel about that, Omari?” Yasmin asks.
Yasmin Raiz: “He’s… a strong character. And I expect him to probably go at Zazu. I mean, Zazu looks it.”
Zazu looks at Omari.
Omari takes a deep breath and looks directly at Zazu. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. These… critiques." Omari begins. "And I realize that instead of being angry and frustrated, I should be using this opportunity to learn and grow. We're both here because we love drag, and we want to show the world what we're capable of. So, instead of dwelling on our flaws, let's embrace them and use them as fuel to give the performance of our lives in the lip sync."
Zazu's eyes widen in surprise, both she nods.
"You're right, Omari. Let's show them the fire that burns within us and give them a lip sync they'll never forget!" Zazu smiles. “I know we didn’t work it out, this week-”
“And I know that is a lot due to myself.” Omari nods. “So I own that.”
“It was me too.” Zazu responds. “But we’re both performers.”
“I live for the stage.” Omari lights up. “And it’s not something I fear, it’s an opportunity.”
“I think the same.” Zazu nods.
"Absolutely! You two have incredible talent, and I have no doubt that you can deliver an unforgettable performance. Just remember, it's not about being perfect; it's about showing your passion and giving it your all." Yasmin responds with a bright grin.
"I've been worried about this challenge, but seeing you two find strength in each other has inspired me. We're all in this together, and we can lift each other up." Crayola adds.
The others walk in, as the four look at each other.
“Oh, not a fight.” Jaslene chuckles.
“Why, were you worried?” Yasmin asks.
“Should we go prepare?” Omari looks at Zazu, who nods.
“I think it’ll be judged individually, and I am so happy to be here, but… I don’t feel like I did as good as you! You just have that… more crowd pleasing personality.” Crayola says with a smile.
Yasmin makes a face, before nodding.
Yasmin Raiz: “Is she shading myself?”
“I mean that with love, my dear.” Crayola adds. “You did fantastic.”
“Thanks.” Yasmin grins.
“Crayola, you really do remind me of what people think of teachers.” Jaslene smiles.
“Thank you.” Crayola grins.
Jaslene smirks.
Zazu turns to Omari with a smile. “Can we hug?”
Omari looks at Zazu. “...Do we have to?”
“We don’t.” Zazu chuckles. “I just want to fight here. Because… I do want this.” Zazu tears up. “My journey here has been challenging, but I love to perform. I love delivering these looks and you know, I see I am doing bad. But my parents- and my drag family, I know they have faith in me.”
“I think you’re a talent.” Omari responds, before exhaling. “I love drag with all my heart, and I want to show the world the passion that drives me. This lip sync is not just about staying in the competition; it's about reclaiming my power and reminding myself why I fell in love with drag in the first place."
“Heck yeah.” Zazu grins.
~
Welcome back, racers. I’ve made my decision.
Crayola Boxx, this week, you worked hard, and brought the spice.
Yasmin, we’re eating YOU UP!
Condragulations, you are BOTH the winner of this week’s challenge.
They smile, with Crayola looking particularly surprised.
Yasmin Raiz: “My WIN!!!” Yasmin cheers.
That means Zazu Nova and King Omari Star, I’m sorry my dears, but you are up for elimination.
The two look at each other.
The time has come… for you to lip sync to your life!
**Livin’ La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin starts to play**
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CN5hQOI\_\_10
Good luck… and don’t fuck it up!
Zazu Nova: “I know this is another week in the bottom. But I love to perform. This is my heart and soul, and I’m going to show it.”
King Omari Star: “It’s time to live La Vida Loca, baby.” Omari smirks.
~
Next Time!
“Racers, it’s time for an IMPROV CHALLENGE!” Rachelle Mirage cheers.
Aguacate gasps.
“I’m stuck in this house…” Granny looks around.
Fiore Stravaganza: “Real talk, it’s time we’re over.”
“A.E Girls?” Jaslene winks.
“Meh.” Fiore responds.
~
Stats
Voting
Spreadsheet

Hi y’all.
I am an orphan who grew up in Siberia and fell into sexual and debt slavery, trying to somehow make ends meet, having no base, no education and work experience. I was not a drug addict or an alcoholic, and my living expenses were not high. I was just born, already at the very bottom, in the lower depths, and in a terrible wilderness, with no support, no resources, no skills to promote myself. With no hope for the future. I was told that I am absolutely… Tabula rasa. And most of the girls in our brothel, where we are kept with beatings to death and heavy fines of millions of rubles, are also completely naive and, like me, have absolutely no idea about life outside.
We have some opportunities to hardly use our freedoms, such as communicating with people, living in rented housing nearby, but under cameras and with wiretapping, and at the same time most of the girls are accused of taking money from clients from outside and not depositing it in the cashier, and therefore impose unbearable fines, so that in the end we live in the red despite the fact that we are obliged to bring at least $400 to the brothel per day, while I do not fulfill this norm and receive only $190 and all my income going to minus, debts and fines. Every minute of my life, I am forced to please an unbearable number of clients, impose my services on them, and then get beaten up if I don't make enough money in a day.
We have completely corrupt police and local authorities, no one has ever arranged any on-site police inspections, despite the fact that brothels are legally prohibited in my country, and prostitution is illegal in any form, so we are also blackmailed by the fact that in the case of an escape, we will anyway spend the rest of our lives in prison. The only way to get out of here is to deposit $7,000 as a ransom. Usually it means that relatives give it to souteneur or someone is entrusted, since we do not manage to earn that kind of money on our own.
I am realistic about my future and most likely I will die here. I was just advised to register some accounts on “special” social networks to try to secretly earn on the outside. It seems that it is not forbidden if I want to repay a fine from this money and leave. But most likely I will never leave the profession itself, I can only leave this agency and become at best an “individual” prostitute… So… In my free time, I will do whatever you want from me, on video, on broadcasts, on streams, send photos and so on…
P.S. I remember watching a report about an Afghan boy who was a bacha bazi. And when journalists asked him what he would do if he were allowed to emigrate, he said that he would do the same, because he couldn’t do anything else. But, apparently, he will no longer do this for the Afghans, but for more liberal European customers... I am in a same situation. I hope I will at least be able to change some abusers for others… So please give me a couple of orders or some self-promotion ideas.
Also do not judge strictly, my English is mostly typewritten, I'm not good at sentences above b1. Nevertheless, I can provide evidence and proof for literally every single line of my text.
P.P.S. While I was typing this text, I was informed that they could sell me. Either to another agency or for organs. So it's basically the real human trafficking. And therefore, the most I can dream of is to be a sex worker with at least minimal civil and labor rights. And this despite the fact that I am completely asexual and feel nothing but pain. Christ will not forgive me, because I am a stupid slave and still have not been able to commit suicide or die as a martyr for the sake of freedom. However this is the whole essence of Russia and the Russian soul, the Russian hinterland. Pray to Mary the Blessed Virgin that this country be destroyed with her help. Please.

August 2022 my measurements were: 5’9, Male, 33 years old, and 219 pounds (I had next to zero muscle, so this was all pure fat, so I had a MASSIVE belly and chest and I was so obese, my stomach stuck out of my shirt.)
As of this morning June 4 2023 I am 5’9, 34 years, and 129 pounds
I know I should be excited since I lost 90 pounds but here is the thing. As a 5’9 129 pound man, my calorie requirements are like 1500. the thing is I lost so much fat since I did SO. MUCH. CARDIO. to the point where I’m severely skinny fat. I must build muscle too since my arms and legs are bone thin but my belly still has a gut and I have manboobs.So technically I’m UNDERWEIGHT since my BMI is very low (since a 5’9 male has to be between 165-190 pounds) but I’m also FAT since my body fat % is like 25% since my manboobs and gut are large.
This causes my body to get the negatives of being underweight, like the fatigue and exhaustion and brain fog but also the bloat and irritation and stomach issues that come with being fat and having a belly. Plus, it’s so hard for me to shop for clothes since my arms and shoulders are bony but I have a gut so I’m neither size small nor am I a medium. I have to do a huge body recomp to fix this and that’ll take another 8-9 months and I’m so not looking forward to it. Im so irritated. Once you start the process of building your body at the gym, you can never be satisfied. I lose weight and then lose more and more and never end up happy. It’s a cycle of misery.
Ignore text below this, I am trying to hit the word count. IGNORE IGNORE
August 2022 my measurements were 5’9 Male 33 years old and 219 pounds (I had next to zero muscle so this was all pure fat so I had a MASSIVE belly and chest and I was so obese, my stomach stuck out of my shirt.)
As of this morning June 4 2023 I am 5’9 34 years and 129 pounds
I know I should be excited since I lost 90 pounds but here is the thing. As a 5’9 129 pound man, my calorie requirements are like 1500 and the thing is I lost so much fat since I did SO. MUCH. CARDIO. to the point where I’m severely skinny fat. I must build muscle too since my arms and legs are bone thin but my belly still has a gut and I have manboobs.So technically I’m UNDERWEIGHT since my BMI is very low (since a 5’9 male has to be between 165-190 pounds) but I’m also FAT since my body fat % is like 25% since my manboobs and gut are large.
This causes my body to get the negatives of being underweight, like the fatigue and exhaustion and brain fog but also the bloat and irritation and stomach issues that come with being fat and having a belly. Plus, it’s so hard for me to shop for clothes since my arms and shoulders are bony but I have a gut so I’m neither size small nor am I a medium. I have to do a huge body recomp to fix this and that’ll take another 8-9 months and I’m so not looking forward to it. Im so irritated. Once you start the process of building your body at the gym, you can never be satisfied. I lose weight and then lose more and more and never end up happy. It’s a cycle of misery. August 2022 my measurements were 5’9 Male 33 years old and 219 pounds (I had next to zero muscle so this was all pure fat so I had a MASSIVE belly and chest and I was so obese, my stomach stuck out of my shirt.)
As of this morning June 4 2023 I am 5’9 34 years and 129 pounds
I know I should be excited since I lost 90 pounds but here is the thing. As a 5’9 129 pound man, my calorie requirements are like 1500 and the thing is I lost so much fat since I did SO. MUCH. CARDIO. to the point where I’m severely skinny fat. I must build muscle too since my arms and legs are bone thin but my belly still has a gut and I have manboobs.So technically I’m UNDERWEIGHT since my BMI is very low (since a 5’9 male has to be between 165-190 pounds) but I’m also FAT since my body fat % is like 25% since my manboobs and gut are large.
This causes my body to get the negatives of being underweight, like the fatigue and exhaustion and brain fog but also the bloat and irritation and stomach issues that come with being fat and having a belly. Plus, it’s so hard for me to shop for clothes since my arms and shoulders are bony but I have a gut so I’m neither size small nor am I a medium. I have to do a huge body recomp to fix this and that’ll take another 8-9 months and I’m so not looking forward to it. Im so irritated. Once you start the process of building your body at the gym, you can never be satisfied. I lose weight and then lose more and more and never end up happy. It’s a cycle of misery.

We're both in our 4th year of University. Because of summer vacation i haven't been able to see my bf for some time now. I assumed it would be hard not to see him everyday like it was during the previous vacation but it seems different this time. We've been in relationship for almost 2 years now and we have been inseparable the entire time. But when I moved out of the dorms a year ago to rent a place outside things started changing. Before we used to sometimes talk the entire night on calls and videos calls and when I moved out i assumed it will change into frequent meetings. But I realised very late that i was being extremely clingy and that my bf needed much more 'me space' than i did. He refused to visit me many times but i kept bugging him about it a lot. A few of those times I was sick and needed him but he still refused without any proper reason and that hurt my feelings greatly. I did not deal with the situation as well as I could've. Instead of communicating, i became very cold and angry towards him and i screamed at him and cried until i fell sick. He apologized to me and tried to take out more time for me after that and things were looking better. I was hoping that we would go back to being as lovey dovey as we were before. But i started thinking to myself how he's only doing this because of the tantrums i threw for almost 5months and how he might not even mean any of this. I had conversations with him about my feelings and he reassured me he simply wanted to do better for us. Despite that my mind just kept going back to how much I've already suffered and i found myself becoming more and more detached. I kept wondering if it's because I'm asexual (i came out to him after the relationship as I wasn't even aware of it myself until i started dating him). I kept wondering if he wasn't as into me anymore knowing how little he might get from this relationship. He assured me many times that it's not anything like that but it's so hard for me to accept it. Now that it's summer vacation and we don't see each other at all i don't even find myself missing him all that much. I do not feel like telling him i love him. I don't want to even talk with him. He's an amazing person in every sense. We really get along well and it's really fun to be with him. I honestly don't think i can ask for a better person than him for myself. He loves me in all the ways that I've always hoped for. The past few fights that grew with more misunderstandings have just left me feeling so detached and hopeless. I'm also scared to bring this upto him cuz then he might act differently and i might end up feelings that's all because I asked this of him. I'm not ashamed to ask for the kind of love i need but I'm getting tired of asking again and again and getting rejected or ignored. It's always too late until he finally decides to act right and I'm tired of waiting. I've already told him once how i wanted to break up because I was feeling too hurt. I do not want to pull that card again. It's not an easy thing to say and i don't like how it leaves us so disoriented afterwards. I don't want to throw away this relationship but day by day it's harder for me to stay in it. What can I do to make my relationship better? Or Should I breakup with my bf over this?