1) he is the eldest son.
kendall is the eldest boy, but he's still a boy. connor is in the class of grown ass son. kendalls birthday party was a childhood age play. succession? more like regression. connor throws classy parties and cares about butter temperature because he has EMPATHY. if you can't spread your butter then it's nothing but a garnish that makes the bread even less appetizing.
connor doesn't participate in the sibling rivalry, but he is not completely free from the poison that drips down. he shares logan's love for perfect execution and competence at a high level. that's why he would make a better president than CEO.
to put the nail in this coffin (too soon) what was connor's gift to Logan?
OLD BREAD. that's right. old bread is not exciting, but it's heartfelt. as much as logan rolls his eyes at this gift, we can see form the mausoleum texts that logan sees connor more as a peer than a child, and thats a win for connor.
2) he is a serious person.
he's genuine and serious. he really wants to be president, he really thinks his dad wants old bread, he really loves willa. he's so serious he doesn't see the comedy of himself running for president and he doesnt roast the other kids back. when he stands up for himself near the end of s4 he deals with the manic roman very calmly and deliberately. and seriously. no "shove so many dicks up your ass they come out your eyes" or anything just honest truth. he isnt playing, he doesnt want to play.
he doesnt want to play?
we all know he doesn't want to play the corporate game. but what's one of america's historic symbols of play? THE american game? BASEBALL. what happens in s1e1 of succession? baseball. who's watching from the sidelines while all the other kids play? connor.
3) he has the best romantic partnerelationship
willa the killa. when they're together i'm always smiling. how are you feeling when kendall and riva are together? shiv and tom? roman and a window pane over the city of new york?
they support each other. they communicate honestly. they have never back stabbed one another or said anything nasty to intentionally hurt the other. the worst thing willa did was throw his ipad in the ocean. and to them an ipad is disposable like a tissue. if you consider living in Uman for U man , you might be a keeper. connor doesn't use her. she doesn't use connor.
at the funeral, Marcia tells Kerry, "Look how far you've come" as a dig on her background and how she benefitted from being with Logan. she would have said the same thing to Willa in the situation. Kerry's reply to Marcia, "yes, look at us both" could be said by Willa as well. Willa more than any other sibling partner is looked down on by the others with older wealth.
but what are all these women doing with Logan? would any of them be with him if he wasnt rich and powerful? just because willa started as an escort doesn't mean she deserves anyone's disrespect. first of all sex work is fine, secondly didn't all the women get together with Logan for his money and power? the lifestyle? they're fucking him and they're living an elevated lifestyle because of it. they all have characteristics that logan likes and desires, and we know logan doesnt like or desire many people. so willa, marcia, kerry, and tom are all kinda doing the same thing.

I’ve been waiting to talk about this. I’ve been looking for others with similar experiences, or… I dunno. Maybe I hoped I was insane. Months have passed, and I still don’t have the slightest idea what to believe. But no matter what is true and what isn’t, the memory of what happened to me is as true as can be.
And every time I put my hand to a door, I tremble.
​
I was looking for a house in the surrounding area. I know, being a homeowner at 27 seems like a dream. I know I’ve been fortunate. Even so, I wanted something remote, spacious, and comparably cheap.
I’d been looking for something nearby, but everything even close to a larger city quickly ran out of my price range. It wasn’t until I started looking at the rural outskirts that I started to see something realistic.
I’d been to four open house showings in the past week when I came across an ad that looked too good to be true. Another open house, but this one was just perfect. Apparently, they were looking to make a quick sale after a previous deal had fallen through.
​
I made my way to a small nearby town called Tomskog. There was a little billboard with a blue sunflower greeting me, and I took a hard right down a street named “Sunplenty Road”. There were only five houses there, and the one I came to look at was at the far end. Even from a distance, I could tell I wasn’t the only visitor.
I parked on the street outside and took in the sights. There was an “Open House” sign outside, again with the sunflower logo. There was a separate garage, and the house itself was smaller than expected. Homely, but small.
I was greeted by a cheerful man. He had thick glasses, a receding hairline, and the kind of “fun uncle” smile that told me he could get away with anything.
“Come on in,” he said. “You’re gonna love it.”
​
There was me, the realtor, and three other people. A middle-aged couple, and a younger woman. She had this messy black hair that kept poking her in the eye. Even at a glance I could tell the young woman was distraught. She wasn’t even looking around the house, she seemed more interested in the people wandering about.
The house had a simple and open layout. The bottom floor had a bathroom, a separate study room, an adjoining kitchen, and a lounge area. There were stairs leading to a sort of catwalk on the second floor, making the main room wide open. The second floor had another bathroom, a bedroom, and a guest room.
It had this sort of sullen 70’s vibe with grey and white flower-patterned wallpaper. There were little scuffs and tears pretty much everywhere, but the house itself seemed… fine.
​
The realtor, Anders, showed me all the details of the kitchen. He assured me that most of the appliances were to be replaced before the next homeowner moved in, and proudly displayed the new garbage disposal. It was a nice enough setup, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the young woman standing outside the study. I got the feeling that she was standing guard.
As the middle-aged couple walked downstairs, they asked her they could have a look.
“No,” she answered, with a shrug. “You can’t.”
“Don’t mind her,” Anders the realtor smiled. “Of course you can.”
“No,” she insisted. “They can’t.”
Anders walked up to her and leaned in. His demeanor shifted. They argued back and forth, and I could hear her repeat, over and over;
“This is not what we agreed to.”
​
The middle-aged couple and I just looked at one another. While the realtor and the young woman argued, we introduced ourselves. I smiled and gave them my name. They were named Helen and Sebastian, or ‘Seb’ for short. Typical midwestern salt-of-the-earth kind of people. They were suffering from an empty nest and seemed to want a place to start over. They made no secret about being interested in the place, although Helen wasn’t sure about having no direct access to the garage. Seb, on the other hand, wasn’t sure about the soil. He wanted a proper garden, and the soil seemed ill-fit to sustain greenery.
“Still,” Helen smiled. “Best place we’ve seen so far.”
“Sure is,” added Seb, giving Helen a little shake.
​
Anders kept arguing with the young woman. I could overhear her name as Whitney, and she was not willing to cooperate. Finally, Anders just pushed past her, putting his keys in the lock.
“Right this way, we’ll just take a quick peek.”
“We’re not done in there,” she said. “You can’t just-“
“It was supposed to be packed up, Whitney. I can’t help that you’re late.”
“That’s not… please. Give me an hour.”
“You’ve had plenty of hours.”
He clicked the door open and pushed it in. The three of us gave Whitney an apologetic look as we stepped inside.
​
The study was a mess. Old clothes strewn across various furniture, loose papers and books haphazardly thrown across a musky desk. An entire wall of bookshelves full of textbooks, ranging from discrete mathematics to philosophical physics. I stood there for a few seconds, taking it all in. Whitney pushed past us, grabbing an empty box from the floor.
“Don’t touch anything,” she sighed. “Just… look at it, and leave.”
Anders leaned over to us, lowering his voice.
“You have to excuse her,” he whispered. “There were some… complications, with the former owner.”
“Oh, she’s… the, uh, the daughter?” Seb asked.
Anders nodded.
​
While Anders told us about the east-facing windows and the top-of-the-line air conditioning system, I couldn’t help but to keep my eyes on Whitney. She was rummaging through the desk, dropping mementos, pictures, and notebooks into one of her many cardboard boxes. I could tell she was sleep deprived. She kept yawning.
Helen seemed eager to just leave Whitney to her grieving, while Seb kept to the practical details. He checked the hardwood floor, the insulation on the windows, the wall linings for pests. At one point, he almost knocked over a coffee table, and Whitney came running. She caught a vase that was about to topple off the table.
“Don’t… don’t touch anything!” she cried out. “Just… if you have to be here, stay… stay still!”
“I’m, uh… sorry,” Seb said. “I was just-“
“Just go over there!”
She waved her hands around, shaking the vase. There was a little rattle coming from it.
​
She shook it again, and I could see the color fade from her cheeks. Carefully, she tipped the vase, and something dark plopped into her hand.
A large bronze key.
Whitney pulled her hand back, letting the bronze key clatter to the floor. She covered her mouth, forgetting how to exhale. We just looked at her having what seemed, to us, like a mental breakdown.
“Nobody move,” she gasped. “Nobody… do anything.”
​
We all just stood there. Helen and Seb barely breathed, and I was suddenly hyper-aware of how still my feet were. Anders wasn’t impressed. If anything, he was fed up with this. He rolled his eyes, and picked up the key.
“Whitney, I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to wait outside.”
“Please, put… put that down.”
“You can put it with your things and take it outside.”
“Just… don’t move, you don’t know what you’re-“
Anders opened the door, stepped out of the study, and headed straight for the front door. Whitney dropped everything and ran after him. The rest of us followed suit.
“Wait!” she called out. “Please wait!”
​
As soon as Anders put his hand on the front door, Whitney stopped dead in her tracks.
“Anders, please, I’m sorry,” she said. “Just step away. Give me the key. I’ll leave, I promise. I swear.”
“That’s enough of that.”
“No!”
​
He opened the door and took a step forward. The bronze key passed the threshold.
​
We’d all stepped into the main lounge by now, and I heard the door to the study slam shut. There was a sort of pressure shift, making the wind move through the main lounge. Every door in the house slid shut with a click. All except the front door, which was wide open.
But there was nothing there.
Not nothing as in no one standing there. No, nothing as in “a nothing”. Just a blank, black space.
A viscous fluid where sunlight ought to be.
Endless, abyssal, ocean.
​
I stared at it, mesmerized. The contrast of the bright sun coming in from the windows, bouncing off the ripples of this deep ocean doorway.
And there, in the dark, humanoids. Tall, elongated silhouettes.
Anders stepped back, but it was as if parts of him refused to move. His arms were locked in place, seemingly by an invisible force. And as he stepped back, something started pulling him in.
His limbs grew long and twisted. His knees bending and snapping at impossible angles. His scalp pulled backwards, the loose skin of his face revealing the bottom white of his eyes.
“He… help!”
It was all he managed to say, as he was pulled into the dark. Limbs were quietly ripped from his sockets, as his human frame was bent, twisted, torn, and mangled. Black water mixing with marrow as dark shapes turned Anders into what resembled an underwater cloud of flesh and cloth.
Whitney threw herself forward, slamming the door shut, leaving the bronze key on the floor.
​
Screams erupted, and I didn’t even notice they were mine. It was this primal force being pulled out of me, this need to scream. Like a baby desperate for her mother. Helen backed into a corner and sunk to the floor, with Seb trying his best to comfort her. Whitney just sat there looking at the bronze key; her face breaking out in cold sweats.
I felt something turn in my stomach and headed for the bathroom. Whitney ran after me, but she couldn’t make it in time. I burst through the bathroom door and collapsed on the floor, hyperventilating. Whitney stayed outside, looking at me in shock.
“It’s… you’re… you’re fine,” she said. “You’re okay.”
I wasn’t. But compared to Anders, panicking on the bathroom floor seemed like a mercy.
​
Whitney stayed with me as I calmed down. Seb and Helen joined us. After a few minutes of silence, Whitney excused herself. She came back with pile of notebooks. She sat down across the hall from me, making sure not to enter the bathroom.
“My dad, he… found something,” she said. “I wasn’t sure exactly what.”
“We should… we should leave,” said Helen. “We should leave right now.”
“We can climb out a window,” said Seb. “If the, uh… the door is…”
“Just… please,” sighed Whitney. “Just stay. We’ll figure it out.”
“I-I mean no offense,” said Helen. “But what… what on earth was that?”
Whitney turned the notebook to a specific page and read aloud.
​
“I’ve been marooned in this house for thirty days. I never know where the Door is. Sometimes I can hear water, sometimes not. I tried the windows, but it nearly burst my eardrums from the pressure as water came rushing in. I can’t leave. I can’t move. They wait behind the Door. They wait for me to open.”
​
Whitney scratched her head. Helen looked back and forth, as if waiting for something to make sense. Seb just shook his head.
“What… what does that even mean?” asked Helen. “What happened?”
“It has to do with the doors,” Whitney explained. “They wait behind the Door.”
“There’s nothing there,” said Seb. “There’s light coming through the windows.”
“It’s… it’s not that easy. It’s when you open it.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
​
Whitney stood up and handed Helen three notebooks.
“We can argue the details of dad’s quantum entanglement experiment later, but that’s not gonna help us.”
“So… let’s just go then,” said Seb. “Let’s leave.”
“You wanna take your chances on the front door? That it won’t come back? Go ahead.”
Seb took a few tentative steps up to the front door. Helen wanted to protest, but she just started looking back and forth. Whitney crossed her arms and turned away.
“I can’t hear anything,” said Seb. “Are you sure it’s there?”
“It’s somewhere,” said Whitney. “I don’t… I don’t know the rules. It has to do with the doors.”
​
I got up off the bathroom floor and looked at them. Seb took his hand off the front door and stepped back. Whitney turned her attention to me.
“You put yourself at risk,” said Whitney. “That could’ve killed you.”
“The bathroom?”
“The door to the bathroom. Any or all of these doors, it… it could be connected. Here, let me-“
Whitney walked up to Helen and took one of the notebooks back. She turned to one of the latter pages.
​
“The framework of passageway. Concept of thought. Paired in alignment, the darkness standing shy from the mirrored back of Empyrean. Realm unwilled and unbound, misshapen by collective subconscious. We cannot pass, our world-forgotten blocks dissipated. Like a bridge cannot be built of water, and a house cannot be built of wind. But the great craftsman blames not their tools; and eternal gold can be found in humble bronze.”
​
“Bronze,” I said. “Like the key.”
“Look, my dad, he… we weren’t on speaking terms. I’ve looked at all this for days, and all I can tell is that he was off his rocker. He died in that room.”
Whitney pointed to the study. Helen hugged Seb tight, holding back a sob.
“He couldn’t leave. He was convinced that the… the door would eat him.”
​
Helen sat down by the kitchen table. Thankfully, there was no door in-between the kitchen and the main lounge. Seb walked straight up to Whitney, grabbed her by the collar of her blouse, and slammed her up against the wall; his calm demeanor cracking at the seams.
“We shouldn’t be here,” he said. “This is your fault!”
“I-I didn’t know! It was all just ramblings! I didn’t have time to clear it all out, how… how could I have known?!”
“You recognized the key,” said Helen. “You chased after him. You asked him to wait.”
“That’s the only part that keeps coming back!” Whitney yelled. “Check the notebooks! The key, it’s… it’s everywhere! It’s everything!”
“So what do we do?” Seb asked. “Do we use it or destroy it?”
Whitney looked at the pile of notebooks she’d managed to gather from the study. It was only a handful of everything we’d seen in there, but it might be enough to get some semblance of an answer.
​
The house had six doors. The front door, the bathroom door, the study room door. On the top floor, there was another bathroom door, a door to the guest bedroom, and the main bedroom door. The bathroom door on the bottom floor was already open and considered safe. I could step in and out without a problem.
Whitney explained as best as she could.
Her father had grown increasingly paranoid since divorcing Whitney’s mother. He’d locked himself in his house, committing fully to his studies. He’d always been a bit agoraphobic, and having a reason not to leave the house was a bit of a blessing in disguise. But over time, that blessing turned into a curse. An early entry read;
“For years, I’ve longed for the presence of mind to devote myself. And now that I can, I find myself wanting. I can’t be certain. There is a Door, a passage. It binds itself seemingly spontaneously. There is a risk involved, and it is a risk I cannot take.”
​
Seb tried to call for help, but water started pouring out of his phone. Whitney found a page about “semi-passages” or “shortcuts”. Things that could be used as portals to another person or place. They weren’t as conceptually clean as a door, and thus wouldn’t invite “Them”, but the connection would go through that dark place. The place that, somehow, her father had stumbled upon.
I looked at the key for a long time. I didn’t dare to touch it. It was unassuming, in a way. It was old and had this sort of blocky texture; like it was made of little squares. While Helen and Seb rifled through notebooks, Whitney looked up and talked to me.
“He just wanted a way to go wherever he wanted, without having to traverse the space in-between. To just go from one door to another. All he needed was a key.”
“But why now? Why is… how are we trapped?” I asked. “We got in here just fine.”
“The realtor,” sighed Whitney. “He tried to leave with the key. I think that triggered it.”
“So how do we un-trigger it?”
Whitney shrugged and pointed to the notebooks.
​
We had endless discussions. We compared notes, drew out theories. Helen thought we could force the bronze key out a window, but Whitney theorized that it’d just leave us locked inside. I suggested we listened at each door, just to eliminate which ones were safe and which weren’t. We tried, but there was seemingly no way to tell. Sometimes I could hear rushing water on the other side. Scratches on the wood. Other times, nothing. Even going back to the same door, it’d sound differently each time.
We considered opening several doors at once. We spread ourselves out. I was at the upstairs bedroom door, right next to Seb by the guest room door. Whitney was downstairs by the study door, and Helen insisted on the front door. We all put our hands on the handles. I wasn’t sure if I could hear something on the other side or not; my heart was pounding too loudly.
There were six doors. Five were closed, one open. Someone was probably going to die.
“There is only ever one Door. He only speaks of it as a singular. It can change over time,” said Whitney. “This is our best shot.”
“We can’t know for sure,” said Seb. “And why do we even want to open them all? There’s nothing in the bedrooms, right?”
“We’re excluding,” I said. “Like we did with the downstairs bathroom.”
“We should close it,” said Helen. “Shouldn’t that improve our chances of… of our other doors being okay?”
“I have no idea,” sighed Whitney. “Are we doing this?”
Seb backed away from his door, taking the hand off the handle.
“It ain’t right,” he said. “None of it. It ain’t right.”
​
Everything erupted into an argument. Seb couldn’t bring himself to risk his life for anything less than an exit, and Helen couldn’t stop crying at the thought of that dark abyss. I couldn’t blame her. To this day, I can’t stop imagining it. Whitney, trying to act as a voice of reason, read aloud from one of the notebooks.
“The concept of the passageway, the Door, changes at the flick of a thought. An alien thought, like an invisible, uncontrollable shadow of the psyche. It refuses to be controlled. My exit could be my end; or as likely, a wooden frame. Much like we cannot control the smoke of a campfire, we cannot foresee the turning of the passageway.”
We all looked at one another. Helen collapsed by the front door, crying. Whitney was close to a mental breakdown. I felt this enormous burden settle in my stomach, like I was missing something.
​
“Let’s take the door off the hinges”, said Seb. “We’ll turn it into a… an arch. Then it ain’t a door anymore. You think that’ll work?”
“In theory, maybe,” said Whitney. “But how do we do that without opening it?”
“We’ll… we’ll take the whole frame off,” Seb said. “There’s a crowbar under the sink. Saw it when I checked the garbage disposal.”
Helen bent down next to the sink, put her hand on the kitchen cabinet handle. I gasped.
Was that considered a door? Could it kill her? Would it?
​
I imagined that dark, cold abyss. That enormous force pulling me in, turning my very form into this unrecognizable mass. Where no screams can be heard. All I’d have to show for such unimaginable anguish would be a burst of bubbles; then nothing.
“No!” I cried out. “Stop!”
But it was too late.
​
Nothing happened. Helen opened it, pulled out the crowbar, and that was that. But for a brief moment, I realized how Whitney’s father must’ve felt. That uncertainty, not knowing for sure if that one flick of the wrist would be damnation; or nothing.
Helen handed the crowbar to Seb, while Whitney gave me a pat on the shoulder. I couldn’t stop crying. My whole body was shaking from the sudden rush of adrenaline. Meanwhile, Seb walked up to the front door and started tapping the wood.
The theory was this; if there was no door, nothing could come through. There was no point in doing a test run, because if it didn’t work, someone would lose their life either way. It was better to have an honest chance of getting out.
Whitney gathered towels. She had this idea that, maybe, water might start leaking if the door was turned into a semi-passage, like a window. If so, we might have to find a way to quickly stop the flow.
By the time we got the towels, Seb started working on the door frame. As that first crack rang out, I heard a click.
​
The front door slid open.
​
Without a moment’s thought, Seb pushed it close. It had barely opened an inch.
We all held our breaths. We were fine. Nothing was happening.
​
“It’s… it’s clear!” Helen called out. “There’s nothing there! I saw it, it… it was nothing!”
“It can change!” Whitney yelled back. “We can’t take that risk again!”
“Like hell we can’t.”
Seb put his hand on the front door, but Whitney tackled him. The crowbar fell to the floor as Helen rushed forward to help.
“Listen!” Whitney yelled. “Just listen!”
​
A rumble, like a great whale passing in the distance. It was right there; on the other side of the front door.
Without a word, they all stood up and backed away. The door shook from the passing force. Something was definitely there.
“Then… then the rest should be fine,” said Seb. “We can get to the study.”
Whitney nodded, and the two of them burst into a sprint. Helen wasn’t convinced, but didn’t know what to say. Whitney dropped her crowbar, and as she bent to pick it up, Seb opened the door to the study.
​
Darkness.
“…no.”
Panic exploded. Helen grabbed his arms, trying to pull him out. Whitney crawled backwards, closing her eyes and covering her ears. I couldn’t watch. All I heard was Helen, screaming his name, over and over. There was a gargle. A scream turning into an inhuman screech, like a burning pig.
“Sebastian!” Helen kept repeating. “Sebastian! Sebastian!”
There was a click, and then nothing but crying. I looked up to see Helen collapsed against the study door. It had slid shut from the pressure on the other side.
“I’m… I’m coming, Sebby,” she cried. “I’m… I’m-“
She opened the door again.
And there was the study, just as we’d left it.
​
Helen collapsed on the floor, curling up into a fetal position. She kept making this child-like yowling, scratching the surface of the hardwood floor, as if trying to dig Seb back into reality. But there was nothing left. Not even water droplets on the floor.
Then there were her arms. She’d held on until the door had slammed shut. Her sleeves were torn, and her arms bloody. Not much, but there were these round little suction marks. They were already bruising, with spots of blood poking through the skin.
I sat by Helen as Whitney started rifling through the study. There were more notebooks, more theories, more diaries. Notes about experiments, clever tricks, and attempts. So far, every idea to understand the rules were in vain. We couldn’t make sure. No matter what, we could never be truly sure.
​
Two open doors. Four closed.
​
I don’t know how many hours passed. I managed to get Helen to the couch, but she was inconsolable. She could barely comprehend words anymore. She didn’t blink, and she could barely breathe. There were no coherent thoughts in her mind, just… darkness. This awful, soul-sinking darkness.
Whitney propped up the open doors with books and towels, to make sure they wouldn’t accidentally close. All the while, she kept trying to convince herself.
“We keep opening them one by one,” she said. “If we can get it to manifest in one single place, and keep that door open, we should be able to leave by another.”
The sun had started to set outside. For all intents and purposes, this still just looked like a house. The windows were clear, showing the greenery outside. Maybe it was all a lie. Maybe none of it was really happening.
But looking down at Helen, and her unblinking eyes, I knew it was the realest thing I’d ever experienced.
​
“We… there’s three of us,” I said. “Four doors. We can’t make it.”
“No, that’s perfect,” nodded Whitney. “That’s… we open all but the front door. It manifests. Then we can get out through the one safe remaining door.”
“Unless we all die. There’s nothing that says it can only be in one place.”
“It is implied,” said Whitney. “If you got a better plan, just tell me. But unless you want to starve to death, we gotta-“
“Starve?” I interrupted. “Is that what…”
I looked back at the study, where Whitney said her father had died. No words were necessary. She took a deep breath and nodded.
“He couldn’t bring himself to try,” she said. “So we have to ask ourselves what we want. A long but certain death, or a violent risk at life?”
​
The fridge, the freezer, and all the cupboards had been cleared out. Whitney found some raisins for us to share while we pondered what to do. Helen couldn’t eat. She stared blankly ahead, waiting for her mind to come wandering back.
It was dark outside. Whitney rolled the bronze key between her fingers.
“I wonder how he did it,” she sighed. “He never made any sense to me.”
“Maybe it doesn’t make sense,” I shrugged. “At least not to us.”
“Then what made him so special?”
“Well, he did have a lot of books,” I said, reaching into a pile we’d gathered from the study. “Just look at some of these.”
“Astrology of Abraham, Channels of Esoteric Geometry…”
“I like this one,” I said, holding up a little red book. “Diary of Emmett Rask.”
“Right. But it doesn’t beat the…”
Whitney pulled out another book from the pile, turning it over.
“… the thirteen faiths of the blameless mother.”
I shook my head, looking over at Helen. A handful of raisins slipped between her fingers. She didn’t even bother closing her hand.
​
Looking back at Whitney, I sighed.
“You’re right,” I said. “We have to try.”
So we did.
​
We lined ourselves up on the top floor. Helen on the far right, near the bathroom. I was on the far left, by the guest room. Whitney was in the middle, by the bedroom. Helen didn’t understand. She just mimicked us.
“We’re gonna open on three,” said Whitney. “And no matter what we see, just run. Run downstairs, and just… go. Get out.”
I nodded. Helen didn’t.
“One.”
I tightened my grip. I saw Helen follow my lead, giving me an exhausted look. She could barely keep her eyes open.
“Two.”
I started doubting which way to turn the doorknob. I’d turned a million doorknobs throughout my life, but that was the first time I’d really thought about which way to turn it. I imagined myself hearing water. Bubbles. Distant rumbles. I tried telling myself that it was all imagined. Fake. Tricks of the mind.
But in my heart of hearts, I knew it wasn’t.
“Three.”
​
We opened our doors.
All I saw was a well-made bed. A bag of toiletries; probably Whitney’s. I left the door open and turned around.
​
Helen was smiling as the darkness welcomed her.
“Come on!” Whitney screamed. “Leave her!”
The door to the bedroom was open. Clear. But I was standing just ten feet away from an endless abyss. Helen looked at it, as if searching for something. She touched the surface with an outstretched hand.
“Seb, honey,” she cried. “Sebby, please.”
A pulse shot through her. I could see the hair on her arm stand up. Her veins turning black.
“Oh, Sebby…”
​
In an instant, her flesh unraveled as it flayed itself from the inside out. Her scream stifled as something pulled her in, leaving splotches of blood behind from the outline of her feet. A pained moan escaped her; only to be turned to harmless bubbles in the pressurized void.
Whitney grabbed me by the neck and pulled me downstairs. We ran to the front door. We looked back a final time, just to make sure it was still manifested upstairs.
It was still there. We’d sacrificed Helen, but we’d make it out.
​
Whitney pulled the front door open – and stopped.
Darkness.
​
We’d been wrong.
​
Whitney turned to run as an impossibly long arm grabbed the flesh of her back; straight through her clothes. It pulled her back.
I crawled away, not being able to close my eyes.
“Help me!” she cried out. “For God’s sake fucking help me!”
I shook my head, not knowing what to do. I’ll never forget those desperate eyes. The betrayal. The pleading. She fought every inch of the way. She dug her nails into the hardwood floor. She kicked. She pulled. She screamed. But for every second she stayed, the more painful it was.
With a final snap, the fingers dug into her spine; folding her like a lawn chair.
A lifeless body, dragged across the floor. Unceremoniously pulled into the dark with a quiet squelch.
And the door, slightly damaged by Seb and his crowbar, slid shut.
​
I was all alone.
The door to the guest bedroom and the main bedroom remained open. There was the bathroom and study downstairs. Just two closed doors left; the bathroom and the front door. Both closed. Both… wrong.
There was no right answer.
​
I must’ve stayed there for days. I found some trail mix in Whitney’s bag. I had water. I could shower. I had a change of clothes. I scoured the notebooks over and over and over, trying to find the slightest hint on what to do. There had to be some way of knowing for sure. There had to be.
It wasn’t until I came across a final note that I realized it was over. It read;
“By will alone, we cannot make ourselves right. Right is right, independently of our actions and intentions. We cannot control that which never was, and we cannot be part of that which will never be. There could be no more perils for me to face, and yet, I cannot bring myself to leave. There is no certainty in the unknown, and I choose not to live by chance alone.”
​
I cried myself to sleep at night. I banged on the walls. I even tried opening a window, only to have my left eardrum blown out from the pressure drop. Got a nasty nosebleed as well.
I tried reading. I tried making up little worlds in my head. I imagined myself safe and sound.
But it was useless. In those final hours of desperate loneliness, I knew I couldn’t fool myself any longer.
I was going to die.
​
I found myself with my hand on the front door. I learned every crease of the wood. The temperature of the metal handle. I listened to it. Studied it. At times, it was quiet. At other times, it wasn’t. Sometimes I imagined it quiet, other times, I imagined voices coming from the other side.
Maybe I wasn’t imagining it.
Finally, I grasped the bronze key. Starving, exhausted, and mentally broken – I opened the front door.
​
Sunshine.
And there, on the fresh-cut lawn, was another realtor.
Just as confused as I was.
​
So, turns out I was only in there for about 16 hours total. And to this day, no one seems to remember neither Anders, Seb, Helen, or Whitney. According to every document I can find, the owner of the house had no children. The cars parked outside were unregistered. On paper, it seemed like the entire world had forgotten that these people were ever part of this plane of existence.
I don’t think anyone’s lying here. There was a sincere disbelief and confusion to every piece of my story. To onlookers, I seemed like a squatter that’d gone insane.
I’ve tried to find anything about this. They won’t let me go back to read the notes. The investment firm who owns the real estate company swept it all under a rug and tore the place down. I suspect they were the ones who made the bronze key mysteriously disappear from the evidence room.
I’ve tried to find copies of the books I found in there. Some of them have been seen in passing on strange message boards, and one just keeps making my computer turn off whenever I try to google it. Who the hell is Emmett Rask anyway?
​
If anyone knew these people, or have heard about this phenomenon, please… I need to know I’m sane. I need to know this isn’t all a dream. I need to know I won’t wake up with my hand on that front door, having imagined living a life back outside.
This has to be real. I am real. There is nothing on the other side of the door.
Go ahead, listen. There’s nothing there.
It can’t be.
​
Can it?

The Macho Man it was a normal weekday for me. i woke up and had my glass of sulfuric acid and rusty nails. without any milk. as expected, i got tetnis. of course, it didn't stay around for long, because i intimidated it away with my sheer masculinity. my wimpy wife was back at it again, nagging me about how much space my muscles took up. i left the house in my 10 inch rays, 42 inch tire, ford f-550 harley-davidson edition. after driving over several cars, and giving the beta males the droven road rage, i arrive at the gym. when i walk in, everyone bows to me. i use the second and third toughest guys in the gym as my bench press weights, about 800 pounds of pure muscle. after intimidating the mayor, i got my private police escort to my job at the supplement store. when i arrive, my boss is furious that i'm an hour late. i sneeze and he faints. the store doesn't get any repeat customers, with me calling everyone who walks in a pussy and all. i think they're just jealous of me. after my private dinner with the president at the salty spittoon, toughest place around, i trot on over to the city's military base to borrow one of their jets to fly home. when i get home, my wife is asleep. after watching ufc and laughing at the little girls who are fighting, i decide it's time to hit the sack. i walk in my room, grab my wife, and throw her off the bed. as she hits the wall at lightning speed, i hear a loud "thud" sound, and to my surprise, she doesn't wake up. ok. so maybe she died. but that's why i have backup wives in backup houses. "that's just the price of being married to the man", i think to myself. as i doze off, zeus himself invades my dream at the playboy mansion, and for the fifth night in a row, i knock him out cold in one punch. "puny god", i mutter. the next morning i wake up, and the day repeats.

Taking Lsd while reading Reverend insanity
Human Path Cultivators HATE HIM! He has raised his human path attainment using the Demonic path's "Illegal Drugs!" The Righteous path "society" hates him!
so I took like 6 hits of Lsd while reading reverend insanity each 150 ug and a few 300ug And damn I really got messed up!
First trip was normal shit but I felt it was weird how all this shit in my mind would unravel, like I thought how interesting fang yuan was and like delved deeply into his ambition
Second trip however was 300ug and that's where shit gets very interesting, I literally felt I was FANG YUAN! AND Lsd was Spring Autumn Cicada and Wisdom Gu ! Which gave me all these revelations from my future self, I also thought like wait wtf, the sky is white heaven and space is black heaven, this is the gu world, I was in Central continent which is Europe and all this shit was beyond wild, like it feels like it's Literally the TRUTH like reality! But thank God, I still had a clear mind and didn't do dumb shit like cutting my ear or some other shit
Fourth trip was something more insane, it was directly after it was revealed all of shadow sect was spectral soul's split soul, like the same day I took lsd and I literally felt I was God and everybody was my split soul
Now 5th trip was even crazier, I still thought I was God but I wasn't fang yuan, Rather fang yuan was gonna ascend to venerable and fight ME because I am God ! But I also felt like fang yuan was another one of my split soul and I was doing all this chaos just to entertain myself for eternity
Ok now get this, I don't think reality is just random because I tried multiple times to get lsd at random times but I would procrastinate and the day I would break through in the novel I would do it for no reason at all
Also for people who never did Lsd, it's like another world,it's hallucinations so now just understand this, you literally forget most of the trip so when you get back it's like WTF I KNOW THIS PLACE! I was here before but I forgot for some reason
Now continue with me because my character development went exactly like the novel and especially the legends of renzu which I think is the best story about the human condition, but THERE IS TOO MUCH COINCIDENCE! like it cannot be random how the part stood out and you will see why now
So I was in the part where the miniman got of city well in the legends of renzu and there was this quote : "City well is a secluded domain of heaven and earth, only by knowing you are inside of it can you get out", now I didn't give it much thought and coincidentally I took lsd the next day, AND then BOOM! I was like OK so this is city well, even if it's not, I can see that reality is not real, It's all just a Dream! But like then at that moment it was like damn!! Only by knowing you are inside a well can you get out of it and realise True Reality!
Now we are going even WILDER in the next part I read a lot, I understood things like the heart of renzu, like his heart and the trials he faced
So this next part, I took LSD but I didn't READ the novel but here's the catch it was the most intense trip I have ever had, i felt I was BOILING in lava literally, now as you might not now but lsd amplifies all emotions like 100x especially suffering like it lasts even after the trip, in this trip I HAD AN INTENSE EGO DEATH,
Now ego death sounds catchy but it's Literally just memory suppression, I didn't know what it was but it sounded cool but when I got it HOLY SHIT! I literally did not Remember my own name, I didn't KNOW WHO I WAS! OR MY PAST! OR WHAT I WANTED! I literally forgot everything, it's not that I forgot it but it was all suppressed I couldn't recall anything at all!
Like I remember I met my dad after this which was in summer and I FELT LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I SAW HIM! I ate food and it felt like it was the first time I ate, I saw trees and I felt it was the first time I saw them, I'm not even kidding it was the scariest shit ever, I couldn't even think properly
The scariest part is there is this state that's called pure consciousness, it's when you see something but you do not remember the act of seeing; like you see something but you forget your existence; you don't remember you are a person seeing this thing but there is just the thing itself
This was really like rock bottom for me, like when I saw somebody I could vaguely feel I know this person but there were no memories, and I would have this voice in my head : "WHAT AM I?" "WHERE AM I " "WHY?" AND ALL this shit was crazy, I would think all day and i understood nothing about what the world was or how it worked
It's Literally like being THERE in the trip and having never come back, like I could remember i know this thing but I do not have access to I cannot take it and see it Like even Later on, I would forget everything like if I think very very hard I can vaguely remember but it's Literally like amnesia and Weird schizo thoughts all the time, even the way I acted and my movements, even while walking it felt weird and I would black out and forget I existed
Now hear me this, I went like this for weeks, at this point I wanted to stop reverend insanity cause it made me suffer but get me this I'm bored and I open it up, I read like a few chapters AND BOOM! It's the part where Renzu goes INSANE! and he doesn't remember who he is or where he is, and then when he sees the birds he thinks he is one, when he sees the fish he thinks he is one and seeks Freedom Gu, at that point I was like WTF !!!! this can't be real, this cant be a coincidence, I had went insane and renzu was there like me, and then the fate war finished, Renzu hated fate and so did i, like for the first time in my life I was like holy shit WHY IS THE WORLD THE WAY IT IS? Why can't we just be happy all the time why do we have to suffer constantly? I understood there, ok so this world is suffering! Through constant change the only permanence is impermanence, I think it got me more into Non-duality religions and zen buddhism it's more interesting since they also get into the things I felt in these states
FUNNIEST SHIT : So later on, I accept this state, and I go to the beach with my family, and I am like oh this is the beach, I enter it and then BOOM! WTF this is literally Reverse flow River! The more I tried and got in the harder it pushed me out and It was literally like a revelation in my head lmfaaaao
i sound like this but I'm pretty serious most of the time but damn the legends of renzu is literally just mind-blowing, the more I reread it the more I understand more about life and the human condition, like when Renzu finds self Gu and It tells to WALK! he doesn't know how or where but self gu just tells him to WALK! Or when Forest samsara and the miniman built the ladder, and the miniman got out of Oradinary abyss, I literally feel these things, especially when Renzu faced that big predicament and it ate all his hearts, similarly I think I felt how it feels to go through what he went through, I think this goes to show what it means to be a Human Being
This is human path, i think at this point, my attainmentbhas reached Quasi-Supreme grandmaster thanks to Lsd and reverend insanity, But damn it was a HELLISH journey!
​
Taking Drugs and LSD and Becoming Fang Yuan and Fighting God
​
An Updated version of a previous post about me taking LSD and reading reverend insanity, Except this time, we have LSD (3500ug) months of doing it, shrooms loads, overdosing on Ketamine especially K-holes, 2-FMA, loads of tryptamines and other drugs, i had a previous post about this and this is what follows
I will restart from the beginning
In my 2nd LSD trip ever, which was 300ug and that's where shit gets very interesting, I literally felt I was FANG YUAN! AND LSD was Spring Autumn Cicada and Wisdom Gu ! Which gave me all these revelations from my future self, and I was Struck in a Time loop where I needed to realise what my Future Self was telling me, perhaps I had died in the future and finally returned to the Past to Survive with all these revelations
I also Felt I was gonna become like Fang Yuan and conquer this world, and this entire world was my own playground and Everything in it was at my Mercy and will one day come to belong to Me alone
I also thought like wait wtf, the sky is white heaven and space is black heaven, this is the gu world, I was in Central continent which is Europe and all this shit was beyond wild, like it feels like it's Literally the TRUTH like reality!
Fourth trip was something more insane, it was directly after it was revealed all of shadow sect was spectral soul's split soul, like the same day I took lsd and I literally felt I was God and everybody was my split soul and I had Created this entire world and Universe from scratch for my own entertainment
Everytime I call it the "Zone", where you feel "I Knew this" but I was made to forget it on purpose to play this character!
Now 5th trip was even crazier, I still thought I was God but I wasn't Fang Yuan, Rather fang yuan was gonna have to ascend to Venerable to fight ME because I am God !
But I also felt like fang yuan was another one of my split soul rebelling against me and trying to take my Position as God but it also felt like I was doing all this chaos just to entertain myself for Eternity and he was but a character
Now continue with me because my character development went exactly like the novel and especially the legends of renzu which I think is the best story about the human condition, but there is too much coincidence!
"City well is a secluded domain of heaven and earth, only by knowing you are inside of it can you get out", now I didn't give it much thought and coincidentally I took lsd the next day, AND then BOOM! I was like OK so this is city well, even if it's not, I can see that reality is not real, It's all just an Illusion made to make me fall asleep! But like then at that moment it was like damn!! Only by knowing you are inside a well can you get out of it and realise True Reality!
I felt I was trapped in this Illusion of Life and I needed to wake up and become God again
So this next part, I took LSD and it was the most intense trip I have ever had, i felt I was Boiling in lava literally, now as you might not now but lsd amplifies all emotions like 100x especially suffering like it lasts even after the trip, in this trip I had an intense ego death
I forgot everything and became a white empty slate, being Nothingness
This was really like rock bottom for me, like when I saw somebody I could vaguely feel I know this person but there were no memories, and I would have this voice in my head : "WHAT AM I?" "WHERE AM I " "WHY?" AND ALL this shit was crazy, I would think all day and i understood nothing about what the world was or how it worked, much like Renzu when he went Insane!
In this same way, I was trynna destroy and get out of Fate gu's bindings that was binding me to a mortal body and in this illusion
At this point, I went to the beach and it was very similar to Reverse flow river and it gave me a good contrast to my life which is me being pushed by the Sea of Fate
this till now was last year, now We Get into the Real shit thats interesting
In an mdma + Huge LSD dose, I saw God in his True infinite form, a Formless form, a huge void infinite white sky without limits, The Supreme Being, the only True existence, there came a merging, a me dissolving in God and Love and I was two steps from becoming God
but I had to give up my body and mind! but a thought stopped me that "I was gonna be Alone", a fear of Death, giving up Everything and Everyone and few thoughts rippled "I fear being God"
it dawned on me that perhaps the boredom and fear of being alone was what made me create the world but it later became clear that it was the human form/mind that feared that and not the real "Me"
After this experiences of rejecting the merging into God coupled with the mdma comedown made me go Through Literal Hell, feeling disfunctional, suffering bodily and insane anxiety, stress and suicidal thoughts that came with the comedown but It dawned on me that perhaps it was God's punishment for prefering the World to Him, "you came all this way yet refused me for this lowly world", it did feel terrifying and full of suffering but I came to transcend that suffering and reject God and his anger, what is he gonna do anyway?
But it went to Hell even more, that string of bad luck didn't end just like that, through some coincidences I ended up consuming 5x the normal dose of ketamine and it was HELL itself, I was Boiling, My heart would literally Explode every few seconds, sensations coming up and exploding me entirely
Yet I still went through it and Trascended it with anger and pride, what are you gonna do God? heh!
here is what he did, I accidently ingested 10x the normal ketamine dose AGAIN, this time HELL 50x, Literally BLACKING OUT every few minutes, waking in Hell again and again! to blacking out, this continued for 30 FUCKING HOURS! you cannot make this shit up, I am not lying, it was Death ITSELF!
after that I was just dead for a month, not eating, no water, bad sleep, stomach and head pain
Yet I still transcended it but this time with surrender to God although I didn't still accept him/I/it, whatever it was
This Hell did not stop but kept going, I felt I was going against God himself and constantly fighting him and the demons in my head, I had entirely given up on Fang yuan and me
After that, I went through another mdma + lsd + shrooms trip, I found God again and repented but when he wanted me to dissolve in him, I refused Again, I will not return if I do not choose to!
Hell continued again, Anything I did, everything I valued, All my soul and blood was taken from me, catastrophy fell upon me till the point where there was no more "me"
Yet I saw here the wisdom and Cunningness of God, I had cut off all attachments, I had gone to the core of my being and cut everything till the last threads remained and then I cut those as well till nothing remains
Months have passed since then, I'm prepared for a New Showdown in the next coming days, I'm gonna fight God again and this time I WILL WIN!
​
Fighting God while taking drugs and inhabiting the spirit of Fang yuan
​
Taking drugs in a forest alone and feeling like a God with epic music on the background while on psychedelics
I felt that me and the world and the entire universe were created by God and that he was all moving them like puppets on a string, all imaginary in his own mind
and that I was the only One who was gonna rebel and refuse him, I was the one who was gonna transcend this world and everything and I was the One who was about to become God
I was moving with absolute confidence, I felt like I am God and the entire world was at my mercy
I felt that the spirit of Fang yuan wasn't just fighting Heaven's will but Gu zhu ren as well, the author himself and that the same way fang yuan was doing that, I the imaginary character was fighting against my author, God himself
I felt Fang yuan as this absolute spirit of Absolute freedom moving through me, I even stumbled in the outer of the forest and was moving near a highway and with cars all moving with all the noise and the possibility of being crushed at any moment coupled with the absolute Epic music, I felt like a God conquering everything and nothing could stand in front of me
That was It! I felt this absolute adrenaline and excitment flowing through my veins, and I heard this in my head "God alone exists, limitless, eternal, all-encompassing" and I was that!
and with the absolute excitment and otherwordly epic music I was transcending my individuality and becoming God and I felt all this energy flowing through me, Life itself, this absolute freedom and limitlesness!
I was absolutely Free!
​
Eternal Life is Real, I found it.
​
Here is Eternal life I offer to you for free, rare are the ones who will actually see it
You are not actually the avatar, neither your body nor mind
you are "Awareness"
You are just aware of a human being, aware of his thoughts and his action but you are not him
Imagine a Vr headset, thats kinda of how reality is, you watch a character in a movie but you think its you, I am here to show you True Reality
You are not the character in the game
rather you are God and you imagine the entire world and all the avatars including your own
In truth, the entire world has no reality, it is as unreal as a Dream, simply made out of God's imagination, In truth, I am You, You are Me
There is only one soul that experiences all lives, One Life that exists in everything
If you just put the ego, the character's personality in the trash it would be clearer
In truth, you are not touched by the character's sufferings, you just hear him and feel him but you are not affected, immovable
You already are Eternal, the entire world is merely a play plastered on a Stage, the play of life is an illusion, the stage is Real and Eternal
Here it is, Eternity without Effort, there was no need to chase eternity simply change the wrong view into the correct one
And realise that already Everything is God, the world is literally made out of Consciousness and the entire point of it is To Experience
To experience different forms, you are the dog, the cat, the tree, the sky, there is only one component to the world and that component is you
In the Vast Ocean of God, Bubbles of universes arises, linger and disappear
The Formless masquareding with forms and different masks
Throw all the masks and your godhood becomes clear, you create the world not the other way around
In truth, none of the imagination exists
There is Only God existing in nothingness, and that is who you are
Eternity itself, that is what you are!
you can't imagine using the Avatar's mind, you can try to bypass it and see it but it takes time, thats what enlightenement is
​
the Beauty of Existence
www.reddit.com/ReverendInsanity/comments/13rxei8/i_made_a_meme_about_all_the_drama_in_this/
The fact That only this post was Not Banned
The fact that finally some positive interactions after lots of sufferings
And the fact that i accidently today took lsd out of nowhere
And the Fact that "We are God and this entire world is our game" flashed on while I was Despairing truly, while on lsd
I Swear to God, now I remember, I was made to forget
Especially since I thought these past few days that God was a Void of nothingness
and I saw it with such certainty that it put despair into my heart literally
And while I was despairing I saw the part where Light said "We are God, wake up" and it hits me like a truck and I remember it now
I remember Now! If you are still asleep by now, time to wake up
This Entire World is the Novel of God
Not gods, the One God, All Existence
I think God loves me for how much suffering I've been through, so much hatred in this sub
financial situation, literally him sending me Pain literally, Just understand I myself am a character without true volition, everything I say or do is a part of a script
And i fucking love playing my part
You would say you reek of ego but remember we all are God literally
its impossible to see it since all come from different parts and perspectives
All is One, a Story beautiful beyond description and we all characters within it
And I am fang yuan hahahaha
I know its all insane and crazy but just imagine what if?
what if?
what if?
what if, even if it was a miniscule chance
what if?
What if it all was true!
from my perspective, It is! and It is absolutely amazing and completely invigorated me and put fire in my soul, but from another it wouldnt make sense
but oh well one day you'll see...
​
The World Exists inside the Mind of God
Do you want the truth? Or stay in your bubble?
The World exists inside the Mind of God
The same way when you read a Novel, the Entire World is Inside your Mind
but you live as the character
so You are Fang yuan when you read Reverend insanity since its an imaginary character, you exist, fang yuan doesnt but you become him and he becomes real
Your imagination gave "words" Life and they became alive and became The gu world, fang yuan and all characters
In this same way, so is The world of human beings existing in the exact same way inside the timeless spaceless Mind of God
The Mind of God is Timeless because Time itself is a thought in this unlimited Mind
This Mind is Limitless since it can imagine anything effortlessly, It is Spaceless meaning existing before Space because it imagines it, It exists everywhere and nowhere and only It exists
God imagines our world and we all are imaginary characters and dont have a solid existence outside being imagined
But the same way you are Fang yuan when you read the story so I am and We all are actually God, God imagining and being his Imagination
we all are the One Mind that created the World but cannot see it because the same way when you read the character, you forget this world and live in the novel, so you forget who you are and become the character as is God's desire to experience existence gives birth to the world and all its forms
Reverend insanity is a story of just that, Pursuing one's birth right, Only an infinite Being originally would want to become infinite once being reduced to a finite being, it is a deep ingrained thing in our being
both Existence and Non-existence, Existence means life and being conscious, Non-existence describes something similar to the sleep state, if you notice deeply then you would see that Sleep is Void, there is no blackness or whiteness or anything, that's non-existence
Well, in Truth both existence and non-existence, conscious and sleep state are not real, The One that Is Aware of them IS THE REAL
Since God imagines these but they are not God! Not the True Reality
I can't describe what it is to reach Eternal Life thus paradoxical language used to try and approach it but it is true people have always wrong in assuming life or death exist since neither actually do since they are created (imagined), the one who is aware of them does, the One without cause, the Uncreated is the Real
God alone exists and we all are One, Immortal, imperishable!
There is no need to chase Eternal life, Eternity isnt something to attain
here is the Truth
There is no "me", there is no "you"
God alone exists and we are That!
Say it with me :
I am God, the self of all, of this there is no doubt.
I am One with no other, the only Truth, the single essence
I am Eternal, Formless, Solitary, Endless!
I alone exist! limitless, eternal, all-encompassing!
Truly I alone exist! all pervasive and never-ending!
Indeed, my nature is pure intelligence
I am infinite, immutable, deathless
I experience neither joy or sorrow
nor do I know to whom these might appear to exist
I have no beginning or end
I was never born and will never die
I am the Supreme Reality, forever whole and undivided
If God alone exists Limitless and Infinite
If It is the Ultimate Truth itself that is all pervading as Space
How can there be a higher Supreme truth?
I am neither alive nor lifeless
I neither come nor go
I have no inside or outside
Not bound by birth or death, I light Eternity!
Not bound by time or space, I light Eternity!
Not bound by being or non-being, I light Eternity!
Not subject to creation and destruction, I light Eternity!
Truly I alone exist, Limitless, Eternal, all encompassing!
so do these words reveal the Absolute Truth of Reality.
​
The moment you Realise God Consciousness, You will be Eternal
​
The Entire World is an illusion swirling in God
This world of duality appears to have substance
But the Moment that you realize that the body, the world, and all other appearances are unreal and empty like sky,
then you become Brahman.
The paradigm of duality no longer applies to you.
The Entire World is a mirage with no existence
God alone exists
The Moment you realise God, Eternal life is yours
In Self, there is no time, no space, no matter
There is no beginning, no middle, no end.
Realise That which is all pervading As Space and Which Contains the Entire Universe
Meditate on God as the Source of All Creation
The Entire world has never existed yet appears to exist, its an illusion
The Moment God Consciousness is realised, One finds Eternity
In God, there is only one thing
Immaculate Pure Being
Infinite, empty, clear like sky
It is beyond time and space
it is beyond existence
The moment you realise God Consciousness, You will be Eternal
You are done with birth and death.
This is the Absolute Truth of Reality.

The week went by and everyone kind of just forgot the last session until we all met outside the game shop and saw Barbarian and Druid waiting for us. Seems the weight of the last session had just come crashing back down on them and they were debating on going in at all. Bard and Paladin were already there chatting it up with DM and seeming to have fun. A little talking and we all decided to see where this lead.
Of course as we traveled DM insisted that we roleplay our actions to the extreme as if she wanted a reward for what she did last time. None of us really were in the mood and each explained in their own diplomatic way that we would like to skip to the next town. However Paladin was all up for roleplay. After all we had gotten to explain our backstory so he should get a turn. We agreed thinking it wouldn't take long for him to get on the same page as the rest of us.
Two hours later I have pulled out my laptop to work on some writing, and everyone else is looking at their phones or books while Paladin is still talking. He apparently loves the intense roleplay of describing in great detail all his actions with a hammy over the top way of speaking. His backstory is a line of adventures stolen from his favorite video games. Defeating evil Barron Von Bowser to save Princess Peaches, taking the head of the arch wizard Gannon to lift the curse on a sleeping princess, slaying the evil dragon of the north known as Seath the scalesess to save a blind holy woman, and riding off into the sunset on an axe beak with a young maiden after beating an evil lord named Sephiroth. Just to name a few. This kept on to the point I wanted to remind him he was level two but DM was loving it and on the edge of her seat.
Our saving grace was Bard who spoke up and said that we would break for camp. The next town was two nights away so might as well get one night behind us. Again we got a random encounter roll and again "Oh my this never happens you are all just so lucky, no encounter isn't that great?" The rest of us are angry but we remain diplomatic. Asking, pleading that we have an encounter so we can level up. Everyone wanted to fight the dragons and we needed levels but nope. She had played for FIFTEEN YEARS and THIS WAS THE RULES.
Another hour of stolen game cut scenes from Paladin and we made camp once more. Once again lucky us, no encounter. We begged offering to even roleplay with the enemies having banter and what not. No dice, it was the rules after all and you can't bend the rules... A bit more and we make it to town. At this point we hush Paladin, everyone is ravenous. We are rolling social skills, stopping people, asking questions, anything to get us our next job in hopes that we can level up, anything to further the story. Forget being nice, we were the rudest people you had ever met grabbing any NPC the DM said existed and ganging up on them venomously shouting. "What problems do you have in town?! Anything we don't care even if it's minor. Tell us, we'll even kill rats, got a goblin problem? Kobolds? Seen an undead? Do you just not like someone? GIVE US ANYTHING!"
Barbarian was so desperate he even asked the DM if starting a fight would be survivable and get us XP. She explained that everyone in the entire fishing city was either our level or lower and harming them wouldn't give us any XP what so ever. She went on to say that we didn't find any job hirings, the only thing people were talking about was how the fishing had dried up.
The moment we heard that Wizard, Cleric, and I in unison turned and said "DRUID! You're up. lets get you to the docks." We rushed everyone to the docks, and wanted to hire a ship. The only ship available was a war ship that was docked for resupply. We talked to the captain and paid him nearly every bit of gold we had to rent his ship. So we were out on the ocean and the druid was doing his thing in a small boat while we waited. Calling forth some fish and using a ritual speak with animals to get the information. All of us were very proud of Druid, he came back and we had the answer. Seems some creature had entered into the bay, druid pointed to a sunken single man sailing ship that we could see the mast sticking ten feet out of the water. So fairly shallow water, this is important.
Whatever had scared the fish was there. We sailed over to it and DM goes into her description. Talking about from the ship comes a massive shadow that dwarfs the ship we are on, so large it makes it look like a bath toy. The shadow swims under the ship and it takes half a minute before it is past. As it moves large tentacles are seen breaking the surface of the water.
Druid rolled nature and all of us aided him. He got a fairly high roll and DM informed us that we had just seen a Kraken. I was dumbfounded, how the heck was a Kraken living in a small sail boat when it dwarfed a war ship, and how the heck was it in this shallow of water!? So I asked "We know what it is can I look up the information?" She said ok and I asked what one she was using 3.5 or 5e it was the 5e one so I turned to it and pointed asking "You mean this?" She confirmed the CR 23 monster as the one we had just seen.
Barbarian who only looked at the picture. "Awesome!" Druid "Bet we can take that." Wizard "no we can't. It's CR 23." Barbarian "Cap!" Druid "Does this mean we have to run away again?" DM All smiles "Yep now you have an important second goal! You're so lucky."
Now I will say here I know I am in the wrong for what I did. It is always important to have good communication and talk things out, however we had tried that, I was frustrated, and I wasn't thinking straight. So I became that guy.
DM " When when you run away you have a couple of options you can go to..." Me "Nope we aren't running away. We're gunna fight it." DM "What? You can't." Me "Sure we can, it's here, we're here, we're going to fight it I know everything about them you said so lets see what we can do. Captain how many guns on this ship? Do you have harpoons big ones? How about gun powder you have cannons so how much you got?" Barbarian "So we're fighting it?" Me "Yep we're fighting it! Bring it on you big squid we're having calamari tonight!" Druid "So we can beat it?" Me "Heck no! It's impossible. That thing gets three attacks a turn can hit us on a 2, and will kill us in one hit. Barbarian might survive three hits if he's really lucky and raging. We have no chance." Druid "So why are we fighting it?" Wizard who had just looked up the stats. "Because we're fighting it!" Cleric "Bring it slimy!"
It was amazing, a moment of depression turned to a slight moment of confusion and then everyone was on board even Paladin who didn't get what was going on. Everyone was suddenly excited. Barbarian looked for the harpoons, took three of them and said he was rolling strength to bend them, didn't even wait for the DM to say if he could just rolled and explained how he was making a giant fish hook as his weapon of choice. Taking out rations and spearing them on as bait. Druid Rushed down asking how many barrels of gun powder he could find. Cleric was talking to the crew asking for anything that burned, wood, lamp oil, explosives of any kind. I went about telling everyone this was our ship and we were headed back to town why settle for what the ship had, we were going to raid the town for supplies. Druid pointed out we spent all our gold and I told him. "We are doing this for the good of the kingdom, we'll steal what we need and pay them back later. Lets get this thing!"
DM tried to gain control of her game back as we were going at a pace she couldn't handle, she said the captain was demanding we leave his ship alone and since it was the only ship he was sailing away and leaving us in the city, we couldn't have his ship.
The party was invested now though. Everyone was excited and having more fun then we had since the start. We reminded her that she stated no one was over our level so we would fight the captain and take his ship if we had to. Threatening him that if he didn't get off and leave the ship he would be dead. She relented and had the captain and crew leave. Cleric and I agreed we'd stay to guard the ship and get things ready on it while the party went to gather more things to kill the Kraken. People were looking at skills, abilities, and items. Looking through the book for anything that could help us and asking the DM if the city had it. Shop after shop the blood thirsty adventurers went demanding goods to fight off the threat. Never really telling the people why we needed it or what it was for but insisting there was a danger that would destroy the city, maybe the kingdom if they didn't cooperate. The DM wasn't given a break to process, when one question was answered another was asked. If we couldn't get something we got the next best thing. If we couldn't find a finished product we took the stuff to make it. She was having to improve on the fly and I could see it was taking a tole on her, where since the start she had a look of absolute authority and command, now she was a frazzled mess.
I would have felt bad, I should have felt bad, however from the rest of the players I heard something that I hadn't heard since day one, laugher and excitement. They didn't care I had told them it was impossible. They didn't care I had pointed out we would die and be on character generation. They now had a chance. Even if it was an impossible chance it was a chance to do something and try.
DM "Look if you do this you're all going to end up dead. You can't bet it at your level." She was trying to get us back to just running away and for a moment things stopped. Me "I hope my character doesn't die. I have a cousin in this down, he's a warlock too and he'd be so upset I think he'd go after the thing as well." Wizard laughed and joined in. "Oh yeah my sister has a shop here, if I died without saying hi to her she'd make that thing burn."
Druid and Barbarian got the message, we had all played video games. If we couldn't beat it with these characters we had a city with a population of 6000 possible back up characters to zerg rush it. So plans kept on going, players kept searching for a way to give us the best possible chance of doing this or surviving a couple of rounds because that would be an accomplishment in itself. We were making bombs, alchemical items, improvised weapons. Getting ready every spell and ability we had to try this. When gaming was called the DM and Bard left while the rest of us stayed around for probably a half hour more talking about the plan, joking, and just having fun. All of us left with a smile on our faces.
When I got home I had a message on my answering machine from DM informing me that I wasn't the DM and how dare I highjack her game. That I was a horrible player and I better fall in line because I had her crying. She made some threats about hurting herself if I didn't stop which I hope were lies meant to make me feel bad, and ended the message telling me if I called her back she would call the cops on me. A threat I wasn't going to test. I saved the message for proof later if I needed it and the week passed. When we all met at the shop the next week Bard said DM would be late. We were all still joking and having fun talking about our big plan for the TPK and making joke bets like "If we last three rounds your new character owes mine five gold." It was great.
Time passed though and no DM so we asked Bard what was up. He informed us then that she had texted. Said I ruined her game and she wasn't going to play with people who didn't understand the rules of dungeons and dragons. We broke out magic the gathering cards and played a few hands before heading home all a little disappointed that we couldn't see how far we would have gotten. A little while later I think a couple of months I was telling the story at the shop and Wizard kept making hand motions at me. I asked what was up and he face palmed saying "That's her older brother." Well I had already put my foot in my mouth voicing my displeasure so I figured one more question wouldn't hurt. "Sorry, but it was a bit of a mess of a game. This is my opinion as a player. I know she's family and all so hate me if you like but I am honest. I will ask though, how long has she actually been DMing."
The brother didn't mind and informed me that she had DMed 2 games for him, his younger brother, and their father when she was a child. That was it and they were both one shot things with their father doing most of the work. She never came back to the game shop and I think she moved states, I've never seen her since.

Everyone knows the infamous story about the RMS Titanic and how the “unsinkable ship” ended up at the bottom of the North Atlantic Ocean on April 15, 1912, following a collision with an iceberg during her maiden voyage from Southampton, England to New York City. Of the estimated 2,208 passengers and crew members on board, approximately 1,496 perished, making it the deadliest peacetime sinking of an ocean liner to date. Well, what if I were to tell you that many people believe that the wreck at the bottom of the Atlantic is not the Titanic, but another ship. You might say “Why do people think this theory is real?” Let’s look at the basis of the theory that claims, “The Titanic Never Sank!”
The White Star Line was a British shipping company. Founded out of the remains of a defunct packet company, it gradually rose up to become one of the most prominent shipping lines in the world, providing passenger and cargo transport between Great Britain and the United States. The White Star Line had a trio of ships called the Olympic Class which consisted of the RMS Olympic, RMS Titanic, and RMS Gigantic (later renamed Britannic). The Olympic embarked on her maiden voyage from Southampton, England to New York City on June 14, 1911, and had a very successful career, until its fifth commercial voyage. On September 20, 1911, The Olympic was involved in a collision with the HMS Hawke near the Isle of Wight, southern England. The Olympic was very badly damaged but did not sink. She was immediately returned to the dry dock to be repaired and put back on the water as soon as possible. Around this time, the Titanic was under construction after it had been successfully launched from the Harold and Wolff shipyard in Belfast, Ireland, and here’s where the theory begins. According to the theory, because the Olympic was so badly damaged, it would cost the White Star Line an intense amount of money in order to repair it, which was something they lacked at the time. So, in order to collect insurance money, they switched up the Titanic (which was still under construction at this point) and the Olympic and the plan was to deliberately sink the Olympic and pass off the Titanic as the Olympic. This theory falls apart in so many ways. Let’s start with the fact of money they would be losing, not claiming . So, Titanic and Olympic both cost 7.5 million dollars each to build. However, Titanic was only insured up to 5 million dollars, so for the WSL to purposefully sink the Olympic and claim Titanic’s insurance, they’d be losing around 2.5 million dollars. It only took around $125,000 to repair the Olympic, so for them to just intentionally sink a ship and claim insurance money is ridiculous cause they would lose money, not make it. Now, in order to pull off switching the two ships, this would be almost impossible to pull off cause although the ships look similar, they had very noticeable structural differences so it would be a lot more work than just switching the name plates. So many people would easily be able to tell the difference between the two ships. Here’s a good example. The Olympic’s A Promenade Deck has opened windows, but on the Titanic, the windows are closed at the front. If you were to go down to the wreck site today, you will find that the windows match Titanic’s closed A Deck Promenade windows. Also, Olympic had 16 portholes, and Titanic had 14, at least to start with. During the interior construction, 2 more portholes were added to each side of the Titanic to bring in more sunlight. This is something that supporters of this theory would claim to protect their belief, but unfortunately, this is not in their favor. Another thing that people use to back this theory up is the fact that some of the richest and most famous people at the time had purchased tickets to sail on the maiden voyage of the Titanic but canceled minutes for departure. However, these people had canceled months in advance due to other plans. These people included Theodore Dreiser, Henry Clay Frick, Milton S. Hershey, Guglielmo Marconi, J.P. Morgan, John Mott, and George Washington Vanderbilt II. The reason these people canceled was not because of superstition, but just because they had other plans in the way of Titanic’s rescheduled departure. You see, the maiden voyage of the Titanic was originally scheduled for March 20, 1912, but it was moved to April 10 due to the Olympic’s collision with the HMS Hawke, which put a delay in Titanic’s construction as workers had to take parts from the Titanic’s stern and use them to repair the Olympic. This could be a simple answer as to why these men had canceled their reservations to set sail on the maiden voyage of the largest and most luxurious ship of its time. It just simply got in the way of their plans to arrive in America sooner than mid-April. The final way this theory can be disproved is that every ship has a yard number by the people who built it. These numbers help identify the ships and their builders. The Olympic’s yard number was 400, and Titanic’s was 401. You can still locate this number on the wreck. It can be found on the starboard (right) propeller. This further disproves the fact that this theory is even possible.
These reasons got to show that whoever thought of the theory that the Titanic and Olympic were switched clearly didn’t think about these very simple facts that disproves the idea of this even being close to possible. I hope that you consider each of these points the next time you hear someone say that “The Titanic Never Actually Sank”. All of these factors towards disproving the switch-up theory between the two ships helps prove that the wreck 12,500 feet (about 3.81 km) below the surface of the North Atlantic Ocean is indeed the wreck of the RMS Titanic.

Hello! If you've manage to stumble your way into this post, hopefully today will be our lucky day. I am 21 and looking for someone around my age, though I'm not too strict about it, at least on the older side, please be 18 at least. I'm looking to roleplay in a couple fandoms. Now, first off I must say I only roleplay canon characters. OCs have never quite to my liking as I find it so much more fun and interesting to play the characters that have made us fall in love with these franchises.
I roleplay through discord but am open to any other sites if you prefer them. I ask that you are literate. I like to be detailed, really paint a picture of a scene or delve deep into what our characters are thinking. I'm not asking for novella length posts (though I would LOVE if we could do that) but I do ask that you put passion into the writing, it is what makes this magical!
I give a great deal of importance to character development. I love to delve deep into what makes a character who they are, their motivation, their outlook on life, and the relationships they form with the people around them! There are a few exceptions, but most of the time romance always finds itself at the center or at least near the center of most of the stories I roleplay. I love slow burns, seeing the relationship between two characters evolve as they grow closer. Some of my other favorites tropes when writing is enemies to lovers and found family. I also love playing an ensemble cast! I love paying attention to side characters as much as main characters to the point where everyone feels like a rich character!
As for the story and plot itself, let's come up with something together! I am down to play any kind of storyline. Something original, AUs where our characters are together in a famous storyline of their own maybe? Anything goes!
Now, for OOC. I absolutely love chatting with my partners. This is a hobby! Let's enjoy it together! Talk about it, be friends! I love sharing any kind of art that inspires me or reminds me of our story, I'm a huge fan of music and will share songs that I think represent our characters. Let's not just be partners but friends as well!
Now, as for the actual fandoms here they are along with the characters I would like to play:
Star Wars: This one is perhaps the one I am craving the most. I would absolutely love to do a Han and Leia roleplay. Maybe an AU where they managed to all escape cloud city and are now being chased by the empire and Jabba, or right after return of the jedi as they rebuild the republic. I would love to focus on their early romance, their dynamic was always the best part of the movies and I wanna fully explore it. Now while this pairing is the main one I would like to do, there are a lot of other stories I'd like to explore! Hit me up and let me know what pairings you'd like to do and I'm sure we can work it out.
DC: This one has a lot of potential for really complex relationships I feel. I would love to do something like Batman and Catwoman or something more strange like Nightwing and Harley, I'm super open for any ideas you might have! Now I will say my knowledge of DC mostly extends to batman and a little of the teen titans, anything outside we can make work but it might be harder for me.
One Piece: While this is one of my favorite series of all time, I've always felt like the one thing it's been really missing since the early days is strong character development and relationships. I would love to explore any pairings that rise amongst the straw hats. My particular favorites are Usopp and Nami, Robin and Franky, Luffy and Nami, and one that I particularly would love to do is an AU where Vivi did end up going with them. I'd love to explore a romance with Luffy. Of course for a series like this we really have to humanize the characters more than they are originally, like Luffy would not be as unrealistically clueless as he is, or Nami wouldn't be as compulsively obsessed with money as she regularly is. Something a little more nuanced that allows us to develop our characters. But I think that would be a lot of fun!
If you are still here I thank you! And if you're interested send me a message! And please don't make it a simple "Hey wanna rp?" I most likely won't respond to messages like that. Let me know some of your ideas! What characters you'd like to play. Anything that's on your mind!

This post is the last post in a series looking at the massive amount of 'rhyming' recursivity I believe exists between (a) the homecoming of Petyr Baelish to the Fingers and (b) the homecoming of Theon Greyjoy to Pyke.
While this series/post can be read simply as a study 'for its own sake' of the curious recursion between these storylines, it is my belief that the 'rhyming' explored here between the stories of Petyr and Theon may exist (at least in part) to foreshadow that, like Theon, Petyr Littlefinger, is (among other things) a scion of ironborn kings, because Petyr is Hoare-ish: I.e. because Petyr's blood is (in some part) the blood of the ironborn kings of House Hoare of Orkmont and, later, Harrenhal.
This post is also post 25 of 25 in my broader series on the topic of a Hoare-ish Littlefinger, which is indexed [HERE].
Even if I'm wrong about Littlefinger's lineage, the 'rhyming' recursivity between the homecomings of Theon and Petyr detailed in this series remains, and certainly merits attention.
NOTE: In what follows, all uncited quotes are from ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Petyr's homecoming to his "Drearfort" tower of the 'Smallest Finger', or ACOK Theon I, which describes Theon's homecoming to "drear" Pyke.
As in past posts, I sometimes use "→" as shorthand for "'prefigures' and/or 'informs' and/or 'is reworked by' and/or 'finds a recursive rhyme in'.
As in: ACOK Theon I → ASOS Sansa VI.
This post picks up straight-away from where Part 9 left off. You can read Part 9 [HERE].
If you want to begin at the beginning, Part 1 is [HERE].

Aeron & Oswell

After Theon's homecoming chapter opens with Theon thinking "There was no safe anchorage at Pyke", which is copied nearly verbatim during Petyr's homecoming with Sansa, we see Theon anticipating his first glimpse of Pyke castle, and read this sentence:

Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.

That line proves to be a key part of a pun-tastic 'rhyme' between (a) Theon coming ashore from the Myraham and meeting Aeron and (b) Sansa coming ashore from the Merling King with the aid of Oswell.
I'll explain.
Note first that Oswell, who is…

…tall and gangling, with long white hair and a great hooked nose, with eyes shaded by a cowl [like a monk's cowl!]… (ACOK Theon V)

—clearly 'rhymes' with Aeron, an ascetic priest (see Oswell's monk-ish cowl) who is…

Tall and thin, with… a beak of a nose… [and] ropes of dried seaweed were braided through his waist-long black hair and untrimmed beard.

They're set up as yin and yang: Tall and similarly built with notable noses and long hair… but one has "long white hair", the other "long black hair", and Aeron has an "untrimmed beard" while Oswell is clean-shaven.
Aeron's beard is not simply a beard, though, but a beard with seaweed in it, which 'rhymes' with Oswell being not simply clean-shaven, but clean-shaven in a sea-faring way, as his "windburnt face"—

She studied the old man's lined windburnt face, hook nose, white hair, and huge knuckly hands. (ASOS Sansa VI)

—prefigures the "wind-chafed skin" of Aeron's niece Asha, which is tagged as typical of the sea-faring ironborn—

Ironborn, he knew at a glance; lean and long-legged, with… wind-chafed skin, strong sure hands….

—as are her notably "strong sure hands", which similarly 'rhyme' with Oswell's notably "huge knuckly hands".
SIDEBAR: As for Aeron's robes here being "green and grey" ("and blue"), this underlines that Petyr's oft-mentioned "grey-green" eyes are like the sea, which (as I've mentioned in previous posts) suggests per Archmaester Haereg's maxim—

"You may dress an ironman in silks and velvets, teach him to read and write and give him books, instruct him in chivalry and courtesy and the mysteries of the Faith… but when you look into his eyes, the sea will still be there, cold and grey and cruel." (TWOIAF)

—that Littlefinger is, at least in part, an ironman.
END SIDEBAR
The first thing we're told about Aeron after Theon realizes who he is is that "he washed up safe on shore"—

A memory prodded at Theon. In one of his rare curt letters, Lord Balon had written of his youngest brother going down in a storm, and turning holy when he washed up safe on shore. "Uncle Aeron?" he said doubtfully.

—which prefigures Oswell splashing his way ashore at the Smallest Finger:

Oswell and Lothor splashed their way ashore, as did Littlefinger himself.

(If Oswell is Aeron-ish, surely Petyr making like Oswell and splashing about in the surf here could foreshadow that he is Hoare-ish. And perhaps some kind of religious figure as well.)

Drawn Up Hoods

With that Oswell/Aeron 'rhyme' in mind, consider again that, as Theon approaches castle Pyke on the Myraham…

Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.

Sound familiar? That's because it's reworked when Sansa is rowed ashore by the "gangling", Aeron-esque Oswell:

Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore. Sansa huddled in the bow under her cloak with the hood drawn up against the wind….

When Sansa gets to shore, "two old men" help to make sure she doesn't get even a little bit wet—

The two old men waded out up to their thighs to lift Sansa from the boat so she would not get her skirts wet.

—which was, of course, exactly the thing Theon was trying to avoid back in ACOK when he "drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray", as Sansa drew hers "up against the wind" when Oswell rowed her in.

Gangplank → Gangling.

GRRM is just warming up. When Theon reaches Lordsport and disembarks from the Myraham, he, too, avoids getting wet. At least initially. Where Sansa uses "gangling" Oswell to come ashore, Theon uses… a "gangplank":

Without waiting for a reply [from Myraham's captain], he strode down the gangplank. "Innkeeper," he barked. "I require a horse".

Kneeling Servants

The innkeeper never gets Theon his horse, of course (of course), because Aeron shows up. And what does gangling white-haired Oswell's black-haired physical mirror Aeron do? He makes Theon get wet after all.

"Kneel."
The ground was all stones[!] and mud. "Uncle, I—"
"Kneel. Or are you too proud now, a lordling of the green lands come among us?"
Theon knelt. He had a purpose here, and might need Aeron's help to achieve it. A crown was worth a little mud and horseshit on his breeches, he supposed.
"Bow your head." Lifting the skin, his uncle pulled the cork and directed a thin stream of seawater down upon Theon's head. It drenched his hair and ran over his forehead into his eyes. Sheets washed down his cheeks, and a finger crept under his cloak and doublet and down his back, a cold rivulet along his spine. The salt made his eyes burn, until it was all he could do not to cry out. He could taste the ocean on his lips. "Let Theon your servant be born again from the sea, as you were," Aeron Greyjoy intoned. "Bless him with salt, bless him with stone, bless him with steel."

Note that Theon kneeling on "stones and mud… and horseshit" before a priest with "seaweed" in his beard is reworked even as Oswell rows Sansa ashore and she huddles in her cloak like Theon, when the Baelish household kneels on rocks covered by nasty seaweed and Sansa dodges sheepshit:

Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore. Sansa huddled in the bow under her cloak with the hood drawn up against the wind, wondering what awaited her. Servants emerged from the tower to meet them…. When they recognized Lord Petyr they knelt on the rocks.
[Petyr] led them up the strand over rocks slick with rotting seaweed. … Sansa had to step carefully; there were pellets [i.e. sheepshit] everywhere.

Blessings

Meanwhile, Aeron giving Theon his holy "bless[ing]" is reworked just before Sansa is rowed ashore, when Petyr asks for Sansa's "blessing" after he tells her they're not going to Winterfell and that he's going to wed Lysa:

"So silent, my lady?" said Petyr. "I was certain you would wish to give me your blessing. …"
"I . . . I pray you will have long years together, and many children, and be very happy in one another.

Sansa's reluctant acquiescence — both to giving the blessing and to going ashore and going along with Petyr's plan, which she had not anticipated — echoes Theon's reluctant acquiescence to both Aeron's blessing and Balon's plan of invasion, which he hadn't anticipated.
I suspect Littefinger was fed the line, "So silent, my lady?" before asking for Sansa's blessing as a nod to several pertinent silences in ACOK Theon I. First, the "sullen silence" of the Myraham's captain when he reluctantly acquiesces to Theon taking his would-be salt wife daughter below deck to get a blowjob; second, the "gloom of silence" between Theon and Aeron as they make the final approach to Pyke, post-blessing; and finally, Theon marking the absence of Euron's 'lady', Silence, as he sails into Lordsport:

Theon searched for his uncle Euron's Silence.

Truly, all things come round again.

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 1

But what about Aeron getting Theon pointedly wet? Aeron not only making Theon kneel but getting him wet and then riding with him to Pyke, is reworked (and reversed) not just by Oswell and Lothor rowing Sansa ashore — note the "rode" → "rowed" wordplay:

They [Aeron and Theon] rode in a gloom of silence.
Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore.

— and not just by Sansa being carried ashore and kept pointedly dry by two old men who were, seconds earlier, kneeling reverently on the seashore, but also by Aeron-ish Oswell helping Sansa "up" onto The Merling King from his rowboat while assuring her he won't let her fall into the sea, which he makes sure she doesn't:

The rower shipped the oars and helped Sansa to her feet. "Up now. Go on, girl, I got you." Sansa thanked him for his kindness, but received no answer but a grunt. It was much easier going up the rope ladder than it had been coming down the cliff. The oarsman Oswell followed close behind her… (ASOS Sansa V)

So: Where Oswell-ish Aeron forces Theon to kneel and then wets him down with seawater, ceremonially "drowning" him after he comes down the "gangplank", the "gangling" Aeron-ish Oswell helps Sansa "to her feet" and then "up" while promising not to let her fall in the sea, where she could drown.

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 2

Aeron forcing Theon to kneel and getting him wet before he "rode" with him to Pyke is also reworked/reversed inside Petyr's tower, when Sansa's 'other' rower Lothor protects Sansa from Marillion's rape attempt— from being (like Theon) forced to get "wet", so to speak:

"My blood is stirred. And yours, I know … there's no wench half so lusty as one bastard born. Are you wet for me?"
"I'm a maiden," she protested.
"Truly? Oh, Alayne, Alayne, my fair maid, give me the gift of your innocence.

The wetness motif is played up again:

"He put a hand on her breast, and squeezed. "Let's get you out of these wet clothes. You wouldn't want them ripped, I know. Come, sweet lady, heed your heart—"

He wants to "get [her] out of [her] wet clothes" so he can get her "wet", so to speak. But where Aeron forced Theon to "kneel" and get wet in language that suddenly reads as quite rapey and spine-chilling—

Sheets washed down his cheeks [which cheeks?], and a finger[!] crept under his cloak and doublet and down his back, a cold rivulet along his spine."

—before he "rode" with him to castle Pyke, Lothor Brune, who "rowed" Sansa ashore, keeps her safe and 'dry':

Sansa heard the soft sound of steel on leather. "Singer," a rough voice said, "best go, if you want to sing again." The light was dim, but she saw a faint glimmer of a blade.
The singer saw it too. "Find your own wench—" The knife flashed, and he cried out. "You cut me!"
"I'll do worse, if you don't go."
And quick as that, Marillion was gone. The other remained, looming over Sansa in the darkness. "Lord Petyr said watch out for you." It was Lothor Brune's voice, she realized.

Dagmer Cleftjaw → Lothor Brune

And what do you know? Oswell's rowing partner Lothor Brune is also prefigured by Theon's homecoming. Not by Aeron, but by Dagmer Cleftjaw, who Theon thinks of as he approaches Lordsport on the Myraham. In fact, there's a huge 'rhyme' between (a) Dagmer Cleftjaw and his "gut-churning scar", on the one hand, and (b) the beginning of ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Lothor Brune and Sansa's upset stomach (i.e. her churning guts) and seemingly permanently scarred psyche, on the other. I'll try to lay out now.
Consider first that as Theon approaches Lordsport on the Myraham, he goes below deck, where he thinks about Dagmer Cleftjaw (along with the sour-like-Aeron Sylas Sourmouth, who was discussed in Part 8):

As the Myraham made her way landward, Theon paced the deck restlessly, scanning the shore. He had not thought to find Lord Balon himself at quayside, but surely his father would have sent someone to meet him. Sylas Sourmouth the steward, Lord Botley, perhaps even Dagmer Cleftjaw. It would be good to look on Dagmer's hideous old face again.

We meet Dagmer in ACOK Theon III,

He smiled himself to show how it was done. It made for a hideous sight. Under a snowy white mane of hair, Dagmer Cleftjaw had the most gut-churning scar Theon had ever seen, the legacy of the longaxe that had near killed him as a boy. The blow had splintered his jaw, shattered his front teeth, and left him four lips where other men had but two. A shaggy beard covered his cheeks and neck, but the hair would not grow over the scar, so a shiny seam of puckered, twisted flesh divided his face like a crevasse through a snowfield "We could hear them singing," the old warrior said. "It was a good song, and they sang it bravely."
…Dagmer grinned more often and more broadly than Lord Balon ever had.
Ugly as it was, that smile brought back a hundred memories. Theon had seen it often as a boy, when he'd jumped a horse over a mossy wall, or flung an axe and split a target square. [More fond memories of Dagmer.]

We later learn that Dagmer is "fearsome" and a "fierce fighter" as well, despite being marked as aged by his "white mane of hair". (ADWD The King's Prize)
Dagmer's ship is named Foamdrinker, a double-entendre about ale-drinking, as he likes drinking, as well as reaving songs — especially the one a singer wrote about him:

He knew that would give Dagmer pause. A singer had made a song about the axe that cracked his jaw in half, and the old man loved to hear it. Whenever he was in his cups he would call for a reaving song, something loud and stormy that told of dead heroes and deeds of wild valor. (ACOK Theon III)

Balon puts Dagmer in Theon's reaving detachment. Theon foolishly resents this, not accepting that he is inexperienced and needs and could benefit enormously from a seasoned number two with whom he has a good relationship:

"You are to harry the Stony Shore, raiding the fishing villages and sinking any ships you chance to meet. … Aeron will accompany you, and Dagmer Cleftjaw."
…Theon felt as if he'd been slapped. He was being sent to do reaver's work, burning fishermen out of their hovels and raping their ugly daughters, and yet it seemed Lord Balon did not trust him sufficiently to do even that much. Bad enough to have to suffer the Damphair's scowls and chidings. With Dagmer Cleftjaw along as well, his command would be purely nominal. (ACOK Theon II)

Balon gives Theon Dagmer to help him, but Theon can only see it as an affront, so he tries to sideline him:

Dagmer Cleftjaw stood by the high carved prow of his longship, Foamdrinker. Theon had assigned him the task of guarding the ships; otherwise men would have called it Dagmer's victory, not his. A more prickly man might have taken that for a slight, but the Cleftjaw had only laughed. (ACOK Theon III)

That Splintery Ladder Again & Lothor's Hand Up

Now, remembering that we're introduced to Dagmer Cleftjaw while Theon is still aship en route to Pyke, consider again the first paragraph of Sansa VI, plus a bit more (which of course takes place while Petyr and Sansa are still aship en route to Petyr's Drearfort):

The ladder to the forecastle was steep and splintery, so Sansa accepted a hand up from Lothor Brune. Ser Lothor, she had to remind herself; the man had been knighted for his valor in the Battle of the Blackwater. Though no proper knight would wear those patched brown breeches and scuffed boots, nor that cracked and water-stained leather jerkin. A square-faced stocky man with a squashed nose and a mat of nappy grey hair, Brune spoke seldom. He is stronger than he looks, though. She could tell by the ease with which he lifted her, as if she weighed nothing at all. …
She had seldom ventured out on deck herself. Her little cabin was dank and cold, but Sansa had been sick for most of the voyage . . . sick with terror, sick with fever, or seasick . . . she could keep nothing down, and even sleep came hard. Whenever she closed her eyes she saw Joffrey… dying….
…Even this close to shore, the rolling of the ship made her tummy queasy.…
[Petyr] put a sympathetic arm about her shoulders. "Are you quite well? You look so pale."
"It's only my tummy. The seasickness."

We're subsequently reminded of Brune's "squashed nose" and "mat of nappy grey hair", and told of his "square jaw" and more:

With his squashed nose, square jaw, and nap of woolly grey hair, Brune could not be called comely, but he was not ugly either. … Sober, he was a quiet man, but a strong one. (AFFC Alayne II)

Recall too that Brune saves Sansa from Marillion, who tries to use her as Theon used the captain's daughter.
Having surveyed the field of (word)play, we can now see the 'rhyming':

• Where Theon goes below deck as he approaches Lordsport and thinks about Dagmer, whose jaw is (verbatim) "splintered", Sansa, with Brune's help, climbs up to the deck using a (verbatim) "splintered" ladder as she approaches the Drearfort.
  
• Where Theon spurns the 'hand up' Dagmer and his splintered jaw could have given him, "Sansa accept[s] a hand up from Lothor Brune" and climbs the "splintered" ladder.
  
• Where Theon think of the Cleftjaw, who has a "gut-churning scar", Sansa thinks about her literally churning guts — her upset "tummy".
  
• Where Theon thinks that Cleftjaw's "gut-churning scar" resulted from his being "near[ly] killed as a boy", Sansa's churning guts are related to the evident psychic scar she's suffered, which causes her to see a boy killed over and over again.
  
• Dagmer's "shattered" teeth and "splintered" jaw (and Dagmar being sent to "Torrhen's Square") → Brune's "squashed nose" and "square jaw"
  
• Where Dagmer is ironborn, and had his jaw "cracked… in half", Brune wears a "cracked and water-stained [as if from the sea]" jerkin.
  
• Dagmer's "snowy mane of white hair" → Brune's "mat of nappy grey hair"/"nap of woolly grey hair"
  
• Despite their 'old hair', Dagmer is "fierce" and "fearsome", Brune "strong".
  
• Where Dagmer's smile is "ugly" but nonetheless fills Theon with warm memories (defying its appearance), Brune, who "could not be called comely, but… was not ugly either", is "stronger than he looks".
  
• Where Dagmer "covered his cheeks and neck" with a beard but can't grow a 'proper' one due to his scar, which appears as a "seam", Brune doesn't look like a "proper knight" in his "patched… breeches" and "scuffed boots". (Note the sewing language — "seam" → "patched" — and the lexical similarity: "cheeks" → "breeches".)
  
• Both men seem to have a penchant for drink (per the implications of Sansa commenting on Brune's nature "when sober") and a foregrounded relationship with singers. (Where Dagmer loves singers and songs, Brune is in conflict with Marillion — although the deeds of "Lothor Apple-Eater" are likely sung of, like Dagmer's exploits.)
  

Thus just as the Aeron of Theon's homcoming 'rhymes' with the Oswell of Petyr's homecoming, so is Theon's Dagmer Cleftjaw reworked in the person of Petyr's Lothor Brune.
And thus everything about Petyr's homecoming continues to remind us of Theon's homecoming, which makes sense… if Petyr is likewise a scion of ironborn royalty (e.g. if he's Hoare-ish).

The End, and The Distinct Possibility That The Rhyme Between Petyr's and Theon's Homecomings Isn't (Just) About Petyr Being Hoare-ish, After All

That's it. That's all I got regarding the recursively 'rhyming' homecomings of Theon and Petyr. For me, the insane scope and depth of the 'rhyming' between Petyr's homecoming and the homcoming of a scion of ironborn kings is entirely consistent with my broader hypothesis: that the blood of ironborn kings likewise flows in the veins of Petyr Littlefinger — namely "the black blood" of House Hoare of Orkmont.
And yet . . .
It remains that notwithstanding that my Hoare-ish Littlefinger posts connected virtually everything we're told about House Hoare and its various historical kings with things we're told about Petyr Baelish, this (sub)series has detailed recursion not between Petyr and the Hoares, but between Petyr and Theon Greyjoy, who is like the Hoares in that his blood is that of ironborn kings, but who is, nonetheless, a Greyjoy.
It also remains that Theon is the grandson of Quellon Greyjoy, and that [as I show here] — or just scroll down, I'll reproduce that post in the comments — Quellon Greyjoy as described in both TWOIAF and in ASOIAF is nothing if not incredibly Hoare-esque, and not just because his policies and biography in TWOIAF 'rhyme' with the policies and biographies of various Hoare kings, but because ASOIAF proper subtly suggests he was something of a 'whore' in that AFFC makes it abundantly clear that Quellon was a prolific sperm cannon by repeating over and over that he sired nine sons we know of (on three different wives).
Recall that we saw in [Part 2 of the original 'Littlefinger is Hoare-ish' series] that Petyr is in certain striking respects similar to Balon, to Euron, to Aeron, to Asha, and even to Victarion.
This all gives rise to the question: Does all the 'rhyming' between the homecomings of Theon Greyjoy and Petyr Baelish as detailed in this series 'merely' (further) hint that Petyr is (literally) Hoare-ish, and hence that he is like Theon in that he, too, is the scion of ironborn kings?
Or do all the Petyr-Greyjoy connections, coupled with Quellon's foregrounded fecundity and the presence of a barely concealed metaphor for an ocean-based sperm (whale) cannon on Petyr's estate (alongside a reminder of invaders from the sea)—

There was one place where the tide came jetting up out of a blowhole to shoot thirty feet into the air, and another where someone had chiseled the seven-pointed star of the new gods upon a boulder. Petyr said that marked one of the places the Andals had landed, when they came across the sea to wrest the Vale from the First Men.

—hint that at some point during his travels, Quellon Greyjoy bedded Petyr's mother Alayne (or perhaps Petyr's father's mother), cuckolding her husband and impregnating her with Petyr (or Lord Baelish)?
Note that Quellon was a direct, analogous contemporary to Petyr's 'father': Both are said to have fought for the Targaryens in the War of the Ninepenny Kings.

The Mockingbird & The Cuckolding Cowbird

Here we must consider that Petyr's sigil is the mockingbird, and that certain species of mockingbirds (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long-tailed_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chilean_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White-banded_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northern_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalk-browed_mockingbird) are well-known as hosts for the [brood parasitism] of certain [cowbirds]. That is, it is well-known that mockingbirds frequently care for the eggs of cowbirds and feed the hatched chicks of cowbirds as if they were their own offspring.
In short, mockingbirds accept being cuckolded.
Recall here that the men of Pyke greeted Theon with "bovine [as in cow, as in the cowbirds that cuckold mockingbirds] eyes", and that the o.g. brood parasites are cuckoo birds, from whence we derive our term "cuckolding".
Recall, too, that the Greyjoy banner over Pyke weirdly takes on the appearance of a bird during Theon's homecoming, which I've just spent 10 posts comparing to Petyr's homecoming:

Above the Sea Tower snapped his father's banner. The Myraham was too far off for Theon to see more than the cloth itself, but he knew the device it bore: the golden kraken of House Greyjoy, arms writhing and reaching against a black field. The banner streamed from an iron mast, shivering and twisting as the wind gusted, like a bird struggling to take flight.

Thus the possibility that Petyr's nominal "father" Lord Baelish (or Petyr's nominal paternal "grandfather") was cuckolded by Quellon Greyjoy, the Hoare-esque sperm cannon from the land of cowbird-evoking "bovine eyes", whose sigil is likened to a bird, is right there in his mockingbird sigil.
Indeed, I very much wonder whether we're not told all about the super-pollinator Garth Greenhand in part as a 'rhyming' hint that Quellon Greyjoy was a super-pollinator who spread his "seed" amongst the ladies of what the ironborn call the "green lands".

The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo

The notion that Petyr's mockingbird sigil may nod to Petyr's supposed father (or supposed paternal grandfather) getting cuckolded by Quellon Greyjoy reminds me of a song brought to my attention by MaxPayload: The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo was recorded in the 1930s by at least two acts, including the British movie star [Gracie Fields] — the highest paid film actress in the world c. 1937 — and an act called "The Two Gilberts".
[HERE] is a link to the Fields version.
To say the lyrics of the song remind me of Littlefinger's story is if anything an understatement, beginning with the opening image of "a lovesick youth and maiden":

A lovesick youth and maiden (down on the farm)
With hearts so heavy laden (down on the farm)
They held each other's hands and looked into each other's eye
And started to tell each other lies

To say the least, Littlefinger is closely identified with being a lovesick youth and with lying (including about his sexploits with the sisters Tully). And notably, he and Sansa practically begin their relationship by agreeing to lie about her being his daughter. (Sansa's heart is notably 'heavy laden' when this happens upon arrival at Littlefinger's tower — and sheep farm.)
Regarding the "down on the farm" setting, ASOIAF makes regular reference to the bountiful crops and rich farmlands of the Tullys' Riverlands, and we see the courtyards of Riverrun "teem[ing] with… cows, sheep, and chickens" in ACOK Catelyn V.
The song continues with a first kiss "by the cowshed door" (recalling that we're told that Petyr's estate has "a sheepfold"):

He kissed her by the cowshed door
She said "I've not been kissed before"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

Petyr was, of course, Lysa's first kiss, and probably Catelyn's as well, as well as Lysa's first fuck (regarding which, rest assured that the song gets deep into sexual double-entendre soon enough):

[O]ver there, beneath that bower, she and Lysa had played at kissing with Petyr.
She had not thought of that in years. How young they all had been—she no older than Sansa, Lysa younger than Arya, and Petyr younger still, yet eager. The girls had traded him between them, serious and giggling by turns. It came back to her so vividly she could almost feel his sweaty fingers on her shoulders and taste the mint on his breath. There was always mint growing in the godswood, and Petyr had liked to chew it. He had been such a bold little boy, always in trouble. "He tried to put his tongue in my mouth," Catelyn had confessed to her sister afterward, when they were alone. "He did with me too," Lysa had whispered, shy and breathless. "I liked it." (AGOT Catelyn XI)
"Petyr's breath is always fresh … he was the first man I ever kissed, you know." -Lysa (ASOS Sansa VI)

Next we see the maiden tease the eager "lovesick youth", as Cat ostensibly teased Petyr:

He said "My love I'll swear to you"
She said "I'll smack you if you do"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly, said "Oh how you tease me"
"I'm so shy, I'm so shy, when you start to squeeze me"
He said "Come tell me pretty miss"
"Where did you learn to squeeze and kiss"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

I'd heard the name "Nellie Bly" before in the version of Frankie & Johnny recorded by the legendary father of country music, [Jimmie Rodgers], so hearing it again made me look it up. It turns out the name in both songs was borrowed from [a world-famous American journalist]. (Recall that GRRM went to school for journalism.)
The real Nellie Bly first became famous for writing an expose of conditions in a lunatic asylum for women in New York City. Her fame redoubled after she traveled around the world in 1889. She went on to write pulp serial novels and — notably, given Petyr's apparent designs on Sansa — to wed a much older millionaire man named . . . (wait for it) . . . "Seaman".
(Obviously "Seaman" resonates with the idea that Petyr is ironborn, with the sea in his eyes, and with the sperm-whale like "blowhole" on Petyr's lands, which recalls Theon's foregrounded semen from ACOK Theon I. It likewise suggests a reading of the song per which an older "Seaman" is seducing the "Nellie Bly". Could this presage Quellon seducing original Alayne, who I happen to believe has very intrepid genes herself?)
Anyway, back in the song, things take a "dark" turn:

She said "I love the twilight," down on the farm
Said he, "The dark is my light," down on the farm

My original Hoare-ish Littlefinger series highlighted various ways in which Petyr Baelish is Satan/Lucifedemon-coded, so the lovesick boy saying "The dark is my light" absolutely leaps out to me.
Especially because the couplet it's part of smells like it may well have informed a certain infamous exchange:

"Are you the Sword of the Morning now?"
"No. Men call me Darkstar, and I am of the night." (AFFC The Queenmaker)

Consider that the Sword of the Morning wields dawn, which colloquially coincides with (the maiden's preferred) morning "twilight", while we are clearly supposed to suspect that "Darkstar" (who is "of the night" a la the lovesick boy) — who is for some reason "the most dangerous man in Dorne" and who apparently resembles a "Dragonlord" — was sired by Aerys during his 270 visit to Dorne, with Aerys cuckolding, presumably, a man of House Dayne. (AFFC The Princess in the Tower; The Queenmaker) Note the double-entendre of laying pipe here — life-giving, fertilizing pipe, no less:

In 270 AC, during a visit to Sunspear, he told the Princess of Dorne that he would "make the Dornish deserts bloom" by digging a great underground canal beneath the mountains to bring water down from the rainwood. (TWOIAF)

There's a clear symmetry between the notion that Aeyrs cuckolded a Dayne to produce Darkstar and the idea that the noted Aerys-supporter and loyalist Quellon Greyjoy cuckolded a war hero small lord on the Fingers to produce Littlefinger. Doubly so if Littlefinger's mother was (as I have speculated elsewhere) the daughter of Duncan "the Small" Targaryen, Prince of Dragonflies.
If that couplet (in a song that otherwise smells Littlefingerian) reminds us of Darkstar, isn't it curious that the basic structure of Darkstar's implied origin (in the cuckolding of a small lord by a far greater lord) may (also/instead?) apply to Littlefinger's origin?
Back to The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo. The next line reads like a reference to Lysa's opinion of Petyr:

Said she "You seem to big and brave and mighty strong to me."

Compare with Lysa's very personal opinion of Petyr:

"He may not look as tall or strong as some, but he is worth more than all of them." (ASOS Sansa VI)

The song's next line is wild given Petyr and Lysa's history with moon tea (a tea brewed with certain plants not used in ordinary tea) and especially my conviction that [Petyr dosed Sansa with moon tea] during their voyage on the Merling King so as to make sure she was not pregnant with Tyrion's child:

Said he "Yes, I had onions for my tea."

(By the way, onions in ASOIAF are of course all about Davos. And who do I think Davos is? A possible Hoare-son or Quellon-son, and the Sailor's Wife's sailor, i.e. a sailor who sired a child and abandoned the mother, as, perhaps, Quellon sired Petyr on original-Alayne before leaving her to raise him on the Smallest Finger. Surely coincidence . . . unless this strange, weird old song has been informing George's Song since the mid-1990s.)
The lyrics continue with more Catelyn-esque teasing:

He said "I love you, yes I do"
She said to him "Oh yeah, says you?"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
He said "You're sweet beyond belief!"
Said she "You said it! OK, chief!"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

The lovesick boy is then encouraged to "walk 'round the houses"—

Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly, said "Walk 'round the houses"

—which 'just so happens' to recall rather closely Petyr and Sansa's sight-seeing tour of his lands, when "Petyr walked with her around his holdings", which include not just houses, but a symbolic sperm cannon and a reminder that foreigners sometimes land on these shores:

When the rains let up, Petyr walked with her around his holdings, which took less than half a day. He owned a lot of rocks, just as he had said. There was one place where the tide came jetting up out of a blowhole to shoot thirty feet into the air, and another where someone had chiseled the seven-pointed star of the new gods upon a boulder. Petyr said that marked one of the places the Andals had landed, when they came across the sea to wrest the Vale from the First Men.
Farther inland a dozen families lived in huts of piled stone beside a peat bog.

The song then references farm work and (via double-entendre) sex:

"Just while I, just while I go and milk the cowses"

Milk cows are, of course, linked to wet nursing and babies. And remember: It's cowbirds who make like cuckoos and cuckold mockingbirds.
The double-entendre gradually becomes obvious:

As they sat 'neath the stars above
She says to him "Oh, what is love?
And the mockingbird went hee-haw and the donkey went cuckoo [note the reversal!]
Well she sat there and milked the cow [lol]
"I'll do my bit" said he, "and how!" [lmao]
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
He found an old three-legged stool
And sat right down to milk the bull [come on!]
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

A milked bull? Quellon's son Victarion is linkened to a bull. Was Victarion's sire "milked" of his "seed" by Alayne Baelish? Did Quellon not only marry a woman of House Stonetree, but bone a woman wed to a man whose sigil was a "stone head"?
Regarding that "three-legged stool", recall that the dragon must have three heads, that a cuckolder turns a partnership into a three-legged affair, so to speak, and that a man with a large penis (see: "Littlefinger"?) is sometimes said to have [a third leg].
From there the song grows only more suspicious as potential inspiration, as it makes explicit reference to concealed paternity, and implicitly to an improper sexual relationship involving a "father" (which see Littlefinger and "Alayne"):

Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly went all in a lather
Began to cry, shouting "Why, that's the cow's father!"
He turned white and looked surprised
Then to the bull apologized
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

The closing line about apologizing to the bull resonates with Petyr's dealings with Hoster, and perhaps with cuckoldry as well, as a trespass against patriarchal rights of possession over a woman.
The foregoing represents the seemingly better known Gracie Fields version. [The Two Gilberts version] is mostly the same, save for a few passages in the middle.
Sidebar: Regarding "The Two Gilberts", there 'just so happens' to be exactly two Gilberts in the ASOIAF canon.
One of ASOIAF's two Gilberts 'just so happens' to be one of the legendary scions of legendary sperm cannon and possibly Quellon Greyjoy analogue Garth Greenhand, Gilbert of the Vines, who 'just so happens' to be responsible for all that good Arbor wine Petyr loves so.
The other Gilbert is Gilbert Farring, who Stannis tells us "holds Storm's End for me". (ASOS Davos IV) Repeating that: ASOIAF'S second Gilbert "holds" something that belongs to Stannis in lieu of Stannis holding it himself. Almost like he's cuckolding him.
There are two other Farrings (like Gilbert) in the canon. One is Godry, "the Giantslayer", which sounds like something one might nickname a guy who cuckolded a guy with the Titan of Braavos on his shield. The other is Annara Farring. She was Lord Frey's seventh wife, and guess what she 'just so happens' to be known for? If you said "cuckolding her lordly husband", congratulations. And guess how we're told that? Via, of all things under the sun, a milk cow analogy:

[Black Walder had] had Edwyn's wife too, that was common knowledge, Fair Walda had been known to slip into his bed from time to time, and some even said he'd known the seventh Lady Frey [Annara Farring] a deal better than he should have. Small wonder he refused to marry. Why buy a cow when there were udders all around begging to be milked? (ASOS Epilogue)

(It was at this point that I went from "Maybe George has heard this song" to "George is 100% familiar with this song.")
End Sidebar
Right after the line about the onion tea, The Two Gilberts version sees the lovesick boy promise riches and wealth, recalling Petyr's lifelong interest in making money:

He said "I'll buy you furs and gems"
"And all the pretty thees[?] and thems[?]"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

CONTINUED & CONCLUDED IN OLDEST REPLY, BELOW or HERE

This post is the last post in a series looking at the massive amount of 'rhyming' recursivity I believe exists between (a) the homecoming of Petyr Baelish to the Fingers and (b) the homecoming of Theon Greyjoy to Pyke.
While this series/post can be read simply as a study 'for its own sake' of the curious recursion between these storylines, it is my belief that the 'rhyming' explored here between the stories of Petyr and Theon may exist (at least in part) to foreshadow that, like Theon, Petyr Littlefinger, is (among other things) a scion of ironborn kings, because Petyr is Hoare-ish: I.e. because Petyr's blood is (in some part) the blood of the ironborn kings of House Hoare of Orkmont and, later, Harrenhal.
This post is also post 25 of 25 in my broader series on the topic of a Hoare-ish Littlefinger, which is indexed [HERE].
Even if I'm wrong about Littlefinger's lineage, the 'rhyming' recursivity between the homecomings of Theon and Petyr detailed in this series remains, and certainly merits attention.
NOTE: In what follows, all uncited quotes are from ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Petyr's homecoming to his "Drearfort" tower of the 'Smallest Finger', or ACOK Theon I, which describes Theon's homecoming to "drear" Pyke.
As in past posts, I sometimes use "→" as shorthand for "'prefigures' and/or 'informs' and/or 'is reworked by' and/or 'finds a recursive rhyme in'.
As in: ACOK Theon I → ASOS Sansa VI.
This post picks up straight-away from where Part 9 left off. You can read Part 9 [HERE].
If you want to begin at the beginning, Part 1 is [HERE].

Aeron & Oswell

After Theon's homecoming chapter opens with Theon thinking "There was no safe anchorage at Pyke", which is copied nearly verbatim during Petyr's homecoming with Sansa, we see Theon anticipating his first glimpse of Pyke castle, and read this sentence:

Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.

That line proves to be a key part of a pun-tastic 'rhyme' between (a) Theon coming ashore from the Myraham and meeting Aeron and (b) Sansa coming ashore from the Merling King with the aid of Oswell.
I'll explain.
Note first that Oswell, who is…

…tall and gangling, with long white hair and a great hooked nose, with eyes shaded by a cowl [like a monk's cowl!]… (ACOK Theon V)

—clearly 'rhymes' with Aeron, an ascetic priest (see Oswell's monk-ish cowl) who is…

Tall and thin, with… a beak of a nose… [and] ropes of dried seaweed were braided through his waist-long black hair and untrimmed beard.

They're set up as yin and yang: Tall and similarly built with notable noses and long hair… but one has "long white hair", the other "long black hair", and Aeron has an "untrimmed beard" while Oswell is clean-shaven.
Aeron's beard is not simply a beard, though, but a beard with seaweed in it, which 'rhymes' with Oswell being not simply clean-shaven, but clean-shaven in a sea-faring way, as his "windburnt face"—

She studied the old man's lined windburnt face, hook nose, white hair, and huge knuckly hands. (ASOS Sansa VI)

—prefigures the "wind-chafed skin" of Aeron's niece Asha, which is tagged as typical of the sea-faring ironborn—

Ironborn, he knew at a glance; lean and long-legged, with… wind-chafed skin, strong sure hands….

—as are her notably "strong sure hands", which similarly 'rhyme' with Oswell's notably "huge knuckly hands".
SIDEBAR: As for Aeron's robes here being "green and grey" ("and blue"), this underlines that Petyr's oft-mentioned "grey-green" eyes are like the sea, which (as I've mentioned in previous posts) suggests per Archmaester Haereg's maxim—

"You may dress an ironman in silks and velvets, teach him to read and write and give him books, instruct him in chivalry and courtesy and the mysteries of the Faith… but when you look into his eyes, the sea will still be there, cold and grey and cruel." (TWOIAF)

—that Littlefinger is, at least in part, an ironman.
END SIDEBAR
The first thing we're told about Aeron after Theon realizes who he is is that "he washed up safe on shore"—

A memory prodded at Theon. In one of his rare curt letters, Lord Balon had written of his youngest brother going down in a storm, and turning holy when he washed up safe on shore. "Uncle Aeron?" he said doubtfully.

—which prefigures Oswell splashing his way ashore at the Smallest Finger:

Oswell and Lothor splashed their way ashore, as did Littlefinger himself.

(If Oswell is Aeron-ish, surely Petyr making like Oswell and splashing about in the surf here could foreshadow that he is Hoare-ish. And perhaps some kind of religious figure as well.)

Drawn Up Hoods

With that Oswell/Aeron 'rhyme' in mind, consider again that, as Theon approaches castle Pyke on the Myraham…

Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.

Sound familiar? That's because it's reworked when Sansa is rowed ashore by the "gangling", Aeron-esque Oswell:

Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore. Sansa huddled in the bow under her cloak with the hood drawn up against the wind….

When Sansa gets to shore, "two old men" help to make sure she doesn't get even a little bit wet—

The two old men waded out up to their thighs to lift Sansa from the boat so she would not get her skirts wet.

—which was, of course, exactly the thing Theon was trying to avoid back in ACOK when he "drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray", as Sansa drew hers "up against the wind" when Oswell rowed her in.

Gangplank → Gangling.

GRRM is just warming up. When Theon reaches Lordsport and disembarks from the Myraham, he, too, avoids getting wet. At least initially. Where Sansa uses "gangling" Oswell to come ashore, Theon uses… a "gangplank":

Without waiting for a reply [from Myraham's captain], he strode down the gangplank. "Innkeeper," he barked. "I require a horse".

Kneeling Servants

The innkeeper never gets Theon his horse, of course (of course), because Aeron shows up. And what does gangling white-haired Oswell's black-haired physical mirror Aeron do? He makes Theon get wet after all.

"Kneel."
The ground was all stones[!] and mud. "Uncle, I—"
"Kneel. Or are you too proud now, a lordling of the green lands come among us?"
Theon knelt. He had a purpose here, and might need Aeron's help to achieve it. A crown was worth a little mud and horseshit on his breeches, he supposed.
"Bow your head." Lifting the skin, his uncle pulled the cork and directed a thin stream of seawater down upon Theon's head. It drenched his hair and ran over his forehead into his eyes. Sheets washed down his cheeks, and a finger crept under his cloak and doublet and down his back, a cold rivulet along his spine. The salt made his eyes burn, until it was all he could do not to cry out. He could taste the ocean on his lips. "Let Theon your servant be born again from the sea, as you were," Aeron Greyjoy intoned. "Bless him with salt, bless him with stone, bless him with steel."

Note that Theon kneeling on "stones and mud… and horseshit" before a priest with "seaweed" in his beard is reworked even as Oswell rows Sansa ashore and she huddles in her cloak like Theon, when the Baelish household kneels on rocks covered by nasty seaweed and Sansa dodges sheepshit:

Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore. Sansa huddled in the bow under her cloak with the hood drawn up against the wind, wondering what awaited her. Servants emerged from the tower to meet them…. When they recognized Lord Petyr they knelt on the rocks.
[Petyr] led them up the strand over rocks slick with rotting seaweed. … Sansa had to step carefully; there were pellets [i.e. sheepshit] everywhere.

Blessings

Meanwhile, Aeron giving Theon his holy "bless[ing]" is reworked just before Sansa is rowed ashore, when Petyr asks for Sansa's "blessing" after he tells her they're not going to Winterfell and that he's going to wed Lysa:

"So silent, my lady?" said Petyr. "I was certain you would wish to give me your blessing. …"
"I . . . I pray you will have long years together, and many children, and be very happy in one another.

Sansa's reluctant acquiescence — both to giving the blessing and to going ashore and going along with Petyr's plan, which she had not anticipated — echoes Theon's reluctant acquiescence to both Aeron's blessing and Balon's plan of invasion, which he hadn't anticipated.
I suspect Littefinger was fed the line, "So silent, my lady?" before asking for Sansa's blessing as a nod to several pertinent silences in ACOK Theon I. First, the "sullen silence" of the Myraham's captain when he reluctantly acquiesces to Theon taking his would-be salt wife daughter below deck to get a blowjob; second, the "gloom of silence" between Theon and Aeron as they make the final approach to Pyke, post-blessing; and finally, Theon marking the absence of Euron's 'lady', Silence, as he sails into Lordsport:

Theon searched for his uncle Euron's Silence.

Truly, all things come round again.

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 1

But what about Aeron getting Theon pointedly wet? Aeron not only making Theon kneel but getting him wet and then riding with him to Pyke, is reworked (and reversed) not just by Oswell and Lothor rowing Sansa ashore — note the "rode" → "rowed" wordplay:

They [Aeron and Theon] rode in a gloom of silence.
Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore.

— and not just by Sansa being carried ashore and kept pointedly dry by two old men who were, seconds earlier, kneeling reverently on the seashore, but also by Aeron-ish Oswell helping Sansa "up" onto The Merling King from his rowboat while assuring her he won't let her fall into the sea, which he makes sure she doesn't:

The rower shipped the oars and helped Sansa to her feet. "Up now. Go on, girl, I got you." Sansa thanked him for his kindness, but received no answer but a grunt. It was much easier going up the rope ladder than it had been coming down the cliff. The oarsman Oswell followed close behind her… (ASOS Sansa V)

So: Where Oswell-ish Aeron forces Theon to kneel and then wets him down with seawater, ceremonially "drowning" him after he comes down the "gangplank", the "gangling" Aeron-ish Oswell helps Sansa "to her feet" and then "up" while promising not to let her fall in the sea, where she could drown.

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 2

Aeron forcing Theon to kneel and getting him wet before he "rode" with him to Pyke is also reworked/reversed inside Petyr's tower, when Sansa's 'other' rower Lothor protects Sansa from Marillion's rape attempt— from being (like Theon) forced to get "wet", so to speak:

"My blood is stirred. And yours, I know … there's no wench half so lusty as one bastard born. Are you wet for me?"
"I'm a maiden," she protested.
"Truly? Oh, Alayne, Alayne, my fair maid, give me the gift of your innocence.

The wetness motif is played up again:

"He put a hand on her breast, and squeezed. "Let's get you out of these wet clothes. You wouldn't want them ripped, I know. Come, sweet lady, heed your heart—"

He wants to "get [her] out of [her] wet clothes" so he can get her "wet", so to speak. But where Aeron forced Theon to "kneel" and get wet in language that suddenly reads as quite rapey and spine-chilling—

Sheets washed down his cheeks [which cheeks?], and a finger[!] crept under his cloak and doublet and down his back, a cold rivulet along his spine."

—before he "rode" with him to castle Pyke, Lothor Brune, who "rowed" Sansa ashore, keeps her safe and 'dry':

Sansa heard the soft sound of steel on leather. "Singer," a rough voice said, "best go, if you want to sing again." The light was dim, but she saw a faint glimmer of a blade.
The singer saw it too. "Find your own wench—" The knife flashed, and he cried out. "You cut me!"
"I'll do worse, if you don't go."
And quick as that, Marillion was gone. The other remained, looming over Sansa in the darkness. "Lord Petyr said watch out for you." It was Lothor Brune's voice, she realized.

Dagmer Cleftjaw → Lothor Brune

And what do you know? Oswell's rowing partner Lothor Brune is also prefigured by Theon's homecoming. Not by Aeron, but by Dagmer Cleftjaw, who Theon thinks of as he approaches Lordsport on the Myraham. In fact, there's a huge 'rhyme' between (a) Dagmer Cleftjaw and his "gut-churning scar", on the one hand, and (b) the beginning of ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Lothor Brune and Sansa's upset stomach (i.e. her churning guts) and seemingly permanently scarred psyche, on the other. I'll try to lay out now.
Consider first that as Theon approaches Lordsport on the Myraham, he goes below deck, where he thinks about Dagmer Cleftjaw (along with the sour-like-Aeron Sylas Sourmouth, who was discussed in Part 8):

As the Myraham made her way landward, Theon paced the deck restlessly, scanning the shore. He had not thought to find Lord Balon himself at quayside, but surely his father would have sent someone to meet him. Sylas Sourmouth the steward, Lord Botley, perhaps even Dagmer Cleftjaw. It would be good to look on Dagmer's hideous old face again.

We meet Dagmer in ACOK Theon III,

He smiled himself to show how it was done. It made for a hideous sight. Under a snowy white mane of hair, Dagmer Cleftjaw had the most gut-churning scar Theon had ever seen, the legacy of the longaxe that had near killed him as a boy. The blow had splintered his jaw, shattered his front teeth, and left him four lips where other men had but two. A shaggy beard covered his cheeks and neck, but the hair would not grow over the scar, so a shiny seam of puckered, twisted flesh divided his face like a crevasse through a snowfield "We could hear them singing," the old warrior said. "It was a good song, and they sang it bravely."
…Dagmer grinned more often and more broadly than Lord Balon ever had.
Ugly as it was, that smile brought back a hundred memories. Theon had seen it often as a boy, when he'd jumped a horse over a mossy wall, or flung an axe and split a target square. [More fond memories of Dagmer.]

We later learn that Dagmer is "fearsome" and a "fierce fighter" as well, despite being marked as aged by his "white mane of hair". (ADWD The King's Prize)
Dagmer's ship is named Foamdrinker, a double-entendre about ale-drinking, as he likes drinking, as well as reaving songs — especially the one a singer wrote about him:

He knew that would give Dagmer pause. A singer had made a song about the axe that cracked his jaw in half, and the old man loved to hear it. Whenever he was in his cups he would call for a reaving song, something loud and stormy that told of dead heroes and deeds of wild valor. (ACOK Theon III)

Balon puts Dagmer in Theon's reaving detachment. Theon foolishly resents this, not accepting that he is inexperienced and needs and could benefit enormously from a seasoned number two with whom he has a good relationship:

"You are to harry the Stony Shore, raiding the fishing villages and sinking any ships you chance to meet. … Aeron will accompany you, and Dagmer Cleftjaw."
…Theon felt as if he'd been slapped. He was being sent to do reaver's work, burning fishermen out of their hovels and raping their ugly daughters, and yet it seemed Lord Balon did not trust him sufficiently to do even that much. Bad enough to have to suffer the Damphair's scowls and chidings. With Dagmer Cleftjaw along as well, his command would be purely nominal. (ACOK Theon II)

Balon gives Theon Dagmer to help him, but Theon can only see it as an affront, so he tries to sideline him:

Dagmer Cleftjaw stood by the high carved prow of his longship, Foamdrinker. Theon had assigned him the task of guarding the ships; otherwise men would have called it Dagmer's victory, not his. A more prickly man might have taken that for a slight, but the Cleftjaw had only laughed. (ACOK Theon III)

That Splintery Ladder Again & Lothor's Hand Up

Now, remembering that we're introduced to Dagmer Cleftjaw while Theon is still aship en route to Pyke, consider again the first paragraph of Sansa VI, plus a bit more (which of course takes place while Petyr and Sansa are still aship en route to Petyr's Drearfort):

The ladder to the forecastle was steep and splintery, so Sansa accepted a hand up from Lothor Brune. Ser Lothor, she had to remind herself; the man had been knighted for his valor in the Battle of the Blackwater. Though no proper knight would wear those patched brown breeches and scuffed boots, nor that cracked and water-stained leather jerkin. A square-faced stocky man with a squashed nose and a mat of nappy grey hair, Brune spoke seldom. He is stronger than he looks, though. She could tell by the ease with which he lifted her, as if she weighed nothing at all. …
She had seldom ventured out on deck herself. Her little cabin was dank and cold, but Sansa had been sick for most of the voyage . . . sick with terror, sick with fever, or seasick . . . she could keep nothing down, and even sleep came hard. Whenever she closed her eyes she saw Joffrey… dying….
…Even this close to shore, the rolling of the ship made her tummy queasy.…
[Petyr] put a sympathetic arm about her shoulders. "Are you quite well? You look so pale."
"It's only my tummy. The seasickness."

We're subsequently reminded of Brune's "squashed nose" and "mat of nappy grey hair", and told of his "square jaw" and more:

With his squashed nose, square jaw, and nap of woolly grey hair, Brune could not be called comely, but he was not ugly either. … Sober, he was a quiet man, but a strong one. (AFFC Alayne II)

Recall too that Brune saves Sansa from Marillion, who tries to use her as Theon used the captain's daughter.
Having surveyed the field of (word)play, we can now see the 'rhyming':

• Where Theon goes below deck as he approaches Lordsport and thinks about Dagmer, whose jaw is (verbatim) "splintered", Sansa, with Brune's help, climbs up to the deck using a (verbatim) "splintered" ladder as she approaches the Drearfort.
  
• Where Theon spurns the 'hand up' Dagmer and his splintered jaw could have given him, "Sansa accept[s] a hand up from Lothor Brune" and climbs the "splintered" ladder.
  
• Where Theon think of the Cleftjaw, who has a "gut-churning scar", Sansa thinks about her literally churning guts — her upset "tummy".
  
• Where Theon thinks that Cleftjaw's "gut-churning scar" resulted from his being "near[ly] killed as a boy", Sansa's churning guts are related to the evident psychic scar she's suffered, which causes her to see a boy killed over and over again.
  
• Dagmer's "shattered" teeth and "splintered" jaw (and Dagmar being sent to "Torrhen's Square") → Brune's "squashed nose" and "square jaw"
  
• Where Dagmer is ironborn, and had his jaw "cracked… in half", Brune wears a "cracked and water-stained [as if from the sea]" jerkin.
  
• Dagmer's "snowy mane of white hair" → Brune's "mat of nappy grey hair"/"nap of woolly grey hair"
  
• Despite their 'old hair', Dagmer is "fierce" and "fearsome", Brune "strong".
  
• Where Dagmer's smile is "ugly" but nonetheless fills Theon with warm memories (defying its appearance), Brune, who "could not be called comely, but… was not ugly either", is "stronger than he looks".
  
• Where Dagmer "covered his cheeks and neck" with a beard but can't grow a 'proper' one due to his scar, which appears as a "seam", Brune doesn't look like a "proper knight" in his "patched… breeches" and "scuffed boots". (Note the sewing language — "seam" → "patched" — and the lexical similarity: "cheeks" → "breeches".)
  
• Both men seem to have a penchant for drink (per the implications of Sansa commenting on Brune's nature "when sober") and a foregrounded relationship with singers. (Where Dagmer loves singers and songs, Brune is in conflict with Marillion — although the deeds of "Lothor Apple-Eater" are likely sung of, like Dagmer's exploits.)
  

Thus just as the Aeron of Theon's homcoming 'rhymes' with the Oswell of Petyr's homecoming, so is Theon's Dagmer Cleftjaw reworked in the person of Petyr's Lothor Brune.
And thus everything about Petyr's homecoming continues to remind us of Theon's homecoming, which makes sense… if Petyr is likewise a scion of ironborn royalty (e.g. if he's Hoare-ish).

The End, and The Distinct Possibility That The Rhyme Between Petyr's and Theon's Homecomings Isn't (Just) About Petyr Being Hoare-ish, After All

That's it. That's all I got regarding the recursively 'rhyming' homecomings of Theon and Petyr. For me, the insane scope and depth of the 'rhyming' between Petyr's homecoming and the homcoming of a scion of ironborn kings is entirely consistent with my broader hypothesis: that the blood of ironborn kings likewise flows in the veins of Petyr Littlefinger — namely "the black blood" of House Hoare of Orkmont.
And yet . . .
It remains that notwithstanding that my Hoare-ish Littlefinger posts connected virtually everything we're told about House Hoare and its various historical kings with things we're told about Petyr Baelish, this (sub)series has detailed recursion not between Petyr and the Hoares, but between Petyr and Theon Greyjoy, who is like the Hoares in that his blood is that of ironborn kings, but who is, nonetheless, a Greyjoy.
It also remains that Theon is the grandson of Quellon Greyjoy, and that [as I show here] — or just scroll down, I'll reproduce that post in the comments — Quellon Greyjoy as described in both TWOIAF and in ASOIAF is nothing if not incredibly Hoare-esque, and not just because his policies and biography in TWOIAF 'rhyme' with the policies and biographies of various Hoare kings, but because ASOIAF proper subtly suggests he was something of a 'whore' in that AFFC makes it abundantly clear that Quellon was a prolific sperm cannon by repeating over and over that he sired nine sons we know of (on three different wives).
Recall, too, that we saw in [Part 2 of the original 'Littlefinger is Hoare-ish' series] that Petyr is in certain striking respects similar to Balon, to Euron, to Aeron, to Asha, and even to Victarion.
This all gives rise to the question: Does all the 'rhyming' between the homecomings of Theon Greyjoy and Petyr Baelish as detailed in this series 'merely' (further) hint that Petyr is (literally) Hoare-ish, and hence that he is like Theon in that he, too, is the scion of ironborn kings?
Or do all the Petyr-Greyjoy connections, coupled with Quellon's foregrounded fecundity and the presence of a barely concealed metaphor for an ocean-based sperm (whale) cannon on Petyr's estate (alongside a reminder of invaders from the sea)—

There was one place where the tide came jetting up out of a blowhole to shoot thirty feet into the air, and another where someone had chiseled the seven-pointed star of the new gods upon a boulder. Petyr said that marked one of the places the Andals had landed, when they came across the sea to wrest the Vale from the First Men.

—hint that at some point during his travels, Quellon Greyjoy bedded Petyr's mother Alayne (or perhaps Petyr's father's mother), cuckolding her husband and impregnating her with Petyr (or Lord Baelish)?
Note that Quellon was a direct, analogous contemporary to Petyr's 'father': Both are said to have fought for the Targaryens in the War of the Ninepenny Kings.

The Mockingbird & The Cuckolding Cowbird

Here we must consider that Petyr's sigil is the mockingbird, and that certain species of mockingbirds (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long-tailed_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chilean_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White-banded_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northern_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalk-browed_mockingbird) are well-known as hosts for the [brood parasitism] of certain [cowbirds]. That is, it is well-known that mockingbirds frequently care for the eggs of cowbirds and feed the hatched chicks of cowbirds as if they were their own offspring.
In short, mockingbirds accept being cuckolded.
Recall here that the men of Pyke greeted Theon with "bovine [as in cow, as in the cowbirds that cuckold mockingbirds] eyes", and that the o.g. brood parasites are cuckoo birds, from whence we derive our term "cuckolding".
Recall, too, that the Greyjoy banner over Pyke weirdly takes on the appearance of a bird during Theon's homecoming, which I've just spent 10 posts comparing to Petyr's homecoming:

Above the Sea Tower snapped his father's banner. The Myraham was too far off for Theon to see more than the cloth itself, but he knew the device it bore: the golden kraken of House Greyjoy, arms writhing and reaching against a black field. The banner streamed from an iron mast, shivering and twisting as the wind gusted, like a bird struggling to take flight.

Thus the possibility that Petyr's nominal "father" Lord Baelish (or Petyr's nominal paternal "grandfather") was cuckolded by Quellon Greyjoy, the Hoare-esque sperm cannon from the land of cowbird-evoking "bovine eyes", whose sigil is likened to a bird, is right there in his mockingbird sigil.
Indeed, I very much wonder whether we're not told all about the super-pollinator Garth Greenhand in part as a 'rhyming' hint that Quellon Greyjoy was a super-pollinator who spread his "seed" amongst the ladies of what the ironborn call the "green lands".

The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo

The notion that Petyr's mockingbird sigil may nod to Petyr's supposed father (or supposed paternal grandfather) getting cuckolded by Quellon Greyjoy reminds me of a song brought to my attention by MaxPayload: The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo was recorded in the 1930s by at least two acts, including the British movie star [Gracie Fields] — the highest paid film actress in the world c. 1937 — and an act called "The Two Gilberts".
To say the lyrics of the song remind me of Littlefinger's story is if anything an understatement, beginning with the opening image of "a lovesick youth and maiden":

A lovesick youth and maiden (down on the farm)
With hearts so heavy laden (down on the farm)
They held each other's hands and looked into each other's eye
And started to tell each other lies

To say the least, Littlefinger is closely identified with being a lovesick youth and with lying (including about his sexploits with the sisters Tully). And notably, he and Sansa practically begin their relationship by agreeing to lie about her being his daughter. (Sansa's heart is notably 'heavy laden' when this happens upon arrival at Littlefinger's tower — and sheep farm.)
Regarding the "down on the farm" setting, ASOIAF makes regular reference to the bountiful crops and rich farmlands of the Tullys' Riverlands, and we see the courtyards of Riverrun "teem[ing] with… cows, sheep, and chickens" in ACOK Catelyn V.
The song continues with a first kiss "by the cowshed door" (recalling that we're told that Petyr's estate has "a sheepfold"):

He kissed her by the cowshed door
She said "I've not been kissed before"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

Petyr was, of course, Lysa's first kiss, and probably Catelyn's as well, as well as Lysa's first fuck (regarding which, rest assured that the song gets deep into sexual double-entendre soon enough):

[O]ver there, beneath that bower, she and Lysa had played at kissing with Petyr.
She had not thought of that in years. How young they all had been—she no older than Sansa, Lysa younger than Arya, and Petyr younger still, yet eager. The girls had traded him between them, serious and giggling by turns. It came back to her so vividly she could almost feel his sweaty fingers on her shoulders and taste the mint on his breath. There was always mint growing in the godswood, and Petyr had liked to chew it. He had been such a bold little boy, always in trouble. "He tried to put his tongue in my mouth," Catelyn had confessed to her sister afterward, when they were alone. "He did with me too," Lysa had whispered, shy and breathless. "I liked it." (AGOT Catelyn XI)
"Petyr's breath is always fresh … he was the first man I ever kissed, you know." -Lysa (ASOS Sansa VI)

Next we see the maiden tease the eager "lovesick youth", as Cat ostensibly teased Petyr:

He said "My love I'll swear to you"
She said "I'll smack you if you do"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly, said "Oh how you tease me"
"I'm so shy, I'm so shy, when you start to squeeze me"
He said "Come tell me pretty miss"
"Where did you learn to squeeze and kiss"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

I'd heard the name "Nellie Bly" before in the version of Frankie & Johnny recorded by the legendary father of country music, [Jimmie Rodgers], so hearing it again made me look it up. It turns out the name in both songs was borrowed from [a world-famous American journalist]. (Recall that GRRM went to school for journalism.)
The real Nellie Bly first became famous for writing an expose of conditions in a lunatic asylum for women in New York City. Her fame redoubled after she traveled around the world in 1889. She went on to write pulp serial novels and — notably, given Petyr's apparent designs on Sansa — to wed a much older millionaire man named . . . (wait for it) . . . "Seaman".
(Obviously "Seaman" resonates with the idea that Petyr is ironborn, with the sea in his eyes, and with the sperm-whale like "blowhole" on Petyr's lands, which recalls Theon's foregrounded semen from ACOK Theon I. It likewise suggests a reading of the song per which an older "Seaman" is seducing the "Nellie Bly". Could this presage Quellon seducing original-Alayne, who I happen to believe has very intrepid genes herself?)
Anyway, back in the song, things take a "dark" turn:

She said "I love the twilight," down on the farm
Said he, "The dark is my light," down on the farm

My original Hoare-ish Littlefinger series highlighted various ways in which Petyr Baelish is Satan/Lucifedemon-coded, so the lovesick boy saying "The dark is my light" absolutely leaps out to me.
Especially because the couplet it's part of smells like it may well have informed a certain infamous exchange:

"Are you the Sword of the Morning now?"
"No. Men call me Darkstar, and I am of the night." (AFFC The Queenmaker)

Consider that the Sword of the Morning wields dawn, which colloquially coincides with (the maiden's preferred) morning "twilight", while we are clearly supposed to suspect that "Darkstar" (who is "of the night" a la the lovesick boy) — who is for some reason "the most dangerous man in Dorne" and who apparently resembles a "Dragonlord" — was sired by Aerys during his 270 visit to Dorne, with Aerys cuckolding, presumably, a man of House Dayne. (AFFC The Princess in the Tower; The Queenmaker) Note the double-entendre of laying pipe here — life-giving, fertilizing pipe, no less:

In 270 AC, during a visit to Sunspear, he told the Princess of Dorne that he would "make the Dornish deserts bloom" by digging a great underground canal beneath the mountains to bring water down from the rainwood. (TWOIAF)

There's a clear symmetry between the notion that Aeyrs cuckolded a Dayne to produce Darkstar and the idea that the noted Aerys-supporter and loyalist Quellon Greyjoy cuckolded a war hero small lord on the Fingers to produce Littlefinger. Doubly so if Littlefinger's mother was (as I have speculated elsewhere) the daughter of Duncan "the Small" Targaryen, Prince of Dragonflies.
If that couplet (in a song that otherwise smells Littlefingerian) reminds us of Darkstar, isn't it curious that the basic structure of Darkstar's implied origin (in the cuckolding of a small lord by a far greater lord) may (also/instead?) apply to Littlefinger's origin?
Back to The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo. The next line reads like a reference to Lysa's opinion of Petyr:

Said she "You seem to big and brave and mighty strong to me."

Compare with Lysa's very personal opinion of Petyr:

"He may not look as tall or strong as some, but he is worth more than all of them." (ASOS Sansa VI)

The song's next line is wild given Petyr and Lysa's history with moon tea (a tea brewed with certain plants not used in ordinary tea) and especially my conviction that [Petyr dosed Sansa with moon tea] during their voyage on the Merling King so as to make sure she was not pregnant with Tyrion's child:

Said he "Yes, I had onions for my tea."

(By the way, onions in ASOIAF are of course all about Davos. And who do I think Davos is? A possible Hoare-son or Quellon-son, and the Sailor's Wife's sailor, i.e. a sailor who sired a child and abandoned the mother, as, perhaps, Quellon sired Petyr on Alayne before leaving her to raise him on the Smallest Finger. Surely coincidence . . . unless this strange, weird old song has been informing George's Song since the mid-1990s.)
The lyrics continue with more Catelyn-esque teasing:

He said "I love you, yes I do"
She said to him "Oh yeah, says you?"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
He said "You're sweet beyond belief!"
Said she "You said it! OK, chief!"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

The lovesick boy is then encouraged to "walk 'round the houses"—

Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly, said "Walk 'round the houses"

—which 'just so happens' to recall rather closely Petyr and Sansa's sight-seeing tour of his lands, when "Petyr walked with her around his holdings", which include not just houses, but a symbolic sperm cannon and a reminder that foreigners sometimes land on these shores:

When the rains let up, Petyr walked with her around his holdings, which took less than half a day. He owned a lot of rocks, just as he had said. There was one place where the tide came jetting up out of a blowhole to shoot thirty feet into the air, and another where someone had chiseled the seven-pointed star of the new gods upon a boulder. Petyr said that marked one of the places the Andals had landed, when they came across the sea to wrest the Vale from the First Men.
Farther inland a dozen families lived in huts of piled stone beside a peat bog.

The song then references farm work and (via double-entendre) sex:

"Just while I, just while I go and milk the cowses"

Milk cows are, of course, linked to wet nursing and babies. And remember: It's cowbirds who make like cuckoos and cuckold mockingbirds.
The double-entendre gradually becomes obvious:

As they sat 'neath the stars above
She says to him "Oh, what is love?
And the mockingbird went hee-haw and the donkey went cuckoo [note the reversal!]
Well she sat there and milked the cow [lol]
"I'll do my bit" said he, "and how!" [lmao]
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
He found an old three-legged stool
And sat right down to milk the bull [come on!]
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

A milked bull? Quellon's son Victarion is linkened to a bull. Was Victarion's sire "milked" of his "seed" by Alayne Baelish? Did Quellon not only marry a woman of House Stonetree, but bone a woman wed to a man whose sigil was a "stone head"?
Regarding that "three-legged stool", recall that the dragon must have three heads, that a cuckolder turns a partnership into a three-legged affair, so to speak, and that a man with a large penis (see: "Littlefinger"?) is sometimes said to have [a third leg].
From there the song grows only more suspicious as potential inspiration, as it makes explicit reference to concealed paternity, and implicitly to an improper sexual relationship involving a "father" (which see Littlefinger and "Alayne"):

Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly went all in a lather
Began to cry, shouting "Why, that's the cow's father!"
He turned white and looked surprised
Then to the bull apologized
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

The closing line about apologizing to the bull resonates with Petyr's dealings with Hoster, and perhaps with cuckoldry as well, as a trespass against patriarchal rights of possession over a woman.
The foregoing represents the seemingly better known Gracie Fields version. The Two Gilberts version is mostly the same, save for a few passages in the middle.
Sidebar: Regarding "The Two Gilberts", there 'just so happens' to be exactly two Gilberts in the ASOIAF canon.
One of ASOIAF's two Gilberts 'just so happens' to be one of the legendary scions of legendary sperm cannon and possibly Quellon Greyjoy analogue Garth Greenhand, Gilbert of the Vines, who 'just so happens' to be responsible for all that good Arbor wine Petyr loves so.
The other Gilbert is Gilbert Farring, who Stannis tells us "holds Storm's End for me". (ASOS Davos IV) Repeating that: ASOIAF'S second Gilbert "holds" something that belongs to Stannis in lieu of Stannis holding it himself. Almost like he's cuckolding him.
There are two other Farrings (like Gilbert) in the canon. One is Godry, "the Giantslayer", which sounds like something one might nickname a guy who cuckolded a guy with the Titan of Braavos on his shield. The other is Annara Farring. She was Lord Frey's seventh wife, and guess what she 'just so happens' to be known for? If you said "cuckolding her lordly husband", congratulations. And guess how we're told that? Via, of all things under the sun, a milk cow analogy:

[Black Walder had] had Edwyn's wife too, that was common knowledge, Fair Walda had been known to slip into his bed from time to time, and some even said he'd known the seventh Lady Frey [Annara Farring] a deal better than he should have. Small wonder he refused to marry. Why buy a cow when there were udders all around begging to be milked? (ASOS Epilogue)

(It was at this point that I went from "Maybe George has heard this song" to "George is 100% familiar with this song.")
End Sidebar
Right after the line about the onion tea, The Two Gilberts version sees the lovesick boy promise riches and wealth, recalling Petyr's lifelong interest in making money:

He said "I'll buy you furs and gems"
"And all the pretty thees[?] and thems[?]"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

CONTINUED & CONCLUDED IN OLDEST REPLY, BELOW or HERE

"Then I shall show you. The end of your journey. The demise of human history that will redo this planet. The moment my great undertaking is completed!"

Goetia

♫ Shikisai ~The Time of Parting Hath Come~ ♫
This thread is a collaboration with InverseFlash and rsthethird, who helped with feat-gathering, as well as Proletlariet, who helped with formatting. Thanks!

Background

Beast I. One of the Seven Evils of Humanity, possessing the principle of "Pity".
The King of Mages, Solomon, gathered 72 demons in his life that he fashioned into "a system to promote reason in humans"--a sort of magical logic network. After some time, the demons gained self-awareness and merged into a collective being.
This being, the amalgamation of the 72 Demons, became known as Goetia.
When Solomon died, the demons were sealed away inside his corpse. The awakened Goetia at first assumed Solomon's identity. Through his eyes, they witnessed the extent of human suffering that Solomon, for all the king's vast power, had failed to address. They became disillusioned with their host, and hatched a plan to remake the world without its imperfections by travelling back in time.

Source Guide

Hover over the feat to view the story chapter the feat is from.
Relevant Scaling:

• List of Servants
  • If I name a character, it can be found here. I will not be linking a respect thread for every individual character mentioned in this thread due to the sheer number of Servants/characters Goetia and Demon Pillars interact with.
• Mash Kyrielight
• Beast II - Tiamat
• Beast VII - U-Olga Marie

Some terms:

• Rayshifting: Chaldea's method of time travel. It works by transforming the time traveler's body into 'Spiritrons', and then sending them backwards in time. Spiritrons being a form of energy/particle formed from a person's soul
  • Full Definition/Description can be read here
• Sheba: An observational lens that can sense the near-future, and could give Chaldea detailed information from inside of a bubble that absorbed all forms of normal radiation
• See the Fate Franchise Hub Post for a more extensive list of Fate related terms

Elements of Goetia's in-game profile and Fate/Grand Order material IV entry (translated by castor212) are freely quoted in this thread to help explain abilities that might not show up explicitly in the series very often.

King of Mages - "Solomon"

"Plead for help. Raise your mewling voice. For it is the time for you to drown in the sea of anguish! Behold this festival of flame that set ablaze the altar, rendered in its resplendence!"

♫ The Time of Coronation Hath Come ♫
Prior to revealing himself, Goetia posed as King Solomon while possessing his corpse..
Controlling Solomon granted Goetia a variety of abilities, namely the class container of "Grand", which allowed him to outclass any normal Servant by virtue of this.

Physical Feats/Power

• Manifested himself after his own death via his own will, and therefore doesn't need to rely on any sort of magical energy support like normal Servants
• Mordred claims his power exceeds that of a dragon, with Shakesphere going on to say he has 'infinite' magical energy, although he's likely exaggerating
• Tamamo-No-Mae claims that, even if she got all nine of her tails and became "a great demon strong enough to destroy the multiverse" that "[Solomon] is a threat threat enough to rival" her in that state
• When comparing him as Solomon to the Beast of the Seventh Singularity (later revealed to be Tiamat), the Lion King flips around the idea of who might be more of a threat to humanity
  • Kingu/Enkidu later claims that Tiamat is on par or superior to him
• Command spells wouldn't work on Solomon
• Engages with an extensive fight with Mash, hurting her with an attack
• Takes a blow from Mash that 'reaches the core of [his] body'

Clairvoyance

It has been said that Solomon's clairvoyance can see through the past and the future.
Because Clairvoyance is a skill furnished on the flesh, Goetia can also use it.

• Claims that he can 'see everything' and 'all possible futures', but cannot track things which exist outside of time
• [Limit] Even with his Clairvoyance, he didn't foresee the appearance of the Beast of the Seventh Singularity, Tiamat
• Goetia used Solomon's clairvoyance to perceive all human suffering in the past, present, and future
• Solomon sent one of his rings over 3,000 years into the future to act as a catalyst for his own summoning as a Heroic Spirit, putting into motion the events that would lead to Goetia's defeat
• Solomon used his Clairvoyance shortly before turning into a human with no powers to foresee the Incineration of Humanity in 2018 from 2004
• Gives him an unobstructed view of the past and future, as well as x-ray vision

Magecraft / Magic

Offensive

• Solomon/Goetia can summon any of the 72 Demon God Pillars at will, described as him projecting them out from his inner world to the outside world
  • Summons four at once that defeat Kintoki, Tamamo, and Shakespeare. Implies that he can summon far more of them
• Anderson is astonished at how badly he's hurt blocking just a single one of his attack spells
• A second spell rips Anderson into hundreds of pieces and then burns him into a crisp
• Goetia incinerates all living things on the planet at once just with his gaze, a feat characters in the story assumed he would need a powerful technique to accomplish

Utility

• Uses magic similar to a Rayshift to transport himself to the London Singularity
• Generates a field around himself that passively blocks Sheba's ability to observe him, as well as Romani's ability to communicate via hologram
• His field blocks Chaldeas' ability to Rayshift Fujimaru and Mash out of London
• Likely broke the seal binding Tiamat out of existence, though Ishtar notes that human mages might have done it
• Inserts images into Mash and Ritsuka's heads while they're mid-Rayshift
• Has a countermeasure that prevents using magic to predict his actions
• Has the ability to hasten his magical incantations, create magical constructs, and make magical territories via Solomon's class skills
• Goetia has nine of Solomon's 10 Rings. If all 10 were brought together, Solomon/Goetia would invalidate any magecraft used by mankind against him and put them under his control
  • Reference of what can be accomplished with magecraft

Evil Eye

Curse

• Solomon has become a walking curse, such that saying his name or looking him in the eye will remove a person's soul and imprison it
• By just looking at him, Mash begins to quake in fear for reasons she can't explain. Her soul might have been imprisoned in the false reality forever if a friend's out of character behavior hadn't tipped her off
• Tamamo with two of her tails believes she'd be vulnerable to the curse
• A person who's been afflicted with the Evil Eye has trouble remembering Solomon's appearance, and even video recordings of him are covered in static
• Even a drawn picture of Solomon can inflict the Evil Eye without special anti-curse precautions

Prison

• To escape, the soul must complete a set of trials within seven days, or death ensues
• Only the soul is imprisoned in the false reality, while the body remains behind. The soul experiences time at a much longer rate in the false world than the body does in the real one with seven days for the soul being equal to one for the body
• The prison's trials drag in fragments of the souls of the prisoner's acquaintances to serve as obstacles, it can do this even to heroic spirits, who have superhumanly powerful souls

Beast I - Goetia

"Well, I will rid myself of the title "King of Mages.”
"There's no more need for deception. I had no name, but if you want to call me something, call me this:"
"I am the one who shall attain true wisdom, as was desired of me. I am the one who shall devour you to reach a new height, and create a new planet."
"I am the one who shall gather 72 curses, and set flame to all of history. I am the Ritual for the Incineration of Humanity."
"I am Goetia, the King of Demon Gods."

♫ Shikisai ~The Time of Parting Hath Come~ ♫
The form Goetia takes after he abandons Solomon's corpse partway through the final battle.
His body is a central core surrounded by the 72 "Demon Pillars" that comprise him.

Collective

General Power and Information

• Hid in Solomon's body for three thousand years in Ars Paulina without any adverse effects due to the passage of time
• Is a "living summoning spell" that hid itself in Solomon's corpse and later gained a will of its own and physically incarnated as a Beast
• Describes himself as a higher-dimensional being that no longer requires flesh or blood. Due to being Solomon's familiars, he shared in Solomon's Clairvoyance
• Due to being an amalgamation of the 72 Demon Gods, which each have individual personalities, Goetia's personality will mirror that of someone who interacts with him on a surface level
• His existence is fixed, meaning he's immune to 'instant death' effects as well as temporal effects, like the paradoxes generated by incinerating human history
• A weakened Beast VII, or the Foreign God, is stated to be the most powerful thing Chaldea has faced since Goetia, with her magical energy being called a "third class planet" to Goetia's "second class planet"

Physical Feats

• Moves so fast he appears to teleport next to Solomon, before bloodying him with a barrage of punches and bombarding him with energy projectiles from his arms
• [Weakened] Ritsuka has trouble blocking his blows with Mash's shield, but can do so long enough for Goetia to die due to Ars Nova
• [Weakened] Knocked back by a Command Spell amplified punch from Ritsuka

The Beast Class
The entire space of Solomon's temple gives Da Vinci the same Beast Class reading she saw from Tiamat.

• Goetia's Beast Class Skill, Nega Summon, allows him to negate through "invalidation, invincible, absorption, reduction" any attacks or Noble Phantasms generated by Heroic Spirits, although this skill was nullified by King Solomon's actions at the end of the Final Singularity
• The Evils of Humanity, or Beasts, are summoned in a chain, meaning that Goetia's manifestation heralded the appearance of other Beasts

Individual Demon Pillars

Power

• Demon Pillars give off more magical energy than Servants or Phantasmals
• Demon Pillars are weaker while outside of Solomon's Temple, due to their cells dying off
• Demon Pillars have a "Spirit Core" like Servants, as well as innate magical energy, which can be used to fuel other spells (such as one to create pancakes) if defeated
• Require groups of Servants to defeat under normal conditions
• They have comparable power to Kingu during the Babylonian Singularity
• A Demon Pillar is compared to the energy output of a Servant empowering themselves with a Holy Grail
  • The corpse of a Demon Pillar can become a source of magical power similar to a Grail if fused with a servant, and possessing a strong will not to die

Strength

• Eight Demon God Pillars wrapping around the Chaldea building deal catastrophic damage to it and nearly destroy it
  • Reference of how large Chaldea is, the building's size can be compared to hallways connecting the structures in it
• Groups of them tear through the stone and marble of Solomon's throne when called to Goetia, reducing it to ruins
• Erupts out of the floor in a metal observation room, then attacks and absorbs a number of researchers

Damage Output
Demon Pillars attack in a number of ways:

• Various forms of spontaneous explosions that can cover multiples of meters
• Energy blasts that erupt from the ground
• Large storms of smoke that cover the battlefield
• Lasers, presumably fired from their eyes

These attacks are threatening to a variety of named servants:

• An attack from four Demon Pillars oneshot Kintoki, Tamamo, and Shakesphere
• Hurts and sends Robin Hood and Helena Blatvasky flying
• Spits out flames hot enough to burn Oda Nobunaga^FGO
• Draws blood on Fergus Lily, hurting him, although he's defeated in the overall fight against Astolfo, D'Eon, and Fergus
• Bloodies Wu Zetian with an attack

Durability
Favorable Interactions

• One takes a bullet from Francis Drake and continues to fight Mash, Ritsuka, and allies, although it loses the overall battle
• Li Shuwen has trouble injecting them with chi attacks, mostly due to their size
• Robin Hood's 'Yew Bow' and Elizabeth Bathory's weaponized singing don't do anything to them
• Tesla's Noble Phantasm, 'System Keranos', doesn't appear to do much to them, neither does a combined attack from Tesla and Edison's Noble Phantasms
• Lancer Li Shuwen breaks his spear on one
• Cursed Arm and Serenity have no means of harming them, even with Serenity's poison
• Oda Nobunaga's special attacks and bullets have no effect on Demon God Pillars
• Takes a hit from three bullets fired from EMIYA Alter and doesn't seem bothered by it moments later
• A Demon Pillar in its humanoid form take a blast of magic from the Queen of Sheba and is fine
• Takes fire produced by Chacha's abilities and fights Ritsuka, Okita, Nobunaga, and Hijikata, although it ultimately loses the fight
• A recreation of the Demon God Pillars gets bombarded with meteors from outer space by Astrea's Noble Phantasm, and continues to fight with Grey and Astrea, with Astrea commenting it was just as strong as the originals

Limits

• A suicide Noble Phantasm release from Arjuna kills twenty-eight of them
• Altera destroys one with Teardrop Photon Ray
• Mordred destroys one with Clarent Blood Arthur
• Bedivere takes out three pillars with an activation of his Noble Phantasm
• Okita Souji slices apart several pillars
• Edmond Dantes was able to take out a pillar by himself
• Ritsuka and his allies (in this case EMIYA Alter and Artoria Alter) were able to kill a Demon God Pillar
• One is defeated by Gawain, although Ritsuka notes it seemed particularly weak

Powers
Immortality

• The 72 Demon Gods are all part of the same magecraft ritual associated with Solomon, so as long as Solomon exists, they'll continue to exist even if destroyed
• After Mash kills Flauros, he instantly re-appears, with Mash describing this as an entirely new separate entity being born, and not some form of regeneration or resurrection
  • Vlad the Impaler runs out of stakes to hit them with due to how fast/often they were doing this
• Killing all 72 at once would be required to actually kill them for good
• Creating new demon pillars to replace fallen ones does draw away power from the center of Solomon's Temple, giving Chaldea entryway to the center of Ars Paulina
• Nightingale claims that killing them for good would require destroying all of Ars Paulina
• Even after escaping the Temple of Time and losing their proper immortality, individual demon pillars live for over 3,000 years to plot against Ritsuka

Other

• Demon Pillars can fuse with Heroic Spirits, even against their will
  • When Phenex did this with Scheherazade,, the two could trade places and transform into one another
  • A Heroic Spirit temporarily integrated into Goetia's hivemind via this process gained access to information he could use to calculate out events related to the Incineration of Humanity
  • Merging with a Heroic Spirit gives a Demon Pillar protection from its skills, such as Scheherazade's inability to be killed by Kings
• A number of Demon God Pillars were able to escape the Temple of Time's destruction while leaving ripples in space-time, this being an extradimensional space outside of time
• A number of Demon God Pillars demonstrate the ability to possess humans
• As of the events of Lady Reines' Case Files, Ritsuka has killed so many Demon Pillars that just inserting information about him into facsimiles of them cause them to get significantly weaker

King of Humans - Goetia

"The Demon Gods have burned away. My temple is destroyed. My grand plan for the Incineration of Human Order dies with me. But, I will at least deny you this final victory. Let us begin... Master of Chaldea. I shall annihilate you, and all you've achieved, with my own hands."

♫ GRAND LAST BATTLE ♫
Despite Ars Nova ending Solomon's spell that bound the 72 Demons together, Goetia manages to linger long enough for one last fight. However, in this weakened state he can be defeated by a punch from Ritsuka.

Noble Phantasms

Ars Almadel Salomonis: The Time of Birth has Come, He is the One who Masters All

"Then I shall show you. The end of your journey. The demise of human history that will redo this planet. The moment my great undertaking is completed! Third Noble Phantasm, deploy. The Time of Birth has Come, He is the One who Masters All. Now, burn up like trash!"
"Ars Almadel Salomonis!"

• Rank: EX
• Type: Anti-Unit/Anti-Human Order Noble Phantasm
• Range: ?
• Maximum target: ? person

Goetia's third Noble Phantasm. The "" of original sin. A belt of light that announces mankind’s demise.
Goetia is able to manipulate this belt of light in order to collect, accelerate and converge portions of it, travelling through the timestream or otherwise influencing it.
Singularities
For his plan to work, Goetia needed to make cause and effect stop working, so he can set fire to multiple periods of time in history at the same time.
He enables this by destabilizing human history with Singularities. These are turning points in human history that he's sent Holy Grails (powerful magic artifacts) to change important historical events.
Reference of what Holy Grails can do
Creation

• Singularities are key turning points in human history that have been interfered with, causing aberrations in the timestream. Goetia's Incineration of Humanity involved seven primary Singularities
• Resolving individual singularities will not fix the timestream. Only resolving all seven will set things right
• Solomon caused some Singularities by sending his Demon Pillars to different eras to directly alter historical events
  • These Demon Gods were embedded in King Solomon's descendants and activated like sleeper agents all at once in 2018
  • Goetia hid his Demon Pillars inside of the magic circuits passed down generationally by mages so he could seed them at specific points in history
• Solomon sent one of these grails directly backwards through time to Babylon, and and removing it is especially necessary to keep human history from burning
• Goetia's singularities had such a profound effect on human history that it rippled to other timelines, and caused singularities to still pop up after he was defeated

Structure/Attributes

• Singularities are cut off from the rest of the timeline, existing apart from the past or the future
• Singularities are immune to time paradoxes, so Ritsuka and Mash fighting soldiers in the past doesn't have any adverse affects
• Singularities are bound to a specific area, which can vary between the size of a city to the entire United States

Incineration of Human History
Once human history is destabilized, Goetia 'sets fire' to every moment of it and lets it burn. The energy is then collected as "Spiritrons" (magical energy) and raw heat.
Of course, this has catastrophic affects on the timeline.

• Chaldeas lost its ability to sense the future, or detect the outside world - this was because there was no more outside world to detect, as Goetia's Incineration of Humanity destroyed the timeline
• Despite being able to Rayshift to different points in time, Chaldea can only travel between Singularities because the rest of the timeline has been eradicated
• The Incineration of Humanity also affected The Land of Shadows, a realm described as being sundered from the mortal world
• The Incineration of Humanity burned all biological matter on Earth across all points in time as fuel to reset the universe
• Goetia needed to create Singularities to in order to weaken "the strength of human history" enough to carry out the Incineration of Humanity. Singularities break up the timeline into fractured chunks, allowing for the paradox necessary to incinerate matter during all points in its existence

Bands of Light
Finally, this energy is then channeled into Goetia's temple, and refined into bands of light that he can control and release at will. Either as weapons, or as fuel to for his ultimate goal: time travel to the creation of the Earth.

• Each Singularity Ritsuka and company travel to have a series of light bands encircling the sky present. These are around the size of North America
• These bands of light are the manifestation of Goetia's Noble Phantasm locking the rotation of the planet in place for the Incineration of Humanity
• Each individual band of light has comparable heat output to Artoria Alter's Holy Sword. The Noble Phantasm manifests hundreds of millions of them at once
  • Respect Artoria Alter
• Ushiwakamaru Alter claims the band of light are the only thing that could destroy Tiamat's corrupted ocean
• One of the Demon Pillars claims it could be used to incinernate all the Heroic Spirits summoned to fight in the Temple of Time
• The bands of light could burn away the outer layers of the planet. Mash says nothing on Earth could match their energy output
• Manifests as a beam of light from the sky that clashes with Mash wielding Lord Camelot. While Mash is able to block the attack, it still vaporizes her through her shield
• After Goetia is defeated, the bands of light start to release their energy into the atmosphere with nobody to control them. Da Vinci says the effect of this would be like a supernova
• The magical energy circulated between the Trees of Emptiness, and channeled into the Atlantis Lostbelt to summon the Foreign God had already built up to the same level of power as the Bands of Light prior Chaldea entering it
• [Limit] Even if they were collected and used to attack Chaos, the Bands of Light wouldn't be able to destroy it
  • Chaos is a mechanical being whose core is an entire star, otherwise known as a Dyson Sphere

Ars Paulina: The Time of Crowning has Come, He is the One who Begins All

• Rank: A
• Type: Anti-World Noble Phantasm
• Range: 999
• Maximum target: ? person

A Reality Marble that Goetia fabricated by amplifying the remains of King Solomon, forming a magical workshop in "void space" that exists outside the normal flow of time.
Reality Marbles are essentially self-contained dimensions that 'paint over the world' in a given area. Here's a better schematic explaining what they do.
Physical Structure and Location

• His temple resides outside of time, and can only be found by tracking back its location from the Seventh Grail
  • Da Vinci and Romani have no methods to track Goetia returning to his temple
• Chaldea pinpointing its location by analyzing Goetia's Seventh Grail also opens a back door for Goetia to locate him in turn, and it begins to pull him out of the timeline to itself
• Described as a "miniature model of the universe" containing no other celestial bodies, about the size of a cell when compared to the universe proper
  • There's still sort of celestial background present inside of it
• The temple lacks a concept of time. This property facilitated the Incineration of Humanity
• A recreation of the Temple is too cold for normal life to survive in it

Properties

• The route to the throne itself is blocked by a swirling tempest of "incalculable" amounts of magical energy, with Da Vinci believing Chaldea had to destroy areas around it to have a chance of getting through
  • The throne is accessible after Mash and Ritsuka remove this magical energy tempest via a fissure in space a kilometer long
• The temple has a similar composition as the Greater Grail of Fuyuki. It is made up of of Solomon's magic circuits, which form a small self-contained universe
• The throne is a giant magic summoning circle with planetary magecraft at its core

Ars Nova

• Rank: D
• Type: Anti-Unit Noble Phantasm
• Range: -
• Maximum target: 1 person

Goetia: Light Band Convergence Ring

• Goetia prepared his endgoal feat from the Incineration of Humanity as a 'virtual Noble Phantasm' due to not knowing the purpose or how to activate the original
• This ultimate feat, which he would use all the energy collected by Ars Almadel Salomonis to accomplish, would have him travel 4.6 billion years into the past to the birth of the planet, where he would then change the starting conditions of the world so that death did not exist, with him supplanting the planet with his own body

Solomon: The Time of Parting has Come, He is the One who Lets Go of the World

• By having all his ten rings present between those worn by Goetia and himself, Solomon can recreate the legend of him giving all his rings back to God
  • Activates as Solomon slowly becoming engulfed in a pure white light while chanting
• After using it, everything related to Solomon is wiped from existence and rendered inert. This includes Goetia himself as Solomon brought the Demon Gods together, as well as Solomon's rings, and Solmon's ability to be summoned as a Heroic Spirit
• Although this doesn't instantly kill Goetia, the Demon Pillars that make him up finally start to die for good, and start separating from the collective

Individual Demon Pillars - Unique Abilities

While it's likely that Goetia possesses all these abilities as the composite of all Demon God Pillars, some of his components developed wills of their own and gained unique abilities before and after his destruction at the hands of Chaldea.

Flauros

• Flauros can change his shape between a human form, Lev Lainur, and his true Demon Pillar form^FGO
  • Some other Pillars can also do this, but they are more obviously inhuman
• Lev has a spell similar to a Command Spell, controlling Caligula's actions^FGO
• Helped create SHEBA under Goetia's guidance, which is a failsafe to detect and act against Demon Pillars that go rogue from Goetia's collective, SHEBA is an observational lens that can sense the near-future, and could give Chaldea detailed information from inside of a bubble that absorbed all forms of normal radiation
  • Had enough intelligence to react to the threat of the Salem Singularity and summon a Heroic Spirit to it by using itself as a catalyst

Andras

After separating from Goetia, Andras gained a self-awareness and will to live, and escaped from the Temple of Time near-death, but died afterwards. Even then, its 'vindictive desires' remained as a corpse that could maintain a being by fusing to a Heroic Spirit, summoning and doing so with Chacha and Hijikata to create a singularity-like space.

• The space created by Andras is completely disconnected from the past or future, and time inside of it doesn't progress, having carved the space out of time itself, or at least travelled to an existing space like this
• Nobukatsu used him in a ritual to summon a demonic castle where nothing inside can die, so that he and Nobunaga can live forever inside. It disappears when Andras is defeated
• Summons waves of corpses to fight Ritsuka and allies

Bael

• Somehow hacked into Ritsuka's Rayshift coordinates, which made all of his servants rayshifted with him go off in random directions and himself to spawn in hundreds of feet into the air
• While believing itself to be the heroic spirit Moriarty, Bael somehow fights Chaldea and disappears like a Heroic Spirit, only to re-appear as a demon pillar
• Learned how to fuse together Phantom and Heroic spirits, though Phantom Spirits cannot normally be summoned as complete entities
  • Fused together being from multiple legends to create Hessian Lobo, granting it composite abilities such as the Invisible Man's invisibility
  • Fused Moriarty with Der Freischütz, giving his weapon supernatural accuracy on the 7th shot, something that could even apply to objects as large as a meteor to make it strike Earth
  • Moriarty uses this method to absorb the defeated Sherlock Holmes

Phenex

• As the Demon God of Death, he isn't detected by Chaldea's scans for life because he's technically dead
• Despite being killed by Ritsuka and his allies, re-appears later in the body of a nearby corpse, transforming back into its demonic form
• Constantly regenerates from being attacked by D'Eon, Fergus, and Astolfo
• Endures Caladbolg's vortex, which destroyed a floating island big enough to house an entire forest and a mountain
• [Limit] Is hit with Wu Zeitan's Noble Phantasm, and still fights while being afflicted with it
  • The attack works by keeping Phenex in "state of both life and death", allowing Phenex to finally be weakenedand then killed
• Despite all of the above, it still has enough strength to try and attack Scheherazade, although it's killed with one last burst from Fergus' sword

"Huh, who would have known? ...Tragically short, and yet, strangely fascinating... So, this is what human life is..."

Asking for a friend… but how conservative are Ocean City beaches? Which are the most liberal as far as skimpy swimwear? It looks like there are absolutely no nude beaches in the state or I’d go there.

“It’s not very iconic,” Jack mumbled to himself as he watched the frame of the newest variant of Crawler come together.
Though calling it a ‘Crawler’ was a bit of a misnomer, given that the vehicle didn’t actually crawl. Instead, it would move about on treads. Like a normal tank. Which, while practical, were rather boring to look at.
To make matters worse, Shui would be taking just over half of the iconic older variants of crawler that did actually crawl with her on her journey North. Doing so would allow her force to be entirely mechanized – or horseborne in the case of the cultivators – reducing a journey that would normally take months into one that would take weeks.
Plus, a mountain pass is actually a location where the mechanical legs might see some practical use, he thought.
Shui was certainly pleased about the extra support. While Jack wouldn’t go so far as to say she was giddy, there was certainly a degree of ‘pep’ to her steps as she rushed about the city organizing her new ‘army’. Even the mortal elements, which he got the feeling were normally an afterthought in these kinds of engagements.
She’d be taking fully one third of the militia that An had arrived with a few weeks ago. Ten thousand men and women. As well as fifteen cultivators – who Jack had made sure came from differing Sects. A move that would hopefully keep her from getting up to mischief by turning them against him.
Hopefully.
Ideally, he’d like to say that was why she was taking a contingent of homegrown Jiangshi ‘natives’ – for a given use of the word. The reality was that she was taking the militia because the alternative was a force of spear wielding sect troops, which would be like feeding meat into a grinder.
Which might have been just fine for the Empire, but mortals actually had some innate value to him. To that end, those sect troops still in the city – all fifty thousand of them - were going to be re-equipped and retrained as part of his new Ten Huo army.
Which was why five thousand militia members would be sticking around to train them in turn, while the remaining fifteen thousand returned to the very important task of guarding Jiangshi.
Which was a priority, given that An had all but stripped the province bare of soldiers to create her rescue force – and if they didn’t return soon their absence would be keenly felt.
Of course, this all relies on the Sects giving up their personal armies without a fight, Jack thought. Here’s hoping my most recent lesson in who holds the biggest stick will remain stuck in their mind when I make that announcement…
“Perhaps.” Elwin said from beside him, returning his thoughts to the mundane nature of his latest construct. Not that you’d know it from looking at Elwin. The elf’s arms were crossed as she watched with no small amount of awe as his workshop’s many pneumatic arms worked to bring the tank to life. “That will change though. I have oft found that the iconic nature of a soldier or weapon only grows with their success. And to hear little Lin go on about this machine, it will be very successful indeed.”
Jack hummed, conceding the point. Both Lin and Huang were down in his workshop with them – the two seemingly near inseparable these days for some reason – both huddled over a data-slate as they chatted animatedly about something related to the design.
They were a mismatched pair to be sure, but it seemed that Lin had chosen to take the former princess under her wing. Which was rather ironic, given that she was the goat-kin and Huang was the dragon-kin.
“Do you think Shui’s realized that she won’t actually be spending much of her time up north building her fortress?” he hummed.
“I would worry for her intelligence if she didn’t,” Elwin opined. “And the fact that she’s not battering down your door to demand changes to the manifest she’s been provided suggests she has.”
Jack hummed in agreement. He didn’t doubt that Shui had already noticed that her little taskforce was almost entirely devoid of building materials or craftsmen. Not that she’d want to be lugging stuff like stone or timber halfway across the province when there were plenty of natural resources at her destination.
Still, she’d want craftsmen trailing along with your supply chain though.
As well as nails.
To hear his advisor’s talk about them, you wanted nails by the barrel. To that end they had some. Gao, Ren and An had stressed that no army should ever be without things for even a moment, but they weren’t present in nearly the quantities required to build a mountain fortress like the one he hoped would soon block off the only remaining route into the province – if you ignored the ocean.
Which both Imperials and Instinctives were seemingly content to do.
No, the Pig-kin had probably known from the moment the plan was presented to her that Jack would be waiting for her to arrive at her destination before he flew over in his suit and built a fortress basically overnight.
That thought made him feel better about his decision to put her in charge of the job. It was an important job after all, sealing off the last ‘free’ entrance into his small empire.
I’ll probably want to head back to Jiangshi first to resupply basic building materials when I do head over there, he thought as he made a mental tally of what was currently floating around in his inventory. The thought made him sigh. The sooner I get a train network set up the better.
There was just so much that needed to be done…
He shook his head as he refocused on the task at hand, which was creating the prototype of the new Kang Barrel. A name that had created nothing but confusion for his underlings, but tickled his funny bone.
Not least of all because he hadn’t been the one to come up with the joke.
His microbots were. And while the fact that his microbots were currently capable of making jokes terrified him to his core, he couldn’t deny that they were good at them.
Because truth be told, he’d never wondered why tanks were called ‘tanks’. Though, to be fair, he never wondered why half a dozen other things were named as they were.
As it turned out, the reason tanks had been called what they were was because they’d been smuggled to Europe – or the irradiated zone as it was now known – disguised as water tanks.
Thus, Barrels had seemed an apt name for his own variant – even if no one but him got the joke.
Hell, that just made it funnier to him.
“So, how are things coming with your apprentices?” he asked the elf.
Smiling, the woman was about to respond when Ren rushed in, looking more frantic than usual. Which was a rather impressive feat given that she’d spent the last few weeks effectively running his city for him and was normally operating somewhere between totally overwhelmed and barely hanging on.
“Where are your formal robes, master!?” the merchant all but hissed. “I told you the ceremony would be starting in a few hours!”
Jack glanced over at a nearby clock.
“Ah… I knew I was forgetting something.”
Not that it mattered, he didn’t care what Ren said about tradition.
He was going in his armor.
--------------\
“With that, I present your new magistrate,” an older man called out to the crowds below.
The male cultivator was actually the oldest looking cultivator Jack had ever seen. The man was a craftsmen, a well respected one. And he was also the one who had been in charge of creating the staff that ostensibly controlled the city’s runic defenses.
And keying them to Jack.
Theoretically.
That wasn’t how it had gone down – and the other man had made it abundantly clear what he thought of this change in tradition.
Jack didn’t care then and he didn’t care now.
Which was why he ignored the other man’s stinkeye as he stood up from his throne and strode over to the balcony.
“The Empire has abandoned us.”
His first words were solemn, yet they rolled over the crowd below without trouble. A feat accomplished by a few carefully positioned loud speakers.
Which might have been why, despite the distance between him and the throngs of… not quite human mortals and cultivators below, he could almost hear the audible intake of breath that followed his statement.
Criticizing one’s superiors really wasn’t done in the empire, by virtue of the fact that said superior was usually your superior because they were entirely capable of lopping your head off. If they weren’t, you’d be the superior.
Again, certain parallels between the Instinctive hordes and the Empire leapt to Jack’s mind.
“The Empress has abandoned us. Time has dulled her edge. Corruption has infested her courts. Lethargy pervades her armies. And now, like an ape grasping for a branch as it plummets to its doom, the Empress pulls tight on her outer provinces in a desperate attempt to arrest her fall.”
It helped that what he was saying was mostly true. Or so he assumed. Because he’d yet to meet a system of power that wasn’t at least a little corrupt.
Silence was the only response he received to his words though.
Which, again, was to be expected. While the Empress wasn’t a ‘goddess’ in the religious sense of the word – the empire as a whole was surprisingly secular in that regard, focusing instead on something Jack would have described as Pseudo-Buddhism – she was also one of the founders of the Empire.
Again, not someone you criticized for long before you found yourself suddenly a few feet shorter from the top down.
Fortunately, Jack had a secret weapon.
“Yet Ten Huo only grows in power!”
That was the signal for the doors to the palace to open, and from them cart after cart of sizzling pigs, cows and whole chicken were wheeled forward. Prepared by the palace’s chefs, they’d done an incredible job with the task they’d been given. Even from his position up high on the balcony Jack found the smell intoxicating as it wafted up to him.
Fortunately, the line of sect troops guarding the front of the palace held steady as the crowd almost unconsciously surged forward at the sight of such a feast.
Really hope no one’s going to get crushed in that, he thought.
That was why he had a few cultivators on standby who would use directed burst of killing intent anywhere the press of bodies got too tight. The effectiveness of which Jack had been a little dubious of, but it was apparently a tried and tested method for ‘delicately’ dealing with unruly crowds.
Personally, Jack would have preferred to use his own troops, but Ren had quite reasonably pointed out that when it came to keeping crowds of agitated mortals in line, none were better than the personal armies of the sects.
…Or the Imperial army – but most of them were dead now.
That didn’t mean he’d come completely unprotected. His own troops had emptied out the palace of all courtiers and Sect guards hours ago in preparation for his speech. A feat that would have been impossible mere days ago, but it seemed that his little display to the Sect leaders had the effect he’d intended it to, because the cultivators present on the premises hadn’t even made a single peep of complaint as they were ordered out by a bunch of mere mortals.
Albeit, mere mortals who had An commanding them.
“We must cast off the shackles that have for so long held us back!” Jack announced. “This is not about power. Not about greed. Or pride. It is about survival!”
This time he got roars of approval – though whether that was down to his words or the food that was now being passed out to the crowd, he couldn’t say.
It didn’t really matter. It was about the optics of the thing. When people looked back on this moment, they would remember the cheering. And that would mean it had to have been a good thing, right?
“Ten Huo must grow. Must cultivate it’s strength. Must power through the troubles ahead,” he roared. “Which we have. Through our guards. Through our walls. Through our cultivators. And through our gonnes. Through those things we broke the back of the horde and slew their false dragon. And it is through the power of those things that we might beat back any foe that might threaten our home.”
He raised his fist high – and at the correct moment, his Red Dragon armor flared into being, the feathers atop fluttering proudly in the wind. “Ten Huo forever! Against all that might come! Together we are strong!”
Perhaps it was just his imagination, but that time the cheers felt more genuine. A chant even started.
“Ten Huo! Ten Huo! Ten Huo!”
“To that end, I intend to correct some of the failures of the old regime! Firstly, I shall be cutting the mortal guard force of our city’s sects down to one tenth their current size.”
That caused a stir, not just from the cultivators who were stood on the nearby pavilions, but from the rearmost ranks of the sect guard that were currently holding back the crowd while simultaneously handing out food.
Which made sense, he was currently discussing their livelihoods. The only thing that separated them and their families from the desperate crowds in front of them. Because while the city wasn’t quite close to starving as a result of the recent hostilities, it was true that a great many households were now tightening their belts.
Service in the Imperial Army or Sects provided some degree of protection from that reality.
“And from those men and women, I shall forge a new force. A grand Ten Huo army to rival that of the decrepit Empire. Well trained. Well armed. Professional soldiers. An expansion and revitalization of the Jiangshi militia that saved this city all those weeks ago.”
That seemed to silence much of the hesitation that had formed in the sect troops. The crowd though was all for it, whooping and hollering at the idea of more troops of the ilk that had so captured the city’s love with their arrival into it.
“I do this not out of contempt for the sects but out of love. With this I free them from the responsibility of policing the city. Of dealing with the mundane details of the mortal world. I free them to focus on their one true goal; the pursuit of cultivation and immortality.”
More importantly, it would make a coup significantly less likely to be successful later down the line. Or at least, less viable. Because as potent as cultivators were, they were still just individuals. They had more in common with fighter craft than infantry. They could take ground and destroy targets, but they couldn’t be expected to hold it without support.
Support Jack fully intended to cut out from under them while claiming he was doing them a favor. And while he could certainly see some idiots in the pavilion nodding along with the idea of ‘freeing themselves from the need to deal with mortals’, most of the leadership was rightly frowning at the thought of losing their ability to project power into the city.
Without mortal soldiers to form a buffer around them, they would effectively be besieged within their compounds.
Yet even as he could see them slowly considering raising some form of stink over it, he could also see them glancing over to the empty seat in their lineup where the Silver Paw sect might have stood.
No, they might make a perfunctory fuss, but they’d do as he told them. This was the ideal time for him to make a move like this. It was almost expected.
To be sure, he knew some would cause some form of trouble over this move, but that trouble would be a lot easier to deal with when he tripled the number of soldiers he had at his command within the city.
Down below, Jack could see the distant figure of Gao – and a small application of magnification showed the man was looking rather pale. Which made sense, given the massive task Jack had just slammed down in front of him. An, for her part, looked positively giddy about the whole thing. Ren just looked… tired and unsurprised, as if more work appearing on her lap was just to be expected where Jack was concerned. Elwin looked disinterested in the whole thing, which was par for the course.
Lin and Huang were… nowhere to be seen?
Huh, he thought.
For just a moment he was worried something might have happened, but a quick glance at the trackers attached to them – via some ‘gifts’ of jewelry – showed the pair were back at his compound. In the same room even.
Very close.
Probably caught up in some science experiment, he thought with a small smile.
“Yet what is a mortal army without a core of cultivators?” Jack continued. “Am I to demand a tithe from the sects that have already given so much? To both me and this city?” He shook his head. “Nay.”
He stretched out his arm, and with perfect timing a dozen figures dropped from the windows of the palace, landing perfectly behind the sects guards in a crouched position.
They were clearly cultivators – yet they didn’t look like them. For one thing, they were armored. From head to toe. Gleaming steel armor that was inlaid with protective runes.
It wasn’t as comprehensive as metal plate would be. Gaps existed to allow for great locomotion from the user. Yet it was still more armor than any cultivator would ever be caught wearing.
Because in the local parlance, armor was a sign of weakness. A lack of confidence in ones skills and cultivation.
Or at least, that had been the case until Jack showed up.
The next thing about them was that they were uniform. Perfectly so. Only the weapons were different. Some had glaives. Some had swords. Others axes. The only commonality there were the revolvers at their hips.
He didn’t doubt they looked absurd to the cultivators in the pavilions, each of them dressed differently to their fellows, with only a small adherence to their sect colors to mark their allegiance. Because cultivators didn’t do uniforms.
They were warriors. Heroes. Not soldiers.
Or at least, they weren’t, Jack smirked.
He raised both arms high above his head.
“I demand nothing of the sects, for volunteers have already shown up to be part of this great army. Ready to give their lives. Their souls. Their very identities to protect our great Ten Huo!”
Jack slammed his fist down onto the banister, letting the loud thud echo across the courtyard.
“I present to you, the Steel Paw!”
For the first time since they had arrived, the mystery cultivators stood up, their blue cloaks fluttering in the winds as they pulled back their hood to reveal not faces, but helms.
Helms shaped like a snarling tiger.
First / Previous / Next
Another three chapters are also available on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/bluefishcake
We also have a (surprisingly) active Discord where and I and a few other authors like to hang out: https://discord.gg/RctHFucHaq

Chapter 88 - From All I Believed
​
Morning, Two days before Shel
Captain Setar suppressed a smile as she watched the Ops door close. “Well, that was interesting… Ce’lani is a little cranky.” The last vestiges of sleep clung to her as she settled down into the command chair. She felt worn out, but it was the cusp of dawn, and Pod Seven had only just turned over control. “Report on station?”
“The perimeter’s secure,” Jelki replied crisply, pulling up the map of the campus on the main screen. “Pod One is on station and reports twelve by twelve. Sgt Ma’reis is already complaining about janitor duty.”
“Ah, first pod problems.” Setar shook her head, rubbing her eyes and blowing gently on her mug of tea. “What about the objective?”
“The objective’s secure,” Re’lan piped up, already sounding chipper. The woman could have been priestess of Jrafell. Her unwavering cheeriness would have been a character fault if she weren’t so devoted. As it was, it was a damned penance for everyone else at this time of day.
Jelke finished running the obligatory shift change checks and stretched. Things wouldn't get interesting until breakfast, but watching the perimeter was a given. It didn't keep the curiosity out of her voice, as she cocked her head and glanced over. “What was interesting with Captain Ton’is, Ma’am?”
“Mm! Well… it appears she’s expecting a call from Professor Warrick today,” Setar drawled out, taking a moment to savor their reaction. “She felt a need to remind me she’s devoted to Hele, and that if Be’ona or I let her sleep through the call, she’s going to ‘fuck us up the ass with a lasrifle and pull the trigger’.”
Re’lan was probably blushing like a cadet, but Jelke shook her head ruefully. “I expect there's a ‘but’ in there somewhere, Captain?”
“Well, yeah, she said that’s where the rifle would go…” Setar sniggered before taking a long sip from her tea, and slid a bit lower in the command couch. Her eyes wandered to the traffic on the board. “She also made it clear what’ll happen if anybody listens in.”
Thoughtful silence descended. Setar almost counted to twelve before-
“We’re going to anyway, right Captain?” Jelke asked nonchalantly. “You know, for security’s sake?”
“Sergeant, that would be a base infringement of Captain Ton’is’ privacy, which is in fucking short supply for everyone in this bunker.” She rubbed her chin thoughtfully, watching the steam rise from her mug. “Deeps right we are.”
_ _ _
Lady Wicama regarded her guest with interest as their autocab plied its way about the outskirts of Prelitauri. While she’d been free and cheerfully able to accommodate Khelira’s request, Monsignor Santino Barcio, or Friar Barcio, as he preferred, was not at all what she’d been expecting. She supposed it was a matter of exposure…
The Palace had never quite been the same since Princess Yn’dara’s wedding. Yn’dara was one of those odd Royals who, though well-regarded, was seldom in the public eye. A perennial favorite of the Empress, indulging her unexplained absences passed as a matter of course for the Court. Widely known to be estranged from her mother, Princess Arduina, no one enquired either deeply or often, so when she suddenly resurfaced, her return would have equally passed without comment… if not for the wedding.
Yn’dara had shocked the entire Nobility.
While it was common for any woman to marry into an established family and become a kho, the wedding should have been singular for a Princess. Princesses didn’t marry into families, Princesses formed them. And while Yn’dara technically had done so, she’d taken on three unmarried women at the same time as her husband, who was a Human! Favorite or no, the wags in the court were agog that the Empress accepted Adam so readily! The Empress, however, had been adamant; Yn’dara and her family had her blessings, and were to be left alone.
However, time had proven to be on Yn’dara’s side as well as the Empress.
After a wedding seen across the galaxy, Yn’dara’s family settled into a life of public duty. They spent long trips away from Shil, and while quietly dismissed as ‘pleasure excursions’, her trips often showed the throne to the outer provinces. Although her public engagements were few, she’d become a vocal advocate of the Empress’ reforms against graft and corruption, and, gradually, the jealous mutters about scandalous excess and Human debauchery faded away. Her marriage remained an unusual footnote, but time had demonstrated the value of Yn’dara and her wives to the throne.
Then there was Prince Adam.
Rumor held the Prince had made a favorable impression on the Empress years before, at an event hosted by Yn’dara’s mother. While details had never been forthcoming, a more significant story about Adam wafted briefly through the ranks of the Golden Glaives.
Both stories had been effectively silenced, but Wicama knew who to talk to, and being Khelira’s guardian carried a certain clout all its own. Though that influence waxed and waned over the years, raising Khelira required being aware of events that could shape her future, and she’d proven herself to be discreet. Over time, doors had opened and words had flowed.
Time had been on Prince Adam’s side, as well.
As the years passed, she’d had an exposure to Prince Adam that few of the court and none of the public enjoyed. She’d been wary at first, but he’d been a good friend and mentor to Princess Khelandri before she joined the Marines, and however infrequent his presence, he always displayed a keen mind, a loving heart, and a steadfast duty to his wives. Privately, he absolutely doted on young Khelira and possessed a loyalty to the Empress that you could bend battlesteel around. The two got along famously - after all, he was a veteran.
Not Navy, mind you, but you couldn’t have everything.
And so, as Humanity began making forays upon the galactic stage, her first impression of the species had been favorable. She’d witnessed Adam mature into his role with the court, and while the issue of children remained unspoken, that faded as well. At the time, Yn’dara had been sixth in the line of succession. A year after the wedding, Kamaud’re became an adult, followed a year later by Khelandri, and the matter became largely moot.
As for a second impression on Humans, Khelira had provided enthusiastic reports about Thomas Warrick. While the Princess thrived at the Academy, Warrick seemed to be something special.
The absence of a father in her life had been a void that no woman could properly fill, but she’d done her best. Although she’d entertained a few qualms, as the months passed by, Warrick remained a positive influence. Khelira’s messages were infrequent by necessity, but she’d written about her distress over Warrick’s family and clearly been moved. Prince Adam carried his own scars, but what veteran didn’t? He hid them carefully around Khelli, and if Warrick had chosen not to, he’d provided a useful sense of perspective, instead. It was time for Khelira to grow up, and that meant facing the grist of differing opinions and ugly realities. That was what education was actually for, and Warrick seemed to be doing admirably well as a grindstone.
All of that was before the library incident, which settled her opinion once and for all. While erratic, irreverent, and capable of violence, Humans clearly could be a positive influence when channeled in the right direction. Yn’dara had shown what a good Shil’vati woman was capable of with Prince Adam, and Lady Pel’avon was following suit.
And at least the wags at the Palace wouldn’t speak of Yn’dara’s state wedding again. As a subject for spectacle, Miv’eire Pel’avon’s had put it to shame.
Still, it was good to see Warrick married. While Professor Ha’meres scandalous exploits had faded from the public eye, older wo… more mature women didn’t forget such things. The man had been a daring adventurer - and an inveterate gadabout - and an unmarried man around that many young women was too tempting for some girls. A wife or two… preferably more… resolved such idle fancies. If the Pel’avon ceremony had been somewhat… questionable in taste, compared to Adam’s, it remained legally binding. Warrick was willing to settle down, and by all reports his wife had a proper sense of decorum.
Human men seemed to be a trial from the Goddess, but hopefully she and her kho-wife could sort him with time, love, and kindness.
While exposure to only two Humans was not what she’d call a comprehensive sample, in both cases her impressions had been quite positive. And so, when Khelli asked her to escort a Human Priest about the city, she’d been entirely willing.
Thus far, it had been an enjoyable morning. While there had been occasional missteps, their conversation had been delightful as they traveled from property to property. Even so, she hadn’t expected to meet such a kindred spirit.
Admittedly she’d stammered a bit when he mentioned eating the flesh and drinking the blood of his redeemer. On the other hand, she compared it to the first time she’d bled into the ocean, mingling salt in her blood with the seas. He’d turned shockingly pale, so she changed the subject. It was a purely symbolic act to Drepna - just a cut on the thumb, for goddess sake...
She’d taken extra care afterwards. Barcio could be clearly a sensitive male, but diplomacy was part of her work. Even calling her role ‘work’ was deceptive. She’d raised Khelira in every way an Empress could not.
It was easy for other women to appreciate the prestige of her position, but few understood the depth of it - or the satisfaction.
During her career in the Navy, her flotilla had provided direct support for the Empress, and they’d come to work closely over three tours. After Khelira’s birth years later, the invitation came from the Royal Household to act as her guardian, and she’d never looked back. Competition had been fierce for the prestigious position, but applying had been the best move of her life.
Empress Kamilesh loved all her children and had spent as much time with each of them as she could, but her work was all-consuming, and after her husband’s act of… Well, the Empress had been there, but she’d born her pain privately. She had lost herself in her work for many years before recovering a semblance of her former self, and her absence had taken a toll on her children. Kamaud’re had taken it the worst. Khelandri had bounced back, while everyone doted on Lu’ral. Barely more than an infant, Khelira had been far too young to remember. Wicama had been there through all of it.
It was a good life, and the princess was a delightful girl. For Wicama, the absence of a man in her life was something she’d felt now and then, but she invested her life in Khelira. The Empress treated her as a member of the family in all but name… and in a very real sense, the child you raised was your child.
Looking back, some women might insinuate she’d given up her personal life to raise another woman’s daughter. They couldn’t have been more wrong.
She had her calling - just as Friar Barcio had his.
Yes, he was a priest, and his religious strictures were very unusual. A male priest in any of the Shil’vati faiths would never be placed under such restraints, and for a man to go unmarried was noteworthy…
But she understood having a calling. Oh yes, she understood that as few others could.
After discussing his needs, they’d set out to examine three properties around Prelitauri. The Friar’s individual requirements were deceptively difficult when taken as a whole. A complex coupling a generous auditorium, ample administrative space, and he clearly needed substantial grounds to properly convey a sense of aura. Such accommodations were seldom on the market, and since he expected his colleagues to arrive in weeks, his need was immediate.
Thankfully, urban renewal moved in waves. The tides of such fashions meant Prelitauri was once again an up-and-coming area. While difficult to find, three older structures had the potential to be suitable, and so it was that she’d enjoyed learning about her guest as they explored the tiny district.
The Monsignor spoke four other Earth languages fluently. He tended to break into his native tongue and hadn’t mastered contractions yet, but his Vatikre was passable and he listened carefully, seldom needing to ask about a word. After limiting her contractions when she spoke, their conversation flowed easily.
Barcio had shown little enthusiasm for the first two properties, but their conversation regarding other matters never waned. She expanded on her devotion to Drepna, Shil and the roles of each goddess while asking careful questions of his faith. His own inquiries proved thoughtful, and he was as avid in politely asking after her beliefs as explaining his faith.
After their second hour together, she’d taken the liberty of calling Prelate Hi’meta Merlamiss. As a priestess of Drepna’s second circle, Merlamiss had proven a valuable contact over the years. Well connected, she enjoyed a good relationship with many other prelates of the Divine Halls; she also got on well with Xinfess, the Rakiri’s Speaker of the Dark Mother on Shil. A meeting with Barcio would readily open doors for his group that might otherwise prove difficult to attain, and while Barcio’s accent strained now and then, it was clear the Monsignor and the Prelate shared a questionably low sense of humor.
Given a chance, they’d probably get on famously.
Certainly, that would be a blessing. Their hunt for a suitable facility had not gone nearly so well, and while Barcio had been conciliatory toward the first two facilities, she could tell he wasn’t taken with either. The last property wasn’t high in her expectations, so she found herself casting her head to the side when it swept into view and he clasped his hands in excitement.
”*È bella!* This is beautiful,” he exclaimed. “It reminds me a bit of my childhood home in Sacile!”
She looked out at the complex with its low gabled roofs, as their cab wound up from the entrance. Beside the drive, a small river meandered through the campus past the main buildings. She tapped the console to slow their ride and considered the place in a new light. “I’m… well, a bit surprised to be honest, Friar.”
“Please! We have been traveling for hours now, and I am not holding a service.” The Friar spared her a warm smile, before gazing back at the premises. “I would take it as a great kindness if you would call me Santino.”
“Very well - on the condition you call me Wicama.” It had been some time since anyone called her by anything but title or rank, and the informality was pleasant. Still, as their autocab closed on the end of the lane, she let such thoughts go and considered the location properly.
The buildings were low, sensible cubes, but that was largely an end to it. The architect had made some unusual choices in Helkam motifs that strained understanding. A long colonnade bordered the river, and that seemed nice enough, but the buildings! Forgoing purple was one thing, but they were beige! With unusual elements and the repressively bland color scheme, it was small wonder the clerk handling the property confessed that the space had lain vacant. Its original owners went into foreclosure. The exotic design had proven unable to attract interest, laying dormant ever since.
Barcio… Santino… seemed delighted, however, and she pulled up the specifications on her omni-pad. “This site has two smaller auditoriums besides the main one, while the central building has four floors. One is underground, but all the floors face an interior atrium.”
As the cab gently halted in the car park, she climbed out to hold the door but Santino had already scrambled out and was examining the gardens with evident interest. Tall stands of parago trees were losing the last of their fronds for the year, but she had to admit the grounds were substantial. Yesterday’s storm had left the morning air cold and crisp, lending the gardens an appealing aspect. Untended since the last owners, much could be done with them.
She had given up trying to escort the Friar anywhere after their first two stops, and now they fell into an easy pace side by side as they strolled toward the main building. She turned back to the property itself. “So, this reminds you of your home?”
It wasn’t exactly Helkam architecture - domes weren’t covering every possible surface - but the builder had clearly been nodding in that direction. A promenade wound to the entry, supporting white chevrons that arced into the sky. The bright morning sky shone through clever cutouts, making the unusual design at least look light, rather than oppressive and unappealing. With a decent renovation, the facility had possibilities, and the price was comparatively low.
“*Si!* Oh, not so much like home, but there is the sense of it. I was born near the sea, and this feels… similar.” He gave her a depreciating smile before rolling his eyes. “It may not please everyone who is coming, but ‘everyone’ is not here, so I am allowed some indulgence! Better to have something waiting than nothing at all. I confess, some of my colleagues thought we’d only manage when the bridge to Messina is finished.”
“You should not have been sent ahead alone! Surely your colleagues were not that worried about a poor reception,” she tutted. Priest or no, there were decencies about a man traveling alone to be observed. “You shouldn't need a bridge to find a place for your mission. I don’t know where Messina is, but I’m certain Prelate Marlemis wouldn’t stand for it!”
“Tch! Excuse my poor efforts! The older I get, the more I remember things like yesterday. Unfortunately, the yesterdays I remember so well were thirty years ago!” Barcio smiled wryly up at her as they walked. “The ‘bridge to Messina’ used to be a saying… People dreamed of building a bridge to Sicily, and it became something that never happened. My English friends would instead say ‘when hell freezes over’. *Un'espressione volgare*, but very much to the point.”
“Ah… I’m sure we can manage something, and this could be made presentable. Maybe change the beige to a pale violet?” she offered helpfully as she made it to the door first, holding it open. “The aura inside isn’t so bad.”
“You’ve said that several times, but I do not know what you mean?” He paused in looking around the entry, which had an open foyer exposing the two floors above and led out to the atrium beyond. “What is ‘aura’? I do not think I know the word as you mean it.”
“Aura is… Hmm…” Wicama paused thoughtfully and gestured at the atrium. The interior was in better shape than the grounds, and the architect had done something clever. Not yet noon, a bevel along the top edge filled the space with sunlight. “Have you ever walked along a beach and wanted to save a shell? When you are there, that is aura… When you take the shell home and think of the beach, that is aura, but… less focused. Diminished. You sense the beach because of the shell, but you are not at the beach. Places can have aura, but it is more than character. If you move through a place and find yourself experiencing it? That is aura.”
“Mhm! *lodevole!* I like this idea very much. It would be right at home in the Vatican. Not everyone understands a space can move the spirit, or lend power to a message.” He nodded thoughtfully as he cast his eye about the open space. “With the right advice, perhaps we can lead others to these halls.”
“Perhaps. If you tour the Palace, I hope you’ll allow me to show you about? A lot of the real gems are hidden from the public.” She watched as he wandered toward the double-helixed stairways bordering the room. Those were definitely Helkam; walking up one side without meeting someone coming down the other was an interesting experience… once. After that, they could be an absolute nuisance. Spotting the elevators, she called him back. “The nice thing is this place is inexpensive! That will pad out your funds for a good remodel.”
Wicama quietly thanked the Goddesses that the builder’s had the good sense to install normal Shil’vati-style elevators. The sides were open, granting a wide view out over the atrium. The grounds were terraced to create a small park; that could make the underground space bearable, and the plans made them seem spacious enough. Not to everyone’s taste, but pretty. “I feel bad for asking, but can you afford the building? If the price of the first two bothered you, we can find others.”
“I would not hear of it! Thank you for your concern, but we are economical with our funds, and were sent with a generous sum. This is an important venture to everyone involved,” Barcio clasped a hand over his chest, as he shook his head. “I can not thank you enough for your help! You have surely spared me weeks, and I might not have found something half so suitable. As it is, the grounds are enough to gain me converts. Father Roscio and Pastor Weber will surely plant a vineyard before the inside is half done!”
“It’s not a problem. I have plenty of time,” she replied, dismissing the matter as inconsequential. “I work at the Palace, but with the Court away and my daughter at school, I’m a bit at loose ends just now. At the very least, I insist on helping you through the paperwork. I wouldn’t put it past some realty clerks to try and overcharge you… Someone from outside Shil, that is. I’ll ensure they stick to the listing.”
“To someone not from Shil… or someone who is not Shil’vati, perhaps?” His head canted slightly to one side, but he smiled as he said it. “*Certamente!* I would not dream of preventing you, though Rabbi Kleinbaum will be bitterly disappointed she has nothing to moan about.”
“I hope you won't take this badly, as I’ve only met one Human.” Wicama gave him a smile. She was long past girlish uncertainty, and the Navy had taught her a generous measure of professional poise to go with her skills as a markswoman. “You aren’t what I expected.”
“You know the professore, then?” He sucked in a breath and pursed his lips. “I am still deciding what sort of man he is.”
“No, actually, I know another Human but I’ve not… I have not… met Professor Warrick.”
“So. You mean that I am not *un barbaro*? I am here to make sure that we are seen as something more than savage warriors, *capisci*?” He studied her expectantly. “While the Imperium is doing good work on Earth, some still live in want. The Imperium provides enough for all to survive, but not all live in plenty. We need to present ourselves well.”
”That seems like a very secular outlook.” She offered, as they rode up to the third floor. Barcio asked for an explanation of the word, and by the time they’d made their way through the first offices he had the idea.
“My church has not always troubled itself with such things, but our holy father is greatly concerned with such inequalities. He takes it upon himself to address such matters with the Governess, when their time allows.”
“Your church has a good relationship with her?”
“È straordinario! The Governess adores our food, and while she was adamant about taking quarters in the Vatican, she has taken pains not to disturb us.” He shrugged dismissively. “*Cosa sai fare?* It seemed a small price, and we have endured far worse.”
“I used to hear terrible stories about red zones on Earth, though the Humans I’ve met don't seem the sort. It is good that your… pulp?” She tried the word and was rewarded with kind laughter and a gentle correction. “It is good that your pope concerns himself with the full welfare of the people and works with your governess. Our prelates share the same concerns.”
“I thought the Empress was the head of your church? Now, I find you have many…” he groped for a word, frowning, and gave up. “*Questo accento è una prova di fede!* ‘Denominations’ is not the right word, but she is the one revered, yes?”
“Of course! The Empress has to show all of our virtues and none of our faults, but that’s part of her role. To favor any divinity over the others could cause divisions. She has her personal preferences, of course, but never lets them be known.” Wicama explained carefully. “It would be in poor taste.”
“And poor politics, I think?” Santino gave her a long look. At his height it was difficult, but he managed. “This makes sense to me now, that the Imperium leaves matters of faith alone. *Una benedizione inaspettata.*”
Despite the serious topic, his fervent reply brought a smile back to her lips. “It seems your pope considers politics as well as economics.”
“People will always defend economic theories which assume that growth will inevitably succeed in bringing about greater justice. This has never been confirmed by the facts, and expresses a crude trust in the goodness of those wielding economic power and the sacralized workings of the prevailing economic system.” He said, stopping to clasp a hand over his cross. “Meanwhile, the excluded are still waiting.”
“That doesn't sound like scripture.” She offered cautiously, as they made their way into a wider suite of offices on the second floor.
“*Esattamente.* The words of Pope Francis, a good and blessed man who appointed me to my position. His successor, his holiness John Paul the Third, is much of the same mind,” Santino said quietly. “Our savior washed the feet of others and urged all to do the same. The hardest step is to be involved. To work together for change, as well as to pray. That is why I am here.
“*I pigri di cuore trovano sempre una scusa* Some Humans, they are yet angry with the Imperium. Now they have enough, they are bitter not to have plenty. For some there is never enough - the true poverty lies within their hearts,” Santino said a bit testily. “Our faith teaches us to find salvation in eternal life, but others? *Pigrizia!* They see it as an excuse from taking agency in themselves. Jesus washed the feet of others - he did not lay down and wait for someone to wash his!”
Wicama turned the unfamiliar metaphor over in her mind but decided she had the sense of it. “Sham teaches us that helping our families and one another is the same as helping ourselves. ‘The rising tide bares us all from the reefs’.” It was a matter of faith… but that was why it was faith in the first place. On the whole, it seemed like a mature perspective that explained the changes she’d seen in Prince Adam over the years. “You’re here to meet with others, but this seems as much about knowing yourselves.”
“*Sì, non è una brutta cosa avere umiltà davanti a Dio.* Human beings, while we are capable of the worst, we are also capable of choosing the good. Of rising up to make a new start. We are entering the galaxy.” He gestured out the window at the world beyond. “If not now… when?”
_ _ _ “So, when are you going to explain this masterpiece you four have been cooking up?” Marin asked. Sammi and Sam were barely awake but the twins had already arrived, bright-eyed and enthusiastic, and Marin cursed the resilience of youth. The room was acceptably warm, but Ayen had complained about the cold and used the excuse to slip back into bed. She was considering her options for joining him.
Somewhere, somehow, Sammi had found their rabbit pajamas again. “Sam, explain it to her? You do it better.” Sammi yawned, but Marin suspected it was an act. Once something got their attention, sleep was usually an afterthought.
“What, now?” Sam had barely stumbled into the room and blinked. Bleary-eyed and barely awake, he looked like he’d been ambushed, which was exactly the case.
“Pllllllleeeease…?” They sat back pulling the ears, giving their best Roger Rabbit impression. Luminous green eyes peered out at Sam, imploringly.
“Alright… I need coffee, but fine.” Sam trudged over to the kitchenette and poked listlessly at the instant coffee. It was getting perilously low, but Marin was sure he’d brought more on the ship. Eventually Sam gestured at the K’herbhal sisters with his mug. “So the girls want to create an artificial topological soliton. It's like a black hole, except where it isn't… It's sort of a kink in space-time.”
“Made you say kink!” Sammi grinned impishly and the girls blushed. Marin shook her head but paid attention. It felt far too early after another late night, but once everyone was up you had to hang on for whatever came next.
“So, what's that got to do with this… hole you want to use for power?” Marin raised her voice just enough to drag the conversation back on track.
“It’s more like a side effect. If it cuts the right angle, it goes into a realm of space-time we can tap for power. Think of it as an obverse of an energy drain, so it's like a white hole.”
“Let me guess.” Marin shook her head and grinned, holding up a hand to forestall the inevitable. “Except where it isn’t?”
“Ummm… pretty much.” Sam grumbled, blowing at his coffee. Marin glanced back at the twins. With Sam busy, the twins had gravitated to either side of Sammi. There was room left on the couch, and she wandered over to settle in beside one of them.
The Sams had been complaining for years about a lack of ‘focal power’ for their mass compression technologies, and while a rubber duck inside a diamond was impressive, they’d wanted to do something more - a lot more. She suspected if the twins were providing the means, then they already had something about to surface from the depths of their imaginations. Over the years she’d learned to pick a bit, rather than take their answers at straight value. “And if things don’t cut at the right angle? You remember how long it took to get rid of the Navy, when you started talking about making black holes?”
“It's not our fault they didn’t understand,” Sammi said defensively, crossing their arms and pouting at her before the rabbit ears fell over their face.
“Who didn’t understand what?” Akeimei yawned at the door. She cast a wink her way before wrapping her arms around Sam and gave him a quick hug. “What did I miss?”
“Umm… a parallel universe, if the math is right,” Sam mumbled from the depths of his coffee cup.
“What? Like identical versions of us?” Marin watched Akimei’s nose wrinkled at the smell before she slipped away from Sam. Slipped down beside her, they rubbed shoulders a moment. “Tell me, is there one where I get more sleep?”
“More or less identical… though it's not like you need to go into a parallel universe for that sort of thing. There’s already a ‘you’ out there somewhere right now, to say nothing of past and future ‘you’.” Sam scratched his cheek idly for a moment “It's just the math. The universe is so vast that there are exact physical cosmic twins of us out there somewhere, not to mention even more almost-twins.”
“Sam’s right!” Sammi perked up excitedly, bouncing on the sofa. “Then there are quantum cosmic twins - which gets weird because particles exist in multiple states and you’d sort of overlap… but the easiest one is probably just another us elsewhere in the universe right now! That's sort of the point where the universe is bigger than you can imagine!”
“So exactly the same… or almost.” One of the twins giggled. “Just like us!”
“Pretty much,” Sam nodded, slowly emerging from the depths of his coffee. “Another you out there on another Shil, or another me on a whole Earth, even - just a little bit different.”
“What? Like an Earth that never met the Imperium?” Marin canted her head, tossing out the obvious. It was hard to remember her life before, and she didn’t want to contemplate the alternative.
“Oh, I don't like that idea.” One of the twins stuck out her lip. “We want to come to Earth!”
“Yeah,” her sister nodded, though she suddenly looked glum. “I don’t know if Professor Warrick would mind though. He’d be with his wife and daughter, there.”
“Oh…” her sister's face crumpled. “I didn’t think of it that way.”
“Well, don’t…” Sammi hugged them both a moment, though they held the first twin a bit tighter. “The point is, somewhere he’s with them right now!”
“Wow, I guess so.” she brightened. “Just imagine! A whole Earth that never met the Shil’vati!”
“I wouldn’t worry, sis.” her twin nodded. “I think Professor Warrick is pretty happy right now.”
_ _ _
“I am not happy about this!” Tom glared at his omni-pad before tossing it down in frustration.
Miv looked up at her husband.
“It’s an honor!” She tucked her chin in and gave him a long, considered look, “What is it that’s bothering you - really? It wasn't Monsignor Barcio. Are you certain this isn't the same sort of thing?”
“Yes, I’m sure!” he growled, looking away like a guilty child. “Alright, maybe… but this uniform is the silliest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ll look like a mushroom, and the hat only makes it worse!" Tom grimaced at the omni-pad accusingly, "They won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, so now I’m on the rolls as a Warden Captain - whatever that is - and this ceremony is ridiculous!”
“The ceremony is traditional. Very symbolic... Besides, they don't make wardens out of anyone below the rank of captain - I looked it up. You were one before, so it's appropriate to make you one instead of a Warden Major or Warden Colonel.” She smiled at him serenely. “Surely, it can’t be the worst thing you’ve ever done.”
He turned to wag a finger her way. “I’ll take that bet!”
“Worse than our wedding reception…?” She crooned, teasing him. “Or maybe pre-term night? I swear by the Goddess no one will pinch your ass, except for Lea and I.”
“Fine…” Her smile grew wider as he grumbled, but he was calming down already and there wasn't heat in it. Still, he stubbornly clung on to the point a while longer. "It’s in my top five.”
“I’m sure you’ll survive, husband. Now then, I have meetings all afternoon, so why don't you finish reviewing the menu? You’ll feel better when all this is over and you can go back to cooking, chess, or starting that eeeyiy club… You might even give Ce’lani a call or message her?” She gathered her coat and smiled demurely, though it harbored nothing innocent. “If I’m not here you’ll have perfect privacy… Just don't promise anything you wouldn't promise to me.”
“It’s iai-do…” Tom groused, but he was already picking up his omni-pad.
She blew him a kiss and made her way toward the commons. Tom would probably stew a while, but he’d make the call.
There would be time to meet with Ce’lani on the common, before she had to come home for dinner.
_ _ _
Tom looked over the banquet menu as if it might reach out and bite him. The words stared up at him with perfect innocence.
Appetizer: Fruit and Cheese Platter - Slices of various cheeses and fruits on a platter providing a delicate mix of sweet, tangy and creamy to invigorate the dining experience. Serve with a selection of sweet and semi-sweet wines.
Soup: Choice of Tomato or French Onion Soup - Served with a piece of baguette and cheese.
Salad: Strawberry Salad with Poppy Seed Dressing -- an assortment of greens and fruit with a balsamic grain dressing to cleanse the palate.
Entree: Cornish Pasty - This herb-infused meat and pastry dish provides a counterpoint to the tangy taste of the salad and soup. Served with a creamy buttered mashed potato (a vegetable, humanely prepared!) with chives (also a vegetable). Served with a selection of wines or ales.
Dessert: Chef’s Sorbet Surprise - A sweet treat complemented by a palate cleanser, ending the meal on a piquant note.
His last call with Bherdin had been a trial and a half. Omni-pads were the definition of ‘high fidelity’, and hearing the little Shil’vati hyperventilate for ten minutes over the plan was pointless. At least Melondi had easier going with Vedeem on her side... one way or another this was happening.
As a final consolation, he relented on wearing matching suits. Bherdin frequently bemoaned Tom’s 'lamentable' fashion sense, and he perked up at that, promising to get him some appropriate formalwear for the occasion.
Privately, he suspected his Shil’vati friend was looking for a convenient alibi if a riot started.
In fairness, it probably wasn't a bad idea.
“Too late to use it myself…” he muttered. It wasn’t quite noon, and Miv was probably right. Instead of Chess Club or starting Iai-do practice or just cooking out at Human Food, he was stuck here at home. Miv’s place was bigger, but most of his stuff was still in boxes; it left him listless and climbing the walls. If this worked, at least things could get back to normal.
…Mostly normal…
He flipped back to the picture of the Warden uniform on his omni-pad. It was bad enough, but the hat made the whole thing look like a blue toadstool in silver filigree.
He swiped the picture away like an act of revenge, but didn’t toss the pad back on the table.
…Miv was right... and I promised to call Ce’lani…
Tom centered himself, pulling up the number. The universe was always in motion and a good Taoist accepted their part in what came. That was the lesson of ‘the Vinegar Tasters’, and it held true… The painting showed three men standing around a vat of vinegar. Each has dipped his finger into the vinegar and tasted it. The expression on each man's face showed his individual reaction.
The painting was an allegory for Confucius, Buddha, and Lao-tse. Confucius wore a sour look on his face. He believed life was out of harmony with the universe. As the second figure in the painting, Buddha had a bitter expression. Like the vinegar, life was painful and filled with attachments and desires that led to suffering. The last man, Lao-tse, was smiling at the taste. To him, harmony existed naturally and could be found by anyone at any time in any experience.
He thought about his buddy Dave. The old Marine would probably shake his head and tell him to ‘embrace the suck.’ It pretty much boiled down to the same thing.
Not that he was against calling. Miv and Lea had practically taken turns urging him on and giving their views on why it was a good idea. They hadn't harped about it, but he knew which way the wind was blowing. And Ce’lani’s message had been short, sweet in the literal sense, and the sound file she’d offered up had been…
…Pretty nice, really…
If he still said no, or decided he didn't like where this was going, they’d back his choice, of course. He didn't have a doubt in his mind… But with everything else in his life turned upside down, calling Ce’lani seemed like a calm in the eye of a storm.
…It's just a phone call. Leave the chaos at the gate…
He settled down on the couch to check his messages before giving her a call. It was nearly lunch…

Maryland is also known by the name of "America in Miniature" because of its numerous diversity in geography and culture. This makes it the perfect east coast location for those who like to see something of all. From amusement parks, beaches, historic sites and mountains There is plenty to do and see.
Maryland Zoo in Baltimore The Maryland Zoo in Baltimore has been in existence for more than 150 years. It was established in the historical Druid Hill Park in 1876. The zoo is one of the oldest Zoos in the world. Some believe it is the third or even the second oldest. The zoo includes five major areas: the Schaefer Plaza, Central area, Maryland Wilderness, African Journey, and Northern Passage. There are many events happening throughout the year that enhance the enjoyment of animals in the Zoo.
Salisbury Zoological Park Salisbury Zoological Park is the smallest zoo in Salisbury It has about 100 animals spread across 12 acres. They are focused on animals that originate from North as well as South America and Australia. The main attractions are the exhibit of a sloth and the exhibits that include Bear, Alpaca, and Jaguar. Museum is free, but they do accept donations. It is accessible all day, except during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Have dreams of flying to and touring your favourite tourist destinations on a budget? Book cheap flights from NYC to Maryland with Lowest Flight Fares and make them come true.
National Aquarium Few places can boast of being the national office and Baltimore's National Aquarium in Baltimore does. It is home to over 1.5 million people visiting it each year. The tanks contain 2.2 million gallons of water. They also house more than 17,000 of the animals. It includes things such as the Upland Tropical Rainforest, an Atlantic Coral Reef, an open ocean shark tank and an Australian region. The aquarium is situated on an inner harbour's waterfront. in Baltimore's downtown. Baltimore.
Glen Echo Park Aquarium This is an aquarium with a smaller size in Glen Echo Park, which is closer to D.C. than it is close to Baltimore however it is still too far away from Baltimore. It houses several hundred animals as well as a touch tank as well as interactive exhibits for kids as well as adults. It is mostly focused on the aquatic creatures in the Chesapeake Bay and the rivers that drain into the bay. There is a pirate ship on which it is possible that you can meet pirates as well as search for treasure. The venue is available for birthday celebrations and other special occasions.
The Inner Harbor There is a beautiful waterfront, with an attractive walkway through which it is possible that you will be able to observe many birds and maybe some sea animals. There are several historic ships in this harbour dating from the 1800s. There are many museums to visit that include children's museums, as well as informative programs on sea animals and marine creatures that inhabit the Chesapeake Bay.
Catoctin Wildlife Preserve The Catoctin Wildlife Preserve is an area in which animals are allowed to live in the same way as its natural surroundings. It is home to bears, monkeys, panthers, zebras and many more in the park's 100 acres. It is situated somewhere between Thurmond as well as Hagerstown. There are several interactions with animals that are possible, and there are opportunities to feed and pet the animals. The zoo is closed for winter for a few months in the course of the year.
Plumpton Park Zoo It is located in the Plumpton Park Zoo is in the village located in Rising Sun, along Route 273 Also called Route 273, also known as Mason and Dixon Scenic Byway. It is accessible all year long, every day of the week; however, hours vary in the winter and summer months. The zoo houses more than 200 animals, the majority of them were brought in by individuals who were unable to take care of their animals anymore.
Insect Zoo There are many displays that feature insects like flies, spiders, roaches and a variety of other types of insects that are native to Maryland. Professional etymologists offer a guiding tour that explains everything you're interested in knowing about insects and how they can benefit our world. The insect aquarium is part of Maryland's University of Maryland.
Blackwater National Wildlife Refuge The Blackwater Wildlife Refuge was started in 1933 in order to protect the sanctuary of waterfowl as it is situated along the Atlantic Flyway for migrating birds. The region is well-known for its eagles as well. There is an eagle-themed festival every year. There are many bird of prey programs including children's programs and refuge tours.
Cranesville Subarctic Swamp The Cranesville Subarctic Swamp is a tiny sanctuary near Oakland in northern Maryland. It is a tiny forest which is home to a variety of species of unique animals, plants and birds. The swamp is an ancient peat bog which was formed around 15000 years ago following an Ice Age. This is an excellent spot to observe birds of all varieties, including threatened Bog Copper Butterflies.

[←Chapter 50] [Cover Art] [My Links] [Index] [Discord] [Subreddit] [Chapter 52→]
The first sensation that came to him was the gentle lapping of something cool around his legs. The feeling in question had an almost kindly character to it. He let that sensation carry him through the rivers of muddled consciousness, thought slowly emerging.
The first question was a pressing, if quite basic one.
Was he?
It dominated his mind, filling it to the brim as he asserted his existence. He certainly did exist, that he was fairly sure of - what was considering the question, if nothing indeed existed? So he must exist, but in exactly what mode or medium he wasn’t exactly sure. All he knew was of himself, drifting along a slurry of thought, with something cool lapping at his legs.
So, then if that question was, at least for the time being, answered, who was he?
He strained at the boundaries of his empty mind, and found nothing - no scrap nor iota of recollection or memory.
He gave up, and left himself to drift for an indeterminate time.
The third question, which he hoped might be a little easier to answer - where was he?
He opened something with effort, and something bright streamed in. ‘Eyes’. That’s what he had opened, and the streaming thing was ‘light’. It wasn’t the usual kind, at least he thought so, although he couldn’t exactly remember what the ‘usual’ kind was. It was soft, gentle, not so much ‘streaming’ in, but laid down on the surface of his vision like gossamer.
As his vision resolved, he became aware of what lay… in front of him? Above him? Directionality was a little fuzzy. What he did experience was blurred tones of orange, red, blue and dark purple, mixing together in splashes and strokes. The ultimate effect was something like a gradual gradient, with uncountable tiny dots letting forth that soft light.
Ah.
Starlight.
He was looking upwards then, with a sky full of stars and colour above. Again, there was that definite sense of the unusual, that this was not what skies were ‘supposed’ to look like. And again, he couldn’t quite remember what the ‘usual’ sky was to contrast. Something deep within told him that he’d seen many skies, or potentially the same sky many times, and it did not look like this.
His body, light as a feather, experienced no strain as he sat up. Once more, the unusual feeling, and once more, no usual feelings to compare it to. His legs were submerged into dark waters, which rose and fell around him slowly. Cool, but not painful or irritatingly cold, it stretched out with only the merest ripple into the horizon. Below him, yes it must have been ‘below’, was a fine black sand that gently sloped into the ocean.
So that was what was forward, now what about behind?
He turned something, his ‘head’ he seemed to recall, and found much of the same. Another sea, although this one was made out of the black sand instead of the black water. The dunes too stretched to the horizon and beyond, with the stars vanishing behind them.
So, where was he then? Evidently ‘here’, wherever here was. Now, he was certain that he’d been somewhere else before, but had no way of knowing where nor how long ago it’d been. Had he been ‘here’ before? Perhaps. There was a sense of familiarity to the place.
He stood with the merest effort, black grains cascading down to join their siblings. One foot after another sank into the damp sand and soon he’d left the imprint of his body long behind. The stars, nor the sea, nor the sand seemed to change character or position as he walked.
Onward. Onward. Onward, along what he thought was a straight line into the far distance.
It was some time later when he stopped to take a glance around, and found nothing behind him. Perhaps he’d barely moved at all, and the imprint had merely been washed away by the gentle waves, or perhaps it was too far into the distance to see. There was nothing before him either, merely the exact same sand, water, and stars. There was no lightening or darkening of the endless sky, no change in the positions of the constellations, merely the black desert, eternal for all he knew.
Perhaps no time had passed at all, and all the movement was merely inside his mind.
The water flowed over his feet as he walked at its edge, trying to discern matters of who, where, what, when, why? Perhaps he was nobody, perhaps this place was nowhere, and perhaps there was no real reason to be here other than… being here. It was all rather confusing and any time he seemed to be getting close to an answer it stole away.
Ultimately, when all the questions were gone, there was only the walk, one step, two step, across the sand.
He tried to count the steps and got lost somewhere around fifty thousand. He tried to gauge whether he was ‘hungry’, or ‘tired’. Those were things, he thought he knew, that were supposed to happen after a while. If he was remembering correctly, such things seemed to have little sway here. Hence, time passed, for him if not the world, and he found himself walking onwards.
He seemed to remember a concept of ‘day’ and ‘night’, a brightening of the darkening used to tell time. But the light was always the same here, an ethereal twilight stuck between the two. There had been something else, however, that he was sure of, that indicated the passage of night and day.
It took him another couple thousand steps before he finally had it. Sun and Moon, that had been it, hadn’t it? They were… circular, that he was pretty sure of, and one had been warm, and the other cooler, and smaller. The moon was the former, and the sun was the latter, or maybe the other way around?
New thoughts shelved for the moment, he continued on his path to places unknown. It took his fancy to turn left and wander across the dunes with the ocean to his back. Up and down, up and down, he trudged across the hills and troughs of the dunes. Yet, when he glanced back from time to time, the ocean always seemed to be the same approximate distance. He kept at it for a while, trying to see if there was any indication of distance being gained.
It was a consummate failure. The sea was still there, its lapping waters calling to his back.
Once more, he found himself at that endless shore, and in the far distance, both touchable yet incomprehensibly distant, hung a pale circle.
‘Moon’.
He remembered that, at least.
The sea had changed, gone from bare ripples to a smooth mirror. The darkness underneath its surface had deepened, something stirring beneath. It was reaching for him, no longer be beckoning, with a hunger that belied its apparent calmness. The moon hung low to touch the sea and where they met, a black shadow pressed against the interstice.
From that shadow a voice ripped across the stilled waters, prying against his ears. The worlds were fashioned out of something sharper than any blade, darker than the night sky, peeling reality with harsh syllables.
“PAIN,” it said, over and over, a drum sounded out the beat of a wild and wounded heart.
The water had crept up around him while he stared, small waves brushing just below his knees. The shadow against the moon grew great and terrible, half submerged, half silhouette. The character of the thing was impossible to make out, with only the vaguest resemblance to a horrible flower. Elements of it unfolded like petals with a luminosity that shattered the twilight of the desert.
There was a gaze, or perhaps a multitudes of directed lines of intention that intersected solely on him. He was dissected, without consideration of dignity or privacy, everything perceived and understood. The waters before him parted, drawn back like bare cloth and he saw the true scale of the thing.
It underlay the bottom of the world, an incomprehensible mass of tangled roots and mad thoughts spreading through every deep place and high recess. All merged, all twisted with no end nor beginning, and deeper, deeper still, a baleful light shining as a furious star. It pummelled his perception, tore at what little memory or identity remained, coiling and snaking those hateful roots through his very soul.
He began to slip, pulled as inexorably as gravity pulled one downard without pity or reprieve. He was a grim prize, an unknowing creature that had walked into reach of the mind flower. The waters rising, he attempted to summon a pathetic protest, to deny the fate which had been chosen for him. Such defences were swept aside and crushed with unceremonious ease, as the waters rose, and rose, and rose. He felt the first touch of the thing, uncountable mental fingers groping, and having found their target within him, closing in an impossible grip.
The scream was high and hideous, an echo of a thousand languages calling out in incomprehensible fury. His own soul began to crackle in tandem with a pain so furious it drowned every other sensation. All of it, the scream, the water, the faint pressure of the moonlight, blurred into the chaotic static. A rent in reality was beneath him, around him, the beach vanishing into the distance. He was falling into a void, where nothing and no one could reach.
The dread certainty of utter destruction was upon him. Whatever impression he’d left upon existence would be washed away, mere grains of sand drawn into the depths of the sea, never to be seen nor known by anyone nor anything.
But before that fate was sealed with oblivion, something pulsed out across the darkness. Something high and pure and beautiful where there was once only the corrupt horror of the flowering abomination.
He found himself curled up on the sand, staring out into a moonless sea.
It took him some time to remember who he was, or rather, the fact that he was, period. A sense of horror, pain, and a narrow escape from peril echoed in his head, though the detail was fuzzy. Clutching himself, and shivering despite the lack of chill, he lay on the sand for an indeterminate amount of time.
When he managed to pull himself up to his knees, he found that the scene had definitely changed. The dunes and stars were all the same, but what lay between them was entirely different. The empty air folded and swirled, little eddies and ripples and warps, turning the sand and waters into structure.
Climbing to his feet, he found that the distortions stretched out far into the distance, expanding and extending to greater heights and widths, increasing in complexity and detail. He was standing in a place, something definite and specific, built with purpose and intent.
He walked out into the warped location, clambering deeper and deeper into the distortions. He found that the shapes became more definite, and more obvious the further he went. There were flowers, yes, unmistakably flowers, of different shapes and sizes. A twisted lamppost without candle to light it, recalling other memories of warmth and lights. A rocky stream, complete with moss and lichens, so real he could almost hear the bubbling of non-existent waters.
The next dune brought more sights, trees and cobbles and blades of grass. The one after that, walls, both chest high and well above his head. It was building itself around him as he stepped over the sand, and when he crossed the last dune…
Promenades and boulevards, staircases and great lofts, immense windows and walls that looped and winded and reconnected with each other in ways that seemed impossible. Corridor after loft after wing after walkway, terraces and sloped beds and balconies and pillars. None with any colour or brightness of their own, but rather sculpted out of the stars and sand and sea.
Space itself had been folded, pinched, and pressed to create a masterwork of bizarre architecture. Between all of the structures, there were trees and flowers and lawns of both distantly familiar and absolutely alien character. It was a garden, a garden in a timeless place with no colour, yet substance.
A garden of glass.
He stepped on the transparent cobbles, and walked a zig-zagging path that turned into itself and out between an arch of a walkway. He was greeted with a small pool and the sound of falling water. He stooped and gathered a handful of a liquid that he couldn’t see, but could feel. Deep within, far larger than what should’ve fit through the portal, swam immense creatures. Coiling and folding in on themselves like the garden itself, they floated above what must’ve been an entire city, all sunk deep below the black sand.
He surveyed the series of bridges and districts that extended into the dark, before finding to his left another bench. This one had not been there before, and was now accompanied by an immaculate lamppost that emitted a not-light. From a spiralling post, there were hanging baskets of flowers with trailing vines that moved in a non-existent wind. He made his way over, and found that the bench held his weight without give.
An indeterminate amount of time was spent on trying to guess at the rhyme or reason behind the labyrinthine architecture. Eventually, he had to give up, the turns and twists impossible to follow for long. Perhaps it had not been designed at all, rather such complexity was some kind of inevitable law of this place.
There was something beside him on the bench.
He picked it up, taking more than a moment to recognize what it was, so different was it from the rest of the Garden. Solid, with a colour and texture all its own, a paper envelope, faded by age and dust, with a flaking red seal at its centre. A ‘letter’, alive and unsculpted unlike the garden, with its own sound and smell. He picked at the wax, and opened the letter with the satisfying rustle and scent of old, folding paper.
Then he departed from the grey half-life of the black beach, and found himself somewhere entirely different.
He was at a desk, his desk, a great behemoth of red-brown wood with a frankly ridiculous amount of drawers. Not that he could see much of them, with the sheer amount of parchment and books drowning the surface. He had a hand, one of warm flesh and blood, closed around an inkwell that was teetering dangerously over a fresh sheet.
He frowned at the sudden sense of displacement, sure that there was something wrong, but he wasn’t quite sure wha-
A knock at the door, hurried but strong, came to interrupt his thoughts. It was almost hidden behind one of the great red curtains arranged around the walls of the considerable room. Light bled through a handful of them, suggesting the presence of windows. Those walls that didn’t were furnished by floor-to-ceiling bookshelves stuffed to the gills. He quickly righted the inkwell, and gave some customary response while drying his hands with a cloth.
A voice, muffled by the wall, but still legible as a young woman’s, answered, and the door practically flew open. Into the room bursted a youth in the prime of adulthood, carrying a dusty grimoire. She paced toward the desk, and he suspected that she was barely holding herself from sprinting.
Before he could afford even a ‘good morning’, as was their custom, she slammed the book on his desk. This drew both an annoyed grunt and a reproachful look from him, which she responded to by nearly spilling an inkwell as she flipped open to a page. Words began to drift in and out of perspective, too blurry to make out. Clearly she was excited about something - well of course, she was always excited about something or other.
Wait, how did he know that?
How did he know her? He definitely did.
He was about to reach out, to call out, to ask her name, who she was, who he was, before her final words came into sharp clarity.
“...and that’s only the beginning, professor Efrain!”
Efrain. Yes. Yes, that had been his name. In some other time, some other place.
‘Efrain’.
The vision was gone, and he was sitting on a bench made from black sand in a garden made from the world. Above him, between all the spires and walkways, a great thing floated. It looked almost like swirling scraps of cloth and paper, scrawled in ink and charcoal, with words and symbols from many different languages. They twisted and compressed into a sharp point beyond his eye’s sight, but which he was certain looked at him.
He wasn’t pulled, that would imply that some kind of force was exerted upon him. Rather, the scene shifted and moved so that he was closer to the mass of turning lexicons.
“You do not belong here,” came a voice, authoritative and cold.
The garden, the beach, the stars and sand, all vanished upwards as he tumbled, deeper and deeper. Out of space and memory and time he fell into a warm current which carried him away back to a different consciousness altogether.
[←Chapter 50] [Cover Art] [My Links] [Index] [Discord] [Subreddit] [Chapter 52→]

Another month, another retirement update! A lot of sets changed dates this month, and even more new sets got added! Which reminds me, I'm considering making a /legoleak Discord server in order to expand more on leaks, answer questions, and provide daily retirement updates. If there's interest in that, I'll work on having it done before the next list!
As always, we owe a massive thanks to ZombieYeti from the BrickHound Discord for providing this valuable data. If you're looking for real-time in-stock/deal alerts for Lego.com and other sites, make sure to check out his server: https://discord.gg/BwezK2t5qf
This information is scraped directly from Lego's website, and all dates are subject to change. ZombieYeti is currently developing a website to host this data and offer real-time updates. In the meantime, here is a list of every set and their corresponding retirement date as per LEGO's system!
FULL LIST ON GOOGLE SHEETS HERE <--
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. Due to Reddit's character limits, we can't include everything here, but the full spreadsheet contains every set.
CHANGES IN JUNE:

Theme	Set #	Set Name	Old Date	New Date	Change
Avatar	75577	Mako Submarine	Dec 31, 2024	Dec 31, 2023	-1 year
Avatar	75578	Metkayina Reef Home	Dec 31, 2024	Dec 31, 2023	-1 year
Classic	11020	Build Together	Dec 31, 2024	Dec 31, 2023	-1 year
Duplo	10966	Bath Time Fun: Floating Animal Island	Dec 31, 2024	Dec 31, 2023	-1 year
City	60388	Gaming Tournament Truck	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Creator	31143	Birdhouse	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Friends	41735	Mobile Tiny House	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Harry Potter	75969	Hogwarts Astronomy Tower	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Icons	10306	Atari 2600	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Ideas	21331	Sonic the Hedgehog - Green Hill Zone	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Jurassic Park / World	76946	Blue & Beta Velociraptor Capture	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Jurassic Park / World	76951	Pyroraptor & Dilophosaurus Transport	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Marvel	76226	Spider-Man Figure	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Marvel	76241	Hulk Mech Armor	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Marvel	76243	Rocket Mech Armor	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Marvel	76245	Ghost Rider Mech & Bike	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Marvel	76256	Ant-Man Construction Figure	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Speed Champions	76906	1970 Ferrari 512 M	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Speed Champions	76907	Lotus Evija	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Star Wars	75333	Obi-Wan Kenobi's Jedi Starfighter	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Star Wars	75344	Boba Fett's Starship Microfighter	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year
Technic	42138	Ford Mustang Shelby GT500	Dec 31, 2023	Dec 31, 2024	+1 year

​
NEW SETS ADDED:

Theme	Set #	Set Name	Retirement Date
Holiday / City	60381	City Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Friends	41758	Friends Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Harry Potter	76418	Harry Potter Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Marvel	76267	Marvel Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Star Wars	75366	Star Wars Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71777	Kai's Dragon Power Flip	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71778	Nya's Dragon Power Drift	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71779	Lloyd's Dragon Power Spin	Dec 31, 2023
Batman	30653	Batman 1992 Polybag	Dec 31, 2024
Batman	76224	Batmobile: Batman vs. The Joker Chase	Dec 31, 2024
Batman	76252	Batcave – Shadow Box	Dec 31, 2024
Batman	76264	Batmobile Pursuit: Batman vs. The Joker (4+)	Dec 31, 2024
Batman	76265	Batwing: Batman vs. The Joker	Dec 31, 2024
City	60367	Passenger Airplane	Dec 31, 2024
City / 2K Drive	60395	Combo Race Pack	Dec 31, 2024
City / 2K Drive	60396	Modified Race Cars	Dec 31, 2024
City / 2K Drive	60397	Monster Truck Race	Dec 31, 2024
Creator	31144	Exotic Pink Parrot	Dec 31, 2024
DREAMZzz	40657	Dream Village	Dec 31, 2024
Friends	41756	Holiday Ski Slope and Café	Dec 31, 2024
Friends	41760	Igloo Holiday Adventure	Dec 31, 2024
Harry Potter	76419	Hogwarts Castle and Grounds	Dec 31, 2024
Harry Potter	76421	Dobby the House-Elf	Dec 31, 2024
Icons	40634	Icons of Play	Dec 31, 2024
Mario	71422	Picnic at Mario's House	Dec 31, 2024
Marvel	76249	Venomised Groot	Dec 31, 2024
Marvel	76261	Spider-Man Final Battle	Dec 31, 2024
Marvel	76262	Captain America's Shield	Dec 31, 2024
Marvel	76263	Iron Man Hulkbuster vs. Thanos (4+)	Dec 31, 2024
Marvel	76266	Endgame Final Battle	Dec 31, 2024
Minecraft	21247	The Axolotl House	Dec 31, 2024
Minecraft	21248	The Pumpkin Farm	Dec 31, 2024
Minecraft	21249	The Crafting Box 4.0	Dec 31, 2024
Minecraft	21250	The Iron Golem Fortress	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71789	Kai and Ras's Car and Bike Battle (4+)	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71790	Imperium Dragon Hunter Hound	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71791	Zane's Dragon Power Spinjitzu Race Car	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71792	Sora's Transforming Mech Bike Racer	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71793	Heatwave Transforming Lava Dragon	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71794	Lloyd and Arin's Ninja Team Mechs	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71795	Temple of the Dragon Energy Cores	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71796	Elemental Dragon vs. The Empress Mech	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71797	Destiny's Bounty - Race Against Time	Dec 31, 2024
Ninjago	71798	Nya and Arin's Baby Dragon Battle (4+)	Dec 31, 2024
Sonic	76993	Sonic vs. Dr. Eggman's Death Egg Robot	Dec 31, 2024
Star Wars	75359	332nd Ahsoka's Clone Trooper Battle Pack	Dec 31, 2024
Star Wars	75360	Yoda's Jedi Starfighter	Dec 31, 2024
Star Wars	75365	Yavin 4 Rebel Base	Dec 31, 2024
Star Wars	75368	Darth Vader Mech	Dec 31, 2024
Star Wars	75369	Boba Fett Mech	Dec 31, 2024
Star Wars	75370	Stormtrooper Mech	Dec 31, 2024
Duplo	10987	Recycling Truck	Dec 31, 2025
Duplo	10994	3-in-1 Family House	Dec 31, 2025
Duplo	10997	Camping Adventure	Dec 31, 2025
Ninjago	71799	NINJAGO City Markets	Dec 31, 2025
Technic	42161	Lamborghini Huracán Tecnica	Dec 31, 2025
Icons	10323	PAC-MAN Arcade	Dec 31, 2026
Technic	42160	Audi RS Q e-tron	Dec 31, 2026

​
SETS RETIRING IN 2023:

Theme	Set #	Set Name	Retirement Date
Classic	11015	Around the World	Jul 31, 2023
Creator	31123	Off-Road Buggy	Jul 31, 2023
Disney	10780	Mickey and Friends Castle Defenders	Jul 31, 2023
Disney	43203	Aurora, Merida and Tiana's Enchanted Creations	Jul 31, 2023
Dots	41962	Unicorn Creative Family Pack	Jul 31, 2023
Mario	71404	Goomba's Shoe	Jul 31, 2023
Mario	71407	Cat Peach Suit and Frozen Tower	Jul 31, 2023
Mario	71409	Big Spike's Cloudtop Challenge	Jul 31, 2023
Mario	71412	Big Bad Island	Jul 31, 2023
Mindstorms	51515	Robot Inventor	Jul 31, 2023
Minecraft	21187	The Red Barn	Jul 31, 2023
Ninjago	71738	Zane's Titan Mech Battle	Jul 31, 2023
Ninjago	71754	Water Dragon	Jul 31, 2023
Ninjago	71756	Hydro Bounty	Jul 31, 2023
Ninjago	71759	Ninja Dragon Temple (4+)	Jul 31, 2023
Ninjago	71762	Kai's Fire Dragon EVO	Jul 31, 2023
Ninjago	71770	Zane's Golden Dragon Jet	Jul 31, 2023
Ninjago	71773	Kai's Golden Dragon Raider	Jul 31, 2023
Technic	42129	4x4 Mercedes-Benz Zetros Trial Truck	Jul 31, 2023
Minifigures	71038	LEGO® Minifigures Disney 100	Aug 31, 2023
Architecture	21054	The White House	Dec 31, 2023
Art	31203	World Map	Dec 31, 2023
Art	31205	Jim Lee Batman Collection	Dec 31, 2023
Art	31206	The Rolling Stones	Dec 31, 2023
Art	31207	Floral Art	Dec 31, 2023
Avatar	75571	Neytiri & Thanator vs. AMP Suit Quaritch	Dec 31, 2023
Avatar	75573	Floating Mountains: Site 26 & RDA Samson	Dec 31, 2023
Avatar	75577	Mako Submarine	Dec 31, 2023
Avatar	75578	Metkayina Reef Home	Dec 31, 2023
Batman	76181	Batmobile: The Penguin Chase	Dec 31, 2023
Batman	76220	Batman versus Harley Quinn (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Brickheadz	40540	Lion Dance Guy	Dec 31, 2023
Brickheadz	40541	Manchester United Go Brick Me	Dec 31, 2023
Brickheadz	40542	FC Barcelona Go Brick Me	Dec 31, 2023
Brickheadz / Avatar	40554	Jake Sully & his Avatar	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Disney	40377	Donald Duck	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Disney	40378	Goofy & Pluto	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Disney	40476	Daisy Duck	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Disney	40477	Scrooge McDuck, Huey, Dewey & Louie	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Disney	40550	Chip & Dale	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Disney	40553	Woody and Bo Peep	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Disney	40622	Disney 100th Celebration (Oswald, Mickey, Snow White, Tinker Bell)	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Harry Potter	40495	Harry, Hermione, Ron & Hagrid	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Harry Potter	40560	Professors of Hogwarts	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Minecraft	40624	Alex	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Minecraft	40625	Llama	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Minecraft	40626	Zombie	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Star Wars	40539	Ahsoka Tano	Dec 31, 2023
BrickHeadz / Star Wars	40623	Battle of Endor Heroes	Dec 31, 2023
City	30590	Farm Garden & Scarecrow Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
City	30638	Police Bike Training Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
City	30639	Dog Park and Scooter Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
City	41723	Donut Shop	Dec 31, 2023
City	41726	Holiday Camping Trip	Dec 31, 2023
City	60253	Ice-Cream Truck	Dec 31, 2023
City	60313	Space Ride Amusement Truck	Dec 31, 2023
City	60314	Ice Cream Truck Police Chase	Dec 31, 2023
City	60315	Police Mobile Command Truck	Dec 31, 2023
City	60317	Police Chase at the Bank	Dec 31, 2023
City	60318	Fire Helicopter	Dec 31, 2023
City	60319	Fire Rescue & Police Chase	Dec 31, 2023
City	60320	Fire Station	Dec 31, 2023
City	60321	Fire Brigade	Dec 31, 2023
City	60322	Race Car Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
City	60323	Stunt Plane	Dec 31, 2023
City	60324	Mobile Crane	Dec 31, 2023
City	60325	Cement Mixer Truck	Dec 31, 2023
City	60327	Horse Transporter	Dec 31, 2023
City	60330	Hospital	Dec 31, 2023
City	60332	Reckless Scorpion Stunt Bike	Dec 31, 2023
City	60333	Bathtub Stunt Bike	Dec 31, 2023
City	60335	Train Station	Dec 31, 2023
City	60338	Chimpanzee Smash Stunt Loop	Dec 31, 2023
City	60339	Double Loop Stunt Arena	Dec 31, 2023
City	60341	The Knockdown Stunt Challenge	Dec 31, 2023
City	60342	The Shark Attack Stunt Challenge	Dec 31, 2023
City	60343	Rescue Helicopter Transporter	Dec 31, 2023
City	60346	Barn & Farm Animals	Dec 31, 2023
City	60348	Lunar Roving Vehicle	Dec 31, 2023
City	60349	Lunar Space Station	Dec 31, 2023
City	60350	Lunar Research Base	Dec 31, 2023
City	60351	Rocket Launch Centre	Dec 31, 2023
City	60353	Wild Animal Rescue Missions	Dec 31, 2023
City	60354	Mars Spacecraft Exploration Missions	Dec 31, 2023
City	60355	Water Police Detective Missions	Dec 31, 2023
City	60356	Bear Stunt Bike	Dec 31, 2023
City	60357	Stunt Truck & Ring of Fire Challenge	Dec 31, 2023
City	60358	Cyber Stunt Bike	Dec 31, 2023
City	60359	Dunk Stunt Ramp Challenge	Dec 31, 2023
City	60360	Spinning Stunt Challenge	Dec 31, 2023
City	60361	Ultimate Stunt Riders Challenge	Dec 31, 2023
City	60371	Emergency Vehicles HQ	Dec 31, 2023
City	60382	Vet Van Rescue	Dec 31, 2023
City	60385	Construction Digger	Dec 31, 2023
City	60390	Park Tractor	Dec 31, 2023
City	60393	4x4 Fire Truck Rescue	Dec 31, 2023
City	60394	ATV and Otter Habitat	Dec 31, 2023
City	60398	Family House and Electric Car	Dec 31, 2023
Classic	11014	Bricks and Wheels	Dec 31, 2023
Classic	11018	Creative Ocean Fun	Dec 31, 2023
Classic	11019	Bricks and Functions	Dec 31, 2023
Classic	11020	Build Together	Dec 31, 2023
Classic	11021	90 Years of Play	Dec 31, 2023
Classic	11022	Space Mission	Dec 31, 2023
Classic	11031	Creative Monkey Fun	Dec 31, 2023
Classic	30510	90 Years of Cars Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	30641	Panda Bear Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	30644	Vintage Car Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	31111	Cyber Drone	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	31118	Surfer Beach House	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	31127	Street Racer	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	31128	Dolphin and Turtle	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	31130	Sunken Treasure Mission	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	31131	Downtown Noodle Shop	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	31132	Viking Ship and the Midgard Serpent	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	40461	Tulips	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	40469	Tuk Tuk	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	40568	Paris Postcard	Dec 31, 2023
Creator	40646	Daffodils	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	10777	Mickey and Minnie's Camping Trip	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	30646	Moana's Dolphin Cove Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	40521	Mini Disney The Haunted Mansion	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	41168	Elsa's Jewellery Box	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43187	Rapunzel's Tower	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43189	Elsa and the Nokk Storybook Adventures	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43194	Anna and Elsa's Frozen Wonderland	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43196	Belle and the Beast's Castle	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43197	The Ice Castle	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43198	Anna's Castle Courtyard	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43199	Elsa's Castle Courtyard	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43202	The Madrigal House	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43204	Anna and Olaf's Castle Fun	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43207	Ariel's Underwater Palace	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43208	Jasmine and Mulan's Adventure	Dec 31, 2023
Disney	43209	Elsa and the Nokk's Ice Stable	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	30560	Pineapple Photo Holder & Mini Board Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41801	My Pets Bracelet	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41802	Unicorns Forever Bracelet	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41803	Extra Dots series 8	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41805	Creative Animal Drawer	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41806	Ultimate Party Kit	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41807	Bracelet Designer Mega Pack	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41947	Mickey and Friends Bracelets Mega Pack	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41948	Cute Banana Pen Holder	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41950	Lots of DOTS - Lettering	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41951	Message Board	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41957	Adhesive Patches Mega Pack	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41959	Cute Panda Tray	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41960	Big Box	Dec 31, 2023
Dots	41961	Designer Toolkit - Patterns	Dec 31, 2023
Dots / Disney	41963	Mickey Mouse & Minnie Mouse Stitch-on Patch	Dec 31, 2023
Dots / Disney	41964	Mickey Mouse & Minnie Mouse Back-to-School Project Box	Dec 31, 2023
Dots / Harry Potter	41808	Hogwarts Accessories Pack	Dec 31, 2023
Dots / Harry Potter	41809	Hedwig Pencil Holder	Dec 31, 2023
Dots / Harry Potter	41811	Hogwarts Desktop Kit	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10411	Learn About Chinese Culture	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10872	Train Bridge and Tracks	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10882	Train Tracks	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10930	Bulldozer	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10938	Dinosaur Nursery	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10944	Space Shuttle Mission	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10948	Parking Garage and Car Wash	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10949	Farm Animal Care	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10955	Animal Train	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10956	Amusement Park	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10964	Bath Time Fun: Floating Red Panda	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10966	Bath Time Fun: Floating Animal Island	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10968	Doctor Visit	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10972	Wild Animals of the Ocean	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10973	Wild Animals of South America	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10974	Wild Animals of Asia	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10977	My First Puppy & Kitten with Sounds	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10978	Creative Building Time	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	10979	Wild Animals of Europe	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo	30648	Whale Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo / Disney	10899	Frozen Ice Castle	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo / Disney	10960	Belle's Ballroom	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo / Disney	10962	Buzz Lightyear's Planetary Mission	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo / Holiday	10976	Santa's Gingerbread House	Dec 31, 2023
Duplo / Marvel	10963	Spider-Man & Friends: Funfair Adventure	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	30633	Skate Ramp	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	30634	Friendship Flowers Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41443	Olivia's Electric Car	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41677	Forest Waterfall	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41696	Pony-Washing Stable	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41697	Turtle Protection Vehicle	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41699	Pet Adoption Café	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41703	Friendship Tree House	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41704	Main Street Building	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41705	Heartlake City Pizzeria	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41707	Tree-Planting Vehicle	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41708	Roller Disco Arcade	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41711	Emma's Art School	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41712	Recycling Truck	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41713	Olivia's Space Academy	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41714	Andrea's Theatre School	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41715	Ice Cream Truck	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41716	Stephanie's Sailing Adventure	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41717	Mia's Wildlife Rescue	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41718	Pet Day-Care Center	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41719	Mobile Fashion Boutique	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41720	Water Park	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41721	Organic Farm	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41722	Horse Show Trailer	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41729	Organic Grocery Store	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41732	Downtown Flower and Design Stores	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41733	Mobile Bubble Tea Shop	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41741	Dog Rescue Van	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41742	Cat Hotel	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41743	Hair Salon	Dec 31, 2023
Friends	41751	Skate Park	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	30435	Build Your Own Hogwarts Castle Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	30651	Quidditch Practice Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	75968	4 Privet Drive	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	75979	Hedwig	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76386	Hogwarts: Polyjuice Potion Mistake	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76398	Hogwarts Hospital Wing	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76399	Hogwarts Magical Trunk	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76400	Hogwarts Carriage and Thestrals	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76401	Hogwarts Courtyard: Sirius's Rescue	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76403	The Ministry of Magic	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76406	Hungarian Horntail Dragon	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76408	12 Grimmauld Place	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76409	Gryffindor House Banner	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76410	Slytherin House Banner	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76411	Ravenclaw House Banner	Dec 31, 2023
Harry Potter	76412	Hufflepuff House Banner	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday	40426	Christmas Wreath 2-in-1	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday	40522	Valentine Lovebirds	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday	40523	Easter Rabbits Display	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday	40570	Halloween Cat and Mouse	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday	40571	Wintertime Polar Bears	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday	80110	Lunar New Year Display	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday	80111	Lunar New Year Parade	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / City	60381	City Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Creator	30584	Winter Holiday Train Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Creator	30642	Birthday Train Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Creator	30643	Easter Chickens Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Friends	41758	Friends Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Harry Potter	76418	Harry Potter Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Icons	10293	Santa's Visit	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Marvel	76267	Marvel Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Holiday / Star Wars	75366	Star Wars Advent Calendar 2023	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10265	Ford Mustang	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10266	NASA Apollo 11 Lunar Lander	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10273	Haunted House	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10276	Colosseum	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10289	Bird of Paradise	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10290	Pickup Truck	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10292	The Friends Apartments	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10299	Real Madrid - Santiago Bernabéu Stadium	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	10497	Galaxy Explorer	Dec 31, 2023
Icons	76989	Horizon Forbidden West: Tallneck	Dec 31, 2023
Icons / Modular	10255	Assembly Square	Dec 31, 2023
Icons / Modular	10270	Bookshop	Dec 31, 2023
Icons / Modular	10278	Police Station	Dec 31, 2023
Ideas	21325	Medieval Blacksmith	Dec 31, 2023
Ideas	21326	Winnie the Pooh	Dec 31, 2023
Ideas	21329	Fender Stratocaster	Dec 31, 2023
Ideas	21337	Table Football	Dec 31, 2023
Jurassic Park / World	76943	Pteranodon Chase (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Jurassic Park / World	76945	Atrociraptor Dinosaur: Bike Chase	Dec 31, 2023
Jurassic Park / World	76947	Quetzalcoatlus Plane Ambush	Dec 31, 2023
Jurassic Park / World	76948	T. rex & Atrociraptor Dinosaur Breakout	Dec 31, 2023
Jurassic Park / World	76950	Triceratops Pickup Truck Ambush	Dec 31, 2023
Jurassic Park / World	76956	T. rex Breakout	Dec 31, 2023
Lightyear	76830	Zyclops Chase (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Lightyear	76831	Zurg Battle	Dec 31, 2023
Lightyear	76832	XL-15 Spaceship	Dec 31, 2023
Mario	30509	Yellow Yoshi's Fruit Tree Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Mario	71406	Yoshi's Gift House	Dec 31, 2023
Mario	71413	Character Packs Series 6	Dec 31, 2023
Mario	71414	Conkdor's Noggin Bopper	Dec 31, 2023
Mario	71415	Ice Mario Suit and Frozen World	Dec 31, 2023
Mario	71416	Lava Wave Ride	Dec 31, 2023
Mario	71417	Fliprus Snow Adventure	Dec 31, 2023
Mario	71418	Creativity Toolbox	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	10781	Spider-Man's Techno Trike (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	10784	Spider-Man Webquarters Hangout (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	10790	Team Spidey at Green Goblin's Lighthouse (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	30652	Doctor Strange's Interdimensional Portal Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76187	Venom	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76193	The Guardians' Ship	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76206	Iron Man Figure	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76207	Attack on New Asgard	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76208	The Goat Boat	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76209	Thor's Hammer	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76211	Shuri's Sunbird	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76212	Shuri's Lab (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76213	King Namor's Throne Room	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76214	Black Panther: War on the Water	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76215	Black Panther	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76216	Iron Man Armory	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76225	Miles Morales Figure	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76230	Venom Figure	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76242	Thanos Mech Armor	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76253	Guardians of the Galaxy Headquarters	Dec 31, 2023
Marvel	76255	The New Guardians' Ship	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21164	The Coral Reef	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21170	The Pig House	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21172	The Ruined Portal	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21177	The Creeper Ambush	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21180	The Guardian Battle	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21181	The Rabbit Ranch	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21183	The Training Grounds	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21184	The Bakery	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21185	The Nether Bastion	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21186	The Ice Castle	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21188	The Llama Village	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	21190	The Abandoned Village	Dec 31, 2023
Minecraft	30647	The Dripstone Cavern/The Stalactite Cave Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Miscellaneous	40174	LEGO Chess	Dec 31, 2023
Miscellaneous	40382	Birthday Set	Dec 31, 2023
Miscellaneous	40393	LEGOLAND Fire Academy	Dec 31, 2023
Miscellaneous	40584	Birthday Diorama	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	30656	Monkey King Marketplace Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80008	Monkie Kid's Cloud Jet	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80030	Monkie Kid's Staff Creations	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80032	Chang'e Moon Cake Factory	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80033	Evil Macaque's Mech	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80034	Nezha's Fire Ring	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80035	Monkie Kid's Galactic Explorer	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80037	Dragon of the East	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80038	Monkie Kid's Team Van	Dec 31, 2023
Monkie Kid	80039	The Heavenly Realms	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	30649	Ice Dragon Creature Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71757	Lloyd's Ninja Mech (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71760	Jay's Thunder Dragon EVO	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71761	Zane's Power Up Mech EVO	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71763	Lloyd's Race Car EVO	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71765	Ninja Ultra Combo Mech	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71766	Lloyd's Legendary Dragon	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71767	Ninja Dojo Temple	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71768	Jay's Golden Dragon Motorbike	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71769	Cole's Dragon Cruiser	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71771	The Crystal King Temple	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71772	The Crystal King	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71774	Lloyd's Golden Ultra Dragon	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71775	Nya's Samurai X MECH	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71776	Jay and Nya's Race Car EVO	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71777	Kai's Dragon Power Flip	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71778	Nya's Dragon Power Drift	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71779	Lloyd's Dragon Power Spin	Dec 31, 2023
Ninjago	71781	Lloyd's Mech Battle EVO	Dec 31, 2023
Speed Champions	30657	McLaren Solus GT Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Speed Champions	76900	Koenigsegg Jesko	Dec 31, 2023
Speed Champions	76901	Toyota GR Supra	Dec 31, 2023
Speed Champions	76910	Aston Martin Valkyrie AMR Pro and Aston Martin Vantage GT3	Dec 31, 2023
Speed Champions	76911	007 Aston Martin DB5	Dec 31, 2023
Speed Champions	76912	Fast & Furious 1970 Dodge Charger T	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	30654	X-wing Starfighter Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75288	AT-AT	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75292	The Razor Crest	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75300	Imperial TIE Fighter	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75301	Luke Skywalker's X-wing Fighter	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75309	Republic Gunship (Ultimate Collector Series)	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75312	Boba Fett's Starship	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75317	The Mandalorian & The Child	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75318	The Child	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75320	Snowtrooper Battle Pack	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75322	Hoth AT-ST	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75323	The Justifier	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75324	Dark Trooper Attack	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75326	Boba Fett's Throne Room	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75327	Luke Skywalker (Red Five) Helmet	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75329	Death Star Trench Run Diorama	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75330	Dagobah Jedi Training Diorama	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75332	AT-ST (4+)	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75334	Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75335	BD-1	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75336	Inquisitor Transport Scythe	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75338	Ambush on Ferrix	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75339	Death Star Trash Compactor Diorama	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75342	Republic Fighter Tank	Dec 31, 2023
Star Wars	75343	Dark Trooper Helmet	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	30655	Forklift with Pallet Polybag	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42096	Porsche 911 RSR	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42107	Ducati Panigale V4 R	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42111	Dom's Dodge Charger	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42117	Race Plane	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42118	Monster Jam Grave Digger	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42122	Jeep Wrangler	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42123	McLaren Senna GTR	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42125	Ferrari 488 GTE 'AF Corse #51'	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42127	The Batman - Batmobile	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42128	Heavy-Duty Tow Truck	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42131	Cat D11 Bulldozer	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42132	Chopper	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42133	Telehandler	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42134	Monster Jam Megalodon	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42135	Monster Jam El Toro Loco	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42137	Formula E Porsche 99x Electric	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42139	All-Terrain Vehicle	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42140	App-Controlled Transformation Vehicle	Dec 31, 2023
Technic	42144	Material Handler	Dec 31, 2023

So, we stand here again. Void-Worms orbiting a star made of the dreams of the dead. The song we all sing continue echoing into the unreal angles of the endless void, while the star throbs. Behold as the light it beams into our brains unfolds as the stories, as told by a strange bird. A bird who dream-wakes through reality, telling a thousand stories into the meat behind his skull, stories that none shall hear. A bird with no voice to speak freely, but a mind that screams an infinite amount of universes. A few precious ones might be plucked from that internal abyss; and such are thus cast through the death-dreams of our star, directly into our souls.
What wonders might we experience, you blindingly beautiful creature? What marvels might be uncovered, my delightful draconic associate? Let us see together.
50% Kobold
Three reactions to the end of Death
Apotheosis and Madness
Wait, this isn't a prompt, what is it doing here? Why am I weeping? And seething with unbridled rage?
Kaiju Romance
Crossroad Dealing and Soul Contracts 101
Sometimes the only winning move is not to play
Forging of the Soulsword
The Next Prometheus
How wonderful. Surely, we can sit back and enjoy... What is that? What the... Can't be. A rogue transmission?
The train is mostly empty. It is silent. There is nothing about him that stands out. He looks generic and forgettable. So generic and forgettable that the ticket inspector lady just walked past him, not noticing he was there at all. So utterly unremarkable that his own parents would not and could not pick him out of a crowd. His headphones are on his ears, but there is no sound in them. He absent-mindedly clutches a backpack to him, like all his clothes, it is generic and worn. His eyes stare blankly, nearly unblinking, on the forests and fields that the train passes. Behind his flesh, inside the brain there is something going on however. Something strange, maybe horrific, maybe wondrous. He doesn't see the train around him. He doesn't see the landscape passing by. He used to need the music to keep focus on what he does see, but he no longer needs it. Now he sees the world of stories always.
His eyes see shimmering metallic towers, where scholars search for answers to unspoken problems of the future. Inside of them man and machine are increasingly working together becoming more and more entwined. He sees a young man and a young woman working together on a marvellous project, the first body for a thinking machine-mind. It is animalistic and wild, yet also loving and kind, and the body will fit the mind perfectly. The two of them are cyberhunters, who have trained their minds to enter the world behind the computer screens of the futuristic city, to hunt down rogue mind-uploads and wild super-viruses that threatens the security of the future. They found the AI in the wild cyberspace that stretches between the remaining cities of man; they love it like a child and worship it like a god. It will be the ultimate synthesis, the entity raised by man, born of machine, and heir to both worlds.
The man blinks. Now he sees forests. Ancient, wild, and primordial. Not at all like those that have grown after mankind came to dominate the world. He hears the wounded knight before he sees him. There, with arrows in his back, comes the knight. His every step is agony, and the dreaming man knows them as if he was the knight himself. The knight is carrying a sleeping child, saved from a burning castle. The knight has pushed himself to the very limits of his physical capacity. His breath is ragged. He tries so hard to move on, but everything is cold, and aches horribly. But he must press on. Just a few steps more. Because he sees them. Once he saved one of their kindred from captivity at great personal risk. But it was the right thing to do. They swore to owe him a favour. His words come out unclearly, but the unicorns nod gently. They know what he wants from them. Care for the child to the best of their ability, and keep her safe in the lands of magic, beyond the wild horizon. His last strength is used to wake the girl and place her on the back of the largest of the unicorns. She is too young to understand now, but this is the only thing he can do for her. He watches with a mournful satisfaction as they calmly ride off into the magical glades with the girl. She waves to him. And he smiles. It is the last thing he does before he dies.
The man on the train blinks again. He sees the ocean, blue, beautiful and wondrous. An old woman is feeding a sea dragon. Oh how she laughs as the silly creature dances for her upon the blue ocean. Oh how the sweet creature enjoys its task of protecting the kind old woman. Of dragging her boat through the wide blue seas. She is heading to the First Water, from whence all creatures were once born. And there she will speak to the Mother-of-Salt and the Father-of-Wind. There she will commune as have a thousand of her ancestors before her, to keep the world safe, the water clean, and the sky clear. There she will dance the last dance upon the fires of the Old Realm. There she will burn as a dance, and her ashes shall be cast into the Pit of Life, from whence she shall emerge, reborn as a being of the sea itself. But for now, there is her old voice singing half-remembered songs to the sweet silly sea dragon, and there is a joyful journey. Perhaps when she is changed, reborn, they will swim back to the Waters-of-Men together.
The man on the train blinks again. And he sees a high-speed chase in a Neon-version of Tokyo. He blinks once more, and he stands atop a great mountain, watching a friendly Yeti carrying a stiff mountaineer to a warm cave. He blinks again and maybe he sees you, running down a hallway carrying a briefcase full of evidence against your enemies. He blinks and he sees himself fighting himself with a blade. He opens his eyes. His train has arrived at the station. Wordlessly he stands up, and gets off of his train. Only the necessity of movement keeps him from falling back into the stories.
Well then. That was weird. Wonder who that was. Hopefully, stories haven't consumed you as much as all that. Maybe. Or maybe all we who float in the void together are, is a fragment of the imagination of the man of the train. Maybe all of us, maybe me, maybe you. Whatever the case, my dear friend, may we meet the next time our serpentine bodies float closely within the void.

The apartment was cheap, but not suspiciously so, especially given the relatively decrepit state of it. It was a 1 bedroom affair, the building itself constructed at some point before the Great Depression, and it certainly showed its age. The bathroom was prone to mold, the windows let in a draft even when closed, and the fact that it was up 6 flights of stairs in a building where the elevator seemed perpetually out of order certainly didn't help. However, beyond these usual allowances made for an affordable apartment in a city such as mine, there were no outward signs that anything wrong with the place. There were never any strange noises, unusual cold spots in the center of rooms, no eerie lights. For all intents and purposes, the apartment appeared utterly mundane.
It took me a frankly embarrassing amount of time to notice the door. 7 months in fact. I've never been much of a night owl, and on the rare occasions when I did have reason to be up in the wee hours my time was generally spent in someone else's bedroom.
At first, when I noticed the door, I assumed that I was hallucinating. I was, after all, in a fairly inebriated state, having just returned from a rather pleasant evening of laughter and debauchery. I already had experienced considerable difficulty in extricating my key from my apartment's lock, so I figured it was more likely that something had gone wrong with my perception rather than the unlikely scenario that a wood paneled door had suddenly materialized in my living room where previously there had only been wall.
It was old fashioned looking, with a shiny brass knob and wood the color of old leather. I shook my head for a moment and blinked, squinting at the object. The door was still there. I rubbed my eyes and closed them, counting down from 10. When I'd finished, I opened my eyes again. The door was still there. I'm not exactly sure what I thought counting down from 10 was supposed to accomplish. Beyond one mercifully brief experience with salvia at a very bad party, I'd never experienced hallucinations before, so I was sort of going off of what I'd seen in movies and TV shows.
There was something intensely unnerving about the door. It emanated a feeling of primal wrongness, I instinctually knew that I was gazing at something totally in violation of the natural order. It took a lot of willpower to do what I did next.
Having exhausted all other apparent options to my disorganized mind, I moved on to the next logical stage of inquiry; I tried to open it. The doorknob was cold to the touch, arctic even. It felt like touching the inside of a freezer. A shiver ran down my back, though I can't be sure in retrospect if it was entirely from the temperature. I tried to turn the knob. It didn't budge.
An immense sigh of relief escaped my lungs, releasing a breath that I didn't know I was holding in. Trying to think of what else I could do, I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick photo of the thing, sending it to my landlord, with a caption somewhere along the lines of "wtf is this dude, y is there a new door???"
Nodding sagely to myself, as if I had succeeded in doing anything of note, I stumbled my way into my bedroom and locked the door before falling into blissful slumber.
I awoke to the incessant screeching of my alarm clock loudly informing me that it was 7 o' clock, about 6 hours from when I had fallen asleep. I slammed my fist against "off" button and rubbed the sleep from my eyes with my other hand. In following with my usual morning routine, I then pulled out my phone and checked through my notifications.
Alongside the usual torrent of internet pseudo-acquaintances posting pictures of their brunches and whatnot was a text message from my landlord. "What are you talking about Christina", it read, "is this photoshop or something?"
At first, I didn't understand what he was referring to, but when the rusted gears of my sleepy (and hungover) brain finally started turning, I immediately jumped out of bed and scuttled over to the spot where the door had been just 6 hours prior. I did so with the intent of recording a video to further prove its existence to my skeptical landlord... but I was greeted with nothing but wall.
I texted my landlord an apology, lying and saying it was just a poorly thought out prank. Then I popped into my car and drove down to the local electronics store to purchase a camera from the grumpy underpaid college student behind the register.
Making my way over to the photography section, I searched a long while for the option that simultaneously fit my budget and the requirements for my investigation. Eventually, I found just the item.
It was a trailcam, the sort of thing hunters and geriatrics with too many acres of land and not enough hobbies use to observe wildlife. It had an SD card with enough space for several hours of blurry, black and white nightvision video, and most importantly it was cheap. I paid for my prize with the surly cashier and made my way happily back to my apartment.
I set it up securely in front of where the door had previously appeared, and, feeling like a genius, went about the rest of my day. I fell asleep that night secure in the knowledge that by morning I would have proof of what I had seen the night before.
The next morning, I rushed over excitedly to my living room, feeling like a child on Christmas morning. My giddy excitement died as I stepped into the living room, noticing the complete lack of the trailcam. Old Saint Nick appeared to have shit in my stocking.
I made my way back to the electronics store, forced once again into interacting with the student behind the register for whom my very existence seemed to be an inconvenience. Upon noticing my arrival, he sighed heavily. "Can I help you ma'am?" he said, emphasizing the last word with the same inflection one might say intestinal parasite.
"I'm looking for a cheap camera that will stream video directly to my computer." I said, trying my best to avoid mimicking the man's petulant tone.
Shrugging his shoulders and releasing another drawn out sigh, the cashier shuffled his way over to the photography section and picked out a small camera, rather similar to the last one I purchased, but approximately twice as much in terms of cost. "Do you have anything cheaper?" I asked, trying my best to sound polite.
"No." declared the cashier, with all the compassion of an exterminator crushing a cockroach beneath a steel toed boot.
I ended up paying the exorbitant price on my already abused credit card, and grumpily stalked back to the apartment to set up the new equipment, knowing I wouldn't get to see it after the night was over.
Nevertheless, I had to know how the door got there, and I needed to have irrefutable evidence.
The process to set up the new camera was a bit more involved than the last. There was all manner of fiddling about with connecting the device to my WiFi network and installing some new software to my computer, but by the time it was over it successfully uploaded footage directly to my hard drive where I could watch it at my leisure.
I went to bed that night wondering what I would do with the footage after I acquired it. After all, I couldn't really go to the police with it, could I? Excuse me officer, I imagined myself saying, but a mysterious door appears in my apartment at night, and I was wondering if you could send someone around to take a look? I'd end up institutionalized. Similarly, it's not like I could go to the newspapers either. I live in a big city, and the reporters have more important fish to fry than transient doors.
At some point while I pondered my options, I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was awakened by the banshee cries of my alarm clock, angrily informing me that it was once again 7 o' clock.
I jumped out of bed, excitedly moving over to my computer to check the footage, finding that there was about 5 hours of video. I had turned on the camera at around 10 o' clock PM, so that meant whatever happened to the camera occurred at about 3 AM.
I set the video to fast forward and watched it carefully. The first 2 hours or so showed nothing, just the regular blank wall. At exactly 12 o' clock, however, static engulfed the screen, and suddenly the old wooden door simply appeared, as if it had always been there. I rewound the footage and played it at normal speed, trying to discern anything that would show how the door suddenly manifested in the wall of my apartment, but the static was far too heavy to tell. The video simply got incredibly distorted for around 10 seconds, and suddenly the static dissipated and there was the door.
Even on video, just looking at it gave me the chills. That sense of complete and utter wrongness came through even from the screen. I shivered slightly and set the video on fast forward yet again. There was no change in the door for nearly 3 hours, but as the video crept closer and closer to the end, I switched it back to normal speed with about a minute to spare.
As I watched, the door began to slowly open. There was no microphone built into the camera, but I could imagine the ancient hinges creaking. I could feel my palms begin to sweat as I stared, transfixed. I glanced at the time remaining on the video, it was only around 30 seconds.
As the video progressed onwards, the door eventually swung fully open, revealing a black, yawning void beyond it. Static began to gather at the corners of the screen, increasing in intensity as I vaguely discerned something moving in the darkness. The quality was rapidly degrading, and I couldn't tell any specifics, but it moved in an almost spider-like manner, skittery and deeply unnerving. It seemed just about to come into view when the footage fully dissolved into static and the video ended abruptly.
I leaned back in my chair, contemplating my next move. While the video had certainly convinced me that I wasn't just going crazy, I knew that it wouldn't exactly convince the average person. I could easily have added in the static with editing, and the vague movement behind the door could just be computer generated effects or some sort of puppet. After a few minutes of pondering, I came up with an idea.
---
"I'm sorry, what?" exclaimed Lilith, who was trying hard not to choke on her iced coffee.
"A door. It appears in my apartment at exactly midnight. I have it on video", I replied, sliding my phone across the table of the coffee shop.
I first met Lilith in college, where we shared a course on the history of Gothic literature. She was a perfect picture of the stereotypical goth, with pierced septum, dyed black hair, pentacle earrings, and a wardrobe whose diversity of color could charitably be compared to that of a raven. We hadn't spoken in a long time, but I figured if there was anyone I should contact about this sort of thing, it would be her.
I'd condensed the 5 hours of footage down to a few minutes with the help of a free online video editor, and watched in slight amusement as Lilith's brow furrowed, her eyes glued to the screen. After the video ended, she seemed utterly amazed.
"Any thoughts?" I asked, pulling back my phone.
"This is some sort of joke, right? You're screwing with me?" she asked, utterly bewildered by what I had just shown her.
"No joke. No screwing around. I figured you'd be the one to ask about this, because of the whole, you know..." I said, gesturing at the leviathan cross emblazoned on her black t-shirt.
Lilith rolled her eyes at me and fidgeted nervously with one of her bracelets. "I'm not sure Christina, this seems a little bit outside of my pay grade. I don't really know what you expect me to do."
"I just need a witness of some kind. What I've got here isn't really enough to prove anything on its own, but if someone else sees it that might lend me a bit of credibility. If some random chick goes to the news complaining about a mysterious door appearing in her living room at midnight that's nothing, but if I get a witness then they might have to listen to me. Plus, I figured maybe you could, I don't know, set up some form of protective circle or sigil or something." As soon as the last words left my lips, I felt like a moron, but Lilith actually seemed to perk up a little bit.
"I mean, I guess that makes sense. How about tonight? I can come over at about 11 o' clock so we have a little bit of time to get ready", she said, a tinge of excitement in her voice.
"Sound's like a plan then, I'll text you my address. I really appreciate you doing this for me." We got up from the booth, exchanged hugs, and went our separate ways. I was skeptical about how much good Lilith's "magickal" expertise would do with regard to the unearthly door, but I had mainly mentioned it to get her interested.
I wish I hadn't.
---
About 12 hours later, I heard a knock at the door (my front door, in this case, not the impossible one). I peeked through the peephole, saw it was Lilith, and I ushered her inside. She had brought with her a black leather bag, bulging with various books, candles, jars, and other occult accoutrements.
"That's a lot of stuff", I commented, gesturing towards the bag, "are you sure you'll need all of it?"
She shrugged. "I figured it's better to be safe than sorry. I'd rather be overprepared than come up short."
"Seems reasonable."
I showed her the spot of the blank wall where the door appears and she began setting up candles and incense, drawing strange signs with chalk, and pouring salt in a semi-circle in front of where the door would be. As she worked, she occasionally read out loud from some cheap paperbacks with titles like "The Witch's Bible" and "The Unquiet Dead: A Field Guide to the Afterlife".
To be entirely honest it was incredibly underwhelming. I didn't feel any "mystical energies" or unseen vistas of space and time yawning before me. There was just a goth screwing around with some candles while reciting mangled Latin out of books she got for 4.99 apiece at a charity shop.
Nevertheless, I let Lilith get on with her business and sat back drinking some cheap beer. After about 45 minutes she seemed satisfied. The floor and walls were covered with crude sigils done in white chalk, and the whole room smelt of incense and scented candles. I checked my watch, seeing it was 11:48.
I offered Lilith a drink but she declined, instead just taking a seat and fidgeting a bit with her jewelry. We talked for a while about what the door could be, where it came from, that sort of thing. Lilith seemed convinced it was must be the restless spirit of a former tenant, but I was a bit skeptical. While at this point I could no longer honestly say I didn't believe in the supernatural, this didn't necessarily strike me as some sort of haunting.
"I don't think it's a ghost", I said, taking a sip from my near empty can, "it strikes me as something further beyond our realm of experience than that. Something, I don't know, alien somehow. I mean it changes reality itself doesn't it? It transmutes a wall to a door, and let me tell you that door was real wood and the knob was real metal. Aren't ghosts supposed to be intangible or something?"
Lilith seemed like she was about to say something before she paused, a weird look crossing her face. "Christina, what time is it?" she whispered.
I checked my watch, the digital face reading out 12:07. I turned to see the door. It had been there for 7 minutes and we hadn't even noticed its arrival. Something about us not having realized it was there bothered me far more than its materialization. Was it possible that I'd passed by it in the apartment before and just never noticed it? I'd previously assumed that I'd simply always been asleep or out of the apartment when it materialized, but now I wasn't so sure.
Lilith had turned to look at it too, after a moment saying "It's like it's always been there."
The next 3 hours passed slowly, painfully. We snapped plenty of pictures of the door at every conceivable angle on our respective phones, videos too, and decided that after it disappeared again we should take footage of the bare wall for contrast. Lilith and I chatted a bit, but it was hard to continue conversations for long. Now that we had noticed it, we could feel the wrongness emanating out from the door, as if we were being watched by something just out of sight.
I don't know if there is such a thing as true evil, some sort of absolute moral right and wrong on a spiritual level. But being near that door, I felt like I was bearing witness to an atrocity against reality itself. We spent the last 2 hours of observation in nearly complete silence. It seemed like the longer we were cognizant of the door, the worse the feeling of discomfort got. If you've ever been on a roller coaster, you'll be familiar with the feeling of going up the track towards a long drop, the tension in your very blood as you brace yourself for the fall to come. As we sat there, I felt something similar.
I almost wanted to call the whole thing off, just have Lilith and I go to a 24 hour fast food place or something and call it a night. But I had to know.
Unlike with the door's appearance, we noticed when it started to open. We sat there, paralyzed with fear and excitement as it slowly started to creak open, the worn hinges squealing just as I thought they would. The room grew significantly colder, until we were both shivering intensely. Behind the door was void, absolutely void. It was black as the depths of the ocean and emanated pure dread. The smell of incense and scented candles seemed to dissipate, replaced with a vague stench like rotting seaweed.
Finally, the entrance was swung fully open, and we sat there, staring blankly into it. We didn't even try to pull out our phones to record what we saw. The thought to do so didn't cross my mind until well after.
I could see something start to move in the darkness beyond, some sort of motion, spidery, skittering. It was coming towards us. I caught a vague glimpse of a long, thin limb reaching out from the door, coming towards us, grasping blindly from out of the dark, and then-
I felt the sun shining on my face, my entire body sore.
I opened my eyes to find myself lying on the ground, outside. There were trees overhead, but the foliage wasn't dense enough to block out the light which had awoken me. All things being equal, I would have preferred my alarm clock.
I stood up, painfully, taking stock of my surroundings. I was in a park, one which I had been to before, located a couple miles from my apartment. I looked for my phone, but couldn't find it. I began to stumble my way back home, trying my best to ignore my aching muscles. I called out for Lilith a couple times, but was met only with silence. She was gone.
As I limped my way along, a passing jogger called out "Nice tattoo". Confused, I looked down at my arm.
Burned into my flesh in white letters, as if through frostbite, were the words "BRING MORE".