1.Materials
For blade I took X12MF steel. I ordered it already heat treated by professionals to 60 hrc. Forming steel bar took a long time (13 hours) to avoid any burning. I know, this steel is not common in US so here some info [Taken from thermist company page]: The steel has good cutting edge stability and toughness. Has a great resistance to corrosion, ideal for hunting and outdoor knives. Chemical composition: C 1.45-1.65%; Cr 11-12.5%; Mo 0.4-0.6%; V 0.15-0.3%; Si 0.15-0.35%; Mn 0.15-0.4%.
For handle I took burl maple hybrid with epoxy. Bolster and rear Bolster casted from white bronze. Sheath made from vegetable tanned leather 3 mm / 0,11 inch thick. Sewed with waxed thread and embossed by hand.
2.Sizes Blade : 134 X 26 X 4.7 mm / 5.27 X 1.02 X 0.15 inch
Tang : 110 X 10 X 4.7 mm / 4,33071 X 0,393701 X 0,15748 inch
Handle : 130 X 30 X 26 mm / 5,11 X 1,18 X 1,02 inch

1. Overall info Blade polished up 20000 grid pastes and has mirror edge with razor cutting capabilities. Tip is thick and very hard to break.

4.Price & shipment Price is 170 USD via PayPal. Shipment from Ukraine.
5.Photo gallery
Photo with my reddit name : https://imgur.com/a/CkczjuT
Knife showcase : https://imgur.com/gallery/L6RIWBt
Knife video : https://imgur.com/gallery/jm2mQDz
Creation process photos : https://imgur.com/gallery/50jLmH0

--- Table of Contents ---
Spring 4985, 18 Buromoth
The road to Hamerfoss was north out of Smilnda. By horse, the journey took only two days, one and a half if ridden hard. By foot, it generally took four days, but escorting a heavily loaded wagon would take the squires six.
On the first day out, Thom and Rerves released their excited energy through constant chatter. Talking about how happy they were to finally be on their way to real training. Occasionally Shon would join in.
On the second day, they spoke about how much easier it would be to concentrate without the girls around. Shon didn’t join much in this conversation.
On the third day, they confessed to missing Daisy and Ania. Suspecting they missed the conversation, Shon attempted to chime in more often.
The fourth and fifth days were plagued with spring rain, and the boys did little more than complain, particularly about their new leather armor chafing when wet. Shon couldn't help but grumble in affirmation. He'd hated the armor from the first day.
The sixth, and final, day saw a stop to the rain. The boys spent their walk beside the wagon carefully dodging puddles after Thom submerged his entire boot in one deeper than expected. There was very little talking between them now, all three too nervous and excited for their imminent arrival.
The road outside the city had been the only part with flat fields and open skies on either side. For the rest, they'd traveled through forest, with only the occasional clearing maintained explicitly for travelers to camp. Tall evergreens growing close together blocked the view of anything beyond the road at their feet, giving Shon and the others very little to look at as they marched.
Two sturdy horses pulled the wagon of supplies for the fortress. Barrels of food and crates of scrap metal as well as sacks of letters and the Squire's personal bags, weighed down the laden wagon, the wheels carving deep channels in the muddy road.
Shon had already sketched the wagon, the horses, the Paladin driving them, and his fellow Squires many times over. He even managed a few landscape drawings, for lack of better subjects. He had no idea how the other two managed to calm their excitement before sleep. Perhaps that was why they talked so much every night.
Walking ahead of him, Rerves readjusted the hilt of his short sword while Shon pulled at the neck of his armor for what seemed like the hundredth time each. They hadn’t been trained in the proper use of either, and Shon wondered again why the Paladins had insisted the Squires wear them. They'd been ordered to guard the wagon, but who would be stupid enough to waylay a Temple cart so close to a fortress full of knights? Of course, monsters such as the draken and drakwalves were always a threat, but what were three untrained boys supposed to do against something like that?
Shon sighed, letting his hand fall limply from the gorget. It was no use. No matter how many times he tried to shift it, it would just rub somewhere else until he grew uncomfortable enough to try again. He attempted to distract himself, letting his eyes unfocus and picturing himself going through his kata as he walked in a daze. Master Veon-Zih always said that mental practice was just as important as physical training, though in this case, Shon was just glad it gave him something to focus on besides his nerves and discomfort.
He was about to start the second kata when he nearly ran into Rerves. The taller boy had stopped walking, and Shon arched an eyebrow at him before realizing that the wagon had also stopped. There was no way they were there already…
Stepping to the side, Shon saw what had stalled them. A man in what looked like poorly kept half-plate stood in the middle of the path. A large war ax strapped to his back.
The stranger scratched at his short beard, scraggly and peppered like his hair, “Ho traveler, where you headed?” He called.
The three boys looked to the Paladin driving the wagon, watching as his eyes narrowed, “We are bound for Hamerfoss, good ser…”
“Ah, so the toll you’ll be payin' will be comin' out of them coffers then,” the stranger called, his face splitting into a grin as the boys looked back his way.
“There is no toll on this road, good ser.” their Paladin stated. As if their heads had been placed on a swivel, the Squires returned their gazes to him, but only for a moment as the stranger answered again.
“There is now.” the bandit lifted his hand, the Paladin stood, and the boys looked between the two with wide eyes, not sure what they were supposed to do. The bandit whistled, a sharp sound that sent birds flying from the trees as four hooded figures exited from the gloom to surround the wagon and its three terrified Squires.
The Paladin drew his longsword, ordering the boys, “Protect the wagon!” They turned frightened eyes on each other for only a moment before looking back at the bandits. Each now holding swords of their own.
The knight lept from the wagon and charged the leader, who'd reached for his ax. Thom and Rerves fumbled for their short swords, and Shon dropped into a low stance, his fists held at the ready and heart beating furiously.
“Shon, sword!” Rerves yelled, his voice somehow steady as the four hooded bandits stalked closer.
Shon actually felt himself blush despite the situation and pulled his sword from its scabbard like the rest. He felt off-balance, the weight of the weapon throwing off his well-rehearsed stance. He didn’t have time to adjust before the bandits charged. Two went for Rerves, leaving one each for Shon and Thom.
Shon tried to relax, to stay alert and ready to move, as he'd been taught. But his palm was sweating and he clinched the hilt tighter than intended. Focused on the bandit heading his way, the chaos around him blurred, becoming indistinct, like a drawing left in the rain. Shon held his ground and lifted the sword to one of the ready positions he'd seen the Paladins practice. His attacker was quite a bit taller than he was, and Shon lifted the sword above his head as the first swing came down hard from above.
The hilt shook in Shon's hand, and his attacker didn't hesitate to swing again, this time sweeping around and aiming for Shon's left leg. Clenching his teeth, Shon pivoted the sword down to block again but misjudged the length of his blade. The bandit's long sword passed below the point of Shon's block to strike just above the knee. He felt the impact, but could only imagine the damage, refusing to look and thanking Hengist the limb hadn't buckled. As the shock of the hit ran its course, the attacker flicked his sword up from inside Shon's failed guard, knocking the weapon from his hand.
The short sword flew free, but Shon had already begun his counter, aiming with his free right hand at his attacker’s extended wrist. The hit would have knocked the attacker's arm aside at the least, but with his now empty left hand, Shon struck the same arm from the outside at the elbow. In an instinctual effort to save the joint, the bandit twisted awkwardly, but predictably, bringing his head lower and closer.
Cartilage crunched beneath his knuckles and Shon's attacker reeled back, gripping his nose under his hood and cursing loudly enough for others to hear over the clang of metal and chaos.
One of Rerves' attackers disengaged from his two-on-one fight to aid his friend, who was now backing away from Shon as fast as he could. Shon hesitated a moment then dashed to his fallen sword.
Again Shon felt unbalanced with the weapon in hand. He tried to shift his weight to offset the difference but barely had enough time to bring the sword to bear as the second attacker swung his two-handed greatsword at Shon's right side.
Taking his own weapon in both hands, Shon managed to absorb some of the force of the blow, but he still wasn't strong enough to fully block the strike. His arms buckled, giving way for his opponent's longsword to hit his upper arm. This second hit hadn't fully registered in Shon's mind when the new attacker shoved his shoulder into Shon's chest, trying to push him over.
It worked. Shon fell to the ground with a splash and smack as he habitually swung his hands down to slap the ground, dropping his sword again, but breaking the energy of the fall. Just as Master Veon-Zih had taught him. Perhaps expecting Shon to be winded, the attacker didn't follow through with another attack on the prone boy; instead, turning to look at the companion Shon had punched.
Shon didn't hesitate. Still on his back, Shon twisted his hips, scissoring his legs to either side of the bandit's leg and kicking him behind the knee and inside the shin. The bigger man went down, and Shon swung his legs up, rolling onto his shoulder blades before jumping directly to a standing position. Or at least trying to. The leather armor was heavy and awkward, and he wobbled when he landed on his feet. As he attempted to regain his balance, another whistle rang out from the front of the wagon.
As one, the attackers disengaged from their respective defending Squires. The one Shon had knocked down rolled away and was helped up by his companion sporting a bloody nose. The Squires didn't pursue. Their hands shook with adrenaline, and their eyes tried to dart every way at once.
"Stand down, Squires," it was the Paladin. The knight had sheathed his sword and was moving back towards the wagon, but the boys could barely manage a glance at each other before focusing back on their attackers. Still very much on edge. It wasn't until the attackers in question also sheathed their weapons that the Squires began to slowly straighten, looking between the Paladin, the lead bandit, their attackers, and each other in quick succession.
"You all did very well," the knight said, reaching out to ensure the horses were still calm. They'd hardly moved, causing Shon to determine they must be warhorses, perhaps one was the knight's own partner.
"Not bad, not bad." the lead bandit started forward, slinging his ax back over his shoulder as he moved. Rather than being reassured by the gesture, the Squires dropped back into their fighting stance.
The Paladin snapped, "It was a test, boys. Relax and sheath your swords before you hurt yourselves." The lead 'bandit' laughed out loud at that. It was a booming sound like a bark straight from his belly as he threw his head back and planted his fists firmly on his hips.
"First time seeing battle, even a mock one, and you can't help but be on edge. It's the same every year," he said, the strange speech pattern he'd used before completely gone. He gestured, and his four underlings removed their hoods. The one with the bloody nose still had it pinched, his head tilted forward.
Mock battle… Shon's leg and arm throbbed painfully with every heartbeat, and his knuckles stung as he clenched and unclenched his fists to try and relax. But now that it was over, he realized that both hits had been with the flat of the blade.
The ringleader continued, "These fine Squires are going to be the newest Paladins of Hengist. After their vigil next month." the four attackers saluted and the younger Squires exchanged glances again before finally putting their swords away. "And I," the man slapped his chest, "am your new Weaponmaster. Master Daunas Mung. It will be my job to train you in combat at Hamerfoss."
Rerves was the first to recover. He smiled, but his voice held a hint of sarcasm, "I wish I could say it's nice to meet you, Master Daunas," he tried to laugh, "perhaps once my heart has stopped trying to beat its way out of my chest." That caused the Weaponmaster to bark his own laugh again. Thom smiled nervously at Shon, who was taking slow, measured breaths to calm his own heart.
The Paladin took a moment to examine their various bumps and bruises but only used his magic to heal the senor squire's broken nose. The much larger party continued together towards Hamerfoss, Master Daunas riding with the Paladin in the wagon while the older Squires chatted amongst each other. Thom and Rerves didn’t join in the chatter, both looking as anxious as Shon felt. He could hear the two uninjured seniors making fun of the two who had fought him and wasn’t sure if he should be embarrassed or proud. He'd hardly used his sword, -dropped it twice!- and the sword was the sacred weapon of Hengist. The symbol of the god himself.
Eventually, -finally- they left the woods and immediately saw the fortress situated in the middle of a vast field. Hamerfoss was one of the oldest structures still being utilized in Clearhelm. As such, it wasn't nearly as visually impressive as some of the newer Temples in the cities. Even so, as they approached the south gate, the three new Squires gaped at its great stone walls in awe.
The outer curtain wall was twenty stones high, -at least four of the boys stacked one on top of the other- with two layers of iron portcullises, their bars as thick as Shon's forearm. Walking through the first, the boys looked up and saw the faces of Paladins looking down at them through holes in the ceiling, built for dumping hot tar or oil on invaders trapped between the portcullises. They moved a little faster through the second.
Beyond the wall was one of two open courtyards, with training dummies, archery targets, and sparring rings separated by neat stone walkways. The smell of hay and horses wafted over the whole place from the stable against the south wall to their right, and the ringing "tink, tink" of a hammer on metal filled the cool air from the smithy built into the side of the fortress proper.
"Welcome to Hamerfoss!" Master Daunas gestured widely to all before them, and Shon fixed his eyes on the fortress itself, rising up like an indomitable mountain before him. It was about fifteen feet taller than the curtain wall, with one great tower in the center jutting up another fifteen feet above that. The roof was lined with battlements where archers could rain death on an invading army.
Turning his head, Shon could see three of the four bastions at the corners of the curtain wall and the armored figures that must be more Paladins standing guard. His left hand twitched as he longed to unpack his journal and draw every detail. The bare, dead-looking vines covering the face of the west wall, he was sure they would bloom in a few short weeks and cover the stone in green; the squat smithy coming out of his workshop to wipe the sweat from his brow in the cool air of early spring; and the slack-jawed expressions of awe on his companions' faces as they tilted their heads waaay back to try and see the top of the fortress's tower. But there would be plenty of time for that. After all, this would be his home for the next four years.
"Well. Don't just stand there gawkin'! Unload the wagon." Shon jumped in surprise and glimpsed Thom and Rerves doing the same. Master Daunas must have startled them out of their awe as well.
Shon was grateful as Rerves cleared his throat and took charge. His habit of speaking first and taking control had annoyed the girls back in Smilnda, but as Thom was used to it and Shon didn’t like giving orders, it worked out well for the boys. "Thom, you get the horses settled. Shon, you start handing me things out of the wagon." Without a word of argument, Thom nodded and went to the horses, murmuring gently as he began removing their harness and Shon climbed into the bed of the wagon to lift one crate at a time down to Rerves.
Master Daunas snorted, turning away from the new boys to give orders Shon couldn't hear to the older Squires. The young men saluted in unison, one moving to help Thom and two coming back to the wagon to help Shon and Rerves. The last jogged to the blacksmith, who waved him towards the smithy. He returned a moment later, carrying a small box and marching towards the smith, who was speaking quietly with Master Daunas.
"Shon, come on!" Rerves whispered, gesturing with both hands impatiently. Shon shook his head to clear it, handing Rerves another crate. He'd been paying a little too much attention to Daunas and the smith.
"Sorry," Shon murmured, but if Rerves heard him, he just took the box and set it with the others. It didn't take long for the four Squires to finish with the wagon. Shon hopped down with his own pack over his shoulder just as Thom came out of the stable with the senior Squire to meet them.
"Horses taken care of?" Rerves asked, and Shon blinked at him, thinking, Of course, they were; Thom wouldn't have come out otherwise…
"Yep, all settled and ready to go," Thom answered with a smile. Shon would've simply nodded. He was never one to waste words on things that didn't need to be said, and now more than ever, he found himself so focused on taking in everything around him that he could hardly think of words to say.
It seemed Master Daunas had been waiting for something to be said out loud, though, because he turned towards them at the sound, "Alright lads, this here is Nangran Flintchest. He's our resident Smith, and he'll be making all your equipment." The man was only as tall as Thom, but his shoulders and chest were broader even than Master Daunas, with hands the size of shovels and a beard that hung to the middle of his chest.
"Line up, smallest... largest…" As he spoke, Nangran pointed first to the right, then to the left of Shon, and didn't bother to see if they obeyed before turning away from them to open the box the older Squire had brought. Taking out a long measuring tape and a ratty-looking notebook, the smith tossed the young man the notebook without explanation and headed toward Thom with the measuring tape. Thom quickly positioned himself to the right of Shon with Rerves on Shon’s left.
Nangran motioned with his hand, grumbling only "Arms…" Without need for further explanation, Thom stepped forward and lifted his arms like a 't', visibly swallowing down his nerves. Shon watched closely as the smith took the smaller boy's measurements. Around his chest, his bicep, lower arm, from shoulder to elbow, elbow to wrist, neck to waist, and much more besides. Thom stood stiff, following the old man's clipped instructions with hesitant jerky movements. Shon thought it should be awkward to work around their armor, but Nangran didn't seem to notice.
"Sword?" Nangran asked, and Thom made a confused sound. But the smith waved a massive hand in his face, "Not you, boy. Daunas, what sword?"
Master Daunas had his arms crossed over his chest and was tilting his head back and forth from one side to the other, absently scratching his beard before he finally said. "Two hands." he then pointed at Shon, saying, "Bastard." Shon wrinkled his nose, but the offense was short-lived when Daunas pointed at Rerves, saying, "One hand."
Nangran sniffed, "One each..." he stepped over to Shon and motioned for him to raise his arms. Shon stiffened but obliged, keeping his eyes fixed forward as the old man ran his measuring tape all across Shon's body, fighting not to flinch each time the Smith brushed against him.
"Yep," Daunas answered. They were talking as if the boys weren't even there, and the older Squires just watched. Didn’t they have anything better to do? "And that one," Daunas continued, nodding towards Shon, "is a lefty." Nangran snorted without comment and continued measuring, while the Squire with the notebook scribbled a little something extra besides the numbers Nangran mumbled to him.
But then the smith ran his hand down Shon’s forearm, touching the skin of his wrist, and pulled away in surprise. Shon jerked his hand back but quickly returned it with a nervous swallow. The smith stared at him, his brow furrowed, "You're cold as ice boy. Nervous?"
Shon shook his head, but the smith continued to stare, so he added, "No sir. I'm always cold."
The smith hummed and went back to measuring around Shon's wrist and back up his arm, "They say cold hands make a warm heart," Nangran muttered.
Beside Shon, Rerves and Thom snickered. "Whoever says that has never met Shon," said Thom, who had relaxed noticeably once the smith had finished with him. Face forward, Shon glared sideways at him, but there was no real anger in it, and Thom snickered again.
Master Daunas let out another bark of a laugh, "I see you get along well! That's good; you'll want friends in training." Shon tried to relax, taking a deep breath through his nose and letting it out through pursed lips. He did get along with his fellow Squires. He felt his lips tilt up in an almost imperceptible smile. He would even go so far as to call them friends. Even if they did poke fun at each other. Or maybe it was because they did.
Smith Nangran moved on to Rerves, and Shon looked from the larger boy to the smaller and back again before focusing his gaze on Master Daunas. It seemed neither of them was going to ask the adults to clarify what they meant by the sword assignments, so he would have to. Feeling more at ease, he asked, "I thought we were going to be trained in all weapons…"
Daunas must've seen where Shon was going because he spoke at the pause provided, "Oh, you will, boy. But I was watching you fight back on the road. You didn't think we staged that little raid just for fun, did you?" Shon didn't answer. He had thought it was just for fun. Perhaps some kind of hazing ritual. When Shon didn't say anything, Daunas continued, "You boys haven't been trained, so your movements were on instinct, giving me an idea for what fighting style you may lean more towards." he pointed at Shon, who crossed his eyes to focus on the finger, "You, boy, are going to be a problem. You're the one old man V's been training."
Who? Shon refocused on the Weapon Master's face, arching an eyebrow in confusion. When Master Daunas didn’t respond to the look, Shon guessed, "Master Veon-Zih?"
Daunas continued, "He's got you jumping around with no mind to the armor you'll be wearing or the weapon in your hand. You'll have to work twice as hard to adjust some of those habits." Shon was taken aback, shocked, and a little afraid… He didn't want to lose what he'd already learned… but Master Daunas continued, "But with a hand-and-a-half sword, you'll be able to switch between one and two-handed maneuvers." he smiled softly, and Shon realized his emotions must have been showing on his face more than usual because the Weapon Master seemed to be comforting him. "You mark my words; you'll favor the bastard sword for sure."
Nangran finished with Rerves and began rolling up his measuring tape. He turned his back on the boys but spoke to them as he took his notebook back from the senior Squire, “Take that leather off and put it in the wagon. I’ll have better ready for you by first watch week.” The Squires exchanged looks, then began following the command, stripping off the leather armor and thick gambeson and trying in vain to straighten the sweaty wrinkled uniforms underneath.
“You four,” Daunas addressed the seniors, who moved from parade rest to attention in perfect unison, “show these three around and give them the rundown of how things work around here. You three,” he looked over his shoulder at Shon and the others, scratching his neck again, “this is your last day of freedom, enjoy it while you can.” all seven Squires saluted and Daunas sighed, giving a lazy salute in response before walking off, muttering to himself, “I need to shave…”
The older Squires approached the younger, two of them snickering after Daunas was far enough away not to hear. Shon arched an eyebrow at them and, seeing the expression, the tallest explained, “He’s normally clean-shaven. He let his beard grow out all week for the wagon raid.”
“You’ll be doing one too, in your last year.” another of the four added.
“Sorry about your arm,” the one who had fought Thom said, holding out his hand to the younger boy, “You really did do well, considering.” Thom shook the young man’s hand with a grateful smile at the compliment.
The two who had fought Shon exchanged looks with each other then looked at him, their expressions expectant. Shon arched his other eyebrow instead. Did they really expect him to apologize? They had attacked him. And he was four years younger than they were.
“So…” the one Shon had bloodied started, drawing the word out.
“Who taught you how to fight?” the second interjected.
“Master Veon-Zih.”
When Shon didn’t elaborate further, the two exchanged silent shrugs. Shon looked away from them, frustrated. They could communicate with each other fine in gestures and expressions, yet, he was expected to explain details they didn't need? Would they even know what a Monk was? Did it even matter? He was here to train as a Paladin now.
The only one who hadn’t spoken yet cleared his throat, and the other three turned his way immediately. Apparently, he was the unofficial leader of this group, just like Rerves was the unofficial leader of theirs. “We'll show you the barracks first. You should shower and change your uniforms before we walk around the rest of the fortress.”
“You have showers here too?” Rerves blurted in amazement, then snapped his mouth shut, blushing.
The two who were prone to laughing did so again, “Why wouldn’t we?”
“I bet we need it more than most of the official Temples.” the two laughed again.
Thom shuffled his feet nervously but said, “They told us things would be a lot rougher here.”
“They were probably just trying to scare you,”
“They were talking about the work,” the leader said sharply, then turned towards the fortress.
Shon and the others quickly grabbed their bags and rushed to follow. The leader continued to talk as they fell into step behind him, “Your day will start just before sunrise, at fifth bell. You will get dressed, make your bed as quickly as possible, then gather with the others in the courtyard,” he gestured with one hand at a wide-open spot on the training grounds, “From there we run. Around the fortress ten times in formation. After that are drills and then breakfast. After breakfast, we have prayer, followed by lectures, then heavy weapons and armor training, then lunch.” they made their way into the fortress and up a long flight of stairs to the third floor, “After lunch, there's more classwork, then light weapons and combat training. You’re then given an hour of free time to shower and rest before dinner. After dinner, there is mandated study or prayer time, then another hour of free time before lights out at ninth bell. Once every season, we take four weeks to stand watch, one week for each shift.”
He took them down a long hall lined with doors on one side. Shon tried to listen and count the doors at the same time and was glad he did when the leader stopped beside the ninth, “These three rooms are yours. Go ahead and get a new uniform and meet us back out here.”
One of the nicer boys stepped forward to open the first door, “This one is Rerves, followed by Shon and Thom.” Shon entered to find a small room barely six feet square. Directly across from the door was a bed that took up the entire wall and a small high-set window that looked out over the training field. Beside it was a small desk with a single wooden chair. Under the bed, Shon found a long shallow box full of neatly folded uniforms. His name was embroidered in the lining of each piece, and on top was a pinned note with instructions detailing the laundry procedure. Shon only skimmed it, it was the same as the fortress in Smilnda, and most likely the same the Provence over, perhaps even the kingdom.
He left his pack by the desk and returned to the hall with one of his uniforms to find it empty. Glancing down either side of the hall, he shrugged at Thom’s questioning look when he was joined by his two fellows. They waited at least ten minutes before the seniors returned, without their armor and holding their own spare uniforms. They looked nearly as disheveled as the juniors. The leader gestured for them to follow again and said, “Once you get your armor, you will keep it in your room. It's your responsibility to keep it oiled or polished as appropriate.” well, they would be good at that at least… Had they been left to wait while the seniors cared for their armor? Shon didn’t bother to ask, following the four deeper into the fortress.
They were taken to the showers, a single large room with spigots set into the walls and drains in the floor. The seniors started to strip down, placing their dirty uniforms in a basket by the door and setting their clean sets on the benches set along the same wall. Thom, Rerves, and Shon all exchanged looks before following their lead.
There were only ten showerheads, and Rerves finally asked, “How many Squires are there here?”
The seniors each moved to their own showerhead, and the room was quickly filled with hot steam, “Twentyone, including us, but we will be gone in a month, so that will leave seventeen.” one of them answered, stepping under the hot water with a grateful sigh, rinsing the sweat and dirt from the road off his surprisingly well-muscled body. Shon counted the shower spigots again as he moved towards his own. Almost twenty Squires and only ten showers at a time… it sounded like a nightmare. But at least they had hot running water.
Though he had above-average cold tolerance and preferred the winter chill far more than the summer sweat, Shon always enjoyed a truly hot shower. Master Veon-Zih liked to argue that baths were far superior, but in Shon's experience, baths always cooled off too quickly, which was why most ordinary citizens of Clearhelm used the public steam baths.
After they were washed and dressed, the real tour began. They were shown the hall with the officer's rooms, the infirmary, the mess hall, the library, and the classroom. “There’s only one?” Thom asked, peeking into the room with a blackboard across the far wall and long tables situated in front.
“Tomorrow is the last real day before the watch weeks start. You'll spend those four weeks catching up on foundational stuff. Kingdom-wide law, and your assigned sword dills, that sort of thing. After that, the lessons are given in a four-year rotation, so your first classes after the watch weeks will be new to both you and everyone else." the leader explained.
The nicest one elaborated, “You’ll have the same schedule we did, so comparative law, followed by history, then theology, then comparative cultural studies.” Shon wasn’t sure what he looked forward to least on that list. Though all would be better than fighting for a shower…
"There's also etiquette, monster studies, combat tactics and command, and war history and theory." his friend added, and Shon was relieved that at least most of those seemed more interesting.
Next, they were shown some of the less-used rooms. The war room, full of charts and maps and only used for large-scale tactics training, and an indoor sparring room that looked like it was never used.
“This is supposed to be for heavy weather.” one of the laughers said with a snicker.
“But Master Daunus says your enemies won’t let you move a fight inside, so why practice there,” added the other. Shon happened to agree, but also wasn’t looking forward to training in the rain after having walked in it for two days.
Lastly, they were shown the chapel, not as fine as the one in Smilnda but with the same sweet incense and warm comfort. The atmosphere seeped into Shon’s bones as they approached the head altar for a brief prayer and a blessing from the resident Cleric. He was a young man with pale brown hair and green eyes. He smiled warmly down at the new boys, saying, “Welcome to Hamerfoss, Squires of Hengist.” which in turn made each of them glow with enough pride to banish the nerves of their first day and daunting future.
***
--- Part 2/2 ---
--- Table of Contents ---
All comments and criticism is welcome.

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When the old man got within range, John kicked at him with his good leg, but the old timer was quick, much quicker than he looked. He ducked to his right, side stepping John's lashing foot, then darted in and touched the tip of the prod to John's leg. Fire--that's what it felt like. White hot fire. A jolt went through John's body that made his eyeballs hurt. And just like that, the old man slipped in again and jabbed him in the stomach. Then, as John rolled onto his belly, the tip touched his back.
John curled into a ball and hugged his knees to his chest.
"Get through that door, boy," the old man said. "Move it, now!" Like herding an ornery animal.
And like an animal, John Burke responded, lifting himself onto all fours and crawling toward the exit. Halfway across the floor, the old man jammed the cattle prod against John's ass. He cried out and scampered through the door.
As soon they were out of the room, the old man clicked his cheek a couple of times like he was calling a dog. "Get on your feet, like a good boy." John struggled to his feet as the door closed behind him and the bolts slammed into place. He stood at one end of a narrow passage, dark, except for a single bulb hanging from the ceiling at the far end. Again, John felt the prod touch his back.
"Get!" the old man said.
John limped toward the light.
The passage emptied into a windowless room, low ceilinged and big. The old man forced him into a chute--a cattle chute. Horizontal steel poles on each side formed a walkway barely wide enough for a man's shoulders. The poles were stacked four high, the top pole about five feet off the ground. Every six or eight feet stood a vertical brace.
The old man closed and locked a sliding wooden door behind them, then bent and slipped between two of the horizontal poles. Outside the chute, he prodded John to keep him moving. As John walked toward the end, the old man thumped him two or three times with the prod but didn't shock him.
Suddenly, an overpowering stench hit John and his feet stopped moving. He looked to the right, toward the source of the smell, and saw a stainless steel table, on top of which lay a man's lifeless body. He was on his belly with his head turned and John could see the face of the man who'd been goaded out of the room just before him. The white-haired old lady stood beside the table gripping an electric carving knife in one latexed hand, while with her other gloved hand she pressed the man's leg firmly against the table. Bile gurgled up into John's throat as the old lady thumbed the switch on the carving knife and sliced a hunk of meat from the back of the dead man's thigh.
John spewed vomit and dropped to his knees. "Get up, boy," he heard from behind him as the prod juiced his lower back. John screamed in pain as he staggered to his feet. "Move it," the old man said. With legs like jelly, John stumbled forward.
The cut he'd worked into the leather belt was just to the right of the steel loop through which the handcuffs ran. Only an eighth of an inch of leather remained. Using his body, John shielded his hands from the old man's view while he tugged on the handcuffs and hobbled along.
The sides of the chute closed in on him as he reached the end. Near panic, John tried to turn around, but before he could the old man slid a gate closed behind him that penned him in.
Trapped.
From the corner of his eye, John watched the old man. Saw him step towards a workbench against the wall, fifteen feet away, and toss the cattle prod onto it. He pulled a ballpeen hammer down from a wall above the bench. It had a big stainless steel head with a foot long wooden handle. The old man turned and walked toward John with a casual, bored look on his face, just another day in the slaughterhouse.
Bent as far forward as he could, John thrust his hips back and jerked his cuffed hands forward, but the leather belt held. Behind him he heard the old man's shoes scrape the cement floor. Desperate, John twisted his hands to the right. The leather still held. Just an eighth of an inch between a chance for escape and a hammer to the back of the head.
A shoe scuff on the floor. Afraid to look, John stared at his hands. He groaned as he thrust his hips to the right and jerked his hands to the left. The leather tore and the belt pulled free from his waist.
"Where you think you're going?" the old man said.
John ducked and heard the top pole ring as the ballpeen hammer glanced off of it. With the belt still dangling from his handcuffs, John doubled over and stepped between the two middle poles on his left side. To his right the old man cursed him and swung the hammer between the bars. The hammer thumped into John's right hip but he didn't stop. Once through the bars he ran--hobbled on his painful ankle--toward the wall, trying to put as much distance between him and the old man as possible.
"Momma, momma, he got loose!"
"Catch him quick 'fore he gets away," the old lady screamed.
John Burke was lost. He didn't know where he was our how to get out. He turned, saw the old man race around the end of the chute, hammer cocked over his shoulder. John's back was to the wall. Wildly, he glanced around for something he could use. There was nothing.
To his left, twenty feet away was the corner of the room and a closed door.
The old man saw John looking. "You'll never get out." But he slowed down, approaching cautiously, angling toward the door to cut off John's only escape route.
The old man looked nervous about the door. John broke and ran. Waves of pain shot up his leg from his swollen ankle but he ignored it. The old man lunged toward the door to intercept. John tried to stop and start, throw a fake at the old man, but his ankle folded and he hit the floor.
The old man dropped to one knee beside him and raised the hammer over his head. "Got you!"
But as the killer blow came down, John shifted slightly to the side and the hammer struck the cement beside his head, sending tiny chips flying into his face. He lashed out with his good foot, missed the old man's head but caught him in the ribs. As the old man grunted and toppled over, John got to his feet and struggled to the door.
Locked.
John twisted the knob and screamed in rage. The old man stood up. Mounted on the wall next to the door was a gray metal circuit box, the handle protruding from its side angled up in the on position. An electrical shut off.
"Get him, poppy," the old woman screamed from the other side of the room. A nice old couple who called each other momma and poppy.
John grabbed the handle with both hands, shot a glance at the old man, saw him bearing down, and pulled.
Lights out. Total darkness.
Just in time John ducked. He heard the old man grunt as the hammer dug into the drywall. With his manacled hands, John shoved the old man, then ran along the wall to his left. Moving through the dark it felt like a mile. The old lady screamed.
Cuffed hands out in front with the torn leather belt dangling from them, John ran into the wall and turned right. He had no idea where to go or what to do. Just knew he had to put as much distance as he could between him and the old man. At the next corner he turned right again. Just up ahead he heard the old lady. "Poppy, I can't see."
He slowed down, tried to catch his breath. Then the lights came on. Poppy must have gotten to the switch. John found himself next to the stainless steel butchering table, and face-to-face with the old lady. With the power on, her electric carving knife started buzzing.
"I got him, poppy!" she said and chopped at him with the knife.
John jerked his head back as the humming blade passed less than an inch from his eyes.
"Momma!" the old man screamed.
John looked across the big room at the old man by the door. Hammer swinging from his hand, he started to run towards them but had to go around the cattle chute. The old lady again cut at John but this time he managed to catch her wrist in his hands. As he kicked her in the shin he heard one of his bare toes crack, but she loosened her grip on the knife and he was able to jerk it out of her hand.
The old man rounded the end of the chute and howled in rage as he saw them struggling. Momma clawed at John's eyes with both hands, but he managed to close them just as her nails raked his face. Carving knife in hand, he slashed at the old lady. The vibrating blade ripped into the side of her neck and cut across her throat. She gurgled up a foul smelling blast of air from her open trachea that made John gag. With her eyes wide open, the old lady looked stunned as her knees folded and she collapsed to the ground.
John Burke turned and the old man was right on top of him, screaming, swinging the hammer at his head. As John raised the carving knife, the hammer snapped the blade off and knocked it from his hand. The old man lunged closer, grabbed him by the throat with his left hand and raised the hammer again.
John threw an awkward jab with his shackled hands and hit the old man in the face with just enough force to stun him into losing his grip on John's neck. Then with a two-handed uppercut to the gut, this one with a little more behind it, he doubled the old man over, then ran for the door.
Standing in front of the door, he jerked down the power switch and again shrouded the room in darkness. He raised his good leg and kicked the wooden door as hard as he could. It gave just a little. Behind him he heard the old man crying, and something else--things being knocked over, things hitting the floor, the sounds of searching.
As John kicked again, his bad ankle screamed in pain, yet still the door held. He caught his breath, raised his good leg and managed one more kick. This time the knob splintered off and the door flew open. Stairs led up.
Behind him, a two-count metallic click echoed through the room. The unmistakable sound of a shell being chambered. A shotgun.
Fighting back the pain, John loped up the stairs as the shotgun blasted behind him. Upstairs he found himself in an empty kitchen. He moved down a short hallway that opened into a room he recognized, the den of the old lady's house. It was dark outside and only a few lights were on inside the house.
Footsteps on the cellar stairs.
Frantically, John looked around, seeing the big bay windows, but no door to the outside. He knocked the dead telephone to the ground, snatched up the end table, and heaved it through one of the windows.
Outside the air was warm and muggy, the ground soft like after a rain. Naked, except for the handcuffs and leather belt hanging from them, John staggered toward the woods just beyond the house. As he reached the first trees he heard another shotgun blast behind him, heard glass shatter, heard pellets tearing through the trees to his right.
Into the trees, getting some of them between him and the house in case the old man ripped off another shot.
"Murderer! I'll kill you," the old timer yelled through the trees. Almost funny, a minute ago the old man trying to bash his brains in with a hammer but still had the nerve to call him a murderer. Not to mention the sweet old lady carving a man like a Christmas turkey.
John turned forty-five degrees to the right. Choosing a zig-zag over a straight line. A minute later he heard another shot, then the pellets ripped into the branches off to his left. A frustration shot. The old man had guessed he'd turn but he'd guessed the wrong way.
He'd gotten out of shape. Just a few minutes into the woods he was puffing like a steam train, a stitch like a knife twisting into his side. John could feel his ankle starting to swell. Time for the zag so he turned left, crossed through what he guessed was fifty or sixty yards of woods, then suddenly burst into a clearing--the cemetery. The high three-quarter moon cast short, dark shadows from the tombstones. Blackness in a sea of night.
Something crashed through the brush behind him in the distance, followed by bark of a big dog. John had trouble as he stepped over the low spiked fence that surrounded the graveyard. For a second he had to put all of his weight on his bad leg and came close to impaling himself.
John remembered another fence, a six-foot iron one that spanned the front of the property, the half-inch thick bars thrust at the sky like black spears. If it circled the whole property, how the hell was he going to get out?
The barking grew louder.
As he limped between the gravestones, John heard the old man cursing in the distance, farther away than the dog, but getting closer. Terror's icy hand gripped John Burke's heart. His feet stopped moving and he dropped down onto a soft, moist patch of earth and leaned his back against a marble slab that marked someone's final resting place, someone whose troubles were over for good. John put his head into his hands as despair washed over him.
He wasn't going to get away. Not on a bad ankle. Not with his hands cuffed. Not from a madman with a dog and shotgun. A madman who kept humans like cattle, who beat men to death with a hammer, whose wife ran a human butcher shop. They were close, the old man and his dog. John could hear the dog tearing through the underbrush just inside the woods, just beyond the cemetery fence. In a minute it would all be over. He wondered if Gail would ever find out what happened to him? To die like this, in a bone yard, victim to a crazy old man and his even crazier wife.
Fear, despair, hopelessness--these feelings surged through John as a sob racked his body so hard it bounced his back off the marble tombstone and shot a bolt of pain down his spine. Then, as if cleansed by fire, those feelings melted like snow, replaced by something new, by something better, by something that fueled him--Rage.
Perched in front of the grave next to him was a thick marble urn, holding a bouquet of long dead flowers. John rolled to it, grabbed the urn in both hands, and dumped out the withered flora. He felt the comforting weight of the urn, heavy enough to crush a dog's skull, or a man's.
He wasn't going to make it easy. If they were going to kill him, they'd have to work for it. The headstones were too small to hide behind unless he crouched down and John didn't want to crouch down and hide. He was through hiding, besides, his ankle couldn't take much crouching. Better to let the dog see him, try to get rid of the mutt before the old man made it out of the woods.
The underbrush got quiet. The dog was out of the woods. No more barking. The moonlight and the shadows played tricks on John's eyes. A glimpse of movement at the fence then nothing. He strained his eyes, willing them to see through the darkness but it was his ears that responded, picking up the quick thumping of padded feet on the wet grass. The sound coming from his left. John raised the urn and turned, then heard it behind him, much closer. A throaty growl. He tried to spin around but the furry beast hit him in the back.
Claws raked his bare shoulder blades as he slammed face first into the ground and the marble urn flew from his hands, useless. Sharp teeth gripped the back of his head and shook it like the stuffed head of a doll. His scalp tore--he actually felt it--as the dog growled and bit harder.
"Get him, boy!" the old man shouted from somewhere near the edge of the woods.
John used his good left leg to push into the ground and roll. The dog tightened its grip on John's head and tried to roll with him but John used his arms to topple the German Shepherd off of him. As the brute tried to regain his feet, John kept rolling until he was on top with the dog pinned under him. The canine's jaws sprung open, looking for something to bite as John grabbed the animal's big head, one hand on each side, and forced the handcuff chain and part of the leather belt into the back of its mouth.
With his naked body pressing down on the dog, John forced the Shepherd's head back. The handcuff chain cut into the roof of the dog's mouth as John pushed back harder and harder. The beast's nails ripped at John's chest and thighs, but still he forced the big head back until the dog's agonized yelping was cut short by a loud crack, like the dry snap of a rotten branch, as its neck broke and body went limp.
John rolled off of the dead dog and struggled to his feet. The old man yelled, "Did you get him, Butch? Did you get him?" John turned toward the sound of the man's voice and saw him stumble out of the woods, just on the other side of the fence, shotgun held across his chest. The old man's eyes locked on the animal lying on the ground. "Butch!" he cried, voice cracked with emotion Then he raised his shotgun.
John dropped behind a headstone just as a blast ripped through the air. Pellets smacked into the other side of the stone. Then, as the double click of a new shell being racked into the chamber echoed across the graveyard, John scrambled away on all fours, keeping his head below the top of the tombstones.
By the time he reached the cemetery fence, John could barely move. His breath came in ragged gasps; his chest, shoulders, and thighs were on fire; and the back of his neck felt wet and sticky. He lifted his cuffed hands over his head and wiped at his neck. His palms came away covered with blood, blood that looked almost black in the moonlight.
One foot got tangled going over the fence and John fell, landing with a thud on the other side. Behind him, fifty yards at most, he could hear the old man's quick shuffle coming across the cemetery. The old man mumbling and cursing to himself. Once John got into the tree line he felt a little safer, something between him and muzzle of that shotgun. But the going was slow. Much tougher than before. He started to feel dizzy. The dog had torn him up and he knew he was bleeding badly.
He'd made it this far but knew there was no way he could make it all the way back home, at least not tonight. Too tired and too hurt. But with the dog dead, all he had to do was shake the old man off his trail, then hole up somewhere until daylight. In the morning he would parallel the road just inside the trees to keep out of sight. His house was only two miles away. He would make it even if he had to crawl on his hands and knees the whole way.
He ran into the fence. Six feet tall, made of pointed wrought iron bars, no more than ten inches apart. Impossible to slip between them. The bars braced by two thin rectangular, iron beams that ran the length of the fence. One, a foot from the ground; the other, a foot from the top.
John hadn't gained any distance on the old man. He could hear his thrashing back in the trees, his slow, steady pace, his mumbling punctuated by curses.
There was only one way to get out and that was over the fence. John set his feet on the bottom support and grabbed the top crossbar with both hands, but with his wrists cuffed he couldn't spread his hands out. He couldn't climb.
He managed to pull himself up so his chin was over the top of the fence and then swung his good leg up. It didn't go high enough. Arms straining, he swung it up harder and managed to hook his heel on the top support, between two of the bars. That's when he lost his grip.
John fell but his foot stayed. He heard his ankle crack and he screamed. Caught between the two vertical bars and the horizontal support, his bare foot was wedged in tight and he hung upside down, naked, like a stuck pig being bled in a slaughterhouse.
The old man stepped out from the trees, shotgun held across his chest like a soldier. Fifteen feet from John, he raised it to his shoulder and grinned as he pulled the trigger. CLICK.
"Goddamit!" He racked the pump, took aim, and pulled the trigger again. Another empty click. This time he slammed the pump back and stared into the open chamber. "Son of a bitch," he mumbled, then grabbed the barrel in a two handed grip.
He swung it like a baseball bat at John's head and all John Burke could do was close his eyes. Just before the wooden stock crashed into his skull, he heard himself say, "Gail."
* * *
Gail Burke was on the toilet, in the middle of peeing, when the doorbell rang. "John," she heard herself say. "God, please let it be John." She pulled on her jeans and ran to the door, didn't even flush. But it wasn't John. It was a man, old but distinguished looking in a dark suit with a pale blue tie draped in front of a starched white shirt. She glanced behind him and saw a van parked in her driveway. Not a minivan, but a full-sized, white work van, windowless except for the driver and passenger doors. No name on the side.
"Can I help you?" she asked, losing hope her caller had anything to do with John.
He raised his hands slightly and she noticed they held a round plastic container. Rubbermaid, or Tupperware, with a lid on it. "Yes," she said.
"Mrs. Burke?"
Gail nodded.
My name is Muller, Frank Muller. He nodded to the right. "I live on Cemetery Road."
She gave him a brief smile.
"I've read about your...your husband's disappearance in the paper."
At first she'd had a lot of visitors like this. Well-wishers, sympathizers, but it had been two weeks and people had stopped coming by. Mostly, she guessed they thought John's disappearance maybe wasn't so mysterious after all. Middle-aged man, married for a dozen years, suddenly takes off. Maybe found a young girl. No mystery there. But she knew that wasn't what he'd done. Something terrible had happened. She could feel it.
"Thank you," was all she could think of to say.
He raised his hands again. "I've brought you something. Chili, my wife's secret recipe."
She looked at the container. The two-gallon size. That's a lot of chili, she thought. She caught a whiff of it as he slipped one hand under the container and lifted part of the lid with the other. He said, "Chock full of beef and beans. Put some meat on your bones."
Gail felt her face flush. Her jeans hung loosely on her hips. She'd lost ten pounds since John disappeared and hadn't had it to spare to begin with. "Thank you. Thank you very much, Mr..." She couldn't even remember the gentleman's name.
"Muller," he said.
"Of course," she said quickly. "Thank you again, Mr. Muller." Gail reached for the container. "To be honest I haven't felt much like cooking and that smells delicious. Please tell Mrs. Muller that I said--"
Mr. Muller shook his head. "Buried her recently."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
As she took the chili from him, he forced a smile. "I made it but it's her recipe so if it's good she gets the credit." He laughed a more genuine laugh. "And if it's bad, I'll take the blame."
She felt the heat through the plastic. They said goodbye and Gail Burke went inside to eat a bowl of Mrs. Muller's secret recipe. She felt her stomach growl with hunger. If it tasted as good as it smelled, maybe she'd have two bowls.
THE END

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide Spring Cleaning time! This includes a parade, a festival, and a temple ceremony. These events are haunted by and angry goose hating enchanted broom.
CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens Folks need to eat. And round here they like to eat massive angry chickens. Somebody's gotta deliver them, and that somebody is your players!
CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent Simple problems require convoluted solutions. Help Marvin enchant a plow that can pass through stones. What could go wrong?
CHAPTER 4: High Society After earning some respect the players get invited to a high falutin social dilly do. But not as guests. As the help. And this party is gonna need it! The entertainment is about to become a mesmerizing problem.
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners or Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 2ish Hours - Tone: Rural Mayhem and Foolishness
Grab the Free PDF Here. https://www.patreon.com/posts/adventure-to-83830560
I’ve also put these adventures into our *Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide https://www.patreon.com/posts/guide-bumpkin-to-80202231 The guide fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide has about two dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The locals are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NPC: “Boss” Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for... Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do! - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken! Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent Marvin Boudenbaum, AKA Marvin the Magnificent, has lived in town a good number of years, he wasn’t born here but is considered local by most folk. He is a mage of some skill, having mastered spells up to level 3 spells, and is frequently hired by locals to use his magic for anything and everything that their bumpkin brains can cook up. Thing is… Marvin has extraordinary bad luck, so bad in fact that his spellwork has a tendency to go wrong. Typically, it doesn’t go wrong in a dangerous fashion, but there was that time little Timmy Proudfoot was flung into the Astral Sea. Marvin was about to be sentenced for Negligent Magic Murdering when Timmy was suddenly returned by Captain Jinny Steampipe of the Atomic Dustbin (An Astral Spell Ship). Timmy was ok and Jinny and crew spent a few weeks spending some money and telling everyone in town amazing stories of the Astral Sea, so all was forgiven. Marvin, has since taken to having anyone who hires him sign liability waivers, you know just in case. He lives in a small tower just outside of town to the North.

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

CHAPTER 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSE

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

QUEST-LINE CLOSING

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
Reward Them! They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough fo a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide Spring Cleaning time! This includes a parade, a festival, and a temple ceremony. These events are haunted by and angry goose hating enchanted broom.
CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens Folks need to eat. And round here they like to eat massive angry chickens. Somebody's gotta deliver them, and that somebody is your players!
CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent Simple problems require convoluted solutions. Help Marvin enchant a plow that can pass through stones. What could go wrong?
CHAPTER 4: High Society After earning some respect the players get invited to a high falutin social dilly do. But not as guests. As the help. And this party is gonna need it! The entertainment is about to become a mesmerizing problem.
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners or Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 2ish Hours - Tone: Rural Mayhem and Foolishness
Grab the Free PDF Here. https://www.patreon.com/posts/adventure-to-83830560
I’ve also put these adventures into our *Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide https://www.patreon.com/posts/guide-bumpkin-to-80202231 The guide fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide has about two dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The locals are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NPC: “Boss” Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for... Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do! - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken! Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent Marvin Boudenbaum, AKA Marvin the Magnificent, has lived in town a good number of years, he wasn’t born here but is considered local by most folk. He is a mage of some skill, having mastered spells up to level 3 spells, and is frequently hired by locals to use his magic for anything and everything that their bumpkin brains can cook up. Thing is… Marvin has extraordinary bad luck, so bad in fact that his spellwork has a tendency to go wrong. Typically, it doesn’t go wrong in a dangerous fashion, but there was that time little Timmy Proudfoot was flung into the Astral Sea. Marvin was about to be sentenced for Negligent Magic Murdering when Timmy was suddenly returned by Captain Jinny Steampipe of the Atomic Dustbin (An Astral Spell Ship). Timmy was ok and Jinny and crew spent a few weeks spending some money and telling everyone in town amazing stories of the Astral Sea, so all was forgiven. Marvin, has since taken to having anyone who hires him sign liability waivers, you know just in case. He lives in a small tower just outside of town to the North.

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

CHAPTER 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSE

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

QUEST-LINE CLOSING

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
Reward Them! They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough for a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide Spring Cleaning time! This includes a parade, a festival, and a temple ceremony. These events are haunted by and angry goose hating enchanted broom.
CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens Folks need to eat. And round here they like to eat massive angry chickens. Somebody's gotta deliver them, and that somebody is your players!
CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent Simple problems require convoluted solutions. Help Marvin enchant a plow that can pass through stones. What could go wrong?
CHAPTER 4: High Society After earning some respect the players get invited to a high falutin social dilly do. But not as guests. As the help. And this party is gonna need it! The entertainment is about to become a mesmerizing problem.
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners or Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 2ish Hours - Tone: Rural Mayhem and Foolishness
Grab the Free PDF Here. https://www.patreon.com/posts/adventure-to-83830560
I’ve also put these adventures into our *Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide https://www.patreon.com/posts/guide-bumpkin-to-80202231 The guide fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide has about two dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The locals are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NPC: “Boss” Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for... Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do! - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken! Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent Marvin Boudenbaum, AKA Marvin the Magnificent, has lived in town a good number of years, he wasn’t born here but is considered local by most folk. He is a mage of some skill, having mastered spells up to level 3 spells, and is frequently hired by locals to use his magic for anything and everything that their bumpkin brains can cook up. Thing is… Marvin has extraordinary bad luck, so bad in fact that his spellwork has a tendency to go wrong. Typically, it doesn’t go wrong in a dangerous fashion, but there was that time little Timmy Proudfoot was flung into the Astral Sea. Marvin was about to be sentenced for Negligent Magic Murdering when Timmy was suddenly returned by Captain Jinny Steampipe of the Atomic Dustbin (An Astral Spell Ship). Timmy was ok and Jinny and crew spent a few weeks spending some money and telling everyone in town amazing stories of the Astral Sea, so all was forgiven. Marvin, has since taken to having anyone who hires him sign liability waivers, you know just in case. He lives in a small tower just outside of town to the North.

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

CHAPTER 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSE

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

QUEST-LINE CLOSING

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
Reward Them! They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough fo a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.

Not every town is on the map.
"Daddy, I gotta pee."
Dale Thornton looked over his shoulder at his six-year-old son belted into the back seat of their Jeep Cherokee. As the boy squirmed around, Dale looked at his wife in the passenger seat beside him. "Didn't he just go?"
Carol glanced at her watch. "That was over an hour ago." She twisted to look into the back seat. "Can you hold it?"
In the rearview mirror, Dale saw Jesse shake his head. His wife checked her watch again. He could almost see the wheels turning inside her head. She was the family mediator, and she had just come up with something that made perfect sense. One of the reasons he loved her so much was her ability to change gears. In himself, Dale recognized his single-mindedness as a drawback. He admired her flexibility. In more ways than one, he thought. She was a good wife and a good mother.
"It's almost five," Carol said. "Let's stop at the next town. We can all use the restroom and get something to eat."
Dale tugged the spiral-bound road atlas down from where he had wedged it between the visor and the roof. They had left Tulsa that morning, headed for Mardi Gras, and he hoped to be in New Orleans by 10 p.m. Looking at the LOUISIANA page, his eyes traced the route he had highlighted in yellow. They had detoured down old U.S. 167. Rural America was disappearing and Dale wanted his son to see something of it before it was completely gone.
They were somewhere south of Ruston. He couldn't remember if they had passed Jonesboro or not, so the next town was either that or--if they'd already passed it--Winnfield. The gas gauge was on a quarter of a tank. They needed to stop anyway. "All right, honey," he said. "We'll take a break."
Carol laid a hand on his leg. "I'm glad we came this way. You can't see anything from the Interstate."
Ten miles later they sprang upon a small town. There was an old-fashioned, carved wooden sign posted beside the highway. Dale read out loud, "Welcome to Batesville. Population 875."
"What's that mean," Jesse asked.
Dale glanced at his son in the rearview mirror. "That's how many people live here."
"When somebody dies, do they change the number on the sign?"
Carol smiled over her shoulder at Jesse. "I bet they change it when a baby is born."
Just like her. She didn't like to talk about death or dying. Instead, she liked to focus on the good things in life, babies, birthdays, and family vacations. She had always been like that but more so since her grandfather passed away last year. She had been very close to him, closer than she had ever been to her father.
Dale sneaked a glance at her. She was his angel but an angel with dark secrets. She had shared some of those secrets with him but not all of them, probably because she knew the abuse in her life disturbed him so much. "That sign probably hasn't been changed in twenty years," he said.
"Why put it up if it's not right?" Jesse asked.
Good question. "I don't know, son."
As they got into the little town, Dale was impressed. The side streets that cut off of the highway were lined with neat wooden houses, most of them with white picket fences. A lot of the little towns they had passed through looked run down and dirty, but not this one. Batesville was clean and pretty.
When they came to the town's only traffic light, Dale saw a business on each corner: a hotel, a gas station, a restaurant, and the Batesville General Store. Before the light turned green, Dale pulled the Jeep beside the pumps at the gas station. A middle-aged man wearing oil stained coveralls stepped out from the office. "What can I do you for?" he asked. His tone was friendly, something you didn't hear at many gas stations these days.
Dale stepped out of the driver's seat and stretched. "I need a fill-up and some food." Then he jerked his thumb toward the back seat. "And my son needs to use the head."
The man wiped his hands on a rag he pulled out of his pocket. Then he shook Dale's hand. "Dudley Simpson. I can help you with the gas and the bathroom for your boy, but as for food, afraid all I got is potato chips and sodas." He pointed to the restaurant across the street. "Right over there is the best food in town." He laughed. "Only restaurant we got, but I wouldn't kid you. It's really good. Restroom's not too bad either."
Jesse said he could hold it until they got to the restaurant, so Dale sent him and Carol across the street to get a table. When he reached for the gas pump, Dudley Simpson stopped him. "I don't charge extra for full service. Every car comes through here I pump the gas, look under the hood, and check the tires."
"Don't see that too much anymore," Dale said.
"Guess I'm kind of old-fashioned."
After Dudley finished, Dale added a couple of bucks to the bill. He felt a little awkward, unsure if he could tip the owner of a gas station without insulting him. But Dudley took no offense, just said thank you and asked him to stop in again on their way home.
When Dale turned the key, nothing happened. He turned it again and still nothing happened. Just a click. No dash lights, the motor didn't turn over, nothing. Dudley told him to pop the hood again. After Dale turned the key a couple more times with Simpson's head buried under the hood, Dudley said he'd found the problem. "Alternator's shot. You must've been running on battery for a good while."
"Can you fix it?"
The gas station owner looked at his watch. "Not today. Parts store is closed 'till tomorrow."
Great, just great, Dale thought.
"I could arrange a tow to somewhere else, next town down the highway has a Goodyear Service Center," Dudley said, "but even they won't get to it until tomorrow."
Dale nodded, his mind stuck on having to spend the night in Batesville instead of New Orleans.
"I'll get to it first thing," Dudley said. "Have you out of here by ten o'clock." He pointed at the hotel. "Mrs. Jensen has a nice place. A-C, cable TV, and no bugs."
Great. No bugs.
Dudley told Dale that he could leave the Jeep right where it was. No need to worry about it, he said. They had a town marshal but nothing ever happened in Batesville. So quiet the state police never even came by.
"Sorry I'm blocking your pumps," Dale said.
Dudley shrugged. "Other side's open." Then he looked at his watch. "Besides, it's five-thirty. I close in half an hour."
As he crossed the street, Dale remembered his gun. A Smith and Wesson .357 revolver that he always brought with him on road trips. You never knew what could happen. They might break down on the highway and get attacked by a drug-crazed motorcycle gang. The gun was in the cargo compartment, wrapped inside a cloth and tucked between the spare tire and the side wall. It would be safe enough.
At the restaurant he told Carol the news and in typical Carol fashion she looked on the bright side. "It'll be fun being stranded in a small town," she said. "Who knows what'll happen?"
"Do they have TV?" Jesse asked.
A cute young waitress served them. The plastic tag pinned to her blouse said her name was April. When she brought out their food she set Jesse's down first.
"That's the cutest little mark on your face," she said. "Almost looks like lipstick."
Unabashedly, Jesse pointed to the red oval shaped birthmark set high on his right cheek. "It means I'm special."
She smiled. "It looks like a kiss."
"Really?" Jesse asked.
Dale saw a look of contentment on Carol's face. Jesse's birthmark was something she'd never wanted their son to be shy or embarrassed about.
The waitress set out the rest of the plates. "I heard a mark like that means that right before you were born an angel kissed you."
Jesse turned to his mom. "Is that true?"
Carol smiled at her son and nodded. "I think she may be right."
April bent down and kissed Jesse on the top of his head. "I'm not an angel, but there's a kiss from me."
Dudley Simpson had been right; the food was excellent. After they ate, Dale got up to use the bathroom. "You need to go again, Jess?"
The boy shook his head. "No thanks."
Dale handed Carol a credit card. "Let's save our cash."
She nodded. "All right, baby."
"Back in a sec," he said as he turned away.
***
When he came out of the men's room, Carol and Jesse weren't at the table. The waitress had been quick. Most of the dirty plates were gone; the only ones left were his. Dale looked for his family near the front door, then up by the cash register, but they weren't there.
Maybe Jesse had changed his mind and Carol had brought him into the bathroom with her. So Dale waited, but after several minutes passed and they didn't come out, he decided to check outside. They might have gotten cold or Jesse could've gotten restless and they were waiting out front for him. But they weren't out front, either.
Across the street the lights were out at the gas station--Dudley was closed for the night. The Jeep Cherokee sat at the pumps. Anxiously, Dale looked at the hotel. Maybe...but they wouldn't do that, wouldn't have gone without him. That wasn't like Carol. Smart and independent, but she liked her husband doing the man things, and in her mind, checking into a hotel was a man thing.
Back inside he knocked on the door of the women's restroom. No one answered, so he cracked it open. "Carol?" No answer. "Carol, Jess, you there?"
"Can I help you, sir?" It was their waitress.
Embarrassed, Dale forced a laugh. "I seem to have lost my wife and son." He nodded toward the men's room. "While I was in there."
"Your wife and son?" She looked confused.
"When I came back they were gone."
She had a blank look on her face.
Annoyed, he said, "I ate with them."
The waitress furrowed her brow. "Sir, I didn't see you with anyone else."
Dale stared at her. For a second he thought that maybe he was wrong, maybe this wasn't his waitress. He checked her name tag, saw it said April. "You waited on us." Dale pointed to his right cheek. "My son has that little birthmark. You said an angel kissed him."
She shrugged. "I think I'd remember that."
He pointed to himself. "You remember me?" Then at their table. "We were sitting right there."
She nodded. "Yes, sir. I remember you, but you ate by yourself." She turned to the table where Dale's dishes still sat. "I was just bringing you your bill."
He raised his voice. "Is this some kind of a joke?" People began looking at him.
April took a step back and raised her hands. "You need to talk to Mr. Simms."
"Who's Mr. Simms?"
"The owner."
"Well that's who I want to see."
Mr. Simms was already scurrying over. "What's the problem?"
Dale turned to him. "I can't find my family." He pointed at the girl. "She was our waitress and she's telling me she doesn't even remember them."
Mr. Simms looked at April.
She shrugged again. "I'm sorry but he was alone. I've never seen his family."
Simms looked like he didn't understand. April tried to explain it again, but Dale cut her off and pointed to the table. "My family and I ate right there. I went to the restroom, came out, and they were gone."
Mr. Simms clapped a hand on Dale's shoulder. "Maybe they're outside waiting for you."
"I've checked outside," he barked. "They're not there."
Simms glanced at the waitress. "Why don't you get back to work. I'll handle this."
Dale grabbed her by the arm. "She knows where they are."
Everyone in the restaurant stared at him.
Mr. Simms jerked Dale's hand away from the girl. "Sir, she said she doesn't know where your family is."
April pleaded with her boss. "He didn't have his family with him."
"She's lying!" Dale said, as he inched closer to April.
Simms stepped between them. Looking at Dale, he said, "Have you checked your car?"
He nodded. "It's broken down at the gas station across the street. We've got to spend the night at the hotel."
Mr. Simms smiled. "That's probably it."
"What?"
"I bet they're at the hotel."
"He was by himself," April said.
The restaurant owner snapped his head towards her and pointed to the dinning area. "Go."
She looked at her boss for a second, a half-formed protest on her lips; then suddenly she spun on her heel and stomped away.
Simms looked back at Dale. "Have you checked the hotel?"
"They wouldn't do that."
"Have you checked?" Insistent.
Dale could feel himself losing control as the sweat dripped from his armpits. He took several deep breaths, trying to force himself to calm down. "No, I haven't."
"Maybe your kids got tired."
The deep breathing had made him light-headed. "Just the one boy." As Dale turned toward the door, Simms patted him on the back. "I'm sure everything's going to be fine."
But things weren't fine. At the hotel, he woke up Mrs. Jensen. Turns out she and Mr. Jensen had an apartment behind the office. Dale had banged on the glass door of the office for five minutes before a light came on.
Mrs. Jensen had come out first. A white haired old lady, covered in a paper-thin pink housecoat, imprinted with blue flowers the size of a quarter. A minute later, Mr. Jensen, looking about seventy, dressed in a full set of dark green, silk pajamas and a pair of matching slippers, stumbled into the office, smelling like he'd taken a bath in Jack Daniel's.
Dale's heart sank. He went through the story anyway, but as he expected, the Jensens said that no one had checked in or even come by since mid-morning.
Walking back to the restaurant, he looked at his Jeep. Still empty and no one near it.
A marked police car was parked near the restaurant's front door. As he got closer, Dale read the decal on the side, BATESVILLE TOWN MARSHAL. Maybe now he could get some help.
Just inside, near the cash register, Dale found April the waitress, Mr. Simms, and a heavyset man in jeans and a T-shirt, talking. As he walked up, all three stopped and stared at him. He felt like a freak in a boardwalk exhibit.
"Did you find them?" Simms asked.
Dale shook his head. "The people at the hotel haven't seen them."
The big man in jeans took a step toward him. "Mr...?
"Thornton. Dale Thornton."
The man stuck out his hand. "Jerry Stillwell. I'm town marshal."
"Saw your car outside." Dale shook the marshal's hand. "My wife and son are miss--"
"I understand there was a problem here earlier."
"Yeah there's a problem. My family disappeared."
The marshal and Simms traded glances; then he looked back at Dale. "So I heard. What do you think happened to them?"
Something didn't feel right. "If I knew that, they wouldn't be missing."
Marshal Stillwell stuck his belly out. "No reason to get smart. You all ready scared some customers. Don't make--"
"Scared some customers. Is that why you're here, because I scared some customers? My wife and son are MISSING!" Everyone in the restaurant had stopped eating and was watching the soap opera at the door. With a sharp edge to his voice, Dale said, "What are you going to do about it?"
The marshal jabbed a finger at him. "You better calm yourself down or I'll do it for you. Now I need to ask you some questions," his eyes swept the customers, "and I don't think this is the place to do it."
"I'm not going anywhere." Dale pointed to the completely cleaned off table where they'd eaten. "Half an hour ago my family and I ate right there. Now they're gone. Someone in here knows what happened to them."
The marshal dropped a big hand on Dale's shoulder and tried to guide him out the door. "We're going to find your family, but not here, not like--"
Dale pulled away. He pointed to Simms and the waitress. "They coming with us?"
"I don't see the need for--"
Dale reached out for April. "She's lying!"
With surprising speed, the town marshal slipped behind him and clamped a meaty forearm around his throat, sealing off his windpipe. Dale grabbed at the hairy arm and tried to twist it away as the marshal whispered in his ear, "Take it easy, son." Then something jabbed him in the kidney that sent waves of pain shooting up his back.
Seconds later, Dale was on the floor, his cheek pressed against the cool tiles, as the marshal handcuffed his wrists behind his back.
***
"She said it was the kiss of an angel, huh?" Marshal Stillwell asked. Things had calmed down some. Dale and the town marshal were alone in his office. Dale was still handcuffed, but the marshal had moved them to the front. He sat in a chair in front of the lawman's desk, watching him fill out forms with a ballpoint pen. Stillwell touched his finger to his right cheek. "That mark you're talking about is right here?"
Dale nodded.
"That's strange."
The handcuffs were uncomfortable. Dale twisted his wrists, trying to get some circulation back. "What's unusual about it?"
"We had a preacher in town few years back with the same kind of mark on his face." Stillwell traced a small circle on his cheek. "Heard him say once during a sermon it was from an angel's kiss."
Dale stared at the marshal, his flesh suddenly crawling with goosebumps.
"But he was a strange one. Lots of rumors. Guess it goes with the territory."
"What territory?"
"Young, good-looking preacher. Single. Moves into town, starts preaching all hours of the night." He gave Dale a knowing wink, like they were sharing a secret. "Giving special counseling sessions to half the women in town."
Grasping at straws, looking for anything. Dale said, "Is he still here?"
Marshal Stillwell shook his head. "Church burned down."
"What about the preacher?"
"We never found his body."
"He was the only one in the church?"
Stillwell looked down at the form on his desk and pressed his pen to it. "He had six or eight ladies in there with him. Supposed to be some sort of social club. Fire was so hot, we couldn't tell one body from the next. That was when the rumors really started."
Dale flexed his fingers. His hands hurt. "What kind of rumors?"
The marshal laughed. "Just gossip. People 'round here are simple minded, superstitious, that's all."
"What kind of gossip?"
Stillwell looked up. "Not everybody you understand, but some people have been talking about how the preacher isn't really dead, about how he's gonna come back some day."
Dale needed to get out, to find Carol and Jesse. There was something terribly wrong here. "Am I under arrest?"
Stillwell nodded.
In the corner stood a single holding cell, the door gaping open, waiting. "What's the charge?"
The marshal jerked a thumb in the general direction of the restaurant. "Disturbing the peace."
"What about my family?"
The man tapped the pile of forms in front of him. "I'll forward these missing persons reports to the state police in the morning; then I'll call the judge and try to get a bond set for you."
Dale sprung to his feet. "I've got to find my family tonight!"
Marshal Stillwell eased out of his chair and stood up. "Just calm down. Soon as I get this information to them, the state troopers will be on the lookout." He jerked his thumb toward the south. "Their office is just five miles down the road."
Dale nodded at the phone on the desk. "Call them now."
The marshal shook his head. "Can't do that."
"Why not."
"I got procedures to follow."
Dale Thornton squatted and shoved the desk into Stillwell. The marshal's chair rolled back on its casters but snagged on something and tipped over, spilling Marshal Stillwell onto the floor. Dale scrambled over the desk, knocking papers, pens, and a near full cup of coffee on top of the lawman, then dropped a knee into the man's big belly. The marshal curled into a ball and moaned.
Stillwell didn't have a gun on him, at least not one Dale could find. The way he was dressed it looked like he had been called out from home. Maybe he forgot his gun, or maybe he just didn't carry one. Dale grabbed a handful of shirt and dragged the marshal into the open holding cell, then kicked the door shut. It locked automatically.
By the time Stillwell staggered to his feet Dale was searching his desk. The marshal tried to rip the steel bars apart with his bare hands. "Let me out of here, you crazy bastard!"
Dale ignored him. In the bottom right hand drawer he found a gun, a .38 caliber, five-shot Smith and Wesson. Stillwell started shouting for help. Dale leveled the gun at him. "Shut up."
Stillwell quit yelling.
Dale kept searching.
A few seconds later, the marshal said, "You'll never get away with this."
Holding his wrists up, Dale rattled the handcuffs. "Keys?"
The cop pointed to the desk. "Bottom left."
After he got the handcuffs off, Dale finished going through the desk, then did a quick search of a filing cabinet that was set against the wall. There he found keys to the holding cell and a roll of duct tape.
As Dale approached the cell, Marshal Stillwell backed against the far wall. "What are you gonna do?"
Aiming the revolver at Stillwell's belly, Dale ordered him to lie on the floor. A few minutes later he relocked the cell door, leaving the marshal with his hands cuffed behind his back and a strip of silver duct tape wrapped around his head that sealed his mouth shut. On his way out of the marshal's office, Dale tossed the revolver back into the desk drawer and kicked it shut. That was trouble he didn't need.
The state police. "Their office is just five miles down the road," the marshal had said.
Darkness had settled over the Batesville. How long had he been in the marshal's office? Everything in town was closed and locked up tight. There wasn't a light to be seen, and not a soul on the street. He didn't see any payphones.
He had to get out of town. Which way had the marshal pointed when he mentioned the state police? Thinking about it, Dale decided it had to be south. They'd driven in from the north and he was sure they hadn't passed a state police troop.
The night had turned cold. If he was going to walk for five miles he needed a jacket.
It took just a few minutes to make it to the gas station. His Jeep was right where he'd left it, but when he reached into his pocket for the keys they weren't there. An image flashed through his mind. A close up shot just like in a movie. His hand reaching toward Dudley Simpson's, and in his hand, his keys.
Damn!
He looked into the rear window, saw their luggage lying in the back. Dale thought about breaking the window and getting a jacket, maybe his gun, too. Not the gun. He was in enough trouble all ready for what he'd done to the town marshal. Assault, kidnapping--maybe not kidnapping, he hadn't taken him anywhere, just locked him in his own cell--but something like kidnapping. Desperation had driven him to it. That's the only reason he had done it. Because he had to find Carol and Jesse.
He could make it without a jacket.
Old Highway 167 south. Dale Thornton started walking. Ten minutes later he saw headlights behind him, coming from town. He crouched in the bushes beside the highway, but the beat-up pickup glided to a stop next to him. An old man sat behind the wheel, alone in the truck. "You need a ride?"
Feeling like a complete fool, Dale stood. "Yeah, I guess."
"Where you headed?"
"You know where the state police office is?"
The old man nodded, then jerked his head toward the passenger side. "Hop in."
As he climbed into the pickup truck, Dale shot a glance at the old man. Probably at least seventy, with long ghost white hair and a bushy mustache, wearing a stained undershirt and a pair of denim overalls. Dale scanned the dashboard for a clock but didn't see one. "What time is it?"
The old man shrugged. "Haven't worn a watch in thirty years. Do things as quick as I can. A timepiece strapped to my wrist ain't gonna make me move any faster."
The drive was torture. Never did the old man go over thirty-five miles an hour. Only good thing was that he didn't ask any questions. Just dropped Dale off in the parking lot of the state police troop. As he walked through the door into the police station, Dale glanced over his shoulder and saw the old man's pickup rumbling down the highway.
Inside, sitting behind a chest high counter, was a uniformed trooper, sergeant stripes on his sleeves. Mid-40's, with an iron gray crew cut. "Can I help you, sir?" the sergeant said.
Dale spat out the story as fast as he could, leaving out the part about how he'd handcuffed the town marshal and left him gagged in his own jail cell.
The sergeant's face had remained inscrutable while Dale talked. "What was the name of that town again, sir?"
"Batesville."
The sergeant wheeled his chair over to a map hanging on the wall. "And where'd you say it was?"
The state cop demonstrated the same bureaucrat mentality as the town marshal. Any minute now he'd break out a sheaf of forms and start filling them out. Dale pointed north. "Five miles that way."
"What'd you say your name was again?" The sergeant glided the chair back over to his work area and pulled a pen from his shirt pocket.
"Thornton. Dale Thornton."
As soon as the sergeant finished jotting Dale's name on a pad, he looked up. "There's no town named Batesville."
"I was just there!"
The sergeant stood up. "Take it easy, sir. I'm sure you just got the name mixed up."
Just like in the restaurant.
"...get to the bottom of it." The desk sergeant was still talking, but Dale hadn't heard everything. He felt dizzy. Was everyone around here crazy? "We ate dinner there," he mumbled. "I left my car at the gas station. Dudley Simpson's gas station."
The sergeant nodded as he walked around the counter. A big man, at least six feet, with the beefy build of a weightlifter. "I know Simpson's place. Old 167 and Highway 90. But there's no town there, just the gas station."
"The gas station's smack in the middle of the town. There's a restaurant, a general store, and a hotel, too."
The sergeant closed on him, his body bladed, his gun side away from Dale. "I need you to put your hands on the counter, sir."
"What?"
With his right hand resting on his holstered pistol, the state trooper took hold of Dale's wrist with his left hand and pushed it to the top of the counter. Dale's other hand followed. The sergeant said, "Pull you feet back."
"What are you doing?"
"You have any weapons on you?"
"No! Of course not." Glad he'd left the marshal's gun, glad he hadn't gotten his own out of the Jeep.
"I'm just gonna pat you down."
"Why?" Dale said. "I haven't done anything. My family's missing?"
The sergeant slid his hands over Dale's waist and the outside of his pockets. "It's for safety, sir."
"Whose?"
"Yours and mine," the trooper sergeant said as he stepped backward a few feet.
"Something's happened to my wife and son. I came here for help."
"What happened to them?"
"I don't know," Dale said. "That's why I need your help."
"Mr. Thornton, I've worked this area for nineteen years. There is no town called Batesville."
"I don't care what you call it, but there's a town five miles away and we need to go there right now."
"Closest town is twelve miles from here and it's south."
The gas station. At least the sergeant knew about the gas station. Dale looked over his shoulder at the big cop. "Can I stand up?" After getting a nod, Dale pushed away from the counter and stood straight. Arguing wasn't getting him anywhere. "Look sergeant, maybe I seem a bit confused, but I know my wife and 6-year-old son are missing. Our car broke down at Simpson's gas station. Can you drive me there and help me look for them?"
The sergeant took his hand off his pistol and relaxed a little. "How'd you get here?"
"An old man in a pickup gave me a ride."
"You get his name?"
Dale's mouth opened but nothing came out as he realized he couldn't remember a thing about the old man or his truck. No details at all.
"What's the matter?"
Dale shook his head. "He...he just gave me a ride. I didn't get his name."
The trooper sergeant held up his hand. "Stay right here. Soon as I get someone to cover the desk, I'll give you a ride back to Simpson's."
Ten minutes later Dale climbed into the passenger seat of the state police car. The sergeant looked over at him. "Put your seatbelt on." Dale strapped himself in but noticed the sergeant didn't.
On the highway the trooper asked him to go over the story again. As Dale repeated what had happened, the sergeant asked several questions about Simpson's: what time of day, what was wrong with the car, who had the keys; but he asked nothing about what happened in the restaurant. The restaurant that wasn't there, according to the sergeant.
A few minutes later the police cruiser's headlights lit up the darkened gas station and Dale's Jeep parked at the pumps.
There was nothing else--absolutely nothing else.
The sergeant slowed down as he turned into the parking lot. "That your Cherokee?"
Stunned, Dale couldn't answer. Staring out the window, struck dumb by what he saw, or didn't see. No restaurant, no hotel, no Batesville General Store--no town. Just empty farmland and a few trees surrounding the gas station.
The trooper pulled his car up behind the Jeep, leaving a car-length gap between the two of them. "Stay here," he said as he pulled a flashlight from a charger mounted to the dash.
Dale leaned his head against the window and watched the sergeant creep up to the driver's door of his Jeep Cherokee, flashlight held out in front of him, his other hand on the butt of his pistol. The state cop opened the door--the locked door--and poked his head inside the passenger compartment of Dale's Jeep. The trooper backed out and held up his hand, Dale's keys dangling from his fingers. "Keys were inside," he shouted.
With legs quivering, Dale stepped out of the police car. He couldn't understand this. The Jeep had been locked, Dudley Simpson had the keys. He stumbled toward the trooper.
The sergeant shined his flashlight into the back, into the cargo compartment. Suddenly, his face turned to stone. He dropped the keys, drew his gun, aimed both it and his flashlight at Dale. "Don't move!"
Dale stopped dead. What the hell was...
"Get on the ground!"
Not comprehending, Dale just stood there.
The trooper screamed at him, "Get on the fucking ground--now."
Dale Thornton dropped face down onto the pavement. From the corner of his eye, he saw the sergeant side-stepping around him until he was behind Dale and to his left.
The trooper said, "Turn your head to the right."
Dale did as he was told. Then the sergeant closed in and cuffed his hands behind his back. Just the second time in his life Dale had been handcuffed, both on the same night.
After backing up a few steps, the sergeant keyed the radio clipped to his belt and called the state police troop. When the dispatcher answered, the sergeant said, "I need back up units," Dale heard him take a deep breath, "and notify the corner."
The tinny voice from the radio said, "What you got, sergeant?"
"Homicide," the trooper answered. "Suspect is in custody."
Homicide?
The sergeant hooked Dale's elbows and jerked him to his feet, then picked up the keys and opened the tailgate of the Jeep.
Lying in the back, in the cargo space, arms and legs twisted into a torturous configuration, was the naked body of his wife, Carol. At the back of her head, her golden hair was tangled and caked with dried blood. Her face chalk white, her forehead blown out where the bullet had exited. On the carpet next to her was a .357 revolver--Dale's .357 revolver.
She was alone.
"Jesse!" Dale screamed at the dark and empty fields.
***
In 1885 the town of Batesville, Louisiana burned to the ground. Scores of people were killed in the predawn fire that swept through the town. Among those reported killed in the blaze was the town's only minister, but many bodies were so badly burned that positive identification was impossible.
The fire started in the Batesville church and was allegedly set by a preacher from a nearby town. The preacher, a God-fearing and righteous man, was said to have been outraged at the evil deeds going on in Batesville, which he had called a modern-day Sodom.
The town of Batesville was never rebuilt.
THE END

Ahh yes daddy buzz this pussy ahhh
Mhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ahhhYou want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. , bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says,
THEY SEE ME ROLLIN THEY HATINg THEY TRYNA GET MY DICK MAD DIRTY idk the song lyrics tbh but that's how I remembered it as a kid
"Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls ... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at
I have a disturbing panty fetish help me guys
really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff.
POLLINATE HARDER POLLINATE FASTER YASSS QUEEN
Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open 6969696996996999999969969699تيخيزهسمسوسخسمستسخميتيهشخ mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, geahahahahagahahaga bitches pls help siakiaosasksk skpss kskskskskskst with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a labe كس امك يا حول احا خخخخخخخl on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, r yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. Sabsjsjsjo why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the firahsusnahst time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody
I CALL MY DICK THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER CUZ IT DEFINITELY BIG AND IT DEF BE COLLDINF WITH THE BITCHES
needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very ! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what
Y'all think venasaa wanted to fuck Barry? Too bad that male bees ball explode after they nut speaking of HONEY NUT CHEERIOS AHH
understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees!
I quit porn for 5 days. I am so horny. If a lady touched my legs I would bust. Please help. I was on the verge to develop a vaccine for aids via targeting the reverse transcriptase enzyme using the same technology in the the Covid-19 but I cannot masterbate to make it.
Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the , we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that
I plan to kill myself by overdosing on paracetamol and alcohol but I am too scared to end my miserable life. pussy me. Ha you are what you eat
another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky!
They should make johnny sins part of the avenger. I like GTA 5 ha I am a basic aka anti acidic trollololollol
Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! -million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're hdusjdjeowokwje8sjsu0akwha9nwe89wb28ekenhd8dne8w3uoskwnsiwnehs8neuskebeisknsgonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.
I masterbate on GitHub bc 01010 ain't on the regular hub
Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare e0000000000h who lives in a pineapple under the sea?? d?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Hello friends,
I'm normally a PC hardware enthusiast but the last few years I found myself not really on the computer as much, and thus fell off the bleeding edge wagon in news and computer tech. My old gaming rig is Intel Haswell era (2015) built, so Z87 chipset with DDR3-1600 and I think 1156 was the socket? I'm trying to upgrade motherboard, CPU and memory and looking for any killer deals or prices I most likely would never see.

• I'm leaning toward Ryzen 5 right now but absolutely open to Intel.
• Any motherboard of any size is fine, don't need wild features at all. Preferably PCI-E 4.0 and an m.2 NVME slot.
• Overclocking is not needed but if the CPU is unlocked that's a cool bonus.
• I just bought a RTX 3060 12GB so thats where I'm at with GPU bottleneck
• 32GB RAM (8x4dimms or 2x16dimmd) is the sweet spot I think, but 16GB (8x2dimms) works too so I can add more later if need be.

Is there anything deal wise that jumps out at anyone? I'd say my budget is like $300 but could go over that a little bit.
I super appreciate any help :D

Hello everyone.
IGS Rep page
Steam Wishlist (Keeps changing)
Steam account
WANT
Your games Offers and or Paypal Offers
Mention what you want 1st please. Use grey markets values that we all know as value guidelines. I understand that most of us want the best trades we can posiblly get but try not to lowball me please. If your offers are reasonable i will respond ASAP.
HAVE
Close to the Sun
Worms Rumble + Worms Rumble - Legends Pack
The Slater
Styx: Shards of Darkness
Hellpoint
Sid Meier's Pirates!
Beyond the Wire
WARSAW
Plane Mechanic Simulator
Motorcycle Mechanic Simulator 2021
Construction Simulator 2015
Sid Meier's Civilization: Beyond Earth
Pure Farming 2018 - Deluxe Edition
Farmer's Dynasty
West of Dead
Relicta
KEO
Shadwen
Lacuna: A Sci-Fi Noir Adventure
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Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide
XCOM: Chimera Squad
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Pizza Connection 2
Red Solstice 2: Survivors
Jurassic World Evolution
Iron Harvest
Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood
John Wick Hex
Duke Nukem Forever
Sacred 2 - Gold Edition
Killsquad
S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl
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Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
Chicken Police: Paint It RED!
Total Tank Simulator
ATOM RPG Trudograd
In Sound Mind
Dead Island Riptide Definitive Edition
Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor
Seven: The Days Long Gone
Victoria II
Panzer Paladin
Black Book
Tyranny (Deluxe Edition)
Sundered (Eldritch Edition)
Die Young
Ghostbusters: The Video Game Remastered
Outcast - Second Contact
Automobilista
Dishonored Definitive Edition
Gauntlet
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The Bard's Tale IV: Director's Cut
Grow: Song of the Evertree
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ECHO
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TransOcean: The Shipping Company
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NASCAR Heat 5 Ultimate Edition
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BioShock: The Collection (EU)
Siege Survival: Gloria Victis
Baldur's Gate II: Enhanced Edition
Road 96
LEGO The Incredibles
Monkey Island: Special Edition Bundle
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Dead Island Definitive Collection
Resident Evil 3
Resident Evil 7: Biohazard Gold Edition
Metro Exodus - Gold Edition
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Hot Wheels Unleashed
Daymare: 1998
Fallout: New Vegas
Lego Batman 2: DC Super Heroes
Bendy and the Dark Revival
Spiritfarer: Farewell Edition
Gravel
LEGO Jurassic World
LEGO: Marvel Super Heroes
Metal Gear Solid V - The Definitive Experience
DOOM
Truck Mechanic Simulator 2015
Jagged Alliance: Rage!
Get Even
WWE 2K Battlegrounds + Ultimate Brawlers Pass DLC
In Other Waters
Between the Stars
Command & Conquer Remastered Collection (ORIGIN)
Spellcaster University
Genesis Noir
EMBR
STAR WARS: Squadrons (ORIGIN)
Phoenix Point: Year One Edition
Call of the Sea
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE
Legend of Keepers: Career of a Dungeon Manager
Yes, Your Grace
Gas Station Simulator
In Sound Mind
Mind Scanners
Omno
Forgive Me Father
INDUSTRIA
Shapez + Shapez - Puzzle DLC
Epic Chef
Railroad Corporation (EU)
Golf Gang
Shadow Tactics: Aiko's Choice
UnMetal
Raji: An Ancient Epic
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes
Wasteland 3
First Class Trouble
Backbone
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
Blade Assault
Super Magbot
Encased: A Sci-Fi Post-Apocalyptic RPG
OlliOlli World - Rad Edition (EU)
Conan Chop Chop
Hokko Life
The Serpent Rogue
Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous
Fallout: A Post Nuclear Role Playing Game
Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales
Shady Part of Me
Scourgebringer
Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
Five Dates
BIOMUTANT
Edge Of Eternity
Hero's Hour
Rogue Lords
Demon Turf
Golden Light
Monster Crown
Rollerdrome (EU)
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
Revita
Founders' Fortune
Operation: Tango
Windjammers 2
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
The Invisible Hand
Two Point Hospital (EU)
Yakuza 0 (EU)
Metro Last Light Redux (EU)
Shadow Warrior
Shadow Warrior 2
Ember
Golf With Your Friends
Deus Ex: Human Revolution Director's Cut
Space Hulk: Deathwing Enhanced Edition
Deep Rock Galactic
Ridge Racer™ Unbounded Bundle
Company of Heroes
Company of Heroes: Opposing Fronts
Flockers
Sheltered
Aven Colony
Ageless
The Escapists + 3 DLCs
Worms Rumble + 4 DLCs
The Walking Dead + 400 Days
The Walking Dead: Season Two
The Walking Dead: Michonne - A Telltale Miniseries
The Walking Dead: A New Frontier
One Finger Death Punch 2
Slap City
How to Survive 2
Dead in Vinland
The Wild Eight
Knights of Pen & Paper 2
Miscreated
Lead and Gold: Gangs of the Wild West
GRIP: Combat Racing + 4 DLCs
We Were Here Together
Kyle is Famous: Complete Edition
LEGO Batman 3: Beyond Gotham
Talisman: Digital Edition + 3 DLCs
The Amazing American Circus
White Day: A Labyrinth Named School
White Day VR: The Courage Test
The Painscreek Killings
Magicka
Dungeon of the ENDLESS
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Peppy's Adventure
Red Faction: Armageddon
Hamilton's Great Adventure
Heat Signature
Aragami
Sid Meier’s Civilization VI + 2 DLCs (EU)
Sid Meier's Starships
Sid Meier's Ace Patrol: Pacific Skies
Sid Meier's Ace Patrol
Sid Meier's Colonization (Classic)
Sid Meier's Covert Action (Classic)
Supraland
Popup Dungeon
Wandersong
Expeditions: Viking
Vagante
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Radio Commander
SUPERHOT
Kingdom Two Crowns
Tooth and Tail
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Fury Unleashed
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
Slinger VR
EarthX
Telefrag VR
Say No! More
We Are Alright
Going Under
Broken Age
Super Meat Boy Forever
Pine
Bartlow's Dread Machine
Stories Untold
RAD
Super Meat Boy
Saturday Morning RPG
Sudden Strike 4
Railway Empire
Spacebase Startopia
Dungeons 2
Dungeons 3
Commandos: Behind Enemy Lines
Commandos 2 - HD Remaster
Plebby Quest: The Crusades
Field of Glory: Empires
Strider
Bionic Commando
The Technomancer
Hood: Outlaws & Legends
Adventure Time: Pirates of the Enchiridion
TRANSFORMERS: BATTLEGROUNDS
DreamWorks Dragons: Dawn of New Riders
My Friend Peppa Pig
JUMANJI: The Video Game
Paw Patrol: On A Roll!
Drone Swarm
Perfect Heist 2
The Almost Gone
X-COM: COMPLETE PACK
XCOM: ULTIMATE COLLECTION
Railroad Tycoon 3
Railroad Tycoon II Platinum
Sid Meier's Railroads!
CivCity: Rome
The Golf Club 2019 featuring PGA TOUR
STAR WARS - Knights of the Old Republic
STAR WARS Jedi Knight - Jedi Academy
STAR WARS Jedi Knight II - Jedi Outcast
STAR WARS Knights of the Old Republic II - The Sith Lords
Full Throttle Remastered
Grim Fandango Remastered
Pinball FX3 - Star Wars Pinball: The Last Jedi
Guts and Glory
Let Them Come
Cardpocalypse
Viking: Battle For Asgard
Total War: Shogun 2 + Rise of the Samurai DLC
Planescape: Torment Enhanced Edition
Icewind Dale: Enhanced Edition
SCUM
The Long Dark: Survival Edition
Volcanoids
SurrounDead
Starsand
Praey for the Gods
Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice
Batora: Lost Haven
Sable
Dreamscaper
The Blackout Club
The Anacrusis
Zombie Army Trilogy
Back 4 Blood (EU)
Supraland Six Inches Under
Yonder: The Cloud Catcher Chronicles
Lake
Winkeltje: The Little Shop
Summer in Mara
Luna's Fishing Garden
Townscaper
Serin Fate
Kitaria Fables
Stranded Sails - Explorers of the Cursed Islands
Guts and Glory
Let Them Come
Cardpocalypse
Wintermoor Tactics Club
Hitchhiker - A Mystery Game
Totally Reliable Delivery Service
Mayhem in Single Valley
Hand of Merlin

Purpose: Sitting in my pocket, opening packages, semi-rare actual hard use work cuts, fidgeting. I use a nice boxcutter with high quality replacement utility blades for 90% of my actual job cutting. Must be a button lock or something functionally similar.
Size: Must be under 3 inches. 3 inches is too long. 2.95 inches is fine.
Price Range: I'm trying to spend no more than $100, and the Bugout is simply too much for what I'm going to be using it for (nothing), but I don't want total garbage if I can avoid it. I know if I just spend a little more I can get your favorite version of this instead, but I'm firm on $100.
Blade Type: Not picky, but will be carrying and using in mixed public so probably nothing a random would find wicked looking. Drop point and clip point are fine, as are tanto and reverse, but spear point is probably too much, and nothing with a crazy curve. Serration is fine as long as it's just a small part of the blade.
Blade Steel (optional): Best I can get for long-term edge retention for the money. Once a year or so I'll take it to a guy I know who lives for this and would love to sharpen it for a few bucks, even with a hellacious steel. Does not need to hold a super duper sharp edge, I have razors for that.
Anything else: If I could add a little thumb flipper bump to the back of the Mini Bugout, it would be perfect (I don't prefer the thumb studs) I dislike tactical and hunting designs, I like friendly and colorful, or sleek and classy. Mostly I am after a fidget toy that can also do cuts well. The smoothness and crispness of the action, and the one-handed operation without putting my thumb in the blade path are what I'm after.
I'm currently rocking a Kizer Rapid, which is perfect on all counts aesthetically, except it's too long for my state, and I would prefer a locking mechanism that doesn't put my finger in the blade path. I love how well it flips open and just gravity falls closed, however.
Thanks!

Airtimes EST
THU JUN 01
(1:30AM) The Girl Who Had Everything (1953/1h 9m/Drama/Richard Thorpe)
(2:45AM) It's a Big Country: An American Anthology (1952/1h 29m/Drama/Clarence Brown)
(4:30AM) Alias a Gentleman (1948/1h 16m/Comedy/Harry Beaumont)
(6:00AM) Showgirl in Hollywood (1930/1h 20m/Musical/Mervyn Le Roy)
(7:30AM) Bright Lights (1931/1h 9m/Musical/Michael Curtiz)
(8:45AM) Cain and Mabel (1936/1h 30m/Romance/Lloyd Bacon)
(10:30AM) Marked Woman (1937/1h 36m/Drama/Lloyd Bacon)
(12:15PM) Ziegfeld Girl (1941/2h 11m/Musical/Robert Z. Leonard)
(2:45PM) The Prince and the Showgirl (1957/1h 57m/Comedy/Laurence Olivier)
(4:45PM) Party Girl (1958/1h 39m/Crime/Nicholas Ray)
(6:30PM) Viva Las Vegas (1964/1h 26m/Musical/George Sidney)
(8:00PM) Bringing Up Baby (1938/1h 42m/Comedy/Howard Hawk)
(10:00PM) Break of Hearts (1935/1h 20m/Romance/Philip Moeller)
(11:30PM) Sylvia Scarlett (1935/1h 37m/Romance/George Cukor)
FRI JUN 02
(1:15AM) Mary of Scotland (1936/2h 3m/Romance/John Ford)
(3:30AM) Quality Street (1937/1h 24m/Comedy/George Stevens)
(5:00AM) Christopher Strong (1933/1h 17m/Romance/Dorothy Arzner)
(6:30AM) The Little Minister (1934/1h 50m/Romance/Richard Wallace)
(8:30AM) Spitfire (1934/1h 28m/Drama/John Cromwell)
(10:00AM) Blood on the Moon (1948/1h 28m/Western/Robert Wise)
(11:30AM) The Good Guys and the Bad Guys (1969/1h 31m/Comedy/Burt Kennedy)
(1:15PM) Desire Me (1947/1h 31m/Romance/George Cukor)
(3:00PM) Holiday Affair (1949/1h 27m/Romance/Don Hartman)
(4:30PM) Angel Face (1953/1h 31m/Crime/Otto Preminger)
(6:15PM) Out of the Past (1947/1h 37m/Film-NoiJacques Tourneur)
(8:00PM) She Done Him Wrong (1933/1h 6m/Comedy/Lowell Sherman)
(9:30PM) The Gang's All Here (1943/1h 43m/Musical/Busby Berkeley)
(11:30PM) The Importance Of Being Earnest (1952/1h 35m/Comedy/Anthony Asquith)
SAT JUN 03
(1:15AM) Pillow Talk (1959/1h 45m/Comedy/Michael Gordon)
(3:15AM) Auntie Mame (1958/2h 23m/Comedy//Morton DaCosta)
(5:45AM) The Women (1939/2h 12m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(8:00AM) MGM CARTOONS: The Homeless Flea (1940/0h 7m/Animation/Rudolf Ising)
(8:09AM) One Against the World (1939/0h 10m/Short/Fred Zinnemann)
(8:21AM) Zeeland "The Hidden Paradise" (1935/0h 6m/Short/Ruth Fitzpatrick)
(8:29AM) The Big Noise (1936/57m/Drama/Frank Mcdonald)
(9:30AM) The BATMAN: The Executioner Strikes (1943/0h 15m/Serial/Lambert Hillyer)
(10:00AM) POPEYE: Hill-Billing and Cooing (1956/0h 6m/Animation/Seymour Kneitel)
(10:08AM) Calling Philo Vance (1939/1h 2m/Suspense/William Clemens)
(11:30AM) Main Street Today (1944/0h 19m/Short/Edward L. Cahn)
(12:00PM) ABBA: The Movie (1977/1h 34m/Documentary/?)
(1:45PM) Hoosiers (1986/1h 55m/Drama/David Anspaugh)
(4:00PM) Angels in the Outfield (1951/1h 42m/Drama/Clarence Brown)
(6:00PM) Strangers on a Train (1951/1h 36m/Suspense/Alfred Hitchcock)
(8:00PM) The Black Shield of Falworth (1954/1h 39m/Adventure/)
(10:00PM) The Great Impostor (1960/1h 52m/Adaptation/Robert Mulligan)
SUN JUN 04
(12:00AM) Between Midnight and Dawn (1950/1h 29m/Film-NoiGordon Douglas)
(2:00AM) Swing Shift (1984/1h 40m/Romance/Jonathan Demme)
(4:00AM) Protocol (1984/1h 36m/Comedy/Herbert Ross)
(6:00AM) Saturday Night and Sunday Morning (1960/1h 30m/Drama/Karel Reisz)
(7:45AM) The Loved One (1965/1h 56m/Comedy/Tony Richardson)
(10:00AM) Between Midnight and Dawn (1950/1h 29m/Film-NoiGordon Douglas)
(12:00PM) Born Yesterday (1950/1h 43m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(2:00PM) The Mating Game (1959/1h 37m/Comedy/George Marshall)
(3:45PM) Sex and the Single Girl (1964/1h 54m/Comedy/Richard Quine)
(5:45PM) A Chorus Line (1985/1h 53m/Musical/Richard Attenborough)
(8:00PM) Blazing Saddles (1974/1h 33m/Western/Mel Brooks)
(10:00PM) Along Came Jones (1945/1h 30m/Western/Stuart Heisler)
MON JUN 05
(12:00AM) The Blackbird (1926/1h 26m/Tod Browning)
(2:00AM) Before the Rain (1994/1h 55m/WaMilcho Manchevski)
(4:00AM) Three Colors: White (1994/1h 30m/Drama/Krzysztof Kieslowski)
(6:00AM) June Bride (1948/1h 37m/Romance/Bretaigne Windust)
(8:00AM) Royal Wedding (1951/1h 33m/Musical/Stanley Donen)
(10:00AM) Father of the Bride (1950/1h 33m/Comedy/Vincente Minnelli)
(12:00PM) Double Wedding (1937/1h 27m/Comedy/Richard Thorpe)
(2:00PM) The Bride Came C.O.D. (1941/1h 32m/Comedy/William Keighley)
(4:00PM) Father of the Bride (1991/1h 45m/Comedy/Charles Shyer)
(6:00PM) High Society (1956/1h 47m/Musical/Charles Walters)
(8:00PM) High Sierra (1941/1h 40m/Crime/Raoul Walsh)
(10:00PM) Colorado Territory (1949/1h 34m/Western/Raoul Walsh)
TUE JUN 06
(12:00AM) The Women (1939/2h 12m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(2:15AM) The Opposite Sex (1956/1h 57m/Musical/David Miller)
(4:15AM) The Bride Goes Wild (1948/1h 38m/Comedy/Norman Taurog)
(6:00AM) The Private Life of Don Juan (1934/1h 26m/Alexander Korda)
(7:30AM) The Life Of Jimmy Dolan (1933/1h 10m/Archie Mayo)
(9:00AM) The Mad Miss Manton (1938)1h 5m/Mystery/Leigh Jason)
(10:30AM) In the Cool of the Day (1963/1h 29m/Robert Stevens)
(12:00PM) The Bad and the Beautiful (1952/1h 58m/Drama/Vincente Minnelli)
(2:00PM) Coma (1978/1h 53m/HorroMichael Crichton)
(4:00PM) The Clock (1945/1h 30m/Romance/Vincente Minnelli)
(5:45PM) Cabaret (1972/2h 4m/Musical/Bob Fosse)
(8:00PM) Singin' in the Rain (1952/1h 43m/Musical/Gene Kelly)
(10:00PM) A Star Is Born (1954/2h 56m/Musical/George Cukor)
WED JUN 07
(1:15AM) A Star Is Born (1937/1h 51m/Romance/William A. Wellman)
(3:15AM) What Price Hollywood? (1932/1h 28m/Drama/George Cukor)
(5:00AM) Show People (1928/1h 23m/Silent/King Vidor)
(6:30AM) Souls for Sale (1923/1h 30m/Rupert Hughes)
(8:15AM) Hell Below (1933/1h 45m/WaJack Conway)
(10:00AM) The Navy Comes Through (1942/1h 22m/WaA. Edward Sutherland)
(11:30AM) Sealed Cargo (1951/1h 29m/Adventure/Alfred Werker)
(1:00PM) Torpedo Run (1958/1h 38m/Joseph Pevney)
(2:45PM) Submarine D-1 (1937/1h 40m/Drama/Lloyd Bacon)
(4:30PM) Battle of the Coral Sea (1959/1h 20m/WaPaul Wendkos)
(6:00PM) Around the World Under the Sea (1965/1h 57m/HorroAndrew Marton)
(8:00PM) Film: The Living Record of Our Memory (2021/2h 0m/Documentary/Inés Toharia Terán)
(10:15PM) The Invention of Cinema: The First Colors of… (2022/Documentary)
(11:30PM) The Invention of Cinema: Cinema Finds its Voice (2022/Documentary)
THU JUN 08
(12:45AM) Going Attractions: The Definitive Story of the Movie Palace (2019/1h 24m/Documentary/April Wright)
(2:30AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 01) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(3:45AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 02) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(5:00AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 03) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(6:15AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 04) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(7:30AM) Image Makers: The Adventures of America's Pioneer Cinematographers (2019/1h 31m/Documentary/Daniel Raim)
(9:30AM) This is Francis X. Bushman (2021/1h 0m/Documentary/Lon Davis)
(10:45AM) The Doughgirls (1944/1h 42m/Comedy/James V. Kern)
(12:30PM) Split Second (1953/1h 25m/Suspense/Dick Powell)
(2:00PM) The Young Philadelphians (1959/2h 16m/Drama/Vincent Sherman)
(4:30PM) The Horn Blows at Midnight (1945/1h 20m/Comedy/Raoul Walsh)
(6:00PM) The Constant Nymph (1943/1h 52m/Romance/Edmund Goulding)
(10:30PM) Suddenly, Last Summer (1960/1h 54m/Drama/Joseph L. Mankiewicz)
FRI JUN 09
(12:45AM) The Philadelphia Story (1940/1h 51m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(3:00AM) Woman of the Year (1942/1h 52m/Comedy//George Stevens)
(5:00AM) Alice Adams (1935/1h 40m/Comedy/George Stevens)
(7:00AM) Enchanted Island (1958/1h 33m/Drama/Allan Dwan)
(8:45AM) The Great Heart (1938/0h 10m/Short/David Miller)
(9:00AM) Palm Springs Weekend (1963/1h 40m/Comedy/Norman Taurog)
(10:45AM) Having a Wild Weekend (1965/1h 31m/Musical/John Boorman)
(12:30PM) Don't Make Waves (1967/1h 37m/Comedy/Alexander Mackendrick)
(2:15PM) Lord of the Flies (1963/1h 30m/Drama/Peter Brook)
(4:00PM) Kona Coast (1968/1h 32m/Suspense/Lamont Johnson)
(5:45PM) The Last Of Sheila (1973/2h 0h/Suspense/Herbert Ross)
(8:00PM) Written on the Wind (1957/1h 32m/Drama/Douglas Sirk)
(9:45PM) Valley of the Dolls (1967/2h 2m/Drama/Mark Robson)
SAT JUN 10
(12:00AM) Love Has Many Faces (1965/1h 45m/Romance/Alexander Singer)
(2:00AM) Queen Bee (1955/1h 35m/Drama/Ranald Macdougall)
(3:45AM) The Bad Seed (1956/2h 9m/Suspense/Mervyn Leroy)
(6:00AM) Two Weeks in Another Town (1962/1h 47m/Drama/Vincente Minnelli)
(8:00AM) MGM CARTOONS: Innertube Antics (1944/0h 7m/Animation/George Gordon)
(8:09AM) New Roadways (1939/0h 9m/Short/Basil Wrangell)
(8:20AM) St. Helena and its "Man of Destiny" (1936/0h 7m/Short/?)
(8:29AM) The Adventures of Jane Arden (1939/0h 58m/Crime/Terry Morse)
(9:30AM) THE BATMAN: The Doom of the Rising Sun) 1943/0h 20m/Serial/Lambert Hillyer)
(10:00AM) POPEYE: Popeye for President (1956/0h 6m/Animation/Seymour Kneitel)
(10:08AM) The Dragon Murder Case (1934/1h 8m/Mystery/H. Bruce Humberstone)
(11:30AM) Know Your Money (1940/0h 21m/Short/Joe Newman)
(12:00PM) The Merry Widow (1934/1h 39m/Musical/Ernst Lubitsch)
(1:45PM) Adam's Rib (1949/1h 41m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(3:45PM) Kings Row (1942/2h 7m/Drama/Sam Wood)
(6:00PM) The Cincinnati Kid (1965/1h 53m/Drama/Norman Jewison)
(8:00PM) Gilda Live (1980/1h 30m/Comedy/Mike Nichols)
(9:45PM) Valerie (2019/0h 36m/Documentary/Stacey Souther)
(10:30PM) Lenny (1974/1h 51m/Adaptation/Bob Fosse)
SUN JUN 11
(12:30AM) The Verdict (1946/1h 26m/Film-NoiDon Siegel)
(2:30AM) A Hard Day's Night (1964/1h 32m/Musical//Richard Lester)
(4:15AM) Viva Las Vegas (1964/1h 26m/Musical/George Sidney)
(6:00AM) The Cool Ones (1967/1h 38m/Musical/Gene Nelson)
(8:00AM) I Love You, Alice B. Toklas! (1968/1h 34m/Comedy/Hy Averback)
(10:00AM) The Verdict (1946/1h 26m/Film-NoiDon Siegel)
(11:45AM) Wait Until Dark (1967/1h 48m/Suspense/Terence Young)
(1:45PM) The Catered Affair (1956/1h 33m/Drama/Richard Brooks)
(3:30PM) The Damned Don't Cry (1950/1h 43m/Crime/Vincent Sherman)
(5:30PM) Flower Drum Song (1961/2h 13m/Musical/Henry Koster)
(8:00PM) The Three Musketeers (1973/1h 45m/Adventure/Richard Lester)
(10:00PM) One Million Years B. C. (1966/1h 31m/Fantasy/Don Chaffey)
MON JUN 12
(12:15AM) The Cameraman (1928/1h 18m/Silent/Edward Sedgwick)
(12:15AM The Navigator (1924/1h 20m/Silent/Donald Crisp)
(2:45AM) The Bad Sleep Well (1960/2h 15m/Suspense/Akira Kurosawa)
(5:15AM) Ikiru (1952/2h 23m/Drama/Akira Kurosawa)
(7:45AM) The Marshal of Mesa City (1939/1h 2m/Western/David Howard)
(9:00AM) Party Girl (1958/1h 39m/Crime/Nicholas Ray)
(10:45AM) The Big Shot (1942/1h 22m/Crime/Lewis Seiler)
(12:15PM) The Racket (1951/1h 28m/Crime/John Cromwell
(1:45PM) Jack Pot (1940/0h 19m/Short/Roy Rowland)
(2:15PM) Wichita (1955/1h 21m/Western/Jacques Tourneur)
(3:45PM) Buyer Beware (1940/0h 21m/Crime/Joseph Newman)
(4:15PM) A Lion Is in the Streets (1953/1h 28m/Drama/Raoul Walsh)
(6:00PM) McQ (1974/1h 56m/Crime/John Sturges)
(8:00PM) Born Yesterday (1950/1h 43m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(10:00PM) The Solid Gold Cadillac (1956/1h 39m/Comedy/Richard Quine)
TUE JUN 13
(12:00AM) Phffft (1954/1h 31m/Comedy/Mark Robson)
(1:45AM) Full of Life (1957/1h 31m/Comedy/Richard Quine)
(3:30AM) Bells Are Ringing (1960/2h 7m/Musical/Vincente Minnelli)
(6:00AM) The Bishop Murder Case (1930/1h 28m/Mystery/David Burton)
(7:30AM) The Lady of Scandal (1930/1h 16m/Romance/Sidney Franklin)
(9:00AM) Sin Takes a Holiday (1930/1h 21m/Comedy/Paul Stein)
(10:30AM) The Last Days of Pompeii (1935/1h 36m/Drama/Ernest B. Schoedsack)
(12:15PM) A Tale of Two Cities (1935/2h 0h/Drama/Jack Conway)
(2:30PM) Romeo and Juliet (1937/2h 7m/Romance/George Cukor)
(4:45PM) The Dawn Patrol (1938/1h 43m/WaEdmund Goulding)
(6:45PM) The Woman in Green (1945/1h 8m/Mystery/Roy William Neill)
(8:00PM) Sunset Blvd. (1950/1h 51m/Drama/Billy Wilder)
10:00PM) In a Lonely Place (1950/1h 31m/Drama/Nicholas Ray)
WED JUN 14
(12:00AM) The Player (1992/2h 3m/Comedy/Robert Altman)
(2:15AM) Crashing Hollywood (1938/1h 1m/Comedy/Lew Landers)
(3:30AM) Boy Meets Girl (1938/1h 20m/Comedy/Lloyd Bacon)
(5:15AM) Best Friends (1982/1h 56m/Comedy/Norman Jewison)
(7:15AM) Pat and Mike (1952/1h 35m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(9:00AM) How I Play Golf, by Bobby Jones No. 8: 'The Brassie' (1931/0h 10m/Short/George Marshall)
(9:15AM) The Great American Pastime (1956/1h 29m/Comedy/Herman Hoffman)
(11:00AM) Somebody Up There Likes Me (1956/1h 53m/Drama/Robert Wise)
(1:00PM) The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (1979/1h 44m/Comedy/Gilbert Moses)
(3:00PM) Greased Lightning (1977/1h 36m/Biography/Michael Schultz)
(4:45PM) Grand Prix (1966/2h 59m/Adventure/John Frankenheimer)
(8:00PM) Carl Laemmle (2019/1h 31m/Documentary/James L. Freedman)
(9:45PM) Oscar Micheaux: The Superhero of Black Filmmaking (2021/h 20m/Documentary/Francesco Zippel)
(11:15PM) Burden of Dreams (1982/1h 34m/Documentary/Les Blank)
THU JUN 15
(1:00AM) A Fuller Life (2013/1h 20m/Documentary/Samantha Fuller)
(2:30AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 05) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(3:45AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 06) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(5:00AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 07) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(6:15AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 08) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(7:30AM) The True Adventures of Raoul Walsh (2014/1h 35m/Documentary/Marilyn Ann Moss)
(9:15AM) Escape From East Berlin (1962/1h 34m/Drama/Robert Siodmak)
(11:00AM) The League of Gentlemen (1960/1h 56m/Crime/Basil Dearden)
(1:00PM) Double Trouble (1967/1h 30m/Musical/Norman Taurog)
(2:45PM) Light in the Piazza (1962/1h 41m/Romance/Guy Green)
(4:30PM) Murder She Said (1961/1h 26m/Mystery/George Pollock)
(6:00PM) Made in Paris (1966/1h 43m/Comedy/Boris Sagal)
(8:00PM) Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (1967/1h 48m/Comedy/Stanley Kramer)
(10:00PM) The Lion in Winter (1968/2h 14m/Drama/Anthony Harvey)
FRI JUN 16
(12:30AM) On Golden Pond (1981/1h 49m/Drama/Mark Rydell)
(2:30AM) Morning Glory (1933/1h 14m/Drama/Lowell Sherman)
(4:00AM) Lovely To Look At (1952/1h 45m/Musical/Mervyn Le Roy)
(6:00AM) Possessed (1931/1h 12m/Romance//Clarence Brown)
(7:30AM) Anna Karenina (1935/1h 35m/Romance/Clarence Brown)
(9:30AM) Wife Vs. Secretary (1936/1h 28m/Romance/Clarence Brown)
(11:0AM) Of Human Hearts (1938/1h 40m/Drama/Clarence Brown)
(1:00PM) Song of Love (1947/1h 59m/Western/Clarence Brown)
(3:15PM) Intruder in the Dust (1949/1h 29m/Drama/Clarence Brown)
(4:45PM) To Please a Lady (1950/1h 31m/Romance/Clarence Brown)
(6:30PM) When in Rome (1952/1h 18m/Drama/DirectoClarence Brown)
(8:00PM) Beach Blanket Bingo (1965/1h 38m/Musical/William Asher)
(9:45PM) Barbarella (1968/1h 38m/Sci-Fi/Roger Vadim)
(11:30PM) Earth Girls Are Easy (1988/1h 40m/Comedy/Julien Temple)
SAT JUN 17
(1:15AM) The Apple (1980/1h 32m/Musical/Menahem Golan)
(2:45AM) Queen of Outer Space (1958/1h 20m/Sci-Fi/Edward Bernds)
(4:15AM) Hercules, Samson & Ulysses (1963/1h 25m/Adventure/Pietro Francisci)
(5:45AM) Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959/1h 19m/HorroEdward D. Wood, Jr.)
(7:15AM) MGM Parade Show #5 (1955/0h 25m/Documentary/?)
(8:00AM) MGM CARTOONS: Early Bird and the Worm (1936/0h 9m/Short/Rudolf Ising)
(8:11AM) Microscopic Mysteries (1932/0h 9m/Documentary/Hugo Lund)
(8:21AM) Zion Canyon of Colour (1934/0h 7m/Short/?)
(8:30AM) Central Park (1932/0h 58m/Comedy/John G. Adolfi)
(9:30AM) BATMAN AND ROBIN: Batman Takes Over (1949/0h 27m/Serial/Spencer Gordon Bennet)
(10:00AM) POPEYE: Out to Punch (1956/0h 6m/Animation/?)
(10:08AM) The Garden Murder Case (1936/1h 2m/Mystery/Edwin L. Marin)
(11:30AM) Trial by Trigger (1944/0h 21m/Short/William McGann)
(12:00PM) Reveille with Beverly (1943/1h 18m/Musical/Charles Barton)
(1:30PM) How the West Was Won (1962/2h 35m/Western/John Ford)
(4:30PM) Kansas City Confidential (1952/1h 38m/Crime/Phil Karlson)
(6:15PM) Badlands (1973/1h 35m/Crime/Terrence Malick)
(8:00PM) Time After Time (1979/1h 52m/HorroNicholas Meyer)
(10:00PM) Repeat Performance (1947/1h 33m/Drama/Alfred Werker)
SUN JUN 18
(12:00AM) Flaxy Martin (1949/1h 26m/Film-NoiRichard Bare)
(2:00AM) The Great Santini (1979/1h 55m/Drama/Lewis John Carlino)
(4:00AM) I Never Sang for My Father (1970/1h 30m/Drama/Gilbert Cates)
(6:00AM) The Impossible Years (1968/1h 38m/Comedy/Michael Gordon)
(8:00AM) Our Vines Have Tender Grapes (1945/1h 45m/Drama/Roy Rowland)
(10:00AM) Flaxy Martin (1949/1h 26m/Film-NoiRichard Bare)
(11:45AM) Fiddler on the Roof (1971/3h 0m/Musical/Norman Jewison)
(3:00PM) To Kill a Mockingbird (1962/2h 11m/Drama/Robert Mulligan)
(5:30PM) The Courtship of Eddie's Father (1963/1h 57m/Comedy/Vincente Minnelli)
(7:45PM) So You're Going to Be a Father (1947/0h 10m/Short/Richard Bare)
(8:00PM) Life with Father (1947/1h 58m/Comedy/Michael Curtiz)
(10:15PM) Father of the Bride (1950/1h 33m/Comedy/Vincente Minnelli)
MON JUN 19
(12:00AM) The Divine Lady (1929/1h 50m/Romance/Frank Lloyd)
(2:00AM) Bay of the Angels (1964/1h 25m/Drama/Jacques Demy)
(3:45AM) Donkey Skin (1970/1h 30m/Drama/Jacques Demy)
(5:30AM) MGM Parade Show #5 (1955/25m/Documentary/?)
(6:00AM) Man Wanted (1932/William Dieterle)
(7:15AM) Millie (1931/1h 25m/Drama/John Francis Dillon)
(8:45AM) The Big Hangover (1950/1h 22m/Comedy/Norman Krasna)
(10:15AM) The Angel Wore Red (1960/1h 39m/Romance/Nunnally Johnson)
(12:00PM) Rancho Notorious (1952/1h 29m/Western/Fritz Lang)
(1:45PM) They Live by Night (1948/1h 35m/Crime/Nicholas Ray)
(3:30PM) Pitfall (1948/1h 24m/Film-NoiAndre De Toth)
(5:00PM) Indiscretion of an American Wife (1954/1h 3m/Romance/Vittorio De Sica)
(6:15PM) Tab Hunter Confidential (2015/1h 30m/Biography/Jeffrey Schwarz)
(8:00PM) Do the Right Thing (1989/2h 0m/Drama/Spike Lee)
(10:15PM) Alma's Rainbow (1994/1h 25m/Drama /Ayoka Chenzira)
TUE JUN 20
(12:00AM) Just Another Girl On The I.R.T. (1993/1h 36m/Drama/Leslie Harris)
(2:00AM) Blackboard Jungle (1955/1h 41m/Drama/Richard Brooks)
(4:00AM) Edge of the City (1957/1h 25m/Drama/Martin Ritt)
(6:00AM) The Lady Refuses (1931/1h 12m/Drama/George Archainbaud)
(7:15AM) A Notorious Affair (1930/1h 9m/Drama/Lloyd Bacon)
(8:30AM) Bullets for O'Hara (1941/0h 50m/Crime/William K. Howard)
(9:30AM) No Marriage Ties (1933/1h 5m/Drama/J. Walter Ruben)
(10:45AM) Play Girl (1932/1h 0m/Romance/Ray Enright)
(12:00PM) War Nurse (1930/1h 20m/WaEdgar Selwyn)
(1:30PM) Wings for the Eagle (1942/1h 23m/WaLloyd Bacon)
(3:00PM) The White Sister (1933/1h 41m/Drama/Victor Fleming)
(5:00PM) Their Own Desire (1929/1h 5m/Drama/E. Mason Hopper)
(6:15PM) Smilin' Through (1932/1h 37m/Romance/Sidney Franklin)
(8:00PM) Sullivan's Travels (1942/1h 31m/Comedy/Preston Sturges)
(9:45PM) Bombshell (1933/1h 31m/Comedy/Victor Fleming)
(11:30PM) Hearts of the West (1975/1h 43m/Western/Howard Zieff)
WED JUN 21
(1:30AM) Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941/1h 11m/Comedy/Edward Cline)
(3:00AM) It's a Great Feeling (1949/1h 25m/Comedy/David Butler)
(4:30AM) Hollywood Party (1934/1h 3m/Musical/Allan Dwan)
(6:00AM) The Runaway Bus (1954/1h 18m/Comedy/Val Guest)
(7:15AM) Journey for Margaret (1942/1h 21m/Drama/Major W. S. Van Dyke II)
(8:45AM) The Time Machine (1960/1h 43m/Sci-Fi/George Pal)
(10:30AM) Looking at London (1946/0h 10m/Short/?)
(10:45AM) Berkeley Square (1933/1h 24m/Romance/Frank Lloyd)
(12:15PM) High Hopes (1988/1h 52m/Comedy/Mike Leigh)
(2:15PM) A Hard Day's Night (1964/1h 32m/Musical/Richard Lester)
(4:00PM) Royal Wedding (1951/1h 33m/Musical/Stanley Donen)
(5:45PM) The V.I.P.s (1963/1h 59m/Drama/Anthony Asquith)
(8:00PM) Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession (2004/2h 2m/Documentary/Xan Cassavetes)
(10:15PM) What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael (2018/Documentary/Rob Garver)
THU JUN 22
(12:00AM) The Celluloid Closet (1995/1h 42m/Documentary/Robert Epstein)
(2:00AM) Paul Robeson: Tribute to an Artist (1979/Biography/Documentary/Saul J. Turell)
(2:30AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 09) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(3:45AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 10) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(5:00AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Episode 11) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(6:15AM) Yellowface: Asian Whitewashing and Racism in Hollywood (2019/Documentary/Clara Kuperberg and Julia Kuperberg)
(7:15AM) Soundies: A Musical History (2007/1h 16m/Documentary/0h 54m/Chris Lamson)
(8:45AM) Soldiers Three (1951/1h 27m/Adventure/Tay Garnett)
(10:30AM) The Wild North (1952/1h 37m/Western/Andrew Marton)
(12:15PM) Bhowani Junction (1956/1h 50m/Drama/George Cukor)
(2:15PM) Green Fire (1955/1h 40m/Adventure/Andrew Marton)
(4:00PM) The Prisoner of Zenda (1952/1h 41m/Adventure/Richard Thorpe)
(6:00PM) King Solomon's Mines (1950/1h 42m/Adventure/Compton Bennett)
(8:00PM) Holiday (1938/1h 33m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(10:00PM) Little Women (1933/1h 55m/Drama/George Cukor)
FRI JUN 23
(12:15AM) A Woman Rebels (1936/1h 28m/Drama/Mark Sandrich)
(2:00AM) Undercurrent (1946/1h 56m/Suspense/Vincente Minnelli)
(4:15AM) Stage Door (1937/1h 23m/Drama/Gregory LaCava)
(6:00AM) A King in New York (1957/1h 45m/Comedy/Charles Chaplin)
(8:00AM) Girlfriends (1978/1h 26m/Comedy/Claudia Weill)
(9:30AM) The Naked City (1948/1h 36m/Crime/Jules Dassin)
(11:15AM) Up the Sandbox (1972/1h 37/Drama/Irvin Kershner)
(1:00PM) The House on 56th Street (1933/1h 8m/Drama/Robert Florey)
(2:15PM) This Is the Bowery (1941/0h 10m/Short/Gunther Von Fritsch)
(2:3PM) The Prisoner Of Second Avenue (1974/1h 45m/Comedy/Melvin Frank)
(4:15PM) Soylent Green (1973/1h 27m/Sci-Fi/Richard O. Fleischer)
(6:00PM) Daybreak Express (1953/0h 5m/Short/D.A. Pennebaker)
(6:15PM) Crossing Delancey (1988/1h 37m/Romance/Joan Micklin Silver)
(8:00PM) Grey Gardens (1976/1h 34m/Documentary/Ellen Hovde)
(9:45PM) What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962/2h 12m/HorroRobert Aldrich)
SAT JUN 24
12:15AM) X Y & Zee (1972/1h 50m/Drama/Brian G. Hutton)
(2:15AM) The Big Cube (1969/1h 38m/Drama/Tito Davison)
(4:00AM) The Legend of Lylah Clare (1968/2h 10m/Drama/Robert Aldrich)
(6:15AM) Vacation from Marriage (1945/1h 32m/Drama/Alexander Korda)
(8:00AM) MGM CARTOONS: Dumb-Hounded (1943/0h 8m/Animation/Fred “Tex” Avery)
(8:10AM) Pacific Paradise (1937/0h 10m/Short/George Sidney)
(8:21AM) Calling on Colombia (1940/0h 8m/Documentary/James A. Fitzpatrick)
(8:30AM) Once a Doctor (1937/0h 57m/Drama/William Clemens)
(9:30AM) BATMAN AND ROBIN: Tunnel of Terror (1949/0h 17m/Serial/Spencer Bennett)
(10:00AM) POPEYE: Insect to Injury (1956/0h 6m/Animation/Dave Tendlar)
(10:08AM) Murder in the Private Car (1934/1h 3m/Mystery/Harry Beaumont)
(11:30AM) The Flame Song (1934/0h 21m/Short/Joseph Henabery)
(12:00PM) A Star Is Born (1954/2h 56m/Musical/George Cukor)
(3:15PM) East of Eden (1955/1h 55m/Drama/Elia Kazan)
(5:30PM) Mister Roberts (1955/2h 3m/Comedy/John Ford)
(8:00PM) On the Waterfront (1954/1h 48m/Drama/Elia Kazan)
(10:00PM) Vertigo (1958/2h 8m/Suspense/Alfred Hitchcock)
SUN JUN 25
(12:15AM) Storm Warning (1951/1h 33m/Film-NoiStuart Heisler)
(2:15AM) A Cry in the Dark (1988/2h 1m/Drama/Fred Schepisi)
(4:30AM) My Brilliant Career (1979/1h 38m/Drama/Gillian Armstrong)
(6:15AM) Athena (1954/1h 36m/Musical/Richard Thorpe)
(8:00AM) Calamity Jane (1953/1h 41m/Musical/David Butler)
(10:00AM) Storm Warning (1951/1h 33m/Film-NoiStuart Heisler)
(12:00PM) Imitation of Life (1959/2h 5m/Romance/Douglas Sirk)
(2:15PM) Pride and Prejudice (1940/1h 57m/Romance/Robert Z. Leonard)
(4:30PM) The Reluctant Debutante (1958/1h 36m/Musical/Vincente Minnelli)
(6:15PM) The Palm Beach Story (1942/1h 30m/Comedy/Preston Sturges)
TBD
MON JUN 26
(12:00AM) Don Juan (1926/1h 51m/Silent/Alan Crosland)
(2:00AM) Un Partie de Campagne (1936/0h 45m/Drama/Jean Renoir)
(3:00AM) Il bidone (1955/1h 32m/Comedy/Federico Fellini)
(5:00AM) Report from the Aleutians (1943/0h 45m/Documentary/Capt. John Huston)
(6:00AM) Many Rivers to Cross (1955/1h 32m/Western/Roy Rowland)
(7:45AM) Escape from Fort Bravo (1953/1h 38m/Western/John Sturges)
(9:30AM) The Very Thought of You (1944/1h 39m/Romance/Delmer Daves)
(11:15AM) One for the Book (1948/1h 43m/Comedy/Irving Rapper)
(1:00PM) Of Human Bondage (1946/1h 45m/Drama/Edmund Goulding)
(3:00PM) Lizzie (1957/1h 21m/Drama/Hugo Haas)
(4:30PM) Valley of the Kings (1954/1h 26m/Adventure/Robert Pirosh)
(6:00PM) Scaramouche (1952/1h 55m/Adventure/George Sidney)
(8:00PM) The Celluloid Closet (1995/1h 42m/DocumentaryRobert Epstein)
(10:00PM) Rope (1948/1h 20m/Suspense/Alfred Hitchcock)
(11:30PM) The Children's Hour (1961/1h 47m/Drama/William Wyler)
TUE JUN 27
(1:30AM) Queen Christina (1933/1h 37m/Romance/Rouben Mamoulian)
(3:30AM) Victim (1961/1h 40m/Drama/Basil Dearden)
(5:30AM) Tea and Sympathy (1956/2h 2m/Drama/Vincente Minnelli)
(7:45AM) The Case of the Howling Dog (1934/1h 14m/Suspense/Mystery/Alan Crosland)
(9:15AM) Murder on a Bridle Path (1936/1h 6m/Mystery/Edward Killy)
(10:30AM) The Saint Meets the Tiger (1943/1h 10m/Suspense/Paul Stein)
(12:00PM) The Kennel Murder Case (1933/1h 13m/Mystery/Michael Curtiz)
(1:30PM) Haunted Honeymoon (1940/1h 23m/Comedy/Arthur B. Woods)
(3:00PM) Eyes in the Night (1942/1h 20m/Mystery/Fred Zinnemann)
(4:30PM) Murder at the Gallop (1963/1h 21m/Mystery/George Pollock)
(6:00PM) Shadow of the Thin Man (1941/1h 37m/Mystery/Major W. S. Van Dyke II)
(8:00PM) The Bad and the Beautiful (1952/1h 58m/Drama/Vincente Minnelli)
(10:15PM) Two Weeks in Another Town (1962/1h 47m/Drama/Vincente Minnelli)
WED JUN 28j
(12:15AM) The Barefoot Contessa (1954/2h 8m/Drama/Joseph L. Mankiewicz)
(2:45AM) Inside Daisy Clover (1965/2h 8m/Drama/Robert Mulligan)
(5:00AM) The Oscar (1966/1h 59m/Drama/Russell Rouse)
(7:15AM) Mandalay (1934/1h 5m/Suspense/Michael Curtiz)
(8:30AM) The Unsuspected (1947/1h 43m/Suspense/Michael Curtiz)
(10:15AM) The Unholy Wife (1957/1h 34m/Crime/John Farrow)
(12:00PM) Back in Circulation (1937/1h 22m/Drama/Ray Enright)
(1:30PM) The Man with a Cloak (1951/1h 21m/Suspense/Fletcher Markle)
(3:00PM) D.O.A. (1950/1h 23m/Film-NoiRudolph Maté)
(4:30PM) Shadow on the Wall (1950/1h 24m/Suspense/Patrick Jackson)
(6:15PM) The Nanny (1965/1h 33m/HorroSeth Holt)
(8:00PM) Harold and Lillian: A Hollywood Love Story (2015/1h 34m/Documentary/Daniel Raim)
(9:45PM) By Design: The Joe Caroff Story (2022/0h 52m/Documentary/Mark Cerulli)
(10:45PM) Floyd Norman: An Animated Life (2016/1h 34m/Documentary/Michael Fiore)
TBD
THU JUNE 29
(2:00AM) High Noon on the Waterfront (2022/0h 14m/Documentary/David Roberts)
(2:30AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Ep. 12) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(3:45AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Ep.13) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins)
(5:00AM) Women Make Film: A New Road Movie Through Cinema (Ep. 14) (2019/Documentary/Mark Cousins
(6:15AM) Max Steiner: Maestro of Movie Music (2021/2h 0m/Documentary/Diana Friedberg)
(8:30AM) Dean Martin: King of Cool (2020/1h 47m/Documentary/Tom Donahue)
(10:30AM) Tarzan, the Ape Man (1932/1h 39m/Adventure/W. S. Van Dyke)
(12:15PM) Tarzan the Fearless (1933/1h 25m/Adventure/Robert F. Hill)
(1:45PM) The Valley of Decision (1945/1h 51m/Romance/Tay Garnett)
(3:45PM) Mrs. Parkington (1944/2h 4m/Romance/Tay Garnett)
(6:00PM) The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946/1h 51m/Crime/Tay Garnett)
(8:00PM) Desk Set (1957/1h 43m/Comedy/Walter Lang)
(10:00PM) Without Love (1945/1h 51m/Comedy/Harold S. Bucquet)
FRI JUN 30
(12:00AM) Pat and Mike (1952/1h 35m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(1:45AM) Adam's Rib (1949/1h 41m/Comedy/George Cukor)
(3:45AM) Keeper of the Flame (1943/1h 40m/Drama/George Cukor)
(5:30AM) Week-End for Three (1941/1h 5m/Comedy/Irving Reis)
(6:45AM) MGM Parade Show #5 (1955/0h 25m/Documentary/?)
(7:30AM) Pagan Love Song (1950/1h 16m/Musical/Robert Alton)
(9:00AM) On an Island with You (1948/1h 47m/Musical/Richard Thorpe)
(11:00AM) Girl Happy (1965/1h 36m/Musical/Boris Sagal)
(12:45PM) You're Only Young Once (1938/1h 18m/Comedy/George B. Seitz)
(2:15PM) Catalina Caper (1967/1h 7m/Comedy/Lee Sholem)
(3:30PM) Where the Boys Are (1960/1h 39m/Comedy/Henry Levin)
(5:30PM) Sunkist Stars at Palm Springs (1936/0h 19m/Short/Roy Rowland)
(6:00PM) Palm Springs Weekend (1963/1h 40m/Comedy/Norman Taurog)
(8:00PM) VictoVictoria (1982/2h 14m/Musical/Blake Edwards)
(10:30PM) La Cage Aux Folles (1979/1h 37m/Comedy//Edouard Molinaro)

Previous/
The wagons or tanks rolled through the gate in a caravan that was more akin to a carnival than a group of tradesmen; all the wizards with their pointed hats were shaped magnificently against the browns and grays, some wore white porcelain dramedy masks beneath headwear as dark as pipe resin, men and women and those between—as that was common from where they hailed. Their company was perhaps forty and their mules and mares were thirsty and were led to troughs to idle while the wizards removed goods from their wagons or tanks and although it was not a spectacle for them to arrive within Golgotha’s walls, it was something still and the citizens gathered to greet whatever wizards they might know but mostly perhaps to whisper rumors on them. The wizards seemed a taller folk, but that was because of the hats, and they seemed wider too, but that was for the robes they adorned with costume jewelry, trinkets, or fingernail-sized lanterns which contained magical properties hung off their clothes as ornaments (some metal and other crudely wooden). I never knew a people that could trek the wastes in that time as well as me till I knew them.
Boss Maron was there at the gates with his wall men, hollering—shouting really, “The Whores of Babylon have come again!” And the bells signaled from atop the highest tower over the hall of Bosses and I met the front square with a morning headache and a cigarette. The Boss sheriff was clothed, cowboy hat pulled tightly to his ears, and he waltzed through the square, inspecting the new arrivals with his crotch out in front of him as he moved in a swagger like a cup of shifted water. Morning sunlight crested the wall to reflect on the pistol in his holster as it did on the star pin of his hat.
Among them, there was only one wizard I cared to see. Their name was Suzanne.
The hanged bodies of the men remained on the wall, dead and stiff and shifting to the little wind there was.
The square had filled with carts (some drawn by animals and others pushed on oil), and even if it were not for the bells which signaled their arrival, I’d have surely known their presence for the clatter of their metal engines.
“Well goddamn!” said Maron while examining a wizard, “What’s that you’ve got on your legs?”
The wizard, a young woman in plain pants wore a set of leg braces and whenever she moved, she did so in shifting her hips around. “Braces,” she said.
“What’s it for? Or is it some of your all’s secret whodo?”
“I’ve got bad legs. The braces help.” She said plainly, attempting to angle herself straight like a stick against one of the traveling party’s wagons.
“Bad legs?” Boss Maron’s expression was incredulous. “Who has bad legs? What sort of nonsense is it? If a lady like you’s made it this far in life with bad legs, then someone’s done you a disservice.”
She looked on questioningly while the other wizards continued with their unpacking or their conversating—whether it be amongst themselves or with the freckle-spaced citizens in the square.
“How are you to outrun trouble when you’ve got them?” He nodded at the young woman’s legs.
“I don’t.” Her face was red either because of the sun or because of the scrutiny. “I’m just bow-legged.”
“Damn,” he shook his head, “Well how much you want for one of them?”
“One of my braces?”
“Yeah. All I want’s the one anyway.”
“I need both of them.”
“C’mon. You wouldn’t notice just one missing. I mean, you’ve got a spare right next to it.”
Upon noticing a robed figure I recognized by the animals at the troughs, I moved to them instead and let Maron’s conversation fall to the wayside. The chatter of the crowd was wild and startled words came as a wizard exposed their collection of tonics to passersby.
“Suzanne,” I said.
The figure turned to face me, moving their head to look away from a mare they’d been brushing to expose one of those white porcelain masks.
I knew it and could not contain a smile.
“Harlan?” asked the figure. The mask on its face was split in the middle with hinges on either side and they opened it to show their face; it was Suzanne. They’d grown some hair around their throat and wore lipstick on their lips and dyes on their eyes.
“It’s good to see you.” I pushed myself into a hug with them and I could smell the travel off them but didn’t care.
They shifted timidly before hugging me back and I pretended not to notice. Once we’d separated, I looked on Suzanne’s face again and they were looking on at the hanging men on the wall. “Again?” they asked.
I nodded and shot a look towards the Boss across the way.
“What justice?” they asked no one while shaking their head.
Trying an answer, I said, “Justice is something man made, I think. I’ll leave men to men and the rest to God.”
“God.” Suzanne nodded glumly then shook their head. “Which one?”
I laughed a good laugh that felt real but nervous too then kicked the ground and took the last drag off my cigarette before chucking it to the ground. “What’s brought you here?”
Suzanne answered plainly. “We took a long time east out near Pittsburgh.” Their eyes scanned the buildings further on from the square. “The people there are worse than here, it seems. At least you still have your walls.”
“Pittsburgh’s fallen?”
They frowned. “Not completely. They’ve mostly gone underground. A skitterbug infestation caused a plague directly before an attack of proportions I’ve yet seen.” Suzanne’s brow furrowed. “It was awful.” The words hung in the air for a moment. “But we’re here now and thought we’d stop for a rest and some guns and ammo before returning to Babylon. We’ve brought some medicines to trade.”
I learned from my friend that Pittsburgh’s infrastructure and fortifications were decimated in an attack the wizards only caught second-hand and the survivors—holed away in the tunnels beneath Pittsburgh—told of how the demons ran the walls once their reserves were low.
Then the wizards gathered there began unpacking books, some scrolls, and there were medicines too and some of the Bosses other than Maron (he pushed his harassment of the young wizard with leg braces) graced us there with their presence as they came on and began to pick across the goods, haggling prices. Boss Frank was there, and he stood before a wizard by a tank with a wooden table of jars—capped elixirs of varying colors—he grew increasingly frustrated with their selection and took on in his braggadocious way, speaking of numbers. A few of the idle wizards leaned against carts or even took across town and a small group of them had gathered for a quick show near the guard posts, playing instruments (strings over the vocals of “In My Life”) and there in the front of them was a young wizard man that had removed his hat to show how he played with fire flames off his hands—it was a sideshow play—and the citizens wore variations of bemusement or disgust. The children of Golgotha, all dirty faced with sprigs of hair jutting about from their morning’s waking, seemed totally bewildered in the joy of song and clapped their hands or shook their hips all with smiles.
I stuffed my hands in my jacket and prodded Suzanne, “What’s with the plague? I mean, was it contained? None of your lot got sick, did they?”
Suzanne scoffed, perhaps a little pridefully, “No. I wouldn’t worry about that.” They patted a nearby mule then withdrew a brush and moved it across its thin coat before looking over its hooves. “I’ve brought you some books I found out that way though. You still read?”
I nodded.
“Don’t expect any of that fiction. The only ones I’ve found recently are old pamphlets or medical texts.” Suzanne paused and smiled, returning the animal brush to their robes, “You haven’t happened upon anything that might interest me, have you?”
Their shown teeth were infectious. “Mayhap. I’d need you to come back to my place so I could give them to you.” An awkward pause followed and the roar of the still accumulating crowd overtook the space between us before I continued. “Mostly interesting containers and a few flecks of gold I took from some old computers—they’ve been waitin’ on you for weeks now. I got some parchment that might be of use to you too. You can take what you need as always.”
“How about we get some food? I’m famished. Riding through the night takes its toll.”
Me and Suzanne took from the square up a narrow route that led through residences where the lower levels had their curtains drawn and then we took stairs toward balconies and catwalks configured from reinforced metal; we spoke as we went and a few odd glances from passersby met the wizard as we did.
“The tide on the east is rising again,” said Suzanne.
“Worse than before?”
“Worse than before.”
“God, I don’t think I’ve seen the ocean for a decade or more.” I slid my hand along the railing once we came to what was essentially my front porch; it was a perch among the catwalks that cut against the domicile where I shared walls with others on three sides and we stopped there outside my door. “We saw a dragon only a few days ago.”
Suzanne’s interest seemed piqued. “A dragon? And what direction was it traveling?”
“Well,” I craned over the railing, looking down the narrow walkway that separated my building and the one across the way; I couldn’t see the front square from outside my home, but I could still just make out the music echoing from that direction, “Could’ve been north or west. I was preoccupied, but I wouldn’t worry much. The wall men gave it a pretty good thrashing before it took off.”
“Hmm.”
“So, the ocean? It’s rising, huh?”
They joined me there on railing, supporting themselves against their forearms. “It is. Faster than ever. Some bad magic’s taken the water. I imagine by the end of the year Pittsburgh will be under it. There’s something bad coming. You might call it intuition if you want, but I know it’s coming. Something bad. Revelations bad. There comes a time when even those of us forsaken are brought worse.”
“Bah!” I couldn’t help it, “John thought it was the end times while he wrote the damn thing. And what about all the other books? Hm?”
Suzanne put up their hands. “I didn’t mean it like that at all. You know I’m only the mildest scholar on the topic.”
“Anyway. You’d better not start having visions. Got enough to worry about as is.” I’d not realized my shoulders were tense until their hand touched me, and I flinched.
“You’ve a bruise around your neck. Care to elaborate there?”
I shook my head. “Got into a fight.”
Suzanne laughed, removed their pointed hat and playfully put it on my head. “C’mon. Cook me something. You might not know a thing about spices, but your cooking’s always tasted better.”
We took through my door to my small single room where simple amenities awaited and an ancient, decommissioned pump-shotgun hung on the wall over the bed. “That’s just ‘cause you ain’t the one laboring over it.”
Across a meal of potato cakes and toasted bread, we drank coffee until I broke into the liquor to spice my coffee and alleviate my hangover, and we shared the drink and Suzanne took to wash in the sink while I smoked outside on the overlook. Upon returning to the room, I saw them there with a wet rag stuffed beneath an armpit and they were beautiful caught without robes, frame cast in sunglow through the crack in my doorway. In a moment, our hands glided around one another in a scramble of arms at the middle point between us and we took to bed for a while.
Come midday, we remained there, staring at the ceiling, chests bare, and blanket strewn across our lower halves.
“You’re going gray,” said Suzanne.
“You’re getting old too, ya’know.”
“Yes.”
“How long did you say you’ll be staying?” I asked while trying to mask whatever excitement may be present.
“Few days. Once we’ve enough ammunition.” They traced their index finger along my ear lobe.
“Stay.” I offered.
They frowned. “Come.”
“I did already.”
They gave me a light shove and cut their eyes at me. Hazel. How good that color was. “Really. What keeps you here?”
“Things.” I pushed up in the bed to sit, finagling my underwear from the jeans on the floor.
“I wish you would.”
“I’m no wizard.”
“You don’t need to be.”
“Maybe there will come a time when I take you up on that offer. Who knows?” I slid into the drawers.
“Is it Maron?” they asked, “I don’t know your fascination with him. He’s the worst combination cruel and dumb I’ve seen.”
“Like an animal.” I nodded. “Like something real bad’s wrong with him. But no. He’s not my fascination.” Lying was always hard with them. “I worry about this place. I wouldn’t do the things I do if I didn’t. What if I were to leave it and then it turns out like Pittsburgh.”
“Oh, you’re an expert in plagues now?”
“No,” I scoffed, “I guess it’s just a place that weighs on my conscious.” I went to sit on the bed alongside them.
“You hate it here. I can see it more on your face every time we meet.”
“That I do. Call it an investment dilemma. I’ve put time in it, and I want it to be well.”
“That doesn’t sound like you.”
I caught Suzanne’s face there, staring up from the flat pillow, flustered. My reasoning was hard, but I continued, “There is one thing I should undo before I leave here. It’s a long time coming, and I don’t know if I can. But it’s important,” upon seeing their quizzical expression, I added, “And it is secret.”
“I wish you’d come with us. You’d be welcome.”
“I’ll visit Babylon sometime next month. I promise.”
“You shouldn’t call it that. I don’t like it when you call it that.” The wizards never called their home Babylon; that was a name conjured by the many religious fanatics that considered their magic evil (even if they did trade with the ‘heretics’ from time to time). The name they’d given their own city of medicine was Alexandria; it was fitting for I’d seen their expansive libraries and could become lost in them easily.
“Fine. I’ll be there.” I squeezed their hand in mine. “I’ll miss you once you’ve gone.”
“Don’t get sappy,” they said before planting a kiss on my forehead.
The day went and then the next and another and the wizards packed their belongings. No more music for Golgotha, only quiet agony. As Suzanne said, they’d left me a few books and I’d given away my parchment, jars, and gold. While they were in town, I even was able to snag a few more bottles of their famous wizard liquor along with a few vials of medicine—always good to have whenever I set foot beyond the walls or when someone within might need it.
There came a time finally—as every time it does—where I watched the caravan, with gray smoke clouds off the engines, take on north first where there was an opening wide enough in the ruins to accommodate vehicles, then it hooked around a wide bend that took them west then their black shapes against the red morning skyline disappeared like fading ink as their magic cloaked them entirely. I wished them well, but at the moment of dissipation, I felt an urge to leap from the top of the wall, charge across the field, scream that I was coming and scream it loud enough that I’d hurt myself. I think I just loved—though I never said it aloud and neither did they—and love is a bad thing more often than it is good, for the longing it leaves in its absence drives a person mad and I did not want to be mad; the feeling burst from me quietly there on the wall while I was flanked on either side by guards. I was sure all along the way they went that I could just make out Suzanne among them; that was probably a fault in my vision, but I imagined they were casting glances back, hoping to hold me as strongly as I wished to hold them. I went to the streets of Golgotha where the town quieted from the previous days’ engagements with the wizards.
Normal came and settled and then came chanting from Lady as she moved through sullen quiet streets. She was so far off that I was not sure it was her at all and then came the lines as she drew nearer by the hydroponics towers, and she shouted them vigorously and shook her fist above the air and held a staff with a swinging lantern of incense in her opposite hand, partly for ceremony and partly for support. The words came harshly, gravelly:
“They called to the mountains and to the rocks, fall on us and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb! For the great day of their wrath has come, and who can withstand it?”
“The lamb will be your shepherd. He will guide you. Hallelujah! He will lead you to the springs of living water and wipe away every tear!”
“Many will be purified, made spotless and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand! Do not be tempted by the deviousness of the whorish Babylonians for all the nations have drunk the maddening wine of her adulteries. The kings of the earth committed adultery with her, and the merchants of the earth grew rich from her excessive luxuries.”
A person, among the catwalks, shouted down at Lady, “Shut-the-fuck-up!”
I watched her come fully down the avenue as she dodged a thrown egg from somewhere unseen, then dashed away toward an offshoot alley to hide somewhere, incense lantern smoking, clanging against her back while she screeched off more scripture from memory. After she was long gone, I moved to the spot where the egg was, rubbed it into dirt with the sole of my boot and looked up through the spiderweb network of catwalks overhead; there was no one.
Without a thing keeping me, I took off the following day, and upon meeting the gates, Maron was there and I could see he was the proud owner of a used leg brace; he grinned upon seeing me, patting his mustache down with his forefinger and thumb.
“Whatcha’ think?” He motioned to his left leg. “It’s a bit of a conversation starter, ain’t it?”
“Get your boys to open the gate, I’m going out.”
He shook his head. “Won’t find anything out there. It’s all dirt and rubble, you know.”
“Just open it.”
“You know what?” He cut his eyes at me. “There’s gonna’ come a day when you won’t be so able bodied or maybe the Bosses won’t like you coming and going as you please.”
I inhaled heavily then let it go. “Now can’t we skip to the end where you acquiesce to my request?”
“Words words words you’ve got. You’ve got a lot of words. Acquiesce. Psshaw.” Boss Maron waved for the guards to open the gate and they did, and I stepped by him, and he spit somewhere behind me before I heard him hobble around with his single leg brace.
The path was clear and open on all sides and in no time, I’d taken across the field to the east and found myself on the edge of the ruins where things stank, and I was free from no other thought than to live. Creeping hot overcame me and brought my hair to my forehead and I holed off in a shadow to drank from my gourd before continuing. The sun was red in the sky in the places where I could see sky from around the black shadows of towering structures. I ducked beneath an old shop counter when I heard the skittering of fart heads and pulled a sleeve to kill the scent of their chlorine breath.
Once they’d gone, I pulled through the wreckage more and more till I came upon the markings for an old safehouse in the back office of a garage I’d not been to in a while. What were my intentions? Was I going to go all the way to the coast? Throw myself into those bad magic waters? There’s a thing they don’t teach you in religion. They prattle all day to do this or that and they say that Hell awaits sinners or Hades or maybe its in layers or circles or what have you. They’ll tell you about the places and they’ll say that if you take life into your own hands, you end in Hell, but what’s a person to do when those creeping intrusions come along—the ones that call to a person in the darkness, the ones where they tempt you to jump from a high place or there’s always a gun or a poison. Maybe a person could bribe another to do it for them. Where do they end up then? What are you supposed to do to stave off those thoughts? Should a person contend such melancholies with prayer? That did not seem helpful. What is the soulless to do without the promise of those pearly gates anyway?
Anyway, I took on past the safehouse and found a utility hall in the side of a tall industrial building just beyond a partially erect chain link fence. The wall was opened up like a cracked shell from years of standing alone, and after ducking through there, I found some old matches in a drawer, plastic gas cans whose contents had long since congealed within; I kicked them (not that I expected anything more). Moving further down the wide hallway, there were shelves of dusty tools, and I took some hammers and knives (cheapo stuff).
Further still down the hall, there was a staircase, and I took it quietly; the stone stairs made hardly a sound against the bottoms of my boots, and I took the stairs more quickly till I was out of breath and caught myself on a landing where I supped silent air before rushing further up the stairs. An old metallic cabinet or console—I couldn’t make it out—lay strewn across the steps to the second-highest floor and I climbed over it before coming to the building’s roof access. Upon coming to the door with a metal push bar across its middle, I gave it a shove and it did not budge but a minor clink and I took a moment to collect myself before rummaging through my gear.
Slung through a loop on the inside of my pack was a short prybar that was so worn around its tooth it was more rounded than an edge; I shimmied the piece of metal into the spot where the door latched into the way and began crimping the spot apart, trying all the while to maintain a relative quiet in the dead ruins. Once I’d bent away at the door for a few moments, I elevated my body weight at an awkward angle to pop the door free and it did so, half open, with a rusty screech that forced a long pause from me; I stood there by the newly opened doorway for a full minute, holding the prybar, holding my breath. Upon hearing nothing in response to the noise of the door, I slid the tool into my pack and slipped through the threshold.
The flat roof of the industrial building sloped to one corner—where the opening in the wall of the first floor was—and sitting there in the middle of an open platform was an old helicopter, blades half torn away or rusted off and the remaining slanted from the top of the old vehicle, touching the platform it sat upon. The roof access looked like a little square house atop the flat headed structure and around the side of the access, I found an old corpse (entirely bones) wrapped in black plastic-like armor, the white dry fingers laid across its lap, several digits gone and its hollow eye holes staring off into the sky with a permanent smile. I moved to the thing that hadn’t been human in a long time and prodded it; the skeleton slumped to the side and looked on the ground by its shoes. How long had it been staring at the sky and how long had it been waiting for me to come and change its dead visage?
I moved to the edge of the building, to the corner where the building sloped and looked off the edge to the ground below; all was quiet, and nothing moved save the shadows’ stalwart creep across the ground. Examining from above, I could see the opening I’d climbed through and beneath my shifting feet, I felt the ground give a little; timidly, I angled more forward and for a moment I thought I knew why I’d gone up there in the first place. Suddenly six-stories felt high. The urge to jump came. Perhaps on the way down, I’d have just a blink to convince myself I’d slipped.
“Hey!” A shout from somewhere down below came from the direction I’d come from. I shook my head as it felt as though it was a ghost echo, a noise that wasn’t. Then it came again, “Hey!”
I squinted my eyes and there in the crumbled road below, there was a human I didn’t initially recognize; it was only after the figure tumbled through the remains of the chain link fence that I recognized it as Dave. I blinked.
Out of breath, he angled over to the opening at the base of the structure and called up at me, “Hey! I see you up there!”
Whisper-yelling, I cupped my hands, “Shutup!”
I took back to the stairs, and he hollered after, “Where you going?”
With reckless abandon, I took the stairs many at a time, leapt the cabinet on the stairs, scrambling while also reaching for the prybar I’d put away. I held the cold metal in my hand and charged toward the industrial storage hallway where I could see him silhouetted in the frame of the crumbled opening.
His chest heaved and he wiped at his brow; slung across his shoulder was a small supply bag and worn like a necklace was a pair of binoculars. “God, you move fast. Like a fuckin’ cockroach in light.” His eyes shifted from my face to the prybar in my hand as I approached him.
Standing within the echoey hallway, I lifted the weapon and pointed it at him. “What’d you follow me for?”
“You wouldn’t use that on me.” He took his eyes from the prybar. “I don’t think you would anyway. You might be shady, Harlan, but I don’t take you as a stone-cold murderer.”
“You take me wrong,” I said.
“Maybe.” He seemed to think on it a moment. “You wouldn’t?”
“If you’ve given away my position to those things, I might.”
“Lots of bluster.” Dave offered an incredibly forced smile, and I could see just from the little shine of the sun in the opening that his eye had blacked but remained functional. “I been watching you.”
“Oh?”
He nodded. “I snuck out after you.”
“You ought to go back.”
“You ought to just listen. There ain’t a thing back there for me.”
“I don’t care.” The sharpness in my voice felt good. “I don’t need some sorry sack sneaking up on me when I’m mindin’ my own.”
A quiet laugh. “There’s nothing there for me. I been farming all my life and if I die,” he shrugged, “So be it.”
“Idiot. Fuckin’ idiot.”
“You manage out here! Wizards can too!”
“Wizards have magic.”
“You got some of that?”
I lowered the crowbar.
“We’ve got to stop starting our conversations with fights.” He paused and moved into the shadowy hallway of the building before perching in a half-sit half-lean against the wall near me. “I never was violent anyway, so if you want to hit me with that then do it.”
“Hmm.”
His shirt clung to him, sweat thick and dark on his chest and pits. “Goddamn you move fast.”
“You should wear a jacket or something. Long sleeves keep the sun off and a thicker material gives you a modicum of protection.” I took to squatting too, maintaining ample distance betwixt us. “A hat helps too, but I’m always losing hats.” I chewed on my tongue while mulling over whether I should leave him.
“Are you going to try and slink away while I’m not looking?”
I blinked. “No.”
“Liar.” He took a healthy gulp from his water gourd then wiped his mouth. “East is the ocean?”
I nodded.
“Is it far?”
I nodded. “For you.”
Dave sighed. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“Telling me.”
“Okay.”
“You ever have any kids?”
I shook my head.
“It’s somethin’. Henry had so much energy—especially when he was little—there was times I didn’t think he’d ever settle down.”
“What are you doing out here?” I asked.
“Helen told me she was the same way when she was his age. She had energy too. I feel so tired.”
“Dave. What the fuck are you doing out here? Why’d you follow me?”
He took one last swallow from his gourd before shoving it into his pack. “I wanted to talk to you about killin’ the Bosses.”
I laughed into my hand. “That’s—that’s a thought.”
“I mean it.” His stare was like pinpricks.
Previous
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Looking to shed as many keys here as I can, make offers! I'm only interested in trading for the three games I listed in the title or paypal funds. Thanks!
April 2023 Choice Bundle
Death Stranding Director's Cut
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Rollerdome
Life is Strange 2: Complete Season
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Revita
Founders' Fortune
March 2023 Choice Bundle
Biomutant
Edge of Eternity
Hero's Hour
Rogue Lords
Demon Turf
Golden Light
Monster Crown
February 2023 Choice Bundle
PathFinder: Wrath of the Righetous
Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales
Othercide
Shady Part of Me
Scourgebringer
Forbia - St. Dinfna Hotel
Five Dates
January 2023 Choice Bundle
Doom Eternal
Tribes of Midgard
Encased
Grow: Song of the Evertree
Conan Chop Chop
Hokko Life
The Serpent Rogue
December 2022 Choice Bundle
Wasterland 3
Greedfall
First Class Trouble
BackBone
Toem
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
Blade Assault
Super Magbot
November 2022 Choice Bundle
Shadow Tactics: Aiko's Choice
Eldest Souls
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes
October 2022 Choice Bundle
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope
Maid of Sker
Epic Chef
Golf Gang
September 2022 Choice Bundle
The Dungeon of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet of Chaos
Crown Trick
Descenders
Industria
Shapez and Puzzle DLC
August 2022 Choice Bundle
In Sound Mind
Mind Scanners
Emily is Away <3
Omno
July 2022 Choice Bundle
Legion TD 2- Multiplayer Tower Defense
Legend of Keepers
Banners of ruin
Atom RPG Trudograd
June 2022 Choice Bundle
Call of the Sea
Game Dec
Siege Survival: Gloria Victis
I Am Fish
May 2022 Choice Bundle
Spongebob Squarepants: Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated
Spellcaster University
Surviving the Aftermath
Genesis Noir
Embr
April 2022 Choice Bundle
Killsquad
Suzerain
Chicken Police
Naruto to Boruto
March 2022 Choice Bundle
Red Solstice 2: Survivors
Nebuchadnezzar
Police Stories
Evan's Remains
February 2022 Choice Bundle
Black Book
Per Aspera
Before We Leave
Paradise Lost
Everhood
Calico
January 2022 Choice Bundle
Rebel Cops
The Henry Stickmin Collection
Farmer's Dynasty
Between the Stars
Midnight Protocol
December 2021 Choice Bundle
Beyond The Wire
The Survivalists
Lacuna- A Sci-Fi Noir Adventure
8 Doors
Fling to the Finish
Tohu
November 2021 Choice Bundle
Due Process
Turnip Boy Commits TAx Evasion
SimpleRockets 2
Timelie
May 2021 Choice Bundle
Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3
Levelhead
Fury Unleashed
Size Matters
Morkredd
Relicta
Retimed
Family Man
Vane
March 2020 Choice Bundle
198X
Niffelheim
AI War 2
Etherborn
December 2019 Choice Bundle
Dark Future: Blood Red States
X-Morph: Defense
Aegis Defenders
Desert Child
Best of Boomer Shooters
Hellbound
Project Warlock
Stand with Ukraine Bundle
This War of Mine
Car Mechanic Simulator 2018
Monaco
Supraland
Ring of Pain
Popup Dungeon
Wandersong
Expeditions: Viking
Vagante
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Pathway
Rustler
Drawful 2
112 Operator
911 Operator
Amnesia: The Dark Descent + Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
SUPERHOT
Kingdom Two Crowns
West of Dead
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Driftland: The Magic Revival
Book of Demons
Fury Unleashed
X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
DV: Rings of Saturn
Pixplode[fixed][/fixed]
EarthX
Neverout
Say No! More
NecroWorm
Hexologic
Post Void
Moon Hunters
Lust from Beyond: M Edition
The Amazing American Circus
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
Corridor Z
Draw Slasher
Shing!
The USB Stick Found in the Grass
Go Home Dinosaurs
Dagon: by H. P. Lovecraft - The Eldritch Box DLC
We Are Alright
Going Under
Yoku's Island Express
Nex Machina
Soulblight
Treasure Hunter Simulator
Orbital Racer
Lust for Darkness
GameGuru
Broken Age
RPG Maker VX

Prices FIRM - CashApp/Venmo/PayPal Friends & Family
Disney/Marvel titles are split codes. Only redeem what you pay for. Thank you.
300 (2007) (MA/4K) $6.50
12 Monkeys (1995) (MA/4K) $3.50
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Angry Birds Movie (2016) (MA/HD) $3.75
Annie (2014) (MA/HD) $2.25
Antlers (2021) (GP/HD) $4
Ant-Man (2015) (MA/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.25
Apollo 11 (2019) (MA/HD) $6.25
Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm (2022) (MA/HD) $4.75
Army of Darkness (1992) (MA/HD) $4
Arrival (2016) (Vudu/4K) $6.75 (Vudu/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/4K) $4
Art of Self-Defense (2019) (MA/HD) $6
Artist, The (2011) (MA/HD) $6
Avengers (2012) (MA/4K) $7.75 (iTunes/4K) $6.75 (GP/HD) $3.75
Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) (MA/4K) $7.75 (iTunes/4K) $6 (GP/HD) $1.75
Avengers: Endgame (2019) (MA/4K) $4.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.75 (GP/HD) $1
Avengers: Infinity War (2018) (MA/4K) $5.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.75 (GP/HD) $1
Babylon (2022) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Back to the Future (1985) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.25
Bad Boys for Life (2020) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $3.50
Bad Guys, The (2022) (MA/4K) $8 (MA/HD) $4.25
Bad Moms (2016) (MA/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Bambi (1942) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.50
Bambi II (2006) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.50
Band of Brothers (2001) (GP/HD) $3.75 No Port
Bank Job, The (2008) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Banshees of Inisherin (2022) (GP/HD) $4.50
Batman and Superman: Battle of the Super Sons (2022) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.50
Batman Year One (2011) (MA/4K) $5
Batman, The (2022) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3
Batman: The Long Halloween Deluxe Edition (2022) (MA/HD) $6
Battle: Los Angeles (2011) (MA/4K) $6.50
Battleship (2012) (MA/4K) $4.50 (MA/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $3
Beast (2022) (MA/HD) $5.75
Beauty and the Beast (1991) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $2
Beauty and the Beast (2017) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $3.25 (GP/HD) $2
Bedknobs and Broomsticks (1971) (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3.50
Beguiled, The (2017) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Being John Malkovich (1999) (MA/HD) $3.50
Beirut (2018) (MA/HD) $4.75
Belfast (2021) (MA/HD) $5.50
Belly (1998) (Vudu/4K) $4.75
Ben-Hur (2016) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Better Off Dead (1985) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $6.50
Beverly Hills Cop (1984) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.50
BFG, The (2016) (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $3.50
Big (1988) (MA/HD) $5.75
Big Lebowski (1998) (iTunes/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $5.75
Big Wedding (2013) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
Billy Elliot (2000) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.25
Birth of A Nation (2016) (MA/HD) $4
Black Adam (2022) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4.25
Black Christmas (2019) (MA/HD) $6
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $2.50
Black Phone, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5
Black Swan (2010) (MA/HD) $4.50
Black Widow (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $3.25
Blacklight (2022) (MA/HD) $4.25
Blade Runner (Final Cut) (1982) (MA/4K) $6.50
Blade Runner 2049 (2017) (MA/4K) $6.50
Bleed for This (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Blockers (2018) (MA/HD) $3
Blood Father (2016) (Vudu/HD) $4
Bloodshot (2020) (MA/HD) $4
Blues Brothers (1980) (iTunes/4K) Ports to MA $6
Blumhouse's Truth Or Dare (Unrated) (2018) (MA/HD) $4.75
Bob's Burgers Movie (2022) (MA/HD) $3.25 (GP/HD) $2.25
Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022) (Vudu/4K) $6.75
Bodyguard, The (1992) (MA/HD) $5
Bolt (2008) (MA/HD) $8 (GP/HD) $5.50
Bond: Goldfinger (1964) (Vudu/HD) $7
Bond: Man with the Golden Gun (1974) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
Bond: Skyfall (2012) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (Vudu/HD) $1
Bond: Spectre (2015) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Book of Henry (2017) (iTunes/HD) Ports $5
Book of Life (2014) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Booksmart (2019) (MA/HD) $5.25
Born a Champion (2021) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Boss Baby: Family Business (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50
Boss, The (Unrated) (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $2.75
Bourne Supremacy (2004) (MA/4K) $5.50 (iTunes/HD) $4.50 (MA/HD) $3
Bourne Ultimatum (2007) (MA/4K) $5.50 (iTunes/HD) $5.50 (MA/HD) $4
Boy Next Door, The (2015) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5.25
Boy, The (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
Brahms: The Boy II (2020) (iTunes/4K) $2.75
Braven (2018) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Breakdown (1997) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.75
Breakthrough (2019) (MA/4K) $6.50
Brian Banks (2019) (MA/HD) $4.25
Bridge of Spies (2015) (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $3.75
Bridget Jones's Diary (2001) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.25
Bring It On: Worldwide #Cheersmack (2017) (MA/HD) $3.25 (iTunes/HD) $1.25
Broken City (2013) (MA/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/SD) $1.25
Broken Hearts Gallery (2020) (MA/HD) $3.75
Brothers (2009) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (1992) (MA/HD) $5.75
Bullet Train (2022) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $4.25
Bye Bye Man (Unrated) (2017) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $2.50
Cake (2014) (MA/HD) $5.25
Call Me by Your Name (2017) (MA/HD) $5.75
Call, The (2013) (MA/HD) $4.50
Captain America: Civil War (2016) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $5 (GP/HD) $2.25
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $7 (GP/HD) $5
Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014) (MA/4K) $7.50 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $2.25
Captain Marvel (2019) (MA/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) $4 (GP/HD) $1.75
Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017) (MA/HD) $3.25
Carrie (2013) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Cars 1-3 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $15.50 (GP/HD) $9
Casper (1995) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.75
Catch Me If You Can (2002) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $6.50
Catch the Bullet (2021) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Change-Up, The (2011) (Unrated) (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5.50
Chappie (2015) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.75
Charlie's Angels (2000) (MA/4K) $7.75
Chronicles of Riddick (Unrated Director's Cut) (2004) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5
Cinderella (1950) (MA/HD) $5.75 (GP/HD) $3.75
Cinderella (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Cinderella 'Camila Cabello' (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50
Cinderella II: Dreams Come True (2002) (MA/HD) $6.50
Citizenfour (2014) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
City of Lies (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.50
Clerks III (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Clifford the Big Red Dog (2021) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Clown (2014) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
Clueless (1995) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.25
Coal Miner's Daughter (1980) (MA/HD) $6.25
Cocaine Bear (2023) (MA/HD) $7.25
Colombiana (Unrated) (2011) (MA/HD) $4.25
Concussion (2015) (MA/HD) $3
Constantine: The House of Mystery (2022) (MA/HD) $3.50
Contraband (2012) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $2
Contractor (2022) (Vudu/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Counselor, The (2013) (MA/HD) $3
Cowboys and Aliens (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $2.50
Croods (2013) (MA/HD) $3.50
Croods: A New Age (2020) (MA/HD) $5
Cruella (2021) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $3.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Cult of Chucky (Unrated) (2017) (MA/HD) $3.75 (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Daddy's Home 2 (2017) (Vudu/4K) $4.50 (iTunes/4K) $2 (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Darkest Minds, The (2018) (MA/HD) $4.75
Day After Tomorrow (2004) $7
DC League of Super-Pets (2022) (MA/4K) $8 (MA/HD) $5
Dead Man Down (2013) (MA/HD) $4.75
Deadpool 2 (2018) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $3.25
Dear Evan Hansen (2021) (MA/HD) $4.25
Death on the Nile (2022) (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3.50
Death Wish (2018) (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Descent, The (2005) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Detroit (2017) (iTunes/4K) Ports to MA $4.75
Devil Wears Prada (2006) (MA/HD) $5.75
Devil's Due (2014) (MA/HD) $2.75
Devotion (2022) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017) (MA/HD) $2
Disaster Artist, The (2017) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
Disneynature Born in China (2017) (MA/HD) $5.25
DisneyNature: Bears (2014) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
DisneyNature: Monkey Kingdom (2015) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
District 9 (2009) (MA/4K) $6.50
Do the Right Thing (1989) (MA/4K) $6
Doctor Strange (2016) (MA/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) $4 (MA/HD) $3.50 (GP/HD) $1.75
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $2.75 (GP/HD) $2
Dog (2022) (Vudu/HD) $3
Don't Breathe (2016) (MA/HD) $5.50
Don't Breathe 2 (2021) (MA/HD) $7.50
Don't Let Go (2019) (MA/HD) $4
Don't Worry Darling (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50
Doors (1991) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.50
Downton Abbey: A New Era (2022) (MA/HD) $3.75
Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who (2008) (MA/HD) $6.50
Dr. Seuss' The Lorax (2012) (MA/HD) $3.25 (iTunes/HD) $2.25
Dredd (2012) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Duff, The (2015) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Dumbo (1941) (MA/HD) $7.50 (GP/HD) $6
Dumbo (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $5.25 (GP/HD) $2.50
Dune (2021) (MA/4K) $5.75
Dunkirk (2017) (MA/4K) $6.50
Early Man (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.25
Echo Boomers (2020) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Eddie the Eagle (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/4K) $6
Edge of Seventeen (2016) (MA/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/HD) $2.25
Ella Enchanted (2004) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $6.50
Elvis (2022) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4
Elysium (2013) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.25
Empire State (2013) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Encanto (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) (GP/4K) $3.50
Ender's Game (2013) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
English Patient (1996) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.75
Equalizer (2014) (MA/HD) $3.75
Equalizer 2 (2018) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $2.75
Escape from Planet Earth (2013) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Escape Plan: The Extractors (2019) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Everest (2015) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3 (iTunes/4K) $4
Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022) (Vudu/4K) $8
Expendables 1-3 (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Extreme Prejudice (1987) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
F9: The Fast Saga + Director's Cut (2021) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3.25
Fabelmans (2022) (MA/HD) $6.50
Faculty, The (1998) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $6.50
Fantastic Beasts Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $7.75
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore (2022) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3
Fast & Furious Collection 1-9 (MA/HD) $10
Fatale (2020) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Father Stu (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50
Fatman (2020) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.25
Ferdinand (2017) (MA/HD) $3.50
Fifth Element (1997) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $6
Fifty Shades of Black (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.50
Finding Nemo (2003) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) $5.25 (GP/HD) $3
First Man (2018) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4.25
First Purge (2018) (MA/HD) $4.50
Five Feet Apart (2019) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Flight (2012) (Vudu/HD) $3.75 (iTunes/HD) $3
Forbidden Kingdom (2008) (Vudu/HD) $5
Ford v Ferrari (2019) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $4.75
Forever Purge (2021) (MA/HD) $5.50
Founder, The (2017) (Vudu/HD) $5 (iTunes/HD) $5.50
Fox and the Hound 2, The (2006) (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $3
Foxcatcher (2014) (MA/HD) $4.50
Frank & Lola (2016) (MA/HD) $4.75
Free Guy (2021) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $3.25
French Dispatch (2021) (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $3.50
From Dusk till Dawn (1996) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.75
Frozen Sing-Along Edition (2014) (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $1.75
Full Metal Jacket (1987) (MA/4K) $6.50
Future World (2018) (Vudu/HD) $4
Galaxy Quest (1999) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $6
Gambler (2014) (Vudu/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Gangs of New York (2002) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.50
Gate, The (1987) (Vudu/SD) $4.25
Get on Up (2014) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.50
Get Out (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3.75
Ghost In The Shell (2017) (Vudu/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/4K) $2.75
Ghostbusters (1984) (MA/HD) $3.50
Ghostbusters + Extended (2016) (MA/HD) $3
Ghostbusters II (1989) (MA/HD) $3.50
Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $3.50
Gifted (2017) (MA/HD) $5
Girl In The Spider's Web (2018) (MA/HD) $4.50
Girl with All the Gifts, The (2016) (Vudu/HD) $5
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011) (MA/HD) $6
Girls Trip (2017) (MA/HD) $1.50 (iTunes/HD) $1
Glory (1989) (MA/4K) $7.75
Godfather (1972) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
Godzilla (1998) (MA/4K) $6.50
Gold (2016) (Vudu/HD) $1.75
Gone Baby Gone (2007) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Gone Girl (2014) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.75
Good Boys (2019) (MA/HD) $3.75
Good Dinosaur (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3
Goodbye Christopher Robin (2017) (MA/HD) $6.50
Goosebumps (2015) (MA/HD) $5
Goosebumps 2 (2018) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $6.50
Great Wall (2016) (MA/HD) $2.50
Green Hornet (2011) (MA/HD) $6.50
Green Lantern: Beware My Power (2022) (MA/HD) $3
Green Mile, The (1999) (MA/4K) $6
Grudge, The (2020) (MA/HD) $6.50
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) (MA/4K) $7.25 (iTunes/4K) $4.75 (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $1.75
Hail, Caesar! (2016) (MA/HD) $3.75 (iTunes/HD) $2.25
Half Brothers (2020) (MA/HD) $5.75
Halloween Ends (2022) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $4.50
Halloween Kills (2021) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.25
Hancock (2008) (MA/4K) $6.50
Happy Death Day (2017) (MA/HD) $6
Happy Death Day 2U (2019) (MA/HD) $6
Happytime Murders (2018) (iTunes/4K) $1.75
Hateful Eight (2015) (Vudu/HD) $2
Heat: Director's Definitive Edition (1995) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $5.25
Heavy Metal (1981) (MA/4K) $6.50
Hell Fest (2018) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Hell or High Water (2016) (Vudu/4K) $5.25 (Vudu/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Hellboy (Director's Cut) (2004) (MA/4K) $6.50
Hercules (1997) (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $5.50
Hidden Figures (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2
Highlander (1986) (Vudu/4K) $5
Hitman: Agent 47 (2015) (MA/HD) $4.50
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
Hocus Pocus (1993) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $2.25
Holiday Inn (1942) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3
Home Alone (1990) (MA/HD) $4
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992) (MA/HD) $3.50
Hostiles (2017) (Vudu/4K) $4.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Hot Fuzz (2007) (MA/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/4K) $4
Hotel Transylvania (2012) (MA/HD) $6
Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015) (MA/HD) $6.75
Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation (2018) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4.50
House of Gucci (2021) (iTunes/4K) $5
House of the Dragon: Season 1 (2022) (Vudu/4K) $9 (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Hugo (2011) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
Hulk, The (2003) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $6.25
Hunt for Red October (1990) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.50
Hunt, The (2019) (MA/HD) $5.75
Huntsman: Winter's War - Extended Edition (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3
Hurt Locker (2008) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
I Can Only Imagine (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007) (MA/HD) $3.50
Ice Age: Collision Course (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.25
Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012) (MA/HD) $4.50
Identity Thief (2013) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.75
Ides of March (2011) (MA/HD) $5.25
If Beale Street Could Talk (2018) (MA/HD) $5.75
Impossible, The (2013) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.75
In the Heights (2021) (MA/4K) $5
Inception (2010) (MA/4K) $6.50
Incredible Hulk (2008) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $5.25
Incredibles (2004) (MA/4K) $7.75 (iTunes/4K) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.75
Independence Day: Resurgence (2014) (iTunes/4K) $2 (MA/HD) $1.50
Indiana Jones 1-4 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $20
Inevitable Defeat of Mister and Pete (2013) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Inferno (2016) (MA/HD) $3.25
Infinite (2021) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5
Inside Llewyn Davis (2013) (MA/HD) $6
Inside Out (2015) (MA/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) $4.25 (GP/HD) $1.50
Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013) (MA/HD) $5.25
Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015) (MA/HD) $6.50
Instructions Not Included (2013) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Internship (2013) (MA/HD) $3.25
Interview, The (2014) (MA/HD) $3.50
Into the Woods (2014) (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $2.25
Iron Man (2008) (MA/4K) $7.25 (iTunes/4K) $7 (GP/HD) $3
Iron Man 2 (2010) (MA/4K) $7.25 (iTunes/4K) $6.50 (GP/HD) $3
Iron Man 3 (2013) (MA/4K) $7.25 (iTunes/4K) $3 (MA/HD) $2.25 (GP/HD) $1.50
Isle of Dogs (2018) (MA/HD) $4.75
It Comes at Night (2017) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
It Follows (2015) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Jack and Jill (2011) (MA/HD) $4.50
Jackass Forever (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4
Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3
Jackie (2016) (MA/HD) $4.25
Jacob's Ladder (1990) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Jane Got a Gun (2016) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Jason Bourne (2016) (MA/4K) $5.50 (iTunes/HD) $3.50 (MA/HD) $3
Jay & Silent Bob Reboot (2019) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.50
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.50
Jesus Music, The (2021) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Jigsaw (2017) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2
Jingle All the Way (1996) (MA/HD) $5.25
John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4
Jojo Rabbit (2019) (MA/HD) $6.75
Joy (2015) (MA/HD) (iTunes/4K) $4
Judy (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Jumanji (1995) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $6
Jumanji: Next Level (2019) & Welcome to the Jungle (2017) (MA/HD) $7.50
Jurassic Park (1993) (MA/4K) $5.25 (iTunes/4K) $3.75 (MA/HD) $3
Jurassic Park III (2001) (MA/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.75 (MA/HD) $3.50
Jurassic World (2015) (MA/4K) $5.25 (iTunes/4K) $3.75 (MA/HD) $2.75
Jurassic World: Dominion + Extended Cut (2022) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.25
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $1.75
Justice League x RWBY Super Heroes and Huntsmen Part One (2023) (MA/HD) $4.25
Justice Society: World War II (2021) (MA/4K) $5.50
Katy Perry: Part of Me (2012) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
Keeping Up with the Joneses (2016) (MA/HD) $4.25
Kick-Ass (2010) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Kick-Ass 2 (2013) (MA/HD) $5.25 (iTunes/HD) $5
Kicks (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5
Kid Who Would Be King (2019) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $4.75
Kidnap (2017) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004) (Vudu/HD) $6
Kill the Messenger (2014) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5
Killer Elite (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.25
Killerman (2019) (Vudu/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/HD) $1.75
Killing Lincoln (2013) (MA/HD) $5.25
Killing Them Softly (2012) (Vudu/HD) $2.75
King of Staten Island (2020) (MA/HD) $4.75
King's Man (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
Knock at the Cabin (2023) (MA/HD) $5.50
Kong: Skull Island (2017) (MA/4K) $6.50
Kung Fu Panda 3 (2016) (MA/HD) $2.50
Kung Fu Panda Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $12.50
L.A. Confidential (1997) (MA/HD) $5.75
Last Christmas (2019) (MA/HD) $6.50
Last Full Measure (2020) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.50
Last Night in Soho (2021) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $5.75
Last Vegas (2013) (MA/HD) $3
Law Abiding Citizen (2009) (Vudu/4K) $7
Lawless (2012) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Leap! (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Lee Daniels' The Butler (2013) (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Legend of Hercules (2014) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Legion of Super Heroes (2023) (MA/HD) $6
Les Miserables (2012) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Let Him Go (2020) (MA/HD) $3.75
Let's Be Cops (2014) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.50
Life (2017) (MA/HD) $2.50
Light of My Life (2019) (Vudu/HD) $2.50 (iTunes/HD) $2
Lighthouse (2019) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Lightyear (2022) (MA/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $2.75 (GP/HD) $2
Like a Boss (2020) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Lion (2016) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Lion King 1 1/2 (2004) (MA/HD) $6.50
Lion King 2: Simba's Pride (1998) (MA/HD) $6.75 (GP/HD) $5.25
Little Fockers (2010) (MA/HD) $4
Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea (2000) (MA/HD) $6.75
Little Mermaid III: Ariel’s Beginning (2008) (MA/HD) $6.75
Little Monsters (1989) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Live Die Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow (2014) (MA/4K) $5
Live Die Repeat: Edge Of Tomorrow (2014) (MA/4K) $6.50
Lodge, The (2019) (MA/HD) $5.75
Logan Lucky (2017) (MA/HD) $1.50 (iTunes/4K) $2.25
London Has Fallen (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.75
Long Shot (2019) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4
Longest Ride (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $1.50
Lord of War (2005) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Lords of Salem, The (2012) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Lost City, The (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
Love Actually (2003) (MA/HD) $5.50
Love and Monsters (2020) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $7
Love, Simon (2018) (MA/HD) $3
Lovebirds (2020) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.50
Luca (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $3.25
Lucy (2014) (MA/HD) $2
Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50
Ma (2019) (MA/HD) $5.25
Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (2012) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2
Maleficent (2014) (MA/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3 (GP/HD) $1.25
Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $3.75 (GP/HD) $1.75
Mama (2013) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.50
Mamma Mia! The Movie (2008) & Here We Go Again (2018) (MA/HD) $6.50 $4.50 Each
Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1977) (MA/HD) $6.25
Marksman, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5.50
Marlowe (2023) (MA/HD) $7.50
Marry Me (2022) (MA/HD) $6.50
Martian - Extended Cut (2015) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $5.25
Martian (Theatrical) (2015) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $3.25
Mary Poppins (1964) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3
Mary Queen of Scots (2018) (MA/HD) $5.75
Matrix: Resurrections (2021) (MA/4K) $5
Maze Runner: The Death Cure (2018) (MA/HD) $5.75
McFarland, USA (2015) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.50
Memory (2022) (MA/HD) $3.50
Men (2022) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Menu (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $4
Mickey & Minnie 10 Classic Shorts - Volume 1 (2023) (MA/HD) $5.75 (GP/HD) $4
Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers (2004) (MA/HD) $6.50
Midsommar (2019) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/4K) $4.50
Million Dollar Arm (2014) (MA/HD) $4
Minions (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
Minions: The Rise of Gru (2022) & Minions (2015) (MA/HD) $8
Minions: The Rise of Gru (2022) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $5.25
Miracles From Heaven (2016) (MA/HD) $4.50
Missing Link (2019) (MA/HD) $4.25
Mission: Impossible Fallout (2018) (Vudu/4K) $2.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Mitchells Vs. The Machines (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50
Money Monster (2016) (MA/HD) $3.25
Monster Hunter (2020) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4.25
Monster Trucks (2016) (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Monster's Ball (2001) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
Monuments Men (2014) (MA/HD) $2
Moonfall (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5
Morbius (2022) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3.25 (MA/SD) $2.25
Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2014) (MA/HD) $3.50
Mortal Kombat Legends: Snow Blind (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50
Mother! (2017) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Mountain Between Us (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $1.50
Mr Popper's Penguins (2011) (MA/HD) $6
Mr. Holmes (2015) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Much Ado About Nothing (2013) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Muppet Movie (1979) (MA/HD) $7.50 (GP/HD) $6
My All American (2015) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.25
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4
My Dinner with Herve (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3
My Fair Lady (1964) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
National Lampoon's Animal House (1978) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $5.25
Nebraska (2013) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.25
Neighbors (2014) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $2
Never Grow Old (2019) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Night Before (2015) (MA/HD) $4.75
Night House, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3
Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) (GP/HD) Ports to MA $3
Ninth Gate, The (1999) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
No Country For Old Men (2007) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
No Time to Die (2021) (iTunes/4K) $3.50
Nobody (2021) (MA/HD) $5.25
Nocturnal Animals (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.25
Non-Stop (2014) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Nope (2022) (MA/4K) $8 (MA/HD) $5.75
Nope (2022), Get Out (2017) & Us (2019) (MA/HD) $10
Norm of the North (2016) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Northman (2022) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $4.50
Old (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50
Olympus Has Fallen (2013) (MA/HD) $5
On the Basis of Sex (2019) (MA/HD) $4.50
Onward (2020) (MA/4K) $5.50 (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $2.25
Oranges, The (2011) (MA/HD) $4.50
Other Woman (2014) (MA/HD) $2.25
Ouija (2014) & Origin of Evil (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $9
Overboard (2016) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.75
Pacific Rim (2013) (MA/4K) $6.50
Pacific Rim Uprising (2018) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $4.50
Pain & Gain (2013) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Paper Towns (2011) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.50
ParaNorman (2012) (iTunes/HD) $5
Passengers (2016) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $2.75
Paul (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.50
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015) (MA/HD) $4.25
Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5
Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $6
Pearl (2022) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Peppermint (2018) (iTunes/HD) $1.75
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013) (MA/HD) $2.25
Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $1.75
Pet Sematary (2019) (Vudu/4K) $4.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Peter Rabbit (2018) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $4.75
Peter Rabbit 2 (2021) (MA/HD) $4
Phantom Thread (2017) (MA/HD) $3.75
Philomena (2013) (Vudu/HD) $2
Pineapple Express (Unrated Edition) (2008) (MA/HD) $6
Pinocchio (1940) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.75
Pirate Fairy (2014) (MA/HD) $3.25
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) (MA/HD) $3.25 (GP/HD) $1.75
Pitch Perfect 2 (2015) (MA/HD) $2.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Pixar Short Films Collection, Vol. 3 (2018) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
Pixels (2015) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $5.50
Plane (2023) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $8
Planes (2013) (MA/HD) $2.25 (GP/HD) $1.25
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
Planes: Fire & Rescue (2014) (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $2
Playing with Fire (2019) (iTunes/4K) $1.50 (Vudu/HD) $2
Pocahontas (1995) (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $5
Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World (1998) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $3.25
Pompeii (2014) (MA/HD) $3.50
Poms (2019) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Post, The (2017) (MA/HD) $2.75
Predator (1987) (MA/HD) $3.50
Predator (2018) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $3.50
Premium Rush (2012) (MA/HD) $3.25
Prey for the Devil (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
Princess and the Frog (2009) (iTunes/4K) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.25
Prometheus (2012) (MA/HD) $1.75
Protege, The (2021) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.75
Psycho (1960) (MA/HD) (iTunes/4K) $5
Psycho (1960), Rear Window (1954), The Birds (1963), Vertigo (1958) (MA/4K) $17
Public Enemies (2009) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $6.25
Punisher, The (2004) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Purge, The (2013) (MA/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3
Purge: Election Year (2016) (MA/4K $5.50 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3
Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022) (MA/HD) $7.50
Queen & Slim (2019) (MA/HD) $4.50
R.I.P.D. (2013) (MA/HD) $3.25 (iTunes/HD) $3
Race (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $2.75
Rambo Last Blood (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $2.75
Rambo: First Blood (1982) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) (Vudu/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Rango (2011) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Ratatouille (2007) (iTunes/4K) $8 (GP/HD) $5.50
Raya and the Last Dragon (2021) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Red (2010) (Vudu/4K) $6.25
Requiem for a Dream - Director's Cut (2000) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Rescuers Down Under (1990) (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $4
Resident Evil: Retribution (2012) (MA/HD) $2.25
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.50
Respect (2021) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
Richard Jewell (2019) (MA/4K) $6.50
Ricki And The Flash (2015) (MA/HD) $4.50
Riddick - Unrated Director's Cut (2013) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Ride Along 1-2 (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5 $2.75 Each
Rio 2 (2014) (MA/HD) $2.25
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2010) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.75
Risen (2016) (MA/HD) $4.50
Road to El Dorado (2000) (MA/HD) $5.50
Robin Hood (2018) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Robin Hood (Animated) (1973) (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $2.75
RoboCop (1987) (Vudu/HD) $7.25
Robots (2005) (MA/HD) $6.75
Rock Dog (2016) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Rocketman (2019) (Vudu/4K) $4.75 (iTunes/4K) $2.50 (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Ron's Gone Wrong (2021) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $3.50
Rumble (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Run Lola Run (1998) (MA/HD) $6.50
Runner Runner (2013) (MA/HD) $4
Rush (2013) (MA/HD) $2.75 (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Russell Madness (2015) (MA/HD) $4
Safe (2012) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $1.75
Safe House (2012) (MA/HD) $4 (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Saint Maud (2020) (Vudu/HD) $6
Santa Clause (1994), 2 (2002), 3 (2006) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $10.50 (GP/HD) $6.50
Saving Mr. Banks (2013) (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $2.75
Scream (1996) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Scream 5 (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Scrooged (1988) (iTunes/HD) $4.75
Second Act (2018) (iTunes/HD) $1.50
Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (2015) (MA/HD) $4.50
Secret Garden, The (2020) (iTunes/4K) $4.25
Secret Headquarters (2022) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $6
Secret Life of Pets 1-2 (MA/HD) $7.50
Secret Life of Pets 2 (2019) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $5
Secret Life of Pets, The (2016) (iTunes/4K) $3.75 (MA/HD) $2.75
Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013) (MA/HD) $2
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.50
Seriously Red (2022) (Vudu/HD) $6.75
Sessions, The (2012) (MA/HD) $4.50
Seventh Son (2015) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $1.50
Sex Tape (2014) (MA/HD) $3
Shaun of the Dead (2004), Hot Fuzz (2007), World's End (2013) (MA/HD) $10
Shaun the Sheep Movie (2015) (Vudu/HD) $4
Shawshank Redemption (1994) (MA/4K) $6
She's Having a Baby (1988) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Shooter (2007) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Sideways (2004) (MA/HD) $5.25
Silent Night, Deadly Night: 3-Film Collection (1989-1991) (Vudu/HD) $6
Silver Linings Playbook (2012) (Vudu/HD) $2
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas (2007) (MA/HD) $6.50
Sing 2 (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.50
Sing Collection 1-2 (MA/HD) $6
Singin' in the Rain (1952) (MA/4K) $6.50
Sinister (2012) (Vudu/HD) $3 (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Sisters (Unrated) (2015) (MA/HD) $4 (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Sixteen Candles (1984) (MA/HD) $5.25 (iTunes/HD) $4.25
Skeleton Twins (2014) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Sleepless (2017) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $1
Smile (2022) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
Smurfs 2 (2013) (MA/HD) $3.25
Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017) (MA/HD) $3.25
Snake Eyes (2021) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Snatched (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $1
Snitch (2013) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $1.75
Snow White and the Huntsman (Extended) (2012) (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (MA/HD) $2.50
Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Son of God (2014) (MA/HD) $1.25
Sonic the Hedgehog (2020) (Vudu/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (2022) (Vudu/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Sound of Music, The (1965) (MA/HD) $5.75
Southpaw (2015) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Southside With You (2016) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Space Between Us, The (2017) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5
Space Jam (1996) (MA/4K) $5
Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021) (MA/4K) $5
Spider-Man (2002) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $5.50
Spider-Man 2 (2004) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $5.50
Spider-Man 3 (2007) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $5.50
Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019) (MA/4K) $8 (MA/HD) $4
Spies in Disguise (2019) (MA/HD) $3.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2003) (MA/HD) $5
Spontaneous (2020) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5
Spy (Unrated) (2015) (MA/HD) $2
Spy Game (2001) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5.75
Stand Up Guys (2012) (Vudu/HD) $2.75
Star Trek 1-3 (Vudu/4K) $18 (Vudu/HD) $9.50 (iTunes/4K) $13.50
Star Trek Beyond (2016) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.25
Star Trek Into Darkness (2013) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.25
Starship Troopers (1997) (MA/4K) $6.50
Step Up Revolution (2012) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Still Alice (2015) (MA/HD) $3
Stillwater (2021) (MA/HD) $5
Straight Outta Compton (Unrated Director’s Cut) (2015) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Strange World (2022) (GP/HD) Ports to MA $4.25
Strangers: Prey at Night (2018) (MA/HD) $3.50
Stronger (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Stuber (2019) (MA/HD) $4.75
Studio 666 (2022) (MA/HD) $6.75
Suicide Squad, The (2021) (MA/4K) $5
Sully (2016) (MA/4K) $6.50
Sum of All Fears, The (2002) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.75
Super Troopers (2002) (MA/HD) $5.75
SW: A New Hope (1977) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $3.50
SW: Empire Strikes Back (1980) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
SW: Force Awakens (2015) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3.50 (GP/HD) $1
SW: Last Jedi (2017) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $1
SW: Phantom Menace (1999) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
SW: Return of the Jedi (1983) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
SW: Revenge of the Sith (2005) (MA/4K) $7.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
SW: Rise of Skywalker (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $2.25
SW: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $1.25
SW: Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3.50
Sword in the Stone (1963) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $3.75
Tag (2018) (MA/4K) $6.50
Tarzan (1999) (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $5
Ted (2012) (Unrated) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Teen Titans Go! & DC Super Hero Girls: Mayhem in the Multiverse (2022) (MA/HD) $4.75
Terminator (1984) (Vudu/HD) $7
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.25
Terminator 4: Salvation (2009) (MA/4K) $6.50
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019) (Vudu/4K) $6.50 (Vudu/HD) $3 (iTunes/4K) $2.50
Terminator: Genisys (2015) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $3
The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015) (MA/4K) $6.50
Theory Of Everything (2014) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4
Thing, The (2011) (MA/HD) $6.25
This Is 40 (2012) (MA/HD) $3.75 (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Thor (2011) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $7 (GP/HD) $3.50
Thor: Love and Thunder (2022) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $3.25 (GP/HD) $2
Thor: The Dark World (2013) (MA/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.25
Till (2022) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Tinker Bell and the Legend of the NeverBeast (2014) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.50
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.50
Titanic (1997) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.75
TMNT Out of the Shadows (2016) (iTunes/4K) $4
Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Tomorrowland (2015) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
Top Gun: Maverick (2022) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Total Recall + Extended (2012) (MA/HD) $5 (Theatrical) $4
Toy Story 1-4 (MA/4K) $23 (iTunes/4K) $21 (GP/HD) $11.50
Toy Story of Terror! (2013) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3
Trading Places (1983) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Traffic (2000) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5.75
Training Day (2001) (MA/4K) $6.50
Trainwreck (2015) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $1.50
Transformers: Last Knight (2017) (Vudu/4K) $4.75 (iTunes/4K) $2.25 (Vudu/HD) $2
Trauma Center (2019) (iTunes/4K) $3.25
Triple 9 (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $2.50
Trolls (2016) (MA/HD) $1.25
Trolls Collection 1-2 (MA/HD) $6
Tully (2018) (MA/HD) $5.75
Turning Red (2022) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $2.75
Umma (2022) (MA/HD) $4.75
Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
Unbreakable (2000) (MA/4K) $6 (GP/HD) $3.75
Unbroken (2014) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3
Uncharted (2022) (MA/4K) $5.50 (MA/HD) $3.25
Uncle Drew (2018) (Vudu/4K) $6.25 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3
Under the Skin (2014) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Unforgiven (1992) (MA/4K) $6.50
Unhinged (2020) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Up (2009) (iTunes/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $6.75
Up in Smoke ‘Cheech and Chong’ (1978) (Vudu/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Upside, The (2017) (iTunes/HD) $2
Usual Suspects, The (1995) (Vudu/HD) $6
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Van Helsing (2004) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.75
Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $3.50
Vice (2015) 'Bruce Willis' (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Voyagers (2021) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Walking Dead: Season 11 (2021) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
WALL-E (2008) (iTunes/4K) $8 (GP/HD) $5.50
War Dogs (2016) (MA/4K) $6.50
War of the Worlds (1953) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
War Of The Worlds (2005) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Watch, The (2012) (MA/HD) $4.25
Way, Way Back, The (2013) (MA/HD) $5.25
Weird Science (2008) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $6
Welcome to Marwen (2018) (MA/4K) $3.50
What Men Want (2019) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $1.25
What to Expect When You're Expecting (2012) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.25
When the Game Stands Tall (2014) (MA/HD) $4.50 (MA/SD) $1.75
Where the Crawdads Sing (2022) (MA/HD) $4.50
Whiplash (2014) (MA/HD) $5.75
White House Down (2013) (MA/HD) $3.50
Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance With Somebody (2022) (MA/HD) $6
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) (MA/4K) $5.25
Wind River (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5
Wings (1927) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Witch, The (2016) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Wolf Man (1941) (MA/4K) $6.50
Wolverine (Unrated) (2013) (MA/HD) $3.75
Woman King (2022) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $5.50
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020) (MA/4K) $5
Won't Back Down (2012) (MA/HD) $4
World War Z (2013) (Vudu/HD) $3.25 (iTunes/HD) $1.50
Wreck-It Ralph (2012) (GP/HD) $4.25
X (2022) (Vudu/HD) $6.75
X2: X-Men United (2003) (MA/HD) $6.25
X-Men (2000) (MA/HD) $6.25
X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.50
xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2017) (Vudu/4K) $5.50 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $1.25
Yesterday (2019) (MA/HD) $4.50
Zathura (2005) (MA/HD) $7
Zero Dark Thirty (2012) (MA/HD) $3

A single, lone hill jutted from the ground, the only rise across the flat plains around the river Luzum. Was it a hill or a glorified mound? Either way, looking south it was the only place to get a view of the plains, of the river. Of the greater city on its banks. Ibandr.
On the hill sat a man on the bare back of a horse. A breeze from the south, coming a long way from the river at the edge of his vision, whipped his matting of hair in a gentle flicking. His beard, short but shaggy, stood firm on his face, smooth save for the occasional scar or burned mark. The man wore hemp coverings around his shoulders, his waist, down his legs, wrapped loosely with gaps where the wind billowed them to life. He frowned as the wind picked up, hair whipping in the breeze, and reached into a bundle across his shoulder. He pulled out a long cloth and wrapped his hair in a practiced fashion, wiping sweat from his brow once he was done.
“Barnam,” the man turned as another on horseback rode up to him, “we shall be ready soon.”
The man, Barnam, nodded. “At sunset, then.”
“At sunset,” and the other man turned his horse to trot back down the hill. By the hillside, around a hundred horses and men stood, wiping their horses, smoothing stone blades, copper scythes, or long wooden spears. They talked, some joking and laughing, others grave and serious, trading old stories of war or raiding or famine. Barnam looked at them, an absent smile on his face. His family.
“Your father is dead,” his mother had said. Her hand was on his shoulder, other hand on his cheek. He stood on bare, loose dirt, his toes wriggled in the crumbled land. Above him the sky had been cloudy but the sun, when it broke through, was strong and piercing, threatening to push any man or woman who stood against it back into the ground.
Barnam the boy had felt all these things. Yet his soul was in free fall. Down, down, down he fell, screaming a silent scream at the top of his lungs, the word echoing around him, his mother's voice, his father's voice, his voice clanging in a cacophony as he fell ever forward, ever down, into a great abyss of being. The one word over and over, louder and louder, until it was the only thing he could hear and could ever hear: dead.
Not ‘out along the river.’ Not ‘in the outer world.’ Not ‘passed to the ancestors.’ Dead. Your father is dead.
Barnam the man remembered how Barnam the boy felt that day, and he shuddered on his horse as if his soul was back in that free fall, weightless in terror and sorrow and grief. It had been shortly after they crossed the river Duf, into the lands and tribe of the Albayet, that they learned of his father’s death. Barnam remembered little but knew someone had come to them to tell them. One of Hadr’s friends who owed him some debt, chasing after the mother and son to bring them nothing but news of death. The Albayet welcomed them, his mother had always had a silver tongue. She told them of Ibandr, of their troubles with the Zivold, of Hadr and his insistence we come to them, to find Artanr, Harald, and Pulti, to find shelter. To find refuge. To find a home. Yes, the Albayet had welcomed them with open arms. Pulti, especially, had taken to Barnam as if he was his own son.
The horse bellow him snorted, shaking its head at a buzzing fly. Harald became Zivold of the Albayet, his wife Adari the Linezold. Barnam found it odd that both were venerated at an equal status. He barely even remembered who the Linezold of Ibandr was, the wife of the Zivold seldom making grand or luxurious appearances like he did. Once or twice he noticed her at one of Hadr’s festivals but never more. Barnam sighed. He traced his face with a free hand, the other holding onto his horse’s mane. One scar traced his cheek. The first time he had taken a life, the man who threatened him and his mother when he had just reached his thirteenth year. A burn on his cheekbone, one that never healed when they were set upon by another Anug tribe on horseback, wielding fire as well as blade. Many others, some healed, some not, from his years and years with the Albayet. Life was harder on the eastern end of his known world than it had ever been in Ibandr. They farmed as his father and mother had in the city, yes, but the harvests were never trustworthy, forcing him and the Albayet to rely on horsemeat and raiding other villages as much as they relied on the grains of the earth. No Sinnamit guided their festivals, their worship, their healing, their scholarship, only the Zivold and the Linezold, husband and wife of the peoples, were the way forward.
These easterners were much more at home on horseback the city residents. In Ibandr, men only ever rode when guiding their horse herds through the city or out to the river to graze. Here it was an every day occurrence. Hunting or traveling was done on horseback. Times of leisure or work were done on horseback. Even when farming, a horse was typically nearby, with some strange folk ever tying hoes to their horses and walking them along the field. Silliness of the east. The Albayet never were too far from their horses.
Twenty-four summers passed since he and his mother, fatigued and starved and parched, had wandered into the Albayet village and placed their lives into their hands. Here they were sheltered, his mother taken care of and remarried, Barnam raised and trained in the ways of the easterners. They spoke the same and yet different. Some words felt as though he stuffed cotton in his mouth, his tongue working this way or that, making sounds he’d never heard before and hearing the locals laughing at him. Other times he’d feel like he was stretching his jaw out, long and thin. Some j’s sounded like y’s, some words pressed together, some cut in half. But his mother insisted that, when alone, they only spoke as they did at their home. “Our grandmothers are all around us. They follow us on our journey through the darkness. If you forget to speak as they did, how will you speak to them? Only then will they truly go to the Outer World.” She always insisted to hold on to their language, but embrace the Albayet and become as their own.
Through the years Barnam had made some journeys back to his home city. “Your life was stolen from you,” Pulti had told him, long after he had married his mother, “your father’s life was stolen from you. Let me help you, my son, let me help you right your wrong. There is a blood debt here, the worst debt of a father's murder, that can only be paid in one way.” Pulti urged him to think about returning to Ibandr, not as a visitor but to reclaim what was owed to him. The life of Ibandr’s Zivold.” He thought about those words, that mentality, the feeling of a wrong needing to be righted, as he moved through the town posing as a traveler from afar. He’d shake his head when the citizens asked him questions. Where are you from? Who are you with? What are you doing here? He bartered for fish and stone in exchange for horse meat and milk, but all the while he watched and he listened. Three times he made the journey to Ibandr, and each time he learned more.
The Zivold had relegated the Sinnamit to the role of speaker. When the Zivold emerged from the great storehouse of Ibandr, Hadr was there, older than ever, announcing his presence and what would be done in the city that day. Hadr called him not just the Zivold, but the Lord guided by Kutenr, the Paroxl of good harvests and lifesaving flooding. He would here Hadr bellow, "And here is Attarnap, Zivold of Ibandr, Lord guided by Kutenr, Savior of the World, Chosen by Anakinr and blessed by Samvastatn. Life be given to Attarnap, who stands before you in front of the Temple of Kutenr. Life be given to Attarnap, bow to his presence." All around Barnam, the citizens of Ibandr lowered themselves on the ground, kneeling and touching their faces to the ground. He learned quickly to do the same, gritting his teeth to bowing to his father's murdered.
But he couldn't help but think how the Temple of Kutenr had come to be. If the storehouse had been great before, it was grand now. The circular building flanked by long stretches of rectangular rooms was gone. A long, rectangular building, big and empty for the storage of an unbelievable amounts of grain stood in the middle of the city. At the end of it sat a great mound of a building, what Barnam came to learn was the new temple. It was slowly being built with mud-bricks by a group of laborers, a great big pile with four sides pointing to the sky carved on one side with majestic images from Hortens lore and painted on another side with images of what Barnam came to understand as the Paroxl. Along the edge of the great storehouse were circular, two-story buildings with openings in the middle. Barnam made his way into one, empty at the time, and saw stairs leading up to a second floor and an open window to a small, central courtyard. A great amount of room inside and furnished so as to seem like it was the living quarters of the Sinnamit, the Zivold, or those he preferred most.
The buildings around the city center had transformed as well. Gone were the small clumps of buildings, one-storied in varying cascading heights. Now the houses had been replaced and were all similar in size and shape: two-storied, rectangular houses longer than they were wide, built at regular intervals with space in the middle. Some homes had shades built out of mud or wood - rare as it was - or simple hangings of hemp in between the houses, where the citizens sat and worked in the outdoors, speaking to one another or calling out to workers on the roofs. He had made his way back to his old home, finding it gone and replaced with these larger buildings, larger homes to fit the growing city. When Barnam had been a child, the channels they carved only extended as far as his home. But the last time Barnam visited Ibandr, maybe one summer before today, the channels went out twice as far, home going further and further than Barnam could have ever dreamed.
Even now, as Barnam stood on his hill, he saw what appeared to be a piece of the river sitting outside of the city. It shimmered in the sun, a large pool of water where only one summer ago there had been none. Had that been the Zivold’s doing as well? What wonders were being built by that murderer’s fist? What was the purpose of this reservoir of water? He shook his head. He would have to ask the Zivold when he met him, before he got what he was owed.
The sky rumbled in the far distance. The boy who became a man looked left to the east, seeing a darkness of clouds emerging where once there had been little. To the west the sun was low, grazing the far reaches of the river, going low to light the lands of the Outer World for the night. Barnam took his horse and turned it around, back down the hill to the others. It was time to set out.
Context: Don't mind me just doing some internal conflict. Barnam was raised by the Anug and grew to be one of them. But his mother and adoptive father urge him to take revenge on the Zivold and the city. Ibandr has grown in the mean time, swelling in size and population. The Zivold continues to maintain his hold on the city and has been able to organize the structure of the inner city, while the outer grows further and further beyond the river. A, large to them, pyramid-shaped mound has been erected and is called a temple, though it's solid through and more of a landmark than anything else.

Make & Model: Benchmade 551-S30V w/ Seigaiha Copper Meton Boss Scales and matching Titanium Clip
Spots / Price: 180 @ $1
Total Price: $180
Timestamp: Here
Vid / Pics: Here
Price Justification: Scales alone retail for $200 Here
User Grip comp here
Escrow for: u/anonywatch932
Usual rules apply... ​
• PAYMENTS ARE F&F ONLY. DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN THE NOTES!!!
• IF YOU ARE FORCED TO ENTER A NOTE, USE A GENERIC NOTE LIKE “PIZZA” “LUNCH” “BEERS” NEVER EVER EVER USE “RAFFLE”!!!!
• PLEASE BE CLEAR WITH YOUR SPOT CALLS
• IF YOU REQUEST A SPECIFIC SPOT AND YOUR CALLED SPOT IS ALREADY TAKEN IT WILL BE REPLACED WITH RANDOM UNLESS YOU SPECIFY OTHERWISE
Description: Exactly the same condition as when I received it. Doesn’t get pocket time so I’m moving it along. Previous Description: THE GOOD: Thick boi Meton scales that are heavier than your mom w/ matching titanium clip. DLC blade, edge is sharp and appears factory. Comes with the original scales and clip. no box THE BAD: A bit stiff opening and closing. Feels kind of awkward to use because its 99% handle and 1% knife. THE UGLY: Blade has a small chip in the face towards the tip. Clip-side scale has a small but noticeable mark on the spine. Both are shown in the video.
International shipping: No, CONUS Only

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Mine did the same get a razor blade under front metal piece plate and ease it off there only lit with one tiny 12 volt l.e.d one end they use a plastic strip inside to make light travle down whole thing which is shit gets water damaged I bought l.e.d strip lighting on a roll off ebay run a full strip whole length of it lash plastic strip from inside and glue metal plate back on with fish tank sealant stop water getting in then use sealant again to glue back on car and seal around the edges and works great now light up brighter then it ever did before cheap fix cause ford want 100 pound cost me 12 quid works fantastic good luck buddy they both light up my whole street now at night 100 % better

Transmission
by Brian Martinez
Let me start my story by telling you something about me, the most important thing, in fact: I find things, and I fix them. That’s who I am. If you don’t know that, you don’t know me.
I’m a second-generation auto mechanic, born-and-bred. I’ve been repairing cars since before Ford Pintos were blowing up, when cars were made of steel and Route 66 wasn’t just something for the cartoons. These days I’m fortunate enough to own a shop downtown between two of those chain coffee places. It’s small, sure, but it has a reputation for saving cars so far-gone no one else will even touch ‘em. So if you live in the area, and you’ve ever been stuck with the sourest of lemons, or maybe your kid drove your minivan into the pool, we just might have crossed paths, you and I.
That reputation is what led to me getting a phone call from a guy I’d never met, saying he had something that might interest me. His name was Burt and he’d apparently just purchased a piece of property that sat unowned for the better part of twenty years. I knew of the area he was talking about. It’s out in the hills, where there isn’t much to look at. Most of the land there went to weed years ago; acres and acres of old woods and burnt-down barns just waiting for nobody in particular to see the value in them. And, well, it seems Burt was that nobody in particular.
I honestly didn’t know what Burt’s purchase had to do with me, and told him just that, figuring he must have had the wrong number. But the next words out of his mouth told me he knew exactly who he was talking to.
Apparently when old Burt started walking around his new property, digging around in the dirt, so to speak, he made an interesting discovery. So interesting, in fact, that it got me to grab my keys, hop in my truck, and drive up into the hills without so much as a pause to wash my hands.
Some things, you see, don’t wait for a man to look presentable.
As I drove up into the hills to meet Burt, I started to think about my father and the drives he used to take me on. He liked to get a feel for whichever car he was working on, and those drives, they always ended with a detour into the hills. ‘Nothing tests a vehicle like elevation,’ he used to say, and I have to admit, I still agree with that statement. All those long inclines, sharp turns and fast descents- not to mention the occasional slam on the brakes- really put a car through its paces.
Dad knew a thing or two about cars, even if he knew nothing about how to raise a family.
Other than maybe a slight fear of commitment, the main thing I got from my father was a passion for restoring old cars in my spare time. It’s a hobby of mine, and I do it in the garage at my house. I’m especially a sucker for rare cars, and the rarer the better. That little hobby of mine, more so than my day business, was why I ended up driving out to the middle of nowhere with dirty hands and a head full of ideas.
The road up was just as long and winding as I remembered. I almost missed the entrance for the property, a hidden driveway marked with little more than a broken mailbox and a rotting signpost. The private road got smaller and smaller by the minute until I swore the trees were going to swallow me whole and spit the bones back out.
When I finally reached what could pass for a clearing, a guy with a face like a junkyard dog was waiting for me next to the newest, cleanest Ford pick-up I’d seen outside of a dealership. He introduced himself to me as Eddie, an associate of old Burt. I told him I’d been expecting to meet Burt himself, but Eddie explained that Burt didn’t like to meet new people, and rarely came out in the cold weather. It was a bit raw, I had to admit, so I dropped the whole thing and let Eddie get down to the business at hand.
We left our cars behind and Eddie led me into the woods, where the walking was slow-going on account of the overgrowth of vines and dead branches. I’m not one to spook easily, but the more we walked the creepier those woods got, until I was fairly sure Eddie was going to use that French Mastiff face of his to tear my throat out. But just when I was thinking about turning back and saying screw it to the whole thing, I caught sight of what we’d come for.
The very first car I saw was a white, 1974 Pontiac Trans-Am. It was missing its door and tires, and it was buried under a layer of dead vines, but the body shape was unmistakable. Under the rust I could even see what was left of the telltale Firebird emblazoned across its hood in blue.
I couldn’t believe a car like that was just sitting out in the middle of the woods, waiting for anyone to come along and find it. As I got closer, though, I saw just how bad the condition of the car was. The insides were rotted out from rain and mold, and the floor was so eaten up by rust it was ready to fall out.
Before my brain could process the loss of such a beautiful machine, I caught sight of another car. This one was a Datsun 210 with a tree growing right through the hole where its trunk used to be. Wet leaves and newspaper filled the back seat, and the dashboard was an abandoned nest that crawled with leggy insects.
Old Burt hadn’t been pulling my leg: those woods were a graveyard for abandoned cars. From what I could tell, about three acres of woods were absolutely littered with the corpses of old autos. Some were in pieces, most were covered in dead leaves and rust and all the other things that happen when anything is left outside for years and years, but they were there. The sight of so many classic cars in one place, virtually unknown to anyone, both excited and saddened me.
For close to an hour I walked around random piles of tires and glass to stare at rusted-out Range Rovers and Jeeps with their headlights hanging out like popped eyeballs. Finally, like I’d woken up from a spell, I asked Eddie what Burt expected from me. And that’s when he told me the strangest, most interesting offer he could have told me in that moment.
He said if I could make every, single one of those cars disappear in three day’s time, at no cost to old Burt, I could keep them.
The words nearly knocked me off my feet. I’d have to call in every favor to every salvage yard and tow truck operator I knew, but it was possible. Still, nearly all of the cars I’d seen were beyond repair, even for a guy like me. At most I saw some parts that could be salvaged. Maybe a few of the newer, less damaged ones could be saved. I knew a few guys in my circle who might be interested, and I figured if I played my cards right I could make a few bucks out of the deal to boot- or at least land a good trade or two. Still, there weren’t any cars that I was interested in for myself.
Until, at the edge of the property, tucked away in a spot I’d nearly overlooked, I saw it. It was as if I’d been drawn there. Like I was meant to find it.
The car was familiar-looking, yet like nothing I’d ever seen. Cross a Chevelle Malibu Classic SE with the modern retro feel of the ‘97 Plymouth Prowler, add the large rear spoiler and flared wheel arches of a ‘99 Nissan Skyline GT-R, and you still won’t come close. It looked like something one of the big three manufacturers had made and yet I’d never seen or heard of its like ever before. It had no logos, no hood ornament, no identification of any kind. I practically ran around to the back of it to look for a name, a logo, something to identify it, tripping over hidden rocks and broken glass to do it.
But there was nothing. Nothing to betray the make and mark of the strange car in front of me. I even asked Eddie if he knew what it was. He only shrugged, clearly wanting to wrap up our little outdoor meeting. I half-heartedly agreed. It was later than I’d realized. Between the dwindling sun and the discovery I’d made, I’d started to get a chill I couldn’t shake. I had a bad tooth I’d been neglecting, and even that was starting to hurt from the cold.
So I agreed to Burt’s deal. I shook Eddie’s hand on it and got out of there, giving one last glance at the strange car in the woods on the way out.
The next day, after making more phone calls than a politician on election night, a swarm of flatbeds, wheel-lifts and salvage trucks descended on those woods. For two days they scooped out every piece of metal and glass in the place, while I oversaw the operation like a choir conductor from hell. I directed trucks this way and cutting crews that way. They snipped and cut and tore out every dead tree standing in the way so the truck crews could do the rest. I even got in there myself with the old chainsaw when it was needed.
It was an exhausting two days, but I managed to keep my word to Burt and clear every abandoned car off his property with about an hour to spare. Some of the cars went to the junkyard, others to various garages I’d made arrangements with.
I was dead on my feet by the time I got home. I was ready for a shower and a bed, in what order I wasn’t sure. And yet a crackle of energy went through me when I saw what had been dropped off in my garage.
My mystery car. Without the shadows of the woods hiding it, I could see it had been painted silver before the rust took over. It had been a fast sucker once, like a bullet to a werewolf’s chest. That had been a long time ago, and yet I sensed there was still some life in the old girl. I wanted so badly to start digging around under the hood, to see what I could find out, but my legs were ready to collapse and my eyes could barely focus. Intending to wake up early and hit the garage, I stumbled off to bed.
You know that feeling you get when you realize someone’s been talking to you for the past minute, thinking you’ve been listening, and you only just figured it out?
That’s the feeling I woke up to.
I sat straight up like a vampire rising from his coffin. My bedroom was still dark, which meant it was the middle of the night. In my half-sleep I tried to make out the clock on my nightstand but couldn’t read the numbers, so I fumbled for my glasses and shoved them on. It was just past two in the morning: way too early, even for me. No way was I getting up, strange feeling or no.
I was about to take my glasses off and lay back down when I heard the reason I’d woken up.
Whispering.
A man was in my room, whispering in the dark. I lunged across my bed and turned on the lamp, nearly knocking it over. I didn’t have a weapon, but if I could see the intruder I could do something about it. I spun back, back to the whispering, to see who it was, to shout at them or jump on them, whatever I had to do to save my life from the psycho in my bedroom.
But the room was empty. Just me and a pounding heart.
I was so confused, I jumped out of bed and tore around the room, making sure no one was hiding, but I didn’t find anyone. I was alone.
Then I heard it again, and I knew: the whispers were coming from down the hall.
With bare feet I followed it, trying to make out what it was saying, but it was too low to understand. I grabbed a knife as I passed through the kitchen and held it in front of me with sweat beading on my face despite how cold I kept the house.
I followed the whispering to the garage. The overhead light flickered on, lighting up the strange car in my garage. In my half-sleep, half-terror I’d nearly forgotten about it. But there it was, like a bear hibernating in its cave, waiting for the end of winter. It felt alive somehow. Not dead, just asleep and dreaming.
And it was whispering.
I knew how crazy that sounded, how crazy that was, but I swallowed hard and approached the car, knife first. The blade shook in front of me. The whispering got louder the closer I got, and yet I still couldn’t understand the words it was saying. Was someone hiding inside the car? Had I inherited a homeless man when I’d had it towed to my house? If so I had to get him out of there. Get him help, sure, make sure he had a place to sleep, but he couldn’t stay in my garage, whispering through the night. No way.
With my free hand I yanked on the driver’s side door. It didn’t open. Rusted shut. I slowly walked around to the passenger side and yanked again. It opened.
The whispering was louder now, louder but not clearer, like an old television tuned between channels, like a frequency not being picked up, like a…
Like a radio.
The whispers were coming from the radio. I laughed under my breath, realizing how ridiculous I’d been. But then I remembered there was no way the radio could be working. The car wasn’t turned on. If it even had a battery under the hood, it was probably little more than a square pile of rust and battery acid.
I clutched the kitchen knife tight, and with the other hand I slowly reached out to turn the volume knob. I needed to know if the whispers were coming from the radio, and if they were, I needed to know what they were saying. My temple throbbed as the whispers grew louder and louder, louder and louder, louder and-
The moment my finger touched the knob, the whispers stopped.
I felt like I was going crazy. I looked around the inside of the car, noting the strong smell of mildew and animal with a tinge of rotten leather. Other than my own breath echoing back at me, it was silent.
No whispers. No nothing.
I went back to bed, but I barely slept.
The next day was the day I usually took off from the shop, which was a relief since I woke up almost as tired as when I’d gone to bed. As I ate my breakfast, the night before still sat fresh in my mind. But the more I went over it, the more I thought it had been a bad dream, brought on by exhaustion and an imagination run wild. I had to admit the mystery car sitting in my garage had gotten my mind racing faster than a Formula 1.
I’m the kind of guy who likes a simple explanation, something I can touch and feel and, yes, fix, so I started to think that I could have picked up some kind of rogue radio transmission from a trucker, or even a passing plane. The police scanner I owned in my younger days had certainly picked up its share of random broadcasts, and when it comes to working on junkers I’ve learned to expect the unexpected.
After I’d eaten my breakfast and downed my coffee I got right to work on the car. I wanted to clear the air of whatever had happened, and I was dying to see what that baby had going on under the hood. The mystery of who the hell had made the thing was still heavy on me.
But the enigma only deepened the more I looked. Under all that rust and dirt and oil I couldn’t find one damn mark that told me who’d made the car. I almost wanted to say it was a custom build, but the work was too precise, the system too well-planned out to be an after-market job.
I worked on it all day, so wrapped up in it I forgot to eat lunch. I ate dinner like a raccoon digging through a dumpster. Then I worked on it some more.
I was just crawling into bed when I heard it again.
The whispering.
This time I ignored it, hoping it would go away on its own. But it didn’t stop. Not until I got up, walked across my house, went into the garage, and touched the radio. Then, it stopped.
I decided right then and there not to go to the shop the next day. There was just too much work to be done.
I’d been working on the car for four days straight before I got it started up. Four days of stripping and cleaning and rebuilding. Four nights of whispering. I was even starting to hear it during the day, but low, barely audible, like a television playing somewhere in the house.
After I got the engine started, the first thing I did was pull my code reader down from my tool wall and hook it up to the dashboard input. I’d been pleasantly surprised to find an input on the car, even though I was fairly certain it had been built after '96. To my shock the screen filled up with a bunch of random trouble codes I’d never seen before, then went blank. I tried to get it powered up again but apparently the connection had completely overloaded the device.
I’d had the reader for years and it had never given me a problem. I put it down and got back to the car, deciding to stick to the old-fashioned way and get a feel for what was wrong with it. Just like dad used to do.
With my foot on the gas I revved the engine good. It sounded better than I’d expected, like a beast waking up from deep sleep. But there was also something rattling around under the hood, something loose knocking around inside the carburetor or possibly even the manifold.
I tried a few options, opening up this and that, until I narrowed it down to something completely unexpected: the transmission.
With considerable force I managed to open up the transmission, and sure enough I found something inside. Something dark and red. I pulled it out and studied it under the light. It looked like a small rock covered in old transmission fluid. How it got in there I didn’t have a clue. But I decided to clean it off and get a better look at it, in case it pointed to a bigger problem. As I walked it to the slop sink, I noticed the whispering, usually a dull static during the day, had started to grow louder. I could almost make out individual words now. But I ignored it and ran the small rock under the faucet, watching the dark red fluid swirl down the drain.
That was when I discovered something I wasn’t prepared for. The thing in my hand wasn’t a rock- it was a tooth.
A human tooth.
The whispers had grown so loud I could barely hear myself think, barely feel the disgust rising in the pit of my stomach. With the whispers practically shouting in my ear I dropped the tooth and it bounced and clattered inside the sink, coming to a rest near the edge of the drain.
The whispers grew quiet again. A dull roar tickling at the back of my skull. I stared at it, the tooth in the sink, the impossible tooth from the impossible car. I had the urge to throw it out. To get it out of my house and never see it again. But I didn’t do that. I couldn’t tell you why not.
Maybe because that meant touching it again.
Maybe something else.
Feeling like I should give the car a rest, I worked on getting my code reader working again, otherwise I’d have to run to the store and buy a new one. I changed out the batteries and gave it a good, solid whack. A few seconds later I was happy to see the screen turn on. I thought I’d have to do a factory reset to use it again but I was surprised to find it worked perfectly fine. Not only that, the trouble codes it had read off the car were still stored in its memory.
There were pages and pages of codes like I’d never seen in my life, more than I think are even in the tool’s programming. In fact I couldn’t find a single one of them anywhere in the manual. I figured they were probably just random numbers, and yet there was something strange about them, like they had a pattern to them. I dusted off my old computer and typed in the problem codes, figuring if I could get a better look at them I might be able to figure out their meaning. If not, I could at least print them out and show them to somebody who could.
After twenty minutes I’d barely made a dent in typing up all the codes. I gave up on the idea that I could copy them all. I pushed away from my computer and stood up, rubbing my eyes from the strain. Between the glare of the old screen and the noise in my ears, my head was killing me. It all felt so pointless. So inconsequential.
Just before I shut the computer down, I happened to glance one last time at the screen. And when I did, I noticed something that made my skin go cold.
The codes. The pattern. The numbers and letters and spaces between them. They were starting to form a face. A human face, with two eyes and a screaming-
I shut the computer down as fast as I could, then unplugged it to be safe. Then I marched to the garage and disconnected the radio, practically ripping it out of the car.
The whispers stopped.
The house was quiet.
But not for long.
For three days I told myself to get rid of that car, tow it out of my garage and dump it somewhere no one could find it. Maybe even drench it in gasoline and light a match. For three days I ignored the whispers and the doorbell and the phone calls from my shop asking when I was coming back. For three days I buried my head under the hood and worked and worked and worked.
On the fourth day, when the whispers from the radio had grown louder than my own thoughts, louder but still unclear, without words I could understand, I lost it. I threw my wrench at the tool wall, knocking down chisels and socket wrenches and a dozen other tools clattering to the ground. I pounded on my ears, cursing them, willing them to go deaf and stop hearing the whispers.
But they didn’t stop hearing. And the whispers didn’t stop. So I decided. I decided that if I couldn’t stop hearing them, I at least needed to know what they were saying.
I went back to the slop sink. The tooth was still there, perched near the edge of the drain. I’d prayed for it to slip down and wash away on its own but there it was, round and sharp and real as ever. So I picked it up, and the whispers grew louder. Clearer. But still not clear enough to hear. Not enough to make out what the radio was saying. To understand what it wanted from me. It was like a broken antenna, only tuning in half the frequency.
The garage was a mess. I was a mess. Rancid grease stains everywhere. A hole in my tool wall where the wrench had struck it, the ground littered with hammers and screwdrivers and …
Pliers.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed the pliers from the ground, shoved it onto my mouth, got a good hold of my bad tooth, and ripped it out. It was easier than I expected, but it still hurt, and it bled a lot. But I didn’t hesitate. I pushed the tooth I’d found in the transmission into its place.
The moment I did, it was as if everything came into focus. As if the radio was inside my skull. No, as if my skull was the radio, and I was the antenna. I could hear the transmission clear as day now, a man’s voice inside my head.
Whispering to me.
Telling me where to find the rest of him.
I told you all of this, not because I expect you to believe me, but because I’m about to walk out my door and do something I might not come back from. And if that’s the case, if I don’t return today or any other day from this thing I need to do, I want people to know why.
Because I find things. I find things and fix them. If you don’t know that, you don’t know me.

"Get back to work."

Death

Created from the deepest void, the entity known as "Death" has existed since the dawn of time alongside his equals, Time and Life. His work in the universe started out as a small family business, reaping the souls of the living by his own bony hand over billions of years. But over time Death had grown weary and his scythe elbow had only gotten worse; that's when he had the brilliant idea to create the Sorrows, beings of death who would do the work for him, while he took his spot as CEO of Death Incorporated. Unfortunately, the Sorrows have begun to grow out of control and are more focused on reaping as many souls as possible, causing Death to literally become buried in paperwork. So it's time for Death to take up his loyal cloak, his magical Pitbook, and his trusty scythe once more so he can remind the Sorrows who's in charge and take down the mysterious being who seeks to use his Sorrows to depose him as CEO of Death Incorporated.

Direct Feats

Strength

• Can break through walls with his weapons or by dashing through them.
  
• Can swing weapons that are bigger and heavier than his own body
  
• Can shatter the head of Rocksters which are solid stone
  

Durability

• Can tank a nuclear ballistic missile
  
• Is completely unharmed from a blast that destroys the Modern Warfare Department which is big enough to have its own artificial sky
  

Speed

• Can dodge RPG shots
  
• Can dodge bullets from machine guns
  
• Can temporarily outrun a ballistic missile
  
• Can dodge lightning from a living storm cloud
  

Scaling Feats

• Defeated the Natural Disaster Department's Sorrow, Catherine Immamura, who can cause solar winds, floods, and cause meteors to rain down with just a snap of her fingers
  
• Defeated Time who is powerful enough to destroy a being capable of manipulating a quantic distortion, which is an alternate timeline, with a wave of his hand
  
• Defeated Life who was created from infinite energy
  

Weapons

Death may have started his career with nothing more than his basic scythe and a handful of magic spells. but over the years he's expanded his repertoire of deadly weapons. What's more, Death has a variety of different scythes (and some non scythes) to choose as his main weapon due to its transformation feature. Though Death has countless weapons at his disposal, we only see 71 in the game. Every weapon also has its own Frenzy attack which is a super powerful move that is charged up as Death deals damage.

The Scythe:

His trusty blade that can cut through space, time, and the elements. Death can summon his blade by holding out his hand as it flies towards him or he can simply have it teleport to him. Death can also stand in place to charge up his energy for a powerful charge attack

• The Diss Scythe: A variation of the basic scythe that allows Death to attack from further away.
  
• Twinsie: A variation of the basic scythe that prioritizes power over speed due to its second blade.
  
• Sickles: A pair of sickles that allow Death to attack at higher speeds in exchange for less range.
  
• Billhooks: A pair of blades that Death can throw at enemies before they return to his hands just like a boomerang
  
• Parasol 1.0: An enchanted parasol that can not only stab through foes with brutal efficiency but can also act as a shield/deflector.
  
• Seletine: Has slower attack speed but by slamming the mace end into the ground, Death can boost the power of his next attack.
  

The Cloak:

A sentient flying cloak that prefers to stay wrapped around Death's shoulders, the cloak not only lets Death turn invisible but can also transform into a variety of deadly weapons. It even protects him from the elements.

• Behammorth: A powerful hammer that's bigger than Death himself that hits hard in exchange for its slow attack speed.
  
• Brutumhammer: An upgrade of the Behammorth that lets Death slam it into the ground, launching stones all around him.
  
• Shake Spear: A long range spear that Death uses to attack foes with a three-pronged combo.
  
• Jabelin: A spear that Death uses to launch himself forward towards enemies, impaling anyone in his way.
  
• Sisword: A blade that Death uses to quickly jump in the air before diving at foes at lightning speeds.
  
• Drageanor: The sister to the Sisword, this blade allows Death to launch sharp projectiles with each swing.
  
• Slaymore: A giant sword that Death swings as he jumps in the air before slamming it down on the ground.
  
• Slaygore: Similar in size to the Slaymore, the Slaygore allows Death to slam the blade into the ground and send out an electrical shockwave. Can also be used to launch projectiles when swung mid air.
  
• Whirl Daggers: A pair of poisoned blades that Death uses to stab anyone nearby.
  
• Daggust: Death uses powerful gusts of wind to move back and forth in a flurry of sharp blades.
  
• Kaze-Kunai: Death throws out pairs of rapid-fire daggers (that are sharper than any metal on the surface) in a straight line. Death can summon an unlimited amount of these weapons.
  
• Arashi-Kunai: Death summons half a dozen daggers in front of him before launching them in a straight line. Death can summon an unlimited amount of these weapons.
  
• Ferral Fists: A pair of powerful arms that crush whoever is between its giant hands.
  
• Raparrier: A rapier that Death uses to brutally stab anyone in front of him. Should anyone wield this object then they will be consumed by an unstoppable rage until they stab someone with this blade. Death is immune to this effect.
  
• Dirty Dagger: A small dagger that, if stabbed in the back, injects you with a metallic substance that attacks your vital organs.
  
• Rocket Launcher: A rocket launcher that holds a malicious soul within, amplifying its power.
  
• Revelation Bow: A deadly bow and arrow shot with extreme efficiency. Death can summon an unlimited amount of arrows.
  
• Fire Bow: Similar to the Revelation Bow but with a slight homing effect on its arrows. Death can summon an unlimited amount of arrows.
  
• Death Star: A vicious looking morning star that Death had made after almost getting into a fight with a strange, cloaked, old man who kept bragging about his new "secret" space base while at a seminar.
  
• Murray of Crows: Death summons a murder of crows to surround him, damaging anything nearby.
  
• Vampire Battery: Death electrocutes himself and anyone nearby while also shooting out electrified bats at random. Death is not harmed by this.
  
• Beasteel: Death summons spider-like limbs from his back before jumping onto nearby enemies. Can also shoot out projectiles when used mid air.
  
• Excavor: Giant steel blades surge out of the ground around Death, impaling anyone nearby.
  

Pitbook:

A fireproof, floating, magical book that is filled with all kinds of magical spells that Death has learned over the years. It follows Death around like a loyal dog and if opened by anyone else other than Death, the only text visible will read: "WOOF! WOOFWOOOF! GRRR!"

Each of Death's spells consume a portion of his max mana reserves that automatically fills back up unless fully drained in which case it refills after a few seconds. While he starts the game with a low amount of mana that can be increased with items, this appears to be a gameplay mechanic as he is described as being able to increase his mana reserves at will and far beyond what the game will allow with the Focus spell.

• Fire Arrow: A simple fireball spell.
  
• Dark Talons: Summons a clawed hand from a creature named Charlie that grabs foes and pulls them closer to Death.
  
• Explosion: Causes an explosion.
  
• Poisoned Gift: Death throws two balls of venom made up of all the venoms of every snake found on the surface, poisons excreted from all the most lethal spiders who have ever existed, and a hint of wild mint for flavor.
  
• Boomerang Hex: Death shoots curved pure mana that then comes back around like a boomerang. Can launch more than one at a time.
  
• Myriad of Stars: Death summons a handful of miniature stars that then fly forward.
  
• Shockwave: Death releases an energy wave all around him.
  
• Spitfire: Pitbook shoots out a trail of fire on the ground.
  
• Poison Mist: A poison cloud of gas so powerful that it can poison a being made of pure toxic sludge. Can summon more than one cloud at a time.
  
• Boulderain: Summons boulders out of thin air and rain down on enemies.
  
• Mordicine: Death ingests a pill that hurts him in exchange for increased damage.
  
• Sacrifix: Death deals slight damage to himself over a period of a few seconds in exchange for two cups of Koffee (healing items)
  
• Vladislaw: Heals Death but reduces his maximum health with each use.
  
• Aleistar: A magical time bomb.
  
• Dark Claws: Summons Charlie's claws to rip and tear at foes.
  
• Bees: Death summons a pair regular bees that chase after foes. Can summon more than one pair at a time.
  
• Moskillto: A pair of magically enhanced mosquitos that chase after foes. Can summon more than one pair at a time.
  
• Star Raving Mad: Summons a meteor shower to rain down on foes.
  
• Skyfall: Lightning bolts rain down in front of Death.
  
• Makeshift Rockets: Death shoots a magical firework that explodes on impact.
  
• Piercing Ray: Death shoots out beams of light that home in on foes.
  
• Spiteful Chomper: Summons one of Charlie's mouths that crawl forward, chomping on anything in their path. Can summon more than one at a time.
  
• Starry Halo: Summons two stars that temporarily spin around Death, damaging anything that comes near. Can summon more than one pair at a time.
  
• Firescreamer: Pitbook shoots out a stream of fire in front of Death.
  
• Soul Razor: Opens a vortex that damages enemies within while enhancing Death's damage.
  
• Focus: Temporarily increases Death's mana regeneration speed while also temporarily increasing his max health and mana reserves.
  
• Voracious Burst: A spell that lowers Death's maximum health in return for summoning a spectral mouth in front of Death that heals Death equal to the 15% damage dealt.
  
• Ganglion X-4: Summons spiked balls that can bounce around for a few seconds before disappearing. Can summon more than one at a time.
  
• Frostbreeze: Shoots out a freezing gust of wind that also inflicts Frozen which slows down foes
  
• EyeSeeYou: Summons one of Charlie's eyeballs that acts as a turret, shooting projectiles at an enemy before disappearing after a few seconds. Can summon more than one at a time.
  
• Wishtorm: Shoots down golden bolts of lightning powered by wish magic that can destroy every layer of reality.
  
• Frostoxic: Causes a bunch of ice spikes to shoot out of the ground.
  
• Tempus Abjuratum: Traps foes in a bubble of stopped time.
  
• Sepulchral Ray: Fires a beam of damaging purple energy that inflicts the Arcane effect which deals additional damage after five layers of arcane are applied to a foe.
  
• Troublecross: Shoots two rays of energy that move in a crisscross formation.
  
• Wizzalch Barrage: Brings down several lightning bolts on the foe's head.
  
• Tornadmin: Launches a Mach 2 cyclone at foes that is full of sharp edged papers.
  
• Lyberis Skulls: Summons exploding skulls around Death, damaging foes.
  
• Nihilaser: The strongest laser in Death's arsenal, it can destroy all forms of existence in the universe when used correctly.
  
• Anvilaunch: Death uses telekinesis to rip out one ton's worth of metal from the ground and throws it at foes while it's in the shape of an anvil.
  
• Void Rift: Tears a hole in the fabric of reality above a foe's head as several of Charlie's fists come flying through, smashing anything beneath them.
  

Miscellaneous Powers

• Time Travel: Various weapon lore entries make mention of Death's ability to travel through time and space at will.
  
• Healing: Death can heal 15% of his total health with the use of bursts of life essence called Animas. Death can only hold three of them at a time.
  
• Resurrection: Death is never the end for this CEO and if his body should ever be destroyed then Death will reappear right back at his desk, ready to give it the old college try once again.
  
• Head Removal: Death can remove his head without issue.
  
• Damaging Non-Physical Beings: It's no surprise that Death can attack ghosts, but he's also capable of hurting and killing living fire, living water and living clouds as well
  
• Resistance To Time Manipulation: Time's own time stop attack can only hold Death for a few seconds
  
• Dashing makes him immune to damage, allowing him to dash through enemies and attacks
  
• Can float above the ground
  

Curses

Death can also gain various curses which (despite the name) amplify his stats, scythe, cloak, magic, or give him new abilities outright. As there are 243 curses available, I will only be including those that aren't reliant on gameplay mechanics and can be translated into lore (such as a curse that doubles defense) and will only include the best version of a curse (meaning that if there is a curse that triples Death's damage then I will not post a curse that only doubles his damage).

• And My Axe!: Every time Death uses a Cloak based weapon, an axe is launched from his cloak.
  
• Knave of Swords: Summons a small flying scythe that moves around Death.
  
• Praised Be The Bombcloak!: Every time Death uses a Cloak based weapon, a bomb is launched from his cloak.
  
• MC Scythe: Death can ignore pain while attacking.
  
• Astral Claws: Every few seconds, the foe (or a random foe if there is more than one) will be attacked by invisible claws.
  
• Soul Sucker: After taking damage, a percentage of any damage that Death deals in the next two seconds is gained as health.
  
• Tyrannical Boss: After taking damage, the next attack that Death lands deals 200% more damage
  
• Social Toxicity: All of Death's attacks inflict poison on foes.
  
• Burning Up: Death's attacks burns foes.
  
• Perish The Thought...: Death's attacks inflict Frozen on foes, slowing them down.
  
• Millanima Eye: Death gains two extra Anima slots.
  
• Burn-Out Channeling: Being damaged increases the Frenzy gauge.
  
• A Spoonful Of Suger: Every attack has a 10% chance of freezing an enemy in time. Both this curse and Tempus Abjuratum are strong enough to work on Time himself.
  
• Anima Lambic: Consuming an Anima grants Death temporary regeneration.
  
• Eye For An Eye: Being damaged grants Death temporary regeneration.
  
• Tooth For A Tooth: Being damaged grants Death a 30% chance of gaining an Anima.
  
• Straw Helm: Doubles Death's defense.
  
• Animoolah: Golden Animas fully heal Death.
  
• Corvus Nefas: Being damaged launches crows towards the nearest foe.
  
• Flash Of Brilliance: Every attack causes the target to be struck by lightning.
  
• Conflagrations: Using a spell causes explosions to appear around Death.
  
• Iranima: Using an Anima fills up Death's Frenzy bar by 50%.
  
• Crow Cover: Using a spell launches crows towards the nearest foe.
  
• Imminent Burnout: The Cloak periodically launches crows towards the nearest foe.
  
• Social Security: Death is invincible for one second after taking damage.
  
• Imminent Reverie: Death periodically creates another Anima.
  
• Zeus's Wrath: Being damaged causes the foe to be struck by lightning.
  
• Static Electricity: Using a Cloak based weapon causes the nearest foe to be struck by lightning.
  
• Stroke of Luck: Death will survive a fatal attack as long as he's not one hit away from death. This effect will continue as long as this is the case.
  

Now that as an employee you know everything there is to know about the CEO himself it is high time that you got to work filtering souls for the great beyond. So swallow your feelings and put on a smile because the first day of the end of your life begins...now.
Welcome To The Afterlife