“I stared into the void, and stared back.” I’ve always liked that saying, very versatile in its uses. It can be a metaphor for a primal fear of the unknown, the great infinite of space perhaps, or even for staring death in the face. In my case it is the latter, I just know that I am so fucking dead and it hurts so god damn bad. Back to earlier however is probably a better place to get started.
So I was just minding my own damn business in my truck on the way home from a job interview in the city with the windows down and the smells of the forest in my face, pretty nice if I say so myself. When suddenly a flash out shinned the sun by about a factor of a hundred or so appeared, blinding, but not quite enough to do permanent damage. I slammed on my brakes filling my nose with burning rubber and my ears with that unholy sound, note, I was not going slow. I grunted in pain as I held my eyes shut with a hand over them, tears streaming out and I had that damn effect in my sight, like when you stare at a light bulb too long. After a minute or two letting my eyes recover the air was filled with a different noise, a slow building electric sound and after a few seconds the most earth shattering boom replaced it, the explosion was so powerful I felt winds whipping through my open windows and felt my teeth chattering. By this point I was able to open my tear filled eyes again as I frantically began looking around to see what the hell was going on, then I spotted it, a ship so colossal that it can only be described as biblical in proportion, as if it threatens to swallow the sky itself. I then look down the mountain to see the city I had just come from with huge pillars of black smoke streaking into the sky, like fingers grasping towards the alien craft in the sky, which had now begun falling apart? No those were shuttles, black oval shapes with streaks of blue contrasting the orange sky of the setting sun “... Fucking what?” was all I could say as the sight lay before me, all I could think is that this wasn’t real, there is no way that this could be happening it’s far to cliche, I mean come on a giant alien ship shows up with a flash of light and starts shooting fucking lasers, with god knows how many smaller craft descending upon the earth. Yet… Here I was, so I needed to run, or rather drive, as fast as I could back home, so that’s exactly what I did, wiping the water from my eyes. I punched it much to the protest of my old truck. As I picked up speed I stare into the rearview mirror trying to get a better view of the massive ship, it’s blocky in a vaguely rectangular shape with the middle being wider and falling in sizes by blocks as it moved to both sides with many reflective surfaces at the end of barely visible barrels, and various random glowing lights dotted around the ship. I soaked up as much of the sight as I could before the trees blocked my view of the sky as I sped faster and faster into the forest towards home.
A short drive normally now felt like eons to reach my home in the forest, it wasn’t deep in the woods but it wasn’t just on the border either. I slowed down as I spotted the old rusted mailbox in my gravel driveway before making a sharp left. As I heard the stones crunch beneath me I looked in the mirrors in attempts to spot any strange hunk of metal following me, much to my relief I saw nothing but trees and bugs. As I parked the truck I sat for a second, catching my breath and continuing to look around, my small one story house was tucked in the woods with only 20 feet between it and the tree line and with how the driveway turned there was no way you could see it from the road. I took one last breath and held it for a few seconds before swinging the truck door open and jumping out before running for my fucking life towards my front door, I heard the gravel crushing beneath my shoes and that's it, normally there's at least one bird or the beginning of a cricket’s chorus, but nothing. I came to a halt and quickly jammed my key in the front door, fumbling a couple times but getting it in eventually, it didn't help that my hands were sweating profusely and shaking. I flung the door open and myself inside making sure to relock the heavy ass door, before sprinting like a mad man for my room on the left side of the house. But then I heard it, the sound not too dissimilar to a hurricane outside, looking out the window through the kitchen I saw one of those pods I saw swarming down from the mothership, the body was vaguely oval shaped with a cockpit raised up front through a 45 degree incline, it also had deployed its landing gear and a large door on the left had opened. There was no fucking way I was going to make it to my room, open the safe, load the gun and fire, so I made a horrible decision, I lunged into my kitchen and grabbed the handle of my biggest knife with my left hand while I heard a small explosion at my front door. As I unsheathed the knife from the block I heard things being knocked over in my hallway, but no footsteps strangely. I turned and ran back into my hallway as I heard yelling in some strange language. I looked to my right and saw what can only be described as lamia’s in sci-fi armor pointing a big ass gun at me, the face unseen behind its visor, her visor? It has boobs, but maybe the males of the aliens have boobs and higher voices too. A loud crack and the most horrible pain in my left shoulder and time begins to slow down, and that's where I am now.
Adrenaline is quick to act in dulling pain, but not instant as I learned in this moment. As I look at the creature I see that it is at least 8’ 2’’ and god knows how long with its winding tail. My head is agonizingly slow as I turn to look left, all I see is red, my red spilling from the open wound, blood, that’s the word blood, my blood is spilling out of me in liters. I reach over to the wound and begin grabbing for the stump, there is yelling in the background, I cannot find something that obviously feels like my bicep so I just grab something, falling to my knees. It's hard to breathe now. Something is rising and falling in the wound, wait, that’s my lung, I release it as a horrible taste enters my mouth, I can taste my spleen, that's not good, I think as I slowly turn my head to my murderer. Fear, fear is all I can feel, fear, agony, and rage. There are two of them, maybe more, one is screaming its own lungs out at the one who shot me. I wait there for what feels like years before a third alien shoves both of them aside and slithers up to me, the air is cold now, I swear it was 90 just an hour ago. I fall on my ass as I try to back away from the thing approaching, I try to push away from it but I lack the blood in my body to move my muscles. It turns to the other two and screams at the fighting pair, it then turns to me and lowers its voice in a soothing manner talking to me. It’s hard to keep my eyes open, maybe death will be warmer than here. It opens a large white package and scoops blue goop out of it, I have not the strength to resist as it slathers the stuff all over the gaping hole in my ribcage. The substance makes contact and is unexpectedly warm, but it stings worse than any wasp. Time begins to make its way back to reality, seconds slowly feel like minutes before returning to their former perception. I turn to see my wound and am stopped by a gentle hand and a kind voice speaking an unknown tongue. I slowly close my eyes, surely this is the end, I am dying now, all turns to black as I feel tears I didn’t know I cried, roll down my cheek.

So yesterday I was bit by a dog on my route. Told dispatch, they said call LMET. After that I looked for the first aid kit and realized there wasn’t one in the van. Told dispatch that. I didn’t tell them I need to RTS which I should have, I asked them “what should I do?” They said “wash it off and continue with route, will send help when available.” I got one rescue and they took 25 stops from my 157 stop route. I continued and messaged them an hour later, “Hey I’m doing the best I can but my legs still in a lot of pain. With no first aid kit the sun is drying my wound making it hurt even more.” They brushed it off and didn’t respond to my medical needs. When I did finish I returned to the desk and once again the managers didn’t say anything. I clocked out and rushed home to clean and dress the bite. Today I messaged DSP about how they’ll cover my medical fees and they said they’ll send me to Med7 clinics through their insurance. I’m going to call animal control tomorrow because they are closed today. Then I suppose the next step is finding a lawyeattorney. I’ll keep you guys updated on how this goes. I know this happens to a lot of us and we often don’t get taken care of like we should. Let me know if you have any questions or advice. 💯

The writer has made use of many techniques and devices to describe Ugwu's impressions of the city.
Firstly, the author has utilised hyperbolic verbs to describe Ugwu's impressions ofㅓㄷ the city. The author writes, 'too choked with expectation' , 'itched to lay his ch eek.' The use of verbs like 'choked' and 'itched' are used by the author to greatly exaggerate Ugwu’s emotions of ecstasy and excitement, they serve as a method of telling the reader that Ugwu has positive impressions of the city.
Secondly, the author has excluded conjunctions in the first part of the extract. 'Ugwu did not believe…the back of his neck.' The author excluding conjunction[s] creates the impression that Ugwu is so amazed by the city as asyndeton heightens pace and excitement.
Thirdly, the author has made use of parataxis to show Ugwu's positive impressions of the city. 'But he did not mind. He was prepared to walk more in even hotter sun.' The use of short sentences places emphasis on Ugwu’s shock of the conditions of the city.
Finally, the author has made use of similes to convey Ugwu's amazement. The author writes 'like polite well-dressed men' ; ' like tables wrapped with leaves.' The use of similes with positive connotations, 'well-dressed', conveys the idea that Ugwu only has positive thoughts about the city, [this is supported by an absence of information stating otherwise].
_____
0 4
Focus this part of your answer on the second part of the source, from line 20 to the end. A student said, ‘From the moment he arrives at Master’s compound, the writer portrays Ugwu’s feelings of pure excitement, but by the end it seems that he may be very disappointed.’
To what extent do you agree?
In your response, you could:
• consider your own impressions of Ugwu’s feelings
• evaluate how the writer describes Ugwu’s feelings by the end
• support your response with references to the text.
[20 marks]
One way the author has conveyed this impression is through the way they ended the story. At the end of this extract they wrote 'Ugwu stood by the door, waiting,' this contrasts to the previous 'choked with expectations.' In the end it seems Ugwu’s expectations were grossly inflated which may in the end lead to him becoming very disappointed.
On the other hand, there are moments where it is possible that Ugwu may have been emotionally neutral. The author has written quite vaguely, not allowing the reader to truly know whether Ugwu was disappointed or not, however, judging as Ugwu’s expectations are based off of his imagination and greeness, it is likely that he isn't disappointed but instead shocked and as a result putting on a more realistic mindset. Ugwu is constantly amazed, although, his master doesn't seem very welcoming 'faintly distracted expression,' 'oblivious that he had just asked people in.' It has little to no relation to his expectations, ' something sweet,' 'good fortune,' 'like a necklace,''never seen a room so wide.' Ugwu still only being amazed shows that he as a matter of fact isn't disappointed.
Another reason he may not be disappointed is because of the reason for his excitement. Ugwu is excited to to be in a place so different from where he is from ,'thatch roof,', the author has portrayed Ugwu as not excited for for the job or for the master, but, for the new experience, this is evident throughout the extract, 'the lawn glistened,' 'shaped like slender hills,' the use of similes being used to compare the setting places emphasis on the idea that it is not the master or the job that excites Ugwu, meaning that he can't be disappointed with for having a lackluster master[, or for something he doesn't seem very keen on in the first place].
It could also be said however, that Ugwu is disappointed. Whilst this isn't said or *noticed* in the extract it can be inferred from the extract. This inference could be made from Ugwu’s master's response to him which almost demeaned Ugwu, 'the child?,' 'remember something more important.' The use of the comparative 'more important' means that the Master doesn't view Ugwu as anything important, and so the reader infers that in response to that Ugwu feels depressed and slightly disappointed as things might not be as 'sweet' as he had previously thought.
In conclusion, I do agree with the student's statement as the sudden juxtaposition/change in mood has led me to believe that before he was cheery and after he was disappointed or melancholic.
​
---
Q2
If there are few moments in life that come as clear and as pure as ice, when the mountain breathed back at her, Zoe knew that she had trapped one such moment and that it could never be taken away. Everywhere was snow and silence. Snow and silence; the complete arrest of life; a rehearsal and a pre-echo of death. She pointed her skis down the hill. They looked like weird talons of brilliant red and gold in the powder snow as she waited, ready to swoop. I am alive. I am an eagle.
How does the writer use language here to describe Zoe’s feelings?
You could include the writer’s choice of:
• words and phrases
• language features and techniques
• sentence forms.
[8 marks]
The writer to describe Zoe’s feelings has made use of a variety of language devices and techniques. How the author has done so will be explored in this 8 mark question.
Firstly, the author has made use of a perspective switch to describe her feelings. The author writes 'she waited, ready to swoop. I am alive. I am an eagle.' The noun 'eagle' has connotations of of freedom and exhilaration. The author has switched the perspective to place emphasis on these connotations, saying that Zoe feels free and exhilarated,[additionally,] another way emphasis is placed on this is the switch to the first person perspective which personalises Zoe’s situation for the reader making it easy to understand that perhaps Zoe does feel free.
Secondly, the author has described Zoe’s feelings through the use of repetition. The author writes 'every where was snow and silence.' The repetition of 'snow' and 'silence' places emphasis on the idea that snow was all there was for her creating an impression of total serenity, making the reader think that Zoe is at total peace.
Lastly, the author has made use of parataxis and asyndeton. The author writes 'snow and silence; the complete arrest of life; a rehearsal.' The use of asyndeton and parataxis both create excitement and increase the pace of the story which may have been included by the author to replicate Zoe’s feelings, namely that of excitement.

Evening all, happy Sunday.
I am starting a new boarder which will have espalier apples trees at the back but they won’t arrive until next year. I have a lot of space where the trees will go and I would like to fill it with some bright and colourful plants which will flower over the next few months.
The boarder is in normal soil which drains well, it get full morning sun and dappled shade in the afternoon. I’ve already planned to plant 10 sunflowers at the back of the boarder which should grow to 200cm so it will be anything up to 100cm tall which can go in front of it.
I already have some Alaskan Shasta daisies growing in front of where the trees will grow, and I am planning on planting some lavender.
Any suggestions would be fantastic!
Thanks.

Greetings, fellow Soulsborne lovers, need some advice. I've played (in this rough order) Sekiro, Bloodborne, Dark Souls 3, Elden Ring, and very recently Demon's Souls Remake. I have thoroughly enjoyed all of them, and my favorite is easily Bloodborne, like many others. Now that PlayStation Days of Play is underway, is it the time to buy and play DS1R and maybe even Scholar of the First Sun? I've heard both negatives and positives about both, so personal experience would be appreciated. Thanks!

Dragonglass is a semi-hardcore, 18+, progression-minded guild located on our home server of Illidan. We value teamwork and unity and strive to achieve and succeed together, not apart. We consider ourselves more than just a World of Warcraft guild, we support each other through life as well as in video games outside of World of Warcraft. Many of us are long-time gamers, with some dating back to the original days of vanilla World of Warcraft. We have a wide variety of ages, from the low-20s all the way up to the mid-70s. We are home to hardcore, semi-hardcore, and casual players as well and strive to have a place for everyone within Dragonglass---whether Mythic keys are your thing, progression raiding, gold-farming, PvP, or even just relaxing with friends.
Night's Watch (Fri/Sat 8-11 CST) is our progression, hardcore mythic raid team. Each member of Night's Watch is held to high standards within the guild. This team is highly competitive, and each member thrives under pressure. Every member of Night's Watch strives to achieve and perform at their best, both for the betterment of themselves and the betterment of the team. Currently looking for any exceptional dps or healer.
King's Guard (Sat/Sun 6:30-9:00 CST) is our progression, semi-hardcore raid team. Our biggest goal as a team each season is the Ahead of the Curve achievement with some mythic progression following the completion of heroic raid. Members of King's Guard are close-knit and aim to achieve and improve as players and as people. We aim to provide a semi-hardcore atmosphere, where members can push progression content while having a slightly more laidback atmosphere on non-progression content. Currently looking for healer, mage, rogue and/or warrior.
New Bloods (Sun 1pm CST) is our fully casual, laidback raid team. Our biggest goal is to complete normal raid each season, with some heroic progression. Most members of New Bloods are new to raiding, retired heroic/mythic raiders, trial raiders, and sometimes alts of heroic and mythic raiders. The aim of New Bloods is to teach raiding skills to new players, as well as to provide a casual and lighthearted atmosphere for raiding. New Bloods also aims to sharpen and refine skills, so that players may progress to heroic and even mythic raiding if they so choose. Currently looking for all roles.
We also have multiple Mythic+ key groups who run multiple nights a week with different levels of pushing mentality to fit every need. Our second, more casual raid group may also be of interest to those who are just looking for a chill raiding experience. We are also looking and actively recruiting people interested in PvP content as we are highly interested in forming a few PvP groups!
We are also home to our Profession Core! The Profession Core team does daily activities such as group farms, crafting fairs, and other gold-making activities. The core strives to provide items, consumables, and gold for the guild as well as aid members in making gold themselves. It is a goal of our Profession Core to be able to have every specialization covered for Dragonflight so that guild members may benefit from other guild members instead of having to look outside of the guild. We want to strive to craft the best of the best and will settle for nothing less. This team is just one way we try and create a community outside of Mythic+ and Raid.
Regardless of what has brought you to World of Warcraft, Dragonglass strives to find a home for all. We are more than just a guild, we are a community that strives to aid each other and achieve with each other. If this sounds like a good fit to you, please feel free to reach out to us and we will be more than happy to settle you in.
We are currently recruiting for all positions for M+ and normal raid, and general DPS for heroic and mythic teams.
Who to talk to:
Hagford, Recruitment Officer

• Discord - Nash#7605
• B-net - PartyHyena #1762

Slayor, Co-GM

• Discord - Slayor#3713
• B-net - Slayor#11289

Kiwi, Mythic Raid Leader

• Discord - BAEKER#1062
• B-net - Sanctumx#1988

Fenix, Heroic Raid Leader

• Discord - Raixis#8518
• B-net - Vurian#1752

Robmygrave - Mythic Team Coordinator

• Discord - CptSeaFlap#8275
• B-net - CptSeaFlap#1862

Grave - Normal Raid Lead

• Discord - Chopn Stix / Gravve Mistake#1938
• B-net - Pitsnipe#11350

You can also check us out on Guilds of WoW: https://guildsofwow.com/dragonglass

Hi. I was looking into GBA Everdrives because I have a collection of GBA games that are digital only at the moment. I was wondering if it's possible at all to have a customized interfaces on these? Even as simple as DS-like icons to be displayed next to your games.
Incredible device, but I feel booting up something like Golden Sun through a purely command prompt-esque interface would alter the vibe, yeah? I would be willing to put in the effort to make tiny file sized and GBA compatible graphics for use regardless of if they exist already, but it wouldn't matter if there's nothing you can alter.
The answer is probably very well known to people with one, but I don't. My curiosity arises out of me wondering if I should just invest in standard single game flash carts for my physical collection or not, the value of multiple games on one cart is still very much there.

--- Table of Contents ---
--- Part 1/2 ---
When Shon woke again, it was to be told he'd slept, not only the rest of the day and night of the incident, but the entire day after as well. Despite the Cleric assuring Shon that this was normal, he still had Shon eat breakfast in the infirmary while the Squires attended their morning lessons. He'd slept through drills, breakfast, and prayer.
The Cleric kept the curtains drawn over the window, though Shon's head wasn't pounding anymore, and had added a second set of standing curtains around the girl's bed. Shon's eyes flicked in her direction with every alternate bite he managed to force down, but there was no movement beyond the white cloth.
Master Daunas came in shortly before tenth bell and armor practice to inform Shon that he was to take the day off to rest but could rejoin the others in training the following day. He was at least allowed to leave the infirmary, though he waited until he could hear sparring outside before he did. He didn't want to run into any of the Squires.
As he opened the door to leave something flew by the window, catching Shon's attention enough to make him stop and look over. But it was already long gone. Just a bird... Assuming he hadn't imagined it. He shook his head, still aching all over. His mind swam with worries and memories, made worse by the fact that the Cleric was trying to hide shivers now that Shon was fully rested. He'd probably just imagined it...
Back in his room Shon huddled over his journal. He could still smell the smoke in his hair and had decided it would be best to shower soon, but finally alone, his thoughts and memories could no longer be ignored.
So he drew. He tried to start safe. Nangran atop his borrowed horse; Ivelm mostly naked and shaking a club in his doorway; the Archmage's workroom lined in shelves filled with magical components. That one had taken a while. But as he released these images onto the page, others forced themselves forward. Smoke billowing over treetops; a burning tower; charred bodies; and a girl reaching out through the flames. A girl lying asleep in the bed next to his. The stillness of the picture made her look dead.
He dropped his pencil, letting it roll right off the desk. Crossing his arms over the book, he rested his head on his desk. The wood felt warm compared to his skin, comforting. What more could he have done? What could a Paladin have done? Or Master Veon-Zih? Shon saw again the bodies and shivered.
No one could save everyone. To think otherwise was pure arrogance. But knowing the facts and feeling them were two very different things. The tower wasn’t that far from Hamerfoss. Shouldn’t they have known something was going on? Shouldn’t they have been able to do something sooner? Years sooner? Long before the fire killed those people?
A loud tapping startled him awake. When had he fallen asleep? Shon searched his room in confusion, trying to piece together his dream and what had awoken him. He'd been in the Temple chapel, but as he'd walked down the middle aisle, the pews had started to decay, the stone walls crumbling. Small plants, then trees began to sprout from the ground, overgrowing the once-holy place now in ruin. Shon pressed the heels of his hands hard into his eyes, trying to remember what had come next... A man with white hair pulled back in a ponytail had been standing at the head altar... something with leathery wings on his shoulder...
The painful screech of something sharp on glass had Shon jumping up, his chair falling to clatter on the ground behind him. He looked to his window but saw only orange sky beyond. Was the sun already setting? He knelt on the mattress and looked out the window, unsure what he expected to see. He was on the third floor, but that was definitely where the sound had come from, and the window was the only glass in the room.
Nothing but open sky.
He opened the tiny window, the pane swinging up and letting in cold and refreshing air that helped clear his mind. Master Daunas's voice bellowed orders from the courtyard below, and Shon stuck his head out to look down and see his fellows working through their dagger forms. He'd slept through lunch and afternoon lessons. And he still needed a shower.
If he hurried, he would be able to shower before the others finished their lesson. Shon left the window open and even opened his door before he remembered to grab a fresh uniform. Obviously, he still wasn't thinking clearly.
The halls were blissfully empty, and Shon could almost pretend that even if he did pass someone, their breath wouldn't show in the air. It was a short-lived fantasy, however. He managed to make it all the way to the showers, but when he opened the door a voice called, "Squire! Why aren't you... Oh..." Shon performed a sharp about face to stand at attention before the Major General.
"At ease, Squire Shon," Selibra sighed, waving him down, "Did you get enough rest?"
"Yes, Sir," Shon answered but then caught movement out of the corner of his eye, again. He hadn't managed to turn his head far enough to see before the Major General started speaking. Shon snapped his head back to give the officer his undivided attention.
"You did well, Squire. Smith Nangran told us what happened at the tower." Sir Selibra managed a strained smile that faded quickly, "If you want to talk about what you saw there... any one of us will be more than willing to listen. You shouldn't have had to experience death so soon." an image of an arm pulling away from a charred corpse flashed in Shon's vision.
Shon swallowed down the accompanying nausea at the memory and managed a nod, adding a quiet "Thank you, Sir." for good measure.
Feeling the need to scrub even more than before, Shon was grateful when the Major General left, allowing him to enter the still-open room. The shower was only mildly comforting, however. What should have been scalding water felt merely lukewarm now, the mist billowing off his truly icy skin thick enough that he could barely see the spigots. Closing his eyes, he scrubbed and tried to imagine the images flowing off of him with the filth...
Something chirped, and Shon slammed the water off. Just the pipes creaking... How much longer would he have to rest before his mind stopped playing tricks on him? But as he moved for his towel, Shon stopped in shock, his new uniform had been scattered around the benches and floor.
He hadn't heard the door open, but had heard the pipes creaking? But who here would even do something like this? Shon started to search the showers, but as he did, he heard something else—voices in the hall. The Squires were done with their practice. He still didn't want to see them and dressed quickly, rushing from the shower and slamming the door behind him.
Something thumped into the door from the other side. Shon held his breath and turned slowly. It was his imagination. It had to be. He reached for the handle again and, standing behind the swing, opened the shower slowly.
"He's been gone three days... Do you think they sent him away?" Thom's voice sounded from around a corner, and Shon jumped in surprise, pulling the door open fully as if he could hide behind it.
"No way. he's the best Squire we have, so what if he's a Sorcerer." They were talking about him... Shon definitely didn't want to see them yet. He dashed down the opposite way, taking a long way around through the Paladin's barracks and back to his room. Or that's what he'd planned before he remembered the Squires hall would be full of people now taking their break and trying to get into the shower before everyone else. His feet faltered, and he turned away again, to one of the hardly used stairs that would take him down to the rest of the fortress.
Barred from his room, Shon made his way to the place he associated the most with comfort, the chapel. It wasn't empty, three Paladins knelt in prayer near the front, but it didn't matter anymore. He felt a wash of calm as he entered the incense-filled room, the sweet-smelling smoke finally banishing the stench of burning hair from his memory.
Shon took a spot near the back, kneeling to pray as he stared up at the statue of Hengist behind the altar. He was dressed in full plate mail, his arm raised in triumph, holding his mighty sword, Darkspliter.
Shon sighed and felt himself smile for what felt like the first time in a very long time. He could tell Hengist anything and everything, and none of it out loud... But then his smile faded. What would he say...?
I'm sorry. I feel like I've been lying to everyone, to you. I've known there was something different about me, something wrong with me. That's why no one likes to touch me, why everyone pulls away at the feel of my skin, like it's somehow dirty or painful. I should've realized... Should have known...
But I worked so hard... You know that, don't you? And I'm not ready to give up. I'll do whatever it takes, atone anyway I can if you just tell me how. The Major General said something about it being a sign. I want to believe he meant the unlikely convenience of Smith Nangran knowing an Archmage who could make an item so I won't have to get the tattoo. Thank you. I just hope I don't disappoint after getting a second chance...
The bell for dinner sounded. Feeling better, Shon considered going with the Paladins as they left the chapel. Until one of them shivered as they passed. "Winters right around the corner," another muttered.
"We'll need to install the heating orbs soon." the last answered before the door closed... He wasn't hungry anyway.
Please, Hengist. Don't let me hurt anyone else. Kefir was trying to help me, and I answered that kindness with pain. What if the healers hadn't gotten to him in time? Would I have smothered him in ice? Please, I'll give up everything if it means that will never happen again...
But he didn't want to give up anything. He wanted to fight, to reach his highest potential, and lead a life of meaning. He thought of Master Veon-Zih. The Monk had told him that he didn't need to be a Paladin to fight for justice, and he was living proof of that. But...
I don't want to be alone... At first, I thought I just wanted you, a god, as a guiding light in my life. But now I realize that being a Paladin gives me even more than that. It gives me brothers and friends, and I don't want to lose them either. But I especially don't want to hurt them.
Shon clenched his hands tighter, as tight as he could, digging his fingers into the spaces between his knuckles; as if external pain might dull internal strife...
They say I'm scary... And I know they aren't really joking. I can see it in their eyes and hear it in their nervous laughs when they try and make it a joke. But they only mean when they fight me... don't they? And I'll never try to hurt them. It's only sparring... they know that... don't they?
He squeezed his eyes tighter shut,
But what about now? Will they be even more afraid? Even when we aren't sparring? Can I blame them if they are?
He actually found himself waiting for an answer... Of course, none came. He wasn't a Paladin yet, and wouldn't be able to feel the god until he swore his Oath and took a piece of Hengist into himself. For now, Shon took in a deep breath, as deep as he could, then let it out slowly, relaxing his hands and face as he attempted to release his anxieties unto his god.
I won't give up. I'll fight this danger within me as hard as I will fight any threat without. I ask for your help with this. Please don't give up on me yet. I'll prove I'm worthy, I swear.
The bell ending dinner and starting study time sounded. Shon stayed in the chapel until a handful of Squires came in to pray themselves. They hesitated by the door, but Shon didn't look at them. He knew he couldn't hide forever. But he also wasn't sure what he should say to any of them. Or if he should say anything at all. Shon waited until they moved away from the door to finally stand. If he had to face any of them, he wanted it to be the ones he considered friends first.
Shon left the chapel and made his way to the library, fighting the urge to just go back to his room. Heads swiveled in his direction the moment he opened the library door. Shon flinched, sucking in a sharp breath and holding it, pulling his energy in as best he could.
He stepped in, and the Squires exchanged looks, but then the Paladin on library duty coughed, and they quickly went back to reading.
His typical spot was available as usual, so Shon made his way there. The others would want to talk after... and if not, he would just go back to his room. Distracted by his continued worries -and the silent effort to hold his energy in- Shon still heard when something behind him hissed along the stone.
He spun quickly, scanning the floor. This time he definitely wasn't imagining it...
"Squire Shon... Shouldn't you be resting?" He turned back to find the Squires trying to make it seem like they weren't staring at him, while the Paladin who called looked openly concerned.
Shon's cheeks flushed, now feeling cool rather than warm. Another change... He cleared his throat, "No, Sir..." and when the Paladin's worried expression didn't let up, Shon added, "I've been resting all day."
"Three days..." Zihler muttered.
Shon met his eyes and the Squire smiled, but Shon couldn't tell if the expression seemed strained or not. He nodded anyway, taking his seat alone at the table by the window.
Books on their current subject of study were already laid out, and he pulled one forward, opening it without checking the title. As he read, he could hear the others occasionally whisper and even caught snippets of what they were saying,
"I found another one. Do you think this will be enough?" Thom asked.
"We have the rest of the hour; we should find all we can," Rerves answered. It didn't sound like they were studying, but Shon had missed three days of lessons; maybe they were working on an assignment... He went back to his reading. He would get any missed work tomorrow.
When the bell rang that would finally begin their last hour of free time, Shon closed his book. It would be best to just go to bed early; everyone seemed to think he should be resting anyway; they could talk after he got the sealing item... But he hadn't stood yet when his six closest friends jumped up, books in hand, and crowded around him, preventing him from leaving. From running away.
"We're glad you're okay." Rehlien blurted out.
"The Major General told us what happened," Baradin added.
Shon looked from him to Kefir and took in a sharp breath, "I'm..." he started to apologize, but Kefir interrupted with a broad smile,
"I'm fine. I even got a day off for it. I didn't need it though, they healed me up right away."
Rerves placed his book down on Shon's table, "It was just really surprising, you know? But hey! Now we know why you're so cold all the time."
Shon looked down at the massive tome on the table, not wanting to meet their eyes. He didn't know what to make of what they were saying. There was no way it was okay. How could they be alright with a dangerous magic user that could kill them all on accident...
"We found these. We thought they might make you feel a little better," Thom whispered, stacking his book on top of Rerves' and opening it to a page he'd marked with a ripped piece of scrap paper. It wasn't a textbook, it was a record book. Shon furrowed his brows down at the page, reading 'Sir Patrich, served 4876-4929, died 4955. Paladin of Hengist, General. Air Sorcerer...'
Shon looked up to find them all smiling down at him. Zihler set his book down over Thom's, opened to another personal record, "This one was a fire Sorcerer, and they're supposed to be the most destructive."
Rehlien took Baradin and Kefir's books and stacked them with his own beside the open records. He ran his fingers over the slew of bookmarks sticking out of the closed pages, "All Sorcerers and Paladins." Rehlien said.
"Master Daunas said you would be back in a few days, but just in case we wanted to find these for you," Thom explained in a rush, "You know... in case the officers or Mages needed to be convinced..."
Baradin cleared his throat before he spoke, clasping his hands behind his back, "We haven't found any ice Sorcerers yet, but they're also the rarest, so that really shouldn't be surprising."
"Yeah, and there are plenty of fire who are crazy dangerous even when they're trained," Kefir added quickly.
Shon could feel a burning in his eyes and blinked furiously, looking away from his friends. He wouldn't cry.. he wouldn't. "Thank you..." he managed to croak out, finally giving in and rubbing his eyes. None of them commented on his show of emotion, or the frost clouding his window.
Rerves took the seat across from him with a smile, "So, what type of familiar do you think you'll get?"
Shon managed to stop blinking enough to arch an eyebrow. Hadn't Ivelm said something about a familiar too?
"I bet you it'll be something really lame." Zihler laughed, "To balance Shon's badassness."
"Squire!" the Paladin librarian barked, "Pushups! Now!"
Zihler groaned, mumbling as he stepped back to perform the punishment, "How do they always do that?"
"Divine hearing," Rehlien snickered as Zihler started the pushups, "Probably only works for curses, though."
"You can join him," the Paladin called without looking up from his book, and Rehlien groaned, dropping down next to Zihler.
"Seriously though," Rerves said, ignoring the boys huffing and puffing through their punishment, "Familiars are animals, they're supposed to be even closer to their Sorcerer than a Paladin and their mount! Like an extension of yourself. You can see through their eyes and talk to them with your mind. It's awesome!"
Thom actually blushed, confessing, "We read up on it a bit over the last two days..."
They knew more about what he was than he did. Shon actually smiled, starting, "I don't..." but chittering, like a particularly loud squirrel, interrupted him. The Squires all swiveled their heads to look around, Rehlien and Zihler jumping to their feet with the Paladin, who stood so quickly his chair fell over. The chittering turned to chirping, and then to a purr, as Shon finally found what was making the noise.
On top of the bookshelf closest to the door, sat a tiny dragon.
The size of a large barn cat, its scales were mostly brown but had streaks and blotches of red and orange, like the few deciduous trees that still held their leaves in autumn. Its leathery wings were folded against its back and its front claws grasped the edge of the bookshelf. Its long tail, complete with a scorpion-like stinger, flicked back and forth, its sinuous neck held high as it surveyed the library.
Some of the Squires let slip breaths of wonder, and the little dragon seemed to preen at the attention, holding its head a little higher and purring even louder. The Paladin, however, stepped around his desk and commanded, "Stay back, Squires," before he started chanting. The little dragon tilted its head at the Paladin, as curious as the rest of them. A moment later, the knight's spell washed over them to fill the room, sending a shiver down Shon's spine and making more than one of the other Squires shudder.
The little dragon let out another string of chittering and hissed down at the Paladin, whose eyes went wide as he announced in a breath, "It's real."
"How did it get in?" a senior Squire asked. Shon started to stand but then fell back again as images flooded into his mind. He watched a window opening from outside the fortress, and saw himself lean out. Then the image shifted, and he saw himself digging under his bed for a new uniform and towel as the him that was watching slipped out the door. It shifted again, and he saw himself in the shower, mist billowing off his shoulders before he dug through the piles of clothes left on the bench. It shifted again, and he darted into the library and behind the bookshelf, watching as he, Shon, walked in and sat down at the little table.
Shon blinked and shook his head furiously to try and clear it. All the pictures had flooded in so fast that no one even had time to answer the question or pose their own, "I let it in..." Shon whispered, then looked at the Paladin, explaining quickly, "I didn't mean to. I left my window open to air out my room and..."
"It's okay, Squire," the Paladin was actually smiling, and the little dragon whistled, "They're goodly creatures, though elusive. I've never seen a live one." the dragon leaned forward on the bookshelf, crouching down on its front claws and wiggling its hindquarters before it leaped into the air, opening its wings to spread as wide as it was long. It glided a lap around the library then hovered in front of the Paladin, chittering again and flapping hard enough to blow the man's short hair back before flying right towards the group of Squires around Shon.
It brushed Baradin's head with its claws, the boy ducking as it swooped down to land on Shon's table. The dragon looked from the open books to Shon, then, before Shon could pull back, climbed up his arm and to his shoulder, purring hard enough to vibrate Shon too. It weighed considerably less than it looked like it should, though its claws were sharp enough to pierce through his clothes as it climbed. It brought its face right up to Shon's eye, and though he tried to pull away, it followed him with its long neck, rubbing its cheek along his face. The scales were smooth and lacked temperature, like being touched by a gloved hand. It nuzzled his cheek again, then down his neck and into his shirt.
Surprised, Shon tried to throw the dragon off, but it just dug its claws into his sleeves, chittering angrily then clawing its way around to his back before lifting itself up to drape over his head. "What..." Shon started, but the Paladin cut him off with a laugh.
"I think that answers your friends' questions, Squire."
Shon was too confused to even arch an eyebrow at the man, but Rerves apparently understood what he'd meant because he said, "But I thought only animals could be familiars, like cats and crows and stuff..."
The Paladin nodded but then shrugged, "That's usually the case, but sometimes, rarely, there will be a Sorcerer who gets something a bit more special, like a winged serpent, fairy dragon, or in this case," he nodded at Shon, "A pseudodragon."
The pseudodragon purred, vibrating Shon's head. The Squires all gaped slack-jawed in awe at it, and Shon reached up slowly. He wasn't even sure what he was going to do, pet it? Push it off? But before he'd even touched it, it lifted its head, stretching its long neck out and nuzzling into his hand, obviously not caring that his skin was colder now than it had ever been.
"Damn..." Zihler muttered in obvious disappointment, "I was really hoping it would be a toad so I would have something to make fun of..."
The little dragon's answering twitter almost sounded like a laugh.
***
She groaned, rolling over and nuzzling deeper into Her pillow. Except it didn’t smell like Her pillow. Her eyes flew open, and She sat up. Then fell back down. That was stupid. Ran and Brom had probably taken more blood than usual again… except She couldn’t remember them taking Her for samples. Not for weeks and weeks…
“It’s alright, you’re safe here,” the kindly voice of a man spoke from Her right, and She sat up again, more slowly this time. A stranger in white robes with a sword embroidered on the chest reached out to help Her up, but after touching Her back he pulled sharply away.
She was too confused to apologize for burning him. “Where?” She asked, looking around the room. Like the stranger, it was covered in white. White blankets, white rug, and white curtains hanging to either side of an open window. A window that looked out onto a blue sky. She gasped, scrambling from the bed and nearly tripping over Her white gown. Of course it was white. How in all the hells did they keep it all clean?
She shook Her head and rushed for the window. The man behind Her gasped, his chair scraping loudly as he stood to follow. She pressed Her hands on the cold glass, staring up into the sky, “I’m on an upper floor!?” She grinned excitedly over Her shoulder as the stranger stared at Her, mouth hanging open.
Turning back to the window, She used Her arm to wipe the fog from Her heat off the glass, letting Her gaze trail down. She didn’t see the treetops She expected. Not close anyway. Instead, the forest was beyond a wide clear field, which in turn was beyond a tall stone wall with people dressed in silver walking along its top. She stood on Her toes to look down through the window. Between the wall and Her was a courtyard full of more people swinging things that glinted in the sun.
This wasn’t the tower. None of those people wore robes except the nice stranger. She spun to him, “My treasures, where are they? Brom? Ran? Where…” She saw a flash of red, heard a pained bark, and smelled iron. She fell to Her knees, grasping Her chest and breathing hard, remembering bits and pieces. He killed them. He killed all of them. Then what? She couldn’t remember...
“You are in a training facility of the Temple of Hengist, Hamerfoss, in Clearhelm.” a new voice, deeper, less kind though not cruel, spoke from the doorway. Lifting Her head, She saw the new man wearing a crisp, white, uniform, with a sword hanging comfortably from his belt. Hengist… so that explained all the white.
The kind man in robes had rushed to Her but dared not touch Her. Wise. With Her head spinning so fast, there was no way She was controlling Her heat properly. “How long has she been awake?” the new man asked the kind one.
“She just woke up, Major General,”
“He killed them…” She whispered, squeezing Her eyes shut, pushing back the rage and sorrow, trying to fill in Her memory. What happened next?
“It will be alright. You're safe here,” the kind man said again.
She pulled Her own hair, lacing Her fingers into the golden strands and squeezing. What had happened? She had run down the hall, but how had She gotten out of Her room? There were strangers in Her tower. These men? She glared up at the brown-haired man who looked down at Her, his hands behind his back.
“Who are you? What did you do to the Mages?” She could feel the hair rise on the back of Her neck and a familiar tingling where the collar should be.
The Major General remained calm before Her building fury, saying only, “Calm down.” It was a command backed by magic. She felt the power flow over Her and try to settle on Her mind. She could almost sense the peace it promised but shook Her head, clearing it of the spell.
He could've used his magic to hurt Her. Perhaps not with the collar as the Archmages did, but in other ways. And yet, he hadn’t moved from his spot, his hands still behind his back. She looked again at the sword of Hengist at his side. She'd read all about the gods. Hengist was good and noble, all about self-sacrifice and protecting the weak… A fool, the Mages had said. And yet his Temple ruled this province. The Mages of Her tower would never work with the Temple of Hengist. Or any kingdom order…
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She didn’t need his help to calm down, not when She had something to focus on. She shoved Her grief to the back of Her mind. “How did I get here?” another image flashed in Her mind, fire all around, a white path, blue eyes.
The Paladin didn’t answer right away; instead, he motioned for the robed man - a Cleric? - to bring him a chair. She tilted Her head curiously at him, but he only sat down with a weary sigh, then gestured towards the bed, “Please, have a seat.”
She stood, returning to the bed and eyeing the door over his shoulder. He hadn’t locked it. “We saw smoke from the woods and found you in a burning tower.” the blood drained from Her face, “We have recovered several bodies from around the structure, but there were no other survivors.” he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and fixing Her with a piercing stare, “What happened? What was going on in that tower?”
She brought Her feet onto the bed and hugged Her legs tight, “I don’t… I can’t remember…” a fire, the tower burning… But it was made of stone. Her fire couldn’t burn that hot… Could it?
“Sir Selibra,” the kindly Cleric sounded stern, crossing his arms and glaring down at the Paladin, “She has just woken up from what was obviously a terrible ordeal. Show some compassion.”
The Paladin, Selibra, actually looked ashamed, leaning back in his chair and clearing his throat, “I apologize, miss…” he drew out the last word, looking at Her expectantly. She tilted Her head. “What is your name?” he asked more clearly. She tilted Her head the other way. Were they going to play that game here too?
The Cleric hummed then said, “Please forgive him, miss, we are all very troubled by the events and deaths at the tower. The Major General merely got ahead of himself. If you could tell us your name, then we can let you rest and…”
“I don’t have a name.”
The two men blinked dumbly at Her, and She rolled Her eyes, “I knnnooowww,” She let Her legs fall back down, so She was sitting properly again, “But I don’t know it yet. As soon as I do, I'll tell you.” She assured them. The men exchanged looks as She glanced again out the window. Maybe She should've just told them what Brom and Ran called Her… But those weren’t names. They were descriptors. No better than ‘Firewyrm.’
If these Temple men were to be believed, everything was gone. She had no room, no books, no clothes, no treasures, and no name. What did She have? She pulled Her hair over Her shoulder and stared out the window as She stroked it. She had Her hair. They hadn’t cut it in months. She had Her body. She straightened Her posture, holding Her head high. And She had Her power—the fire crackling deep inside Her soul. The Mages had taken the first two. The third had destroyed them.
“You should rest,” Selibra stood, and Her eyes snapped back to him, “You can send for me when you feel ready to talk. Until then, focus on recovering your strength and your memories.”
He made it all the way to the door, even swung it open before She called out, “What are you going to do to me?”
Selibra turned back, his eyebrows raised in surprise. The Cleric placed a hand on Her shoulder, slowly and carefully, gauging how much of Her heat he could handle. She turned to him, and he let Her go. He'd held on longer than expected. “We will keep you safe, child.” the Cleric assured Her.
The Paladin grew stiff for a moment, then brought his right fist up to his chest, “By the sword of Hengist’s honor, we will safeguard your life and freedom,” Freedom? “Whatever injustices you endured there, you will find justice in the laws of Clearhelm.” She didn’t know what to say, and so, after an awkward moment of silence, Selibra turned for the door again and left.
She didn’t lay down. Instead, She walked back to the window. The view seemed to stretch on forever from so high up, higher than She'd ever remembered being before. Even when She used to climb the trees around Her tower.
Selibra hadn’t locked the door, but the Cleric bustled around behind Her, and the wall below Her clanked with armored knights. What was freedom anyway?
--- Table of Contents ---
Thanks for making it this far, you are the real MVP

great experience.
i fell short of my 300 hour goal though. i just became too stressed/exhausted mentally. i did not conserve energy enough i think. not enough cool air in nature.
i'm trying to heal a serious ear injury (hyperacusis and tinnitus). it's possible that DF won't even heal that, but i think it will, if i can get up to the 300-350 range. i'm also trying to heal asthma, nerve pain, and an astigmatism in my right eye.
i'm hoping that the refeed will stimulate some healing though.
things that happened during my DF:

1. asthma/allergies cleared up pretty nicely on day 5... however, i still feel mucous in my throat/chest. i suspect that a longer fast will clear that mucus up, which may eliminate my asthma entirely.
2. nerve pain has been reduced pretty nicely... however, the carnivore diet may be the primary reason why (i've been mostly carnivore for about 18 months... the nerve pain fluctuates some days despite being on carnivore).
3. insane meditations during the fast. nearly psychedelic. vivid colors. literally breathing in the color of the sun, grass, wind. envisioning God transmitting me powerful, colorful energy. smelling flowers felt like a shot of heroin LOL!
4. i should have taped my mouth shut more and only nose breathed. i dehydrated myself by mouth breathing too much around the 170 hour mark. also i should have been slower with my movements, like the russian literature talks about.
5. my mind totally rejected screens/computers/TV. maybe i'm just tapped out of those things in general though. i did not want to stare at any damn screen LOL. no toxic news, social media, people... etc. i probably spent like 6 hours in total on screens throughout the fast.
6. deep, deep rest, even when i couldn't sleep. just laying down and nose breathing healing into my brain. love that feeling.
7. creativity unlocked. i used to write screenplays in hollywood (they never went anywhere though). but during the fast, i've become inspired to write a novel instead. like really inspired. we'll see if i follow through on it!

anyway... i'm disappointed i couldn't run the table and get up to the 300 range... i'm a big believer of Trevor Stanley (@fastingwithtrevor on instagram)... he says the real healing happens in the 10-15 day range... if you don't get there, your ailments could just come back after the fast, despite feeling some healing of them during it. you have to literally crush those ailments to 0 percent, or they will just repopulate, essentially.
that's only if you have serious ailments though. most people that are relatively healthy will still experience immense healing and life extension from a 5-7 day.
until next time!!! thanks everybody!!!

Missed today's does and feeling super shit this evening. Could this be because of the missed dose or maybe I've spent too much time out in the sun? I have that kind of shakey feeling you get with the flu. Cheers

If any of this is breaking rule 7, I apologize. If this is also too long, I apologize.
Growing up on the spectrum, social norms were not something that came easily to me. My emotions came and went in extremes, and it became easy to obsess on things. Being autistic was never an excuse for how horrid I was. I always felt second place to my older sister who out-shined me in every way, so it led me to treating my mother and step-father poorly. They did often blame me for things I never did, and it didn't help, but didn't excuse how I reacted. Looking back, they were trying so hard for me, but I was an ungrateful little prick. Just about every major blow-up in our house stemmed from me. I never even tried to be better. Even if I never would excel in academics, I could have strived to be a good son at the very least. I never wanted to clean up after myself, and groaned at the idea of having to learn to do my own laundry. All I cared about was sitting in my room playing video games. I never willingly helped to clean up the house or help them unless it would benefit me. The value of money was greatly distorted to me, and I'd think 10 minutes of doing the dishes would equal out to earning $20 from my parents who were already barely middle class raising 2 kids. I'd feel stolen from if I wouldn't get what I wanted and I constantly felt like I was being wronged. I had to make myself the victim in every way and refused to accept responsibility for anything. My friends at school straight up thought my parents were abusive for years because of how I would talk about them. One Christmas, my Mom saved up money she probably didn't have to get me a new laptop after mine had broken. When I saw that it was a budget laptop that "couldn't play the games I wanted it to", I threw a massive fit and told her I didn't want it. She told me she was going to just return it and since I was still out a computer, this wasn't good enough for me. Again, I was apparently a victim of abuse having my "hard earned Christmas" torn away from me by a greedy and hateful mother. I tried to run away from home. The laptop did everything I needed it to, but it looked "basic" and I didn't want my class-mates thinking I was poor, when in my city, most kids were.
I had this weird irrational fear of other people thinking I was poor and to this day I have no idea where it came from. Mom packs me a hand-made lunch rather than giving me an expensive Lunchable? I'd throw the entire thing out and not eat because I thought it would somehow make me look less poor. It was so bad that when I'd order a meal from McDonald's, I'd specify I wanted each item rung in individually and didn't want a meal deal. To me, meal deals were for "poor people who couldn't afford to get the items individually", even though all it did was make me look stupid and bad with money. Even when I finally got a job, I was bad with money. If I got an item on sale, I felt like crap because "sales are for poor people". If I had money, I'd spend it all down to the last penny, meaning I'd often have to beg my barely middle class mother for money. I'd spend hundreds of dollars on anime box sets and video games, but would leave myself no money for food. They never bothered to teach me financial literacy, but even if I they did, I already know I wouldn't have listened. I was only able to pay off all my bad debts and become good with finances a mere few years ago by realizing how badly I needed to change that before moving out of my parents house at the age of 27.
Going back to graduation, things really started to become bad. After my first love cheated on me after high school (together for nearly 3 years, met near the end of graduation) and proceeded to toy with my heart for half a year, something in me completely snapped. Considering what a loser and AH I was to my family, I can't say I blame her for losing attraction. I got revenge by publicly branding her as the worst kind of harlot imaginable and wanted to do everything I could to ruin her image. I had been cheated on, so I "knew how it felt" and would "never cheat". I became self righteous in this mindset, which is incredibly ironic considering how I went on to become. Becoming easily obsessed with things meant that when addiction took hold, it was incredibly difficult to break. I had met an absolutely amazing woman a couple years later and she treated me like gold. Literal wife material. Incredibly attractive. So what did I do? The first time a woman who wasn't her tried to flirt with me and get in my pants, I cheated on her. Apparently at this point in my life, I had become quite "attractive", because an odd amount of women started to come to me. Even ones who knew I was in a relationship already. I didn't turn a single one of them down. I even started to seek other women out on my own. I became hooked on the validation and let it control my life. I had no care for the safety of myself or my actual girlfriend who had no idea of all the women I was having sex with. All unprotected mind you. Eventually she found out and got mad at me for the years of betrayal and lying I had done, and even when I was clearly caught in the wrong, I didn't own up to being in the wrong. I didn't even try to apologize. I tried to gaslight her into making her think it was all her fault. Thankfully it didn't work and she knew that she was wronged.
I had become a textbook narcissist. I checked off just about every box. I was obsessed with my looks and put myself above anyone else.
I "didn't need her" though, with all the women coming my way. I let sex completely take over my mind and my life. There wasn't a single moment I wasn't thinking about it. I'd take expensive cabs at 2AM or later just to go hook up with someone I'd only been talking to for an hour or less. Older women went for me a lot, and I'd be in my early 20s having women in their late 40s or 50's sleeping with me. I'd bail on plans with friends, family, and would even show up late for work because I'd be too busy hooking up with anyone willing. As horrible as I was, consent was always the most important factor for me and I made sure no one was ever pressured or felt pursued if they weren't interested. This means I just hooked up with people who were easy like I was, and there was a lot of them. Several a week and sometimes multiple a day. I had met another absolutely amazing woman who was wife material and dated her for a bit over 2 years, and I absolutely cheated on her for the majority of the relationship. I shattered her heart, and she has every right under the sun to hate my guts. After several years of this behavior, I finally realized and admitted to myself that I had an addiction. None of this made me happy. In fact, I was absolutely miserable. It put an even larger wedge between my family and I, and my friends were incredibly disappointed in me. The worst that ever happened to me were two instances where I was raped by someone I had long stopped consenting with. First held a knife to me and the second beat me until I stopped saying no. I'm sure for all the damage I'd done, I deserved it. I only ever got the clap a handful of times (stopped having sex until it was cleared each time). I surprisingly ended up not getting anyone pregnant (in a city full of single mothers who chase for child support, I would know if I did). By the end of it, I'd had sex with somewhere between 150-200 different women. I stopped remembering names, faces, and mentally blocked a lot of it out. All I had was a number tally, which became less clear as more were added. I had to stop. Cold turkey.
I was beyond disgusted with myself, as I should have been. From that point on, my relationship with sex was incredibly rocky. I could no longer perform as I once did and ended up with erectile disfunction. I had finally come out of the closet as bisexual as well, because despite being a sex addict, I never let it extend to men, even though I was attracted to them. Men never pursued me either, so I never had that temptation. I wasn't completely put off of sex, and still had it when I did manage to date, but it no longer dictated how I lived my life and spent my days. Instead of sex, I let myself fall into another extreme. When people became so divided over world events, I let myself fall into the worst side of things and became a horribly bigoted and xenophobic person. I had mental mental gymnastics to justify my beliefs and met other people who shared them. I was a "free thinker" with no original views and all I did was further hurt and disappoint old friends I had. I'd post, comment, and share tons of hateful garbage to social media. People had every right to be offended. Lord knows the life I'd led prior gave me absolutely no room to judge anyone else, but I did.
I had tried to end my life on multiple occasions, but am glad I didn't.

This way of thinking was something I was able to free myself of 7 months ago. What sparked the change? This final change? I have no idea. I was sitting in front of my computer watching hateful content to further cement and validate my beliefs, and I just felt sick. I thought to myself "What the **** have I been doing with my life? What is all of this?" At that exact moment, I started to remove every negative presence I'd put out to the world. I had deleted every single comment, share, post, like, etc that I'd ever put on social media across all platforms. This actually took me around 2 weeks of clicking to accomplish. Until my activity logs on all socials were completely empty. My entire YouTube history was now cleared and my algorithm had been reset. I turned off anything and everything relating to the news or world events because all those topics did was make me unhappy. Then I announced on FB and Instagram the revelation I'd come to. An entire life of self awareness hitting me at once. I didn't sugarcoat anything to make myself look better. I was not a victim. I was no longer trying to hide who I was. I made a blanket apology to everyone who cared about me who I'd hurt and disappointed, making it known I'd make individual ones later. I added anyone who wanted to keep in contact on my hiatus to Discord, and then deleted those FB and Insta accounts entirely. I unplugged from the world of social media for 2 months. You'd think I'd need more time, but I didn't. I guess the one perk of being autistic was being able to focus heavily on one specific thing. I was able to do a life's worth of thinking and personal change during this time. When I came back, I reached out to everyone I could think of that I'd wronged or not presented my best self to, apart from a few people I knew that I had no right to ever present myself to. People who are far better in their lives not thinking about my existence. I apologized and let it be known that I was not asking for or expecting forgiveness, as I have no right to it. I let them know what I was doing to be better in my life and wished them well. To my surprise, it was an overwhelmingly positive response. People actually forgave me and were happy to see me doing better. I can never truly make up for how I had spent my life before, but all I can do is spend each day being someone people can be glad to know.
I wasn't "finally getting back to being me". There was no previous version of "me" that I ever wanted to return to. For the first time in my life since birth, I was blank slate. I held no hatred or contempt for anything or anyone, besides myself. I accepted any and all blame, and didn't try to justify anything with excuses or justifications. I was able to dictate the reasons and pinpoint where I'd gone wrong in my life and fully understand why things happened as they did. Importantly, I finally started going to therapy and seeking help. Not because I fear I'll ever return back to my old self, but because I know I permanently damaged my mind and am plagued with regret.
I'm finally letting myself return to old hobbies that brought me joy, but no longer need validation to enjoy them. I'm finally playing my massive backlog of video games, hanging out with friends uninterrupted, watching movies, re-discovering my love of photography and art. I am also going to start painting, even though all I use to do was draw.
I feel that if I can become better, I hope it gives hope to others to try to be as well.
**TLDR**: There isn't really a TLDR for such a thing. If you don't want to read it, I fully understand.

HELP. My 3.5yo has suddenly in the past week become allergic to sleep. For three years he had been a 12-13 hour sleeper at night with a solid 3 hour nap, he’s hyperactive so he was always go go go every second he was awake but slept hard.
Then I thought it was just about dropping the nap. Okay fine. But then this past week he’s been getting up at all hours of the night saying he’s “ready to start the day,” turning on the light in his room, getting dressed, playing with his toys. Okay fine again, but it started four days ago at 4am. Last night it was TWO AM. The chill that runs down your spine when you wake up at 2:30 to bumps and stomps and see your kid awake in the monitor lights on as if it was noon (he has a child lock on his doorknob thank god). But still.
We put him back to bed at 3 and at 5:30am I heard him up again. We had told him he had to stay in bed until the sun came up but it’s summer here so it was up. But right now it’s 2:30pm and he’s refusing his nap again, we put him down with an audiobook and white noise like always and thought he’d for sure pass out because he barely slept last night. Nope he’s up and playing. (We had even taken everything out of his room and he literally sitting on the bare floor playing with two small trains that were in a corner that we missed 🙄)
He’s also sensory seeking and when he’s tired it gets a hundred times worse, he works himself up into a frenzy and it becomes a never ending cycle.
What could cause this absolutely sudden change??? Like I get that sleep regressions are a thing but this is almost scary. He has always had higher than normal sleep needs. And now we have no control (other than telling him) of him being able to stay asleep because he just turns on his overhead light and plays so he can get himself super wired no matter how tired he is.
Does anyone have any advice??? Melatonin? Chiropractor? Massage therapy? Tranquilizer darts lol?!?!?

Hi, I have had a PERFECTLY normal appearing mole on my abdomen for most of my adult life or longer. I'm 39 F. It could have been there since puberty but I don't think since birth. Possible but I don't think so. It was always under 5mm and round. I'm ashamed to say that I lost track of it because it had seemed so stable. I happened to check it out this week and there's a small round bump sitting on the mole (I'm not sure if it's always been there unfortunately) and there's like a flatter patchy area "spreading" underneath the mole. The mole itself doesn't seem to have changed in size. The bump and patchy area seem to be the same color as the mole and the entire thing is covered by a pencil eraser. I would say the area is a little under 5mm if that's the size of a pencil eraser. My gut thinks these are new changes but I couldn't guess when. I had a habit of only glancing at it in the shower and never really inspected it closely for a while.
I feel so overwhelmed and scared. No melanoma in my family that I can think of. My sister has had moles removed but no cancer. She's lighter skinned. I have brown eyes and hair. My skin will often burn at first and then turn to a tan. I don't ever burn on purpose but it happens by accident more than I'd like. This "mole" is in a covered area of my abdomen that doesn't have sun exposure. I have many moles. I wouldn't have called any of them atypical. I have a few that are bigger and raised but still under 5mm. Perfectly round and seem normal. I've always loved this mole and now I worry it will kill me. I see statistics about how it's "rare" to grow in an existing mole. Rare to them means 30% apparently which is upsetting. I know I need to make a dermatology appointment but I'm scared. I feel like I'm too late if it's growing both outwards and upwards. I don't think it's even possible for this to be benign and it might be advanced since I haven't been checking. Thanks.

I'm using TrueNAS Scale as a backup target. I understand it's not as fast as Core, but I didn't expect it to be this slow. I'm using `rsync -av` running over SSH.
The origin system is a Dell R730xd with an LSI 3008 mini. The pool is made up of 2 raidz2s, each with 8 2TB SSDs.
The destination system is a Supermicro with an LSI 3108. The pool is made up of 2 raidz2s each with 6 Seagate ST12000NM0027 12TB SAS drives, 2 250G NVME drives for logs and 2 NVME drives for metadata.
Both systems have dual 10G bonds that `iperf3` to about 9Gb/s.
I understand that `rsync` isn't the preferred method for ZFS backups, but I need a backup and I'm still learning.
I'm only getting about 165MB/s writes with rsync over ssh. If I'm not mistaken, that's barely the speed of an average single rusty spinner. What can I do to improve this?
​
EDIT:Now I'm even more confused. This is on the destination system:

 fio --filename=/mnt/rusty/fio-file --rw=write --direct=1 --bs=1M --ioengine=libaio --runtime=60 --numjobs=1 --time_based --group_reporting --name=seq_write --iodepth=16 seq_write: (g=0): rw=write, bs=(R) 1024KiB-1024KiB, (W) 1024KiB-1024KiB, (T) 1024KiB-1024KiB, ioengine=libaio, iodepth=16 fio-3.25 Starting 1 process seq_write: you need to specify size= fio: pid=0, err=22/file:filesetup.c:1055, func=total_file_size, error=Invalid argument Run status group 0 (all jobs): [email protected][/mnt/rusty]# fio --filename=/mnt/rusty/fio-file --rw=write --direct=1 --bs=1M --ioengine=libaio --runtime=60 --numjobs=1 --time_based --group_reporting --name=seq_write --iodepth=16 --size=10G seq_write: (g=0): rw=write, bs=(R) 1024KiB-1024KiB, (W) 1024KiB-1024KiB, (T) 1024KiB-1024KiB, ioengine=libaio, iodepth=16 fio-3.25 Starting 1 process seq_write: Laying out IO file (1 file / 10240MiB) Jobs: 1 (f=1): [W(1)][100.0%][w=590MiB/s][w=589 IOPS][eta 00m:00s] seq_write: (groupid=0, jobs=1): err= 0: pid=636499: Sun Jun 4 15:53:54 2023 write: IOPS=705, BW=706MiB/s (740MB/s)(41.4GiB/60001msec); 0 zone resets slat (usec): min=305, max=5440, avg=1413.47, stdev=295.70 clat (usec): min=2, max=29771, avg=21251.45, stdev=4355.28 lat (usec): min=1780, max=31713, avg=22665.26, stdev=4643.85 clat percentiles (usec): 1.00th=[ 5800], 5.00th=[ 8160], 10.00th=[20579], 20.00th=[20841], 30.00th=[21103], 40.00th=[21365], 50.00th=[21890], 60.00th=[22152], 70.00th=[22676], 80.00th=[23725], 90.00th=[24773], 95.00th=[25560], 99.00th=[26870], 99.50th=[27395], 99.90th=[28443], 99.95th=[28705], 99.99th=[29492] bw ( KiB/s): min=595968, max=2308096, per=100.00%, avg=723804.50, stdev=225791.97, samples=119 iops : min= 582, max= 2254, avg=706.84, stdev=220.50, samples=119 lat (usec) : 4=0.01% lat (msec) : 2=0.01%, 4=0.01%, 10=7.69%, 20=0.48%, 50=91.82% cpu : usr=3.76%, sys=28.30%, ctx=315182, majf=4, minf=75 IO depths : 1=0.1%, 2=0.1%, 4=0.1%, 8=0.1%, 16=100.0%, 32=0.0%, >=64=0.0% submit : 0=0.0%, 4=100.0%, 8=0.0%, 16=0.0%, 32=0.0%, 64=0.0%, >=64=0.0% complete : 0=0.0%, 4=100.0%, 8=0.0%, 16=0.1%, 32=0.0%, 64=0.0%, >=64=0.0% issued rwts: total=0,42351,0,0 short=0,0,0,0 dropped=0,0,0,0 latency : target=0, window=0, percentile=100.00%, depth=16 Run status group 0 (all jobs): WRITE: bw=706MiB/s (740MB/s), 706MiB/s-706MiB/s (740MB/s-740MB/s), io=41.4GiB (44.4GB), run=60001-60001msec 

Source system:

WRITE: bw=1964MiB/s (2060MB/s), 1964MiB/s-1964MiB/s (2060MB/s-2060MB/s), io=115GiB (124GB), run=60001-60001msec READ: bw=2590MiB/s (2716MB/s), 2590MiB/s-2590MiB/s (2716MB/s-2716MB/s), io=152GiB (163GB), run=60001-60001msec 

Some rsync output pushing from origin => destination

 10,083,230,687 100% 166.10MB/s 0:00:57 (xfr#1, ir-chk=1015/1350) 9,347,071,718 100% 158.75MB/s 0:00:56 (xfr#2, ir-chk=1014/1350) 9,570,579,747 100% 162.30MB/s 0:00:56 (xfr#3, ir-chk=1013/1350) 10,238,103,318 100% 162.05MB/s 0:01:00 (xfr#4, ir-chk=1012/1350) 

​

Just to provide a bit of a context, I'm a lawyer in my early 30s, and I've always had formal jobs with a somehow informal lifestyle but mostly sober (let's say, just doing some drugs -including alcohol- once or twice a month and that was all. Nevertheless, in my late 20s I decided to change my path, and left my home city in the Americas to go to Europe, study a different career and start a new life more aligned with my interests. It took me a few months to realise how everybody here does lots of drugs, most of my friends do them daily, and even though I wanted to have an alternative job, the only 2 jobs I've found in the past couple of years have been very formal ones.
Likewise, I know that I like taking care of my body, so I wanna keep going to the gym at least 4 times a week and eat mostly clean, however, I've been particularly active in 2 communities where drugs are always present: 1) the kinky community (I also organise events in my house, so GBH, sidenafil, and 3mmc are always here every time I do something), and 2) the techno community (MDMA, ecstasy, 4mmc and alcohol).
In this regard, I've found myself doing hard drugs not only every weekend, but sometimes 4x per week alternating between raves and sex sessions (frid-sat-sun-mon), and I've been super unproductive at work (I've had to sleep in the bathroom more than once), I've skipped the gym many days, skipped my meals, etc, and while I don't want my life to become a total mess, I wanna keep having fun. So, I wonder what's your drug intake regime, for all of you who have a "formal job" and wants to build/maintain a nice body in your 30s. Thank you!

Platform(s): Facebook
Genre: F2P/MTX "energy per action" text adventure RPG
Estimated year of release: Mid to late 00's
Graphics/art style: Minimalist. Shifting backgrounds to go with the story, at most. Heavy focus on narration, even for the most mundane actions.
Notable gameplay mechanics: Choice outcomes were semi-random based on your stats, with success/failure and calculations displayed on screen
Other details: Game shut down a few years after I discovered it, leaving a thank you letter in its place. Was heavily narrative on all of its choices, seemingly with a ton of content not dissimilar to "big" narrative F2P flash games that were en vogue at the time (such as Legacy of a Thousand Suns).
What struck me about it was that it didn't seem to be based in flash like so many games of the era; it seemed to be Java and HTML. Text transitions were embellished, with fade in and fade out rather than bland page loads. I also vaguely remember the display of dice when calculating successes, though that may be a false memory.
I have no hopes of finding the game itself as many games from that era are lost to time, just trying to find a name to put to the memories.