I am currently attending therapy and my work with them has made me more conscious of uncomfortable feelings that have led to a feeling of resentment and loss that stems from my childhood.
What follows Is my account of my experience, feelings, interpretations, memories. Whilst yours might be different, I am telling you mine and how it is real to me, sometimes from the perspective of the child that experienced these things where things are a lot more significant than they might be for an adult and not even register.
I get that some things might be remembered wrongly
i currently pay to attend psychoanalytic psychotherapy therapy 14 hours a week, 5 days a week. This is following a near lifetime of attending various other therapies, medications and being imprisoned by various coping mechanisms I learned to help me survive since childhood.
I feel you have already acknowledged that you have let me down. Yet you still wish to be connected with me. I would like to be connected with you too but I feel angry.
I want to connect with you both, my siblings, people in general and even myself but it seems I am deeply angry/resentful for being presented in my childhood with an environment where I felt scared and ashamed of expressing my needs and feeling deprived of emotional connection. My physical needs were taken care of but emotionally I think that people were not present and short of temper, time, attention and other resources.
I felt bad, guilty, ashamed for having needs and even felt fearful that my body would express a want for its needs to be fulfilled (e.g. crying).
I feel that I am expected to trust the excuses of the absences, the uncertainties, the short tempers, the half families and have learnt to feel shame/guilt to feel unsure, insecure and resentful of fully emotionally connecting.
I have curiosity about what the family/work secrets are, I don't need to know them but the message that family secrets have is that your loyalty sides with protecting these things at the expense of trust with your son as inherent in secrets is a lack of congruence. And with a lack of congruence you get gaslighting; you get a lack of trust in both the people you depend on for your survival and development (both personal and social) and emotional intimacy, connection cannot exist in that environment.
I feel that through various bits of information this caricature of you being some sort of James Bond/secret service/military/government (whatever) character has been allowed to be associated with daddy however all I have experienced of him is me feeling him being a tyrant in my childhood and being a broken man waiting for god whilst mummy waits on him in my adulthood. Of course I would like to see my father as James bond but he is a fictional/exceptional character that is unrealistic to try to emulate and the feeling of me having to live up to that has caused issues in it's own right. For me, nothing I can do is good enough as it is in the shadow of this fictional character. If I take away the fantasy (IE what I feel like I have been led to believe) and I just look at what I have experienced, I don't see a James Bond, I see a failed inventor with very childish defence mechanisms including using stories and the art of ambiguity (like poetic CV writing) and the idea that the threat of physical violence is the only way to assert ones strength.
I gave up trying to get a convincing account of various anomalies as the responses I get are very far fetched and just begat more questions, it's utterly hopeless. For example, I feel that whoever these half siblings are, whatever grandiose reasons there might be to justify doing things the way they have been done, they on the other hand are humans, apparently your children, who might be afforded more dignity than they have, especially in the light of finding out that the person they consider is their natural father is rather than dead, has actually been living with another family in the next city.
All during this, I have felt alone, not actually stood up for. When I brought all this to your attention previously I was told "we're sorry, we have let you down, but this is how we were brought up ourselves" as if to absolve yourselves of any responsibility for either the past, present or future.
I find it troubling that I cannot get myself to talk about this stuff, to express my feelings, to criticize or to enquire. I find it troubling that I would feel guilt, shame, fear to do so.
When bringing up my experience of things and it happens to not be in a favourable light, instead of acknowledging these things, 'the messenger is shot' and I am told I am ungrateful and 'only remember the bad stuff'
I remember receiving wonderful gifts, I loved playing with Lego etc. I wonder what was going on at the time I started to receive gifts that were more challenging than I could deal with yet didn't get help with completing them. I felt alone, unsupported. I felt it set me up for failure.
I am curious what was going on around 1990 when according to my doctors notes it was reported that I was having mood and behaviour problems. I don't know if it is because of the death of granddaddy, the move to a new school and city, the birth of Leah, the birth of a half sibling, me being stuck on a school coach vomit comet or something else that I was picking up subconsciously through whatever was going on in the environment I was being brought up in.
I wonder why for as long as I can remember, even before socialising with other children I was seen as polite (fawning/walking on egg shells) and I was shy.
I wonder what might have lead me to being anxious about vomit. It has been proposed that it is a fear of the act of involuntarily expressing something that I cannot digest. For example, being shamed for crying.
My coping mechanisms of stonewalling, ignoring could be interpreted as narcissistic behaviours. However, I do these behaviours out of anger, and fear, the combination or which would be resentment. I choose these behaviours because I am fearful of expressing my needs either aggressively or assertively. I fear this because as a child, I believed that physical violence, spanking, or much worse was always a potential.
I remember people, particularly daddy getting offended at things whether they were disrespectful, neutral or innocent. The safest thing for me was to just shut up and hide.
The sound of screaming, slamming doors, the feeling of the stonewalling made me feel frightened, shocked. The physical symptoms were very uncomfortable and I experience these same symptoms whenever I hear a door slam, whenever someone is short with me, whenever I'm in a car and countless other situations.
I feel that daddy's attempts to assert boundaries with Lyndsay (if that was what was going on... I don't actually have any idea what was going on other than perhaps this to explain Lyndsay's horrifying screaming) were undermined by mummy withdrawing and ignoring him (going to bed, sulking). This is mummy's way of expressing her anger and manipulating daddy and others into getting what she wants. This technique is used by people who are up against people who cannot fight physically as they are physically weaker than the other person and cannot communicate assertively in this situation for whatever reason. I have learnt to do this myself and have learnt that this is called passive aggressive behaviour and is often associated with narcissistic behaviour.
With my father being away for most of the time, both physically and mentally, it was left to my mother to bring me up. In this situation I have learnt to be protective of my mothers needs, to make her happy, often at the expense of me expressing my needs as this would have led to a painful drain on her limited resources. Daddy's way of asserting his strength through what I perceived as an unspoken physical threat taught me that masculinity is disgusting and 'not the way' that you ingratiate yourself to women and not a way that leads women to feel safe and treated with respect. This however has lead me to neglect to develop masculine traits and this affects me in all types of my relationships. I don't think I ever learnt to be assertive, I learnt that having needs met would lead to conflict and that conflict requires aggression and winning rather than discussion and perhaps compromise. Thus I have bizarrely become spoilt as I have never had my expectations questioned and not learnt to be happy with compromise. I instead sulk. The tragedy is that I am spoilt yet left with nothing.
I feel my mother should have been the source for nurturing and through unconditional love I would be given an innate sense that I am worthy of love no matter what the world says otherwise and my father for feelings of harnessing the world through my strength of assertiveness.
Instead I feel love (or in this case, approval, or just 'not being chastised') was on condition that I am mummy's rock, I please her, I fawn by not asking too much of her, whilst my sister demands everything, resulting in me being fed scraps.
I feel perhaps resentful of the general feeling of unease I have due to not being fully protected from what was going on in the family environment
I am frightened of every member of my family. The feeling of someone snapping at me cuts me deeply to this day.
The fact that I have felt that I am only comfortable to express all this with the distance of an email, at the age of 41 after decades of intensive therapy that I have been too ashamed to confess to having is very telling about the severity/enormity/entrenchment of my feelings.
The feeling as a child of waiting as if it was an eternity, wondering if my dad would ever come back to share some real connection knowing over time that I would only find when he did come back, he wasn't 'there'. he was in a violent stupor, the shrieking from my sister would start followed by the choking oppressive withdrawing from my mother; the 'performative' playing 'happy families' once daddy had sobered up as if nothing had happened (look again at those Christmas home videos, my smile is a grimace, and it still is. I suspect Lyndsay's is too. Poor Leah, floating around, I assume genuinely happy as she hasn't yet had things subconsciously filter in); only for the cycle to be gone through again and again.
This doesn't even touch the feeling that I have of Lyndsay acting out her frustrations on me.
I think self-diagnosing her with some sort of personality is a way of excusing yourselves from her childhood environment having an influence on her behaviour. It also condemns her to a lifetime of her being the way she is.
I felt like I could not depend on my parents for my security and development and had a sense of pride in being independent compared to my siblings yet have realised that I am just as dependent on others as my sisters are, in fact I am hiding the fact that I feel my needs would be too much for people (perhaps where me being afraid of puking comes from as I can't control it). we just have different ways of dealing with being dependent. Fortunately for my siblings that means they get to grab everything (I'm sure they have their pitfalls), yet for me it results in me shooting myself in the foot and I get scraps or nothing. I wait for attention, I get proof that I am loved by waiting for the person to give it and feeling resentful at the person for them not reading my mind.
That time when I was crying in my room and daddy asked me "if there was ever anything wrong you would tell me right?" And I said "no". That was an act of defiance. I was furious (for being absent; for being temperamental (triggered to snap at people and take things as a personal criticism whether they were or not); for not being an inspiration; for having the expectations of someone who was qualified/deserved the benefits of being a father without actually fulfilling his responsibilities of being a father) with you by then yet also terrified. I feel what you were asking was for me to emotionally connect with you so knowing that that's how I have power over you.
I do not intend for this to be a slagging match. I wish to just communicate my experience of things and how I feel. And honestly right now I feel ashamed, guilty and scared for any number of the "Four Horsemen" to have their input for having dared to express my needs or to have criticized. I probably won't pick up any phone calls or texts for now and will respond to an email when I feel ready in order to avoid an emotional interaction that, whilst I wish I could bare, I cannot.
The damage is done, no one can go back in time to fix this and I am not sure that I will see anyone putting in the amount of work into finally curtailing this intergenerational trauma, if that's what it is as much as I seem to have devoted my life to. I have experienced what I have experienced and had developed the methods of coping that I had available to me at the time and I now feel trapped by them. I don't know what to do for the future. Perhaps I need to go through some grieving process and develop the confidence that I will be able to express my needs, the acceptance that I will not always get what I want and no longer sulk. I have become aware of my feelings of anger and fear, I have been resentful, now I am attempting to express my feelings. What happens next might depend on the response I get but I will need to do things at my own pace. As for if you want to do anything, that's up to you. I feel safer to not be dependent on yourselves, or others in general however, like I said, despite this, I am dependent on people whether I like it or not. This area I am hazy with.
I am still working on myself, perhaps my feelings might change entirely. As for how things could work going forward, I don't yet know, I am yet to work it out, but maybe this is a step out of a cul-de-sac and towards somewhere closer than us just mutually switching our brains off and staring at the same corner of the living room and me 'performing'.
I need to learn to be comfortable expressing my feelings and needs, even if this means I am being critical. Then I need to let go of resentment and the idea that although you want connection with me I feel it is later than when I needed it.
I am preoccupied with a painful, discomforting sense of emptiness, a sense of deprivation, a hunger, a longing that I constantly, in one way or another seek to resolve or distract myself from. I would like to one day no longer feel this however I'm not even sure if I will be afforded such a luxury and finally get on with my life.

I've been bottling up my feelings about my mother for as long as I can remember, but today I’ll try to let some of it go.
Growing up with a single mother and an older sister, my early years were pretty great. Despite my mom barely graduating high school, she always provided for us, and our involvement in the Jehovah's Witnesses congregation provided additional support.
Everything changed after a trip to California.
When we got back, my mom spiraled into heavy drinking, which had been an ongoing struggle for her since before I was born. She had gone through things before I was born that I don’t think she ever had the chance to deal with in a healthy way.
My older sister eventually moved away, leaving me alone with my mom. We stopped going to the congregation, and my mom lost her job.
For nearly two years, we hopped between different houses, with me sharing a room with her. I vividly recall trying to be a carefree child, playing video games, while she drank in front of me. I always believed it was my fault and that I had to be a better son.
Though we eventually found a new place, her drinking got worse, resulting in multiple hospital visits. I even had to drive her to the hospital myself when I was in 7th grade. That memory will forever be etched in my mind.
Eventually not long after I confronted her about her actions and, for two months, ignored her while we still lived together. At that point I was already cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry because I couldn’t count on her to do it for me all the time. We eventually got back on good terms when she finally quit drinking, but the love I once had for her was never quite the same.
In 2016, she suffered a major stroke from the years of alcohol abuse and poor health choices, leaving her disabled for the rest of her life. Today, she's just a shadow of her former self.
Now, I see my mother as a flawed human being who was doing her best, but I can't deny the resentment that lingers within me from those years of hell and the negative patterns I acquired during that time.
Even now, when I talk to her on the phone and hear her slurred voice due to the stroke, it takes me back to all those moments when she was drunk, and I wondered if she would be okay and when it would all end. I'm doing my best to let go of this resentment. It's not easy, but I believe that by acknowledging my feelings and sharing my story, I'm taking a step toward healing.
If anyone else has been through a similar experience or has any advice, I would appreciate your thoughts.

Hi, I am here to represent some of the aspects of the dysfunctional family of my parents. I have made peace with the past but there have been a few recent events with each family member that are bothering me lately. I am working on myself, reminding myself that although some of it is affecting me now, it does not really matter. Its the logical mind though which needs convincing. What should I do here? Any help is appreciated 1. My Elder Sister (her and I have an age gap of almost 2 years):There was an incident that happened when we were teens, affecting her and me both. I lost my connection with friends little by little. Life became a mess really. She chose to bring this up and how it affected her, (years later) when she introduced me to her - to be fiancee - FOR THE FIRST TIME, trying to pick up a fight then and there. She was 28F (in2020) at the time. I am not sure what she expected out of it and why she did that. When I brought incidences on how she had literally been an asshole to me all her life, she tried to justify herself looking at him as if the only person there purer than the purest water on earth was her. (Really?) I did not storm out or anything like that but handled it like a more mature person than her. It really made me think later though on how far she could go to paint a picture about me to someone who was going to be a part of the family. It also made me realize that I was right to think that she and mum had many conversations belittling me (which was obvious infront but not it was obvious behind my back too), My mother is a narcissist btw. She asked me one time this year if I wanted to stay at her house for a week since she and her now husband would be out there would be no one at home, I said okay. Now when I was leaving her house, since the door had automatic lock, I did not do the manual lock (from outside). I was on my way to the airport when she showed her disapproval on this. So I went back, but there was a malfunction on the door, it was not opening at all for me to even lock it. She was literally screaming on the phone over the video call. I could see my parents sitting behind in the video call, watching this whole ordeal, I tried opening this giant door, slamming myself to it but it did not budge. I eventually had to take help of the neighbour. He was a physically bigger person than me. And he too had trouble opening the door but with effort, he pushed it open. I was then able to lock the door automatically +manually.Later I noticed I had big blood clots (three) covering my right thigh, the side from which I was slamming myself on to the door. Even when she visits home, she tries to degrade my choices, my weight, anything related to me. I told her I like myself and how I do things.There was one time, when during our conversation she asked me what I wanted to eat (for the first time). I said no, she insisted. When I told her and it was a pretty cheap order, her reaction and the entire demeanor changed. She booked the order but was so agitated, didn't continue the call and I never said yes to any of her questions after. 2. Father : I took a break from my corporate career in 2021 to pursue a career in government. I asked my father if he was okay with me being at home to prepare. Initially, he said okay but it was clear later on that he really did not care on if I had my own space to prepare or the privacy. And no I don't have a room, I sleep in the drawing room on a deewan (bed) right infront of the main door. He watches TV all day and couldn't care less on what is happening elsewhere in the house.To cope with this and the guests, relatives and visits of my siblings (both elder sissy and brother), I started studying at night.In the morning, he could hardly care on how loud he is moving things around, arranging utensils or so. I am trying to get a job again to get my own place. I don't know how I managed this long at home with such things. 3. Brother : He is so self - righteous.Initially, he and I shared rooms. And he was always on the phone. One time I asked him to go to the balcony and talk or the other room and he said it was not convenient for him. I told him I am preparing for my government exam and what do you know? It turns into an altercation. My mother asked me to leave the room, being all about solutions. When I told her it's impacting my preparation and I have to give the exam, she said ' everyday is an exam' (seriously?) I cried a lot that day after I settled in my father's room.To make it seem like she was trying to help me, she asked my father to let me study for 2 hours each day. (Really? 2 hours?),which was not okay by him. He loves his TV and so.Oh well. He never apologized and still, till date, never apologizes even when he is in the wrong. He does apologize to my sister. It's all about the money she earns now. Because he often makes note of it and always looks at her salary. So I think that way, he is inclined to say sorry to her. He did not say sorry to her too before she was earning well. 4. My Mother: I think the person I had most issues with throughout my life is my mother. I love her for the being that resides in her but I oh so fucking hate her for how she treats me directly/ indirectly. She projects her limitations on me, always remarking 'oh you can't do that'.She has always wanted me to be less than my sister. How do I know this? She oftens pointed out in a derogatory way whenever I did well in life. I was the first in this family to get a well paid job and she was not happy about it, at all. When I was in the process of giving interview, I remember she remarked says 'That is, if you get this job, you will go there'. I was taken aback but I mean, what else did I expect. When I was earning well, these guys were all about me, asking me for gifts and things, which I was happy to oblige to. Now, she always ALWAYS like a speaker on the top of my head, speaks about how wonderful of a jobmy sister has, her salary, the new flat she is buying and how richlyand royally our new dog is living with her, something which he was not living like before, when he was living with her. About the government exams I am preparing for, she always talks about how less of a salary the posts have. I really don't have any idea about why she says these things. When I try to confront her, she takes it in a very defensive way and I'd not say anything to her at all. Now that my brother is in another city because of his job, she has taken the room.I had an interview yesterday and I asked her for the room (there is always someone coming and going in the drawing room) and the energy got so dull as if I was not entitled to it. How do you think would be the best way to navigate through these emotions and incidences?

Hi, I am here to represent some of the aspects of the dysfunctional family of my parents. I have made peace with the past but there have been a few recent events with each family member that are bothering me lately. I am working on myself, reminding myself that although some of it is affecting me now, it does not really matter. Its the logical mind though which needs convincing. What should I do here? Any help is appreciated 1. My Elder Sister (her and I have an age gap of almost 2 years):There was an incident that happened when we were teens, affecting her and me both. I lost my connection with friends little by little. Life became a mess really. She chose to bring this up and how it affected her, (years later) when she introduced me to her - to be fiancee - FOR THE FIRST TIME, trying to pick up a fight then and there. She was 28F (in2020) at the time. I am not sure what she expected out of it and why she did that. When I brought incidences on how she had literally been an asshole to me all her life, she tried to justify herself looking at him as if the only person there purer than the purest water on earth was her. (Really?) I did not storm out or anything like that but handled it like a more mature person than her. It really made me think later though on how far she could go to paint a picture about me to someone who was going to be a part of the family. It also made me realize that I was right to think that she and mum had many conversations belittling me (which was obvious infront but not it was obvious behind my back too), My mother is a narcissist btw. She asked me one time this year if I wanted to stay at her house for a week since she and her now husband would be out there would be no one at home, I said okay. Now when I was leaving her house, since the door had automatic lock, I did not do the manual lock (from outside). I was on my way to the airport when she showed her disapproval on this. So I went back, but there was a malfunction on the door, it was not opening at all for me to even lock it. She was literally screaming on the phone over the video call. I could see my parents sitting behind in the video call, watching this whole ordeal, I tried opening this giant door, slamming myself to it but it did not budge. I eventually had to take help of the neighbour. He was a physically bigger person than me. And he too had trouble opening the door but with effort, he pushed it open. I was then able to lock the door automatically +manually.Later I noticed I had big blood clots (three) covering my right thigh, the side from which I was slamming myself on to the door. Even when she visits home, she tries to degrade my choices, my weight, anything related to me. I told her I like myself and how I do things.There was one time, when during our conversation she asked me what I wanted to eat (for the first time). I said no, she insisted. When I told her and it was a pretty cheap order, her reaction and the entire demeanor changed. She booked the order but was so agitated, didn't continue the call and I never said yes to any of her questions after. 2. Father : I took a break from my corporate career in 2021 to pursue a career in government. I asked my father if he was okay with me being at home to prepare. Initially, he said okay but it was clear later on that he really did not care on if I had my own space to prepare or the privacy. And no I don't have a room, I sleep in the drawing room on a deewan (bed) right infront of the main door. He watches TV all day and couldn't care less on what is happening elsewhere in the house.To cope with this and the guests, relatives and visits of my siblings (both elder sissy and brother), I started studying at night.In the morning, he could hardly care on how loud he is moving things around, arranging utensils or so. I am trying to get a job again to get my own place. I don't know how I managed this long at home with such things. 3. Brother : He is so self - righteous.Initially, he and I shared rooms. And he was always on the phone. One time I asked him to go to the balcony and talk or the other room and he said it was not convenient for him. I told him I am preparing for my government exam and what do you know? It turns into an altercation. My mother asked me to leave the room, being all about solutions. When I told her it's impacting my preparation and I have to give the exam, she said ' everyday is an exam' (seriously?) I cried a lot that day after I settled in my father's room.To make it seem like she was trying to help me, she asked my father to let me study for 2 hours each day. (Really? 2 hours?),which was not okay by him. He loves his TV and so.Oh well. He never apologized and still, till date, never apologizes even when he is in the wrong. He does apologize to my sister. It's all about the money she earns now. Because he often makes note of it and always looks at her salary. So I think that way, he is inclined to say sorry to her. He did not say sorry to her too before she was earning well. 4. My Mother: I think the person I had most issues with throughout my life is my mother. I love her for the being that resides in her but I oh so fucking hate her for how she treats me directly/ indirectly. She projects her limitations on me, always remarking 'oh you can't do that'.She has always wanted me to be less than my sister. How do I know this? She oftens pointed out in a derogatory way whenever I did well in life. I was the first in this family to get a well paid job and she was not happy about it, at all. When I was in the process of giving interview, I remember she remarked says 'That is, if you get this job, you will go there'. I was taken aback but I mean, what else did I expect. When I was earning well, these guys were all about me, asking me for gifts and things, which I was happy to oblige to. Now, she always ALWAYS like a speaker on the top of my head, speaks about how wonderful of a jobmy sister has, her salary, the new flat she is buying and how richlyand royally our new dog is living with her, something which he was not living like before, when he was living with her. About the government exams I am preparing for, she always talks about how less of a salary the posts have. I really don't have any idea about why she says these things. When I try to confront her, she takes it in a very defensive way and I'd not say anything to her at all. Now that my brother is in another city because of his job, she has taken the room.I had an interview yesterday and I asked her for the room (there is always someone coming and going in the drawing room) and the energy got so dull as if I was not entitled to it. How do you think would be the best way to navigate through these emotions and incidences?

Good Day! How are you doing? Did you have a pleasant day or night? Tell me about it! I'll make a cup of tea now. Would you like to have a tea, too? Or coffee? I moved last week, so everything is still a bit chaotic, haha. I'm thinking about how to best organize things in my new apartment, maybe you'd like to help me?
I enjoy travel and have been to thirteen different countries so far. Lately I mostly travel to different cities that are close by! I love taking public transport and listening to music during it - then again, I pretty much always listen to music. Exploring is another great thing and my biggest passion is probably photography (especially when combining all these things).
I read a lot and enjoy writing, too, as well as editing photos I take. I am a bit of a creative person and am also very much into self-improvement! I am learning French, cook and bake and like to cycle a lot. There are lots of other topics that interest me, like urban planning, technology, history, horror, politics and... Just a whole lot more. I also have a fable for fancy lighting and radios!
So... If any of that sounds interesting to you, why not reach out? We might have a pleasant conversation or might even become friends! We could share stories, photos that we took, just talk about our days, jobs, studies, life... I am open to many things! All I ask for is for you to not be inappropriate and to put in a little bit of effort! I am looking forward to meeting you. :)

My (32F) husband (38M) was just offered a job in Texas and we live in WI. We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 6. We have a 5 mo old and live a little under an hour from my parents. His parents live on the east coast. I’m self employed and work from home.
The job offer isn’t life changing money but a “2 level step in pay” which is a 10% raise for him. They cover relocation. It’s the job he’s been wanting and ultimately has been working towards. He was asked to apply by his bosses boss. It could take 3-4 years minimum to have the chance to go for this job again.
It could be a fun new chapter. Our son is young enough that it wouldn’t disrupt school or friendships. It doesn’t have to be a forever thing. I’ve never lived far away from home. It’s only a 2.5 hour flight. Our friends are growing up and not getting together like we used to.
What kind of money would you need to up and start over?
For those of you that moved in your 30s to a new state.. are you glad you did? How do you get over leaving close friends? Support system? I’ve never been more torn on what to do. Start the new chapter or stay with what’s comfortable where there’s support and less stress?

Good Day! How are you doing? Did you have a pleasant day or night? Tell me about it! I'll make a cup of tea now. Would you like to have a tea, too? Or coffee? I moved last week, so everything is still a bit chaotic, haha. I'm thinking about how to best organize things in my new apartment, maybe you'd like to help me?
I enjoy travel and have been to thirteen different countries so far. Lately I mostly travel to different cities that are close by! I love taking public transport and listening to music during it - then again, I pretty much always listen to music. Exploring is another great thing and my biggest passion is probably photography (especially when combining all these things).
I read a lot and enjoy writing, too, as well as editing photos I take. I am a bit of a creative person and am also very much into self-improvement! I am learning French, cook and bake and like to cycle a lot. There are lots of other topics that interest me, like urban planning, technology, history, horror, politics and... Just a whole lot more. I also have a fable for fancy lighting and radios!
So... If any of that sounds interesting to you, why not reach out? We might have a pleasant conversation or might even become friends! We could share stories, photos that we took, just talk about our days, jobs, studies, life... I am open to many things! All I ask for is for you to not be inappropriate and to put in a little bit of effort! I am looking forward to meeting you. :)

Context: Long standing depression, ptsd, anxiety, adhd. Haven’t self harmed, or guess maybe I have, but haven’t cut since I was 17. I’m 25 now. Tonight had a huge blow up fight with my SO. I ended up having a panic attack, I’ve been slapping myself in the face for a long time to snap out of hysteria/panic attack. Today it wasn’t working, I repeatedly hit myself. Gave myself two black eyes. My SO was disgusted and moving out probably. I have never hit myself I think this hard or this repeatedly. I have two black eyes. Called out of work tomorrow. But it’s like sinking in that that’s self harm, like I guess that should have been obvious but it felt like “ a snap out of it slap” so I’ve been letting it slide. I packed up to go inpatient then realized I don’t have insurance presently so no where is gonna admit me, new job benefits haven’t kicked in yet. I have an appointment with my therapist Monday. I just don’t know what to do…. I don’t think my SO will ever look at me the same if we don’t break up. I’ve never felt so ashamed and I don’t know where to go from here

The Lenovo Legion T5 Gamer Desktop Computer is a powerful gaming machine that offers exceptional performance and cutting-edge features. With its sleek design and high-quality components, it's no wonder that this computer has gained popularity among gamers and tech enthusiasts alike. In this article, we will delve into the various aspects of the Lenovo Legion T5 and explore what makes it a top choice for gamers.

1. The Lenovo Legion T5 is powered by the latest generation Intel Core processors, which deliver lightning-fast speeds and seamless multitasking capabilities.
   
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25. The computer comes with a range of ports and slots, making it easy to connect external devices such as gaming controllers, headphones, and micro
    

phones.

1. The Legion T5 is designed to be energy-efficient, helping you save on electricity costs while minimizing environmental impact.
   
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Hi, I am here to represent some of the aspects of the dysfunctional family of my parents. I have made peace with the past but there have been a few recent events with each family member that are bothering me lately. I am working on myself, reminding myself that although some of it is affecting me now, it does not really matter. Its the logical mind though which needs convincing. What should I do here? Any help is appreciated

1. My Elder Sister (her and I have an age gap of almost 2 years):There was an incident that happened when we were teens, affecting her and me both. I lost my connection with friends little by little. Life became a mess really. She chose to bring this up and how it affected her, (years later) when she introduced me to her - to be fiancee - FOR THE FIRST TIME, trying to pick up a fight then and there. She was 28F (in2020) at the time. I am not sure what she expected out of it and why she did that. When I brought incidences on how she had literally been an asshole to me all her life, she tried to justify herself looking at him as if the only person there purer than the purest water on earth was her. (Really?) I did not storm out or anything like that but handled it like a more mature person than her.

It really made me think later though on how far she could go to paint a picture about me to someone who was going to be a part of the family. It also made me realize that I was right to think that she and mum had many conversations belittling me (which was obvious infront but not it was obvious behind my back too), My mother is a narcissist btw.
She asked me one time this year if I wanted to stay at her house for a week since she and her now husband would be out there would be no one at home, I said okay. Now when I was leaving her house, since the door had automatic lock, I did not do the manual lock (from outside). I was on my way to the airport when she showed her disapproval on this. So I went back, but there was a malfunction on the door, it was not opening at all for me to even lock it. She was literally screaming on the phone over the video call. I could see my parents sitting behind in the video call, watching this whole ordeal, I tried opening this giant door, slamming myself to it but it did not budge. I eventually had to take help of the neighbour. He was a bigger person than me. And he too had trouble opening the door but with effort, he pushed it open. I was then able to lock the door automatically +manually.Later I noticed I had big blood clots (three) covering my right thigh, the side from which I was slamming myself on to the door.
Even when she visits home, she tries to degrade my choices, my weight, anything related to me. I told her I like myself and how I do things.There was one time, when during our conversation she asked me what I wanted to eat (for the first time). I said no, she insisted. When I told her and it was a pretty cheap order, her reaction and the entire demeanor changed. She booked the order but was so agitated, didn't continue the call and I never said yes to any of her questions after.

1. Father : I took a break from my corporate career in 2021 to pursue a career in government. I asked my father if he was okay with me being at home to prepare. Initially, he said okay but it was clear later on that he really did not care on if I had my own space to prepare or the privacy. And no I don't have a room, I sleep in the drawing room on a deewan.

He watches TV all day and couldn't care less on what is happening elsewhere in the house.To cope with this and the guests, relatives and visits of my siblings (both elder sissy and brother), I started studying at night.In the morning, he could hardly care on how loud he is moving things around, arranging utensils or so. I am trying to get a job again to get my own place. I don't know how I managed this long at home with such things.

1. Brother : He is so self - righteous.Initially, he and I shared rooms. And he was always on the phone. One time I asked him to go to the balcony and talk or the other room and he said it was not convenient for him. I told him I am preparing for my government exam and what do you know? It turns into an altercation. My mother asked me to leave the room, being all about solutions. When I told her it's impacting my preparation and I have to give the exam, she said ' everyday is an exam' (seriously?)

I cried a lot that day after I settled in my father's room.To make it seem like she was trying to help me, she asked my father to let me study for 2 hours each day. (Really? 2 hours?),which was not okay by him. He loves his TV and so.Oh well.
He never apologized and still, till date, never apologizes even when he is in the wrong. He does apologize to my sister. It's all about the money she earns now. Because he often makes note of it and always looks at her salary. So I think that way, he is inclined to say sorry to her. He did not say sorry to her too before she was earning well.

1. My Mother: I think the person I had most issues with throughout my life is my mother. I love her for the being that resides in her but I oh so fucking hate her for how she treats me directly/ indirectly.

She projects her limitations on me, always remarking 'oh you can't do that'.She has always wanted me to be less than my sister. How do I know this? She oftens pointed out in a derogatory way whenever I did well in life.
I was the first in this family to get a well paid job and she was not happy about it, at all. When I was in the process of giving interview, I remember she remarked says 'That is, if you get this job, you will go there'. I was taken aback but I mean, what else did I expect.
When I was earning well, these guys were all about me, asking me for gifts and things, which I was happy to oblige to.
Now, she always ALWAYS like a speaker on the top of my head, speaks about how wonderful of a jobmy sister has, her salary, the new flat she is buying and how richlyand royally our new dog is living with her, something which he was not living like before, when he was living with her.
About the government exams I am preparing for, she always talks about how less of a salary the posts have. I really don't have any idea about why she says these things. When I try to confront her, she takes it in a very defensive way and I'd not say anything to her at all.
Now that my brother is in another city because of his job, she has taken the room.I had an interview yesterday and I asked her for the room (there is always someone coming and going in the drawing room) and the energy got so dull as if I was not entitled to it.
How do you think would be the best way to navigate through these emotions and incidences?

Created a new account, bc family has main. Please forgive formatting, on mobile, etc.
So I've been feeling really burnt out lately. It seems like parenting is taking up all of my time, to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. I have 3 young kids ages 2, 4, and 7. Mom isn't in the picture anymore for "reasons". My job is 12 hour shifts, which I'm very lucky that grandparents provide most of the childcare. All in all, not a terrible situation. Kids are happy, know that they're loved, and we're scraping by.
My issue is, I feel like I've lost my entire identity. I work, I come home, get the kids dinner, baths, and go through the bedtime routine. Once they're in bed I pack lunches, get bags ready, take care of the pets, and generally get ready for the next day. After all that I'm exhausted, but I find myself staying up anyways just to have some time to sit finally. I always end up going to bed later than I should, and have a severe caffeine addiction because of it. I never really go out, unless it's to take the kids somewhere. Friends are almost non-existent, bc you can only say "I can't" so many times before you stop getting invited. I feel like the me I used to be is gone and I'm a shell of my former self, just going through the motions.
I know it's not fair to my kids to be like this, so I've been doing teletherapy on my lunch breaks. But it's still a very lonely existence, and it's wearing me down.

Neil previously became very stuck in religious politics, and had to explain why he is fully Agnostic not Atheist. Here is a short video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzSMC5rWvos
People try to bring him down with lists of everything he said that is wrong like "blind as a bat" and others. I myself left a comment on one of his YouTube videos to cool it on the "Theory of Intelligent Design" being scientifically impossible, because I have one and resources are now at Reddit IDTheory.
I could have held a grudge for indirectly making my work look unscientific. But in science a person has to get used to the science arena accidents that can happen, especially during a wedge war. Have to lick our wounds then get back into battle.
The universe likely always was and always will be, as in modern Cyclic Models. Big Bang Theory is wrongly believed to be suggesting energy came out of nowhere when the model uses math to squeeze the already existing energy into a tiny point in space then lets it go bang. Physicists including Albert Einstein have for decades been working on what happened before any "bang" or "whoosh".
You may have not known all this either, in which case everything you ever said about this was was wrong. You have to add all that to your list, for yourself. How long is that one?
I have to go by the percentage of time a person is right, and how they self-correct. In that case Neil is way ahead.
I'm also very much an Agnostic. In my case mostly because its founding father (Darwin's Bulldog) Thomas Huxley describing the methodology I was using, to write the 100% scientific ID theory. I have to be separate from the philosophical Theist versus Atheist arguments like "bad design" versus "good design" reasoning. Testable scientific grounds only. Agnosticism makes this easy:

Agnosticism is of the essence of science, whether ancient or modern. It simply means that a man shall not say he knows or believes that which he has no scientific grounds for professing to know or believe. Consequently, agnosticism puts aside not only the greater part of popular theology, but also the greater part of anti-theology. On the whole, the "bosh" of heterodoxy is more offensive to me than that of orthodoxy, because heterodoxy professes to be guided by reason and science, and orthodoxy does not. --- Thomas Huxley
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnosticism#Defining_agnosticism

Emerging Systems Biology led to an emerging Cognitive Biology and we all now need to understand cell intelligence, just to conceptualize how biological development works.
The biofilm in your toilet tank is now known to be wired up much like a brain. Bacterial cells grow their own long relatively high speed electrochemical communication pipelines, share genetic information too. I would not be surprised by some of them detecting our arrival then letting the rest know they just heard the seat go down, and prepare for another flush! While you thought you were all alone eh?
Being current in science as of 2023 is a whole new world view, where a theory that even Neil thought was impossible is no longer an issue. Became part of the science fun of Thomas Huxley level Agnosticism where there is a (scientific) method.
The scientific community putting all the thought they could into proving my hypotheses concerning "intelligent cause" to be false, is in a way like me using them to find out what can on scientific grounds be professed about such a thing. In turn helps to write the theory. The "scientific method" on steroids. No shame in that, at all. And I have to thank them, thank you.
Neil can roll his eyes and be thankful for the way it helped leave the past behind, while winning a wedge war with their own damn premise for a theory, using the same methodology Thomas Huxley was using by inviting heated debates with the best around. A traveling scientific arena, for before the communication age.
Agnosticism is this way destined have a very bright future. What it was, is now history.

Simple self posts asking a question about a conspiracy should happen more. That allows discussion to take place. Don't be shy, nothing is "too stupid".
I mean, skynet is here now and we're toast anyway. The last generation to experience the world before the robots took over. Practically all humans born into this new world IoT grid are half cyborg as far as I'm concerned. 100% connected to skynet's security apparatus (5g, facial recognition to entepay etc) and never looking back. Oh you want a coffee? Look at that camera for clearance, you ant.
Yikes, I digress. Anyway, let's kick up the activity up in this sh1tbox. Cheers!

My (32F) husband (38M) was just offered a job in Texas and we live in WI. We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 6. We have a 5 mo old and live a little under an hour from my parents. His parents live on the east coast. I’m self employed and work from home.
The job offer isn’t life changing money but a “2 level step in pay” which is a 10% raise for him. They cover relocation. It’s the job he’s been wanting and ultimately has been working towards. He was asked to apply by his bosses boss. It could take 3-4 years minimum to have the chance to go for this job again.
It could be a fun new chapter. Our son is young enough that it wouldn’t disrupt school or friendships. It doesn’t have to be a forever thing. I’ve never lived far away from home. It’s only a 2.5 hour flight. Our friends are growing up and not getting together like we used to.
What kind of money would you need to up and start over?
For those of you that moved in your 30s to a new state.. are you glad you did? How do you get over leaving close friends? Support system? I’ve never been more torn on what to do. Start the new chapter or stay with what’s comfortable where there’s support and less stress?

Had a lower end pre-built pc (ryzen 3, 2gb gtx 770, 8gb ram, etc.) a whiiiile ago and had it for a few years before finally decided to get rid of it. I’ve always been a console gamer throughout the different generations even now, with one of my newest additions being the Xbox series S I got for around $300 (USD). It’s really solid handles 1080p at 120fps and 4k at 30fps but I’m starting to get bored of the lack of user created content like mods/maps for lots of my favorite games so I’m beginning to re-enter the realm of pc gaming once again. I want to try and make a budget build for my first time actually building my own pc and as a novice way to get into the hobby but for a similar price of what I got my Xbox series s for, $300, and with similar performance if not better.
So far I’ve managed to get a new in box 8gb MSI Radeon R9 390 gpu for only $50 and a like new ASRock B450 Pro AM4/DDR4 motherboard also for $50. Currently looking at a like new Ryzen 5 Pro cpu for $30 and 16gb of ddr4 Ripjaw ram for $20. Then planning on looking around spending another $50-$100 for the rest of coolers/fans, power supply, and towecase. And another $50-$100 on storage. For the price I think it’s well worth it and I think I’m going to be satisfied with the results compared to my Xbox and upgrading from my old pc from years ago.
Based on benchmarks and videos showcasing it, and from others users reviews, the MSI Radeon R9 390 (with other similar specs to my build) it can handle most new modern games in 2k/1440p UHD at 60-120fps on average with highest max settings.
Let me know what you think of my budget build :)

This is not a Weevil Woman story (my actual MIL). She was out of our lives by this point. However, FIL has remarried and my Step MIL is wild.
The man has a type, and that type is purebred crazy bitch. As another commenter noted, his dick is a dowsing rod for crazy.
She has been described before, and more of her antics are posted previously. But, the gist is that she is The Anti Fun. A black hole of humorless, fun sucking misery.
She hates anything that even has a whiff of whimsy, an iota of frivolity… really anything that isn’t within the narrow bounds of what she defines as “intellectual” and “serious”.
One of her particular areas of concentrated chaotic evil is food.
Flavor is The Enemy. Flavor leads to enjoyment, enjoyment leads to eating. Flavor of any kind is met with a shocked “Que rico!” and immediately shunned. (Why yes, she does have a raging eating disorder.)
No salt, no garlic, no pepper, no spicy. Rosemary, weirdly, is OK but that’s it.
Also, nobody in her vicinity is allowed to consume anything she deems “rico”. I mean, you CAN. She will just make you regret it. Pouting, crying, sulking and general intense hatred beamed directly into the soul of whoever was dumb enough to enjoy food in her presence.
This particular Christmas some years ago, Step MIL was out of her element. She was being forced to have Christmas at BIL’s house, since he had the small children.
As an aside, I oil paint. Creepy landscapes these days. But back in college I did a number of life size, realistic self portraits… some nude, some draped nude. (YIKES, but what can I say- I was a teenager in art skool.)
I had lost track of them over the decades, until we saw BIL’s big multistory foyer, recently redecorated post divorce. One portrait is a 6’x4’ with phthalo blue figure (c’est moi) with a background of a cadmium yellow and orange landscape. Its huge and fucking eye crossingly vibrant. Suddenly, so was the foyer! And… yep, them’s my titties.
BIL had found the portraits in storage, painted his foyer to match them and hung them up. To annoy his ex wife I assume but frankly I don’t want to know.
So this entire scene unfolded under two pair of my bright phthalo blue life size tits. Just to set the mood.
Anyway, back to the main event: this set up meant Step MIL had less control over the food.
There was an omelet. BIL had seasoned it, the poor sap. Probably cooked it in butter, and there were peppers in it. Que rico, indeed! She was visibly seething over the omelet. Dicing the tablespoon she had generously deposited on her plate into tiny pieces and glaring savagely at anyone who was actually consuming the abomination of flavor.
Someone must be made to suffer for this intolerably delicious affront of an omelet.
Husband had not yet noticed the ominous silence at the other end of the table.
He innocently started a conversation, which somehow segued into a discussion of the scientific method with his dad.
She snapped. The crazy was done brewing and had reached a fine, roiling boil.
Omelet was hurled. The scientific method was imaginary! We were denying the subjective nature of reality! The plate was launched next. She started slamming her fists on the table and full throated, well supported by her diaphragm with excellent projection, screaming.
Everyone scattered like cockroaches. Unfortunately husband got sucked into the witless argument and remained.
Suddenly I saw this… weird sparkly spot in my left field of vision. Was I finally losing it? Had my bright blue boobs on the orange background actually broken my brain?
It started spreading… and spreading. I went to hide in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and realized half my field of vision was zig zag sparkly. Was I dying? Hopefully? PLEASE SWEET BABY JEEBUS, TAKE ME NOW. As I listened to more screaming and breaking of innocent crockery in the distance.
(Of course, it was a migraine aura. Which I had never had before. Thanks Step MIL!)
When the headache kicked in moments later, I pretty much grabbed my husband and ran for the door, leaving Step MIL sobbing with rage amidst the omelet wreckage.

Just like the title says, that's our family got basically duped into repurchasing the same car. We've consulted with a lawyer but have hit a dead end. By the way, this is in TX. Here's the story:
My brother bought a 2018 Toyota Camry in 2019 and had been paying it off himself. He had a cosigner but because the cosigner had bad credit (he was our only option), the interest rate on the car payments was around 18% and the car loan in total with interest rate ended up being $26,000. Here's where I need your help:
A few months ago, my brother reached $11,000 in remaining balance on the car after years of making $600 monthly payments. He was finally seeing the end of the tunnel and decided to refinance the car. Unfortunately, he was denied in over 12 banks because he's on a work visa. During a routine maintenance for the car at the dealership, he decided to ask about a refinance with the dealership (after consulting with a lawyer, we know this was our first mistake). He told them about the high interest rate and how the car had a balance of $11,000 and he just wanted to refinance to bring down the interest rate. The finance manager said that what he could do was buy the car from him and sell it back to him with a lower rate on the remaining balance of $11,000. Perfect so far. We went through the process of finding another bank to refinance, the dealership restocked the car, cleaned it, put paper plates, did a state inspection on it, and while it was getting ready, we were signing papers (second mistake). He signed a bunch of stuff and we were told we were going to get copies of everything (It took over two weeks to get those copies. We had to go in person to ask for them). Eventually, we finished and they told us that because of the work visa, he wasn't approved for the original 8% interest rate but that the best they could do was 14% interest rate with another bank. We knew there would be a catch along the way and we figured this was the catch. He signed and we left.
When he finally got the loan info from the new bank in the mail, it said remaining balance: $38,000. We were completely shocked so we went to the dealership and they didn't respond any questions, said they couldn't reverse anything, said no one forced us to sign anything, and told us that we couldn't refinance or trade the car in for another 6-12 months. The finance manager told us that it was a good thing because that way my brother could work on his credit and keep making payments. I argued that he wasted the last 3-4 years because they were worthless now and that it didn't make sense that he would pay $40,000 for a 2018 car. The guy shrugged and said there was nothing he could do. Another guy apologized and suggested that we sold the car online to pay off the debt.
We went to a lawyer and after reading through the papers my brother signed, he told my brother that unfortunately, he was stuck paying double for the same old car because he had signed that the power of attorney be changed back to the dealership on the car title and that was what made it legal. He suggested that we go to our county's District Attorney's office and file a formal complaint against the dealership but my brother is extremely bummed out and wants to forget about the car that once used to make him happy.
What should we do? I know we did everything wrong but I can't stand the thought of him paying $40,000 for a 2018 car given that he had already paid $15,000 on it for the last 3-4 years.

So my girlfriend (28F) and I (31M) are moving into a new place in a few weeks. We’re trying to set things up so both of us have our own personal spaces for things we like to do; in addition to her 9 year-old son and our 10-month old baby.
She’s a HUGE reader and she has nearly a thousand books (we counted them about a year ago, so it’s probably well over a thousand by now). Our current apartment isn’t that big and she has her bookshelves lining almost all the wall space in our living room, plus stacks and stacks of books on the floor in front of all the bookshelves because they don’t fit on the shelves. It’s enough to where it’s hard to even get to the living room window to look outside. She also has a desk in the corner for her writing.
In our new house, I’ve been adamant about wanting my own space for my video gaming. When I can find the time, at least. I haven’t had my own space for a very long time because there’s no room for my desk anywhere in our apartment. When she got pregnant with our son, I had to move my desk to our basement storage to make room for his crib, and now his dresser. So yeah; definitely want to finally have a small corner for just me in the new house. Even in bed, I have almost no space for my stuff at bedside. She has an end table and I have a six-inch space between the bed and the wall for setting my stuff.
The incident in question came up tonight when talking about the two closets upstairs in the new house. She would like to use both of them for her clothes because they’re not very big. I said I’d like to have somewhere to put my clothes now that I can because I’ve had to live out of a clean clothes basket for the past few years due to not having room for my own dresser and no room in our current closet. I said I’d be okay with her using both of them, but I’d like to get a dresser, to which she said there might not be room for me to get a dresser.
Then I calmly suggested maybe, for now, putting a bookshelf’s worth of books that she doesn’t touch into a tote and storing them in the basement so there’d be a little more room. There are one or two shelves containing books she hasn’t touched in years. She got very offended by this. She pretty much said I’m not taking her love of books into consideration and that they give her comfort. She said I hurt her feelings by suggesting that because I know it’s her dream to pretty much live in a library in her home and that she feels judged. I’m going to state word-for-word to the best of my ability the way I apologized because she got upset that I didn’t do it right. I said something along the lines of, “I’m sorry. I’m really not trying to hurt your feelings. I’m just trying to think logistically and the books take up a lot of space.” Maybe that’s not the proper way to apologize, I don’t know. I really wasn’t trying to hurt her; I just want us all to have room for stuff we love. Any advice for this?
tl;dr: I want her to have her book collection, but I also want to have room in our new house.

Context, I have an elemental magic system (fire, water, wind, you get the point), which I explained in another post, for an rpg game and I was thinking of making a classification system for spells in which magic is organized this way:

1. Type of element self explanatory
2. Type of magic The magic type represents the action you want to do in the magic and although there are constant magic types most are unique for each element. Examples: Materialization, Temperature Control, Transmutation, Detection, etc. These magic in turn can have some ramifications such as Materialization having Infusion (Allows you to add the materialized element to an object without damaging it or yourself).
3. Base of the spell The spells will be very simple and relatively weak, but will have several combinable upgrades to make the spell worthwhile. Examples: • Wind Materialization: Wind Orb • Fire materialization: Infusion: Flaming sword • Water temperature control: Boil water
4. Spell improvements Can be complex ideas that make use of the spell in a completely new way, or minor modifications such as stat changes, spell effect changes, direct upgrades, animation changes, etc. Examples: • Flaming sword: Flame swipe (Discharges the imfusion in a slow swipe, dealing a ton of damage in a "explosion") • Wind orb: Stable flow (You throw the orb following the flow of the wind, allowing you to breake the orb and do damage on contact) • Boil water: Boiling point (You increase the temperature of the water slightly, evaporating it and generating a large mist around you)

In general the goal of this is to add a kind of "customization" to the magic and thus allow people to have much more unique spells, while making the combat of the game not feel so monotonous, repetitive and boring.
This also adds an extra layer of complexity to the magic in the lore point of view, giving me the opportunity to do unique magic, spells or improvements that important characters in the story or in the lore have done; Making this whole system feel more believable in history and unique compared to others.
Postscript: Writing this an idea occurred to me but since I didn't know where to add it I decided to write it here: The first person to craft a spell with a specific combination will end up with her name on it, meaning the next person to get the spell will see for example "Created and Originally Conceived by: Mc Jaimito the second" in her description. But since I'm not sure of the obtaining methods for the spells and/or improvements yet + it doesn't make much sense that magically everyone knows that this spell belongs to that person, I'll probably limit this to only some characters important to the lore history.

Why does this game seem to hate the magic path? Theirs just so so much against you at every possible turn.
Increased food and water consumption is whatever, fine I can deal with that. But fucking back-casting? Its literally insane that you can do self damage basically just because. You can kill yourself because you tried to do the main thing you're supposed to be doing.
Imagine if you we're playing a 2H Sword and the game went "Whoops sorry, you fucked your swing up bad and cut your own foot off!" Or a bow build and the game went "Oooo sorry bud, the string on it snapped so now you're main weapon is broken and useless and you'll have to buy a new one and get it re-string for an insane amount of money" Staff Build "You hit this guy with really hard armor and so your staff broke in half!"
And not to mention the first two bosses have insanely high magic resistance, and don't get me started on mage hunters. It just seems this game wants to turn you away from its magic trees at every single opportunity and I don't understand