TL;DR my wife was slightly abusive years ago, and after coming out as polyamorous and finding a new partner, her abusive ways have started to resurface again. What can I do to fix our relationship?
Throwaway account for obvious reasons. This is a two-part post so bear with me. About four (4) years ago, I married the love of my life who I had known for several years in college before dating. Besides a few red flags, she was truly the perfect woman and I couldn’t be happier with her. My wife became pregnant about 2 years into our marriage, and at first we were both ecstatic.
My wife first began to change during her pregnancy, which I mostly chalked up to her hormonal imbalance and she would become irritable and sometimes hostile. There were several times where she would become argumentative over small things which I would apologize for, and a few instances where dishes were broken. Despite this, I always apologized and believed to myself that this would all go away when we had our child and that my wife would return to being the happy, cheerful person I married.
When our daughter was born, however, I could tell something was different right away. She didn’t really look a lot like me, as she appeared mixed and I’m very pale, but I signed the birth certificate anyway as I felt I could trust my wife. When we finally returned home, things were not all happy as I’d hoped they’d be. My wife become angrier and resentful, as she felt I wasn’t doing enough to provide for her and our child. There were several times where she became physical, to the point where on more than one occasion she was screaming in my ear and would slap me or throw things if I tried to walk away. I promised her that I would be better and started taking on more hours at work and sometimes took the late shifts.
It was during this time that one of my wife’s old coworkers (we’ll call him J- 36M) offered to come help my wife with the baby sometimes while I was away at work. I was very grateful for the help, as I was usually dead tired from coming home late from work every night. Sometimes I would come home and J’s car would be there, and I would usually just come in and pass out on the couch since J and my wife were usually upstairs, presumably taking care of our baby. I was grateful to have such good friends around, and I would usually make them both breakfast in the morning before heading to work again.
However, I couldn’t get past the feeling when I realized one morning that our daughter resembled J closely. At first, my wife was furious when I asked for a paternity test, which I apologized profusely for ever even questioning her loyalty, but after a few more weeks I just had to go through with it, and I was devastated to finally learn that our beautiful daughter was not mine. My world was absolutely crushed, and when I tearfully confronted my wife and J about it, she was at first apologetic before J stood behind her and she began telling me all the ways that I fell short in our marriage- that I could never satisfy her needs, that I wasn’t charismatic enough and she needed to explore and be open and free with her sexuality and she felt trapped with me, etc. She also said it was still my responsibility to care for our daughter, since my name was on the birth certificate. I agreed with her, hugged and apologized to my wife, and decided there that we were gonna stick together and make it through this for our little girl, no matter who the father was.
We went through couples counseling together, and it was during this time that my wife truly made it known how unhappy she was before in our marriage, and why she felt the need to cheat on me and how she had been sleeping with J before and after her pregnancy. I’ll admit, it was hard to listen to, but I stood by and supported my wife while she fully explained the way she was feeling. I was a bit surprised then when our counselor told me that my wife was absolutely in the right, but i understood when she explained that the way my wife was feeling was valid, that I should’ve done more for her romantically, and she suggested that I may not be enough to satisfy my wife’s needs.
At our counselors behest, I gave J full rights to see our daughter and stay over sometimes to help co parent with my wife. It was during this time that my wife approached me one day and opened up to me by coming out as polyamorous. She stated she had been exploring these feelings for quite some time, and she felt she needed more partners in her life to fully find and discover herself. While this was difficult at first for me to grasp, I remembered what our counselor said and I fully accepted and supported my wife for who she was, and agreed to open our marriage.
For the first few weeks, I would accompany my wife to the bar and to clubs with her friends while she searched for a prospective partner. My wife would point out guys she felt the need for, which admittedly would make me somewhat uncomfortable and would usually stand somewhere to the side while her friends would get her drunk enough to go talk to guys. As I was usually her DD, my wife’s friends were usually heavily intoxicated as well and would not make me feel any better about the situation. One time, one of them even poured a drink on my head while I wasn’t looking and the rest of them laughed. If my wife did find a partner she liked, she would get in their car and leave with them to go back to our house, and I would usually just go over and stay the night on a friends couch or sleep in my car. There were several nights where I’d cry myself to sleep, but I told myself to stay strong in order to fix our marriage and keep our family together.
Continued in the comments…

This is by far not the only story I have of my toxic mother, but it's a good one. Sadly, even tho I cut her out of my life I am still dealing with the ramifications of her abuse years later.
Let me preface this by saying I am estranged from my mother and have been for most of my life. She is a paranoid narcissist, a racist, a homophobe, a xenophobe, and just all around terrible person. She abused me growing up so I cut loose in high school, got emancipated and got on with my life. For years I had a happy queer relationship with another woman and we had a son together (I carried with a sperm donor). When my kid was 5 his other mom died and I was alone for 5 years before I met someone. A year later, that someone and I got married. Previous to said wedding my husband’s parents felt it would be important to meet my parents. My father died when I was 19 so that left my mother and her husband. I struggled over the decision to try and reconnect with my mom, knowing how bad this can get for me in these situations (I suffer severe ptsd from the abuse trauma).. but it was a wedding and everyone kept telling me it “was important to have family together.” So fine, let’s do this.
The problems started fast and furious. My mom came to our coast (we live on opposite coasts) to meet my fiancé and my son. Right away she was pulling my husband to the corner to tell him all the “dirt” she could on me, or conversely, telling him he better get me nice cars and plastic surgery. Then she stated calling all of her friends and putting my fiancé on the phone to “prove to them that her daughter was marrying a doctor” (even if he is a goyem (a Yiddish term for non-Jew. Has slightly derogatory tones). Cut to lunch and my mother is asking how many tables she “gets” at the wedding. I ask “huh?” She explains she needs a least 5 tables at 10 per table for HER guests. I was really confused. I explained that our whole wedding venue seated 50 people total and those seats were spoken for. I had invited several people my mother asked me to have already. She went absolutely bananas demanding we change venue (we’re now 6 weeks from the wedding) to accommodate HER GUESTS. I painfully explained we can’t do that.. it’s not possible.. just no. She then switches gears like she always does and asks about our honeymoon. We’re we’re heading to Mexico for 2 weeks and my son would be staying with his donomyBFF. My mom screamed “what??? He needs to be with HIS FAMILY.” I reminded her that he was staying with family. She demanded time with my son so I half heartedly said she could have him half the time. (This will come back to haunt me later.)
Cut to the wedding. Did I mention my mom is a low key alkie? So it’s about 2pm and she’s in the bridal suite in the bathroom. I’m in the dress and the photographer is waiting for my mother to come and use an antique button-holer to button up my gown. I'm emotional because I'm in the dress and I feel beautiful and I'm excited and nervous. This is one of the photos we had pre-planned to take and I asked her if she wanted to do the honors. Instead, my mother is in the bathroom half dressed with her fireball and ice screaming into the phone at her husband “You are so stupid, how can you not find it!? I put it on the damn dresser! I can’t f**ing believe I married you…” you get the picture. It’s so loud the guests in the living room of the suite can hear it. I finally give up and have my son do the buttonholing for me (the pics were so special). Thank goodness it wasn’t video because you would have her my mother screaming “Can anyone get me another drink?? Does this room even have room service??”
Cut to walking down the aisle. We do the ceremony, it’s perfect, and my delightful friend who's officiating announces “Introducing Mr. & Mrs Jon— when suddenly my mom stands up and screams “It’s DOCTOR not MISTER, get it right!” Now I knew we had a problem on our hands ahead of the big day so I put in some contingency plans in place to buffer her. My wedding planner was under strict instructions to not allow my mother to make a speech (she loves to humiliate me by saying personal things about me to anyone who will listen and then she loves to announce what a terrible daughter I am and how much of a disappointment to her.) Second plan was my SIL faking a heart attack if she got her hands on the mic. About half thru dinner my delightful planner comes to me crying saying she’s so sorry but my mom is demanding to make a speech. That’s right, this tiny demon of a woman made my wedding planner CRY. Right then she stood up (have no idea how she got the mic) and said, “So my daughter didn’t want me to say anything. I guess she gets embarrassed, but I’m her MOTHER, and I get to say whatever I want. I’m here to say that I always knew she was going to marry a doctor, it didn’t surprise me at all. What did surprise me is when I gave birth to her and the nurses told me she was a girl, but I didn’t believe them so I had to take her diaper off and spread her legs and look at her vagina to make sure she was a girl.” She illustrated this by spreading her two fingers open. You could here jaws dropping around the room. She then went on to say “how disappointed she was in me that I don’t see her more often and that she hopes now that I have a doctor husband I’ll be able to see her more frequently”. Sadly my SIL was in the loo and plan 2 failed.
Cut to the dancing. I am dancing with my husband and my friends. We’re all having a good time when somebody comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder and says “hey, I don’t wanna cause a scene or anything but you might want to look at your mom”. I look over at my mother and she has taken off the jacket to her dress and now she’s peeling off the shoulder straps one by one and waving her head around to the music saying “oh my goodness it’s getting so hot in here!” This b*tch was trying to take her clothes off on the dance floor. Oh, I forgot to mention earlier that she had a three drink maximum, but she was getting around this by asking other people to get drinks for her.Cut to the next morning and I got to hear alllllll the embarrassing stories from the night before. She asked why my friend married “an Arab,” called another guest “not Jewish enough to attend the wedding” and complained to anyone who would listen that I didn’t even allow her 50 guests, and the party would have been so much more fun if she had done it. And the pièce de ré·sis·tance? As we were leaving for our honeymoon I got a call from her saying “I know you need me to watch your kid, but not unless you do something for me. You’ll need to call your brother and make nice with him again.” My brother and I are estranged for reasons I can’t get into now. I said no, he’ll go to his real family, the one that cares for him without strings attached.
There you have it! If you're considering inviting a toxic parent to your wedding- DON'T. For anyone interested, we don’t talk anymore and I couldn’t be happier. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Has anyone, and in what context (time of hire, when calling out/ needing sick days needed more frequently) told your employer of hashimotos & any other autoimmune issues you may or may not?
I did mention casually, In passing to direct supervisor of new job (I have been only been here 2.5, almost 3 months now), that I have autoimmune issues and that’s why I keep letting her know I have quick virtual checks in w my doc but that this isn’t ongoing and only scheduled because of a recent dose change- she said no problem and didn’t ask any further questions or seem to mind at all. This was within the first month of employment.
The past 2 weeks have been rough- I called out 2 weeks ago feeling like shit, said I might caught have strep after being exposed- this was probably the start of my levels swinging and symptoms worsening. Which happened slowly but surely throughout the last 2 weeks. I started falling behind and moving slower, missing some due dates too. This isn’t good being that I’m so new - last Thursday and Friday it came to breaking point and I was in a huge flare up. I managed to work half the day thurs but had to end early (told supervisor was having a flare up day and should be fine by tomorrow ), but there was not a chance in the world I would have been able to work Friday bc my symptoms got much worse . I called out at 6am - it was a big day and probably worst day to call out. I missed 2 important meetings and 2 deadlines. I couldn’t stand up and was in bed sleeping from when I called out in early AM til 6pm. Every once in a while I’d open eyes and apparently agree to send an email or report (don’t even remember these texts), but I never did.. I physically couldn’t have even if I wanted to and could reach my laptop.
Saturday morning I got a text apologizing for the weekend text but she doesn’t see any reports in her inbox, heard I didn’t cancel meeting with someone, and that “I really need to focus” because my reports must be submitted by Monday 8Am”
Trying to explain what it feels to be in a flare seems like a waste of time/ energy . She didn’t reply when I told her I physically could not work or send any of the things on Friday….plus hi- I called out sick, not sure why I’d be expected to work. I said the flare up was horrible but apologized again because I did miss a big day full of important mtgs, etc .
I was thinking of asking my doc to write a general letter saying while I am capable of working, there likely will be times a flare up occurs and I have to call out. I don’t want/ need accommodations or for this to become a big formal HR thing. I just don’t want her to think I’m lying….
Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated !

Hi, More about me...European, the mid-40s, 5'11, 165lbs, hung, clean (tested Feb. 23), very well educated and successful, funny, athletic, and fit. I am happy to host in SF or travel to you.
I enjoy very much the synergy of a Kinky woman or couple, into scenarios where I am using my strong hands and demeanor to overwhelm you and reveal your slutty side.
I am into different scenarios that include for example oral, verbal, dirty talks, spanking, hair pulling, if a couple: Hotwife role play, and good pounding until we are in ecstasy. I am open to hear what your interests are and willing to explore those with you if the chemistry is right. Of course, I will be happy to take it at your own pace and make sure you are comfortable in case you are a newbie.
Provide a thoughtful description of yourself (stats, things you enjoy, past experience if any) and a picture through the chat.
I am looking forward to connecting.
T.

I’m not suicidal, I don’t necessarily want to die. I guess I just wish I didn’t exist. I used to be happy. I had a great childhood and high school wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t awful I had some great times and a small circle of good friends. My mom and I used to be best friends, my sister and I used to be best friends. I would laugh at any and everything until I couldn’t breathe, colors were bright and I was overall a joyful, optimistic, and resilient person. Since starting my 20s though, life has been nothing but an uphill battle and I’m just tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling alone, misunderstood, and not valued or cared for. Even if I’m not, I just can’t shake the feeling. I’m tired of waking up every morning feeling empty and void. I’m tired of fighting with people, my mind, and with my past, future and present. I’m just so tired.

I’m fortunate to have an office right now. I have equipment for my own small businesses that I’m considering renting out but I’d like to help out those who need it most and maybe find and link up some people with like interests and complementing needs to look out for and help each other.
I’m not sure exactly what would be wanted/ needed. Or what the arrangement would be exactly. I’m open to suggestions. Per my lease I have to be here the entire time a guest is present, basic cleanliness standards and reasonable and respectful noise rules are really the only restrictions.
I have a laser printer, laptop with Adobe suit, Cricut Maker, hat press, heat press, mini press, button maker, sewing supplies, needle point supplies, screen printing supplies, painting supplies, leather making supplies, beading supplies jewelry making supplies.
Tools including, drills, rotary tool, hand tools, circular saw, multi-tool, reciprocating saw, sander, router, etc. Some will need to be used at the park or after business hours in the parking lot.
I have and can get the extra attachments as needed to make anything the Cricut Maker 3 is capable of. I have vinyl, t-shirt making vinyl, sticker paper, laminate, color card stock, paper of different weight, etc.
I can offer some things at the clearance prices I pay for them and you can bring your own. We can also discuss your needs and to be able to put an order in together to make is cheaper at a bulk rate or such.
I’m also looking for a graphic designer to make a few graphics for me. Cannabis friendly artists please link your portfolios. You do not have to be local.
I also work in Neurofeedback and will need a new trainer soon. I’m looking to meet any nurses that may want to be on call for in home appointments. I’m looking for good heads. Those clients are a little high maintenance, think wealthy and neurodivergent. Uniform is scrubs with branded logo (I can put it on any type you like or a branded t-shirt and black joggers)
I’d also like to see how a group could shop collectively in bulk to save money and allow for higher cost things to be divided to allow a treat but at a lower price. For example use my Costco card buy the pre discussed list and then buy individually at the bulk price.
For anyone interested I’d like to find divers who can trade and sell me their scores. It’s sometimes impossible to save so much food from going to waste. I’m happy to buy/ trade direct from divers and divide as needs as well, open to ideas and suggestions. Ooo Maybe using the park grills to cook it all and serve to who shows up. We can charge a dollar to those who don’t contribute so those funds go to what wasn’t covered by diving and such. Time could be a little restrictive because of work schedules but I have kids (fiancés who live with her) who love to be at the park for hours and if anyone messages an “order” I can have a plate for them to pick up from me or someone closer to them after their shift.
I also have a gym membership that I can get guests in with. As long as you can be respectful and clean up after yourself appropriately we can meet there so you can get access to a shower and even work out. Bonus if you can motivate me to do some lifting and stretching lol I only go once or twice a week so maybe a few bucks a shower as well to make my time worth it. Let me know if that doesn’t sound fair and what does.
I’d like to meet at a park a few times before making any choices and arrangements. I’m thinking of BBQing at a park. Food on me and anything anyone would like to contribute. A chance to get to know each other in an informal way so everyone is more at ease and comfortable.
A little about me, I’m in my early 30s, grew up on a ranch in SoCal, said goodbye to my abusive parents and have been enjoying my sinful lesbian life style since/s My long term goal is to buy a ranch and set up a commune to do all of this and more to help people. Then teach those who are intreated to buy and run their own, creating a network of ranches and farms all over for houseless, vagabonds, car dwellers and travelers to take a break, make some repairs, and find some community.
I’m not the type to be fucked with. I will have no problem or second thought defending what is mine. I’m not an easy target so if you needed to read this move on to your next victim. I’m not them. The building has 24 hour security. I’m an easily well liked person. I’m friends with all and have their numbers. They will know when anyone is scheduled to be here and text and call to check in.
If you’re interested comment your ideas or intended use of space and a little about you. Please include, sex, age, job history, where you’re originally from, interests, etc. And answer the question, what are you proud of doing? There’s at least one thing even if it was brushing your teeth this morning or something from when you were a kid. I wanna hear about it. I won’t be responding to any messages. Comments only right now.
Stay safe out there 🤙🏻

(Typing on mobile sorry for any mistakes) I (23f) have a friend Sid(24f). Sid and I have been friends since middle school. Needless to say, Sid and I are very close. Sid is also friends with her ex-step-cousin Kate(29f). I loathe Kate. Kate has no sense of personal space, is generally weird, and lacks any social awareness.
Things she's done include, taking food off my plate without asking multiple times, being overly handsy with my boyfriend (sitting on his lap, playing with his hair, and grabbing his chest) and continuing to do so after being asked by him to stop multiple times, being overly handsy with me (grabbing my arms, sitting in my lap, touching my face and lower back randomly, and grabbing at my stomach) and she again continues to do this even after being asked to stop, she is always making comments about how sexy I am and about how she wants to be me, drinking from my drinks, Pouring her half drunk drinks into my glass (multiple times), and trying to steal my clothes.
Now onto the actual story, a couple of days ago Sid invited me and my BF over to her house for her boyfriend's birthday party. I told her I would head over after work but I wasn't sure how long I'd stay since I had a shift the following day. Sid said it was okay and my day went on.
The morning of the party a friend of mine who was going to the party mentioned Kate was going to be there. I didn't say anything to the friend at the time but I did text my BF to let him know she was going. My BF said he wasn't comfortable being around Kate and wasn't going to go. At the time I was still going to just drop by for a couple of minutes say happy birthday then leave.
But by the end of my shift, I decided I didn't have the mental bandwidth to deal with Kate. I texted Sid and told her I wasn't feeling good so I wasn't going to be stopping by. Sid was a little upset but understood.
My roommate who was also at the party asked why I didn't go. I told her honestly it was because of Kate. This somehow got back to Sid and Sid called me screaming about how rude I was and that she was going to announce she was engaged at the party and ask me to be a bridesmaid but I ruined it for her and hurt Kate's feelings. Sid called me a huge bitch and a complete ass for disrespecting her family and said if I didn't apologize to her and Kate I wasn't in her wedding.
My Bf and roommate think I'm in the right. But Sid is refusing to speak to me until I apologize to her and Kate. I feel like a huge asshole I love Sid but I can't stand being around Kate she creeps me out. IDK if I'm really the asshole in this situation.
(edit for clarification) I have told Sid Kate makes me and my BF uncomfortable, Sid is very quick to excuse Kate's actions by saying things like "That's just how she is, she was homeschooled, Kate is just a very physical person, etc)

ill keep this as short as possible, i feel very underappreciated on this site to be fair, compared to other ao3 friends of mine. ive been publishing on the archive for almost 2 years, i used to have a very active schedule where id post 4-5+ times a month and every work would be long and it would have so much feedback. last year, i would wake up every morning and the first thing id do would be to check my inbox for comments, which oftentimes would be full..
for a while now, I've changed fandoms and my reach has been getting lower, but I didn't let that affect me because i was feeling happy with the new fandom and i had so many ideas that i was glad to execute, but it has become worse. my fics keep 'flopping' and i haven't gotten any genuine comments in months. other friends of mine have way better reach and feedback and i really hate to admit it but i am a bit jealous of them because they're much more appreciated than me and they have a relatively better fan base.
i really wish i had more popularity and support and this sucks because most of my own validation comes from the stats and support that i receive. writing is something that i really enjoy and that i have been doing for a while, i even plan to start a career as a writer in the future but seeing this happening kind of disheartens me.
and im sorry if i sound ungrateful, it's just that im a bit upset because im putting a lot of effort into what im doing and it feels like what im doing is useless... it low-key sounds pathetic to think about it, im mostly writing for myself, but it's hard for me to continue knowing that there are extremely little people to support me.
i know that getting comments is considered to be the rarest source of feedback, im not really expecting them, even if they make me most happy – a few days ago i posted a work that i really liked and i put my heart into it a lot, and it only got 100 hits or something and not even a single kudo, which makes me feel extremely upset, i have a relatively good writing style, i beta read the work and it still got so little attention... i don't know anymore

https://minimalfreaks.co/2023/06/simon-dunmore-defected-selectors-june-2023/

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68. Incognito – Always There (David Morales Remix) 03:35 115bpm
69. Public Enemy – Can’t Truss It (Original Mix) 05:22 102bpm Bbm
70. Luther Vandross – Sugar and Spice (I Found Me a Girl) (Original Mix) 04:57 109bpm F
71. Grace Jones – La vie en rose 07:28 176bpm C
72. Ashford & Simpson – It Seems To Hang On (Original Mix) 05:12 114bpm Bm
73. Leroy Hutson – Love the Feeling (Original Mix) 02:53 97bpm Bb
74. Mr. Fingers – We Can Work It Out (Original Mix) 05:43 113bpm Gbm
75. Loleatta Holloway, Bastian Zacit – Love Sensation (Original Mix) 06:06 126bpm F
76. Adeva – Musical Freedom (Original Mix) 06:22 113bpm C
77. Yazoo – Situation (12″ Remix) 05:46 119bpm Db
78. Jamiroquai – Blow Your Mind (Original Mix) 08:32 105bpm Am
79. Arrested Development – Tennessee (Original Mix) 04:32 100bpm Ebm
80. Trussel – Love Injection (Original Mix) 07:56 112bpm Abm
81. Mary J. Blige – My Love (Original Mix) 04:12 86bpm F
82. De La Soul – Jenifa Taught Me (Derwin’s Revenge) 03:25 bpm
83. Maze, Frankie Beverly – Joy And Pain (Remastered) 07:14 106bpm Bm
84. Soulsearcher – Can’t Get Enough! (Vocal Club Mix) 06:53 128bpm Em
85. Whitney Houston – It’s Not Right but It’s Okay (KCC’s Release The Love Groove Bootleg Mix) 07:02 128bpm Cm
86. Patrice Rushen – Haven’t You Heard (Original Mix) 06:45 129bpm Dbm
87. The Salsoul Orchestra – Seconds (Original Mix) 08:58 105bpm Em
88. Lady Blackbird – It’s Not That Easy 03:00 bpm
89. Mass Order – Lift Every Voice (Take Me Away) (Classic Boot Mix) 07:25 bpm
90. Deep Dish – Flashdance (Original Club Mix UK Radio Version) 06:45 bpm
91. Malcolm McLaren – Double Dutch 04:42 119bpm
92. Junior Jack – Hola (Original Mix) 04:12 121bpm Am
93. Voices Of Life – The Word Is Love (Say The Word) (Silk’s Anthem Of Life) 08:10 bpm
94. Celeda, Danny Tenaglia – Music Is The Answer (Original Extended 12-inch Mix) 14:10 126bpm Abm
95. Talking Heads – Once in a Lifetime (2005 Remaster) 04:19 116bpm
96. Jungle Brothers – What “U” Waitin’ “4”? (Radio Edit) 04:04 110bpm Cm
97. Kings Of Tomorrow – Finally (Extended Mix) 05:58 125bpm C
98. Supershy – Change feat. Wayne Snow (Original Mix) 04:50 120bpm Cm
99. Hannah Wants, Clementine Douglas – Cure My Desire feat. Clementine Douglas (Extended Mix) 06:38 122bpm Ebm
100. Channel Tres – Just Can’t Get Enough (Original Mix) 05:03 121bpm Cm
101. Ziyon, El Payo – Tailor Made feat. Ziyon (Original Mix) 05:22 120bpm Eb
102. Close Counters – SNAP TO IT! (Original Mix) 03:30 131bpm Eb
103. Three Kings, Jaygun, Bashy – Shake Dat Booty feat. Jaygun feat. Bashy (Original Edit) 07:34 125bpm Dm
104. Felix Da Housecat, Chris Trucher – Chicago Love (Original Mix) 05:05 124bpm A
105. Benny Mussa – If You Want (Luke Solomon’s Body Remix) 07:07 128bpm Dm
106. Beyoncé, Madonna – BREAK MY SOUL (THE QUEENS REMIX) 05:56 120bpm Abm
107. Daphni – Cloudy (Original Mix) 06:51 128bpm Cm
108. Larse – A Part Of (Extended Mix) 04:38 128bpm Dm
109. Virginia – Funkert (Original Mix) 04:27 127bpm Dbm
110. ANOTR, Abel Balder – Vertigo (Original Mix) 04:16 132bpm Em
111. Sable Sheep – Upon Burning Skies (Original Mix) 08:24 123bpm Em
112. Dam Swindle – Good Woman (Edit) 03:35 125bpm Am
113. Ezel, Rona Ray – Don’t Know Yet (Original Mix) 07:26 125bpm Dbm
114. Honey Dijon, Sadie Walker, Channel Tres – Show Me Some Love feat. Sadie Walker (Extended Mix) 05:51 126bpm D
115. Shiba San – I Wanna (Tchami Remix) 03:35 127bpm Fm
116. Jamie Jones – My Paradise (Vintage Culture Extended Remix) 05:33 128bpm Bbm
117. OFFAIAH – Find A Way (Extended Mix) 06:29 124bpm Gm
118. Mr. V – Jus Dance (Dennis Quin Remix) 03:36 94bpm G
119. Alister Fawnwoda, Tyesha Blount – Starlight (Original Mix) 05:59 125bpm Em
120. Mistura, Dave Lee ZR, Jemini – Want Me Back (Jimpster Peak Time Deepness) 06:27 122bpm Db
121. Girls of the Internet – Sound Asleep 03:45 124bpm G
122. Tom Middleton – Cicadas (Maya Jane Coles Remix) 06:24 123bpm Dbm
123. Rampa, Keinemusik, chuala – Les Gout (Original Mix) 05:44 120bpm Fm
124. Crackazat – Demucha (Original Mix) 04:15 124bpm Cm
125. Mary J. Blige – Good Morning Gorgeous (Kelly G Morning Pose Dub Remix) 03:27 125bpm Bbm
126. Butch – Same Like Dope But Different (Original Mix) 04:41 123bpm Dbm
127. Kabbala – Ashewo Ara (Dave Lee Afro Fusion Mix) (Original Mix) 05:59 124bpm Am
128. Max Millan, Simon Adams – Mr. Franklin (Miguel Migs Salty Rub) 06:15 124bpm Am
129. Situation – Get To Know Me (Hot Toddy Dub) 05:46 117bpm Dm
130. Beanfield, Marzenka – Alone feat. Marzenka (Original) 07:29 122bpm G
131. Delano Smith, Diamondancer – A Message For the DJ featuring Diamondancer (Original Mix) 05:36 126bpm F
132. Clive From Accounts – 4 Time (Original Mix) 05:38 127bpm Dm
133. Jerk House Connection, Akram Sedkaoui – Each & Every Day (Life Goes On) feat. Akram Sedkaoui (Rocco Deeper Mix) 08:35 127bpm Gm
134. ANOTR, Abel Balder – Your Mind (Original Mix) 05:40 130bpm Gm
135. Rodney Hunter – Temperature’s Rising (Original Mix) 03:51 118bpm Dm
136. Pugs Atomz, Inkswel, Eliza Dickson – Why Don’t You Listen (Fred Everything Remix) 06:02 119bpm Fm
137. Folamour – Fearless (Original Mix) 05:23 122bpm Gm
138. Mr. Flip – Hit Different (Afefe Iku Remix) 04:51 113bpm Dm
139. Jonny Miller, Kid Fonque, ASAP Shembe – Connected Beings feat. ASAP Shembe (Jazzanova Remix) 05:56 120bpm C
140. Carlo Gambino – Dance For You (Original Mix) 07:27 122bpm Am
141. Gerd – We Bring U Muzik (Warehouse Mix) 06:08 126bpm Ab
142. Joeski – Rude Boy (Original Mix) 06:20 125bpm C
143. Musta, Venessa Jackson – Loving Me (Hot Toddy Remix) 08:00 84bpm Am
144. youANDme, Kristina Sheli – Moment 04:35 124bpm C#
145. OVEOUS, Don Kamares – Legacy (Original Mix) 05:35 123bpm Dm
146. KE, Risk Assessment – Feel That (Franck Roger Remix) 06:28 124bpm Ebm
147. Paperclip People – Throw (Original Mix) 06:47 127bpm C
148. Austin Ato – When Love Is Tender (Original Mix) 08:42 127bpm Ab
149. Francisco Allendes – What You Do (Original Mix) 06:49 127bpm D
150. Particle – Let It Go (Original Mix) 06:34 87bpm Cm
151. Afefe Iku – Sista Georgia (Original Mix) 11:35 122bpm Dm
152. Mike Steva, Stevo Atambire – Destiny Song (Pa’ala) feat. Stevo Atambire (Original Mix) 05:54 121bpm Bm
153. PAWSA – Room Service (24 Hour Mix) 04:44 130bpm Am
154. Kerri Chandler – Coro (DJ Spen Kaoz Re Edit) 06:30 124bpm Dm
155. Awen, Caiiro – Your Voice (Adam Port Remix) 04:20 122bpm Gbm
156. Inaya Day, Harry Romero – Rise Up (Extended Club Mix) 06:19 127bpm Cm
157. Pig&Dan – Rock You All Night (Original Mix) 03:27 123bpm Bm
158. Yousef, The Melody Men – Hear That Sound feat. The Melody Men (Club Mix) 05:56 128bpm D
159. GruuvElement’s – Boom Room (Original Mix) 06:39 94bpm Em
160. Dam Swindle – All I Want (Edit) 03:56 124bpm Dbm
161. Mike Dunn, LOA. – When The Dust Clears feat. LOA. (MD MixX) 03:42 124bpm F
162. Seamus Haji, Phebe Edwards – Better Come Again 04:00 120bpm Em
163. Suzanne Palmer, Mark Picchiotti, Craig J. Snider, The Absolute – I Believe feat. Suzanne Palmer feat. Craig J. Snider (DJ Spen & Michele Chiavarini’s Higher Love Dub Mix) 06:15 124bpm Eb
164. Paul Kalkbrenner – Bengang (Original Mix) 05:30 128bpm Dbm
165. Louie Vega, Robyn – All My Love (feat. Robyn) 05:58 127bpm Gb
166. Daniel Steinberg – Groove People (Original Mix) 05:29 125bpm C
167. Purple Disco Machine, Kaleta, Bosq – Wake Up! (Extended) 06:56 122bpm Dm
168. Kon, Fiorious, Saturday Love – 2 B Free (Oliver Dollar Remix) 04:31 123bpm Em
169. Lady Blackbird – Lost and Looking (Colleen ‘Cosmo’ Murphy Cosmodelica Remix) 03:42 120bpm G
170. Kerri Chandler, Bluey Robinson – Tenacity (Main Vocal Edit) 04:25 124bpm D
171. Honey Dijon, Ramona Renea – Love Is A State Of Mind (Original Mix) 03:13 125bpm Cm
172. Adam Port, Alan Dixon – Forms Of Love (Original Mix) 06:03 122bpm Bb
173. Jamie Jones – My Paradise (Original Mix) 03:31 128bpm Bbm
174. Fka Mash, Sio – Bumblebee 03:38 116bpm Gm
175. Dennis Cruz – Ready For The Blues (Original Mix) 05:00 128bpm Cm
176. Ramin Rezaie – Searching (Original Mix) 03:57 131bpm Am
177. Tony Lionni – Out Of Sight (Special Edit By Jerome Sydenham) 06:15 124bpm C
178. HRDY, Paulo Maria – Connected (Original Mix) 05:42 124bpm Gm
179. Dario D’Attis – Tanzstube (Original Mix) 07:44 120bpm Bbm
180. AMP Fiddler, Andrés, Dames Brown – What Would You Do? feat. Andrés feat. Amp Fiddler (Two Soul Fusion Remix) 03:07 125bpm G
181. Low Steppa – Closer (Original Mix) 04:57 125bpm Bbm
182. Fred Everything – Searching (Original Mix) 08:03 120bpm C
183. Sophie Lloyd, Pauline Taylor – Angels By My Side feat. Pauline Taylor (Floorplan Remix) 03:28 125bpm Fm
184. S.A.M., Sarah Ikumu – Spotlight feat. Sarah Ikumu (Mousse T. Shizzle Mix) 03:20 123bpm Gbm
185. Malone – Time To Move (Original Mix) 03:08 125bpm Em
186. Steve Bug, Mr. V – Back To ’95 feat. Mr. V (Cinthie‘s ‘Just A Vibe’ Remix) 06:12 124bpm Gm
187. Khan, Julee Cruise – Say Goodbye feat. Julee Cruise (LoSoul ‘She’s Homeless’ Mix) 07:08 116bpm F
188. Dam Swindle – Hey Mister 03:59 126bpm Am
189. Julien Jabre – Voodance (Original Mix) 07:29 123bpm Dbm
190. B Beat Girls – For The Same Man (Nic Fanciulli Remix) 03:34 127bpm E
191. Mark Broom, Riva Starr, Star B – Fire (Ron Bacardi Remix) 05:42 126bpm Bb
192. Make A Dance – I Need Somebody (Original Mix) 03:20 122bpm Bm
193. Beyonce – BREAK MY SOUL (Original Mix) 04:38 115bpm Abm
194. Zach Witness – Frankie & Levan (Original Mix) 03:41 127bpm Am
195. Danny Tenaglia – The Brooklyn Gypsy (Original Mix) 07:41 153bpm Dm
196. Beau – Losing You 03:23 124bpm E
197. Felipe Gordon – The Love (Original Mix) 07:38 120bpm Gbm
198. Ferreck Dawn, Izzy Bizu – Life (Original Mix) 02:51 125bpm Cm
199. Kimberly Davis, The Shapeshifters – Love’s Been Waiting (7″ Version) 02:48 123bpm Gbm
200. ANOTR, Sebastian Kamae – Time To Smoke (Original Mix) 08:46 130bpm Gb
201. Daniel Anthony – Endless (Original Mix) 07:03 126bpm Dbm
202. Jamie Jones, AMEME – Pliva 04:04 123bpm Fm
203. Darius Syrossian, DJ Supreme – I’m The Joker (Original Mix) 02:36 129bpm Gm
204. Oliver Way – Stained Glass Shadows (Robert Hood Remix) 06:54 128bpm D
205. Sailor Jane, R.E.A.D. – Where’s My Phone? feat. Sailor Jane (Marco Faraone Remix) 03:35 128bpm Fm
206. Daniel Steinberg – Take My Hand (Original Mix) 05:17 130bpm Gm
207. AMP Fiddler, Andrés, Dames Brown – What Would You Do? feat. Andrés feat. Amp Fiddler (Folamour 12″ Remix) 04:30 121bpm Am
208. Brian Burnside – This Generation (Franck Roger Mix) 08:20 127bpm Dm
209. Chymamusique, Colbert, LaTique – Above My Head (Radio Mix) 04:34 118bpm Gbm
210. Brooklyn Baby – NYC (Original Mix) 05:04 128bpm Em
211. Marlon D – Jesus Creates Sound (Original Mix) 05:30 126bpm Ebm
212. Kiko Navarro – Dope High (Vocal Mix) 07:52 92bpm Fm
213. Franck Roger – Don’t Ever Luv Me (Original Mix) 06:44 124bpm Dm
214. 40 Thieves, Qzen – Don’t Turn It Off (Original Mix) 04:38 117bpm Em
215. Linkwood – Tears (Original Mix) 08:39 96bpm Bm
216. Mr. V – Somethin’ Wit Jazz (Dario D’Attis Extended Remix) 07:08 122bpm Bbm
217. David Morales, Elle Cato – Holding Me Touching Me feat. Elle Cato (Extended Mix) 06:58 126bpm Bbm
218. Bassfort – Moon Shadow (Joe ‘Joaquin’ Claussell Remix) 11:26 124bpm G
219. Close Counters – GET DOWN! (Original Mix) 04:17 122bpm Ebm
220. Steve Lawler, Marco Lys, Joy Farrukh – If Only You Knew feat. Joy Farrukh (Extended Mix) 05:37 126bpm Am
221. Todd Terry, Riva Starr – This Is The Sound (Original Mix) 06:07 126bpm Gm
222. Honey Dijon, Dope Earth Alien – It’s Quiet Now (Original Mix) 03:02 123bpm Cm
223. Jon Cutler, E-Man – It’s Yours (Kyri Markou Extended Remix) 05:39 126bpm Am
224. Thakzin – The Magnificent Dance (Original Mix) 07:05 88bpm F

Long post but alot to explain.
Where to even start with this. I'm using a throwaway account as the people I know, might know who I'm talking about. Bare with me I'm going to try and give as much detail as possible (very highly stressed at the moment and might not be as clear as I could be).
Based in the UK
In the last year of uni I started living with a girl (lets call her Linda) who was a mutual friend of my best friend at the time. Didn't really know her except being told she smoked a lot of weed.
This was a bit of a Beige flag for me as I don't smoke or drink (mental health reasons its just not good for me fine if you do etc). I didn't have anyone else to live with so just went along with it which was alright.
When we were there for the year we were pretty close and both had alot of health/mental health issues going on. I had just been made homeless before returning to uni so my head was a bit all over the place.
Meaning I coped with the third year in kind of a mess. I started to smoke alot and eat alot of weed and drank to the point of addiction, when the fun stops, stop. I didn't stop, I had unprotected intimacy with a man and I'm not proud of it (took morning after pill, he didn't cum but yano just in case), it was a real wake up call. I had to get myself in order.
Linda, wouldn't drop that (because I was trying to stop) I wasn't being fun anymore, and that I was just a bit boring now, that I was trying to stop before it go worse.
Anyways, we left uni and then I kinda drifted and separated myself from her a bit as there was this toxic pressure to be the party girl. There were nights were it was fun but yeah, fuck me for trying to be sober.
2013 hits and I'm moving out of uni and met this new guy and I was a huge emotional wreck at this point and moved to a place far away from home in another County and yeah, didn't know anyone besides partner at the time and I drifted from this Linda girl and my best friends.
Linda didn't contact me until about 2015/2016 when I was due to visit home and make me feel guilty for not drinking and not having the party spirit I once did, the whole night I could order soft drinks and she would be pouring spirits from a hip flask into them (i was furious and accused her of being a date rapist).
She dropped contact with me and stayed as a back ground facebook friend. Just occasionally sending me messages with unsolicited tarot readings consistently and I believe in all the spiritualism things but, god did this get on my nerves.
2019 I break up with the guy in a different county and I head home. I see Linda a few times at the local gigs and stuff, nothing too intense.
THEN Covid hits, I started dating my current partner and moved into my own flat. In the same home town as Linda and one my best friends.
Because of Covid I checked up digitally with everyone and ran weekly quizzes on zoom which was great, kept the moral spirit going and people really liked them. I was so happy because I stayed sober and had been doing really well...
Before the stressed up me, returned again. Linda was very insistent that because we lived in the same town that we bubbled ( I have vulnerable family and my partner did too) so I had my 6 people and stuck to it religiously.
Anyway, the pressure began to rise, she started fancying a friend of mine we will call him Dan and got kinda obsessed with him.
2021 they share a few intimate text messages and then that was it in terms of intimacy and flirtation. She got obsessed with Dan.
She was making me the middle man, making mine and hers friendship seem like we were best mates. Which truthfully after uni I never really felt that close due to previous actions.
She wanted to get closer to Dan and Linda was driving me mad as ALL the messages had that ulterior motive of "Hey how are you... I wanna bitch about Dan"
When I say she is obsessed with DAN I mean it. Accusing him of things that are wild and beyond what actually happened.
Bear in mind due to previous actions I was trying to separate myself from Linda, she got pally in 2021 with this other girl called Sammy who is so toxic. And basically since that friendship Linda turned into a bit of dick.
Sammy has blocked me on social media because I called her out on being a dick.
I feel that Sammy has influenced her and the company she keeps is nasty.
In late 2021 I found out I was expecting my son and found out super late into the pregnancy and told my "friends" over zoom about this and that I was worried and scared.
2022 had the baby and because I had, had that night of upset and off loading, Linda held it against me and was supportive but also very draining emotially on me.
Always wanting to see the baby, hang out etc and again I kept her at arms length and kinda deteriorated mental health wise quite a bit.
I wasn't good health wise and was diagnosed with Post-partum depression, PTSD, psychosis and DID oh and anxiety (cause fuck yeah get all the diagnosis I've got a dark sense of humour applogies and I'm seeking help for this and need to be on meds too for it so I'm good for my son he is literally everything)
I couldn't cope and isolated mostly, I tried my best and made a group chat so that I could just say things the once and again tried to be there for people if they reached out to me.
But again a month post partum Linda asked about how I was and was again ulterior motive about Dan.
So I tried my best to be supportive, I was on alot of drugs to recover from the c-section, I was also yano busy being Mum, so things slipped a bit friend wise.
I know I'm not a neglectful friend as I contact and reach out where and when I can. I've always been mindful of checking in on people.
Linda was very needy and I explained in that friend group chat what I can and can't do. Emotionally and physically. And said please don't DM personally
But she kept on and on and then messaged my partner Andy and on and on it went and then more tarot readings and more and more about me, Andy and my son Allan. All the time
I don't feel like I have to justify having a life and prioritising my son and being accused of being neglectful is a bit rich really.
Am I the asshole?

Dear you,
This (https://youtu.be/bLzUmfLckEw) was the last song that was playing as I parked my car after a full day of cleaning out my old place, grocery shopping, filling up my tank and stopping briefly at home to charge my phone before going to the gym. You were on my mind today and I just want to share with you my thoughts.
As I was at the old place and I was sweeping, mopping, scrubbing, and doing my damndest with that oven, I thought of you. My thoughts were beginning back to Summer 2021, when I began to feel the pain of our separation. Back then, I thought that it was me struggling with being without you. Now, in 2023, I now realize that the pain and struggle that I was feeling back then was you missing me. As I was wiping down the bathroom and washing those towel rags that I had used as additional mops, I thoughts about those dreams I've had of you. That golden piece of advice that your mom told me (rather, it was my decision to put into practice the wisdom your mom told me) still screams out to me as I'm looking into that now empty bedroom and closet. I wiped the blinds remembering those dreams of you proposing, "GalaxiGazer, will you marry me?" (I'll share one secret from you from those dreams where you proposed and I said "yes" each time with no hesitation. Besides that smug, happy and confident look in your face when you asked me, I had noticed a common theme: there was no ring. Now I know why: I already have it. When you're here, I'll show it to you and explain to you the significance of the ring's design) Back then, in 2021-2022, I laughed at the idea and found the concept nothing more than a joke to me at the time. You, being my husband? You, that guy with whom I had not even had one date? You, being my life partner? Seriously? Well, now, it's starting to grow on me. In fact, it's becoming so strong that I would actually be surprised and shocked as fuck if, for whatever reason, we don't end up being Mr. & Mrs. Who knows? Maybe the next move I'm making out of my (new) apartment will be across the country to Bragg (my brother already called on both).
When I stopped for lunch (Sonic) and decided to revisit The Good Place, it was when Michael was introducing those clumsy soulmates as part of his devious scheme in the simulated Bad Place. As I was watching Tahani grumble about her crocs, Chidi struggling to conversate with Pavita, and Jason trying to eventually leave his yurt, I remember when you had introduced me to The Good Place and we started talking about soulmates. Now, at the time (2020), I was very resistant to the idea of a soulmate and found the concept amusing. I've watched the show with appreciation over these past three years and I'm thankful that you introduced the show to me. Even more, I'm beginning to embrace you as my soulmate.
I just want to tell you thank you for continuing to walk with me, even if it's just in your soul and spirit alongside me right now. I'm thankful for the blessing of having you on my mind, almost like you're right here with me. I'm thankful for the blessing that my feelings for you have grown, changed, and matured over these past three years and our separation was such a sanctifier, burning away all those impure, immature, and negative things that had prevented you from being close to me. I'm thankful for the blessing of missing you, of thinking of you, for dreaming about you, and being able to strongly sense your love for me. It's hard to believe that the last time I had laid my eyes on you, you were waiting in line for me at The Yard House for dinner (yes, my brother was also in tow) and we immediately greeted each other with that long and very tight hug (oh, yeah, about that "are you done" comment, I haven't forgotten. I'll tell you more about that later). I can only imagine what it will be like when I lay my eyes on you again!! I look forward to it!!
Well, my phone's charged and it's time to get ready for the gym. As you continue to wake up and your morning unfolds, I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and that I love you. I wish you a productive day ahead.
~ Me

I've had good experiences with this sub back in the states, even have a couple cuddle buddies I've kept in touch with, so here I am, in my new home, seeing if the luck followed me.
I recently moved to the island for work, and have been loving it so far, everyone has been so friendly and welcoming, though I've definitely been struggling with making friends in my new home.
I'd like to find someone interested in a platonic cuddle buddy, and maybe friend. I'm a dive instructor for a living, but work Monday through Friday, 7-5, so am free evenings and weekends.
Before I came here, I worked IT in Las Vegas, but decided happiness was more important, so, figured I'd teach people how to blow bubbles underwater. It was one of the best decisions I ever made, but, it's always tough adjusting to a new home.

I have to premise that this is my first "serious" relationship.
I don't consider myself very much the outgoing type, but I enjoy walking to the store rather than ordering, going out with friends, traveling, going on road trips, etc. We started off long distance and everything seemed to be going well. We talked all day every day in voice or text. I knew she was more of the staying indoors type, and I was fine with that. And any time I asked if once I visited she'd do those things with me, and she promised to do so. Everything was going perfect, and any kind of issues were just due to the nature of long distance.
After 4 months, I visited her for almost 3 months, and at the very start things seemed to be ok. In the first two weeks we did go out once for dinner and once to the store. But she was having heavy migraines so I didn't want to push too hard. But then after that, we overall went out 3 times, once for a walk just before midnight to the nearby beach and back. Once to go for a doctors appointment (basically irrelevant), and once to the aquarium. She seemed to enjoy both times we spent time together and she wanted to stay out for longer. Other than that, every time I went to the store and asked if she would come along, she would refuse, and at some point I just stopped asking whether she'd come along, and just asked what she wants me to pick up. Every time I asked it felt like I was pressuring her into cutting off her own arm, so I never pushed for it at all.
It has now been 2 months since I'm back home, and ever since I came back, it feels like she has been slowly drifting away. We have been talking less and less. Some days even just bidding good morning and good night. That was until today. We had "the talk" and effectively we reached the conclusion that we're not happy together and things just aren't working out.
However here lies the issue. We still love each other and we want to be together, but it feels like there is nothing we can do to make it work. She suffers from depression, anxiety, and is overall low energy, and very easily drained. Whenever we do go out, she comes back weak, exhausted and with migraines that last over a day. (She's been to doctors for this but so far none have been able to help)
Is there any way to make this relationship work?

I was there for nearly 10 years. Its nice to know at least some people there had my back. But also funny to see I've started something. They're now down like 7 members of staff. Maybe that's why I'm still on payroll as an unauthorised absence when I quit 5 days ago 🫡
See you in hell, fuckers. I'd rather be evicted for not paying my rent than ever get verbally abused by my colleagues ever again.
Some of my favourites:
Dirty water got poured in my work boots and my handmade gloves got cut up. Management shrugged and said no camera so don't know don't care sorry
Refused 40p/hr pay rise to help out in other department that was struggling. Cashier is lowest wage in store. I'm trained on banking and payroll and service desk and paint mix which all count to qualify for a pay increase. Said no sorry, not in budget. Hire new staff member on next pay band I was asking for. Find out other cashier notorious for laziness on pay increase. Same with other lazy colleague on service desk. While telling 9 year employee no money in budget for increase and getting angry that I refuse to pick up phone on service desk (not my job or in my job description lol) when I'm just on my till waiting for a customer
Adjusting timesheets for certain people so they don't get late strikes by literally not clocking in and adjusting payroll, then giving other colleagues strikes for being 3 minutes late because of public transport etc.
Rumours that I cut myself in the work bathroom and came in on a Sunday to fuck another colleague in the staff room, where I pushed him against the lockers and called him daddy and begged him to f- me. I've been in a relationship since 2016 man
Give a group of favourites 6-2:30 Monday to Friday and no weekends and all on next pay band up. Colleague was like this isn't okay? And got told to shut the fuck up by manager. (Contracts are 6-8pm Sun-Mon anytime within contracted hours. That's retail baby) although they're all now struggling because I always covered evenings and weekends and a couple of the others who have quit or are now refusing, there's days where there's literally 1 member of staff for a 6 person desk on weekends.
Deputy store manager said to my close friend in another department that I need to "shut the fuck up and get over myself" when asking for help with my disability
Called a sperg and that I "look like a retard" (I'm autistic/adhd and regularly make autism jokes with someone I worked with who also had it but what in the goddamm fuck? LOL) by a supervisor and my grievance got ignored. I kind of stopped caring here so me and the person I worked with just called each other Turbo Sperg as a greeting.
The closest I got to my disability accomodation meeting was a quick conversation with no witness note taker or HOH rep, that then got written up on formal paperwork that they tried to ask me to date and sign when they couldn't even date the paperwork with when the "meeting" took place, it also got written up from memory 4 DAYS later by my manager who made half of it up and when I refused to sign it and asked why I didn't get any representative or note taker etc, got told it wasn't formal. They never replied to my email asking for a follow up meeting + clarification on why it was on formal paperwork needing a signature and date if it wasn't formal. This was in March and the day I quit I was still waiting on a reply.
It's well known that I will do anything for anyone - I've loaned colleagues £600, handed out my switch to multiple people without a second thought, made three several tiered birthday cakes for parents who couldn't afford birthday cakes for their kids, crocheted and sewed probably 20 gifts or random presents to people just because I liked them. My love language is handmade gifts or giving help anywhere I can because I find verbal communication can sometimes be hard for me. Not always, but I find bonding via chatting and whatnot sometimes difficult. I find out these same people are calling me a retard and blaming me when they get in trouble for gossiping and spreading rumours. The fantastic side of having autism is not knowing you're being exploited until it's too late. I doubt I'll ever see my poor switch again.
It took me FOUR MONTHS to get uniform this last time around and when I quit I'd been waiting again for 6 weeks. I've lost a massive amount of weight because of stress and illness (like, 40lbs) and I was still in the same uniform. I have some hilarious email trails I forwarded straight back to them when they tried to say I was lying and never asked for uniform. I remember saying something like "I know you think I'm the retard due to how you talk about me, but I'm smart enough to know my clothes don't fit" and literally demonstrated the 4 inches of room I had in my work trousers. 😭 it got ordered that day.
Anyway, rant over, fuck that shit hole. My friends still work there so I'm getting a spectator view of it falling apart. I applied to one of my dream jobs after years of being told I wasn't good enough to even be a cashier. I've got a decade of being treated like shit to make up for now.
Every single one of you out there being made to feel like shit whether its by customers or coworkers - you are enough, you work your ass off and I see it. We all deserve so much better.

Happy Monday, Barkada --

The PSE gained 81 points to 6512 ▲1.3%

Thanks to Dividend Pinoy for the positive feedback on the new format of the MB REIT Index and MB IPO Tracker images (an update was waaaay overdue), to Rami Hourani, Jing, and CHARToons for the meme love, to Kristoffer Notario and cryptomarcus for feeling my distaste for FILRT, to PHValueInvestor, Joel, Jesley Tan Uy, CFA, and SnooTomatoes5312 for the discussion on the MPI tender situation, and to ACT for the interesting context on the MPI valuation delay.
Shout-outs to Dividend Pinoy PGG, MikeyPylo97, Kristhan Quebec, Jonathan Burac, Chris Darko, Justn, Evolves Capital, Inc., LanAustria, CHARToons, DV Dindo, PNLperShare, KingArk, koninja, Vie, arkitrader, Tenkan Sen, Pao, Technimentalist, Jayman6000, Palaboy Trader, Lance Nazal, Chip Sillesa, and Jing for the retweets, and to CW Sale, Marvin Quezon, Genesis Umali, Evolves.co, Jayvee Menil, and Mike Ting for the Facebook shares.

▌In today's MB:

• COMING UP: The week ahead
  • May CPI data
  • CREIT Q1 div ex-date
  • FILRT Q1 div ex-date
• SPNEC suspended (public float)
• Figaro coffee biz gets PEZA nod
• Top Frontier getting P10.9-B from RSA

▌Daily meme Subscribe (it's free) Today's email

▌Main stories covered:

• [COMING_UP] The week ahead... This week is going to start quietly and then get a little weird on Tuesday when we hear from the Philippine Statistics Authority on our Consumer Price Index (CPI) reading for May. This is the data that we use to calculate inflation. Tuesday is also the ex-date for CREIT’s Q1 cash dividend. Then we have nothing until Friday, which is the ex-date for FILRT’s Q1 cash dividend.
  
  • MB: The BSP was initially full of bravado when it first hit the pause button last month, but it seemed to quickly walk back comments that it would pause for several periods in a row to say that it would still probably just follow what the US was doing. If the CPI data comes in hot (surprisingly high), then the BSP might be relatively quiet, but if the CPI data comes in cool (surprisingly low), then we might get another round of chest-beating about our ability to remain independent of the US on interest rate hikes and continue our pause. I don’t know which way it will go, only that the CPI data itself isn’t coming down that much on a month-to-month basis; the inflation “gains” that we might see could be low-base effects from the alarming acceleration of inflation that started this time last year.
• [NEWS] SPNEC suspended by the PSE for float violation... SP New Energy [SPNEC 1.46 suspended] [link] was suspended on Friday by the PSE for violating the PSE’s minimum public float rule. The suspension was announced after SPNEC disclosed that the SEC had approved SPNEC’s increase in authorized capital stock from ₱1 billion to ₱5 billion. The PSE appeared to base the suspension on SPNEC’s February 2022 disclosure that said the increase in authorized capital stock was meant to facilitate a massive share swap with SPNEC’s parent company; however, this understanding of the larger transaction doesn’t appear to align with SPNEC’s most recent telling of the deal’s structure from May 8, where SPNEC said that it would acquire the projects from its parent company using cash as payment (not shares). According to Nicky Franco, the head of research for SPNEC’s underwriter, despite the PSE’s misunderstanding of the larger picture, SPNEC is still in violation of the minimum public float requirement, and will still need to sell additional private placements to get its public float up above 20% before it can have that trading suspension lifted.
  
  • MB: This is kind of an ugly situation that caught a lot of people by surprise, and the confusion caused by the PSE’s disclosure only seemed to add to the uncertainty. To be clear, the PSE’s misunderstanding isn’t material: SPNEC regardless of whether the full deal is a share swap or a cash purchase, SPNEC still needs to have more of its shares sold to non-controlling entities for it to complete the transaction. It doesn’t matter whether those shares are sold by SPNEC directly or by SPNEC’s parent, the key here is that “the public” just owns too little of the company for the PSE to allow it to be traded as a public company. The problem for investors is that we don’t know how long this situation will last. SPNEC could crush out a deal or two over the weekend, or it could hit a few snags and/or get side-swiped by some external event, and the situation could take weeks to resolve. We just don’t know.
• [NEWS] Figaro gets PEZA approval for coffee production facility... Figaro [FCG 0.74 ▲8.8%; 174% avgVol] [link] disclosed that it received approval from the board of the Philippine Economic Zone Authority (PEZA) for FCG, under its wholly-owned subsidiary, Figaro Innovation and Development (FIDI), to produce roasted coffee at its Laguna Technopark facility as an “Ecozone Export Enterprise”. This will give FCG’s coffee project a 5-year income tax holiday, with an additional 10-year “special” 5% corporate income tax once that holiday expires. FCG said that its primary goal for FIDI is to make “trailblazing products and processes” to “level up the F&B industry”, and to “promote Filipino brands, products and raw materials globally.”
  
  • MB: These tax holidays are significant, but they’re only as significant as the volume of the activity that is being taxed. FCG’s plans with respect to the export of its coffee are not particularly clear, considering the old “CTRL-F” of “innovation” (for the subsidiary), “PEZA” (for the plan to acquire tax-free privileges), and “export” (for the plan to export products globally) returned zero hits on the company’s most recent Annual Report and its two latest Quarterly Reports. The global coffee market is massive (~$500 billion/year), and is expected to grow modestly year-on-year (5% CAGR), but it’s hard to attach a potential value to anything without knowing more. The market didn’t care about them pesky details, pumping the stock 9% on the news.
• [NEWS] Ramon Ang pumping ₱10.9-B into Top Frontier... Top Frontier Investment Holdings [TFHI 120.00 ▲8.1%; 41% avgVol] [link], the parent company of San Miguel [SMC 106.90 ▲0.2%; 83% avgVol], disclosed that its board had unanimously approved the sale of 45 million common shares to Far East Holdings (FEH), at a price of ₱241.42/share, for a total price of approximately ₱10.86 billion. The per-share price of the deal is 117% higher than TFHI’s previous closing price of ₱111.00/share. FEH is owned by Ramon Ang, and the deal would increase Mr. Ang’s stake in TFHI to approximately 35%. The purchase will make Mr. Ang the second-largest TFHI shareholder behind Inigo Zobel. When asked about the purchase, Bloomberg reported that Mr. Ang said: “It’s a good investment”, and then added that he has “extra funds”.
  
  • MB: As the Bloomberg article mentions, FEH made some money in 2022 when it sold its holdings in Eagle Cement to SMC. In this game of “follow the money”, we’ll just have to wait and see what TPHI does with the new injection of cash. What we don’t have to wait for is the use of this deal as a contrast to how Manny V. Pangilinan has conducted the Metro Pacific [MPI 4.35 ▼0.5%; 463% avgVol] tender offer transaction. I wonder if COL Financial is going to send me a breathless email about TPHI’s upcoming shareholders’ meeting, too?

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I recently completed a RTW award on ANA and wanted to share my experience to help others with this amazing award. I spent a long time researching before going through with booking --Hope this can help the next person! I did make a few mistakes/learnings along the way hope some can take into consideration. Overall, I spent 125,000 points transferred from Amex MR & ~$950 for 8 segments going East from the US in Business.

Routing

DEN-YYZ-LHR, VIE-BKK-SIN-DPS-SIN-HND-SFO - can paste into GCMap which results in a total of 21,526 mi; within the 22,000 Business Category.
​

Routing	CarrieClass
DEN (Denver) - YYZ (Toronto)	AC (Air Canada) / Economy
YYZ (Toronto) - LHR (London)	AC (Air Canada) / Business
VIE (Vienna) - BKK (Bangkok)	BR (Eva Airways) / Business
BKK (Bangkok) - SIN (Singapore)	SQ (Singapore) / Business
SIN (Singapore) - DPS (Bali)	SQ (Singapore) / Business
DPS (Bali) - SIN (Singapore)	SQ (Singapore) / Business
SIN (Singapore) - HND (Tokyo)	NH (ANA) / Business
HND (Tokyo) - SFO (San Francisco)	NH (ANA) / Business

The total portion of my time is about a month, with a majority of my time spent in Europe between LHR and VIE, a small portion of time in Bali to break up flights, and about a week in Japan before flying home.

Research Process

I had been targeting Spring/Early Summer 2024 for this award for awhile but hadn't nailed down a particular date. I wanted to travel during shoulder season to maximize value, crowds, and decent weather across these regions. I was just waiting for the award calendar to open up for most of the carriers. I started looking about a month out (April) and doing some random searches/looks to see what flights were coming available and possible routings. In my research I found that most flights leaving from the US to Asia booked up fastest right after being released at the edge of the booking window (ex: ANA opens up bookings on its metal 355 days out; and within say 3-4 days of release most of these flights are snatched up and go into Waitlist status in Business). I had originally been planning on flying West from the US and starting in Asia, however, after doing a few mock bookings this soon became apparent it would be near impossible (Especially since Japan in spring is peak season with the Cherry Blossoms, festivals, etc). I would occasionally find a random flight departing from the US to Asia within a month of the edge of the booking window; and try to plan flights around that going westward, but it would disappear extremly quickly and my plans would be spoiled. As a result I found for this time of year it would be easiest to go east from the US through Europe first, and then ending in Asia and snatching my return flights at the edge of the booking window when ANA's flights opened/other carriers.
I would definitely recommend being flexible and don't have your heart set on going one direction originally due to concerns about time in the Air vs. Jetlag etc. I had been reading a few articles/discussions about the best direction to take and really had my heart set on going westward originally; but would say after going through this process to ignore choosing a direction initially and try to do a few samples in either direction to see what is easiest. I think I wasted a-lot of time/frustration originally trying to go westward rather than just seeing what was easiest with the most connection opportunities.
Another research point is that domestic US Business availability/North America is extremly hard to come by. United basically was only offering Economy segments domestically; I didn't see any J fares. AC Departures from US up to Canada was nearly the same thing. I did randomly see consistent J availability from SMF - YVR on a CRJ AC was offering nearly every day, and from ORD on a few dates but didn't think going out of my way was worth it. It was at a bad time and on a relatively undesirable (IMO) CRJ so I could see why that route had wide open availability. The problem was once you made it to YVR; you usually had to connect to YYZ or YYC internationally and I had the same issue finding J space domestically in Canada; so it was a dead end. I ended up just booking my first segment in Economy on AC up to Canada - didn't want to waste valuable hunting time looking for a short segment in J domestically when the biggest fish looking for space was internationally. Don't obsess over having every segment in J especially your first flight. If space opens later you can always switch into a higher class on the same flight.
For research and booking I used FlightConnections to get routing ideas based on Star Alliance carriers. I then used United's monthly award calendar (without being logged in) to see Saver availability, and then confirmed this on ANA's website. I was going to use some other tools but didn't find them useful. I paid for a day trial of point . me but found it slow and cumbersome without the filtering I needed. I didn't find Aeroplan that useful either. If I was to do this again I would explore paying for ExpertFlyer Pro and using that to search more easily.. would have probably been faster. The trial wasn't long enough to be that useful for when I was researching/booking, but it did give me some ideas - and looking back I would have easily paid for a month or two of Pro Membership to speed up my searching. Overall though, I just stuck to FlightConnections + United + ANA confirmation.

Booking Process

The time had come to where the edge of the booking window was approaching the dates I wanted. I had a few routings in mind and had saved multiple variations targeting the 22,000 mileage cap. I had a few options but nothing nailed down; so I started the process to transfer 125,000 points from Amex to ANA. Even though as a "best practice" most say to not transfer until you have the flights chosen or held, I had read some conflicting points online stating ANA does not do holds, so didn't want to risk this. I was confident based on my research I would be able to piece something together as I had a-lot of backup options chosen. I attempted to transfer late on a Friday afternoon online but got the message the transfer was unsuccessful and had to call Amex; did that early Saturday morning and they completed the transfer for me manually. Turns out I didn't have a "Call Center Pin" setup; so make sure you go into your account and set one before trying and the transfer online should go through, according to the agent. This ordeal added to my stress during the process -- if you are going to be transferring MR please make note!
I was on edge waiting for the points to deposit the entire weekend, and kept tabs on my various options. US - Europe had a-lot of options on AC; and I also had a few backup options on TAP. The "riskiest" flight for me was VIE-BKK as I really needed to get out of Europe to Asia; and there weren't many options since I was booking really close to the edge of the booking window. I couldn't see any long haul availability on Turkish/Ethiopian/other European Star Alliance carriers; so I was pretty much banking on EVA with my backup as Egyptaiothers. I noticed that Singapore seemingly doesn't publish any saver J availability to partners on long haul flights; but it does have pretty decent availability in J on short haul interasia flights. It seems like the cutoff is around 4.5 hr; but found good availability from some cities in India and even Dhaka in Bangladesh to SIN I could have used to connect to with a mix of EgyptAir / Air India / Singapore if EVA didn't work out but honestly this was a last resort and I didn't want to; but at least I had a plan. During the weekend my original VIE-BKK flight selection disappeared; but luckily they had another flight the next day I was able to book into instead. They also had other options within Europe I could have fallen back on like LHR and AMS. I didn't want to depart from LHR unless absolutely necessary as the UK Departure tax would have been ~200 pounds; something that can be avoided if possible. Definitely look into 5th freedom routes for "hidden gems"; I know Ethiopian offers some too. Apart from this; within Asia there were alot of options, and I wasn't concerned about getting back to the US from Japan because I was purposefully booking on the edge of the booking window for ANA to ensure I had availability.
Points were finally deposited early Monday morning sometime between 1am - 9am EST. I saw them in my account when I woke up early which was perfect as I was targeting calling the ANA Call Center around then, some posters online had said calling around this time resulted in the shortest wait. I waited about 1.5 hours and got a nice agent who helped me. Of note; when I called the very first thing she confirmed was my point balance. It seems like they won't even entertain booking something for you (or at least this agent in particular) if you have 0 points; so I am glad I transferred my points before. She was very helpful in quickly researching and confirming the flights -- at the same time I was on the ANA website with the multi city booking tool confirming the space was there too alongside her. She questioned at first about me backtracking by going from SIN - DPS - SIN but realized I had to do this to connect with SIN - HND as there weren't any direct flights from DPS and was fine with it. At the end of feeding her the flights she said the routing I desired was greater than 22,000 miles (~23,5000 miles) and would trigger the next bucket to be 135,000 points -- my heart sank.
This is where my mistake came in... Originally I had 2 inter-european segments, and also wanted to fly from HND - IAH instead of HND - SFO. The entire time I had been researching with gcmapper to get the distances; I had been using nautical miles (nm) in the calculations rather than statute miles (mi)! The nautical mile calculation had been below 22,000 so I thought I was in the clear the entire time. The agent was super helpful and understood my mistake and I did some research in the background for a few minutes. I ended up dropping the inter-european segments and switching from HND-IAD to HND-SFO which made my routing 21,526mi which was below the 22,000 threshold according to gcmapper. She came back to me and quoted 21,523mi, so we were pretty close in our distances after this... 3 mile difference hah. Disaster averted.
After she confirmed all the segments had availability she put me on hold and calculated the taxes and fees ~($950). The majority of the taxes and fees were from the 2 ANA segments at the end of my trip; with fuel charges. I got sent to an automated phone system to input my card info, and returned back to her (don't hang up!). She told me that she had to have the fare desk ticket the itinerary and I should be getting an email or callback. Sure enough ~2 hours later she called me back and said I had to re-enter my card info as they had some issue with their system; the flight hadn't yet been ticketed. I took the opportunity to change one of the segments during this callback to a better time I had found and she helped me change it since It hadn't yet been ticketed -- I was flustered on the first call when she said the milage was too high.
Something interesting I noted is during the time between calls I was able to see the reservation on the ANA App; and an alert said "Complete Payment by *date*" which was 3 days from the present. So it looks like technically they will "hold" a reservation for up to 3 days while waiting for card payment. It sounded like the Agent was willing to work with me as well when I needed 135,000 points instead of 125,000 points; but I didn't want to spend more or risk the timing with transfers. I wouldn't bank on this at all. Just FYI though. After this second call I got an email about a half an hour later with my receipt and ticket/itinerary and PNR. I was able to select seats and finally relax after the ordeal.
After all of this, I probably spent about 12 hours spaced out during 3 days of the booking process plus my previous research over about a month. Definitely set aside some time for yourself during booking and research.

Change Process

Something I hadn't seen much of online was the process for making a change to an existing RTW booking - I ended up doing this as well, so hopefully this can help some.
About a week after booking I noticed one of the flights opened availability from SIN-HND on ANA at a better time. I was originally flying overnight but wanted to fly during the day to help minimize jetlag, and jumped at the chance. Also I wanted to spend more time in Singapore so this helped. Note you can only change the date + time of a flight; it must be the same routing and carrier and class (except you can move up a class if one becomes available and your original ticket allows for that class). I called around 2PM EST and it only took about an hour to get through this time. The agent simply told me I would owe the difference in taxes/fees for the change. There wasn't any penalty or call center charge assessed for this. I had read somewhere that apparently you'd be charged a 1,000 point fee for the change but this wasn't the case for me. The difference amounted to some small amount around a dollar or so which I happily paid. The agent shared something helpful to me -- she asked I save a card on the ANA website to my account rather than doing it on the phone. This would help the Fare Desk charge faster without needing to call me back like last time, I guess they have issues with their credit card system on the phone with some credit cards. I ended up doing this with her on the phone guiding me and she confirmed she could now see my card. The change ended up going through an hour later with a new ticket/itinerary and recipient emailed to me; no second call necessary.
According to the fare rules denoted on my PNR; you can do a similar change with date/time only up to 4 days (96 hours) before departure - also during the trip itself I believe as well. (full endorsements/restrictions on the ticket: NO MILEAGE CREDIT/NH FFP/NON END/RRT/DT CHNG UPTO 4DYS B4 NEW FLT)

TLDNeed to know Tips

• Successfully booked ANA RTW in Business at 125,000 points transferred from MR ~950 in taxes/fees. ANA was the culprit for majority of costs with fuel surcharges on 2 segments I flew.
• Don't have your heart set on going a particular direction upfront - go with what is easiest to book, and be flexible!
• Make sure you have Call Center Pin set in Amex if using MR before transferring to ANA to avoid issues.
• ANA seems to not hold for RTW for point transfer time if you have no points; I was asked upfront if I had the points before the agent would assist me. I had to transfer before.
• You can store a card online in ANA's system before calling which can help the Fare Desk/agent speed up processing to avoid callbacks/payment issues. You can store up to two cards. They were willing to hold itinerary up to 3 days awaiting card payment, and possibly for more points (but not with 0 points in my account) - did not test this. Use this info at your own risk. I wouldn't bank on it with points -- risky.
• Used United's award calendar without being logged in + FlightConnections; consider paying for ExpertFlyer too, also be savvy about the booking window(s) of carriers and book against the edge for the best availability especially with ANA.
• When calculating distance with gcmapper use statute miles (mi) not nautical miles (nm)!
• You can change flight(s) after booking as long as its simply a date+time change - no change in routing/carrier. Class change upwards is allowed if your original ticket allows for it. I was not assessed a penalty/fee for the change like some claimed online - could depend though.

I hope this was helpful - pardon the length - just wanted to be as detailed as possible and give back to the community after all the help I received. Since this is all fresh in my mind please feel free to ask questions and I'll try to answer. I sincerely feel all the effort was worth it for the value I received - best of luck booking!

Hello, I’m making this post of my experience with Dr.Brosious since there’s not many reviews for him. Fair warning I did pay for this all out of pocket so I’m not sure what Insurance they accept.
Brosious is a surgeon based in Las Vegas and is well known for gender affirming surgery, I had actually never seen his name come up until I was watching the news, and when I checked him out he was pretty cool! I emailed for a consult estimate in december, then decided to officially schedule a consult in January, where it cost $150. The fee goes towards your surgery and fun fact Brosious only does consults on Wednesday. They do ask if you’re ftm, mtf, or non-binary in order to figure whether you need a letter, and since I am non-binary they said they might require one for me.
i went in for a consult about 2 weeks later, and met with Brosious. He came in and immediately asked me about being non-binary and how long I had thought about top surgery, he concluded that I was sure of what I wanted so he wouldn’t require a letter from me. He took measurements and pictures and told me what sort of procedure would be best and where my scar lines would be. He also explained that they do free nipple grafts but I could opt out and that any future revision or post-op appointment is paid for with my initial fee. He was very to the point but very nice about it, and was more than happy to answer all my typical questions. After that the front office gave me a full quote of $7,100, it was divided as $500 upfront to secure the surgery date and $6575 left to pay after. The quote was valid for about a month, but I essentially called back the next day and my surgery date was scheduled for a month out. Another fun fact they only do surgeries on Mondays
After scheduling they sent me an email with prep instructions and labs I needed to do and which medicines I needed to pick up (I did need to pay extra for the medicine but they gave me coupons. they gave me nausea, constipation and pain pills) after that it was just wait till surgery day. Day of surgery I arrived about 30 mins earlier than scheduled to check in and after waiting a bit I was taken to get prepped for surgery. something I saw no one mention is that you cannot fully empty your bladder in the morning because they will ask for a urine sample when they prep you for surgery and as someone who has never had surgery I wish someone had told me. i had to spend like 10 min connected to an IV bag just so I could pee lol. Anyways afterwards they wheeled me to the surgery room and as soon as they put the mask on me I was out. Woke up about 2hrs later in massive pain, but the nurses gave me morphine and I was fine. They explained all the care instructions to my designated driver and afterwards I was free to go home. I was still in pain but it felt more like a dull ache, and anything I ate that day I immediately threw up, even after taking nausea pills.
The bandages stayed on for a week, then I went in to get them removed. At the post-op appointment they told me I could either use a compression vest or ace bandages for compression but that either ways I needed to keep it on for 6 weeks. I was given xeroform to use on my nipples and cleared to shower only from the waist down, they said I could take a full body shower in 3 weeks. After that appointment I was pretty much left on my own with an instruction sheet rehashing what they said, but I was always free to call them for any questions. Which I did, and they were very nice about.
After the 6 weeks of binding I had a final appointment to see how I had healed, once I was cleared I was free from any more compression and told I could start scar care. It’s been 2 months from my surgery date and I’ve been healing well with no complications. For anyone having trouble finding surgeons in Las Vegas I highly recommend Dr.Brosious, he and his staff are very experienced and do a good job of keeping you comfortable and well aware of everything you need to do. If you have any questions feel free to ask me!

Question: If April flowers bring May showers, what do May flowers bring?
Answer: Puritans and misery.
Part 1 - May Flower Moon
I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure this is a ghost story. It all started in early May under the, "Flower Moon".
In the still of the night, I awoke from a deep sleep to witness a moonlight so spectacular it hurt my eyes.
Fumbling for my glasses, I found them, dropped them, cursed, then almost stepped on them. I finally got them where they belonged thinking I needed to use the bathroom. I glanced at the digital clock on my desk.
3:33 am. Again.
Willow weep for me
Bend your branches down along the ground and cover me
-Ann Ronell as sung by Billie Holiday
The birds were chirping loudly. I shuffled to the window. I looked up wide-eyed at the sky. There was the moon; big, round and golden like it didn't mind a big electricity bill. As I used the bathroom, I remember thinking that I didn't ever remember a full moon so bright it could light up my apartment.
I washed my hands then splashed warm water on my face. I cracked my neck. I dried my hands and face with a towel. I remember thinking if I didn't get back to sleep the day was going to suck.
Shuffling back into my bedroom I thought to look for my ski hat. I figured I could pull it over my eyes and escape the light under the blanket. Flower Moon was beautiful but so too is sleep. If I could just hide under the blanket perhaps it wasn't too late for sleep to creep up on me.
I have been renting the same sunny shoebox in old Brooklyn for more than 20 years. It's a corner apartment on the second floor of a 19th century walkup. Across the street, diagonally resides a community garden fronted by a very tall and expansive weeping willow tree that won't let me move away. I didn't know it's age until recently. But it's younger than me. Most things are these days.
I shuffled to the corner window to squeeze the blinds tight and that's when I felt grateful, grateful I had decided to use the bathroom first.
There, at the base of the hundred-foot-tall willow, behind the wrought iron fence, illuminated beneath the moon's glow, I witnessed something that froze my blood and tested my aging bladder. Standing beneath the moonlight, I saw, clear as day, a little boy in footed pajamas with a trap door. The little boy was holding a blue stuffed Grover Muppet in one hand and crying.
Trying to get a good look at the boy was like trying to look at something from behind a campfire. There was a shimmering distortion. What I could clearly see was that he was pointing down at the ground in front of his feet with the non-Grover hand. Suddenly, the little boy spun his head up and around looking directly at me. Eye contact occurred and then too, something I can't explain.
First, a truck transporting fuel broke loudly for the red light at the corner. Through the open windows I smelled what seemed like diesel. I grew light-headed. The room spun around. I remember thinking this feeling smelled both nauseating as well as timeless.
I reached down to try and pick up the floor and that's when it hit me in the face. A sharp pain across my cheek like I had been slapped in a 3 Stooges short. I felt icy fingers grab the hair I had not had in over 30 years and jerk my head back. I smelled more diesel. I grabbed the edge of the desk to keep from losing my balance.
Holding on to the desk, I noticed my mind's eye was playing the little boy's face like a movie. The camera panned in. His little boy face filled my consciousness like I was watching from the front row. He was about four or five years old with long dirty blonde hair. His face looked familiar from a dream.
Then, another slapping pain turned my last good cheek. Losing my balance, I fell ass first to the floor.
Out the window, from on my ass, I watched the traffic light turn green. I heard the truck lurch into gear, rev it's engine then drive away. As it rumbled off into the distance my equilibrium returned.
Muttering my life sucked I gently shook my head and felt for damage. Just my non-existent pride. I got myself vertical, yet once again; feeling a distinct twinge of anxiety.
I looked out the window but the little boy was gone. An FDNY ambulance took his place, it's siren jarring me back to reality. I closed the blinds and got under the blanket. I never did really get back to sleep that night. Or ever since.
Part II - Unhappily Ever Since
Sad as I can be Hear me willow and weep for me... -Billie I keep seeing a little boy under the tree... - me ...
The first thing I want to say is that I keep waking up for decades at exactly 3:33 am.
It's the exact time my decrepit birth certificate claims I was introduced to this world. Can't say why, but ever since digital clocks became a thing, I'm up more often than not to witness 3:33 am transpire. Never remember it happening before digital.
One of my friends recently told me it was an angel number. I don't know anything about angels. Never met one. But I for sure have met some demons in my day. In fact. you might say I was born of demon mother, and I might not be offended. Back to my birth certificate. I was born and yes, still live in Brooklyn, New York. There were gaps but it's my home.
I moved to this particular apartment building a few months after 9/11. I had moved in with a woman at the tail end of doing a romantic nickel, but that fell apart like Madoff, Abramoff or Fuckoff, and she married another dude a year later. So, there in 2002, I and my faithful golden retriever, Spenser, found ourselves, for the very first time, on our own. And, we liked it.
Like I mentioned, Spenser and I lived diagonal to a community garden that fronts a big and beautiful weeping willow tree. I felt an immediate kinship as my favorite book as a child had been, "The Giving Tree" and that's what she reminded me of; only more beautiful.
There will be more about the tree. Anyway, the tree and I dwell in an old part of south Brooklyn called Park Slope, infamous for being the stomping grounds of a young Al Capone, and, believe it or not, young me.
That was a long time ago. Things have changed a lot since Al and I, were separately roaming the streets of Park Slope, looking for adventure and whatever came our way. I came up in the day when if you cried your mother would give you something to cry about. And, not going to lie, I cried a lot. I don't remember my dad that much.
I remember he was a hippie. I remember he had a big beard and moustache and long hair. I remember his denim jacket was always cold, smelling like weed and cigarettes. I remember he gave me, "The Giving Tree" and taught me how to read it. And then, I remember he was; gone. Just. Gone.
I also remember my mother. I remember her never talking much. I remember her just smelling like hair spray, cigarettes and instant coffee with sour milk. I never was able to drink milk, not even as a child, and to this very day just the sight of a milk carton turns my stomach to acid.
I lived alone with the old lady about half a mile from where I live now. Yeah, in over thirty years I made it a whole thirteen blocks. Like I said, my pride was non-existent these days unless I was sitting on it. Another, weird thing besides waking up at 3:33 am is I have a lot of memory lapses. It has been getting worse the last few years. Especially, since old Spenser had a seizure in my arms back on the 9/11 of '09. He was fifteen and my best friend. I'd always loved dogs. But after losing Spenser, I couldn't quite remember things right all the time.
Sometimes, it was little things. Like did I turn off the stove or lock the front door. Other times, it was deep things, like did the telephone repair man try to do something to me when I was five and left home alone. Like did I pull a kitchen knife on him before he scampered out like a thief in the night; scared he'd be caught by my screams for Batman? Did I remember my mother having strange guests over late at night? Did I remember being locked in my room? I just couldn't remember anymore.
I had taken to obsessively keeping lists. But you can't put ghost-busting on a list, can you? And that was my real problem. Ever since, the May Flower Moon the haunting just kept rinsing and repeating. Eat edibles, Nyquil, and Advil PM and still wake up at 3:33am. Smell diesel. Wave of nausea. Little boy in garden. Little boy crying. Little boy pointing at something. Little boy looking up at me. Little boy. Little boy. Little boy.
By last Friday, I was a mess.
My work is suffering. I am too embarrassed to tell my aunt or besties I see a little boy. They already think I am weird enough and last thing I need is a wellness check.
To remain scientific, I have continued my daytime visits to the garden whenever it is open. Everything seems so lovely in the day. I even brought the new woman I am seeing. She fell in love with the tree at first sight. The flowers are gorgeous. And the roses; so mesmerizing. Even the fish in the koi pond are happy.
But at night. Something isn't right.
...Weeping willow tree Weeping sympathy Bent your branches down along the ground and cover me Listen to me plead Hear me willow and weep for me...
My new friend at work I mentioned, who told me about angel numbers, asked me recently if something was bothering me. She told me when we met, she is in the midst of a spiritual awakening.
Part of it includes awakening every morning to read the Tarot cards and commune with who, or what, she calls, "spirit".
I cracked and told her about the little boy under the tree. She didn't bat an eye. She told me spirit wants something from me. I didn't know what to say to that so I just left it alone. I guess I'm afraid what if she's right. And what if I don't like what, "spirit" wants?
Last night was Saturday. I had a dream.
That night I dreamed about a collie I had when I was a very young boy right after my dad split. Her name was Pearl. I had found her on the street on my block and for some inexplicable reason had been allowed to keep her.
Not long after, one hot summer day in Prospect Park, when my mother was going to give me something to cry about, Pearl suddenly ran down the hill she was frolicking on, making a wide sweeping arc that screamed, "ride or die, full throttle, and damn the fucking torpedoes," it's trajectory directly between my mother's legs. Fur overcame flesh just in the nick before I was given something to cry about.
Instead, I laughed.
I laughed so fucking hysterically at the sight of her on the grass, on her ass; smug look gone with the wind; replaced by an expression seething red menace that would have been McCarthy's wet dream.
And, like the little boy at 3:33 am, Pearl's eyes met mine. She seemed to nod her collie head, as if she were acknowledging that, yes, she was the best dog and don't you forget it. I didn't cry much for a while after that till I came home from school and Pearl was gone. Just gone. To some farm I was told. Where she could be happier. So, I guess I did get something to cry about after all.
And then last night I had a dream.
Part III - It weeps for me?
I dreamed of Peter Pan and buried treasure. I dreamed of Stove Stop stuffing and commercials loud enough to drown out a breech birth. I dreamed of Spider-Man letting Uncle Ben's killer go free. I dreamed of being American. I dreamed of Watergate, the fall of the Berlin wall, 9/11 and watching people jump out windows to avoid burning to death out the window of my office.
I dreamed of Iraq and Afghanistan and George Floyd and Covid and never-ending cycles of boom and bust. I dreamed of a golden carrot on what started out as a stick but soon morphed into what I realized was a branch. A long flowing beautiful branch covered in red. A branch that hung low. It swayed along the ground, swayed above my head and there I was.
I was in the garden. Under the tree. I felt drops of warm dew caressing my face. I was about to reach up to caress the tree. My tree. I noticed I was wearing pajamas. Not the black satin jammies I had been wearing for decades but old footie pajamas. They were Star Trek pajamas. With three golden rings on the cuffs and a trap door.
A drop of dew fell in my eye. I wiped it away and looked at my hand. It was red. Red with blood. My Mickey Mouse watch involuntarily color-coordinated with the blood. It appeared to be just after 3:30 am.
Suddenly, a dog appeared. It was Pearl. Then another, it was Spenser. They jammed their snouts into my flannel covered groin. I pet them both and noticed my tears mixing with the dewy blood drops turning them a soft pink under the moonlight.
"Good boy. Good girl." I said.
"Hi," a voice I recognized but couldn't place said.
I looked around. And there, was, the little boy. And, in his hand was Grover.
"Hi," I heard myself say.
"Who's the dog?" he said.
"That's Pearl. And this is Spenser." I answered.
"I know Pearl, silly. She's my dog," then, "Hi, Spenser."
Spenser left my crotch for the little boy's. They went together like peanut butter and sandwiches.
"Where are your parents?" I heard myself ask.
"Dad left. Mom told me to stay here until she comes back."
"When was that?" I asked.
The little boy shrugged then, "Been a while I guess," and he started to cry. Spenser got agitated and started to whine. I approached. I went to put my hand on the boy's shoulder and he jumped.
"Hey, it's okay." I took my hand back.
He looked up at me. Then he said, "You want to see something?
I said, "Yes."
The little boy fished around in his pajamas and pulled out something, it looked like a piece of rolled up construction paper secured with a red ribbon that matched the bloody dew drops.
He un-scrolled it then solemnly showed it to me.
It appeared to be a child's treasure map. That ended in the garden. Only it wasn't a garden. It said, "JUNK YARD" and there was a big X next to the corner of the rectangle the words were written in. I looked down at him.
"There's no junk yard here, son," I said.
The little boy looked away from Spenser and up at me. Pearl ran to his side. I felt six eyes on me.
"That's what you think," he said
A moment later there was the loud cracking of fireworks being detonated. I awoke in my bed. Fumbling for my glasses, I found them, dropped them, cursed, then almost stepped on them. I finally got them where they belonged thinking I needed to use the bathroom. I glanced at the digital clock on my desk.
3:33 am. Again.
I ran to the window to look out. But, unlike every other time for the past month, the boy was not in residence. He was gone. Just. Gone.
Part IV - The is The End
Gone my lovely dreams To weep my tears along the stream Sad as I can be Hear me willow and weep for me
...
This was fucking ridiculous. I am sane. I am not mad. I'd been reading, "The Giving Tree," too much. Spending too much time alone working from home. Maybe I just needed to get away. Take a trip somewhere.
I realized getting back to sleep was going to be impossible. So, I went into the kitchen and made a pot of tea. No milk.
Back at my desk, my "SHIT. FUCK. DAMN." glass mug of tea firmly in hand, I took a deep breath. There was no point in giving myself a heart attack. Maybe it was just anxiety. Maybe panic attacks. I had dated lots of neurotic women. That could be it. Maybe some Lexapro and I'd be good as new. I decided to check my email.
A woman I used to date from Queens and stayed friends with had sent me a link entitled, "Birth of a community garden." It was video to my garden. Before it was a garden. Over forty years ago. It was a decrepit vacant lot filled with dead cars and refuse and apparently had been a neighborhood drug bazaar. Like I said, things have changed a lot since Al and I were young as springtime.
By the time I moved back you would have never known what things had used to look like. Spray painted signs that read, "NO DRUGS SOLD HERE!" and the like. Just like the Batman, Dark Knight, the 80s were a time when Urban Renewal was striking back. And before you could say, "corruption at City Hall," there was fecund soil where once had stood God knows what.
It gave me hope that humanity wasn't so bad. Maybe I had just been going through a tough time. Maybe I should quit while I am ahead and get a good night's rest. So, I closed the blinds and went to bed.
Why I am never sleeping again
That night I dreamed I was part of the junk yard's saviors. Hauling out decades of festering trash and replacing it with good old Mother Earth. A whole community coming together to commune with nature. I felt myself smile.
All day we hoed the rows. The fecundity of the soil filling my nostrils. There was food and laughter and soon day turned to night. One by one all the gardeners left into the dusk. Soon I stood alone next to a young woman. She held a green army duffle bag. And two shovels.
"You look like a big, strong man. They're going to be planting a weeping willow tree here soon. But first, I wanted to leave the earth a special gift to grow up with the tree. This time I think we should give to the tree. Won't you help me?"
I felt a passing twinge of disgust. I rubbed my upper lip with the back of my hand and thought I smelled the faint smell of diesel. I heard myself say, "Hand me a shovel."
An hour later I had fulfilled the lady's request to deposit the duffel bag deep within the new garden's soil. She lit a cigarette I recognized. She blew some smoke in my face and it smelled like sour milk.
"Ever read a boy and his dog?" she asked.
I nodded.
"This is the opposite," she said. I smelled the diesel again and then remembered no more.
This morning I awoke feeling none too swell. I got my glasses on without dropping them for a change then sort of hobbled to the kitchen area to make some tea. I opened the blinds and there was my weeping willow tree. Swaying gently in the Sunday early June overcast chill.
Implacable. Inscrutable. True to it's nature. The day was gray as a widow's anniversary.
Well, there's always tea, I thought, ever the optimist. And then I dropped my, "SHIT. FUCK. DAMN." mug on my foot, simultaneously battering and scalding it. I let out a yelp.
Then, mouth agape, I smelled the diesel waft in the window by the fire escape. The window, where, leaning against the fire escape's stairs I witnessed something that froze my blood and tested my aging bladder.
I spied two shovels and an empty duffle bag.
I wonder what spirit will have to say about that?
Willow Weep For Me?

This is super long and i’m sorry i tend to try to add a lot of details to get the full story.
So my(26f) boyfriend(26m) and i have been together 2 years but we’re best friends for 2 before we got together. He is one of those guys who likes to play PS5 casually and he is by no means addicted to it. Usually plays for about 3-4 hours straight every time he is on though. Now that’s not my issue at all, i love when he partners does his own thing and can spend time with his friends/brothers doing a hobby that makes him happy. I’m very careful not to impede on this because i know he doesn’t get to see his friends or brother since he moved in with me 9 hours away to another state. So it’s kind of special for him. Now he’s my issue. Sometimes i feel like the game comes first before me. There was a time he said he was going to be on the game for a “little bit” then come downstairs and spend some time with me since i hadn’t seen him that much all day. He proceeded to spend 6 hours straight on the game playing without even so much as checking up on me. By the time he finished i was ready to just go to bed after sitting by myself for hours. I had to tell him why that was upsetting because i felt forgotten and ignored. Sometimes he’ll just disappear in his room and i won’t realize he’s playing the game until i go check on him or hear him upstairs laughing. Fine cool.
Fast forward to this weekend. I asked him Friday if we could go to the movies saturday (We both work M-F. he works at 7am and i work at 6am and sometimes he doesn’t get home till after 7-8pm while i get home around 2:30 and so i don’t get to see him much until the weekend) He agreed to the movie, everything was fine! We went to the gym around 2pm and stayed an hour then went home. Around 4pm He said he was going to use the dumbbell in his room for a “little bit” then come downstairs so we could pick a movie time. Great idea! Except he never came down…i went upstairs around 6 to check on him to see if he might’ve fallen asleep but i heard him talking and asked him if he was on the game and he said yes. I just went back downstairs without protest. I was upset i’m not going to lie so i got up and went on a walk to occupy myself and calm down because i don’t like to argue or talk when i’m angry as i feel it can cause more harm than good in conversations. It’s around 7 now and the movie time i had preferred was 8:05 the next time was 10:45 which would have been too late because we go to church on Sunday mornings and wouldn’t have gotten home till after midnight. He didn’t even realize i left the house at all. he still hadn’t came down. Then finally at 8 he messages me asking if i still even wanted to go. we live 15 minutes away from the theater, he wasn’t dressed to go and we wouldn’t have made it in time. i was very upset so i didn’t text back (i know that was immature to ignore him i admit that). i just came in, again unnoticed and went to my room to change out of my sweaty clothes. he asked me why i’m ignoring him, i didn’t respond till 9 telling him that i had just gotten home and was changing my clothes and that i was sorry for not responding fasteearlier. This isn’t the first time he’s kind of ditched / forgotten plans and then gotten on the game instead of making up for it. So i just wrote my feelings and anger into my journal instead of ripping him a new one. I text him that the never showing was at 10:45. he didn’t respond. so i went upstairs and he was laying down about to sleep because he had a headache. I know him. once he has a headache he’s not getting up even if he tells you he is. I gave him some medicine and asked him if we could go Sunday night to make up for it and he says yes so I let him rest without protest and just went downstairs. i was in tears and frustrated that he hadn’t just communicated that he wanted to play the game first. We didn’t go to the movies last night. i was so sad because we barely go out so i just sat on the couch alone drinking a little by myself.
We didn’t even end up going to church this morning because he said he couldn’t sleep. So i went without him then him, my mom and i were going to go bowling at 3 but he suggested we go next sunday because he was tired from not getting a lot of sleep still. (it’s 2:30pm) So i just told him it was fine and to get some sleep. i went downstairs and maybe 30 minutes later guess what? i hear him on the game. at 5 he texted me asking me if i’m ready for the gym and i’m a little annoyed so i reminded him he said we could go to movies tonight and he said “oh you want to go see ___still?” seriously ? so i told him fine i want to go to the gym AND see the movie He finally came downstairs at 6:45 asking me if i’m ready for the gym. i’ll admit i’m not yet because i’m typing this i just…i don’t know i feel like i’m justified to be upset but also like i’m overreacting.
There’s been times where we plan to have intimate time and he tells me he’s going to play the game first, stays on after 11pm, and then is shocked when i’ve headed to bed because i have work in the morning and have waited hours. he plays the game more than we have intimate time! I think this means he doesn’t like me anymore…maybe he can’t stand to be around me and just wants to break up but can’t so he avoids me…
How do i approach this without making it seem like i want him to stop playing because i don’t. I just want equal time and do not feel like i’m in second place.

This episode threw me off so much it was so strange.
Now, I am not from Spain, nor am I a Spanish speaking person so I did not know the show they were referencing in the challenge. All I knew was that it was maybe an SNL type gameshow. But it seemed a bit too complicated to me? I got that they had to come up with characters and have a backstory and a dynamic and a relationship. Why did they put such a big emphasis on the scoring in the first segment if it literally played no part in the judging? I can definitely see how the queens got thrown off and took the questions a bit too serious. And then the whole egg thing was just a mess to me(but I’m happy the queens had fun!). But what pissed me off the most was the judging! Illusions was such a good runway theme and to me they were all spectacular! I feel like if the theme is illusions, the emphasis should be on the iklusion itself and the concept behind it, rather then the materials or the fashion aspect. That would just be too many parts to keep track of. Kelly for example, I LOVED her look! I thought it was so cool how she took her signature rollerblades and used them to create the illusion of her floating on a thundercloud!(also we saw their reactions when the cloud lit up, they gagged and cheered). Who cares if the dress isn’t high fashion? It’s drag! Clover too! I thought her look was so well done and cool and funny and they called it a costume. But the for them to put Kelly in the bottom after they told her she did the best in the challenge, like they knew she did not have the strongest runways, this means she had absolutely no chance of winning this episode and I feel bad for her. Also I hate how they know Vania is full of love and they’re using it against her:(
Long story short, the judges are on crack🤪

I want to pretend this is a support group and share my story.
So a youtube video popped up in my feed about a week ago that instantly gave me that goosebumps feeling. The same feeling I think we all get while reading these stories. It was simply an image of a shadow man wearing a fedora and a trench coat. Something I'll never forget. Something I've never heard of outside my own stories. I just learned about kids several years back blasting through Benadryl to force it's appearance. I don't think that thing is worth it. Their is a drug-free method that can help.
When I was a teen, I was super big into astral projection for a few years. Mostly because I liked the low cost of admission for the chance to truly experience something bizarre. For those unfamiliar, I'm talking about the practice of keeping you mind awake and lucid while your body falls into a hypnagogic state. With all it's buzzing's and crunchy vibrations.
Anyways, I've seen all kinds of wacky stuff messing around with that. You still have dreams, but then you begin having THOSE dreams, too. Once they start, then you can expect them to pop in every so often. I stopped with I was a late teen because I decided that it really wasn't worth the experiences I was having. The good ones were fun and life changing in a positive way, but the bad ones made me question my motivations. However, once I stopped trying to induce that stuff, they'd still happen on their own, albeit less frequently. And that's when I felt regret in messing around, mixing my sleep with waking consciousness. Looking back, I think I conditioned my brain to recognize sleep-paralysis as a normal thing to be conscious for. I don't think I could recommend it.
Then 20 years later, here I am on the internet seeing viral videos about the most boring "entity" that I can personally recall. I never even bothered to write the experience down, so my memory could be hazy or wrong, who knows. But I'll never forget about the one that woke me up at night during my mid-twenties by opening my door, leaning in and staring at me.
An inky-black silhouette of a large guy (probably 6 and a half foot tall) standing right outside my bedroom wearing a sturdy trench coat and fedora style hat. A weird inexplicable light behind him as he just stood motionless in the hallway. Just staring at me like he's not only really there, but he's a member of the neighborhood that everybody knows about. A weird imposing familiarity outside myself is the best I can describe it. I felt no meaning beyond that. Of course I had sleep-paralyses as soon as he popped in. That's how it is most of the time. But, why just a shadow dude with a weird hat and a big coat doing nothing? So lame!
On average, waking up in that state meant that something should be grabbing me and dragging me through walls by now, trying to convince me of some weird idea I won't remember, or maybe locking me away in a weird kind of prison for what feels like months at a time. That's the sort of THOSE dreams I have when they happen. You wake up and it feels like a lifetime has passed. This shadow dude was the opposite, just stared at me motionless for what feels like 10-15 minutes, then I snapped out of sleep-paralysis and he blinked out. That's it! I guess I get angry when something takes over like that and just stares at me. So weird. I don't know how else to explain it.
At this point, I should add that I began seeing shadow people for a month or two before this event. I chalked it up to stress at work and didn't put much must concern into it. I'd never seen them before but I just assumed that I must be under some kind of new stress and shrugged it off. I viewed them as totally unrelated to any of my sleeping issues. Funny thing is, even though I've been under much more stress as I became an actual adult since then, with actual adult problems, I've still never seen any shadow people since. So something was weird about those few months, I guess.
I'd describe them as always looking around corners and watching you. If you notice them, they usually snap back around the corner quickly. That's the best way I can remember them. Just sitting in the break room eating a sandwich while I can see these things clearly in my peripheral curiously moving about. Looking back, I have to say they stopped shortly after they started. I think they left around the 2nd time I saw the tall shadow man wearing the dumb hat.
So this shadow guy with the dumb hat came back a few days later in early morning with what felt like a few other shadow folks. This would be the 2nd and final visit. The morning is usually when my risk of sleep-paralysis is at it's highest. This time, he just appeared at the foot of my bed. Same fedora looking hat and trench coat. So lame. This time, he began laughing at me. I vaguely remember spending a few minutes trying to figure it out. Why I'm so laughable I guess. Then the absurdity of the situation just took over my mind as I desperately fought the paralysis. Before I knew it, I was laughing too. My whole brain was laughing. Just as loudly with the rest of the shadow pals. For at least a few moments, every shadow guy in my room, including myself and this hat man, were just laughing. Like we all knew that me being vulnerable and splayed out for them was the funniest thing. I viewed the situation as such a waste of time that I couldn't of agreed more. Then poof! The paralysis was gone and the lighting in the room became much brighter. I realized I had my fan on as I was waking up, so I assumed the droning sound had something to do with why my brain inserted laughter into the scenario. Either way, that was great. Screw that shadow guy. I lived my life since without having to deal with that pointless hat man thing again. Good deal for me.
What stuck out to me at the time was three things. The first thing I didn't understand was what it wanted. What could it be accomplishing by standing there doing nothing. Asking questions like that help me understand if I have some kind of repressed issue I need to work on. Second was the laughter. Third was the bizarre feeling of it being outside myself. I was somehow convinced that if I asked somebody abought the laughing man, they'd know what I am talking about. That is a weird feeling to have from a nightmare in your mid-twenties.
So I asked some friends over the years, when the weird moments pop up that make sense to talk about such things. Nope. Just me. Nobody has seen the laughing man. Nothing like that on the internet either. But, now I wonder. If I bothered to mention the lame fedora and trench coat he was wearing, maybe I'd had better luck.