Hi there,
I'm a 27-year-old guy from just outside Orlando, Florida and I am seeking a real connection with a dominant woman who knows what she wants, and how to get it. Feel free to reach out if this stands out to you, I'd love to talk. I live alone and have been described by close friends as silly and compassionate, inclusion is one of the most important things in my life. I'm seeking a female-led relationship, the type of dynamic I am looking for is a life partner who is firmly in control, to what extent we can determine what works best for us. I would be more than happy to be your life partner who defers to you on the bigger decisions though I would love for you to have me in mind when making them. I recognize you are a real person so a constant dynamic isn't always realistic.
About me:
Basic stuff: I work a full-time job but also have a side hustle writing, I promise this is not nearly as exciting as it sounds but it is an increasingly lucrative thing that I'm looking to make my full-time focus sooner than later, still figuring out when sooner is though. I'm 5'7, about 140 lbs, here's a recent picture of me for reference. And as I recognize this is important to some people, I do not drive, my eyesight is very poor and as a result, I cannot legally drive, this, however, does not stop me from living an entirely independent life, most people don't actually know/can't tell until I tell them that I cannot drive.
Personal Interests: I love hanging out with friends and doing who knows what, I will admit that I am a bit of a homebody but my greatest joys in life are typically with other people, doing pretty much whatever. I am sober as in I do not drink or smoke but totally cool if you do as long as it is responsibly. I love going to thrift stores, eating great food, and really just exploring. I'm pretty nerdy in that I would say my single favorite thing to do is learn be that via YouTube videos, Reading or just getting out and trying something new, Psychology however is what interests me most and I could spend hours and hours talking about the weird ways people act and why. I also really enjoy movies and would love to know your favorite, I love anything funny or scary, and the Shrek series has a special place in my heart. Also love staying active, recently got back into going to the gym and an avid NBA followefan.
Fun Stuff
I am relatively inexperienced but I am someone who learns quickly and has done a thorough amount of research, enough that I feel that I can confidently serve a woman, the biggest part of all of this to me is the sense of belonging, the feeling of being owned by someone who wants the best for me and thus inspires me to want to be the best possible version of myself for them. I do not take this role lightly and it would be a privilege to be yours.
The Person I'm looking for:
I'm looking for a dominant woman either In Orlando or located somewhere in North America with the intention of this becoming an in person thing, I'm very open to relocating for the right situation and while I do like Orlando there isn't anything keeping me here. My ideal partner would be someone emotionally intelligent and capable of communicating in a healthy, consistent way, nothing excites me more than knowing exactly where I stand with you, for better or worse. (So I can improve to better serve.) Body type is unimportant to me as all women are beautiful in their own unique ways, as long as you take care of yourself you are my type. Age and your experience level are mostly unimportant to me as long as you're 20+ and know what it is you're looking for. Just to reiterate the connection is what is most important to me, knowing that someone has my best interest at heart and I have theirs, knowing that while I am still very much a person with real feelings but I want to be yours, completely.
Thank you for taking the time to check this out, I look forward to speaking to you soon.

I've been thinking a lot about this today. In America, if you're not completely destitute or worth less than at least a couple million dollars, there is an extremely high chance that everything you have will be wiped out by the medical industry in old age. Between medical bills, live-in aides, and living expenses, it costs our family roughly $100,000 per year to keep my grandma living in her own home. she is 96 years old and exceptionally healthy. This has been going on for nearly a decade. My grandfather's life's work has almost been eradicated, and he was a very successful man. Lawyer, owned a golf course, mayor of a town in a Detroit suburb. It's almost like the better you take care of yourself and the more money you make, the higher the tab you will run up when you get old. Our only chance of passing much of anything on to our children barring a freak instant death is to be exceptionally wealthy (at least $5m net worth), which none of us will be.
Does anybody else think about this? Lately, I have been reevaluating the plans for my life, because this seems to be the fundamental factor for decision making. Basing decisions (how hard to work, how much time to take off, how much to invest) off of anything else is ignoring reality, I have concluded. Essentially, the only tangible benefit of a lifetime of grinding and saving is the privilege to live in your own home during your final years, if you're lucky to have saved that much. Is that worth a lifetime of conscientious saving, investing, and foregoing of life's happiness in youth?

I have been following this sub for a while, tugging manually very sporadically, but not enough to have any results beyond some loosening of my skin. I decided to get a low cost device and I wanted to share with the group as I have seen several mentions of the cost of many devices but I haven’t seen this one discussed.
I ordered this dual tension device from a seller on Etsy and have a few hours with it so far and it seems to be working well. I have a bit of loose skin but not much so I have been using a “deep grip” to get a good stretch.
From my limited perspective this seems to be a good device to start without breaking the bank so just wanted to share, hope this helps!

Without any further context on the terms specific to the story (e.g. lazrian,solidarist,zafied,etc,...),which type's 'vibe' does this minor character give off:
Migorai Ashov (1877 - 1932) was the head of the KNI (Lazrian:Komitet Nacional Investigacii - National Investigation Committee),the secret police in the Zafied Alliance under its leader Hozeb Zdarin (1863 - 1948) (Primary Director of the Solidarist Party of the Zafied Alliance,1919 - 1948),serving as Chairman of the organization for 6 years from 1926 until his ousting and assassination in 1932.
Ashov was short,standing at only a little over 5 feet 5 inches (166 cm),and that,combined with his erratic,violent,and sadistic personality,earned him the nickname 'the Bloody Dwarf'. Under Ashov's control,the KNI has been attributed to over 40,000 killings,kidnappings and disappearances of political opposition,as well as the mass purges of Solidarist Party members suspected of being disloyal to Zdarin,due to which government propaganda often dubbed him 'the Iron Inquisitor'. He was known for using a variety of torture methods against political prisoners,such as drowning,electrocution,and beatings,and ordering thousands to be sent to labor camps for supposed 'anti-Zafied activities'. Purge victims were often given show trials based on unspecified charges and then summarily hanged or imprisoned.
Ashov was also believed to have been a known serial killer and sadist,personally torturing and murdering between 30-40 people. This made Zdarin,himself a figure with a brutish and criminal background (he was a career criminal in his youth prior to entering politics,supposedly working as a hitman for gangs and engaging in bank robberies),acquire a strong appreciation for Ashov's uniquely cruel methods which he (Zdarin) viewed as making Ashov a good tool for enforcing control through fear and brute violence,with Ashov himself being quoted as saying once:
'It is necessary that some so-called innocents become victims during this struggle against potential traitorous agents. We are launching an unrestrained obliteration of the enemy. Let there be no resentment if we leave a mark,as it is better a dozen innocents suffer than a single spy survive. When you chop wood,chips must fly.'
Eventually,however,after Zdarin's mass purges ended,rival party members accused Ashov of 'conspiracy against the Party'. Despite the accusation being vague,arbitrary and there being no concrete evidence for them,the infamously paranoid Zdarin trusted the rival members and had Ashov removed from his position in 1932,replacing him with the KNI Deputy Chief Raverin Palpia (1900 - 1949) (Chief of the KNI 1932 - 1943),who would eventually order Ashov to be executed by hanging a month later.
Palpia,unfortunately,was not much better than Ashov:under Palpia's 11-year stint as Chief of the KNI,the organization committed a series of atrocities and massacres,as well as mass deportations of ethnic minorities all across the territories of the Zafied Alliance. Palpia was also a sadistic serial killer,rumored to have personally tortured and murdered up to 70 people,as well as being a sexual sadist and prolific rapist who kidnapped wives of executed officials to rape them as a way of adding further humiliation,and is believed to have exhibited signs of psychopathy and narcissism. Palpia was also eventually arrested a little over a year after Zdarin's death (although by this time the KNI had already been abolished) by rival party members and died in a shootout with army guards entering his office to arrest him.
'Raverin Palpia (1900 - 1949) (Deputy Chief 1930 - 1932,Chief of the KNI 1932 - 1943) was Zdarin's longest-serving KNI chief,in office for around 11 years,entering office after orchestrating the removal and execution of his predecessor Migorai Ashov,and beginning an arguably even more violent and destructive time period in the Zafied Alliance's existence. He was believed to have been one of the most prolific and brutal serial killers and rapists in history,known to have personally tortured and murdered political prisoners as well as kidnapping and raping their wives before mutilating and murdering them. This was an open secret among party members,and even Zdarin didn't allow his granddaughter anywhere near Palpia due to his sexual deviancy despite otherwise trusting him as an enforcer (primarily due to Palpia's sycophancy). In 1943,the KNI was abolished but Palpia maintained a major position in the party until in 1948 Zdarin died and Palpia joined a three-member collective government that would rule until a new Primary Director was chosen. Only 15 months after Zdarin's death,his rivals ordered him to be arrested due to his criminal activities and he ended up dying in a shootout with guards who tried to arrest him at his residence.'
Where would you put this dude based entirely on vibes he gives off without any further detail or context?
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I lost $26K due to a fraudulent transaction. I am unsure how my account was hacked , I believe it has something to do with steam remote play as couple of days ago I noticed someone trying to play remotely, and made some fraud transactions through my american express card, which was resolved and refunded. I did not mention steam account hacking to my bank , but they denied my claim after 10 days of investigation. They are reconsidering my case and asked me to provide proof of hacking through a computer expert.
Through out the investigation the bank did not provide me any documentation , they didn't even provide me the claim number until I asked. There was also another fraudulent transaction of $5200 on my credit card which was refunded.
The fraudulent transaction payee was named as "Bank of America Business Card Bill Payment". I did not receive any SMS or email regarding the $26K transaction. I only received an email saying a payee was added but I was too late to see it. I am not sure what to do next please help

Fico 764, down from near 800 a year ago. Oldest credit card is 16 years. In the last few months I got an AAdvantage Platinum, and Chase IHG Premier. Last year I got a few other cards. I have 8 total. I travel for work and expense my hotel stays. We almost always stay at an IHG. I also travel for fun and am trying to maximize points I can use for trips as well as get lounge access and free checked bags. I’d like to get a VentureX as soon as possible for the lounges. I have an LLC I can use for getting business cards.
I’ve heard of various rules, like chase 5/24. I’ve also heard Capital One is very sensitive to recent new lines of credit and that other banks have their own quirks. I seem to be in approval jail right now for hard inquiries and recent new credit lines. Hopefully that will open back up in a month or two.
These are the cards I want to get in the next couple years, the C1 cards and the airline cards would be my higher priority: - C1 Savor - Delta Plat - C1 Venture X - United explorer - SW Rapid - IHG Traveler - Hilton Amex - Hyatt, world of - Marriott Boundless
What is the best order to get these to stay in good grace with these credit unions and not get locked out of anything?

~Escape The Night~ PvE w/PvP ZonesWIPED3PPHelisAI-BossesRaidingBBP100kNoobsKeycardsAirdropBunkersParty-SystemTraderBlackmarketBankingDrugsBedRespawnSpawnSelectVehicles+Guns+Loot+
IP: 51.81.221.168:7915
Join Our Discord https://discord.gg/2EQPEZ8
Server Restart Intervals Are At 5:40AM PST - 11:40AM PST - 5:40PM PST 11:40PM PST
BASE BUILDING: AT THE MOMENT TRADERS DO NOT SELL NAILS/FOOD/ARMOR, for a more survival feel we made base building a little more grindy than other servers for a better experience (MOD: BASE BUILDING PLUS), THERE IS NO BUIDLING NEAR PVP ZONES, HIDEOUTS, OR TRADERS (500m from Hideouts/Traders, 300m from PVP zones). Get your grind on and have fun with more of an immersive pvp building system. We have BasicTerritories/PVEZE Flag Zones. You need a flagpole to make a base & you need a flag fully raised on your pole to enable PvP. Since we use PVEZ the flags help in case you need to defend against a raid. The flag also helps keep all your items secure from poofing away. Sadly bases can be raided even with your flag pole lowered. So it’s recommended that you keep your flag pole raised.
ALL BASES HAVE A LIMITED AMOUNT OF VEHICLES THEY CAN POSSESS! Each base can have a max of 3 Land Vehicles & 2 Helicopters (This Is To Help Prevent Lag)
PVP ZONES/PVE: All PVP Zones contain either a military spot on the map, or Custom Keycard areas, Custom Key Cards spawn randomly around the map or in airdrops/military bases/bunkers.THERE IS ABSOULETLY NO KILLING OUTSIDE PVP ZONES, what ever damage you afflict on another Survior, that damage will come back to you, this a noob/pve setting of a server so show some respect.
KEYCARDS: There many different keycards you can get but they all are different. Some have different loot, some have mixed loot. Rare keycard rooms give 10x better loot than normal military/bm loot. There Is 2 Red/Black/Violet/Green Rooms. 1 Yellow/Blue/Med Lab/White Rooms.
Right Now The Keycards Ranging From Best To Worst Are Red, Black, Yellow, White, Violet, Green, Blue, Med Laboratory. There will probably be more in the future. Red Keycard Loaded but is suuuper rare.
(NOTE: Right now please don't fly into keycard areas. We recently added helis again and some areas are possible to fly into (AI will probably shoot them down but still we want keycards to be used to access keycard areas. ALSO When you open a keycard room it will stay open until server restart because the loot crates wont reset until after restart)
THE BUNKER: Right now there is currently 1 bunker on the server. You need a White Keycard to enter it & when you enter it turns to total darkness. You'll need a light or nvgs too see anything after entering. This place is worth checking out but be careful of possible chances of Zombies/AI. The bunker is really nice for finding blackmarket items and chances decent/guns/armoammo.
TRAVEL TRADER: We recently added a trader that can change locations and also change what they Buy/Sell! The Travel Trader Can Spawn At Any Keycard Locations (Based On When I Move Them) & Trades Rare Items Other Traders Might Not Sell Or Might Buy/Sell At A Discount!
TRADERS: Traders are all around the map and they only sell certain items there. Very high powered weapons cannot be bought a civ traders, they will most likely be purchasable at Blackmarket or not purchasable at all, you will need to scavenge your way around the map if you want to be the best, there are no handouts. Normal Civ Traders will have the essentials there to survive.
AI/BOSSES: AI spawn at all keycards/hideouts except Blue/Green Keycards. They have a chance to spawn anywhere else. There are 3 Bosses on the server. Killa, Zryachiy, the Goons. Killa spawns at Red/Black/Yellow Keycards. Zryachiy spawns at Prison Island. The Goons can spawn at Red/Black/White/Med Lab. The Goons are the rarest Bosses to run into right now while Killa and Zryachiy are about the same. Killa and Zryachiy can have guards.

XRP is a cryptocurrency that was created by Ripple Labs, a technology company focused on developing solutions for fast and low-cost international money transfers. It was released in 2012 and operates on a decentralized digital ledger called the XRP Ledger.
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XRP serves multiple purposes within the Ripple ecosystem. First and foremost, it acts as a bridge currency for facilitating fast and efficient cross-border transactions. When financial institutions use Ripple's payment protocol, known as RippleNet, they can use XRP as a liquidity tool to enable the near-instant transfer of money between different currencies. XRP serves as a medium of exchange, enabling the conversion of one currency into XRP and then into another currency.
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Another significant aspect of XRP is its role in addressing liquidity challenges in the traditional banking system. Ripple's technology aims to enable banks and other financial institutions to move funds across borders quickly and at a low cost. XRP can be used as a bridge currency to facilitate these transactions, reducing the need for pre-funded accounts in different currencies.
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XRP operates on its unique distributed ledger called the XRP Ledger. It utilizes a consensus algorithm called the Ripple Protocol Consensus Algorithm (RPCA) to validate and confirm transactions on the network. Unlike other cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, XRP is not mined. All 100 billion XRP tokens were pre-mined before its release, with the majority held by Ripple Labs.
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It's important to note that while Ripple Labs created XRP and actively promotes its use in the financial industry, XRP and Ripple are not the same entity. Ripple Labs holds a significant amount of XRP, but they are separate entities with distinct purposes. RippleNet and the XRP Ledger are the technologies developed by Ripple Labs, while XRP is the native digital asset used within that ecosystem.
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Overall, XRP is a digital asset created by Ripple Labs that serves as a bridge currency for fast and efficient cross-border transactions. It aims to provide liquidity solutions and improve the speed and cost-effectiveness of international money transfers within the financial industry.

I (28 M) graduated from college 2 years ago and now I’m having a stable, decent-paying job that allows me to escape pay check to pay check living hell. I’m thinking about retirement and savings for future. I followed the sub’s flow chart and I have completed the following:

1. I have been able to save up more than enough in my HYSA (1-year emergency + vacations + unexpected expenses).
   
2. I have been contributing 10% pre-tax to my employer’s pension plan - this is mandatory as we’re unionized.
   
3. I have been contributing 10% pre-tax + 10% post-tax (Roth) to my employer’s 457b plan - I chose an extremely aggressive investment portfolio with total expense ratio of 0.5%. I’m maxing out on this plan.
   

I’m living a frugal life - no debt so far, so I still have more than enough in my main bank account to cover my basic and unexpected expenses. One of my goals is to be able to buy a house in the next 3 or 5 years when the opportunity comes. Should I open an IRA? Doesn’t this seem redundant as I already invest nearly 30% into retirement? Is 30% too much compared to 15-20% rule of thumb? Should I open an individual brokerage account and invest in index fund to speed up my saving for future mortgage down payment? Are CDs and bonds safer for me in 3-5 year savings? Do index funds and CDs/bonds yield the same ROI?

I quit the game during pre-bank SS because the game was damn near unplayable with all the copy/paste balance teams built to abuse and/or deal with the one-move nukes of G-Darm and Dracovish running around the meta, and am thinking about getting back into mons after watching some of the new gen content from Blunder and Aim. Pokemon looks genuinely fun again, but I’m on the fence.
Is the juice worth the squeeze? What’s changed in the past few years? Is stall still unplayable? What mons does everyone hate in 2023 now that Lando got brought down to earth?

HBO Max Series! Here’s options for downloading or watching The Last of Us (episode 3) streaming season 1 online for free on 123movies & Reddit, including where to watch Craig Mazin's series at home. Is The Last of Us 2023 available to stream? Is watching The Last of Us on Disney Plus, HBO Max, Netflix or Amazon Prime? Yes we have found an authentic streaming option / service. Details on how you can watch The Last of Us for free throughout the year are described below.
WATCH The Last of Us Online Free
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Here Option’s to Downloading or watching The Last of Us streaming The Last of Us full movie online for free. Do you like movies? If so, then you’ll love New Romance Movie: The Last of Us. This movie is one of the best in its genre. The Last of Us will be available to watch online on Netflix's very soon!
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Now Is The Last of Us available to stream? Is watching The Last of Us on Disney Plus, HBO Max, Netflix, or Amazon Prime? Yes, we have found an authentic streaming option/service. A 1950s housewife living with her husband in a utopian experimental community begins to worry that his glamorous company could be hiding disturbing secrets.
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Showcase Cinema Warwick you'll want to make sure you're one of the first people to see it! So mark your calendars and get ready for a The Last of Us movie experience like never before. of our other Marvel movies available to watch online. We're sure you'll find something to your liking. Thanks for reading, and we'll see you soon! The Last of Us is available on our website for free streaming. Details on how you can watch The Last of Us for free throughout the year are described
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If you're a fan of the comics, you won't want to miss this one! The storyline follows The Last of Us as he tries to find his way home after being stranded on an alien The Last of Ust. The Last of Us is definitely a The Last of Us movie you don't want to miss with stunning visuals and an action-packed plot! Plus, The Last of Us online streaming is available on our website. The Last of Us online is free, which includes streaming options such as 123movies, Reddit, or TV shows from HBO Max or Netflix!
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The Last of Us Release in the US
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The Last of Us hits theaters on January 20, 2023. Tickets to see the film at your local movie theater are available online here. The film is being released in a wide release so you can watch it in person.
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How to Watch The Last of Us for Free?release on a platform that offers a free trial. Our readers to always pay for the content they wish to consume online and refrain from using illegal means.
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Where to Watch The Last of Us?
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There are currently no platforms that have the rights to Watch The Last of Us Movie Online.MAPPA has decided to air the movie only in theaters because it has been a huge success.The studio , on the other hand, does not wish to divert revenue Streaming the movie would only slash the profits, not increase them.
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As a result, no streaming services are authorized to offer The Last of Us Movie for free. The film would, however, very definitely be acquired by services like Funimation , Netflix, and Crunchyroll. As a last consideration, which of these outlets will likely distribute the film worldwide?
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Is The Last of Us on Netflix?
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The streaming giant has a massive catalog of television shows and movies, but it does not include 'The Last of Us.' We recommend our readers watch other dark fantasy films like 'The Witcher: Nightmare of the Wolf.'
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Is The Last of Us on Crunchyroll?
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Crunchyroll, along with Funimation, has acquired the rights to the film and will be responsible for its distribution in North America.Therefore, we recommend our readers to look for the movie on the streamer in the coming months. subscribers can also watch dark fantasy shows like 'Jujutsu Kaisen.'
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Is The Last of Us on Hulu?
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No, 'The Last of Us' is unavailable on Hulu. People who have a subscription to the platform can enjoy 'Afro Samurai Resurrection' or 'Ninja Scroll.'
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Is The Last of Us on Amazon Prime?
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Amazon Prime's current catalog does not include 'The Last of Us.' However, the film may eventually release on the platform as video-on-demand in the coming months.fantasy movies on Amazon Prime's official website. Viewers who are looking for something similar can watch the original show 'Dororo.'
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When Will The Last of Us Be on Disney+?
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The Last of Us, the latest installment in the The Last of Us franchise, is coming to Disney+ on July 8th! This new movie promises to be just as exciting as the previous ones, with plenty of action and adventure to keep viewers entertained. you're looking forward to watching it, you may be wondering when it will be available for your Disney+ subscription. Here's an answer to that question!
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Is The Last of Us on Funimation?
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Crunchyroll, its official website may include the movie in its catalog in the near future. Meanwhile, people who wish to watch something similar can stream 'Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba – The Movie: Mugen Train.'
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The Last of Us Online In The US?
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Most Viewed, Most Favorite, Top Rating, Top IMDb movies online. Here we can download and watch 123movies movies offline. 123Movies website is the best alternative to The Last of Us's (2021) free online. We will recommend 123Movies as the best Solarmovie alternative There are a
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few ways to watch The Last of Us online in the US You can use a streaming service such as Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime Video. You can also rent or buy the movie on iTunes or Google Play. watch it on-demand or on a streaming app available on your TV or streaming device if you have cable.
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What is The Last of Us About?
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It features an ensemble cast that includes Florence Pugh, Harry Styles, Wilde, Gemma Chan, KiKi Layne, Nick Kroll, and Chris Pine. In the film, a young wife living in a 2250s company town begins to believe there is a sinister secret being kept from her by the man who runs it.[$InshaAllha$]

Below I shall briefly prove that Skanda/Murugan came from non-Vedic, i.e. Dravidian practices:

Skanda

The origin of Skanda or Murugan, as he is known in the south, is similar to that of Ganesha. In this section, the Northern version of Skanda and his Southern counterpart Murugan will be dealt with separately. For simplicity, Skanda will refer to the Sanskritic god of the North and Murugan will be used to refer to the Dravidian version of the south.
As briefly touched upon before, Skanda originated amongst the class of spirits called Grahas.
These Grahas are not to be confused with the nine planets. Graha comes from the Sanskrit root “grh” meaning to “seize”. These beings cause sickness by possessing or “seizing” a person.
The Rig Veda 1.161.1 refers to a female Graha called a Grahi.
“muñcāmi tvā haviṣā jīvanāya kam ajñātayakṣmād uta rājayakṣmāt grāhir jagrāha yadi vaitad enaṃ tasyā indrāgnī pra mumuktam enam ”
“By means of the oblation I set you free to live safe from undeveloped consumption and from royal sumption; and if the seizer has already seized him, then to you, Indra , and Agni , set him free”
However as much as the Graha is found early as the Rig Veda, they are not of Indo European origin.
One of the earliest nuanced mentions of the Grahas, including Skanda, are found in the Sushruta Samhita.
“Attentively hear me describe, Sushruta, the origin, cause and medical treatment of the diseases of infancy which are due to the influences of malignant stars (Graha) or demons as well as the characteristic symptoms by which each can be accurately diagonosed. The diseases number nine in all and are called Skanda-Graha, Skandapasmara, Shakuni, Revati, Putana, Andha-Putana, Shita-Putana, Mukha-mandika and Naigamesha or Pitri-Graha. 2–3” (S.S Uttara Tantra 2.25.2-3).// Translate this by kyself later.
These Grahas are said to cause grave sickness amongst infants. The Skanda Graha for example is described as follows in the same chapter:
“Swelling of the eyes and distorted features of the face and an aversion to the breast-milk are the indications of an attack by the Skanda-graha. The body of the child emits a bloody smell and one of the eyelids becomes fixed or motionless. The child looks frightened, closes his fists (as in a fit of convulsion) and moans a little. The eyes become highly rolling and the stool becomes hard and constipated. Alternate fits of fainting and consciousness, convulsive jerks of legs and hands like those in dancing, foaming (at the mouth), yawning and the passing of stool and urine with the passage of wind are the characteristic features of an attack by the Skanda-pasmara-graha. 5–6.”
Such beliefs of malignant spirits attacking children are prevalent even today amongst the rural folk of south India. However, disease demons are universal, so the non Vedic-ness of the Grahas, must be sought out. The origin of the belief in the Grahas is inferred from the rituals prescribed to appease them. Amongst the rituals there is this interesting paragraph:
“The physician (or any other person acting on his behalf) should bathe in the night and worship the god Skanda for three successive nights in the inner quadrangle of the house of the child or at the crossing of roads with various offerings, viz., garlands of red flowers, red flags, red perfumes such as Kumkuma, edibles of various kinds and newly harvested barley grains, Shali rice. A cock should be sacrificed on the occasion (to appease his wrath) and bells should be rung (for his propitiation). The water to be used for bath (in course of worship), should be consecrated by reciting the Gayatri Mantra and the sacrificial fire should be duly lit with (three, seven or ten) libations (of clarified butter). 6.”(S.S. Uttara Tantra 2.28.6).
The first motif is the use of red coloured items. We find parallels to this in early Tamil traditions of Murugan. Indeed Murugan in modern Hindu iconography is associated with the red color. We shall get into this later.
The other aspect of the ritual is the sacrifice of the cock. This is also accompanied later by the offering of meat and blood:
“The physician (or the votary officiating for him) should worship the presiding deity of the disease in a ditch (dug out for the purpose) with the offerings of both cooked and uncooked meat, fresh blood (of a goat), milk, and edibles prepared with the Masha pulse for the ghosts, and the possessed child should be bathed at the crossing of roads by physician observing the necessary fast, etc. with the recital of the following Mantra….”(S.S. Uttara Tantra 2.29).
Returning the the offering of the cock, it is curious that this animal is mentioned. The cock is featured in the Vedic ritual of Ashvamedha, but as an animal to be released alive. Moreover, the Manusmriti prohibits the consumption of the fowl.
“The mushroom, the village-pig, garlic, the village-cock, onions and leeks,—the twice-born man eating these intentionally would become an ou tcast.—(19)”(MS 5.19).
On the positive, we have the sacrifice of the chicken in Dravidian and tribal rituals.
In the Nellore District, the goddess of diseases Kateri is popritiated for safe child delivery. At the same time, she has a great thirst for blood. As Elmore recorded, the woman“, offers a fowl to Kateri , cooks the fowl and eats it . She then puts on the koka which has been offered to Kateri, and makes various offerings, especially the blood of more fowls” (Elmore pg 50).
Similarly, Kanaka Durgamma is popritiated when there is cattle disease, and each step of her worship involves the slaughter of a fowl. It is recorded by Elmore that in the ritual a woman is possessed by the goddess and starts asking for the blood of chickens, goats, sheep, or buffalo. When a person dies, the Gulgulias, a group of people in Eastern India, pour liquor down the copse. They then kill a chicken, burn it, and through the ashes into an irrigation tank to ensure the spirit is satisfied. Most of the offerings to these goddesses and spirits, however, tend to beof goats or sheep.
The Gonds appease wrathful spirits by offering usually a goat, pig, or a chicken depending on the god they are woshiping. For Bara Deo, a spotted he-goat; for Takkur Deva, 5 chicken and a pig. When a person dies, the third day after the funeral is called Tisra. On Tisra the chief mourner kills a chicken near a stream and cooks it with rice.
The Irulas also offer a cock to appease evil spirits.
Thus the use of chicken meat in the ritual to appease the Grahas are not of Vedic origin, and likey stem from Dravidian or Austro Asiatic sources. Interestingly, modern iconography of Skanda features him with the rooster as an emblematic animal. Puranic legend states that when Skanda killed Surapadma who hid himself as a tree, the two fragments of the tree became a peacock and a rooster. Perhaps the offering of the cock to Skanda led to him having the bird as one of his emblematic animals.

The Distancing

As some scholars point out, as the cult of Skanda grew and the as spirit started becoming a full fledged deity, people weren’t happy with the relationship with the Grahas. Coming back to the Sushruta Samhita, the 32nd chapter of the 2nd Canto of the Uttara Tantra has this to say on the subject:
“It is impossible that the god springing from Rudra and Agni, with his exalted parentage would find pleasure in such a dangerous disease even out of childish frolic-someness and it has also been asserted by eminent authorities on the physical science that some unintelligent persons have been misled into holding, through a mistake due to the identity of the names, that the author of the disease under discussion (Skanda) is no other than the invincible Skanda”.
However, while trying to deny Skanda’s nature as a Graha, it fails to dissolve any trace of his malignant origin. Previously in the chapter, it is recorded that
“ Skandapasmara, the presiding deity of the disease named after him, was created by Agni, the fire-god (Vulcan). He is as bright as fire itself and is a constant companion of the god Skanda and is also known by the name of Vishakha”
The name of Graha having Skanda in it, as well as his association with Skanda, ironically end up echoing the deities' past. Ironically, in later texts, Vishakha is an epithet of Skanda. The chapter continues saying
“On the effulgent god Skanda’s being elevated to the leadership of the armies of Heaven, the presiding deities of those diseases waited upon him and with folded palms asked him about the means of their subsistence. The god Skanda in his turn, referred them to His Holiness the god Shiva for the answer, whereupon they went to the latter in a body and made the same query”
This narrative is found in the Mahabharata Aranyaka Parva Chapter 219. After Indra struck Skanda with the vajra, a part of his body split off and became Vishakha. Also from Skanda’s fiery body, came the Grahas which are made to torment women and children. The likely explanation for this distancing is that the cultured people didn’t like how their god could be malevolent, thus they tried to make him benevolent while not completely disregarding his origins. Narratives like those in the Mahabharata were an excellent way for the brahmanas of the Mauryan and Guptan era to accomplish that goal.
​

Origin of Murugan

Murugan is the Tamil name for Skanda. The name literally means “Youthful”, the same way “Kumara” does. Murugan has an similar origin as his northern version, as a wrathful spirit.
According to Iravatam Mahadevan, a scholar in Indus Valley and Dravidian studies, Muruku (i.e. Murugan) in early Tamil times was a departed soul or spirit that would possess a priest (Velan) or a maiden who then would dance frantically. Murugan was thus a wrathful formless spirit. However, he is said to be red and carry a spear. Evidently, the Velan wore red clothes and carried a spear. Bloody sacrifices also were offered for Skanda. The dance that the Velan would do to appease the spirit Murugan is called Veriyattal. The Velan was summoned to solve problems or even tell how wars would unfold. In the Veddah people of Sri Lanka believe in a spirit called Kande Yakkha. And in one recollection of their myth on Valli’s origin, Kande Yakkha was the substitute for Murugan. This may be from early contact between Tamilians and the Veddahas and thus establishes the spirit origin of Murugan.
According to Mahadevan, “Muru” is a PDr root meaning “to break” but is homiphonous with “mur” meaning “Young”. Confusion may have made Murugan youth. This may have influenced the iconography of Skanda in the North. But more likely is that Skanda got his youth from Agni and this tradition influenced his southern counter part.
I depart from the traditional view that Velan derives from Tamil “Vel” meaning spear. If we are to assert a Proto Dravidian, or even Proto South Dravidian origin, for Muruguab, it must be noted that Tamil “Vel” meaning spear has only a cognate in Malayalam. That is also because Malayalam is descended from Tamil. Thus Tamil “Vel” is not an original Proto Dravidian world. However the Tamil root “vel” meaning “sacrifice” is of Proto Dravidian origin, with cognates being in Telugu as well (Tel “Velpu” = “god”; “Velvi” = “Sacrifice”). Thus the Velan could mean “sacrificer”. Then from homophones, Velan got reinterpreted to mean “Spear man”, thus prompting Murugan to carry a spear. This spear then may have made him a war god. Of course this is speculation , and further Dravidian research is needed.

The Influences

Most scholars agree that it is the Northern Skanda that influenced the Southern Murugan. The priority for the North is evident from the fact that Tamil traditions say that Skanda is said to have been born in the North but decided to settle in the South.
The reason Skanda and Murugan would be conflated is plain obvious. The deities are both wrathful spirits needing appeasement. In fact, both Skanda and Murugan may derive their similar attributes because they originated from the same tradition, making both traditions of Skanda and Murugan figuratively siblings. Iravatam Mahadevan taxes the origin of Skanda worship to the Indus Valley. One of the Harappan script signs he identifies is a curled up skeleton. The Proto Dravidian root he assigned the sign to was “Mur” meaning “twisted” or “shriveled up”. This is homophonous to the roots meaning “break” and “youth”, and the connection to the dead makes this sign a great candidate for evidence of Murugan or general spirit appeasement during the Indus Valley period. What may have then happened was the Dravidians bought the Murugan worship to the South while the people who stayed in the North introduced their beliefs to the Vedic people. Indeed the Tamil literature attributes Skanda to the Kurunji landscape, which is the mountainous regions of Ancient Tamilikam. Indeed amongst the Niligiri tribes, like the Irula, is spirit worship the norm.
The Sangam literature knew of the Vedic practices, suggesting that Northern traditions have been established in the south. This is is possible that the developments of Skanda in the North have been introduced during the Sangam period and influenced the conception of Murugan, at least in part.
​
​
References:
DRAVIDIAN GODS IN MODERN HINDUISM A STUDY OF THE LOCAL AND VILLAGE DEITIES O F SOUTHERN INDIA by Wilber Theodore Elmore.
https://www.jstor.org/stable/40450839?read-now=1&seq=3#page_scan_tab_contents - gonds offer to spirits several animals, but mostly goats and chickens.
https://www.jstor.org/stable/40453635?read-now=1#page_scan_tab_contents - shaministic stuff about Austroasiatic tribes. Includes chicken use. //
https://www.jstor.org/stable/44141129?read-now=1&seq=3#page_scan_tab_contents Skanda and Vishaka alluded as Mahabharata reference.
Skanda:
https://www.jstor.org/stable/43483765...
https://www.jstor.org/stable/24049041...
https://www.jstor.org/stable/20297310...
https://www.jstor.org/stable/1062666?...
https://rmrl.in/wp-content/uploads/20...
“Worship of Ancient Tamils Gleaned from the Tamil Literature” by Dr.P.Ganesan https://starlingdb.org/cgi-bin/respon...
\data\drav\dravet&first=161&off=&text_proto=vel&method_proto=sound_substring&ic_proto=on&text_meaning=&method_meaning=substring&ic_meaning=on&text_sdr=&method_sdr=substring&ic_sdr=on&text_tel=&method_tel=substring&ic_tel=on&text_koga=&method_koga=substring&ic_koga=on&text_gnd=&method_gnd=substring&ic_gnd=on&text_ndr=&method_ndr=substring&ic_ndr=on&text_bra=&method_bra=substring&ic_bra=on&text_notes=&method_notes=substring&ic_notes=on&text_any=&method_any=substring&sort=proto&ic_any=on https://webcache.googleusercontent.co...
https://dash.harvard.edu/bitstream/ha...
https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/3024...
https://www.academia.edu/12681396/BEL...
The Rise of Mahāsena: The Transformation of Skanda-Karttikeya in North India from the Kuṣāṇa to Gupta Empires Book by Richard Dewey Mann https://www.academia.edu/33546233/Ori...
https://www.jstor.org/stable/20486646...
Early Cult of SKanda in North India: From Demon to Divine Son http://www.shanlaxjournals.in/pdf/ASH...
http://murugan.org/research/zvelebil.htm
http://kataragama.org/valli.htm
https://www.jstor.org/stable/24652468...
https://www.sacred-texts.com/hin/m03/m03228.htm Mahabharata, Skanda as Agni who is Rudra
https://www.sacred-texts.com/hin/m09/m09044.htm Shalya Parva origin of Skanda
https://eprints.soas.ac.uk/29066/1/10731161.pdf
https://tulsidas-ram-books.weebly.com/uploads/2/1/7/4/21746472/devi_puran.pdf
https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/39183392.pdf
https://books.google.com/books?id=05LXAAAAMAAJ&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=mother
https://www.zora.uzh.ch/id/eprint/135436/1/Asher-Greve_Westenholz_2013_Goddesses_in_Context.pdf

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Was approaching tower bridge from the south, at the junction just south of the bridge the police were diverting traffic into the zone due to a extinction rebellion protest that closed the bridge, I naturally assumed that the charges would be suspended in those circumstances, they were not. The fine arrived and when challenged TfL said that they contacted the police and they informed them that there were no diversions into the charging zone. Something is very wrong here as the police had no other option but to divert traffic into the zone. The protest even made headline news. As my challenge was rejected I didn't seem to have any other option but to pay the so-called fine. Is this how TfL really operates, and would it have been worthwhile appealing. I still have the PCN number's and TfLs reply in writing. This was nearly two years ago now on August bank holiday Monday. I cannot and never will forget the seemingly injustice of this.

Hi everyone! I've been a lurker here for a while, and I've been reading different stories about people who worked in crypto sharing their regrets and/or spiteful feelings here, so it encouraged me to share my own. I never really post or comment on reddit except in gaming subreddits for help, so this is a first! I hope I don't bore you to death, but I imagine it might feel a little nice venting it out.
In hindsight, I didn't realise this would be such a long, long read, so please forgive the wall of text. This is really really long, but I don't care; I just wanted to get it all out to actual people. Read it if you will.
Lemme get some key points outta the way so we don't start off on the wrong foot
· at the beginning, I was never really "pro" or "anti" crypto
· I didn't lose any money lol
· throughout the whole thing, I was crypto neutral
· I managed to stop the project before it launched
· please do not refer me to suicide hotlines, I'm already going through therapy
· I was ignorant about crypto at the beginning; but now I know, so please, no lectures!
· I haven't "made money" either; in fact, I put a stop to the thing my friends were working on.
· I don't think I'm very smart, in fact, I feel stupid and useless after this whole debacle
· This doesn't really have a happy or "bad" ending, so please don't expect a happy ending. Also, again, please, please refrain from "giving advice." Just hear this out, and that's it. Make fun of this or ridicule it or empathise with it, I don't care; just don't "give advice" or "reassure" or whatever. Have the decency to just read something like this and let it be. Thank you!!
About myself: I don't really have a background in tech, and most of this is rather confusing stuff (then and now). I'm actually never on social media or the internet too often. I'm a writer, musician, and artist (mostly writer and musician), and I've done administrative work, project management, and journalism work to get by. I'm currently studying my undergraduate degree. I'll go about this chronologically.
2021 Jan - Sep: one of my friends got into crypto. He's a programmer (and a good one at that). I observed from the sidelines, and he kept talking about how much money he's made by trading. The concept of it never made any sense to me, but I'm not a programmer and I trusted my friend, so I was like "well, good for you." I never really understood any of that trading hubbub either!
I never really paid attention to any of this stuff, I was usually out with my friends, working, making music, playing games, or just writing. I never even owned a twitter account until late 2021!
2021 Sep: My friend made a whole lot of money one day, and I was pleasantly surprised! This guy always had those chart things on his screen 24/7 (never closed) whenever we went to his house, so we were all like "what the heck, that's hard work, huh?" I was genuinely happy that he's gotten his big break, because I believed he deserved it. He's one of the most talented people I know. Turns out one of his friends ran this crypto project with all these strange buzzwords that I still couldn't quite understand and gave him some "airdrops" before the "governance" token things launched. Oh, this isn't the thing I worked for, by the way!
2021 Oct: I didn't know too much about crypto, but I got it's selling point (or, well, I was dumb enough to fall for it). At least according to them, it's internet money that you can send anywhere at any time that you "own" and no central authorities own whatsoever (now I know that this concept is just incredibly stupid, but bear with me). I mean, I wasn't really an anti-government nut (and I didn't really turn into one either), but my friend's adamant on it, so I was like "well, why not?" and put $1000 in — wired it to this exchange (hint: it's not FTX, Coinbase, or Binance). Long story short, I put some money into that "Sandbox" thing and made a good few hundred bucks when it went up. There wasn't any real reasoning other than "well, Sandbox is a game, and people must use it for things, right?"
Oh, also, sandbox did these giveaway things for some "alpha pass" where you play their game and post a screenshot on twitter and win one of these alpha pass NFTs that you can sell on the market. I lucked out, got one, immediately sold it — I made like $5000 reselling that thing at "floor price." I remember thinking "woah, these guys must really want to play this game," which was naive and stupid, I guess.
2021 Nov - 2022 March: I cashed that out (the exchange wires that money back into your bank account for you) and steered clear later, because the whole thing was too much for me, staring at those dumb charts watching lines go up and down. That was all the money I ever made from crypto. I used it to buy some much needed medical devices, a guitar, and.. well, a new mattress. I donated the remainder away. Every time I asked my programmer friends to explain something or the other, it's always handwaving to "DYOR!" Every source they pointed me to confused me even more, and now I know that's deliberate with these grifters.
2022 March - May: I was still in their group chat so I could see them talk about it every now and then. Sometimes I drop in my comments about real-world news. One day, my friends were talking about starting an actual business. This was something I had experience in, and as far as I've seen, anything tangible that anyone's ever done with crypto was usually with games. I've had this idea for a type of game that I really cherished, and one of my friends had experience as a game developer. It was a relatively simple idea.
Let me tell you though, I really loved this game subcategory. I'm even in a university society for it. It's been one of my lifelong dreams to see my idea come to life. So I pitched the idea in, cause why not? The subcategory was never done in crypto, so at least we'd have the advantage of novelty, I thought. They weren't really sure how to monetise it, so I said "why not monetise the characters?" It seemed reasonable at the time: the characters could act as access points to the game and anyone could buy new characters for like, what, 5 bucks? At least that's what I had in mind. They agreed, so I found a popular NFT project to pitch the idea for (since it made more sense to work under an organisation rather than going full indie into a space we had no reputation in yet).
At the time, my friends said making these characters NFTs would give people "real ownership" and be a way to "support digital artists by cutting out the middleman." I mean, as a writer and musician, that did appeal to me. I didn't really question much of it (and I know I should have, it should have been due diligence, that was careless on my part). I thought "maybe we could make these NFTs customisable, because that's what RPGs are about, right?" and we went ahead with that.
2022 April - June: Here's a reminder: I'm a social media hermit. I never get on it unless it's checking on someone on Facebook or Instagram (or messaging). I never had twitter until 2021! So, I've never heard of people like Molly White, Tante, David Gerard, Amy Castor, yada yada until around this time. One my friends showed me Dan Olson's "Line Goes Up." And man, what a watch that was. It confirmed my gut feelings about crypto, that this is all just... hollow, insane, crazy stuff. My heart sank after watching that video.
I remember googling "responses to Line Goes Up" because I was in denial back then, not because I "believed" in crypto but I just didn't want to admit I've wasted so much time and energy. And I remember how every single "response" was just... idiotic. At that point, I sent that video to that NFT organisation's discord and said "if we're all genuine about this, maybe we should watch this and try to improve ourselves." It was the whole sunk cost fallacy thing, I wanted to believe that I didn't waste my time being a complete dork.
But after a certain point, I just couldn't run away from it anymore. I told my friends "let's just switch to making a steam game, we haven't lost or earned any money yet." It was an idea that was doable with a steam game, like... all you had to do was just change the monetisation bit to having players spend 5 bucks buying it... on steam... lol. Ah, but my friends were like "no." They won't do it. They wanted to make NFTs, and I couldn't understand for the love of god why you would do that. It was my idea, they had never played a game like that in their lives, I was the only one with any exposure in that regard.
Also, I was the one making the art as well, like... the character sprites. I'd spent so much time drawing those character sprites, their features, etc. I spent some time making some music, and even some background lore that fit in with the other NFT project we were working under. I barely checked their stupid discord things or twitter posts since I was so busy actually drawing and writing stuff. This was a passion project for me, and I was focused on making the game. You have no idea how much I love these types of role-playing games (but I'm not going into detail as to what that is because I'm not so comfortable).
Little did my stupid ass realise that these things were a pyramid scheme, and I was right at the middle or bottom. Little did my naive ass realise that none of these people liked my idea or even cared; people like me doing actual stuff gave them legitimacy, so people like me were just... pawns, I guess. Being the idiot I was, I engaged with my real name and my real identity, because that's what honest people do when they're selling a fucking game they'd be proud of, right? What a mistake. And my friends who knew what this stuff is never stopped me from doing any of it while I naively put my name and reputation at the front. After watching line goes up and then reading more and more sources (and eventually stumbling across Buttcoin on reddit!) I reached the point of no return:
Crypto and blockchain were useless in all possible ways, they never made sense as a technology, they're filled with disgusting people with disgusting anarcho-capitalist ideals, and there will never be a point where the "blockchain" will ever find a use-case beyond grifting, speculating, gambling, and money laundering because that is inherent to this technology's design. It is irredeemable. NFTs were never about empowering artists like us and it could never even do that at all because the premise and technology are flawed to begin with!
That was my realisation over time after actually reading about this from critical sources (which, at the top of the hype, I thought wasn't even really there because I had bought into my programmer friends' narrative that this is just like the internet and "everybody is in.")
I only wish I realised it sooner.
2022 June - July: I vehemently begged my friends to stop. I didn't want to make or sell NFTs anymore after realising what it was. I didn't even want the money (and god knows I could use that money since it could pay off my father's debts, but not like this. Not by hurting other people who may just be in the same position as I am by "winning" or "doing really 'smart' stuff.")
No one listened. I was about to quit, until the NFT organisation we were working under announced a grant. I saw this as an opportunity to put a stop to my own friends making their own NFTs, and I grabbed it. I begged and pleaded them to apply for that grant, which they begrudgingly did. I applied for that grant thing and it got approved, and all my friends were really excited about it. They all agreed to not make NFTs anymore and just make a free-to-play game. We worded the grant that way too.
But it still didn't sit right with me personally. I agonised over it still. Sure, it's grant money now... but how did that bigger NFT organisation get that money? Obviously, by selling NFTs and collecting resale "royalties." I guess it didn't matter to my friends, but to me, that's blood money. None of them were writers or artists, by the way. They were just... tech people. Techbros, I guess.
Anyway, the grant thing works by having people vote for it, and you get as much money as the votes you get. Our idea was good and we actually had a skillset, so we got like a little over four digits, which is big to someone like me, at least!
But it still didn't sit right with me.
I agonised over it all the time, thinking about just how I had soiled and shat on my lifelong passion idea, and how my name was out there associated with these people.
I just couldn't stand it anymore. One day, I told my friends that I was fucking quitting (this was in the middle of the grant voting process, that thing dragged on for about a couple of weeks) if they didn't turn this into a steam game instead. They chose to just let me quit, take the project for themselves, and... uh, take the grant money.
My friends got me on voice call and kinda hounded me, saying "well we understand if you want to quit but damn that sucks, it's a lot of money, man. It's been my dream too to make a game like that ever since my childhood." That last line really struck home because it was something I could empathise with, but then I recognised it as just... them trying to justify making fat stacks lol. They never really felt that way, and I'll tell you why I think that in a bit.
Either way, I quit. I got out. I didn't even take any compensation money. I mean, why would I lie about it here under an anonymous throwaway account anyway? I have nothing to gain from it, not even "karma farming" since I'm throwing this account away lol. Just... I couldn't stand it anymore, man.
2022 July - September: I spent this time distancing from these people and this crowd. I grew depressed. I hadn't lost any money, but I wasted so much time. I was left feeling disillusioned about my friends. To them, I was overreacting, I was being a cunt, I was just being so difficult! I just was standing in their way of "making bread" and "hustling!"
I stopped going out or hanging out with my friends.
I stopped going to that uni society out of shame. They don't know about it but I just can't even see the game the same way anymore. I felt so ashamed.
I never played that game with my usual other friends who I used to play it with a long time back either. They don't know about any of this either, but I was just so ashamed and disgusted. It kind of feels traumatic.
I stopped writing and barely made any music. I picked up a new tablet and learned to draw in a new style, but eventually I stopped that too. I just didn't feel like it anymore.
I got burned out. I barely was able to hand in my assignments. I had stopped going to classes because I just couldn't bother getting out of bed and going out there into actual society again. I felt like I was a disgusting, naive piece of shit that would just stain otherwise normal people.
I spent my days agonising about the day someone found out that I made art for this dumb project, that I was out there passionately talking about this idea like a stupid nerdy dumbfuck, and that I am associated with it even though I quit. One of my other friends who quit with me said he'd provide testimony of my side of things, but that's not really comforting.
I mean, it's a fringe thing anyway, we barely made anything. My friends got the grant, and I spend every single day agonising over it. I mean, it's not direct "profits" from NFTs, but where'd that grant money come from in the first place, huh?
My worst fear was that they'd pocket it and not even make the game. And they did. I guess those other NFTbros really didn't notice it since a few thousand bucks is just spare change to these grifter overlords. Again, I never took any money from it.
I can only thank god that I stopped them from making their own NFTs though, otherwise I really couldn't live with myself.
Every single day, I keep checking my old discord account and twitter like I'm obsessed, out of fear. I honestly don't care if it's just me that gets fucked by association, but I don't want my existence to become a burden to my poor siblings and parents just by being associated with me. I don't want their reputations to go to the shitter. They're hardworking, honest people who don't waste their time on stupid things like I have. They don't deserve that, at least. It should be me that should suffer.
Everyday, I agonise over it.
I couldn't really cry or anything about it, I just felt hollow, I guess. I've lost interest in most of the things I loved. Sometimes I play games, sometimes I scribble for the fucks of it, sometimes I read, sometimes I write in my notebook, but that's it. I had stopped going out, and I hadn't seen anyone for a long while.
2022 September - 2022 November: I bought a rope and a pull-up bar. I continually kept writing in my journal to prepare a good, coherent suicide note instead of, like... writing it all incoherently at the last minute and then peacing out lol. The pull-up bar is because my dorm doesn't really have any places I could hang my rope from, so if I attach the pull-up bar to the door, I could tie the rope onto it and hang.
The other way I thought of doing it was heroin, because apparently it just quietly puts you to sleep; but I'm scared of needles and I don't want to buy anything on the dark web. I've never done hard drugs like that anyway.
I kept procrastinating it. Partly because I had grown too lazy to even learn how to tie a hangman's knot, and partly because I was still afraid. The thing is, I've already been diagnosed with a mental health issue that also causes depression for nearly a decade now. This, though, was the worst I ever felt. The part that sucks the most is that the game idea was a passion project for me. It was something I've always dreamed of doing. It was the sort of games I really, really loved. It was the sort of art I loved making and seeing too. It was the kind of music I had fun composing. The story idea was something from my own long-held ideas that I wanted to bring to life, and now that's in the shitter too.
On some days, I woke up with absolute certainty of what I was going to do: learn to tie that knot, hang it up, and be done with it. I got distracted, and eventually I'd forget and doze off again. I spend most of my time chatting online with some of my friends (via text), which was something I rarely ever did a few years ago. I was more known for rarely responding to texts because I was outside so frequently lol.
I decided to see everyone for one last time before I did it, so I waited to get back to my own home country first. I wanted to just see everyone and sort of hang out with them as an unspoken farewell thing before I did it.
2022 December: I went back home, I hung out with my friends and family, and I was my usual self. I don't think anyone really caught on. We all made plans to go places and do stuff, and we did. It was a nice little time with everyone. I even kind of felt like myself again. I went swimming, went to friends' houses, met up with old friends, etc. I even put up a local art page and dropped some of my writings, music, and art on there.
2023 January: It was almost time to go back, but I went on a vacation to this country with a friend by ourselves. We ate local food at the stalls and just backpacked on a budget. We went hiking and sightseeing. We went to night markets, canoed in a river, and went camping in the woods. I actually finished one of my assignments on a train ride to this city. We did so many things, but I don't want to go off on a tangent. That experience made me forget these feelings for a while. It meant a lot to me, but I'll keep it at that for this subreddit.
2023 Late January - Now: I went back, these feelings returned. I've spiralled back into agonising now, but I'm seeing a therapist and a university counsellor now. It hasn't gotten as bad as it was in September last year, and especially now I feel reluctant to do it because one of them told me "your death doesn't happen to you, it happens to the people around you."
I'm kind of just picking myself up from here, trying to forget this ever happened, and working in other industries I used to work in back then. But I know that as soon as anyone finds out I was associated with any of this, I will get rid of myself. At the very least, my family would be spared then, and I wouldn't be such a burden, no matter what my therapist says.
I'm more or less just empty and neutral now. I haven't really done anything other than just study, go to classes, and do my assignments. My daily activities consist of eating, shitting, pissing, sleeping, and repeat. If someone from 3 years ago saw me now, they'd think I'm an entirely different person.
One day I'll move on, make peace with myself, and forget about it. That's what I hope for, at least. I'm at least thankful that I've been able to stop my friends from actually making NFTs or a crypto coin and actually hurting people. I'm just glad. I don't know or care what they're up to now. I couldn't be arsed anymore.
I saw people share their stories, and I felt like doing that myself too. It turned out longer than I expected, but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging, lol, so I wrote about everything from start to finish. Sorry if that turned out to be way too long. Thanks for taking your time getting this far if you have.
I hope no one else has agonised or will have to agonise the way I have.

Hi Go Wild Friends! In case anyone wants to know about beautiful Costa Rica I went there using my Go Wild pass so I thought I would do a story about what happened in Costa Rica. There aren’t really a lot of travel tips in here, its just the wild shit I got into in Costa Rica. I did another write up with actual tips about South Beach in Miami on a budget here if you want to read that one.
Okay, Costa Rica, so fuckin amazing! I want to fly to all the international places Frontier goes so I decided to do Costa Rica second (Cancun is an easy trip for me in Kansas City, they go nonstop there every weekend). The hardest part about Costa Rica is just getting there, I took a bit of a circuitous route.
I always take a big vacation each year after tax season, its fun for me to turn my phone off and go somewhere off the grid and not even think about work. Last year I went to Argentina and Uruguay and it was wild but honestly, this year was even better! I first wanted to stay with my brother and see my nieces and nephews in Orlando so I booked a one way flight from St. Louis to Orlando for only $19 with my Go Wild pass. I got to take a train from Kansas City to St. Louis, it was only $37 and I loved it actually, something about trains is so fun for me, probably because I took one to Chicago in college and stayed in a homeless shelter, my first real experience solo traveling, I loved it!
I spent the afternoon in St. Louis riding around downtown on those fun scooters and eating chicken wings and walking around the baseball experience place they had, it was a good afternoon. I had a late flight to Orlando but I fucked up the terminal (don't google which terminal is Frontier, its wrong). I went through security and bag check only to find out I was in the wrong terminal so that stunk but I had plenty of time for two security checks so no big deal. The flight was delayed so I didn’t get into Orlando until almost 2am and there was a long line for the rental car. I regret not doing the one you can pick up without talking to an agent so much, it was only like $5 more, do the self check car rental if possible. Orlando was fun, got to see my nieces and nephews and my brother and his wife put a little guest bedroom in the shed, easy to get into at 2am without waking anyone up.
After two days in Orlando it was time for my big flight to Costa Rica! So excited! This flight was only $51 with my Go Wild pass, an absolute steal. It stopped in Atlanta and then I was in Costa Rica in no time. On the plane a bunch of us were excitedly talking about our Go Wild passes, its kind of fun to do the spiderman meme thing and be like, you have a Go Wild pass? Me Too! The ringleader told me there were wild sloths if I went to a place called Manuel Antonio. I said what the fuck did you just say, wild sloths? Oh yes! I literally had no plans for a whole week so I mentally added sloths to the list of things I wanted to see. I have a travel buddy I met in Mexico to visit in San Jose and I wanted to see the volcano and the beaches of course but that was it.
At the airport you will want to get some cash, they have an ATM right there when you walk out. Don’t do the currency exchange, those people were giving really shitty rates. After you get cash walk around outside the airport to the backside, it’s a short walk and that’s where all the city buses come. There are buses to San Jose every 15 minutes, just jump on one of those its only like $1.50 and it goes 25 minutes to downtown. I have a huge aversion to taxis in Latin America, I’ve been ripped off a lot and airports are especially bad.
Once in San Jose you can walk most places, it’s a fun city to walk around. I stayed at the Costa Rica Backpackers hostel which I do not recommend for one big reason. Its so fuckin hot. I didn’t even think about checking for air conditioning, most places have it now. Also, I like hostels and the common areas and the hammocks and I always set up my chess board and play at night with beers. But I really like to have my own room at a hostel. This private room was I think $35 a night which is pretty good but it did not have air conditioning, just a fan recirculating hot air and it was right off the street so yeah, no recommendation for that one, I only stayed one night. That’s the fun thing about how I travel though, no reservations and no plans, if its not great I just go to a different place. I hung out with my travel buddy that night and we smoked a lot of um… cigarettes and went to this place where locals hang out. It was like some fuckin fast and furious movie but with Ticos, guys were just flying around on motorcycles on wheelies. I bought a huge meal for my friend and me, empanadas, a bunch of other Costa Rican food, it was so fuckin good and the whole meal was only $7, ha!
The next morning I set my chess board out at the hostel and I put $10 out on the money clip like I normally do when I travel. It’s a fun way to get people to play, if you beat me you get $10 if I win, nothing. My chess is kind of like a parlor trick too because I play in less than 5 seconds every move so everyone is thinking through it and Im having beers and going quick, usually at a hostel there gets to be a crowd and Im playing four dutch people on warm night in Mexico, so fuckin fun. On this morning a kid came up to play and I was teaching him chess for awhile nervously, I didn’t see his mom anywhere and secondly who brings a kid to a hostel? I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen one. He starts just taking my pieces off the board and then he takes the $10 and says welp I guess I won. I laughed and I said alright then, good job buddy. Just then his mom hobbled over, a Danish hippy with a broken foot. She thanked me for hanging out with him and told me the doctor said not to walk too much but it was hard with a six year old. I said sit down, sit down and I got her breakfast and helped her out. We talked for a bit and I told a funny Mexico story and helped them get their stuff together and she said oh you have to come to our hippy community in Puerto Viejo, you can stay in our shack by the ocean. I said oh that sounds fun today Im going to see a volcano but maybe later. She said they are the most beautiful beaches in Costa Rica, one is entirely black sand. I said Im listening. She said they were poor in a little shack by the rainforest and they have monkeys and sloths in their backyard. I said um what the fuck did you just say? Wild sloths? She said yeah, tons of them. I booked a ticket right away for the 6am bus the next day. I went with my friend to the active volcano and then he dropped me off at my hotel. I booked the Radisson the second night because I really wanted Air Conditioning. Im soft like that, sorry. And it had a hot tub. I’ve never seen that many people in one hot tub, ha. At night I did a Tinder date, I found out all the cabs are pretty much $6 in San Jose so it was easy to get there and back and I went out with a fun lady who told me in Costa Rica they eat chicken wings with gloves, did you guys know that?
I got up at 4:30am and packed up for my 6am bus. At the front desk I asked them if they could call me a cab and they said its an additional $30 US. I was like nah, fuck that, $30? What a ripoff, I’ll just walk, its only 2 miles. So I walk pretty far into downtown San Jose and whoooooooosh, a bottle explodes near me! I go what the fuck and look up, theres a drunk Costa Rican man in a soccer jersey like two blocks away screaming at me in Spanish! I had so many questions, the first of course was who is balling out of control at 5am in the morning? The second was, who the fuck is that Latino Roger Clemens? I could barely see the guy from two streets away and he was (presumably) drunk getting that close to me with a full bottle of beer? The last question of course was who is drunk and throwing FULL bottles of beer? I walked away from his direction and then saw that there was a whole bar full of drunk soccer fans like him and I noped the fuck out and ran to the taxi stand and got a taxi. I said you know what, a taxi isn’t such a bad idea!
I regretted not Googling anything because my phone didn’t work at all in Costa Rica. They said I could buy a sim card but I didn’t want to, I kind of liked being off the grid. But I really wanted to find wild sloths. Maybe the person beside me will help I thought as I stood in line for the 6am bus. Damn, I hope its not someone rapid firing Spanish at me though, my Spanish is not great. Most of my Spanish I’ve learned from the music of Bad Bunny. I was relieved to see my seat in 44 was next to a Japanese man in 45. Oh that’s awesome I thought, he will struggle with Spanish too and we can find wild sloths together. Nope, turns out Im a racist asshole, he was a Japanese Argentinian who spoke perfect Spanish and no English, none. His phone worked too and he was putting all these upside down house letters in Japanese and beautiful beaches were popping up, I really needed his help. I tried to befriend him but they speak a different kind of Spanish in Argentina, cajes instead of calles and so fast, so fuckin fast! His had like a little stall in it before it winded up too, like a UUUUUU mi esposa no esta aqui! His wife was either sleeping back in San Jose or dead, I couldn’t really understand. I noticed he had a bear avatar on his phone so I knew he liked animals so half way through the ride I decided to try to tell him they had sloths there. Hay peresozos en Puerto Viejo I said but he didn’t understand what I was saying. I said peresozos again and put up three fingers mimicking a sloth and then I panicked, I was like shit, what do sloths do? Its an animal famous for not doing anything. I pretended to hang up side down and he is (loudly) guessing animals in Spanish and Im like no, peresozos! Maybe I was saying it wrong but I had no Google so I said es posible tu telefono? And I typed in sloths and all these upside down houses came up and the words Oso Peresozo. And he goes UUUUUU OSO PERESOZO! I don’t know if you’ve ever been on a bus traveling through rural Costa Rica and seen a Japanese Argentinian get excited in Spanish about wild sloths but it is… ADORABLE!
Si SI! Oso Peresozo! I yelled. People are turning around now, they are like why the fuck are the American and Japanese guys back there in 44 and 45 playing charades two hours into a 6am bus ride? I said juntos? (Together) and he said si si! He told me where we could get bikes to rent and what to eat, he was the perfect travel partner! He said Yelp dices Jerk Chicken is the best to eat here. I said thanks Juan, you are my favorite travel partner! We had an amazing day in Puerto Viejo, beautiful beaches, monkeys, wild sloths, God damn that was an amazing day. He even showed me where my hostel was and I dropped off my bag. This hostel was called 456 hostel which I also do not recommend because no AC and there are weird animals running on the roof but I didn’t care, I just wanted to throw down my bag and get back to looking for wild sloths. The lady said we can’t just take your bag you need to check in first, I said listen lady you see that God damn excited Japanese man out there? We got wild sloths to find! I had no desire to spend one second in that hostel but Juan goes “Esta bien, cerveza” and then he had a beer by the ocean while I checked in. I joined him for a beer and it turns out that is a beautiful setting for a hostel. Still don’t recommend though, so fuckin hot.
Juan and I had an amazing day in Puerto Viejo, God damn that place is beautiful. We saw wild sloths, monkeys, and had an amazing time on the beach. I was sad to see him go, what a great travel partner! He pointed to where my hostel was but I said I would ride back into town with him. To be honest, I forgot to write down the name of the bike rental and there was like a hundred in Puerto. I turned my bike in with his to his surprise because we had rented for a full day but I told him I wanted a motorcycle. He used his expert Googling skills to get me to the cheapest motorcycle place. It was only $30 a day for a motorcycle which I thought was very reasonable. And I didn’t have enough cash on me and they didn’t take cards so the rental guy just said no worries man, take de bike to the ATM. That was pretty trusting! I came back with the money and got the bike and I can’t tell you guys the drugs part because the mods said no talking about drugs.
That was such a fast motorcycle. I turned my Bluetooth speaker up all the way and floored it and zoomed down the coast in time for the sunset, so God damn beautiful! Something about that warm Costa Rican sun on your shoulders and the sound of Khalid and the smell of salt in the air riding along the beautiful ocean, it will change your life. After the sunset I went to Cat’s house and her beautiful German friend Alina was there. There were three kids too and as soon as I got there they went riffling through my bag looking for candy. I had two caramels but was one short so I gave the little kid my chips. This was her sad face for not getting candy!
Cat was hobbling around on crutches so Alina and I said sit down we will take care of dinner. I went to the store down the street and got so much stuff for that poor family- toilet paper, rice, peppers and Barbies for the kids and a soccer ball for Marcello. Gringo santa claus when I came back, both the ladies cried, Alina said her girls had never had a Barbie doll. Alina and I cranked up the music in that little hippy house by the ocean and made dinner and drank wine and laughed while the kids played with their new toys and Cat relaxed and finished her remote work. We ate the food and drank the wine and smoked…cigarettes and had an amazing night. Alina asked if I wanted to share the Tuk Tuk and I said yes. She said it in kind of a mischievous way so I thought maybe she wanted to make out. And she was very beautiful so I said yes. We got in the Tuk Tuk and rode back towards town passing my hostel, she winked and said your hostel was back there you know and then put her hand on my arm.
I thought Cat was poor but Alina was super poor. She told the tuk tuk driver to turn left by the trash dump and we pulled up to an even tinier house right next to the rainforest. She said wait out here and I’ll put the kids to bed. So I waited on the porch. The kitchen was actually outside, a little refrigerator and a little stove and a sink. I sat in the chairs and she came out and we smoke a um cigarette together and then she said wait here. I was like fuck, wait her for what? Is she going to rob me or something but she didn’t seem scary, she seemed sweet. She came back out with a big giant mattress and threw it on the porch floor. Then she took off her shirt and said in her German accent, “Un now we share our bodies.” I thought that was a pretty sexy thing to say so I took off my shirt too and joined her except I didn’t want to have unprotected sex with a hippy so we just made out.
Sometime after she slipped back inside so I was alone on the mattress on the backporch by the rainforest. I thought that was a pretty good place to spend my first night in Puerto Viejo and I looked up and saw a hundred million stars lighting up the sky and fell asleep. But not too many hours later, God damn I awoke to a caucophony of jungle sounds! So many monkeys, just fuckin howling. And there were these weird rat things running around, they weren’t small at all, if you’ve ever seen the Princess Bride fucking ROS. (Rodents of Unusual Size). I honestly thought the monkeys were coming on the porch, that’s how loud they were.
I jumped up and leaned the mattress against the house and started walking, past the trash dump and out to the ocean. The first beach I came across was the black beach, it was amazing and I sat there until the sun came up. I had no watch or anything and my phone was dead so I walked for a long ways until I found a Tuk Tuk driver who took me to Cats. I got my motorcycle and went back to the hostel but when I charged my phone I found it was only 6am so I went back to sleep. But the hostel had no AC and there were some fuckin animals on the roof right over my head so I couldn’t sleep much. I went to the beach and found more wild monkeys and then sent Cat a WhatsApp message to see if she needed my help since she had the broken foot and Marcello was home, it was some kind of Costa Rican holiday.
She said sure come over and so I drove my motorcycle back down the coast and went back to the store and got more supplies and cooked them a big lunch. I had asked before if they eat meat because some hippies don’t and she said sure but its expensive here I don’t know if you want to buy it. It was $4 ha, I got some ham and rice and peppers and made a huge lunch and drank some beers and cooked while Cat did her remote work. She took a picture and I asked if she mind taking a short video of me cooking. IT wasn’t for social media or friends or anything, that video was for me so I could remember when I could be happy. A trip to Costa Rica for only $51 with my Go Wild pass and I got to be by the ocean and I met new friends and I was actually helping someone, I realized that day that’s what made me the most happy, that’s why I wanted the video.
After lunch I cleaned up and then Marcello and I played some chess. She asked if I minded watching Marcello while she ran to town with a client and I said sure, no problem. I was wrong, it was a huge fuckin problem! She said she would be back in an hour and then we could go to the hippy get-together on the beach. She was NOT back in an hour and I fuckin panicked. I didn’t know this lady’s last name, I didn’t know Marcello really, I called Cat and she didn’t answer and I tried texting her, nothing. I thought fuck, she must have abandoned me with this kid. And I don’t know how to get ahold of the authorities and it was a holiday, this shit was basically the plot to the Adam Sandler movie Big Daddy. I started pounding beers because I was so nervous. I asked Marcello if he knew Alina’s number and this little dude said, and I quote, “Who’s Alina?” What the fuck? I said buddy, the lady that was here last night with the kids? He said he didn’t know them very much. Oh my God I thought, I’ve definitely been saddled with a kid. But then I was thinking, you know what, I could raise this kid, wouldn’t be that bad, live in this $400 a month house by the ocean, sounds good. But I have my own kids back home in Kansas City and that made me panic even more, now Im fuckin slammin beers so worried. Every car that goes down this little side road Im like oh please be Cat. Now this kid is starting to yell at me to come back out in Norwegian, I don’t know Norwegian and he wants me to read him books, which are also in Norwegian, Im full panicky at this time.
Finally Cat came back I said Cat, I wasn’t comfortable with that, I don’t even know your last name or anything. She goes, why, whats wrong? And goes running in to see Marcello, I said oh no, he’s fine, nothing happened its just that I thought you left and weren’t coming back. She said why would I leave my kid I love him more than anything in the world. I said I know, okay, its just that I was panicking. She said calm down, all good, lets go to the hippy fire circle. I was not going to go, I was going to get the fuck out but I really wanted to go to the fire circle, I was hoping they would let me spin the fire. So we went to the fire circle, Marcello and Cat with the client and me following behind on the motorcycle. We relaxed on the blanket and then up came beautiful Alina looking like a million bucks in the sun tucking her brown hair behind her ears. She got on the blanket with us close to me and I retold the story about how I thought Cat abandoned her kid with me and we all laughed and smoked again and had beers and then watched the sun go down. I didn’t know Marcello didn’t know how to swim so I showed him how to swim a bit, a little lesson in front of the beautiful sunset. After the sun went down it was time for the fire circle and the main guy said brother, thank you for helping Cat, you are in our circle now, whats ours is yours. I said oh man thank you so much can I do the fire spinning? And he said that you can not do. Damn.
So I watched the others spin it jealously and then I got us some appetizer snacks from the restaurant. After the fire circle and the singing and everything we decided to have a picnic at the black beach. They went to the store to get the food and I went to go get my motorcycle. When I got back I guess Alina had stolen something from the store because the workers were all around her and the police were coming. It was equally sad and scary. They took everything she bought away and Cat said its okay she had enough so we all walked to the black sand beach and I gave Alina a hard time for being a thief until we all were laughing. We had a great night by the ocean and then they both got Tuk Tuks and I got on my motorcycle and drove back to the hot hostel and fell asleep and I never saw those hippies again. The end.