I am building an enclosure for my buddy Reptar that will be his forever home. 4 feet deep, 8 feet long, 7 feet tall(that’s the height of my ceiling, wanted to do 8).
My wife is incredibly artistic and wants to paint or draw a mural on the inside of the enclosure.
What are the best non toxic materials, if any, to do so with?

Hey guys, I've been lurking around the subreddit for quite a while and noticed that a considerable amount of requests in the sub revolve around furnishing an open floor plan.
So, I've decided to share some of my insights as an architectural designer and hopefully help people design their rooms.
Anyways, in architecture and interior design, open floor plans can kind of be a hit or a miss depending on the circumstances. If the design was successful and implemented properly, the outcome is a room with a seamless flow, spacious, and refreshing. However, if not properly designed it can seem cold, empty, and lacks a certain "oomph."
So, enough with the idle talk, and let's get into it.
How do you furnish or design a room with an open floor plan?

The Only Principle You Need To Remember

Does your room feel empty? Cold? Uninteresting?
Maybe, it's because you haven't implemented this principle or method in setting up your room.
It's to segment the space into different zones. This idea can be applied to different scales of design from room design even up to the urban scale!
But for room design, especially in an open floor plan, the key to making it feel cozy and more put together is to segment and define different zones in the room.
For example, the kitchen should be distinctly separated from the dining area, the dining area should be separated from the living room, and so on and so forth.
Well, you might be thinking that it's easier said than done so here are some of the different ways you can do to segment and define different zones in the room.

Define Zones with Rugs

If you've been around this sub and other room design subreddits, one of the most common pieces of advice you'll see when asking for suggestions is to place a rug in the room!
As cliche as it sounds, it's often recommended because it's something that works and requires minimal resources.
It's a relatively effective method to visually define zones by using rugs. Large area rugs can act as anchors, providing a visual boundary for specific areas. Choose rugs that complement the overall style and color scheme of the space, ensuring they are appropriately sized to cover the desired zone.

Furniture as Zone-makers

Another cost-effective method of segmenting the space is to use the furniture themselves as things that divide the room.
Strategically arranging furniture pieces can effectively segment the open floor plan, creating separate areas for various activities. Consider using furniture such as bookshelves, sofas, or buffets as dividers. These functional and stylish elements help to define zones while maintaining an open and cohesive feel.

Focal Points for Each Zone

Now, your room is already segmented and it already looks a lot better. But there's still something you can do to take your room's design to the next level.
And that's to place focal points for each zone in the room.
A focal point can be a fireplace, an eye-catching piece of artwork, or a statement furniture item. By strategically placing these elements, you draw attention and create a natural distinction between different areas, contributing to the overall flow and harmony of the space.

Chandeliers and Pendant Lights

If you have extra time and the technical know-how in installing chandeliers or pendant lights, these are good ways to fully zone a space (they can kinda fulfill the visual functions of a rug and a focal point).
Using chandeliers or pendant lights strategically can help define zones and set the mood within your space. The right fixture draws attention, creating a focal point and visual separation.
Not only do these lighting choices provide illumination, but they also contribute to the overall balance and harmony of the room.

Conclusion

Furnishing an open floor plan requires thoughtful consideration and a clear understanding of how to effectively segment the space while maintaining a sense of unity. By employing techniques such as rug placement, furniture arrangement, lighting choices, and the use of focal points, you can achieve seamless style and functionality in your open floor plan.
Embrace the versatility of this design concept, and let your creativity shine as you transform your living space into a cohesive, inviting, and stylish home.
​
P.S. This write-up is a summary of an article I've written on Medium.com. In that article, I went deeper into each method, please read it if you want to learn more.
P.S.S. Not sure how your room would turn up? I can help you with my architectural visualization service. Just send me a message.

Here’s what I look like: (https://imgur.com/a/QWQaZE3) I’m pretty tall (6’3”) with a lean build, but I’m starting to put on some mass.
I’m a central Long Islander who’s just looking for good vibes with someone down-to-Earth, and hopefully also located on Long Island. Someone I could share memes and watch movies with. Someone I could talk to for hours into the night and share music and memes with. Weebs and gamers are especially welcome. If you’re on the awkward or introverted side, it’s far more likely to endear you to me than turn me away. I deal with demanding people and responsibilities being dumped on me at home AND at work, and nothing would make me happier than to meet someone I can let my guard down and decompress and geek out with.
I got promoted to project manager at the testing lab I work at about a month ago, and have been working long hours to acquaint myself with the position and get comfortable. In addition, I teach weekly ESL classes to Spanish and Haitian Creole-speaking locals. I’ve had to financially support my mom (long story short: my father is a complete non-factor in my life) and manage our home for the past few years, which has locked me into “workaholic” mode. With the promotion/raise, Mom’s health improving, and less need to work long shifts now that I’ve got my shit together though, it looks like I may be free to start relaxing and enjoying myself. Free to “live” a little, so to speak. My ultimate goal, career-wise, is to break into financial or managerial accounting, but hopefully not be married to my work and have time to take things easy and enjoy the little things in life between work.
Just about anyone who knows me would describe me as calm, collected, blunt, and generally on top of things. I don’t mince words when I see that something is wrong, and I like to see issues resolved or at least communicated as quickly and thoroughly as possible. I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that a lot of people seem to find hilarious. For anyone who cares (I personally don’t), I’m a Libra and apparently an extreme ISTJ. (A buddy made me take a test) Outside of my work and personal responsibilities, though, I tend to be pretty relaxed and unconcerned about most things. A lot of stuff just isn’t worth losing sleep over, you know? That aside, I tend to appreciate the more quiet and simple things in life, so I tend not to get along with loud or materialistic people, or people who always need drama and noise in their lives.
Just a few things I like to indulge in, when I can:
- Going out for excursions and exploring Long Island (lately I’ve been interested in exploring new parks and restaurants)
- Learning about animals and watching animal/pet videos
- Reading/Literature (I’m on a hunt for rustic, realistic/historical fiction kind of novels like Pearl S. Buck’s “House of Earth” trilogy or more psychedelic or dark works like Haruki Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore or Ozamu Dazai’s No Longer Human.)
- Documentaries about history, social phenomena, true crime, and nature
- Studying foreign languages (I know 4) as well as learning about foreign countries’ history, culture, and recent/current goings-on
- Anime and manga. Thoroughly familiar with Naruto (not Boruto, though), Dragon Ball Z, Fullmetal Alchemist, One Punch Man, My Hero Academia, and Attack on Titan, but now I’m more interested in more experimental, dark, and lesser-known/standalone works like Samurai Champloo or Texhnolyze or Mushishi. My most recent readthrough was Holyland.
- Gaming, although I’m as casual as it gets. I only have a Switch at the moment, and mostly play Smash, Saint’s Row, Animal Crossing, Sifu,and Street Fighter, although I’m getting more and more interested in fighting games by the day. I’m hoping to get a PS4 sometime in the future. Also currently replaying Pokemon HeartGold and Black 2, so Pokemon nerds, feel free to hit me up!
- Putting together folders of cool images, backgrounds, aesthetics, and scenery.
- Listening to music and putting together playlists. I’m super into metal, alternative, bossa… Anything on the mellower side, I guess, although I’ll listen to just about anything besides country. Tell me all about your favorite artists.

Here’s what I look like: (https://imgur.com/a/QWQaZE3) I’m pretty tall (6’3”) with a lean build, but I’m starting to put on some mass.
I’m a central Long Islander who’s just looking for good vibes with someone down-to-Earth, and hopefully also located on Long Island. Someone I could share memes and watch movies with. Someone I could talk to for hours into the night and share music and memes with. Weebs and gamers are especially welcome. If you’re on the awkward or introverted side, it’s far more likely to endear you to me than turn me away. I deal with demanding people and responsibilities being dumped on me at home AND at work, and nothing would make me happier than to meet someone I can let my guard down and decompress and geek out with.
I got promoted to project manager at the testing lab I work at about a month ago, and have been working long hours to acquaint myself with the position and get comfortable. In addition, I teach weekly ESL classes to Spanish and Haitian Creole-speaking locals. I’ve had to financially support my mom (long story short: my father is a complete non-factor in my life) and manage our home for the past few years, which has locked me into “workaholic” mode. With the promotion/raise, Mom’s health improving, and less need to work long shifts now that I’ve got my shit together though, it looks like I may be free to start relaxing and enjoying myself. Free to “live” a little, so to speak. My ultimate goal, career-wise, is to break into financial or managerial accounting, but hopefully not be married to my work and have time to take things easy and enjoy the little things in life between work.
Just about anyone who knows me would describe me as calm, collected, blunt, and generally on top of things. I don’t mince words when I see that something is wrong, and I like to see issues resolved or at least communicated as quickly and thoroughly as possible. I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that a lot of people seem to find hilarious. For anyone who cares (I personally don’t), I’m a Libra and apparently an extreme ISTJ. (A buddy made me take a test) Outside of my work and personal responsibilities, though, I tend to be pretty relaxed and unconcerned about most things. A lot of stuff just isn’t worth losing sleep over, you know? That aside, I tend to appreciate the more quiet and simple things in life, so I tend not to get along with loud or materialistic people, or people who always need drama and noise in their lives.
Just a few things I like to indulge in, when I can:
- Going out for excursions and exploring Long Island (lately I’ve been interested in exploring new parks and restaurants)
- Learning about animals and watching animal/pet videos
- Reading/Literature (I’m on a hunt for rustic, realistic/historical fiction kind of novels like Pearl S. Buck’s “House of Earth” trilogy or more psychedelic or dark works like Haruki Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore or Ozamu Dazai’s No Longer Human.)
- Documentaries about history, social phenomena, true crime, and nature
- Studying foreign languages (I know 4) as well as learning about foreign countries’ history, culture, and recent/current goings-on
- Anime and manga. Thoroughly familiar with Naruto (not Boruto, though), Dragon Ball Z, Fullmetal Alchemist, One Punch Man, My Hero Academia, and Attack on Titan, but now I’m more interested in more experimental, dark, and lesser-known/standalone works like Samurai Champloo or Texhnolyze or Mushishi. My most recent readthrough was Holyland.
- Gaming, although I’m as casual as it gets. I only have a Switch at the moment, and mostly play Smash, Saint’s Row, Animal Crossing, Sifu,and Street Fighter, although I’m getting more and more interested in fighting games by the day. I’m hoping to get a PS4 sometime in the future. Also currently replaying Pokemon HeartGold and Black 2, so Pokemon nerds, feel free to hit me up!
- Putting together folders of cool images, backgrounds, aesthetics, and scenery.
- Listening to music and putting together playlists. I’m super into metal, alternative, bossa… Anything on the mellower side, I guess, although I’ll listen to just about anything besides country. Tell me all about your favorite artists.

I (19m) have been friends with my buddy (19m) for 19 years. We were born just a month apart and lived next door to each other. I moved away at 4 but we were able to keep in touch through our parents. When we both got phones at around 13-14 we started to communicate to each a lot more and played video games together nearly everyday. Our relationship has been good and I’ve even made the 3 hour trip from Wisconsin to Indiana to see him a few times over the years.
Recently, we haven’t been talking as much, I didn’t really think of it. We’re both graduating high school and he doesn’t quite know what he’s doing yet and it’s quite stressful for any senior. We actually had the idea to have our grad party together. A few weeks ago I reached out to ask him about it and got no response. Again, it happens sometimes, so about a week ago I reached out again. Again, nothing. So I read of texting him on Snapchat I texted him on IMessage and Instagram. Despite him being “active” on both platforms, no response. I messaged him asking if everything was ok and if I did anything wrong to no avail. So finally, I told him it was my last attempt reaching out and again asked if he wanted to talk about it and how friendships need effort to stay strong. Again, nothing.
After being ignored, I reached out to his GF to see if she had any insight. To my surprise, she replied “I don’t think he wants to be your friend anymore.” Of course I asked why, she then said “he’s doesn’t like the way you make fun of him and try to embarrass him.”
First off I want to say that those feeling are completely valid. I can understand not wanting to be made fun of. Like I said we live in different states so have developed different friend groups. Where I live we just poke fun at each other all the time, that’s just how we are. So when I talk to him I just imagine it’s like talking to my friends at home. He had never said anything to me about not liking the way I treated him so I just assumed that his friend group must be similar to mine. So I kept talking to him the way I do with all my friends. I never say things that are very deep. Mostly surface level things like “you’re stupid” “you’re a fatass” stupid things that are rude, but again, things that I don’t view as serious because it’s the way me and my friends talk.
I’ve struggled with this for a few days and want to know, do I deserve to be ignored and should I just accept that I’m the asshole?
EDIT: I saw some comments saying I should apologize, and I have. I sent a few text asking what I did wrong and what I can do better and apologizing, however he haven’t read any of my messages for the last few weeks so I don’t think he’s seen it.

I hit the husband jackpot. He’s loving and encouraging, works hard to support his family (both monetarily and emotionally) and pulls his weight at home. He’s attractive and funny and one of those people others gravitate to. We had a rough couple of years after our daughter was born because I plummeted into depression. There were a couple of close calls to it ending but we stuck together and I’m in a much better place and our marriage has greatly improved.
However. This weekend he made a couple of comments that were kinda offhand but really, really bothered me.
Im not very girly when it comes to my interests, one in particular being that I restored a classic car and after it sitting since my pregnancy I’ve had to work on it lately. My husband is not into “typical” masculine things like cars and bikes and I never cared, I didn’t think he did either. I always got the impression that he was proud of my mechanical abilities and that his wife built a car in her younger years.
I should mention here my husband is a bit of an attention whore. He likes being noticed and the life of the party. He saw the attention my car got and was excited to finally get it on the road and drive it. He quickly realized that the attention this car brings is overwhelming and no longer enjoys it.
I was driving it to an event of his this weekend and he casually mentioned I should leave early so I don’t get bombarded by attention. And later that night he made a comment about him feeling emasculated because he doesn’t know or understand anything that I’ve done with the car so when his buddies ask questions he can’t answer them.
And for the first time I am so incredibly turned off by him, I don’t even want him around. I did tell him those comments upset me and at first he tried to say he never said them then said it was only a joke and when I stood firm that it was bullshit he apologized and said he really didn’t mean it like that because he is proud of my abilities.
And I guess maybe I’m just venting but I’m also wondering if I’m being reasonable. He never gave me the impression before that I made him feel emasculated so do I take one comment as being the truth? How do I get past this feeling?

have a question. I have been training for 4 years, I'm currently a blue belt with 3 stripes and after receiving my first stripes, I began to think about how weird the belt system is because I have buddies in the gym with 4 stripes that I can dominate, and I have people with 0 stripes who give me a ton of problems and some even beat me.
Yesterday my buddy got promoted to purple belt and I was proud for him but on the drive home I was thinking wtf because I dominate the guy and yet he out ranks me. He got promoted due to having way more time on the mat compared to me.
What do yall think, should people be promoted based more on skill or on time?

I'm currently on the lookout for a furnished 1BHK in Dubai. I've recently moved here for work and am hoping to find a place that feels like home. Ideally, I would love to have some specific amenities included. Here are the main points I'm hoping for in my search:

• Fully Furnished
• Nice Gym Facilities
• Walking Area Nearby
• Proximity to a Mall
• My budget ranges from 70,000 to 90,000 AED per year

In essence, I am looking for a place that can offer a comfortable lifestyle and some good amenities. If any of you know any places that meet these criteria or any realtors who can help me in my search, please let me know.
Also, it would be wonderful if you could share your experiences and give me a few tips about the neighborhoods that might suit my needs. Thanks in advance for your help!

So I've not talked about this online or to my family although my husband knows about it and while I love him his solution of, "That's an asshole, you should disregard it" is absolutely what I should do I'm finding that I can't, I even dream about it now ffs, my brain will not disengage, and it's affecting my eating but not in the way I would expect although I've always had issues in the link between my emotional state and how I handle food.
We are going to a baseball game in two weeks. I'm stressing about how to dress, want to just wear a sack from head to foot. I'm also struggling not to quit eating, call it a fast, and see how much I can lose in two weeks. I recognize that this is not healthy, it's why I'm sharing. I'm grateful for everyone's input.
We went to a stadium event. I had a cute fitted top from Old Navy with sleeves that perfectly covered my upper arms which is my insecurity. I had on my jeans with the huge bellbottoms and my tennies. I had shapewear on under my jeans to smooth out the loose skin. I put my hair up in a chignon, wore my big beaded statement earrings, and had one curled lock hanging over my face on one side.
I thought I looked so cute and my husband loved it.
At the end of the event a group of drunken men, I'd say either seniors in HS or early college, walked past me and just as they were going by one looked at me and said to his buddy, "You're going home with HER!" His joke fell flat, his friends wouldn't look at me, and they moved on.
That's all it was.
Just typing it out I get anxious and start crying. I've worked so damn hard, just so hard, to come out of my shell and be in the world and it's everything I can do to not just bury myself in the house again.
I KNOW it's just some drunk asshole but it's affected me so profoundly, brought up every fear I ever had about being in public and there's that voice in my head that says: "See! You see what happens? You see what you get when you dress cute? INAPPROPRIATE. You should dress like the old hag you are, what's wrong with you?"
Then I can't eat. I can't even look at food. I've been doing this for 4 years, almost 5. I'm so tired. I'm so over the constant struggle. I just want to be done and if I can't be done then I just want to give up.

MY PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
INTRODUCTION
Hello there! My name is Siddharth Rai and I live in India. I am a twenty-six years old male and I live with my parents. I work at the nearby airport as an electrical engineer. I have a younger sister who is studying zoology in a college nearby and she lives away from us due to her college. My writing style might not be appealing but I would be happy if you read and reviewed my article. It will help me get new interesting things to you. I hope you enjoy reading this.
I have always wanted to write a book. I like to write poems, I like music, I like art and I like to travel. I have never travelled out of my country except to Nepal. Nepal is quite nearby to where I live. I live in the eastern India, Darjeeling. Some of you might have heard or visited the place before. I live in the foothills though- Siliguri but the district is Darjeeling. I have spent around thirteen years of my life in Darjeeling. I miss those golden days that I have spent with my family and friends in Darjeeling. Those days will never come back again. It is a beautiful pain. All the crazy things that we do as teenagers, I did it in Darjeeling- fighting, having girlfriends, forming a band, roaming around the streets- everything. Some of the people I met on the streets are now superstars and some homeless vagabonds. Some are married and some committed suicide because they couldn’t love. I am just a regular guy like you. I think I am below average when it comes to money, prestige, personality and many other things that define us- a lifestyle.
The reason I thought about writing this article is because I want to become a better person as I am approaching towards my thirties. I have heard somewhere that writing makes it easier and effective to do something that we want to do. I hope this article will help you in some way or the other. I will share some of the deepest things that I feel. I will talk about my past. I will let you know about my present and I will also try to show you the future that I have visioned for myself. I will be talking about my personality development.
PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
We have often heard about the word personality. We have often heard about one getting complimented for their personalities and sometimes people finding their personalities not matching with others, mostly to their partners. It’s interesting to see us being conscious about so many things in our lives. Our beauty, physique, clothes, status in the society, possessions, partners and other small things like our fear of facing people, inferiority, pride, love, attachment. Well personality is a sphere where all of the conscious things are confined into.
It is the way we react to the factors that make us feel something- good or bad. Feeling good includes many things- paragliding, completing a trek, listening to classical music, releasing a music video. Feeling bad might feel like thinking about the moment that hurts you- could be anything, you know better.
How are you going to react to the situations-now and then? That defines your personality. If you ask the instructor for your money back after a paragliding session because you couldn’t fly for another ten minutes because of the weather then you need to work on some parts of your life and if you left your girl with the man and her friends just because you missed the party the previous night then you need to work on some part of your life- you might be using your head too much. I am worried about how I am going to handle a relationship in the future because I’ve messed up my previous ones- I need to work on some part of my life. My personality is not balanced.
Personality is a gift- a box of chocolates- it’s tasty but harmful if eaten too much.
I want to forget about my past, but I can’t because I have hurt some of the best people of my life like my parents, family, friends, teachers, girlfriend and even a dog- damn! I wonder if she is alive- Dalli the dog. My friend’s dog. She gave birth to two little puppies. One is with us-a mother now- Lily. Lily makes me happy. She is wonderful. The only reason why I was facing the hardest time of my life was because I didn’t have any purpose in life. I wasn’t fulfilling my duty-studying. I would get high the entire day, miss my classes and sleep after a masturbation session. Food and shelter were available for me as my parents paid for it. They would send money every month and I would eat, get high, sleep- repeat. I did this for two years and my girlfriend was gone, I had failed in my semesters like a dead toad, I was financially depressed, I had lost weight, I was now a little jerk. I wasn’t happy. I never wanted to kill myself though. I wasn’t raised that way. My father was in the army, and you know how it is in the military family- respect and discipline but I packed my bags and returned back home during my third year and a year of my college was still left behind.
When I went back home, I couldn’t find my peace because my aunt was living with my mother with her little daughter- my sister. When I went there to live with my mother there were four ladies and me- one man. I had habits and it was difficult for me to maintain them. The rooms were small, and everything was audible. I had a habit of masturbating before sleep. And my aunt would sleep in the room right next to mine. I sometimes wanted to screw her up, but I knew it was not a moral decision. I wanted to seduce her just to masturbate but I couldn’t because I didn’t know how to. And interestingly I was a virgin until twenty-five years old. That was one of the reasons why my relationship didn’t work out with that girl because I couldn’t fuck. I mean she would say after marriage, but she would also get naked and get missionary, but I was facing mild erectile dysfunction because of heavy marijuana dosage, porn and excessive masturbation. So, maybe that didn’t work out. I left my mother’s comfort and came back to college to complete my education and I did but a year later. My psycho friend had passed his college and I was left behind with another friend of mine- loser no.2. I think he still is a virgin. But I am not. Not anymore!
My friends and I none of us got placed. We were jobless and there was corona virus and lockdown. It was good time for assholes like me to waste life away. I would spend my day by playing pubg with my friends, watching porn and masturbating. My good time had begun. I was lucky enough to have faced an interview with the army for army engineering and not lucky enough for selection but reaching that spot where I was trying to compete to become an officer in the army. I was lucky enough to have got the chance to spend my time peacefully with my mother and my sister. My aunt had gone back home- her child had a vacation now- due corona and all.
One of my cousins are the in army. He was home for a break, and he motivated me to jog in the morning. I ran for two or three months but quit. But my mind was now looking for motivation to stay fit. One day I was watching porn and masturbation. Right after ejaculation I decided to stop watching porn and masturbating. Oh! Good days! I felt so good that day when I didn’t masturbate. I felt clean and guilt free. I was free now. I would miss my ex though. Her smile, her sadness, the burden she had due to me, the heavy heart that she had because she never wanted to leave me. I hope she is free and happy. I wish her the best and ask for forgiveness for every little thing that I did to her. I never wanted to make you cry but I am sorry. I have realized my mistakes now and I want to see you with a smiling face one day. I have moved on, but I am around, and I hope you too. Take care.
My friends have hurt me too and I have hurt them too. My family has hurt me, and I have hurt them too. People change but you don’t. Things always happen to you. Girlfriend, friends, family, money and etc.
But thank God I have a job now and I am earning a little every month. It’s just enough for me to sustain a month. I hope I’ll be out there in the wild world once I have a little experience about work culture.
FOCUS
If I could move a mountain, I would try to carry it around on my shoulders. A child, a teenager, an adult, a man, a woman, old, new no matter who, everyone is trying to find something in their lives- focus. If they lose focus, they will never be able to talk. Try not thinking anything and talking- you will notice how your brain coordinates your speech. We don’t care what we talk about because we are focused on something- conveying our message. It’s important to learn how to improve your focus. Thus, in order to improve your focus let’s try:

1. Meditating: Five to fifteen minutes a day- om meditation or guided meditation. Connect yourself with the inner spirit. Find out how heavy your chest is and how clouded your mind is. You are supposed to be as light the air and as clean as the water in the spring. Your mind should contain natural sceneries and not porn.
   
2. Exercising: Your body is a masterpiece of art. A godly creation. The entire human civilization is based on bodies. The entire art and history show how great leaders and warriors and scholars looked like. They had extremely appealing bodies, no matter what nation they belonged to. Romans, Greeks, British, Chinese, Japanese, Indians, Gorkhas, Sikhs, Mughals, and Americans, all of them have an interesting thing to notice- their bodies. Fast and furious to giants and strong. They all are focused. Some ruling the nations, some fighting wars, some creating art, some politics and some philosophies. They have a balance between their and heart and their brain. Have you ever done a chin up? Next time you do try to notice how your heart gets connected to your brain like a hook linking a loop. So, dear friends- exercise.
   
3. Study: I study engineering because I want to reach a better position in my career. You can study to be happy or flourish your business. But study something- learn.
   
4. Work: Work. Move your body, use your head. Work. Let your body know about discomfort and tiredness. In these modern times we have found new ways to earn our livelihoods- investment especially. If you are not a broker who works, his heart out to analyze and make profit and you are the one who makes money and live luxurious life out of the money your broker made for you then you should at least spend some time trying to make money the hard way- at least a day. I know you have been through a lot, and you have finally found your financial peace or you were born rich, but I must tell you he is not a man who doesn’t work. You can try house chores if nothing is coming to your mind. So, work just to get yourself in motion.
   
5. Hobbies: I play dota2 and I want to play the internationals. I sing karaoke. Do what gets you excited to get back home.
   
6. Read: Read books. I want to learn finance, health, relationship, science and engineering. You can read them too. Reading is something that makes time for your brain to rest for some time. It will settle down some of your chemical imbalances there.
   
7. Write: Write your deepest feelings, write a short story, write essays. Write. You can’t always be verbally sharing things with others. Some things might have been missed and some left unsaid like the ones in the previous paragraphs. It’s just a good thing to do-write.
   

My friends I don’t practice all of the above-mentioned tasks, but I always try to. It took me two years to settle down to a routine that I can follow to simplify my day and trust me the day is easier with a disciplined routine. I wake at around 6 in the morning and I go to the gym. It has been only two weeks since I joined the gym. I come home and make breakfast, eat it and go to work. My mom and my dad help me with my lunch. They are paying for my petrol and miscellaneous and after a week I will be getting my first salary. Well, I can’t tell everything here. So, basically my life is a mess. I am trying to make it a better one, but I am not sure about it. I have lost so many times. You know!
But I don’t want to lose anymore. I want to get that two years of experience even if I have to live like a baby with my parents. I will get my body in shape, get my interests aligned and skills sharpened. I will get familiar with my subject, and I am sure a day will come when I receive a salary way more than today.
INTEREST
If you can’t quit, then it means you are inspired. Inspiration and motivation are two different things. You can’t inspire someone verbally, but you can motivate them. Inspiration is long lasting, and motivation is short term. Motivation is like fuel to your inspiration. You will understand it. Just try to do something that you are interested in for three months. That’s a goal.
I am interested in many things. Interest as I say please refer to skills- just to make it easier for you to understand the difference between hobbies and interests. My interests are in programming, designing electrical circuits, photography and content writing. These are skills that I want to acquire, and I am “interested in”. My interest can’t be lifelong because I have distractions around. So, with a small technique I can learn these skills without losing my interest. The technique is numbering. Just put make a list of things that you want to learn. It will help you not lose your interest.
How to keep your interest alive?
You can try writing them down on a diary. Make a list of your interest. Interests are those skills that can make you famous, rich and happy like painting, programming etc. Show your interests to the world on social platforms to gain fame, sell them or get a job to get rich and master your skills to be happy. Have some interest friends.
Basically, if you have a good body, wealth, character, behaviors, manner, education, then you will have a personality that is safe and sound. People below your level will not mess with you and you won’t mess with people that are above you. But you will become someone who can deal with both the types because it’s not every day you get to meet and talk to the president and it’s seldom you need to avoid people that can harm you- rich and the poor.
Thank you for sticking to this post for such a long time. I feel humble enough to present this article to you. I would like to apologize if anybody was offended in this post. I can’t think more than this my friends. I would appreciate it if you left your valuable comments on this. Thanks, and may God bless you.
SUMMARY
I am qualified enough to talk about personal developments with you all but the reckless years that I have been through can tell how much I needed it and how deeply I longed for it. I had no one to lift me up. Everyone is selfish in this world. The principles in your life will clash with your ego and get you down on your knees. Your mind will become your master because you no longer have a master’s personality inside of you. And that is when you start to crave for love, sympathy, care and you start to do stupid things to gather attention because nobody wants you anymore. Your girlfriend will tell you how low you have come down in your life, you can clearly read it in her eyes that she no longer needs you and she no longer wants to be with you. You father will start becoming caring towards you because he is depressed because of you. Your mother will scream at you, cry in front of you, curse you. Your sister will probably start avoiding you and hating you because you are an alcoholic now with no strength and future. Your friends will leave you alone because they know you need time and you no longer fit the group. Your life is a mess that only you can clear.
Straight up! Accept that you lost, accept that you need help, accept that you are hurt and accept life is amazing while improving. Go quit weed, go hit the gym, go quit drinking alcohol, go quit porn, go get a job, go study, go learn, go do it! You know your worth. Forgive yourself because you know you did it for others and it drained your energy away. Now it’s time to take care of yourself. You are not being selfish, but you need to refill. Make new friends. Cut some of your old buddies that you thought were useless. Get in touch with people who are like you- struggling. Stay close to people who have made it through the tough times. Talk to beautiful people. Talk to your parents. Write. Pray. Love. Take care of your sisters, brothers, family, friends, society, country, the world. We all have to pass through tough times. We did yesterday, we did today, and we will do it tomorrow, but the greatest thing of life is ACCEPTANCE. Accept your flaws and do it again-this time for a better life.

A year ago, I (24F) got to know this guy (28) via a dating app. I was already connected with him via LinkedIn, so he felt familiar. We matched, and he was very nice at the beginning, kind and flirty. But then he started getting cold and going MIA for a week or two at a time. I didn't mind it then that much because a) uni was keeping me busy and b) he was working full time in health care (so I understand their schedules). But then he stood me up on the first date of my life (he was the one who asked for it multiple times, and he got to choose the date, place, and time). That night I was pretty upset but told him that it is okay, and we can reschedule it for another time.I went home and even though he tried to convince me to meet him later that night, I just refused the offer and needed time to process what happened. The day after, I did message him to let him know that I am fine. He ghosted me, so two weeks passed, and I just asked straight up asked him what is going on. I told him that I liked him and wanted to see where it goes, but I don't think the feeling is mutual. Even if it is not, it is okay, but I need to know that. To which he answered that 'he is not ready to date and is not sure if he likes me, and it is not my fault since he never tried to get to know me either, so I should move on.' So I respected his decision and let him go. Even though I have never met him personally, I just felt disappointed and didn't want to try dating apps again, so I never went back and closed it permanently.
A whole year later, he tried to contact me via my other social media account. At first, I didn't want to add him, but maybe I was hoping for something better this time, so I did add him and the first thing he sends me is a thumbs up, but I didn't react to it. Two days later I get this message from him: 'You look gorgeous' two days later. It felt like a very distasteful way of trying to get someone's attention. So I asked him, what is he trying? He answered that he wouldn't want anything, I wouldn't want. I told him that I was hurt by him last year because I am usually an introvert and closed-off person, but I did put my guard down for him. In return, I just asked him to be honest with me, but he kept lying to me and kept on leading me on for more than two months, only to tell me that he does not even like me. Even now I don't even know if he is searching for any serious connection or a fuck buddy because I can't become the latter. He answered that 'if that is my conclusion of last year, then I am doing a good job' and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore because he didn't expect such drama and is not interested in it either. That was triggering to me, so I replied: "Or maybe you don't have the mental capacity of handling a conflict, and would gaslight anybody who would challenge that." He blocked me. During that weekend that he blocked me, I was so distraught and felt so much guilt and shame for losing it at the end and for calling him a mentally incapable person, so on Monday during the lunch break I called him, and he picked up, upon asking if it is a good time for him to talk he said: 'yes, go ahead', but just when I said sorry, he hung up on me.
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It has been a month since then, and I am still feeling extremely guilty and ashamed of using that sentence. I just don't know how to cope with it and can't accept the fact he would never forgive me for it, so I just keep ruminating on it. Can you guys maybe give me some insight on how to handle the situation? Maybe give me your perspective of the situation as a man. Was I extremely out of line? I don't know why I said that, but his dismissive way of handling my hurt and pain was just suffocating me.

Yesterday our team from work went to a baseball game. We rented out a suite and everyone was drinking a lot. Once the game ended as we were walking out of the stadium to the car to go home (they were driving me) I was telling a story to my good buddy while we were walking and ended up saying in my story that what happened was pretty fucking stupid. His fiancé looked up and looked super mad at me saying to not swear in public cuz there’s people around, but I feel like I wasn’t being overly loud or anything but just telling a story. Then as we continued to walk to the car my buddy said something like man this shit is taking too damn long, and I looked at him jokingly and said hey you better cut that out there’s people around lol. His fiancé then looked pissed at me even though I was just joking around but she then looked super mad and was like are you trying to start shit with me? And I was like no I’m literally just messing around and joking around so I’m sorry if that offended you. She then drove us home 30 mins silent car ride, and dropped us off at a bar and me and my buddy enjoyed the rest of the night but I just can’t help feeling a little bad about that situation cuz it’s one of my best friends fiancé. I probably could have been more aware of my surroundings but I also feel like she could have not reacted that way towards me after how kind I’ve been and things I’ve done for them in the past like watch their dog etc. oh well what are everyone’s thoughts?

Throwaway account due to containing some personal info
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Thought I would share my experience, since you’re likely scrolling through this subreddit and reading a bunch of horror stories mixed with people saying the procedure wasn’t bad at all. I’m in the latter group, but I thought I would go into some extra detail on why the procedure wasn’t so bad as well as putting together a rough guide on optimizing your experience. One disclaimer is that I just had this procedure performed a week ago so I can’t speak to PVPS but I’m currently experiencing no pain. Also, I’m not a doctor so if your doctor recommends anything that contradicts with what I said, go with their recommendation. Feel free to comment with additional advice.
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Step 1: Finding a Doctor
You’ll want to find a board-certified urologic surgeon (urologist) in your area that is willing to do a vasectomy on someone your age and performs at least 50 vasectomies per year(1). Your primary care physician can help give you a recommendation. You should ask at least these three questions before/during consultation with the urologist:
- How many vasectomies do you perform a year?
- How long have you been performing vasectomies at this rate/year?
- What type of vasectomy do you perform?
It’s also worth checking if the doctor has any discipline actions against them. Below is a link to the NYS website that can help with this (2), you may need to do some digging to find the equivalent for your state.
If possible, bring a friend/SO to the consolation to take notes. The doctor will likely thoroughly explain the procedure which, while helpful, made me so nervous that I stopped fully listening and then had to make some calls afterword to have them go over what they said again (don’t be like me, bring a buddy).
When it comes to vasectomy types, you’ll hear about a lot of options on the internet (traditional vs. no scalpel, cauterization vs. clips vs. open ended, no needle vs. needle). The reddit consensus seems to be that no-scalpel open ended is the preference, but it’s important to hear the trained urologists arguments for their method. FWIW I received a traditional with cauterization and haven’t had any issues so far (knock on wood).
If the doctor’s answers to your questions are satisfactory, ask them how much they charge for the procedure (assuming insurance doesn’t cover it) and when they can perform the vasectomy. You should ideally pick a date that doesn’t have anything too mentally taxing the week before, and too physically taxing the next two weeks after. Fridays are great as you can schedule PTO on Friday and Monday to have four days dedicated to recovery.
A note on budgeting, my procedure was $945 in total but the cost can vary. My recommended budget is $2,000 - $3,000. In addition to the procedure itself, there are a few items I recommend purchasing (listed below) to make recovery easier, and the amount left over can help cover any additional work that hopefully won’t be necessary.
Shopping List:
- Jockstraps or athletic underwear (something that provides a lot of support to the nuts) x 4 packs (12 pair)
- Big box of gauze pads (ideally 25-50 pads)
- Hand sanitizer
- Neosporin (or similar antibiotic ointment)
- Tylenol (just in case)
- Something fun for after surgery (ex. subscribe to a new streaming service, buy a new video game, get a book from the library)
- Frozen peas (2 packs) or ice packs specifically designed for vasectomy recovery
- Ziplock bags (large enough to place frozen peas within)
- Fiber bars / bananas, eggs, spinach, minced garlic, tortilla wraps, cheese, bell peppers
- Laptop Bed Desk Table Tray Stand
- Wireless head phones
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Step 2: The Week Before
This was the hardest part of the procedure in my experience. The thought of sharp objects near your sack isn’t a savory one, and it’s natural to be nervous. The toughest part I found was that I was having trouble sleeping. If you’re in a similar situation, my recommendation is to use this time to do some prep work. Since you can’t lift anything heavy after surgery, get your chores out of the way ahead of time so you can recover as long as possible. This is also a good opportunity to move some things around to minimize the amount of movement you need to do after surgery (ex. cleaning your nightstand and moving your Tylenol / gauze pads to an easy to reach location). Finally, feel free to do some meal prep so you spend minimal time standing by a stove after surgery.
Your doctor will likely tell you this, but I’ll reiterate, don’t take any blood thinners the week before. If you do, reschedule the appointment. Also, it may be worth asking your doctor if they can give you a valium (ask this ahead of the appointment date as they will likely need some time to get approval). I couldn’t get any valium during my surgery, but that also could be because I didn’t ask in advance.
Something I do recommend taking a few days before are those bananas / fiber bars. The thought of pooping right after surgery isn’t a great one, so a high fiber diet can help clean you out beforehand.
One final tip I have is to masturbate a few times the day before. You shouldn’t masturbate for 1-2 weeks after surgery so it's good to get it out of your system now.
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Step 3: The Day Of
I would recommend taking a half-day today if your surgery is in the afternoon. While taking a full day can be tempting, you may want some work to keep your mind preoccupied.
When leaving the house to go to surgery, bring the following with you:
- Paperwork + insurance card
- Check (or credit card if they accept it)
- Wireless headphones
- Your phone
- Frozen peas (optional)
- Someone to drive home you after surgery
Now it’s time for the gory details and, honestly, it’s not all that gory. My urologist did inject lidocaine into my ballsack and he mentioned that there would be a burning sensation, but I felt very little. I’ve had lidocaine in my foot before and it was way worse that time. The actual insertion of the needle also didn’t hurt as much as I was expecting (less painful than getting blood drawn). My theory is that the ballsack doesn’t have much nerves tied to it (instead it’s the balls within the sack that feel pain and an experienced doctor won’t be bumping into those).
Once the lidocaine is in, you don’t really feel much after. It sorta feels like your doctor is thumbing at your scrotum but that’s about it. The worst part are the thoughts going through your head and I have a tip for that. Remember those wireless headphones I mentioned? Ask your doctor if you can wear them during surgery and play a meditation video during the procedure. Here’s a link to the one I used (3). Focusing on the meditation should help get you through. Overall, I would rate the physical pain of the procedure to be less than a dental cleaning / blood donation.
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Step 4: What to Expect After
You’ll start to feel an aching feeling about 1-2 hours after the procedure as the lidocaine wears off. The good news is that, as far as I can tell, this is the worst the pain will be, assuming you don’t lift anything heavier than a phonebook during recovery. Now’s the time to elevate your feet and begin icing your balls. Put the frozen peas into the ziplock bag and then apply to the top surface of your underwear (which should still have a gauze pad under it as well). Set a timer for 20 minutes and begin the icing. Once the timer goes off, set another one for 15 minutes, put the frozen peas in the freezer and wait. You should also use a paper towel to wipe off any moisture from the ziplock bag. Ideally, you have someone else making runs to/from the freezer but an alternative could be to get a small icebox to store the peas near your couch/bed. Once this timer goes off, begin applying the peas again. Keep doing this for ~4 hours, then you can do it for less the next day if you don’t feel the ache. After the next day is over, the peas can be applied if you notice bruising. Bruising isn’t uncommon and can last 2-3 weeks after application. My bruising went away after 2-3 days and the aching mostly went away after the second day.
Speaking of the ache, let’s talk about it. Much like the surgery, it’s not as bad as I was expecting. I would describe it as that feeling you get when you sit in a weird position too long in tight pants, a mild pressing sensation over the scrotum and iliac furrows area. The peas and lack of movement will help reduce the pain/swelling (though it likely won’t go away as the peas are on you). Something that also surprised me is how small the cuts on the scrotum actually are (look less like major surgery and more like I nicked myself shaving).
Our new goal will be to minimize risk of infection. After about 4 hours after the surgery, feel free to swap out your gauze pad with a new one, with a very light amount of Neosporin on it. Be sure to clean your hand prior to these swaps (wash thoroughly and apply sanitizer). Right before bed, switch out both underwear and gauze. Keep legs in elevated position while you sleep (put a pillow under your legs). The next day, my recommended gauze swap out is as follows:
- Morning: Replace current gauze with a new one that has a light layer of neosporin on it
- 1-2 hours later: Swap out gauze with a fresh one that has no neosporine on it
- Before bed: Swap out gauze again for a new one with very light neosporine
Prior to applying that gauze pad before bed, it would be a good time to take a light shower. When applying soap to your scrotum, my recommendation is to lather the soap on your hands and then lightly flick the suds to your sack. This way, you have soap on your sack without actually touching it (minimizing risk of your hands infecting it or prematurely opening the stitches). If you are struggling with a cold sore, I would recommend washing your haiface separately from the body washing (ideally after washing your body and while bent over the bath spicket).
Some other tips I’m following is to treat it like any other wound recovery:
- Eating foods rich in vitamin c and protein.
- Avoiding sugar
- Keeping feet elevated with a pillow
- Keeping hands washed and sanitized
- Using the bed desk to discourage a cat/dog/child from hopping into your lap.
Follow doctors instructions regarding showering and abstinence. The current guideline is to avoid working out 1 week after surgery, but I’m going to wait 2 weeks as an added precaution.
One final suggestion for you. Throughout this process you may have been concerned about PVPS (post-vasectomy pain syndrome). The most concerning aspect of this illness is that it may arrive 5-7 years after surgery and can be tricky for urologists to identify as it seems to be the result of multiple different causes, including the following:
- Infection
- Nerve compression
- Damage to the vas deferens tube
- Back pressure
- Scar tissue
While there’s no guarantee that this won’t occur, the steps above should at least help minimize risk of infection/scarring. Some further precautions you may want to consider are as follows:
- Avoid working out until at least 1 month after surgery and then begin by focusing on light cardio (avoid heavy weights for now)
- Consider investing in a hot tub in the distant future (this is pure speculation on my part but, if a potential cause is back pressure of sperm, then regular soaks in a heated environment may kill off said sperm and relieve pressure)
Hope all of instruction above provide you with some guidance and peace of mind regarding this process and, if you have any other tips for vasectomies, I would love to hear about them.
(1): https://www.webmd.com/men/features/vasectomy-risks-benefits
(2): https://apps.health.ny.gov/pubdoh/professionals/doctors/conduct/factions/Home.action
(3): https://youtu.be/DwgaIc3v3B0

We have been together 6 years, but we bought a house, got engaged and found out we were expecting a baby all in the space of two months. So there were a lot of changes. All of which I was very happy about at the beginning. The last couples of months or so though, I feel like we've kind of lost our connection.
He is extremely focused on doing work on the house, it's all he thinks and talks about. A lot of work which I think is excessive/not needed, and we are eating through our savings. Something which makes me feel overwhelmed as I came from a poor childhood and I'm terrified of developing money issues. All he wants to talk about are his ideas for the house and at this stage I want to bash my head against the wall when talking.
I feel overwhelmed having gone from a little two bed, already furnished apartment to a big house we have to furnish and maintain ourselves. I have lost all enthusiasm about owning our house.
On the other foot, I'm sure he would say that all I want to talk about is the baby. He enjoys going to the scans and brings it up here and there but generally it's out of sight and out of mind for him at the moment and he doesn't have much interest in talking about it.
We went on a three week trip to Japan and I just didn't feel very lovey dovey towards him. We only had sex like three times the whole trip. One time I initiated just because I felt like a should. Not because I actually felt into it. Sex just seems very disconnected and just trying to get to the goal of orgasm.
I kind of just feel neutral towards him at the moment. Like I don't have bad feelings towards him but I also don't feel very loving towards him which scares me.
Maybe we are also just spending too much time together. We work from home so are together 24/7. It's rare we go do anything by ourselves. Outside of maybe a once a month visit with friends for a couple hours.
I feel like we are turning into an unhappy, married couple already and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like the stress and tiredness that comes with having a baby in 15 weeks will make it a lot worse.
I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to make things better?
TLDR: Partner and I went from carefree people in a rented apartment to getting engaged, bought a house and found out we were having a baby in a short space of time. I'm not sure if I'm happy anymore with our new life.

Hi all. Will be moving out of my studio (student accom) mid July and so I am on the hunt for new accommodation. I will no longer be a student so student accom is not an option.
I don’t like the thought of going into a HMO, I find them soulless and depressing. I’ve also heard many horror stories that put me off. I have considered being a lodger because it will feel more “homely” but the lack of legal rights is something that holds me back slightly. I have thought of maybe finding someone to rent a 2 bed with where we split costs. However none of my friends will be staying in Leicester except me. I have also thought of maybe renting a (non-student) studio again, but i need to factor in individual bills on-top of this.
If anyone has any insight or advice/tips they could give me, I’d be grateful. Or even just share your own experiences. I just need somewhere affordable but comfortable whilst I save up. Many thanks!!
Edit: budget Max £900 a month (bills included, if this is to be my own place such as a studio, for a shared flat i’d expect it’d be much less than this) Area: In or close to the city centre (ideally 15-25 min walking distance if outside city centre) Parking: do not need Ideally furnished too

Hey all! FTM 30 weeks here and none of my hobbies seem to interest me much anymore. Not sure if just tired or if it's more. I've had depression for a long time and am unmedicated for the health of the baby, I've been doing OK and using more cognitive methods to helps so I don't think it's that.
Here are some things I used to enjoy and my current reason for not doing it:
Crochet: it takes an hour to finish a full row on my big blanket and I don't really feel like watching anything on TV and definitely don't wanna work in silence for an hour. Also I have to put my new dog up while I do it and often she's been up for hours already while I do chores. Another reason is that it definitely won't be done by the time baby gets here so I'll have to store it away to finish....who knows when and if I get too far in and loose my stitch count paper I'll be lost with only one color left!
Read: I've been reading out loud for the baby and am currently getting a double whammy out by reading the norse eddas as I'm a fledgling pagan who wants to learn more and connect to my deities better. Well the issue there is the words are tough and when I sit in my room to read I want to have a good amount of time to do so. I light my alter candles and get comfy. For me this is meant to be sacred time and I have to be in the right mindset. Also again with keeping the dog up. Plus I live with a roommate and the shared bathroom is a door away from my room and I don't feel comfortable with others hearing me read like that, It's a very private time.
Game: This one I've been really itching to do but i have so many reasons that turn me off it. For one I'm not sure what I want to play, I'm a PC gamer mostly and I've been thinking about playing sims but it's a game that will require (at least for me) some time and effort to start and enjoy. I'll be in my closed office which is ok for letting the dog run and play, I just have to check on her. We'll I don't like my gaming chair. Really hurts to sit for hours while pregnant. Also my roomate shares the office with my husband and I and he is always home gaming and it kinda kills my vibe. He plays a lot of games where he is talking to other gamers and screaming stupid stuff to buddies....it's annoying after awhile.
Most of what I do now is just scroll my phone or message my friends. I spend a lot of time on reddit because I'm often having to get up to deal with my dog and there is just not a point to starting something I can't easily put down. When my husband is home I could do some of this but u usually want to do something with him or we are busy doing other things for the house.
Does anyone else have issues enjoying themselves or is it just me having a new dog and not seeing the point? Could it be early signs of PPD? I don't feel sad about my hobbies usually...sometimes I don't see a point but I feel that's logical since I really won't have time after baby is born to really finish something if I start it. What do you all do for fun? Is there something more I could be doing in between cleaning and resting? Something for me?

My friend and I planned a spur-of-the-moment trip to Texas. Round trip from NY to Houston was under $200 but her son is an airline employee and got her a buddy pass. I arranged my flight on a different airline to arrive and depart within minutes of hers so we'd meet up at the airport around the same time. We spent 5 days in an airbnb. There was a little dust on the ceiling fan so after 2 days she complained to airbnb headquarters and got a refund plus a credit towards another apartment. We ate out daily and daily she either complained about the food after she ate it and got a refund or another meal to go, on the house. We went to the mall and she stopped in Tiffany's to get complimentary Perrier water instead of just purchasing a drink in the mall. It was finally time to go home. Her flight took off first, mine was scheduled 15 minutes later. When I landed at JFK, I called her to let her know I landed and where to meet me as my daughter was there to drive us home. She said she was still in Houston... she was not able to get a seat on stand-by! Long story short, she wasn't seated on the next two flights and ended up having to wait until the following afternoon to finally get a flight home. She had to pay for a hotel overnight, buy her dinner, and possibly breakfast, and had to spend on an Uber ride home from NYC to Long Island, and that ain't cheap! She spent way more in one day than she saved over our 5 day trip!😁🤭

A lot of things have happened in our short marriage. My husband (23M) and I (23F) met senior year of high school and started fooling around as teenagers do. I went off to college an hour away after highschool and he stayed home and eventually left for the military (first red flag). The summer after my first year of college, he was coming back and forth from where he was doing training and I fell pregnant. We decided to get married and our little boy was born. After our son was born, he was stationed overseas when our son was just two weeks old. I spent a ton of time trying to get everything prepared to move overseas and we finally arrived just before our son's second birthday. So at this point, we had been married two years and not been physically together for basically any of it. We never lived together so I assumed there would be some growing pains with that, along with the transition of my husband going from essentially bachelor living (drinking with buddies and doing whatever he wants, another red flag), but I was not ready for the actual amount. I basically moved across the world to take care of another alcoholic kid. Then, the summer following me moving here, I found out he cheated on me multiple times while he was here partying and I was solo parenting in the states trying to get over here. I always said if he ever cheated I would leave him, but I decided to try and stay and work things out. Things were still not great, but better communication and more cooperation. Then all of the sudden, my husband comes home from a work trip acting weird and says he doesn't see us married long term and wants me to start going back to school and getting set up on my own. The more I think about it, the more angry I am. He put me through so much and I dropped everything and moved my whole life to follow him. But also, the more I think about it, I feel free. I feel free from a marriage where I'm basically alone, and taking care of another person I did not give birth to. I'm only really sad for my son, because with his dad being in the military he won't get to see him much, but we have so much family who loves him with all their heart, I know he'll be fine. I'm ready to move on with my life and find someone who won't treat me like dirt.

PODCAST: https://ayearofwarandpeace.podbean.com/e/ep1572-hail-and-farewell-george-moore-vale-chapter-112/
PROMPTS: George does not care about you, whatsoever.
Today's Reading, via Project Gutenberg:
Borde could not enlighten him on that point, and I suggested that he should make application to the publisher of his Prayer-Book and get his money back. There is nobody. I said, like him. He is more wonderful than anything in literature. I prefer him to Sancho who was untroubled with a conscience and never thought of running to the Bishop of Toledo. All the same he is not without the shrewdness of his ancestors, and got the better of Archbishop Walsh, and for the last five years Vincent O'Brien has been beating time, and will beat it till the end of his life; and he will be succeeded by others, for Edward has, by deed, saved the Italian contrapuntalists till time everlasting from competition with modern composers. He certainly has gotten the better of Walsh. And I thought of a picture-gallery in Dublin with nothing in it but Botticelli and his school, and myself declaring that all painting that had been done since had no interest for me.... A smile began to spread over my face, for the story that was coming into my mind seemed oh! so humorous, so like Ireland, so like Edward, that I began to tell myself again the delightful story of the unrefined ears that, weary of erudite music, had left the cathedral and sought instinctively modern tunes and women's voices, and as these were to be found in Westland Row the church was soon overflowing with a happy congregation. But in a little while the collections grew scantier. This time it couldn't be Palestrina, and all kinds of reasons were adduced. At last the truth could no longer be denied—the professional Catholics of Merrion Square had been driven out of Westland Row by the searching smells of dirty clothes, and had gone away to the University Church in Stephen's Green. So if it weren't Palestrina directly it was Palestrina indirectly, and the brows of the priests began to knit when Edward Martyn's name was mentioned. Them fal-de-dals is well enough on the Continent, in Paris, where there is no faith, was the opinion of an important ecclesiastic. But we don't want them here, murmured a second ecclesiastic. All this counterpoint may make a very pretty background for Mr Martyn's prayers, but what about the poor people's? Good composer or bad composer, there is no congregation in him, said a third. There's too much congregation, put in the first, but not the kind we want! The second ecclesiastic took snuff, and the group were of opinion that steps should be taken to persuade dear Edward to make good their losses. The priests in Marlborough Street sympathised with the priests of Westland Row, and told them that they were so heavily out of pocket that Mr Martyn had agreed to do something for them. It seemed to the Westland Row priests that if Mr Martyn were making good the losses of the priests of the pro-Cathedral, he should make good their losses. It was natural that they should think so, and to acquit himself of all responsibility Edward no doubt consulted the best theologians on the subject, and I think that they assured him that he is not responsible for indirect losses. If he were, his whole fortune would not suffice. He was, of course, very sorry if a sudden influx of poor people had caused a falling-off in the collections of Westland Row, for he knew that the priests needed the money very much to pay for the new decorations, and to help them he wrote an article in the Independent praising the new blue ceiling, which seemed, so he wrote, a worthy canopy for the soaring strains of Palestrina.
Unfortunately rubbing salt into the wound, I said. A story that will amuse Dujardin and it will be great fun telling him in the shady garden at Fontainebleau how Edward, anxious to do something for his church, had succeeded in emptying two. All the way down the alleys he will wonder how Edward could have ever looked upon Palestrina's masses as religious music. The only music he will say, in which religious emotion transpires is plain-chant. Huysmans says that the Tantum Ergo or the Dies Irae, one or the other, reminds him of a soul being dragged out of purgatory, and it is possible that it does; but a plain-chant tune arranged in eight-part counterpoint cannot remind one of anything very terrible. Dujardin knows that Palestrina was a priest, and he will say: That fact deceived your friend, just as the fact of finding the Adeste Fideles among the plain-chant tunes deceived him. For of course I shall tell Dujardin that story too. It is too good to be missed. He is wonderful, Dujardin! I shall cry out in one of the sinuous alleys. There never was anybody like him! And I will tell him more soul-revealing anecdotes. I will say: Dujardin, listen. One evening he contended that the great duet at the end of Siegfried reminded him of mass by Palestrina. Dujardin will laugh, and, excited by his laughter, I will try to explain to him that what Edward sees is that Palestrina took a plain chant tune and gave fragments of it to the different voices, and in his mind these become confused with the motives of The Ring. You see, Dujardin, the essential always escapes him—the intention of the writer is hidden from him. I am beginning to understand your friend. He has, let us suppose, a musical ear that allows him to take pleasure in the music; but a musical ear will not help him to follow Wagner's idea—how, in a transport of sexual emotion, a young man and a young woman on a mountain-side awaken to the beauty of the life of the world. Dujardin's appreciations will provoke me, and I will say: Dujardin, you shouldn't be so appreciative. If I were telling you of a play I had written, it would be delightful to watch my idea dawning upon your consciousness; but I am telling you of a real man, and one that I shall never to able to get into literature. He will answer: We invent nothing; we can but perceive. And then, exhilarated, carried beyond myself, I will say: Dujardin, I will tell you something still more wonderful than the last gaffe. II gaffe dans les Quat'z Arts. He admires Ibsen, but you'd never guess the reason why—because he is very like Racine; both of them, he says, are classical writers. And do you know how he arrived at that point? Because nobody is killed on the stage in Racine or in Ibsen. He does not see that the intention of Racine is to represent men and women out of time and out of space, unconditioned by environment, and that the very first principle of Ibsen's art is the relation of his characters to their environment. In many passages he merely dramatises Darwin. There never was anybody so interesting as dear Edward, and there never will be anybody like him in literature ... I will explain why presently, but I must first tell you another anecdote. I went to see him one night, and he told me that the theme of the play he was writing was a man who had married a woman because he had lost faith in himself; the man did not know, however, that the woman had married him for the same reason, and the two of them were thinking—I have forgotten what they were thinking, but I remember Edward saying: I should like to suggest hopelessness. I urged many phrases, but he said: It isn't a phrase I want, but an actual thing. I was thinking of a broken anchor—that surely is a symbol of hopelessness. Yes, I said, no doubt, but how are you going to get a broken anchor into a drawing-room? I don't write about drawing-rooms. Well, living-rooms. It isn't likely that they would buy a broken anchor and put it up by the coal-scuttle.
There's that against it, he answered. If you could suggest anything better—What do you think of a library in which there is nothing but unacted plays? The characters could say, when there was nothing for them to do on the stage, that they were going to the library to read, and the library would have the advantage of reminding everybody of the garret in the Wild Duck. A very cruel answer, my friend, Dujardin will say, and I will tell him that I can't help seeing in Edward something beyond Shakespeare or Balzac. Now, tell me, which of these anecdotes I have told you is the most humorous? He will not answer my question, but a certain thoughtfulness will begin to settle in his face, and he will say: Everything with him is accidental, and when his memory fails him he falls into another mistake, and he amuses you because it is impossible for you to anticipate his next mistake. You know there is going to be one; there must be one, for he sees things separately rather than relatively. I am beginning to understand your friend.
You are, you are; you are doing splendidly. But you haven't told me, Dujardin, which anecdote you prefer. Stay, there is another one. Perhaps this one will help you to a still better understanding. When he brought The Heather Field and Yeats's play The Countess Cathleen to Dublin for performance, a great trouble of conscience awakened suddenly in him, and a few days before the performance he went to a theologian to ask him if The Countess Cathleen were a heretical work, and, if it were would Almighty God hold him responsible for the performance? But he couldn't withdraw Yeats's play without withdrawing his own, and it appears that he breathed a sigh of relief when a common friend referred the whole matter to two other theologians, and as these gave their consent Edward allowed the plays to go on; but Cardinal Logue intervened, and wrote a letter to the papers to say that the play seemed to him unfit for Catholic ears, and Edward would have withdrawn the plays if the Cardinal hadn't admitted in his letter that he had judged the play by certain extracts only.
He wishes to act rightly, but has little faith in himself; and what makes him so amusing is that he needs advice in aesthetics as well as in morals. We are, I said, Dujardin, at the roots of conscience. And I began to ponder the question what would happen to Edward if we lived in a world in which aesthetics ruled: I should be where Bishop Healy is, and he would be a thin, small voice crying in the wilderness—an amusing subject of meditation, from which I awoke suddenly.
I wonder how Dujardin is getting on with his Biblical studies? Last year he was calling into question the authorship of the Romans—a most eccentric view; and, remembering how weakly I had answered him, I took the Bible from the table and began to read the Epistle with a view to furnishing myself with arguments wherewith to confute him. My Bible opened at the ninth chapter, and I said: Why, here is the authority for the Countess Cathleen's sacrifice which Edward's theologian deemed untheological. It will be great fun to poke Edward up with St Paul, and on my way to Lincoln Place I thought how I might lead the conversation to The Countess Cathleen.
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A few minutes afterwards a light appeared on the staircase and the door slowly opened.
Come in, Siegfried, though you were off the key.
Well, my dear friend, it is a difficult matter to whistle above two trams passing simultaneously and six people jabbering round a public-house, to say nothing of a jarvey or two, and you perhaps dozing in your armchair, as your habit often is. You won't open to anything else except a motive from The Ring; and I stumbled up the stairs in front of Edward, who followed with a candle.
Wait a moment; let me go first and I'll turn up the gas.
You aren't sitting in the dark, are you?
No, but I read better by candle-light, and he blew out the candles in the tin candelabrum that he had made for himself. He is original even in his candelabrum; no one before him had ever thought of a caridelabrum in tin, and I fell to admiring his appearance more carefully than perhaps I had ever done before, so monumental did he seem lying on the little sofa sheltered from daughts by a screen, a shawl about his shoulders. His churchwarden was drawing famously, and I noticed his great square hands with strong fingers and square nails pared closely away, and as heretofore I admired the curve of the great belly, the thickness of the thighs, the length and breadth and the width of his foot hanging over the edge of the sofa, the apoplectic neck falling into great rolls of flesh, the humid eyes, the skull covered with short stubbly hair. I looked round the rooms and they seemed part of himself: the old green wallpaper on which he pins reproductions of the Italian masters. And I longed to peep once more into the bare bedroom into which he goes to fetch bottles of Apollinaris. Always original! Is there another man in this world whose income is two thousand a year, and who sleeps in a bare bedroom, without dressing-room, or bathroom, or servant in the house to brush his clothes, and who has to go to the baker's for his breakfast?
We had been talking for some time of the Gaelic League, and from Hyde it was easy to pass to Yeats and his plays.
His best play is The Countess Cathleen.
The Countess Cathleen is only a sketch.
But what I never could understand, Edward, was why you and the Cardinal could have had any doubts as to the orthodoxy of The Countess Cathleen.
What, a woman that sells her own soul in order to save the souls of others!
I suppose your theologian objected—
Of course he objected.
He cannot have read St Paul.
What do you mean?
He can't have read St Paul, or else he is prepared to throw over St Paul.
Mon ami Moore, mon ami Moore.
The supernatural idealism of a man who would sell his soul to save the souls of others fills me with awe.
But it wasn't a man; it was the Countess Cathleen, and women are never idealists.
Not the saints?
His face grew solemn at once.
If you give me the Epistles I will read the passage to you. And it was great fun to go to the bookshelves and read: I say the truth in Christ, I lie not, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Ghost, that I have great heaviness and continual sorrow in my heart. For I could wish that myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my kinsmen according to the flesh.
Edward's face grew more and more solemn, and I wondered of what he was thinking.
Paul is a very difficult and a very obscure writer, and I think the Church is quite right not to encourage the reading of the Epistles, especially without comments.
Then you do think there is something in the passage I have read?
After looking down his dignified nose for a long time, he said:
Of course, the Church has an explanation. All the same, it's very odd that St Paul should have said such a thing—very odd.
There is no doubt that I owe a great deal of my happiness to Edward; all my life long he has been exquisite entertainment. And I fell to thinking that Nature was very cruel to have led me, like Moses, within sight of the Promised Land. A story would be necessary to bring Edward into literature, and it would be impossible to devise an action of which he should be a part. The sex of a woman is odious to him, and a man with two thousand a year does not rob nor steal, and he is so uninterested in his fellow-men that he has never an ill word to say about anybody. John Eglinton is a little thing; AE is a soul that few will understand; but Edward is universal—more universal than Yeats, than myself, than any of us, but for lack of a story I shall not be able to give him the immortality in literature which he seeks in sacraments. Shakespeare always took his stories from some other people. Turgenev's portrait of him would be thin, poor, and evasive, and Balzac would give us the portrait of a mere fool. And Edward is not a fool. As I understand him he is a temperament without a rudder; all he has to rely upon is his memory, which isn't a very good one, and so he tumbles from one mistake into another. My God! it is a terrible thing to happen to one, to understand a man better than he understands himself, and to be powerless to help him. If I had been able to undo his faith I should have raised him to the level of Sir Horace Plunkett, but he resisted me; and perhaps he did well, for he came into the world seeing things separately rather than relatively, and had to be a Catholic. He is a born Catholic, and I remembered one of his confessions—a partial confession, but a confession: If you had been brought up as strictly as I have been—I don't think he ever finished the sentence; he often leaves sentences unfinished, as if he fears to think things out. The end of the sentence should run: You would not dare to think independently. He thinks that his severe bringing-up has robbed him of something. But the prisoner ends by liking his prison-house, and on another occasion he said: If it hadn't been for the Church, I don't know what would have happened to me.
My thoughts stopped, and when I awoke I was thinking of Hughes. Perhaps the link between Hughes and Edward was Loughrea Cathedral. He had shown me a photograph of some saints modelled by Hughes. Hughes is away in Paris, I said, modelling saints for Loughrea Cathedral. The last time I saw him was at Walter Osborne's funeral, and Walter's death set me thinking of the woman I had lost, and little by little all she had told me about herself floated up in my mind like something that I had read. I had never seen her father nor the Putney villa in which she had been brought up, but she had made me familiar with both through her pleasant mode of conversation, which was never to describe anything, but just to talk about things, dropping phrases here and there, and the phrases she dropped were so well chosen that the comfort of the villa, its pompous meals and numerous servants, its gardens and greenhouses, with stables and coach-house just behind, are as well known to me as the house that I am living in, better known in a way, for I see it through the eyes of the imagination ... clearer eyes than the physical eyes.
It does not seem to me that any one was ever more conscious of whence she had come and of what she had been; she seemed to be able to see herself as a child again, and to describe her childhood with her brother (they were nearly the same age) in the villa and in the villa's garden. I seemed to see them always as two rather staid children who were being constantly dressed by diligent nurses and taken out for long drives in the family carriage. They did not like these drives and used to hide in the garden; but their governess was sent to fetch them, and they were brought back. Her father did not like to have the horses kept waiting, and one day as Stella stood with him in the passage, she saw her mother come out of her bedroom beautifully dressed. Her father whispered something in his wife's ear, and he followed her into her bedroom. Stella remembered how the door closed behind them. In my telling, the incident seems to lose some of its point, but in Stella's relation it seemed to put her father and his wife before me and so clearly that I could not help asking her what answer her father would make were she to tell him that she had a lover. A smile hovered in her grave face. He would look embarrassed, she said, and wonder why I should have told him such a thing, and then I think he would go to the greenhouse, and when he returned he would talk to me about something quite different. I don't think that Stella ever told me about the people that came to their house, but people must have come to it, and as an example of how a few words can convey an environment I will quote her: I always wanted to talk about Rossetti, she said, and these seven words seem to me to tell better than any description the life of a girl living with a formal father in a Putney villa, longing for something, not knowing exactly what, and anxious to get away from home.... I think she told me she was eighteen or nineteen and had started painting before she met Florence at the house of one of her father's friends; a somewhat sore point this meeting was, for Florence was looked upon by Stella's father as something of a Bohemian. She was a painter, and knew all the Art classes and the fees that had to be paid, and led Stella into the world of studios and models and girl friends. She knew how to find studios and could plan out a journey abroad. Stella's imagination was captured, and even if her father had tried to offer opposition to her leaving home he could not have prevented her, for she was an heiress (her mother was dead and had left her a considerable income); but he did not try, and the two girls set up house together in Chelsea; they travelled in Italy and Spain; they had a cottage in the country; they painted pictures and exhibited their pictures in the same exhibitions; they gave dances in their studios and were attracted by this young man and the other; but Stella did not give herself to any one, because, as she admitted to me, she was afraid that a lover would interrupt the devotion which she intended to give to Art. But life is forever casting itself into new shapes and forms, and no sooner had she begun to express herself in Art than she met me. I was about to go to Ireland to preach a new gospel, and must have seemed a very impulsive and fantastic person to her, but were not impulsiveness and fantasy just the qualities that would appeal to her? And were not gravity and good sense the qualities that would appeal to me, determined as I was then to indulge myself in a little madness?
I could not have chosen a saner companion than Stella; my instinct had led me to her; but because one man's instinct is a little more clear than another's, it does not follow that he has called reason to his aid. It must be remembered always that the art of painting is as inveterate in me as the art of writing, and that I am never altogether myself when far away from the smell of oil paint. Stella could talk to one about painting, and all through that wonderful summer described in Salve our talk flowed on as delightfully as a breeze in Maytime, and as irresponsible, flashing thoughts going by and avowals perfumed with memories. Only in her garden did conversation fail us, for in her garden Stella could think only of her flowers, and it seemed an indiscretion to follow her as she went through the twilight gathering dead blooms or freeing plants from noxious insects. But she would have had me follow her, and I think was always a little grieved that I wasn't as interested in her garden as I was in her painting; and my absent-mindedness when I followed her often vexed her and my mistakes distressed her.
You are interested, she said, only in what I say about flowers and not in the flowers themselves. You like to hear me tell about Miss —— whose business in life is to grow carnations, because you already see her, dimly, perhaps, but still you see her in a story. Forget her and look at this Miss Shifner!
Yes, it is beautiful, but we can only admire the flowers that we notice when we are children, I answered. Dahlias, china roses, red and yellow tulips, tawny wallflowers, purple pansies, are never long out of my thoughts, and all the wonderful varieties of the iris, the beautiful blue satin and the cream, some shining like porcelain, even the common iris that grows about the moat.
But there were carnations in your mother's garden?
Yes, and I remember seeing them being tied with bass. But what did you say yesterday about carnations? That they were the—
She laughed and would not tell me, and when the twilight stooped over the high trees and the bats flitted and the garden was silent except when a fish leaped, I begged her to come away to the wild growths that I loved better than the flowers.
But the mallow and willow-weed are the only two that you recognise. How many times have I told you the difference between self-heal and tufted vetch?
I like cow parsley and wild hyacinths and—
You have forgotten the name. As well speak of a woman that you loved but whose name you had forgotten.
Well, if I have, I love trees better than you do, Stella. You pass under a fir unstirred by the mystery of its branches, and I wonder at you, for I am a tree worshipper, even as my ancestors, and am moved as they were by the dizzy height of a great silver fir. You like to paint trees, and I should like to paint flowers if I could paint; there we are set forth, you and I.
I have told in Salve that in Rathfarnham she found many motives for painting; the shape of the land and the spire above the straggling village appealed to me, but she was not altogether herself in these pictures. She would have liked the village away, for man and his dwellings did not form part of her conception of a landscape; large trees and a flight of clouds above the trees were her selection, and the almost unconscious life of kine wandering or sheep seeking the shelter of a tree.
Stella was a good walker, and we followed the long road leading from Rathfarnham up the hills, stopping to admire the long plain which we could see through the comely trees shooting out of the shelving hillside.
If I have beguiled you into a country where there are no artists and few men of letters, you can't say that I have not shown you comely trees. And now if you can walk two miles farther up this steep road I will show you a lovely prospect.
And I enjoyed her grave admiration of the old Queen Anne dwelling-house, its rough masonry, the yew hedges, the path along the hillside leading to the Druid altar and the coast-line sweeping in beautiful curves, but she did not like to hear me say that the drawing of the shore reminded her of Corot.
It is a sad affectation, she said, to speak of Nature reminding one of pictures.
Well, the outlines of Howth are beautiful, I answered, and the haze is incomparable. I should like to have spoken about a piece of sculpture, but for your sake, Stella, I refrain.
She was interested in things rather than ideas, and I remember her saying to me that things interest us only because we know that they are always slipping from us. A strange thing for a woman to say to her lover. She noticed all the changes of the seasons and loved them, and taught me to love them. She brought a lamb back from Rathfarnham, a poor forlorn thing that had run bleating so pitifully across the windy field that she had asked the shepherd where the ewe was, and he had answered that she had been killed overnight by a golf-ball. The lamb will be dead before morning, he added. And it was that March that the donkey produced a foal, a poor ragged thing that did not look as if it ever could be larger than a goat, but the donkey loved her foal.
Do you know the names of those two birds flying up and down the river?
They look to me like two large wrens with white waistcoats.
They are water-ouzels, she said.
The birds flew with rapid strokes of the wings, like kingfishers, alighting constantly on the river, on large mossy stones, and though we saw them plunge into the water, it was not to swim, but to run along the bottom in search of worms.
But do worms live under water?
The rooks were building, and a little while after a great scuffling was heard in one of the chimneys and a young jackdaw came down and soon became tamer than any bird I had ever seen, tamer than a parrot, and at the end of May the corncrake called from the meadow that summer had come again, and the kine wandered in deeper and deeper and deeper herbage. The days seemed never to end, and looking through the branches of the chestnut in which the fruit had not begun to show, we caught sight of a strange spectacle. Stella said, A lunar rainbow, and I wondered, never having heard of or seen such a thing before.
I shall never forget that rainbow, Stella, and am glad that we saw it together.
In every love story lovers reprove each other for lack of affection, and Stella had often sent me angry letters which caused me many heart-burnings and brought me out to her; in the garden there were reconciliations, we picked up the thread again, and the summer had passed before the reason of these quarrels became clear to me. One September evening Stella said she would accompany me to the gate, and we had not gone very far before I began to notice that she was quarrelling with me. She spoke of the loneliness of the Moat House, and I had answered that she had not been alone two evenings that week. She admitted my devotion. And if you admit that there has been no neglect—
She would not tell me, but there was something she was not satisfied with, and before we reached the end of the avenue she said, I don't think I can tell you. But on being pressed she said:
Well, you don't make love to me often enough.
And full of apologies I answered, Let me go back.
No, I can't have you back now, not after having spoken like that.
But she yielded to my invitation, and we returned to the house, and next morning I went back to Dublin a little dazed, a little shaken.
A few days after she went away to Italy to spend the winter and wrote me long letters, interesting me in herself, in the villagers, in the walks and the things that she saw in her walks, setting me sighing that she was away from me, or that I was not with her. And going to the window I would stand for a long time watching the hawthorns in their bleak wintry discontent, thinking how the sunlight fell into the Italian gardens, and caught the corner of the ruin she was sketching; and I let my fancy stray for a time unchecked. It would be wonderful to be in Italy with her, but—
I turned from the window suspicious, for there was a feeling at the back of my mind that with her return an anxiety would come into my life that I would willingly be without. She had told me she had refrained from a lover because she wished to keep all herself for her painting, and now she had taken to herself a lover. She was twenty years younger than I was, and at forty-six or thereabouts one begins to feel that one's time for love is over; one is consultant rather than practitioner. But it was impossible to dismiss the subject with a jest, and I found myself face to face with the question—If these twenty years were removed, would things be different? It seemed to me that the difficulty that had arisen would have been the same earlier in my life as it was now, and returning to the window I watched the hawthorns blowing under the cold grey Dublin sky.
The problem is set, I said, for the married, and every couple has to solve it in one way or another, but they have to solve it; they have to come to terms with love, especially the man, for whom it is a question of life and death. But how do they come to terms? And I thought of the different married people I knew. Which would be most likely to advise me—the man or the woman? It would be no use to seek advice; every case is different, I said. If anybody were to advise me it would be the man, for the problem is not so difficult for a woman. She can escape from love more easily than her lover or her husband; she can plead, and her many pleadings were considered, one by one, and how in married life the solution that seems to lovers so difficult is solved by marriage itself, by propinquity. But not always, not always. The question is one of extraordinary interest and importance; more marriages come to shipwreck, I am convinced, on this very question than upon any other. In the divorce cases published we read of incompatibility of temper and lack of mutual tastes, mere euphemisms that deceive nobody. The image of a shipwreck rose up in me naturally. She will return, and like a ship our love for each other will be beaten on these rocks and broken. We shall not be able to get out to sea. She will return, and when she returns her temperament will have to be adjusted to mine, else she will lose me altogether, for men have died of love, though Shakespeare says they haven't. Manet and Daudet—both died of love; and the somewhat absurd spectacle of a lover waiting for his mistress to return, and yet dreading her returning, was constantly before me.
It often seemed to me that it was my own weakness that created our embarrassment. A stronger man would have been able to find a way out, but I am not one that can shape and mould another according to my desire; and when she returned from Italy I found myself more helpless than ever, and I remember, and with shame, how, to avoid being alone with her, I would run down the entire length of a train, avoiding the empty carriages, crying Not here, not here! at last opening the door of one occupied by three or four people, who all looked as if they were bound for a long journey. I remember, too, how about this time I came with friends to see Stella, whether by accident or design, frankly I know not; I only know that I brought many friends to see her, thinking they would interest her.
If you don't care to come to see me without a chaperon, I would rather you didn't come at all, she said, humiliating me very deeply.
It seemed to me, I answered, blushing, that you would like to see ——, and I mentioned the name of the man who had accompanied me.
If I am cross sometimes it is because I don't see enough of you.
It seems to me that it was then that the resolve hardened in my heart to become her friend ... if she would allow me to become her friend. But in what words should I frame my request and my apology? All the time our life was becoming less amiable, until one evening I nipped the quarrel that was beginning, stopping suddenly at the end of the avenue.
It is better that we should understand each other. The plain truth is that I must cease to be your lover unless my life is to be sacrificed.
Cease to be my lover!
That is impossible, but a change comes into every love story.
The explanation stuttered on. I remember her saying: I don't wish you to sacrifice your life. I have forgotten the end of her sentence. She drew her hand suddenly across her eyes. I will conquer this obsession.
A man would have whined and cried and besought and worried his mistress out of her wits. Women behave better than we; only once did her feelings overcome her. She spoke to me of the deception that life is. Again we were standing by the gate at the end of the chestnut avenue, and I remembered her telling me how a few years ago life had seemed to hold out its hands to her; her painting and her youth created her enjoyment.
But now life seems to have shrivelled up, she said; only a little dust is left.
Nothing is changed, so far as you and I are concerned. We see each other just the same.
I am no more to you than any other woman.
She went away again to Italy to paint and returned to Ireland, and one day she came to see me, and remained talking for an hour. I have no memory of what we said to each other, but a very clear memory of our walk through Dublin over Carlisle Bridge and along the quays. I had accompanied her as far as the Phoenix Park gates, and at the corner of the Conyngham Road, just as I was bidding her goodbye, she said:
I want to ask your advice on a matter of importance to me.
And to me, for what is important to you is equally important to me.
I am thinking, she said, of being married.
At the news it seems to me that I was unduly elated and tried to assume the interest that a friend should.