Fourth and final part at the same time tomorrow.
Series Page - Read 10 weeks ahead on Patreon - Read the story so far on Royal Road
*
Chapter Twelve - The Blacksmith's Boy (Part Three)
Clouds. Black, moving, twisting like rope. His head ached. His blood was hot as flame. Fire flashed in the clouds, and the old stormtower gleamed. The Old Man stared back at him from the gloom, eyes carving at his skin. You could have warned me. He taunted him. Smoke bled around his shoulders, and his skin melted away. Cal tried to look away, but it was too late. The fire was on him, and the sky filled his eyes with black water, smothering his breath.
*
He gasped, pain searing down his spine, and choked on his own breath, spluttering.
‘Get him up.’
‘I’ve got him.’
Lokk’s voice. Cal felt a hand curling underneath one of his arms, lifting his aching jaw off the floorboards. Pain shot down his back again, and he cried out, eyes spinning. Then there was another hand beneath him, and he was lifted groaning away from the floor. They lowered him carefully into a chair, and he fell against it, skin stinging, panting through gritted teeth.
‘What happened to him?’
‘Had a wolf at ‘im, by the looks of it!’
‘Don’t be a fool! No wolves in these woods.’
‘Believe in magic, but not in wolves?’
Cal groaned again.
‘Shut it, all of you!’
Cal blinked again, and the Innkeep’s rosy cheeks coalesced into the air before his eyes, looking down at him worriedly. Lokk was at his shoulder, wide-eyed, his mop of lank hair hanging loosely over his forehead. Someone had put the door to, and it was suddenly very quiet. Cal took a breath.
‘What happened, boy?’ The Innkeep asked him. Beyond his shoul-ders, Cal could see the faces of a half-dozen patrons, blinking back at him with wide eyes. All except Old Godry, who looked mildly irritated. Outside, the storm wailed helplessly against the thatching, and thunder rumbled against the hills, more distant, now. Cal held his breath, craning his ears. But the footsteps were gone. He swallowed.
‘There were…’ He hesitated, glancing towards the door. ‘I… fell.’
‘Down half the Teeth by the looks of it!’ Lokk pointed at his arms. ‘What were you doing out in this?’
Cal blinked, looking down. His arms were crisscrossed with dozens of bloody cuts, and his shirt was hanging off him in strings. He frowned, shrugging, and then winced as fire raced over his skin, and fell back against the chair, gasping.
‘Thought… Thought I had time to get back.’
‘Damned fool.’ Carel told him, appearing beside her father. She had a pail of steaming water under one arm, and a bundle of rags in the oth-er. ‘Got to clean those before they rot.’
‘I’m fi-’
‘That’s enough talking.’ The Innkeep told him. ‘Or I’ll want coin for the cloth.’
Cal thought better of arguing.
‘Saw a fair few mugs go over.’ The Innkeep turned towards the rest of the room, smiling reassuringly. ‘I’ll fetch a new barrel. This one’s on the house.’
A few grumbles of approval from the assembled regulars. They were all watching him. He could feel their eyes on him, prying, poking. Sen-sible boys know better than to go wandering in a storm. They’d always thought the Blacksmith’s stray was cracked. Same as his master. Godry seemed to have let his irritation go at the promise of free ale, but Cal spotted the butcher’s brute of a son, Petr, sneering back at him over the rim of his mug. He lowered his eyes. They thought him mad. Maybe they were right. Behind his eyes, the shadows were still chasing him through endless trees, clawing at his heels. But the door stayed closed, and there was no sound beyond it but the storm. Maybe he was losing his mind.
‘Quite the show, that was.’ Lokk grinned as his father went off to find the barrel. Carel rolled her eyes, pulling up another chair and set-ting about dampening the cloth. ‘Barely seen you in weeks, then you show up all bloody an’ panting like a wolf that’s got in with the chick-ens? You always knew how to make an entrance.’
Cal grunted. He didn’t feel like explaining himself. Wasn’t sure he could, even if he did.
‘Scared off the new folk, too.’ Lokk nodded towards an empty table in the far corner of the room, scattered with discarded mugs.
Cal blinked. ‘What?’
‘Had some of Solen’s new hands in tonight.’ Lokk told him offhand-edly, scratching his chin. ‘Quiet lot. Must have given them quite the fright. Saw themselves out sharpish.’
‘What did… hnngg.’ Cal clamped his teeth together with a groan as Carel pressed one of the rags against his bloody forearm.
‘Stay still.’ She told him, wiping the cloth slowly across his skin. It felt like someone was stripping his flesh with a wood plane. Cal clenched his jaw, forcing himself not to yelp. Lokk lounged idly against the bar beside him, sweeping his loose hair back from his forehead un-tidily.
‘Interrupted Godry, too.’ His friend went on, clearly unperturbed by his suffering. ‘Old goat hates being interrupted.’
Cal grunted again. The little clump of patrons seemed to have lost interest in him, now, turning back to their mugs as the Innkeep moved deftly through the tables, a little cask under his arm. Petr and his father were sitting glowering at no one in particular. Forley and his young wife Priss looked taken aback, and not the least bit shaken, by the un-expected turn of events the evening had taken, but the dour-faced min-ers beside them (whose names Cal did not know) seemed to have paid Cal’s entrance no heed at all. Old Godry was sitting patiently, firelight knotting over his scarred cheeks, waiting for his cue. Soon their mugs were full again, and the foolishness of the Blacksmith’s stray was quite forgotten. The Innkeep set the empty cask down somewhere behind the bar, and went off to find another barrel. Cal gritted his teeth as Carel went on with her work, eyes watering, and watched the villagers blur indifferently by the fire.
‘You weren’t finished, Godry.’ Albin, the butcher began, taking a long swig from his mug. ‘’bout to tell us how the wizard farted out his storm to save the savages.’
Cal saw Forley roll his eyes. ‘You know damned well where we were! Tell us about Arolf!’
Albin scowled, opening his mouth to retort, but Godry regained his composure in time to step in.
‘Aerolf, Forley.’ He corrected patiently.
‘Aerolf, then.’ The young shepherd agreed, rolling his eyes. ‘What happened next?’
‘Well, like I was saying, old King Talor’s already met his end, but them Northmen weren’t done yet. That beast Aerolf most of all.’ Godry began, lowering his voice and eyeing his audience conspiratorially. ‘He had a score to settle, see. This weren’t the kind of man to let a woman run from him, you understand.’
‘Serves him right.’ Albin grumbled. ‘Couldn’t keep her in his bed, even with a sword on her.’
The two miners snorted in agreement, and Petr just kept scowling. Cal flinched as Carel drew her rag over a particularly deep cut. He caught her eye reproachfully, and she smiled slyly.
‘Oops.’
She was very close, he realised, and he could feel the heat of her against his cut-thread skin. Another night, he might even have enjoyed it.
‘So there they was, dead King and all. Could of had the throne for hisself, right then.’ The old miner continued gravely. ‘But he was more animal than man. Mad as a beast, they say, big as a bear, covered head to toe in blood, cut up like an old buck. And this beast had a taste for blood.’
The little circle of villagers leaned a little closer in their seats, eye-ing Godry eagerly. Cal realised he was listening along with them.
‘So off he goes, bloody magic blade in hand.’ Godry held out his hand like a blade, scowling at them over the fire. ‘He finds that place where old King Talor locked up his pretty young daughter. And what’d’you think he does when he finds it?’
‘Kills her.’ Forley whispered.
‘That’s right, boy.’ Godry nodded, dropping his arm. ‘Heard it said he clawed the tower door open with his bare hands. Dragged her out in-to that garden, butchered her right there in the grass, threw her off that big rock of theirs like an old ham. This weren’t a man you run from. If he couldn’t have her, no one could.’
‘How’d they kill him, then?’ Albin asked, frowning.
‘Well, see now. Northmen ain’t the only one with monsters.’ Godry said craftily, raising one patchwork brow. ‘Dekar’s a sharp one. He’d realised what was afoot, by now. Rallied the King’s Men, drove the scum back out of the King’s hall. Weren’t a man amongst them left standing, save the ones in the garden. But for Aerolf and them, he saved his best killer.’
‘The Bloodless.’ Forley murmured.
‘The Bloodless.’ Godry agreed. ‘Biggest woman you’ve ever seen. Big as a wagon, skin like blue snow. They say there’s nought but ice in them veins, and if you cut her, she don’t bleed.’
‘And I’ve got rocks for balls.’ Albin snorted.
‘Might as well, for all the good they do you.’ Godry snapped back at him. ‘But the Bloodless finds the traitor. Right there in that garden, all covered in the Princess’s blood. Cuts Aerolf down, throws him from the walls after her, him and his magic sword. Almost killed that Stonesplitter dog, too, whilst she were at it. Weren’t no easy thing though; gets her head cut open like a peach for its trouble. Should’ve died, right there. Would’ve, if not for those… other types Dekar had took up with.’
‘‘Least the traitor was dead.’
‘Aye, that he was. That Heartspire’s taller than a mountain. Say there weren’t nothing left of him but mulch, once he got to the bottom. Him and the princess both.’
‘Makers have mercy.’ Forley murmured, making the sign of the Nine over his breast. Even Albin took another mouthful of ale.
‘Weren’t no mercy. A beast don’t deserve none.’ Godry said sober-ly, following Forley and drawing a circle over his chest. ‘If he couldn’t ‘ave her, no one could.’
Cal barely heard them. He felt drained, as though the cuts had bled the weight from his bones. He floated just above his chair in a haze, and the roomed blurred and swayed as if through shallow water. Carel went about her work quietly, carefully, and the pain of it washed over him in raw waves, until the pail of water at her feet was stained an ugly pink.
‘Dekar had a plan though!’ Forley whispered excitedly, his rever-ence forgotten. ‘Tell ‘em, Godry!’
‘That he did, Forley.’ Godry smiled, his scarred face contorting gro-tesquely. ‘See, that Dekar’s sharp as a carving knife. Took up Taylor’s magic sword, led the King’s Men himself. But that weren’t all. Had some of his men kept back, from down West. Big men. Hard men. Came on the Northmen camp in the dead of night. Surrounded ‘em.’
‘Weren’t just any men, I hears it.’ Albin grumbled.
‘Here we go!’ Forley snorted.
‘Said it yourself, Godry. Dekar took up with them religious types.’ Albin shot back, frowning indignantly. ‘Everyone knows it.’
‘Religious? Masks don’t keep the Makers.’ Forley spat. ‘Ain’t noth-ing but bandits dressed up like monks.’
Cal blinked.
‘Brothers ain’t got no Gods save the Darkness.’ Priss murmured qui-etly. ‘You say Nine, I say eight.’
‘All the same.’ Albin was saying, folding his arms over his mug. ‘Brothers are useful, and good old Dekar didn’t sniff at them like you do.’
‘That’s enough, Alb.’ Godry interrupted. ‘He’s still our King, even all the way out here.’
Cal opened his mouth, straightening in his seat, but Carel pushed him back down again tutting.
‘Sit still.’
‘But-’
‘Hardly our King anymore, anyways.’ Albin spat. ‘Not like it used to be. Valia’s for the lowlanders.’
‘You sounds like a Northman.’ Forley scowled.
‘Or one of the Elahi.’ Priss added. Albin bristled, and Godry jumped in just in time.
‘Doesn’t matter. All Dekar’s hard men never got to the Northmen camp.’ The grizzled old smelter went on. ‘Seems old Isandur weren’t done yet.
Cal gritted his teeth. His head ached, and his mouth tasted like smoke.
Albin spat at his feet, sneering. ‘Isandur my arse.’
‘Let him be, Alb.’ Forley told him.
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as the butcher and his son fixed Forley with their most angry of looks. Then Godry cleared his throat noisily, and Petr shoved himself to his feet and stalked off to-wards the bar, snatching up their empty mugs as he went.
‘But Isandur is a crafty one, and no mistake. Showed up just in time, as always. What he wanted from it, no man can say. Them Chosen are scheming sorts, what ones is left. Us mortals couldn’t guess what they’s thinkin’.’ He paused, nodding knowingly. ‘Storm-tamers, they call ‘em. He spoke the words, and the sky opened. Biggest storm you’ve ever seen. Caught Dekar’s men as they came. Scattered ‘em like wheat in a gale.’
Petr aimed a crooked smile at Carel as he passed, and she lowered her eyes. Cal barely noticed. He no longer heard Godry. The room around him seemed very far away. Was he awake? Or was he dream-ing?
‘Northerners took the chance. Fled faster than the wind what chased them. Them that were still on the rock, them what murdered and killed our King?’ Godry went on, shaking his head sadly. ‘Them he called the wind itself for, and carried them away before Dekar could get at them. Aerolf’s brother, among them. King of the North, he goes by now. Couple of other Northmen, too. Stonesplitter cut almost in half by the Bloodless’ blade.’
Albin spat on the floor, and the miners scowled. No right-minded Valian liked this part, magic or not. Cal ground his teeth.
‘That Chosen bastard let the King get his throat slit, then shows up to save his killers.’ Albin cursed.
‘Makers know why. Not been seen since.’ Godry agreed. ‘Back they went, anyway, back to the rest of the savages as they fled like dogs. Storm was so heavy, river banks burst behind them, flooded half the valley.’
Cal’s heart was pounding in his ears, and his skull was ringing. Out-side, the wind whined over the thatching, howling at the broken clouds.
‘Don’t matter how many men Dekar had. Or how many Brothers. Ain’t no one swimming in mail.’
Cal forced his eyes shut. Black Ones. A storm. Falling.
‘Cal?’
He opened his eyes, blinking into the firelight, and found Carel look-ing down at him worriedly.
‘Does it hurt?’ She was asking softly.
‘What… no, I’m fine.’ He told her, blinking again. ‘I need to…’
‘Stay here.’ She told him, lifting up the bloody pail. ‘I need more cloth.’
She turned on her heel and disappeared. Cal’s head spun.
‘… already scared off the new folk with all these tall stories.’ Albin was saying. ‘Storm’s just a storm. Forge boy knows.’
Cal blinked, lurching unsteadily to his feet. Asking questions, the Innkeep had said. His vision blurred unsteadily, and the room stared back at him, wobbling like a top.
‘Cal, you need to sit down.’ Lokk told him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
Cal blinked. His eyes stopped spinning, and the ache in his head had vanished. The wind had moved on overhead, and the air was thick with smoke and heat. The little group of patrons were eyeing him curiously. All save the butcher.
‘Listen to him boy, before you hurt yourself.’ Albin sneered back at him.
‘Come on, Cal. Ignore him.’ Lokk murmured in his ear.
Cal swallowed, meeting the swarthy butcher’s eye for a moment. Then he let himself be steered backward, slumping into his seat like an empty sack.
‘Must have lost more blood than I thought.’ Lokk told him, pulling up a chair beside him and tutting. ‘Want to pick a fight with Albin as well as that storm?’
‘What?’ Cal mumbled, blinking. The butcher had gone back to his drink, and the other villagers had gone with him, grumbling amongst themselves about the practicalities of storm-tamers and treacherous, magical old men. He took a breath. ‘I wasn’t. I-’
‘Sure looked like you were. You know Alb. Just his way. Didn’t mean anything by it.’
‘Lokk, when did the new folk leave?’
‘What? Oh… I told you. Right after you turned up. Spooked ‘em good, you did, all bloody like a fresh ham…’
‘Where did they go?’
‘How should I know? Had my hands full peeling you off the floor. Why d’you care, anyway?’
‘Lokk, I need to…’
‘Oh, no you don’t! You aren’t going anywhere. Need to rest.’ His friend told him, pinning him to his chair by his shoulders. ‘Look like you fell down half the Teeth face first.’
‘I…’ Cal began, lowering his voice. His head was clearing, and the room was no longer spinning like a leaf. Beside the fire, the other pa-trons were still bickering emptily. The storm had passed, and the ache of it was clearing from his battered skull. ‘I didn’t just fall. Something was chasing me.’
‘What are you talking about? You crack your head, too?’
‘Lokk, listen. There were…’
‘Let go!’
They both looked up at the sudden commotion from beside the bar. Carel had just made it out from behind it with a fresh pail of steaming water before Petr had cornered her, bulky shoulders blocking the way forward like a stubborn bullock. He had one meaty hand curled around Carel’s wrist, and she had her eyes fixed on the floor. Cal was on his feet before Lokk could say anything.
‘Let go of her.’
The big youth let go of Carel’s wrist, and the pail fell abruptly back to her side, spilling steaming water across the floor. She looked at it distantly, frowning.
‘Or what, you little shit?’ The butcher’s son grumbled throatily, turning slowly around to facing Cal, glaring down at him with rheumy-eyes. His words had the imprecise edge of drink to them, and his breath smelled of sour ale. ‘Gonna throw yourself down a fucking hill at me?’
‘Just leave her be, Petr.’ Lokk added from Cal’s shoulder.
‘Mind your own business.’ The big youth snorted, still glaring at Cal darkly. ‘Sit down before you hurt yourself, stray.’
He began to turn back to Carel. Lokk put a hand on Cal’s shoulder, and Cal ignored him.
‘Leave her be.’ He said again.
‘Or what?’ Petr snarled back, lurching around again, wiping spittle from the corner of his mouth. ‘Going to bleed on me?’
‘It’s fine, Cal. No harm done.’ Carel said quietly from beside the bar, eyes still on the ground. ‘Sit down, let me finish with your cuts.’
‘You heard her. Be a good little foundling and sit down like she says.’
Cal swallowed. Petr was nearly a head taller than he was, and his arms were thick, corded with miner’s work. But there would be no avoiding it now, and he didn’t have the patience to let it be, that night. The big youth was drunk, and spoiling for a fight. Cal glanced back over his shoulder, but the other patrons were bickering loudly beside the fire, oblivious, or indifferent, or both. The Innkeep was still in the back somewhere, tapping a new barrel. Strike first. Strike hard. Cal shifted his feet slightly, readying himself. His head had cleared, and his pain was far away. The moment of calm was on him. A blink in time. The room faded away, vibrating with stillness. There was only his breath. In, and out. He waited.
‘Nothing to say? Suppose a dead whore can’t teach her cunt son any manners.’
Cal moved quickly, uncoiling like a bowstring. He burst forward off his hind leg, bunching his fist towards Petr’s slab of a jaw. The butch-er’s son had no chance to react. How could he? Cal moved with the ease of a seasoned brawler, hard limbs whipping like clubs. Lokk’s arm slipped from his shoulder. He was already halfway across the distance between them before Petr could even blink.
His boot splashed, skidded, slid. The water. Cal blinked, lost bal-ance, and slid wildly into Petr’s chest. His head thudded into the other boy, and he staggered back, confused, dazed. Petr blinked down at him, cogs turning slowly in his ale-slowed mind. Then a broad grin spread across the big youth’s jaw.
‘Should’ve listened, stray.’

Fourth and final part at the same time tomorrow.
Previous Chapter - Read 10 weeks ahead on Patreon - Read the story so far on Royal Road
*
Chapter Twelve - The Blacksmith's Boy (Part Three)

Clouds. Black, moving, twisting like rope. His head ached. His blood was hot as flame. Fire flashed in the clouds, and the old stormtower gleamed. The Old Man stared back at him from the gloom, eyes carving at his skin. You could have warned me. He taunted him. Smoke bled around his shoulders, and his skin melted away. Cal tried to look away, but it was too late. The fire was on him, and the sky filled his eyes with black water, smothering his breath.
*
He gasped, pain searing down his spine, and choked on his own breath, spluttering.
‘Get him up.’
‘I’ve got him.’
Lokk’s voice. Cal felt a hand curling underneath one of his arms, lifting his aching jaw off the floorboards. Pain shot down his back again, and he cried out, eyes spinning. Then there was another hand beneath him, and he was lifted groaning away from the floor. They lowered him carefully into a chair, and he fell against it, skin stinging, panting through gritted teeth.
‘What happened to him?’
‘Had a wolf at ‘im, by the looks of it!’
‘Don’t be a fool! No wolves in these woods.’
‘Believe in magic, but not in wolves?’
Cal groaned again.
‘Shut it, all of you!’
Cal blinked again, and the Innkeep’s rosy cheeks coalesced into the air before his eyes, looking down at him worriedly. Lokk was at his shoulder, wide-eyed, his mop of lank hair hanging loosely over his forehead. Someone had put the door to, and it was suddenly very quiet. Cal took a breath.
‘What happened, boy?’ The Innkeep asked him. Beyond his shoulders, Cal could see the faces of a half-dozen patrons, blinking back at him with wide eyes. All except Old Godry, who looked mildly irritated. Outside, the storm wailed helplessly against the thatching, and thunder rumbled against the hills, more distant, now. Cal held his breath, craning his ears. But the footsteps were gone. He swallowed.
‘There were…’ He hesitated, glancing towards the door. ‘I… fell.’
‘Down half the Teeth by the looks of it!’ Lokk pointed at his arms. ‘What were you doing out in this?’
Cal blinked, looking down. His arms were crisscrossed with dozens of bloody cuts, and his shirt was hanging off him in strings. He frowned, shrugging, and then winced as fire raced over his skin, and fell back against the chair, gasping.
‘Thought… Thought I had time to get back.’
‘Damned fool.’ Carel told him, appearing beside her father. She had a pail of steaming water under one arm, and a bundle of rags in the other. ‘Got to clean those before they rot.’
‘I’m fi-’
‘That’s enough talking.’ The Innkeep told him. ‘Or I’ll want coin for the cloth.’
Cal thought better of arguing.
‘Saw a fair few mugs go over.’ The Innkeep turned towards the rest of the room, smiling reassuringly. ‘I’ll fetch a new barrel. This one’s on the house.’
A few grumbles of approval from the assembled regulars. They were all watching him. He could feel their eyes on him, prying, poking. Sensible boys know better than to go wandering in a storm. They’d always thought the Blacksmith’s stray was cracked. Same as his master. Godry seemed to have let his irritation go at the promise of free ale, but Cal spotted the butcher’s brute of a son, Petr, sneering back at him over the rim of his mug. He lowered his eyes. They thought him mad. Maybe they were right. Behind his eyes, the shadows were still chasing him through endless trees, clawing at his heels. But the door stayed closed, and there was no sound beyond it but the storm. Maybe he was losing his mind.
‘Quite the show, that was.’ Lokk grinned as his father went off to find the barrel. Carel rolled her eyes, pulling up another chair and setting about dampening the cloth. ‘Barely seen you in weeks, then you show up all bloody an’ panting like a wolf that’s got in with the chickens? You always knew how to make an entrance.’
Cal grunted. He didn’t feel like explaining himself. Wasn’t sure he could, even if he did.
‘Scared off the new folk, too.’ Lokk nodded towards an empty table in the far corner of the room, scattered with discarded mugs.
Cal blinked. ‘What?’
‘Had some of Solen’s new hands in tonight.’ Lokk told him offhandedly, scratching his chin. ‘Quiet lot. Must have given them quite the fright. Saw themselves out sharpish.’
‘What did… hnngg.’ Cal clamped his teeth together with a groan as Carel pressed one of the rags against his bloody forearm.
‘Stay still.’ She told him, wiping the cloth slowly across his skin. It felt like someone was stripping his flesh with a wood plane. Cal clenched his jaw, forcing himself not to yelp. Lokk lounged idly against the bar beside him, sweeping his loose hair back from his forehead untidily.
‘Interrupted Godry, too.’ His friend went on, clearly unperturbed by his suffering. ‘Old goat hates being interrupted.’
Cal grunted again. The little clump of patrons seemed to have lost interest in him, now, turning back to their mugs as the Innkeep moved deftly through the tables, a little cask under his arm. Petr and his father were sitting glowering at no one in particular. Forley and his young wife Priss looked taken aback, and not the least bit shaken, by the unexpected turn of events the evening had taken, but the dour-faced miners beside them (whose names Cal did not know) seemed to have paid Cal’s entrance no heed at all. Old Godry was sitting patiently, firelight knotting over his scarred cheeks, waiting for his cue. Soon their mugs were full again, and the foolishness of the Blacksmith’s stray was quite forgotten. The Innkeep set the empty cask down somewhere behind the bar, and went off to find another barrel. Cal gritted his teeth as Carel went on with her work, eyes watering, and watched the villagers blur indifferently by the fire.
‘You weren’t finished, Godry.’ Albin, the butcher began, taking a long swig from his mug. ‘’bout to tell us how the wizard farted out his storm to save the savages.’
Cal saw Forley roll his eyes. ‘You know damned well where we were! Tell us about Arolf!’
Albin scowled, opening his mouth to retort, but Godry regained his composure in time to step in.
‘Aerolf, Forley.’ He corrected patiently.
‘Aerolf, then.’ The young shepherd agreed, rolling his eyes. ‘What happened next?’
‘Well, like I was saying, old King Talor’s already met his end, but them Northmen weren’t done yet. That beast Aerolf most of all.’ Godry began, lowering his voice and eyeing his audience conspiratorially. ‘He had a score to settle, see. This weren’t the kind of man to let a woman run from him, you understand.’
‘Serves him right.’ Albin grumbled. ‘Couldn’t keep her in his bed, even with a sword on her.’
The two miners snorted in agreement, and Petr just kept scowling. Cal flinched as Carel drew her rag over a particularly deep cut. He caught her eye reproachfully, and she smiled slyly.
‘Oops.’
She was very close, he realised, and he could feel the heat of her against his cut-thread skin. Another night, he might even have enjoyed it.
‘So there they was, dead King and all. Could of had the throne for hisself, right then.’ The old miner continued gravely. ‘But he was more animal than man. Mad as a beast, they say, big as a bear, covered head to toe in blood, cut up like an old buck. And this beast had a taste for blood.’
The little circle of villagers leaned a little closer in their seats, eyeing Godry eagerly. Cal realised he was listening along with them.
‘So off he goes, bloody magic blade in hand.’ Godry held out his hand like a blade, scowling at them over the fire. ‘He finds that place where old King Talor locked up his pretty young daughter. And what’d’you think he does when he finds it?’
‘Kills her.’ Forley whispered.
‘That’s right, boy.’ Godry nodded, dropping his arm. ‘Heard it said he clawed the tower door open with his bare hands. Dragged her out into that garden, butchered her right there in the grass, threw her off that big rock of theirs like an old ham. This weren’t a man you run from. If he couldn’t have her, no one could.’
‘How’d they kill him, then?’ Albin asked, frowning.
‘Well, see now. Northmen ain’t the only one with monsters.’ Godry said craftily, raising one patchwork brow. ‘Dekar’s a sharp one. He’d realised what was afoot, by now. Rallied the King’s Men, drove the scum back out of the King’s hall. Weren’t a man amongst them left standing, save the ones in the garden. But for Aerolf and them, he saved his best killer.’
‘The Bloodless.’ Forley murmured.
‘The Bloodless.’ Godry agreed. ‘Biggest woman you’ve ever seen. Big as a wagon, skin like blue snow. They say there’s nought but ice in them veins, and if you cut her, she don’t bleed.’
‘And I’ve got rocks for balls.’ Albin snorted.
‘Might as well, for all the good they do you.’ Godry snapped back at him. ‘But the Bloodless finds the traitor. Right there in that garden, all covered in the Princess’s blood. Cuts Aerolf down, throws him from the walls after her, him and his magic sword. Almost killed that Stonesplitter dog, too, whilst she were at it. Weren’t no easy thing though; gets her head cut open like a peach for its trouble. Should’ve died, right there. Would’ve, if not for those… other types Dekar had took up with.’
‘‘Least the traitor was dead.’
‘Aye, that he was. That Heartspire’s taller than a mountain. Say there weren’t nothing left of him but mulch, once he got to the bottom. Him and the princess both.’
‘Makers have mercy.’ Forley murmured, making the sign of the Nine over his breast. Even Albin took another mouthful of ale.
‘Weren’t no mercy. A beast don’t deserve none.’ Godry said soberly, following Forley and drawing a circle over his chest. ‘If he couldn’t ‘ave her, no one could.’
Cal barely heard them. He felt drained, as though the cuts had bled the weight from his bones. He floated just above his chair in a haze, and the roomed blurred and swayed as if through shallow water. Carel went about her work quietly, carefully, and the pain of it washed over him in raw waves, until the pail of water at her feet was stained an ugly pink.
‘Dekar had a plan though!’ Forley whispered excitedly, his reverence forgotten. ‘Tell ‘em, Godry!’
‘That he did, Forley.’ Godry smiled, his scarred face contorting grotesquely. ‘See, that Dekar’s sharp as a carving knife. Took up Taylor’s magic sword, led the King’s Men himself. But that weren’t all. Had some of his men kept back, from down West. Big men. Hard men. Came on the Northmen camp in the dead of night. Surrounded ‘em.’
‘Weren’t just any men, I hears it.’ Albin grumbled.
‘Here we go!’ Forley snorted.
‘Said it yourself, Godry. Dekar took up with them religious types.’ Albin shot back, frowning indignantly. ‘Everyone knows it.’
‘Religious? Masks don’t keep the Makers.’ Forley spat. ‘Ain’t nothing but bandits dressed up like monks.’
Cal blinked.
*‘*Brothers ain’t got no Gods save the Darkness.’ Priss murmured quietly. ‘You say Nine, I say eight.’
‘All the same.’ Albin was saying, folding his arms over his mug. ‘Brothers are useful, and good old Dekar didn’t sniff at them like you do.’
‘That’s enough, Alb.’ Godry interrupted. ‘He’s still our King, even all the way out here.’
Cal opened his mouth, straightening in his seat, but Carel pushed him back down again tutting.
‘Sit still.’
‘But-’
‘Hardly our King anymore, anyways.’ Albin spat. ‘Not like it used to be. Valia’s for the lowlanders.’
‘You sounds like a Northman.’ Forley scowled.
‘Or one of the Elahi.’ Priss added. Albin bristled, and Godry jumped in just in time.
‘Doesn’t matter. All Dekar’s hard men never got to the Northmen camp.’ The grizzled old smelter went on. ‘Seems old Isandur weren’t done yet.
Cal gritted his teeth. His head ached, and his mouth tasted like smoke.
Albin spat at his feet, sneering. ‘Isandur my arse.’
‘Let him be, Alb.’ Forley told him.
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as the butcher and his son fixed Forley with their most angry of looks. Then Godry cleared his throat noisily, and Petr shoved himself to his feet and stalked off towards the bar, snatching up their empty mugs as he went.
‘But Isandur is a crafty one, and no mistake. Showed up just in time, as always. What he wanted from it, no man can say. Them Chosen are scheming sorts, what ones is left. Us mortals couldn’t guess what they’s thinkin’.’ He paused, nodding knowingly. ‘Storm-tamers, they call ‘em. He spoke the words, and the sky opened. Biggest storm you’ve ever seen. Caught Dekar’s men as they came. Scattered ‘em like wheat in a gale.’
Petr aimed a crooked smile at Carel as he passed, and she lowered her eyes. Cal barely noticed. He no longer heard Godry. The room around him seemed very far away. Was he awake? Or was he dreaming?
‘Northerners took the chance. Fled faster than the wind what chased them. Them that were still on the rock, them what murdered and killed our King?’ Godry went on, shaking his head sadly. ‘Them he called the wind itself for, and carried them away before Dekar could get at them. Aerolf’s brother, among them. King of the North, he goes by now. Couple of other Northmen, too. Stonesplitter cut almost in half by the Bloodless’ blade.’
Albin spat on the floor, and the miners scowled. No right-minded Valian liked this part, magic or not. Cal ground his teeth.
‘That Chosen bastard let the King get his throat slit, then shows up to save his killers.’ Albin cursed.
‘Makers know why. Not been seen since.’ Godry agreed. ‘Back they went, anyway, back to the rest of the savages as they fled like dogs. Storm was so heavy, river banks burst behind them, flooded half the valley.’
Cal’s heart was pounding in his ears, and his skull was ringing. Outside, the wind whined over the thatching, howling at the broken clouds.
‘Don’t matter how many men Dekar had. Or how many Brothers. Ain’t no one swimming in mail.’
Cal forced his eyes shut. Black Ones. A storm. Falling.
‘Cal?’
He opened his eyes, blinking into the firelight, and found Carel looking down at him worriedly.
‘Does it hurt?’ She was asking softly.
‘What… no, I’m fine.’ He told her, blinking again. ‘I need to…’
‘Stay here.’ She told him, lifting up the bloody pail. ‘I need more cloth.’
She turned on her heel and disappeared. Cal’s head spun.
‘… already scared off the new folk with all these tall stories.’ Albin was saying. ‘Storm’s just a storm. Forge boy knows.’
Cal blinked, lurching unsteadily to his feet. Asking questions, the Innkeep had said. His vision blurred unsteadily, and the room stared back at him, wobbling like a top.
‘Cal, you need to sit down.’ Lokk told him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
Cal blinked. His eyes stopped spinning, and the ache in his head had vanished. The wind had moved on overhead, and the air was thick with smoke and heat. The little group of patrons were eyeing him curiously. All save the butcher.
‘Listen to him boy, before you hurt yourself.’ Albin sneered back at him.
‘Come on, Cal. Ignore him.’ Lokk murmured in his ear.
Cal swallowed, meeting the swarthy butcher’s eye for a moment. Then he let himself be steered backward, slumping into his seat like an empty sack.
‘Must have lost more blood than I thought.’ Lokk told him, pulling up a chair beside him and tutting. ‘Want to pick a fight with Albin as well as that storm?’
‘What?’ Cal mumbled, blinking. The butcher had gone back to his drink, and the other villagers had gone with him, grumbling amongst themselves about the practicalities of storm-tamers and treacherous, magical old men. He took a breath. ‘I wasn’t. I-’
‘Sure looked like you were. You know Alb. Just his way. Didn’t mean anything by it.’
‘Lokk, when did the new folk leave?’
‘What? Oh… I told you. Right after you turned up. Spooked ‘em good, you did, all bloody like a fresh ham…’
‘Where did they go?’
‘How should I know? Had my hands full peeling you off the floor. Why d’you care, anyway?’
‘Lokk, I need to…’
‘Oh, no you don’t! You aren’t going anywhere. Need to rest.’ His friend told him, pinning him to his chair by his shoulders. ‘Look like you fell down half the Teeth face first.’
‘I…’ Cal began, lowering his voice. His head was clearing, and the room was no longer spinning like a leaf. Beside the fire, the other patrons were still bickering emptily. The storm had passed, and the ache of it was clearing from his battered skull. ‘I didn’t just fall. Something was chasing me.’
‘What are you talking about? You crack your head, too?’
‘Lokk, listen. There were…’
‘Let go!’
They both looked up at the sudden commotion from beside the bar. Carel had just made it out from behind it with a fresh pail of steaming water before Petr had cornered her, bulky shoulders blocking the way forward like a stubborn bullock. He had one meaty hand curled around Carel’s wrist, and she had her eyes fixed on the floor. Cal was on his feet before Lokk could say anything.
‘Let go of her.’
The big youth let go of Carel’s wrist, and the pail fell abruptly back to her side, spilling steaming water across the floor. She looked at it distantly, frowning.
‘Or what, you little shit?’ The butcher’s son grumbled throatily, turning slowly around to facing Cal, glaring down at him with rheumy-eyes. His words had the imprecise edge of drink to them, and his breath smelled of sour ale. ‘Gonna throw yourself down a fucking hill at me?’
‘Just leave her be, Petr.’ Lokk added from Cal’s shoulder.
‘Mind your own business.’ The big youth snorted, still glaring at Cal darkly. ‘Sit down before you hurt yourself, stray.’
He began to turn back to Carel. Lokk put a hand on Cal’s shoulder, and Cal ignored him.
‘Leave her be.’ He said again.
‘Or what?’ Petr snarled back, lurching around again, wiping spittle from the corner of his mouth. ‘Going to bleed on me?’
‘It’s fine, Cal. No harm done.’ Carel said quietly from beside the bar, eyes still on the ground. ‘Sit down, let me finish with your cuts.’
‘You heard her. Be a good little foundling and sit down like she says.’
Cal swallowed. Petr was nearly a head taller than he was, and his arms were thick, corded with miner’s work. But there would be no avoiding it now, and he didn’t have the patience to let it be, that night. The big youth was drunk, and spoiling for a fight. Cal glanced back over his shoulder, but the other patrons were bickering loudly beside the fire, oblivious, or indifferent, or both. The Innkeep was still in the back somewhere, tapping a new barrel. Strike first. Strike hard. Cal shifted his feet slightly, readying himself. His head had cleared, and his pain was far away. The moment of calm was on him. A blink in time. The room faded away, vibrating with stillness. There was only his breath. In, and out. He waited.
‘Nothing to say? Suppose a dead whore can’t teach her cunt son any manners.’
Cal moved quickly, uncoiling like a bowstring. He burst forward off his hind leg, bunching his fist towards Petr’s slab of a jaw. The butcher’s son had no chance to react. How could he? Cal moved with the ease of a seasoned brawler, hard limbs whipping like clubs. Lokk’s arm slipped from his shoulder. He was already halfway across the distance between them before Petr could even blink.
His boot splashed, skidded, slid. The water. Cal blinked, lost balance, and slid wildly into Petr’s chest. His head thudded into the other boy, and he staggered back, confused, dazed. Petr blinked down at him, cogs turning slowly in his ale-slowed mind. Then a broad grin spread across the big youth’s jaw.
‘Should’ve listened, stray.’

Saturday, May 27 - Friday, June 02

New Videos

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7	1 comments	[New Video] Fly Anakin - Things Change feat. Demae	[Sp] [AM] [BC] [SC]
5	0 comments	[New Video] Rasheed Chappell - Show You How
3	0 comments	[New Video] Ransom - Rise Of the Machines [Official Video] Directed by George "G Town" Rodriguez

New Songs

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7	2 comments	[New] Eto x V Don - OATH OF OMERTÁ [Official Audio]	[AM] [Dzr]
3	0 comments	[New] Grafh and KXNG Crooked – Chew Em Up
3	0 comments	[New] Planet Asia x 38 Spesh ft. A Plus Tha Kid & The Musalini - Upscale
3	0 comments	[New] kurious - Tis the Season

Classic

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8	3 comments	[Classic] Boogie Down Productions - My Philosophy (Extended Version)	[Sp] [AM] [Dzr] [SC]
7	1 comments	[Classic] Big L - Flamboyant (May 30, 1974 – February 15, 1999)🕯️	[Sp] [AM] [Dzr] [SC]
6	1 comments	[Classic] MC Shan - MC Space	[Sp] [AM] [Dzr] [SC]
4	0 comments	[Classic] EPMD - You Gots To Chill (1988 Fresh/Sleeping Bag)
2	0 comments	[Classic] DJ Hot Day with Super Kids - Go Queensbridge

Interviews

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6	0 comments	[Interview] Conway the Machine Interview - Juan Ep is Life

Freestyle

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6	1 comments	[Freestyle] Nickelus F, Noah-O, Koncept Jack$on, Henny Lo, Radio B, Zuri, Micheal Millions, RICHMOND, VA Cypher 1

Live

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6	1 comments	[live] T La Rock and Mantronix - Breaking Bells (Live In London)	[Sp] [SC]

BeatsNRhymes

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8	0 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] MEYHEM LAUREN featuring SEAN PRICE - 'GROWN MAN PALETTES'
7	1 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] Matt Maddox - Free Reign feat. Tone Spliff prod. by Nohokai	[Sp] [AM]
7	0 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] Tragedy Khadafi ft. Starvin B & Royal Flush - Lazarus Pit	[SC]
6	2 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] Nas - Queensbridge Politics (Prod. by Pete Rock)	[Sp] [AM] [Dzr] [SC]
5	0 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] Nowaah The Flood & El Maryacho - Keep Teaching

RiddemNVibes

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3	0 comments	[RiddemNVibes] Junior Reid - Jail House & Prince Jammy - Crowning Of Prince Jammy	[SC]
3	0 comments	[RiddemNVibes] Scientist - Upper Cut
3	1 comments	[RiddemNVibes] Barrington Levy - Na Broke No Fight Over Woman	[Sp] [AM] [Dzr] [SC]

beats

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4	0 comments	[Beats] Black Milk - Is It Just Me?

Throwback

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7	1 comments	[Throwback] Erick Sermon - Stay Real	[Sp] [BC] [Dzr] [SC]
6	1 comments	[Throwback] Mobb Deep - Street Life	[AM] [SC]
5	0 comments	[Throwback] The UMC's - Swing It To The Area
4	0 comments	[Throwback] Eric B & Rakim - Untouchables
4	0 comments	[Throwback] Wake Up Show Anthem '94 - Ras Kass, Lauryn Hill, Nas, Pharoahe Monch, Prince Po, Saafir, Shyheim, Chino XL, Dred Scott

Bombin

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4	0 comments	[Bombin] Teenagers From Uranus - Serf, Mint, Goal, Lions, Host18, Katsu, Resk, Rate Tv, Tonek, Dr.Sex, etc..

Fact

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7	0 comments	[Hip Hop Fact] Boogie Down Productions Released Their Second LP 'By All Means Necessary' 35 Years Ago

Top Remaining

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5	0 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] Willie The Kid Feat. Action Bronson - Cork Fee
5	1 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] V DON x eto – Influence (feat. Willie The Kid)
5	1 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] Black Moon - Ease Back feat. Method Man & General Steele	[Sp] [AM] [SC]
4	0 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] XP The Marxman, DJ Rhettmatic & D-Styles - Get At A God
4	1 comments	[BeatsNRhymes] BudaMunk & ILL Conscious - Fislisbach	[Sp] [AM] [BC]

I've shared fiction here before and it didn't go altogether too poorly, so I'm going to press my luck and do it again. This was written about a year ago, and I'm tired of trying to peddle it to lit magazines. Might as well share it here, know that it met a few eyeballs, and have done with it.
It's relevant to the sub insofar as it's about urban alienation and the working conditions at a small business run by IN THIS HOUSE WE BELIEVE people. (I tried to pitch it as a story of the great resignation with a momentary flicker of cosmic horror.) It's based on a similar job I took on after getting laid off during the lockdown, and the circumstances of the main character's breakup are faintly similar to one I went through several years back (her job sucked the life out of her).
Without further ado:
* * *
It was getting close to midnight, and the temperature outside was still above 80 degrees. We’d locked up the shop at 10:15 and walked over to Twenty, the dive bar on Poplar Street, where a single wall-mounted air conditioner and four wobbly ceiling fans weren’t putting up much resistance against the July heat baking the place from the outside and the dense mass of bodies giving it a stifling fever from within.
Just now I came close to saying it was a Wednesday night, because that was usually when the cyclists descended upon Avenue Brew, the gritty-but-bougie craft beer and sandwich shop I was working at back then. Every Wednesday between March and November, about fifteen to twenty-five Gen Xers dressed in skintight polyester, all packages and camel toes and fanny packs, locked up their thousand-dollar bikes on the sidewalk and lined up for IPAs and paninis. They reliably arrived around 8:00, an hour before we closed, making it impossible to get started on the closing checklist and leave on time at 10:00. The worst of them were demanding and rude, and even the best got raucous and stubborn after a couple drinks. There were nights when bringing in the sidewalk tables couldn’t be done without arguing with them. Most were sub-par tippers, to boot.
After Wednesday came and went that week without so much as a single 40-something in Ray Bans and padded shorts stopping in to double-fist two cans of Jai Alai, we dared to hope the cyclists had chosen another spot to be their finish line from there on out. But no—they’d only postponed their weekly ride, and swarmed us on Friday night instead.
I was the last person to find out; I was clocked in as purchaser that evening. The position was something like a promotion I'd received a year earlier: for twenty hours a week, I got to retreat from the public and sit in the back room with the store laptop, reviewing sales and inventory, answering emails from brewery reps, and ordering beer, beverages, and assorted paper goods. When I put in hours as purchaser, my wage went up from $11 to $15 an hour, but I was removed from the tip pool. On most days, tips amounted to an extra two or three dollars an hour, so I usually came out ahead.
This was back in 2021. I don't know what Avenue Brew pays these days.
Anyway, at about 8:15, I stepped out to say goodbye to everyone and found the shop in chaos. Friday nights were generally pretty active, the cyclists' arrival had turned the place into a mob scene. The line extended to the front door. The phone was ringing. The Grubhub tablet dinged like an alarm clock without a snooze button. Danny was on the sandwich line and on the verge of losing his temper. Oliver was working up a sweat running food, bussing tables, and replenishing ingredients from the walk-in. The unflappable Marina was on register, and even she seemed like she was about to snap at somebody.
What else could I do? I stayed until closing to answer the phone, process Grubhub orders, hop on and off the second register, and help Danny with sandwich prep. After the tills were counted out, I stayed another hour to take care of the dishes, since nobody had a chance to do a first load. Oliver was grateful, even though he grumbled about having to make some calls and rearrange Sunday's schedule so I could come in a couple hours late. Irene and Jeremy, Avenue Brew's owners, would kick his ass if he let me go into overtime.
Danny suggested that we deserved a few drinks ourselves after managing to get through the shift without killing anyone. Not even Marina could find a reason to disagree with him.
The neighborhood had undergone enough gentrification to support an upscale brunch spot, an ice cream parlor, a gourmet burger restaurant, a coffee and bahn mi shop, and Avenue Brew (to name a few examples), but not yet quite enough that the people who staffed them couldn’t afford to live within a ten-minute walk from the main avenue where all these hep eateries stood between 24-hour corner stores with slot machines in back, late-night Chinese and Mexico-Italian takeout joints with bulletproof glass at the counters, and long-shuttered delis and shoe stores. Twenty on Poplar was the watering hole set aside for people like us. It was dim, a bit dilapidated, and inexpensive, and usually avoided by denizens of the condos popping up on the vacant lots and replacing clusters of abandoned row houses.
When we arrived, Kyle waved us over. He didn’t work at Avenue Brew anymore, but still kept up with a few of us. He was at Twenty at least four nights out of the week.
So there we all were. I sat with a brooding stranger freestyling to himself in a low mumble on the stool to my left and Oliver on my right, who tapped at his phone and nursed a bottle of Twisted Tea. To Oliver’s right sat Marina, staring at nothing in particular and trying to ignore Danny, who stood behind her, closer than she would have liked, listening to Kyle explain the crucial differences between the Invincible comic book and the Invincible web series.
I recall being startled back to something like wakefulness when it seemed to me that the ceiling had sprouted a new fan. I blinked my eyes, and it wasn’t there anymore. It reminded me of an incident from when I was still living with my folks in South Jersey and still had a car, and was driving home from a friend’s house party up in Bergen County. It was 6:30 AM, I hadn’t slept all night, and needed to get home so I could get at least little shuteye before heading to Whole Foods for my 11:00 AM shift. I imagined I passed beneath the shadows of overpasses I knew weren’t there, and realized I was dreaming at the wheel.
I was pretty thoroughly zombified at that point. Heather and I had broken up for good the night before, and I hadn't gotten even a minute of sleep. Calling out at Avenue Brew was tough. Unless you found someone willing to cover your shift on like six hours' notice, you were liable to get a writeup, a demotion, or your hours cut if you couldn't produce a doctor's note. So I loaded up on caffeine pills and Five-Hour Energy bottles at the corner store, and powered through as best I could.
I finished the last thimbleful of Blue Moon in my glass. Oliver wiped the sweat from the back of his neck with a napkin and covered his mouth to stifle a laugh at the KiwiFarms thread he was scrolling through. Pool balls clacked; somebody swore and somebody laughed. The TouchTunes box was playing Bob Dylan’s “Rain Day Woman #12 & 35,” and enough bleary 40-something men around the bar were bobbing their heads and mouthing the words to make it impossible to determine which one of them paid two bucks to hear it. A guy by the cigarette machine who looked like a caricature of Art Carney in flannel and an old Pixies T-shirt was accosting a woman who must have been a toddler when he hit drinking age, and she momentarily made eye contact with me as she scanned the area for a way out. Danny was shouting over the bartender’s head, carrying on a conversation with the Hot Guy from Pizza Stan’s, who was sitting on the horseshoe’s opposite arm.
I never got his name, but when Oliver first referred to him as the Hot Guy from Pizza Stan’s, I knew exactly who he meant. Philly scene kid par excellence. Mid-20s, washed-out black denim, dyed black hair, thick bangs, and dark, gentle eyes. He was only truly alluring when he was on the job, because he seldom smiled then—and when he smiled, he broke the spell by exposing his teeth, stained a gnarly shade of mahogany from too much smoking and not enough brushing.
“How’s Best? Marcus still a joker?” Danny asked him.
“Yeah, you know Marcus. You know how he is.”
So the Hot Guy had been working at Best Burger (directly across the street from Avenue Brew) ever since Pizza Stan’s owners mismanaged the place unto insolvency. (Afterwards it was renovated and reopened as a vegan bakery—which incidentally closed down about a month ago.) Danny used to work at Best Burger, but that ended after he got into a shouting match with the owner. I happened to overhear it while I was dragging in the tables and collecting the chairs from the sidewalk the night it happened. It wasn’t any of my business, and I tried not to pay attention, but they were really tearing into each other. A month later, Oliver welcomed Danny aboard at Avenue Brew. I hadn’t known he’d been interviewed, and by then it was too late to mention the incident. But I’d have been a hypocrite to call it a red flag after the way I resigned from my position as Café Chakra's assistant manager two years earlier—not that we need to go dredging that up right now. Let's say there was some bad blood and leave it at that.
Anyway, I was thinking about giving in and buying a pack of cigarettes from the machine—and then remembered that Twenty didn’t have a cigarette machine. I looked again. The Art Carney-lookalike was still there, fingering his phone with a frown, but the girl was gone—and so was the cigarette machine.
I had only a moment to puzzle over this before Danny clapped me on the shoulder and thrust a shot glass in front of me.
“Starfish!” he said. (Danny called me Starfish. Everybody else called me Pat.) “You look like you need some juice.”
He distributed shots to everyone else. Marina declined hers, but changed her mind when Kyle offered to take it instead.
She and Kyle had stopped sleeping together after Kyle left Avenue Brew to work at the Victory taproom on the Parkway, but Marina was still concerned about his bad habits, which Danny delighted in encouraging.
We all leaned in to clink our glasses. Before I could find an appropriate moment to ask Marina if I could bum a cigarette, she got up to visit the bathroom. Danny took her seat and bowed his head for a conspiratorial word with Kyle.
I watched from the corner of my eye and tried to listen in. Like Marina, I was a little worried about Kyle. He got hired at Avenue Brew around the same time I did, just before the pandemic temporarily turned us into a takeout joint. He was a senior at Drexel then, an English major, and sometimes talked about wanting to either find work in publishing or carve out a career as a freelance writer after graduating. But first he intended to spend a year getting some life in before submitting himself to the forever grind.
He read a lot of Charles Bukowski and Hunter Thompson. He relished the gritty and sordid, and had already been good at sniffing it out around the neighborhood and in West Philly before Danny introduced him to cocaine, casinos, strip clubs, and a rogue’s gallery of shady but fascinating people. (None were really Danny’s friends; just fellow passengers who intersected with the part of his life where he sometimes went to Parx, sometimes came out ahead, sometimes spent his winnings on coke, and sometimes did bumps at titty bars.) Kyle recounted these adventures with a boyish enthusiasm for the naked reality of sleaze, like a middle schooler telling his locker room buddies about catching his older brother in flagrante and seeing so-and-so body parts doing such-and-such things.
Marina hated it. She never said as much to me, but she was afraid that the template Kyle set for his life during his “year off” was in danger of becoming locked in. The anniversary of his graduation had already passed, and now here he was trying to convince Danny to contribute a couple hundred dollars toward a sheet of acid his guy had for sale. He wasn't doing much writing lately.
I was the oldest employee at Avenue Brew (as I write this I’m 37, but fortunately I don’t look it), and when Kyle still worked with us I felt like it was my prerogative to give him some advice. The longer he waited to make inroads, I once told him, the more likely he’d be seen as damaged goods by the publishing world. He needed to jam his foot in the door while he was still young.
I could tell the conversation bored him, and didn’t bring up the subject again.
The bartender took my glass and curtly asked if I’d like another drink.
“No thanks, not yet,” I answered.
She slid me my bill.
I missed the old bartender, the one she’d replaced. I forget her name, but she was ingenuous and energetic and sweet. Pretty much everyone had some sort of crush on her. Sometimes she came into Avenue Brew for lunch, and tipped us as well as we tipped her. Maybe three months before that night—Danny witnessed it—she suddenly started crying and rushed out the door. Everyone at the bar mutely looked to each other for an explanation. (Fortunately for Twenty, the kitchen manager hadn’t left yet, and picked up the rest of her shift.)
She never came back. None of us had seen her since. But drafts still had to be poured and bottlecaps pulled off, and now here was another white woman in her mid-twenties wearing a black tank top, a pushup bra, and a scrunchie, same as before. Twenty’s regulars grew accustomed to not expecting to see the person she’d replaced, and life went on.
“How’re you doing?” I asked Oliver, just to say something to somebody, and to keep my thoughts from wandering back to Heather.
“Just kind of existing right now,” he answered. His phone lay face-up on the counter. He was swiping through Instagram, and I recognized the avatar of the user whose album he hate-browsed.
“And how’s Austin been?” I asked.
“Oh, you know. Not even three weeks after getting over the jetlag from his trip back from the Cascades, he’s off touring Ireland.” He shook his head. “Living his best life.”
He’d hired Austin on a part-time basis in September. We needed a new associate when Emma was promoted to replace a supervisor who'd quit without even giving his two weeks. There was a whole thing. I'm having a hard time recalling the guy's name, but I liked him well enough. He was a good worker and he seemed like a bright kid, but he was—well, he was young. Naïve. One day he found Jeremy sitting in the back room with his laptop, and took advantage of the open-door policy to ask why the store manager and supervisors didn’t get health benefits or paid time off. Jeremy told him it "was being worked on," and that he couldn’t discuss it any further at that time. I understand the kid got argumentative, though I never knew precisely what was said.
Irene started visiting the shop a lot more often after that, almost always arriving when the kid was working. No matter what he was doing, she’d find a reason to intervene, to micromanage and harangue him, and effectively make his job impossible. A coincidence, surely.
It’s something I still think about. By any metric, Jeremy and Irene have done very well for themselves. They’re both a little over 40 years old. I remember hearing they met at law school. In addition to Avenue Brew, they own a bistro in Francisville and an ice cream parlor in Point Breeze. They have a house on the Blue Line, send their son to a Montessori school, and pull up to their businesses in a white Volkswagen ID.4. But whenever the subject of benefits, wages, or even free shift meals came up, they pled poverty. It simply couldn’t be done. But they liked to remind us about all they did to make Avenue Brew a fun place to work, like let the staff pick the music and allow Oliver and me to conduct a beer tasting once a day. They stuck Black Lives Matter, Believe Women, and Progress flag decals on the front door and windows, and I remember Irene wearing a Black Trans Lives Matter shirt once or twice when covering a supervisor's shift. None of the college students or recent graduates who composed most of Avenue Brew's staff could say the bosses weren't on the right team. And yet...
I'm sorry—I was talking about Austin. He was maybe 30 and already had another job, a “real” job, some sort of remote gig lucrative enough for him to make rent on a studio in the picturesque Episcopal church down the street that had been converted into upscale apartments some years back. Austin wasn’t looking for extra cash. He wanted to socialize. To have something to do and people to talk to in the outside world. He wanted to make friends, and all of us could appreciate that—but it’s hard to be fond of a coworker who irredeemably sucks at his job. Austin never acted with any urgency, was inattentive to detail, and even after repeated interventions from Oliver and the supervisors, he continued to perform basic tasks in bafflingly inefficient ways. Having Austin on your shift meant carrying his slack, and everyone was fed up after a few months. Oliver sat him down, told him he was on thin ice, and gave him a list of the areas in which he needed to improve if he didn’t want to be let go.
When Austin gave Oliver the indignant “I don’t need this job” speech, it was different from those times Danny or I told a boss to go to hell and walked out. Austin truly didn’t need it. He basically said the job was beneath him, and so was Oliver.
It got deep under Oliver’s skin. He did need the job and had to take it seriously, even when it meant being the dipshit manager chewing out a man four or five years his senior. He earned $18 an hour (plus tips when he wasn’t doing admin work), had debts to pay off, and couldn't expect to get any help from his family.
The important thing, though, the part I distinctly remember, was that Oliver was looking at a video of a wading bird Austin had recorded. An egret, maybe. White feathers, long black legs, pointy black beak. Austin must have been standing on a ledge above a creek, because he had an overhead view of the bird as it stood in the water, slowly and deliberately stretching and retracting its neck, eyeing the wriggling little shadows below. As far as the fish could know, they were swimming around a pair of reeds growing out of the silt. The predator from which they extended was of a world beyond their understanding and out of their reach.
The video ended. Oliver moved on to the next item: a photograph of the bird from the same perspective, with a fish clamped in its beak. Water droplets flung from the victim's thrashing tail caught the sunlight. And I remember now, I clearly remember, the shapes of like twelve other fish stupidly milling about the bird's feet, unperturbed and unpanicked.
Danny peered at Oliver’s phone and observed a resemblance between the bird—its shape and bearing, and the composition of the photograph—and a POV porn video shot from behind and above, and he told us so. Elaborately. He made squawking noises.
“And mom says I’m a degenerate,” Oliver sighed. “Can you practice your interspecies pickup artist shit somewhere else?” Oliver flicked his wrist, shooing Danny off, and held his phone in front of his face to signal that he was done talking.
Danny sagged a little on his stool and turned away. I sometimes felt bad for him. For all his faults, he had the heart of a puppy dog. He really did think of us as his tribe. There was nobody else who’d only ever answer “yes” when you asked him to pick up a shift, and he did it completely out of loyalty.
He was turning 29 in a week. I wondered how many people would actually turn out to celebrate with him at the Black Taxi. Kyle probably would—but even he regarded Danny more as a source of vulgar entertainment than a friend.
Then it happened again. When I turned to speak to Oliver, there’d been a pair of pool cues leaning side-by-side against the wall a few stools down. Now they were gone.
This time it might have been my imagination. Somebody passing by could have casually snatched them up and kept walking.
But a moment later I seemed to notice a second TouchTunes box protruding from the wall directly behind me. I let it be.
Marina returned from the bathroom. Danny rose and offered her back her seat with an exaggerated bow. Before she got settled, I asked if she’d like to step outside with me. She withdrew her pack of Marlboro Menthols from her canvas bag, which she left sitting on the stool to deter Danny from sitting back down.
Marina never minded letting me bum cigarettes from time to time. I couldn’t buy them for myself anymore; it’s a habit I could never keep under control, and was only getting more expensive. Like everything else in the world. About once a month I reimbursed her by buying her a pack.
The air out on the sidewalk was as hot as the air inside Twenty, but easier to breathe. After lighting up, Marina leaned against the bricks and sighed.
“I wish Oliver would fire Danny already and get it over with.”
I nodded. Marina rarely talked about anything but work.
“He sneaks drinks and doesn't think anyone notices he's buzzed,” she went on. “He steals so much shit and isn’t even a little subtle about it. He’s going to get Oliver in trouble. And he’s a creep.”
“Yeah,” I said. These were her usual complaints about Danny, and they were all true. “At least he’s better than Austin.”
“That’s a low bar.”
Three dirt bikes and an ATV roared down the lonely street, charging through stop sign after stop sign, putting our talk on hold.
“Remind me. You’ve got one semester left, right?” I asked after the noise ebbed.
“Yep.”
Marina was a marketing major at Temple. She’d had an internship during the spring semester, and her boss told her to give her a call the very minute she graduated. Her parents in central Pennsylvania couldn’t pay her rent or tuition for her, so she was a full-time student and a full-time employee at Avenue Brew. Her emotional spectrum ranged from "tired" to "over it." She’d been waiting tables and working at coffee shops since she was seventeen, had no intention of continuing for even a day longer than she had to, and feared the escape hatch would slam shut if she dallied too long after prying it open.
She’d considered majoring in English, like Kyle. She went for marketing instead. I couldn’t blame her.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “You’ve been kind of off all day.”
“I’m terrible.”
“Why?”
I gave dodgy answers, but she asked precisely the right follow-up questions to get me going about what happened with Heather the night before.
It was the new job. Before the pandemic, Heather worked as a server at a Center City bar and grill. (That's where I met her; we were coworkers for about a year, and then I left to work Café Chakra because it was quieter and closer to where I lived.) When the place closed its doors and laid everyone off during the lockdown, she got a stopgap job at the Acme on Passyunk, and hated it. Then in March, she found a bar-and-lounge gig in a ritzy hotel on Broad Street. Very corporate. Excellent pay, great benefits. Definitely a step up. But her new employers made Irene and Jeremy look like Bob and Linda Belcher by comparison. It was the kind of place where someone had recently gotten herself fired for leaving work to rush to the hospital after getting the news that her grandmother was about to be taken off life support, and not finding someone to come in and cover the last two hours of her shift.
Heather seldom worked fewer than fifty-five hours a week, and her schedule was even more erratic than mine. At least once a week she left the hotel at 1:00 or 2:00 AM and returned at 9:00 the next morning. Neither of us could remember the last time she’d had two consecutive days off, and it had been over a month since one of mine overlapped with one of hers. She’d spent it drinking alone at home. All she wanted was some privacy.
I’d biked to South Philly to meet her when she got home at 1:30. The argument that killed our relationship for good began around 2:30, when I complained that we never had sex anymore. Heather accused me of only caring about that, when she was so exhausted and stressed that her hair was falling out in the shower. Quit the job? She couldn’t quit. The money was too good. She had student loans, medical bills, and credit card debt, and for the first time in her life she could imagine paying it all off before hitting menopause.
So, yeah, I was cranky about our sex life being dead in the water. Say whatever you like. But at that point, what were we to each other? We did nothing together anymore but complain about work before one or both of us fell asleep. That isn’t a relationship.
She said my hair always smelled like sandwiches, even after bathing, and she was done pretending it didn’t turn her off. I told her she was one to talk—she always reeked of liquor. As things escalated, we stopped caring if her roommates heard us. “You want to be a father?” she shouted around 4:00 AM. “Making what you make? That poor fucking kid.”
We fought until sunrise, and I left her apartment with the understanding that I wouldn’t be coming back, wouldn’t be calling her ever again. I biked home and sat on the steps facing the cement panel that was my house’s backyard. After my phone died and I couldn’t anaesthetize myself with dumb YouTube videos or make myself feel crazy staring at the download button for the Tinder app, I watched the sparrows hopping on and off the utility lines for a while.
At 11:40 I went inside. One of my roommates was already in the shower, so the best I could do was put on a clean Avenue Brew T-shirt before walking to the shop and clocking in at noon to help deal with the lunch rush.
“That’s a lot,” Marina finally said. “Sorry.”
I don’t know what I was expecting her to say. She was sixteen years my junior, after all, and just a coworker. She didn’t need to hear any of this, and I definitely didn't need to be telling her. But who else was there to tell?
She’d already finished her cigarette. I still had a few puffs left. She went inside.
I decided to call it a night.
The second TouchTunes box was gone—naturally. Danny had taken my stool, and regarded my approach with a puckish you snooze you lose grin. I wasn’t going to say anything. I’d just pay my bill, give everyone a nod goodnight, and walk the five blocks back home.
And then Danny disappeared.
One second, he was there. The next—gone.
Danny didn’t just instantaneously vanish. Even when something happens in the blink of an eye, you can still put together something of a sequence. I saw him—I seemed to see him—falling into himself, collapsing to a point, and then to nothing.
You know how sometimes a sound is altogether inaudible unless you’re looking at the source—like when you don’t realize somebody’s whispering at you, and can then hear and understand them after they get your attention? I think that was the case here. I wouldn't have known to listen if I hadn't seen it happen. What I heard lingered for two, maybe three seconds, and wasn't any louder than a fly buzzing inside a lampshade. A tiny and impossibly distant scream, pitchshifted like a receding ambulance siren into a basso drone...
I don’t know. I don’t know for sure. I’m certain I remember a flash of red, and I have the idea of Danny’s trunk expanding, opening up as it imploded. A crimson flower, flecked white, with spooling pink stalks—and Danny’s wide-eyed face above it, drawn twisting and shrinking into its petals.
For an instant, Twenty’s interior shimmered. Not shimmered, exactly—glitched would be a better word. If you’re old enough to remember the fragmented graphics that sometimes flashed onscreen when you turned on the Nintendo without blowing on the cartridge, you’ll have an idea of what I mean. It happened much too fast, and there was too much of it to absorb. The one clear impression I could parse was the mirage of a cash register flickering upside-down above the pool table.
Not a cash register. The shape was familiar, but the texture was wrong. I think it was ribbed, sort of like a maggot. I think it glistened. Like—camo doesn’t work anymore when the wearer stops crouching behind a bush and breaks into a run. Do you get what I’m saying?
Nobody else seemed to notice. The pool balls clacked. A New Order track was playing on the TouchTunes box. A nearby argument about about Nick Sirianni continued unabated.
Finally, there was a downward rush of air—and this at least elicited a reaction from the bartender, who slapped my bill to keep it from sailing off the counter.
“Danny,” I said.
“Danny?” Kyle asked me quietly. His face had gone pale.
“Danny?” Oliver repeated in a faraway voice.
After a pause, Kyle blinked a few times. “You heard from him?”
“God forbid,” said Marina. “When he quit I was like, great, I can keep working here after all.”
“Oh, come on—”
“Kyle. Did I ever show you those texts he sent me once at three in the morning?” The color had returned to Oliver’s face.
“No, what did he say?”
Oliver tapped at his phone and turned the screen toward Kyle.
“Oh. Oh, jeez.”
“Right? Like—if you want to ask me something, ask me. You know? Don’t be weirdly accusatory about it…”
I pulled a wad of fives and ones from my pocket, threw it all onto the counter, and beelined for the exit without consideration for the people I squeezed through and shoved past on the way.
I heard Marina saying “let him go.”
I went a second consecutive night without sleep. Fortunately I wasn’t scheduled to come in the next day.
The schedule. It’s funny. Oliver was generally great at his job, and even when he wasn’t, I cut him a lot of slack because I knew Irene and Jeremy never gave him a moment’s peace. But I could never forgive him those times he waited until the weekend to make up and distribute the schedule. This was one of those weeks he didn’t get around to it until Saturday afternoon. When I found it in my inbox, Danny’s name wasn’t anywhere on it.
As far as I know, nobody who hadn’t been at Twenty that night asked what happened to him. We were a bit overstaffed as it was, and everyone probably assumed Danny was slated for the chopping block. The part-timers were, for the most part, happy to get a few additional hours.
Oliver abruptly quit around Labor Day after a final acrimonious clash with the owners. I never found out the details, and I never saw him again. Jeremy and Irene took turns minding the store while a replacement manager was sought. None of the supervisors would be pressured into taking the job; they knew from Oliver what they could expect.
About three weeks after Oliver left, I came in for my purchasing shift and found Jeremy waiting for me in the back room. I knew it was serious when he didn’t greet me with the awkward fist-bump he ordinarily required of his male employees.
“You’ve seen the numbers,” he said. Business for the summer had fallen short of expectations, it was true, and he and Irene had decided to rein in payroll expenses. My purchaser position was being eliminated. Its responsibilities would be redistributed among the supervisors and the new manager, when one was found. In the meantime, I'd be going back to the regular $11 an hour (plus tips of course) associate position full-time.
Jeremy assured me I'd be first in the running for supervisor the next time there was an opening.
I told him it was fine, I was done, and if he’d expected the courtesy of two weeks’ notice, he shouldn’t have blindsided me like that.
“Well, that’s your choice,” he answered, trying not to look pleased. His payroll problem was solving itself.
I racked up credit card debt for a few months. Applied for entry-level museum jobs that might appreciate my art history degree. Aimed for some purchasing and administrative assistant gigs, and just for the hell of it, turned in a resume for a facilitator position at an after-school art program. Got a few interviews. All of them eventually told me they’d decided to go in a different direction. I finally got hired to bartend at Hops from Underground, a microbrewery on Fairmount.
I’m still there. The money’s okay, but it fluctuates. Hours are reasonable. I’m on their high-deductible health plan. There’s a coworker I’ve been dating. Sort of dating. You know how it goes. In this line of work you get so used to people coming and going that you learn not to get too attached. I walk past Avenue Brew a few times a week, but stopped peering in through the window when I didn't recognize the people behind the counter anymore.

Why does my drinking Bud Light offend you?
May 30, 2023 4:39 pm • Last Updated: May 30, 2023 4:41 pm
By Mike DiMauro
Day Assistant Sports Editor
[[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
News item: Anthony Bass, a pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays, shared a video Monday via Instagram endorsing an anti-LGBTQ boycott of brands such as Target and Bud Light.

"Here's the reason biblically why I believe Christians have gotta be boycotting Target, Bud Light, and any other corporation that's pushing the things they're pushing,” Bass said. “I think a lot of people make this into a political issue, or they say, 'Oh, what's the big deal?’

“This is evil, this is demonic, we won't stand for it, we're not going to go to the stores anymore and we're not going to give you our money.”

It would be impolite to wish that Mr. Bass, who throws a ball for a living, blows out his elbow. Perhaps then he could simply blow it out his tailpipe.

Because I’ve grown tired of sanctimonious and hypocritical moral outrage over what Target and Bud Light are “pushing,” while it’s permissible that Bass and his ilk get to “push” their beliefs on the rest of us.

Example: In the last two months or so, I’ve been questioned a half dozen times in public as to why I’m drinking Bud Light. Seems people like Bass have objected to Anheuser Busch’s marketing partnership with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney. Their boycott of Bud Light has led to a decrease in sales both locally and nationally. (Local bar and restaurant owners say Bud Light sales are down almost 30 percent.)

It is their right, of course, to boycott the product. I’m just curious as to why what I’m drinking is their business. I drink Bud Light because I like it. And I’m still drinking Bud Light because I will not marginalize people based on gender, race, religion, ethnicity, or sexual orientation. I’m respectful enough to support someone else’s desire to evolve into another gender. And I’m not stupid enough to believe that my decision to drink Bud Light changes who I am or what I stand for in any possible way.

But I wonder why it’s so important for people — and the questions to me haven’t all come from men — to announce their disdain for a bottle of beer, tacitly implying their sexuality is “normal.” Remember this one and write it down: If you are truly comfortable with who you are, you needn’t announce anything to anyone.

And yet to further illustrate how screwed up this country really is, there’s this: Anheuser-Busch hasn’t merely been accused of alienating its traditional customer base with the partnership, but some LGBTQ+ campaigners have also criticized the company for not defending its ties with Mulvaney.

Amid all the finger-pointing and fear-fanning, the truth hides in the corner, too scared to emerge. The truth is that we are supposed to think critically, weigh evidence from both sides and then make up our own minds. Instead, we’ve become a country hell bent on legislating whatever cause we think is right and just, while burying the other side from all consideration.

It’s political tribalism. All or nothing. One side or the other. If you’re not in agreement with every morsel of the transgender movement, you are a snarling, hating, infidel. If you’re not in total agreement with Anthony Bass and his beliefs, you’re going to wither in hell.

But what if — and hold on to your ascots here — two conflicting positions can still be true? Example: What if I support Bud Light’s decision to use a transgender influencer, but also believe that transgender high school athletes belong in their own division?

I disagree with the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference’s policy complying with a state law that requires all high school students be treated according to their gender identity. We should consider a sports-centric law that acknowledges sports' unique challenges and accommodates the physical component for success that exists virtually nowhere else in society.

Sex discrimination in education, health care, housing and financial credit have no place in this country. But we must — must — realize and accept that sports require a physical component to succeed that calls for different guidelines.

Put it this way: Applying to a school or for health care, housing or financial credit requires no physical component to succeed. Sports require speed, strength and agility and do not fit under the same umbrella. And yet sports are routinely shoved into the same arguments about unfair treatment. Injustices get piled on for rhetorical usefulness, even though they're not applicable.

The male born composition has inherent physical advantages, rare exceptions noted. But in the aggregate, there are physiologic differences between biological males and females. I don’t believe writing that makes me transphobic. We should respect a person’s pronoun of choice. But that doesn't mean we have to blindly agree with claims that are not supported by science.

Yet that appears to be the new end game in this country. Blind agreement. Their side or yours. And here I sit, sipping my Bud Light, trying to figure out why so many of us act like the last three letters of Anthony Bass’ last name.

This is the opinion of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro

Comment threads are monitored for 48 hours after publication and then closed.
READER COMMENTS
Philip BroseJune 1, 2023 at 16:30Report
Robin great points the right can’t even keep track on who to be mad at. Why are they so sensitive? I here Chick-fil-a is evil now for they “ensuring equal access,” “valuing differences,” and “creating a culture of belonging,” under the title, “Committed to being Better at Together.” what monsters!

Philip BroseJune 1, 2023 at 16:27Report
William Peter the guidance councilor?

Joseph B De La CruzJune 1, 2023 at 15:15Report
This article pretty much sums up exactly how I feel about the situation. Bud Light basically sent someone a can with her image celebrating a milestone. The fact it turned the beer into enemy number one doesn’t surprise me considering the vitriol that has become commonplace in our country. I have had plenty of private messages regarding a video I posted supporting a beer, and more importantly a human being. Most have been vehemently against my support of both and relish the chance to send me a screen shot of Bud Lights stock on a daily basis with a “Go woke, Go broke” ending. I believe much of the vitriol comes from news and talk radio which is why Spotify now fills my vehicle with music instead of talk. I ask everyone to limit their news intake to 30 minutes per day regardless of your party affiliation to center your life. Sometimes my radio will land on a “news station”, and I can feel my blood pressure rise as the most divisive topic of the day is being discussed with a majority of the facts not being considered. I am not recommending folks to ignore what’s happening in our world, but would point out that our country has survived many decades without the need for “up to the second” news reports. Most of the things we worry about will never happen and it seems our country is living in a constant state of fear which is certainly to blame for the vitriol. There will never be a point where everyone in the country will collectively say we are all happy with everything, but I still have a deep believe that with constructive conversations and true empathy we can get us close. When I get my boat in the water I would love to have an ice cold Bud Light while listening to my relaxing boat playlist, and of course talking with my favorite sports writer. That’s an invitation Mike. Great article.

Robin DaudaJune 1, 2023 at 13:41Report
“Bud Light sales are down between 26% and 35% nationwide additionally Budweiser and other AB brands (Michelob Ultra, Busch Light and Natural Light to name a few) have also taken a hit of around 11%.”

All the more reason to explain what set this off. Completely unhinged.

“My take, buy Coors stock now”
And that statement reinforces my point since Coors has been a decades long supporter of LGBT rights probably the biggest supporter (it all began with a workegay alliance boycott ironically… or not)
“Coors Light has been a sponsor of The Center and Denver PrideFest for decades,” says Rex Fuller, CEO of The Center on Colfax. “The work we have been able to do at The Center over the last four decades would not be possible without this support and we are grateful for it.”
Beyond supporting Denver PrideFest, Molson Coors has a distinguished history of supporting LGBTQ communities across the country, with significant support for organizations such as Human Rights Campaign (HRC), Matthew Shepard Foundation, National Amateur Gay Athletics Association of America, National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, LGBT Victory Institute, Out & Equal, and One Colorado.
In addition to these partners, Molson Coors works with local LGBTQ organizations in key communities through its Tap Into Change program. Annually, the summer program donates more than $100,000 to these organizations with a consistent growth in impact each year. Events take place in each city to help raise additional funds, awareness, and support for the missions of these local organizations. Over the past 10 years, Tap Into Change has raised nearly $600,000 for local LGBTQ and HIV/AIDS nonprofits.
https://denverpride.org/coors-light-supports-the-lgbtq-community/

This is even though like 2006, 2010 and 2014 they had to go through boycotts for this. And they did shrink back in response, but also came right back and didn’t move backwards for long.

And what will I do?
Continue drinking Corona because I drink what I drink.
It’s damn near impossible to do a successful boycott long term. The web of corporate connections means when you think you’re hurting one, it’s actually benefitting another one connected to it.
The beverage brand that owns Budweiser, Corona, and Stella Artois, is suing US beer-maker Constellation Brands for using the Corona brand name in a hard seltzer, according to a lawsuit filed Monday.

Beverage giant Anheuser-Busch InBev (AB InBev) acquired Corona’s parent company, Grupo Modelo, in 2013, but US antitrust regulators required it to sell the company’s US-based business to Constellation. AB InBev retained rights to the products in other markets, and the deal gave Constellation the rights to produce Corona and other Modelo brands in the US.

William PeterJune 1, 2023 at 13:36Report
The virtue signalers didn’t like my harmless comment. I guess being offended by an opposing view is reason enough to silence someone in 2023

Richard GoldenJune 1, 2023 at 12:57Report
Robin- not certain this article nor all the comments will move the needle. Bud Light sales are down between 26% and 35% nationwide additionally Budweiser and other AB brands (Michelob Ultra, Busch Light and Natural Light to name a few) have also taken a hit of around 11%. Bud Light has been the best selling beer in the USA for over 20 years and the normal volume of sales is 27 million barrels a year or 1134 million gallons. A 30% drop equals a loss of 340 million gallons a year. My take, buy Coors stock now

Chris JawakaJune 1, 2023 at 10:12Report
People are allowed to drink or not drink whatever beer they want and for whatever reason they choose. End of story.

Robin DaudaJune 1, 2023 at 09:05Report
Do people realize that Bud Light sent a pack of specially made cans with the person’s face on it and did a minute long or so bit released on like TicTok? It wasn’t some big nationwide PR campaign yet it rubbed someone the wrong way (or so they would like us to think) and it snowballed into this.

I don’t ever want to hear about people calling “the libs” snowflakes or use their center liberal stances as a weakness. These champions of “conservatives” are gullible whiny babies.

I watched in real time a bunch of idiots blow something up out of nothing and then saw them flocking to the internet people with their influencer pages and podcasts and publications where immediately they were being hawked “anti-woke” beer and all these other wares, often made by the same places they are boycotting for double the price.
There is a whole market opening up to people that will only get their businesses off the ground (temporarily for a quick cash grab) by using these outrage tactics and capitalizing (literally) on impaired brains that as Mr. DiMauro correctly observed “Blind agreement. Their side or yours”
Bless your little void of empathy and common sense hearts. Don’t spend all your money in one place now, spread the wealth to these people selling you overpriced junk.

Paul LevasseurJune 1, 2023 at 07:47Report
Mike is discussing one of this election cycles right wing culture war hot spots.
If you can’t get elected because of your governing skills you’re going to have to try to get elected by getting people angry and hateful. The right wing loves doing that. It’s their bread and butter.

TOM DONNEEJune 1, 2023 at 06:46Report
Preaching hate and preaching tolerance ARE NOT the same Evan

DANIEL STORMSJune 1, 2023 at 05:56Report
I always liked this formulation: “In the first place, what makes it any of you business? And in the second place, my reasons for saying yea to [whatever it is that offends you] are at least as valid (and maybe more so) than yours for nay. And in the third place, what makes it any of your sodding business in the first place?” I agree wholeheartedly with your plea for reason and tolerance. Not to seem argumentative but rather to add information to the discussion, though, you might be interested in this blog post from a biologist about the supposed physiologic advantages a trans man or woman has over a cis athelete: https://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/2023/05/31/we-hunted-the-rabbit/

Evan AndriopolousJune 1, 2023 at 03:10Report
For me… Bud Light as a “beer” sucks. I would rather support local breweries that provide far better beers. As far as this column… as far as AB selecting this influencer in their campaign I have no opinion on it or that person. Up to each to decide for themselves.

Regarding this column actually Mike what you are writing is basically the same as the boycott and the changes in attitudes (political divide) of the country. Often used by politicians on BOTH sides of the aisle screaming to be open, defending one´s right to choose, freedom of speech etc.. and this is the most important part..”unless it does not validate their opinion or view”. This is exactly what you are writing. So if someone elects to boycott something and we know the WOKE police and Leftists enjoy not only condemning opposing viewpoints to the point of boycotting, attacking employers for the “views” of their employees etc… and demanding they be removed from the position their are in. So if someone boycotts something let them… I would ask you… why does it offend you that others are using their constitutional right by boycotting (freedom of speech). I always respect other´s opinions and even when we do not agree. Sadly we live in a world where people are afraid to speak up due to the potential ramifications. None of us will always agree and I know the powers to be are trying to “force” us to all be uniform in our opinions which is sad. And btw Bud Light is terrible anyway… How about you focus on sports.

Benoit BenoitMay 31, 2023 at 20:12Report
Ironic you drink because you like it but will continue to drink it because “ I will not marginalize people based on gender, race, religion, ethnicity, or sexual orientation.” Not just because you like it.

William PeterMay 31, 2023 at 17:46Report
This comment has been removed for violating The Day’s commenting policy.

JAY DEMPSEYMay 31, 2023 at 16:53Report
TY Mike….. I drink Bud Light most all the time unless in Ireland…and support Levine Distributors in our area and my friends that work there. I think the cancel culture is terrible whatever your political party of choice is. Very sad that social media has done this to us. I have good friends that I can no longer talk politics with because of the “great divide” that enriches social media giants.

ROBERT WARNERMay 31, 2023 at 16:45Report
I suppose a similar question could be asked, “Why does a person wearing a MAGA hat bother some people?”

David NowakowskiMay 31, 2023 at 14:30Report
great column, Mike. I’d like to think there are far more folks who see this subject and all its nuances the way you do…but you are probably right again in saying that it is tough to go against your chosen tribe on any component, regardless of how you might actually feel. thanks again!

Andrew RogersonMay 31, 2023 at 13:33Report
Mike DiMauro – well said sir, on all counts.

Lynn YoungMay 31, 2023 at 13:28Report
Drink what you like. Be who you are. Live and let live.

Richard GoldenMay 31, 2023 at 12:36Report
Light Beer is like Sex on the Beach….****ing near water.

Paul NUNESMay 31, 2023 at 11:44Report
Does anyone remember the first light beer and the commercial featuring a slice of bread?

THOMAS MORIARTYMay 31, 2023 at 11:05Report
Richard, must have been some other brand light. Bud Light? It was probably 10 years ago. But he could have been messing with me.

Richard GoldenMay 31, 2023 at 10:17Report
Malcolm- The moral of the story is; if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Richard GoldenMay 31, 2023 at 10:16Report
Thomas- as far as I knew and as far as I can tell Guinness is the most popular beer in Ireland holding a full 25% of the market share. Bud Light does not even show up in the top ten (https://www.beer100.com/best-selling-beers-ireland/) I think the guy was pulling your leg. Bud Light only became available in Ireland in 2020.

Malcolm JulesMay 31, 2023 at 09:32Report
A corporation decided to target one of their products to a specific community and failed….end of story.

Margaret KliseMay 31, 2023 at 09:12Report
Agree/agree. Good article, Mike.

SUSAN HOTCHKISSMay 31, 2023 at 09:06Report
I always enjoy Mike’s opinion pieces. In total agreement about the transgender athlete issue.

THOMAS MORIARTYMay 31, 2023 at 09:00Report
Tom, hope all is well with your daughter.

THOMAS MORIARTYMay 31, 2023 at 08:57Report
A Bud Light story: Several years ago while in Ireland my son and I toured the Guinness brewery. Of course there’s a pub on the top floor and while getting a pint of Guinness the bar I notice several taps Bud Light. I asked the bartender “why in God’s name are you serving THAT stuff in here?” He replied that it’s the best selling beer in Ireland. Go figue!

THOMAS MORIARTYMay 31, 2023 at 08:51Report
Good column Mike. These anti “woke” zealots claim to support democracy but would be no different from the Taliban if they had their way.

Richard GoldenMay 31, 2023 at 08:42Report
All this talk of beer makes me thirsty…but I have found that drinking beer has become an unwelcome undertaking. No beer allowed at the beach, nor while night fishing in Waterford, nor surf fishing at Avery Point, nor at any state boat launch, nor is state parks- try walking down the street with a cold one….

Chris JawakaMay 31, 2023 at 08:08Report
IMO The left loves their cancel culture but gets all grumpy when the right does the same. Hey it can go both ways. That said I really don’t care about the Bud thing. Its not like they sold beer with its face on it.

Matther TookerMay 31, 2023 at 07:35Report
Thoughtful piece as always Mike. Perhaps the best offset for the 30% decrease in Bud Light sales would be a 30% increase in church attendance. I am betting that won’t happen. (Matt Tooker)

KEITH J. ROBBINSMay 31, 2023 at 06:11Report
You drinking Bud-Lite does not offend me, although it is a horrible beer. What is my concern is a guy using the ladies room that my nieces use!

TOM DONNEEMay 31, 2023 at 05:55Report
Agree Phil. Well done Mike!! Waiting for my daughter to come out of surgery. Then we’ll stop for a cold one, think I’ll make it a Bud Lite!!!

Philip BroseMay 30, 2023 at 16:59Report
Mr. DiMauro is always thoughtful and intelligent. The best writer at the day. Give the guy a raise.

For anyone in town for the summer who's looking for events to enjoy this weekend, here's 25 local events you can enjoy and participate in on Saturday & Sunday.
1. 2023 Pulaski County Spring Flea Market New River Valley Fairgrounds, Dublin Saturday, June 3, 2023 and Sunday, June 4, 2023, 7:00 AM - 5:00 PM Admission: $2.00, Kids 6 and Under: Free The Dublin Lions Club presents the 2023 Pulaski County Spring Flea Market celebrating 48 years. With over 20,000 visitors and 700 vendors spaces, more than a dozen different food vendors offering varied food options and the chance to eat a few of the famous "Lion Dogs", you will not want to miss this event. Check out vendors with crafts, antiques and more at the semi-annual Pulaski County Flea Market. Although over 100 spaces are under roof, it is a largely an outdoor event. The terrain is varied from asphalt, gravel and grass. Parking is free. All proceeds go to the Dublin Lions and their numerous community causes such as eyeglasses for the needy and hunger relief in the community. The event is rain or shine. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708165
2. Kunga Fest 2023: Two-Day Donations Yoga Festival In Balance Yoga Studio, Blacksburg Friday, June 2, 2023, 4:00 - 10:00 PM and Saturday, June 3, 2023, 8:30 AM - 5:00 PM Yoga classes and events are by donation. In Balance Yoga Studio presents their 10th Kunga Fest, a two-day Donations Yoga Festival with 100% of the donations donated to directly support the Homes of Hope Orphanage in India. Homes of Hope is a safe space for orphaned, abandoned, or trafficked young girls in India. In Balance Yoga is offering 15 donation-based classes throughout the two-day event. Hot yoga, ariel yoga, yoga classes with live music and gentle flow, are just some of the options offered. A silent auction will also be offered with bidding open until 6:00 PM on Saturday, June 3rd. Over 20 items are in the auction including a private ariel yoga session, a one-hour reiki session, an acupuncture session and more! Yoga classes and events are by donation though registration is required. Membership is not required to attend however new students will have to create an online profile in order to register. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708207
3. National Trails Day: Appalachian Trail Volunteer Trail Work Pearis Cemetary / Appalachian Trailhead Parking, Pearisburg Saturday, June 3, 2023, 9:00 AM - 4:00 PM Admission: Free The Outdoor Club at Virginia Tech is hosting Appalachian Trail Volunteer Trail Work for National Trails Day meeting at the Appalachian Trailhead Parking at Pearis Cemetary. The first Saturday of June each year is designated as National Trails Day, a day to celebrate our National Trails. There are a variety of volunteer opportunities available throughout the Trail. Essential trail maintenance helps protect natural resources and improves the hiking experience. Activities planned for the day include removing tress that have fallen across the Trail and are obstructing its path, cleaning out water bars and other trail tread structures of debris so that they can effectively divert water from the Trail and continue to help reduce erosion, as well as trimming back woody bushes that might be encroaching on the sides of the Trail. This work will be taking place on Hemlock Ridge, the stretch of Trail between the Celenese plant and Clendennin Road. There will be a shuttle planned to allow for a 3-mile hike through, performing work along the way. No previous experience required and all ages are welcome. The club will provide tools, training, and personal protective equipment. While it is free to volunteer, registration is required to ensure enough supplies will be available. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708056
4. American Red Cross Blood Drive with Brunch Meadowbrook Public Library, Shawsville Saturday, June 3, 2023, 9:00 AM - 2:00 PM Admission: Free Meadowbrook Public Library and the Meadowbrook Center hosts an American Red Cross Blood Drive. Help save a life by donating blood. Brunch will be provided for donors and they may select a used book to take home. Books compliments of Friends of the Library-Meadowbrook Chapter. The blood drive is sponsored by Craighill Masonic Lodge and Meadowbrook Library. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708083
5. CIMA Open House Christiansburg Institute Museum and Archives, Christiansburg Saturday, June 3, 2023, 10:00 AM - 2:00 PM Admission: Free Christiansburg Institute Museum & Archives staff will lead museum guests on a behind the scenes tour of our archives and explain the digitization process. Explore the history of Christiansburg Institute and African American history in Southwest Virginia. No registration is required. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708171
6. Survival Skills Workshop Series: Part 2: Edible and Medicinal Plants Pulaski County Library, Pulaski Saturday, June 3, 2023, 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM Admission: Free The Pulaski County Library continues their Survival Skills Workshop Series with "Part 2: Edible and Medicinal Plants". Learn about edible and medicinal plants and enjoy some pine needle tea. Join them to learn important survival skills from a Claytor Lake ranger. This is the second part of a four-part course that will help you to brush up our survivalist knowledge and skills. All are welcome but these will be gauged for adults. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=707463
7. 2023 Gospel Sing St. Luke and Odd Fellows Hall, Blacksburg Saturday, June 3, 2023, 12:00 - 4:00 PM Admission: Free Blacksburg Museum and Cultural Foundation presents the annual Gospel Sing. The afternoon will be filled with singing, dancing, and fellowship as six local groups including Simple Gifts, Indian Run, Glorylanders and soloists perform their favorite current and old-time gospel favorites. Food and beverage will be available for purchase. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708172
8. Historic Smithfield's June Crafters' Stitch Along Historic Smithfield, Blacksburg Saturday, June 3, 2023, 12:00 - 3:00 PM Admission: Free Historic Smithfield presents June's Crafters' Stitch Along. You don't have to stitch to participate. Bring whatever craft you would like to work on and feel free to bring your paints, pencils, hooks, yarn, needles or fabric. This event is free to attend though pre-registration is appreciated. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708189
9. Music at the Villa with Craig Vaughn Villa Appalaccia Winery, Floyd Saturday, June 3, 2023, 1:00 - 4:00 PM Admission: Free Relax and enjoy some great music along with great wine and food. Craig Vaughn is a musician that combines extraordinary musicianship with heavy-duty fun. His high energy blend of rock, blues, pop and acoustic music equals unforgettable moments for audiences. He seamlessly goes from playing Bob Marley to The Eagles to Johnny Cash to Tom Petty to Ed Sheering to Journey to Newgrass to The Steve Miller Band without missing a lick. Kids and well-behaved dogs welcome. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708180
10. Genealogy Saturdays Alexander Black House & Cultural Center, Blacksburg Saturday, June 3, 2023, 1:00 - 4:00 PM Admission: Free Ancestry experts will be on hand to assist you as you explore your family tree. Come with questions about research and discovering your roots. Join them on the first Saturday of every month for Genealogy Saturdays. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708173
11. Puzzle Swap Christiansburg Library, Christiansburg Saturday, June 3, 2023, 1:00 - 3:00 PM Admission: Free Bring your puzzles to swap for new-to-you puzzles. Please make sure that all pieces are there. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708134
12. June 2023 Cruiser Night Scoops Arcade, Pembroke Saturday, June 3, 2023, 5:00 - 8:00 PM Admission: Free Scoops Arcade continues their Cruiser Nights on Snidow Street in downtown Pembroke, VA. Show off your classic, modified, or new cars, trucks and bikes. Ride in style down the street and/or park and enjoy the atmosphere and oldies music. All vehicles and spectators are welcome. Hotdogs, corndogs, pizza, nachos, drinks and Scoops old fashion hand dipped ice cream and shakes will be available inside Scoops. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708196
13. Bobby and Blake Parker in Concert Rising Silo Farm Brewery, Blacksburg Saturday, June 3, 2023, 6:00 - 9:00 PM Admission: Free Rising Silo Farm Brewery presents Bobby and Blake Parker playing cozy folk music, blues and ragtime on 6- and 12-string guitar and more. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=707876
14. Chico and Willie in Concert Outerspace, Floyd Saturday, June 3, 2023, 6:00 - 9:00 PM Admission: Free Chico & Willie perform Americana music to make you smile outside at Outerspace. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708185
15. John McEuen & The Circle Band in Concert Floyd Country Store, Floyd Saturday, June 3, 2023, 7:00 - 10:00 PM General Admission: $38.00, Reserved Seating: $45.00 John McEuen has performed for 50 years worldwide with his banjo, fiddle, guitar, and mandolin. Often referred to as ‘the String Wizard’, he humorously weaves stories of his travels and family life (he has raised 7 kids), taking us on a multi-media show through where his musical path has taken him. A founding member of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band in 1966, John realized his teenage dream: to record with Earl Scruggs and Doc Watson. When he initiated the 1972 classic "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" album with his band the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Earl and Doc with Roy Acuff, Mother Maybelle Carter, Jimmy Martin, Merel Travis, Vassar Clements, Norman Blake gathered for an historic week in the studio. The album has been inducted in to the Library of Congress as "one of America’s most important recordings" and the Grammy Hall of Fame. John has continually performed since 1963, doing over 11,000 concerts, 300 television shows, 10,000 interviews and flown more than 4 million miles. McEuen’s rich history of creating, producing and preserving original and traditional folk music earned him the 2013 Charlie Poole Lifetime Achievement Award. He has made over 46 albums (7 solo) that have earned four platinum and five gold records, multiple Grammy Awards and nominations, CMA and ACM awards, an Emmy film score nomination, IBMA record of the year award, and performed on another 25 albums as guest artist. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=707453
16. The CC Coates Band in Concert Dogtown Roadhouse, Floyd Saturday, June 3, 2023, 8:00 - 11:00 PM Admission: $8.00 The CC Coates Band performs blues, soul and rock n roll. Sung by the real deal and backed by a hell of a band. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708190
17. 2023 Check Farm Trail Downtown Check, Check Sunday, June 4, 2023, 10:00 AM - 6:00 PM Admission: Free Floyd Country Tourism presents the 2nd Annual Check Farm Trail at seven participating farms and businesses throughout Check, Virginia including Lil Valley Farm, Weathertop Farm, Grateful Produce, I-Tal Acres, Seven Spring's Farm and The Soup Shop. This family-friendly experience is an up-close chance to learn about agriculture through demonstrations, tastings and farm tours and more. Food and/or products will be available for purchase at most of the farms and businesses. Times and available hours vary by farm and tour stop. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708205
18. 2023 Rotary Club of Floyd Dog Show Warren G. Lineberry Memorial Park, Floyd Sunday, June 4, 2023, 12:15 - 3:00 PM Dogs: $5.00 entry per class, Spectators: Free though donations encouraged The Rotary Club of Floyd County presents their 4th Annual Rotary Dog Show. Bring your dog, puppy, and/or faithful canine friend to compete in one or more of the dog show classes and ribbons will be awarded for each class. Classes for Dog Show include Best Tail, Best Treat Catcher, Best Smile, Best Owner-Dog Look-a-Like Contest, Best Trick, Cutest Puppy Under One Year Old, Best Bark, Best Mixed Breed Dog, Best Purebred Dog, Best Child Handler Under 12 Years Old and more. All dogs must should be on a short leash and up to date on vaccinations. The Humane Society will also have a table and possibly dogs to adopt. Adults and children ages 9 and older are welcome to participate with their dog in the various classes. Proceeds will be used to help build a dog park in Floyd. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708176
19. Music Jam and Car Cruise-In Wildwood Farms General Store, Floyd Sunday, June 4, 2023, 1:00 - 4:00 PM Admission: Free Enjoy a cruise-in with a variety of classic cars, motorcycles and other vehicles from 1:00-4:00 PM. All are welcome to bring their vehicles. And, bring your instruments and join in the music jam from 2:00-4:00 PM. Admission is free and all are welcome including non-musicians. The event is weather permitting. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708018
20. Clay Blevins in Concert Buffalo Mountain Brewery, Floyd Sunday, June 4, 2023, 1:00 - 4:00 PM Admission: Free Clay Blevins performs a signature mix of old and new country, pop and singer songwriter tunes. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708153
21. Book Club Meeting: Corkscrew Blacksburg Wine Lab, Blacksburg Sunday, June 4, 2023, 1:00 - 3:00 PM Admission: $40.00 Blacksburg Wine Lab presents their June Book Club Meeting featuring the book "Corkscrew" by Peter Stafford-Bow. Josh from Well Crafted Wine has picked this book specifically for the book club and will be hosting the event. The book includes a whole chapter on South Africa and Josh is inspired to share a tasting of his favorite bottles with participants from this region, along with a selection of crafted bites from Chef Bryan. The ticket price includes the wine tasting, book discussion and crafted bites to accompany the wine. RSVP is required. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708208
22. Matt Mullins in Concert Rock House Marina, Pulaski Sunday, June 4, 2023, 3:00 - 5:00 PM Admission: Free Matt Mullins performs multiple genres of music and now resides from Beckley, West Virginia after a stay in Southwest Virginia. A loud and sometimes profanity filled personality, you can't help but love to hate his shake, rattle, and roll nonsense. By spending the better part of the last decade creating songs with some of his favorite artists, (in particular The Boatmen) it has helped shape this songwriters methodology. Relating to back porch memories, and moving listeners to undoubtedly feel that he's got music in his bones. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708090
23. Sunday Mountain Music Series with Kris Hale Mountain Lake Lodge, Pembroke Sunday, June 4, 2023, 4:00 - 6:00 PM Admission: Free Kristopher Hale is a native of Roanoke, Virginia. Currently a Adjunct Professor of Music at both Radford University and Lynchburg College in Virginia, he also teaches guitar and music theory privately throughout the New River Valley and Roanoke areas. He is a sought after performer, appearing in public and private events throughout Virginia playing classical music to The Beatles. Stop by Salt Pond Pub every Sunday starting Memorial Day weekend through Sunday, August 20th for live music and delicious food and drinks. Perfect for relaxing with the whole family (furry friends welcome too). Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=707866
24. Open Mic Night (Family Friendly and 18+ Segments) The Beast of Blacksburg Pizzeria & Bar, Blacksburg Sunday, June 4, 2023, 4:00 PM - 01:00 AM Admission: Free The Beast of Blacksburg Pizzeria & Bar kicks off their Open Mic Nights with two segments offering a full evening of local talent. From 4:00-8:00 PM, family friendly material will be performed and then from 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM, the open mic is open to adult material for ages 18 and up. Note: Any group acts of more than two performers should message them on Facebook to make the necessary arrangements. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708201
25. Mist on the Mountain in Concert Palisades Restaurant, Eggleston Sunday, June 4, 2023, 5:00 - 7:30 PM Admission: Free Mist on the Mountain is an Irish Traditional Music group based in the New River Valley of southwest Virginia. From lively jigs and reels to heartbreaking laments and rollicking ballads, Mist on the Mountain provides great Irish music for any occasion. Reservations are not required, but recommended for dining area seating. Link: http://www.nextthreedays.com/FeaturedEventDetails.cfm?E=708177
Have a great weekend and thanks for reading!

Saturday:
Durham Craft Market - Saturday 08:00 AM @ Durham Central Park - Durham
The Raleigh Market - For the thrill of the hunt! - Saturday 09:00 AM @ N. C. State Fairgrounds - Raleigh
Shop & Play Saturday at Phillips Farms of Cary: Kids' Summer Kick-Off with NC Eat & Play - Saturday 09:00 AM @ Phillips Farms of Cary - Cary
FREE HIIT class @ Crabtree Valley Mall w/ Princess from Fit Factory! - Saturday 09:00 AM @ Fabletics Crabtree Valley Mall - Raleigh
West Point Park Tours (4 start times) - Saturday 10:00 AM @ West Point on the Eno - Durham
Spring Kiln Opening at Mark Hewitt Pottery - Saturday 10:00 AM @ Hewitt Pottery - Pittsboro
Saturday Slowdown at RambleRill Farm in Hillsborough: shop at farmers' market, meet goats, have a picnic - Saturday 10:00 AM @ RambleRill Farm - Hillsborough
Summer Sol - Vinyasa Flow w/ Live Sound Journey & Zero Proof Cocktails - Saturday 10:00 AM @ Raleigh Rose Garden - Raleigh
1st Annual International Children's Day at the City of Raleigh Museum - Saturday 10:00 AM @ City of Raleigh Museum - Raleigh
Ever After: Fairytales, Food & Flowers - Saturday 10:00 AM @ Fred Fletcher Park - Raleigh
"Cultural Infusions": An Art Collective Art Exhibition - Saturday 10:00 AM @ Triangle Cultural Art Gallery - Raleigh
Open Farm Visit to Sunrise Community Farm - Saturday 10:00 AM @ Sunrise Community Farm Center - Chapel Hill
The Original Downtown Raleigh Murals and Public Art Tour - Saturday 10:30 AM @ 300 S Salisbury St - Raleigh
Yoga at Hi-Wire Brewing - Saturday 11:00 AM @ Hi-Wire Brewing at Golden Belt - Durham
Historic Raleigh Trolley Tours (1-hour long; 4 start times) - Saturday 11:00 AM @ Mordecai Historic Park - Raleigh
Wilson Pride Market - Saturday 11:00 AM @ Fayetteville Street - Raleigh
Flight Day at Dix Park - Saturday 11:00 AM @ Dorothea Dix Park, Big Field - Raleigh
The Market at NCMA - Saturday 11:00 AM @ North Carolina Museum of Art - Raleigh
Flight Day at Dorothea Dix Park - Saturday 11:00 AM@ Dorothea Dix Park — Big Field - Raleigh
FlushFest -- West Hillsborough's Homemade Music and Film Festival (admission by donation) - Saturday 12:00 PM @ 711 Eno Street, West Hillsborough - Hillsborough
flART Market - Saturday 12:00 PM @ ArtPost - Durham
Record Show - Saturday 12:00 PM @ Durty Bull Brewing Company - Durham
Art-n-Soul Market - Saturday 12:00 PM@ Waverly Place - Cary
Art-n-Soul Market @ Mystic Farm & Distillery - Saturday 12:00 PM @ Mystic Farm & Distillery - Durham
Rescheduled: Bond Brothers' Mid-Town Square Spring Festival - Saturday 12:00 PM @ Bond Brothers Beer Company - Cary
Raleigh's International Food Festival - Saturday 12:00 PM @ City Plaza - Raleigh
53rd Annual Bimbé Cultural Arts Festival - Saturday 1:00 PM @ Rock Quarry Park - Durham
Doughnuts with Dads at Book Harvest - Saturday 1:00 PM @ Durham Bulls Athletic Park - Durham
Live music - Saturday 2:00 PM @ Gizmo Brew Works - Raleigh
Away Home - Workshop Offering (part of NC State's TheatreFEST) - Saturday 2:00 PM @ Thompson Hall (NC State) - Raleigh
The Carrboro Really Really Free Market - Saturday 2:00 PM @ Carrboro Town Commons - Carrboro
Live music: The Stagger Brothers - Saturday 2:00 PM@ Carolina Brewery - Pittsboro
The ComedyWorx Show Matinee - Saturday 3:00 PM @ ComedyWorx - Raleigh
19th Annual Beaver Queen Pageant - Saturday 3:00 PM @ Duke Park - Durham
Saturdays in Saxapahaw Outdoor Concert Series - Saturday 3:00 PM @ Saxapahaw Post Office - Saxapahaw
Jazz + Art Market - Saturday 3:00 PM@ Artmosphere Community Arts Center - Clayton
Summertime Beer Fest - Saturday 3:00 PM @ Clouds Brewing Tap Room - Raleigh
Live music - Saturday 6:00 PM @ Gizmo Brew Works - Raleigh
The ComedyWorx Show - Saturday 6:00 PM@ ComedyWorx - Raleigh
Music at Mill Bridge - Saturday 6:00 PM @ Mill Bridge Nature Park Amphitheatre - Wake Forest
Music on Main - Saturday 6:00 PM @ The Streets at Southpoint - Durham
Live music: Maverick Rose - Saturday 6:30 PM @ Southern Peak Brewery - Apex
1st Annual Bad Prom For A Good Cause - Saturday 7:00 PM @ Tobacco Road Sports Cafe & Brewery - Raleigh
Metropolitan Community Church - Saturday 7:00 PM @ St. John’s Metropolitan Community Church -
Live music: LowderStill - Saturday 7:00 PM @ Nickelpoint Brewing Co. - Raleigh
Pride Dance Party at Gizmo Brew Works - Saturday 7:00 PM @ Gizmo Brew Works - Chapel Hill
Live Music - Saturday 7:00 @ 20 West Franklin Street Plaza - Chapel Hill
Live music: Thomas Hinds - Saturday 7:30 PM @ Oaklyn Springs Brewery - Fuquay-Varina
Glitter Hour: Amateur Drag and Queer Stage Show - Saturday 8:00 PM @ Ruby Deluxe - Raleigh
Summer F.L.I.N.G. Game Night - Saturday 8:00 PM @ 93 Rock Quarry Rd - Raleigh
Afrobeats, HipHop, Dancehall - Saturday Nights (1st Saturday of Each Month) - Saturday 10:00 PM @ Nafkot Lounge - Raleigh
Social Club: Saturday Night Social - Saturday 10:00 PM @ Social Club - Raleigh

Sunday:
The Raleigh Market - Sunday 09:00 AM @ Raleigh Market (at N.C. State Fairgrounds) - Raleigh
Free Pop-Up Yoga in Wake Forest with SoulFULLY YOURS - Sunday 09:30 AM @ Horseshoe Farm Nature Preserve - Wake Forest
A Place at the Table's "pay what you can" food truck rodeo - Sunday 11:00 AM @ A Place at the Table - Raleigh
Board Game Sundays - Sunday 12:00 PM @ Gizmo Brew Works - Durham
Spring Kiln Opening at Mark Hewitt Pottery - Sunday 12:00 PM @ Hewitt Pottery - Pittsboro
Black Farmers' Market - Sunday 1:00 PM @ Southeast Raleigh YMCA - Raleigh
Community Build Day for Durham Art Parade: Art on a Stick - Sunday 1:00 PM @ The Scrap Exchange - Durham
Youth Aviation Academy Program at John Chavis Memorial Park - Sunday 1:00 PM @ John Chavis Memorial Park - Raleigh
Historic Raleigh Trolley Pride Ride (3 start times) - Sunday 1:00 PM @ Mordecai Historic Park - Raleigh
Durham Really Really Free Market - Sunday 2:00 PM @ Lyon Park - Durham
Open Mic Hosted by Michael Brennan - Sunday 2:00 PM @ BMC Brewing - Pittsboro
Durham City of Medicine Walking Tour (pay what you want) - Sunday 2:00 PM @ Raleigh Convention Center - Raleigh
Live music: Gypsy Railroad Band - Sunday 2:00 @ Nickelpoint Brewing Co. - Raleigh
Historic Houses on the Move - Sunday 2:00 @ Bombshell Beer Company - Holly Springs
Beer, Bacon, and Bluegrass - Sunday 3:00 PM @ Oaklyn Springs Brewery - Fuquay-Varina
Open-Mic Night - Sunday 3:00 PM @ Gizmo Brew Works - Raleigh
"Pay What You Can" for tickets to Corpus Christi by Terrence McNally, presented by St. John's Six Sundays in Spring concert: Sensory Expressions - Sunday 3:30 @ E. Carroll Joyner Park - Wake Forest
Indoor Yoga at the Chapel at Dix Park - Sunday 3:30 @ Dorothea Dix Park - Raleigh
Freeman Round House Summer Event Series: Karaoke with Mia Harris - Sunday 6:00 PM @ Vollis Simpson Whirligig Park - Wilson
Sunday Salsa Social -- lesson and dance - Sunday 6:30 PM @ Triangle Dance Studios - Durham
Sunday Night Live Music - Sunday 7:00 PM @ Southern Village - Chapel Hill

Want us to send you all the fun happenings in the Triangle directly to you? Join the LocalFYI newsletter (by clicking here) to get the inside scoop sent to your inbox every Monday. Although it says just Raleigh, we send events that cover the whole Triangle there :)
Any other cool events that we missed? Comment below so we can add them to our list!

My husbands (23) bestie (24) lives out of state and wanted to come meet our 2 month old baby girl. I had recently confided in her that I was struggling postpartum and was barely able to take care of my self and baby (who had horrible reflux & colic) while hubby was working full time. She offered to come help and I excitedly accepted.
After my husband picked her up from the airport and had gone to bed, she started telling me about her ideas for her trip and proceeded to ask if one of her male friends could come stay with us. I told her that I was still trying to figure out breast feeding and I wasn't really comfortable with that since I was in such a vulnerable time. She told me it wasn't a big deal because he had a sister who had a baby.... The next day it was getting close to dinner time and she suggested going to a brewery. I told her I wasn't drinking at this point in my BF journey so I'd probably stay back since there wasn't much food there. She excitedly left with my husband. The next day she went on a walk and while she was out I sent her a list of breweries that had food so she and my husband could drink while I ate. She never replied. When I verbally brought up another restaurant she quite literally looked at me and said nothing.
l ended up going to a brewery with them that night and had a full blown meltdown because I couldn't get the baby to eat / sleep. She was uncomfortable because I was so upset that the onetime I got to leave the house the baby was being fussy. The next day I told my husband I needed sometime alone with him to go over getting my basic needs met as hosting her was making it harder to do anything.
While we were gone she packed all of her things and left with out saying goodbye or anything. When I asked my husband what was going on he said “we thought it was best for you if she left”
Up until this moment, I was only mad at my husband for facilitating her inconsiderate behavior and ditching me but the act of her sneaking out made me pretty annoyed with her too.
I texted her saying I was sorry for being so moody and she said it was fine and she was just a super direct person… what..?
Now they’re both acting like I’m some emotional nutcase for being upset about the weekend. They’re both acting like everything is normal.
I want to make note that I am the jealous type but I am by no means worried about anything romantic between them. I really could not possible more secure about their friendship aside from the fact that they are selfish when put together. Hubs has since apologized but doesn’t really understand the “magnitude of my feelings”
How do I stand up for my self with out seeming crazy?

Already going to hit up Tripping Animals and 450 north for the sours/smoothie sours, what else would you all not miss if you went?
450 North Brewing Company
Arizona Wilderness Brewing Co
Bellwoods Brewery
Bluejacket Brewery
Boneflower Craft Mead
Brasserie De La Senne
Brasserie-Brouwerij Cantillon
Brouwerij 3 Fonteinen
Brouwerij De Ranke
Charles Towne Fermentory
Dancing Gnome Beer
Dream State Brewing
DSSOLVR
Edmunds Oast Brewing
Evil Twin Brewing NYC
Finback Brewery
Fonta Flora Brewery
Good Word Brewing & Public House
Hill Farmstead
Hop Butcher
HopFly Brewing Company
humanrobotbeer
Interboro NYC
Jester King Brewery
Magnanimous Brewing
Oaklyn Springs Brewery
Orpheus Brewing
Other Half Brewing Company
Prison Pals Brewing Co
Prolyfk Brewing Project
Resident Culture Brewing Company
Salud Cerveceria
Schilling Beer Co.
The Eighth State Brewing Company
The Veil Brewing Co.
Tripping Animals Brewing
Two Tides Brewing Co.
Widowmaker Brewing
Xül Beer Co
Zillicoah Beer Company

Thank you very much in advance.
At the crossroads of shattered dreams and whispered promises, Iria, the fabled port city, stood as a testament to the bittersweet allure of freedom. Like the thorny embrace of a briar, its streets intertwined with the hopes and sorrows of generations. It was here, amidst the misty twilight that caressed the cobblestones, that the Briar Thorn Tavern emerged from the depths of history, a sanctuary for weary souls seeking solace from the burdens of existence. Within its timeworn walls, the essence of Iria's foundation permeated the air, as if the tavern itself carried the weight of the city's destiny.
The Briar Thorn was more than a mere tavern—it was a haven, a hearth that welcomed the downtrodden, the restless, and the lost. Its aged beams, polished by countless hands, exuded the warmth of an ancestral embrace. The whispers of ancient tales echoed in every nook and cranny, intertwining with the hushed murmurs of patrons seeking refuge from the tempestuous world outside. Here, adventurers found respite, their journeys converging in a symphony of shared experiences.
Deep beneath the streets of Iria, a labyrinthine network of tunnels and caverns whispered secrets of a forgotten past. Legends spoke of the Nords, who sculpted these subterranean realms with a mystical glow that once illuminated the city above. Whispers carried the stories of Gillikristr, the visionary founder of Iria, whose sacrifice quelled the unearthly power that threatened to consume the city. Within this hidden realm, the House of the Red Grave stood as a poignant reminder of the struggle for emancipation. Weathered gravestones, adorned with intricate carvings, paid homage to the Caledonian and Iournenain slaves who dared to defy their chains.
As the doors of the Briar Thorn swung open, a kaleidoscope of sensations flooded the senses. Thorny roses, reminiscent of the House of the Red Grave, adorned the tavern, their crimson petals an homage to the sacrifices made for freedom. Within, the cavernous chamber unfolded like an amphitheater, its tiers of benches teeming with anticipation. Laughter mingled with the resonant notes of musicians, filling the air with a vibrant symphony of revelry.
In this enchanted realm, patrons embarked on a journey beyond the boundaries of mundane existence. The Briar Thorn embraced them, weaving their stories into the tapestry of Iria's ever-evolving narrative. It was a place where the past danced with the present, where the weight of the world momentarily lifted, and where the echoes of forgotten heroes found solace in the hearts of the living.
Adorned in her finest party attire, Isabel navigated the bustling crowd, fiery curls flowing like molten copper, half pinned up and half dancing freely in the wind. Her lute accompanied her, while she, a half-dwarf, wore a unique half-leather, half-silk bodice dress in eggshell white-yellow, adorned with red trim. A wide belt cinched her waist, with a well-maintained sword hanging at her hip. With ethereal grace, she weaved through the throng until finding solace in a quiet corner of the lively pub, fixated on an intricately engraved ledger.
Dust motes mingled with the blue-white illumination of the lamppost, as the pub owner's middle daughter opened the book and studied its contents. Her green eyes fixated on precise rows of figures. A faint murmur escaped her lips, a silent conversation with the ghosts of numbers.
Her mischievous grin curved upon porcelain features, reflecting the intrigue that stirred within her. With a single finger, she traced a curving figure on her account, a sly grin curling into an incredulous smile. The past month had been exceptional, favored patrons generously bestowing their coins. A mysterious benefactor, surely taking notice.
'Och gods...the ink's bleedin' through,' Isabel thought to herself. The accounts, usually orderly and precise, now seemed to mirror the joyful chaos surrounding her.
'Guess I'd best get this in order before folk start gettin' drunk an' cause too much a' ruckus...'
After nearly several minutes of writing she leaned back in her chair, stretched, and yawned hard. Her weary green eyes glanced over the darkening floor of the inn, and she raised a hand to rub at her jaw. She tried her her best to avoid the calls of the raucous crowd in favor of getting the ledgers out of the way.
It was to no avail. The strain of the work clearly taking its toll, she let out a determined sig and closed the ledger, setting it aside with the intention to revisit it.
Isabel's gaze shifted from the ledger book to the adorned walls. Festive decorations filled every corner, transforming the tavern into a celebration itself. The tantalizing aromas from the kitchen hinted at delightful treats prepared with extra care, each dish a tribute to the upcoming revelry. Amidst the lively crowd, vibrant decorations, and alluring scents, Isabel felt a sense of purpose and excitement. It was clear that a grand festival was approaching, and she was determined to create unforgettable memories for the attendees.
With a resigned sigh, Isabel straightened herself, her red stilettos scraping the stone floor as she prepared for her tavern rounds. Her green eyes sparkled with determination as she surveyed The Briar Thorn's lively atmosphere. Adjusting her party outfit, she ensured every detail was perfect. This was her moment to shine, to captivate the hearts of those gathered. Stepping forward as the tavern doors swung open, she embraced the spirited celebration that awaited her and the people of Iria.
"Guid evenin' tae ye all! Ye're lookin' bonnie, ye are. Micht I tempt ye wi' a warmin' ale or a cool stout? Or maybe a cider? We've a special brew fer ye tonight. Our cider's been aged in dragon fire-hardened casks."
In the midst of the vibrant tavern, all eyes converged on the resplendent figure that graced the stage of the Briar Thorn. A flame-haired maiden, adorned with an intricate tapestry of freckles, commanded attention with each movement, a testament to her practiced grace and unyielding confidence. The air crackled with anticipation as the bard's emerald eyes met those of her audience, mischief sparkling within their depths. With a playful wink, she set off a chorus of hearty laughter, an orchestration of mirth resonating through the space.
Among the sea of eager faces, a burly man, boasting a thick black beard and wielding an imposing war hammer, raised a hand, his voice booming above the fray. "I'll take two."
Suppressing a contagious burst of laughter, Isabel delicately clasped a hand over her lips, a radiant smile illuminating her features. "Two ciders, then, comin' up," she responded with a melodious lilt.
Unyielding in their desire for libations, another voice chimed in, belonging to a stern-looking woman whose scowl mirrored the sharpness of the war axe slung across her back. Leaning forward in her chair, she waved her hand, demanding attention. "We'll take two as well."
The large man, undeterred by the rising clamor, added his voice to the mix. "Three, then. And a pitcher of your best stout, if you would be so kind."
Amidst the boisterous revelry, the tavern erupted in a chorus of laughter, cascading like a waterfall of mirth. Isabel, ever the enchantress of the stage, acknowledged the uproar with a graceful bow at the waist, her every movement a testament to her showmanship. "Of course. I'll tend to that in a moment," she assured, a playful wink accentuating her words. "Now, as I was sayin', I'll get yer orders in a minute."
A burly man, his eyes twinkling with mischievous delight, directed his attention toward Isabel, a crooked smile gracing his lips as he ran a hand through his bushy beard. A war hammer nonchalantly slung over his shoulder and a massive war axe tucked in his belt added to his formidable presence. "Hey Izzie, yer gonna be performing tonight? Or do I need tae bless the dancers again?"
In response, Isabel's laughter danced through the air, a joyous melody in harmony with the crackling firelight. "Nah, I'm performin' tonight. Though ye might have tae beat my record," she teased, her voice laced with a playful challenge. A sly wink directed at her brother punctuated her words. "I think I might set a new one."
The burly man's eyes widened, their dark depths shimmering with excitement. "Aye? That's impressive! That's better than our last record. Did ye hear about that?"
Isabel's curiosity piqued, her emerald eyes narrowing as she shielded them from the flickering firelight, sweeping the room in search of answers. "No, I dinnae," she replied, her voice filled with anticipation. "Who was it?"
With a conspiratorial lean forward, the man shared his knowledge in a hushed tone, as if guarding a precious secret. "Our new patron. We're to be blessed by him tonight. We've a few others too, but the lads were talking about him earlier."
A spark of excitement ignited within Isabel, her voice taking on a hushed tone to match the weight of the revelation. "A patron? That's wonderful! Who is he? Does he have a name?"
Isabel's vibrant emerald eyes widened with eager anticipation as the burly man confirmed the identity of the mysterious patron.
A man with hazel eyes, clad in an intricately embroidered jacket and pants of fine silk, strode confidently toward the stage. The crimson-lacquered armor that adorned his form seemed to shimmer in the light, like the ruby at the end of a rosebud. A regal demeanor seemed to permeate every gesture as he surveyed the crowd, his posture betraying the confidence of his stature. With an easy grace, he settled on a chair, his eyes locking with those of Isabel's. A smile played on his lips as he motioned for her to join him, a clear command in his demeanor.
A wide smile stretched across her face, illuminating her freckled visage. "He's a bard like me?" she exclaimed, her voice laced with excitement. "I cannae wait!"
With a quizzical expression, the man raised an eyebrow, leaning in closer to share a whispered revelation. "Not exactly," he revealed, his tone tinged with intrigue. "He's quite different. I don't think you'll see many of his kind at The Briar Thorn, if you know what I mean."
Isabel nodded, her curiosity now piqued, her mind conjuring visions of the enigmatic newcomer. "I do. I've been told they're rare," she confided, a soft giggle escaping her lips. "I wonder what he looks like? I hope he's not one a' them."
In response, the man chuckled, his cheeks flushing as he met her infectious smile. "I doubt it. He should be back in a few. Left his ledger with Gerik."
The mention of the ledger prompted Isabel to stifle another burst of laughter, her hand pressed against her mouth. "Och, that was his? I was in there earlier, and it's a mess," she admitted, a mischievous glimmer in her eyes.
The man's face contorted into a perplexed grimace, his confusion evident. "Aye? You looked like it was all in order." He shook his head, puzzled. "Weird. Guess he's just new... though that doesn't explain why he speaks so... peculiarly. Claims he's from Draigfell, yet he talks like he's from a different continent."
Isabel chuckled, her voice laced with amusement. "He's from the north. Maybe he's more... formal? Aye, that sounds like it," she pondered, her eyes distant as she mulled over the possibilities.
The man shrugged, leaning back in his chair, his tone one of indifference. "Aye, that makes sense." He raised his hand and signaled to a busty lass who was weaving through the crowd toward the bar.
Eyes glued to the mysterious patron, intrigued, Isabel leaned forward with her curiosity eager to unveil the mysteries surrounding the enigmatic Micah. "Aye? What does he say?" she inquired, her tone infused with genuine interest.
With a bemused shrug, the man struggled to articulate his observations. "Ah... nothing much. Just strange," he confessed, his voice laced with a mixture of intrigue and perplexity. "Maybe he's just not used to taverns."
The burly man, his eyes glimmering with excitement, clasped Isabel's shoulder and pulled her into a warm embrace. "He's coming back here later tae join us. Maybe ye can find out why this Micah fellow left us so much gold. You'll have tae tell me later."
A smile blossomed across Isabel's features as she leaned forward and hugged her brother tightly. "I will," she promised, her eyes twinkling with joy. "But I cannae tell ye why ye're getting so much coin."
"We'll figure it out, ye'll see. Ye better get ready to perform," he insisted. "An' get that ledger in order."
Isabel nodded and turned toward the kitchen, her steps sure and graceful. "Aye, I will," she assured. "I'll be back with yer drinks soon."
With a parting smile, Isabel gracefully glided toward the kitchen, her freckled face glowing in the flickering light. The tapestry of laughter and merrymaking resonated within her as she emerged, ready to fulfill her promise of delivering three orders. The Briar Thorn Tavern thrived with the boisterous banter of adventurers, their stories and camaraderie filling every nook. Amidst the lively crowd, Isabel weaved her way, greeted by a raising mug and reciprocating with a mischievous wink. Laughter harmonized with the crackling firelight, but her focus remained on the enigmatic patron.
After deftly fulfilling the orders and sating the thirst of eager patrons, Isabel embarked on a purposeful journey toward the table where the enigmatic Micah sat. A flicker of anticipation ignited within her, a fire stoked by the allure of the unknown. Every step she took exuded a captivating showmanship, a ballet of grace and poise. As her emerald eyes met his hazel gaze, a current of intrigue surged through her veins, ensnaring her curiosity in its enigmatic grasp.
Approaching with measured elegance, Isabel bestowed upon him a subtle bow, a testament to her refined demeanor practiced countless times. Her movements, like a finely choreographed dance, exuded an air of cultivated grace. The sweep of her arm and the dip of her head were executed with precise control, each gesture crafted to convey both respect and a hint of playful intrigue. It was a performance perfected through countless repetitions, a display of practiced finesse that now played out before Micah's watchful gaze.
"It's good to see ye're 'ere," said Micah, his tone measured and confident, his Draig accent adding a sing-song lilt to his words. His hazel eyes glimmered with intrigue as he studied her, a curious smile gracing his features. "I see Gerik raised 'is children well. 'ow are ye feelin'?"
Isabel's eyes narrowed as she scrutinized his face, studying him as if she were peering into the depths of his soul. Her demeanor remained composed as she regarded the enigmatic Micah. "I'm fine. We've been talkin' about ye," she admitted as she twirled a lock of hair between her fingers.
Micah nodded, his posture betraying his composure. "I'm sure ye have," he said.
'Ah dinnae know ye," Isabelle asked, twirling a lock of hair between her fingers. "Do ye want me tae get ye somethin' tae eat?"
"I'm fine," Micah said, as he brushed off the concern with a casual flick of his hand, his grin spreading like sunlight on a dew-kissed meadow. The charm in his words danced with the musicality of a whispered melody, ensnaring Isabel's attention further into his web. "I'm Micah, a fa'miliar face 'at 'as graced these walls fer twenty-five years. The bonds o' friendship 'ave woven through the tapestry o' time, connectin' yer family and mine in a shared 'istory."
"So ye're a bard, like me," Isabel exclaimed, her eyes dancing with excitement and anticipation. "I've heard rumors of yer arrival at the tavern. Tell me, what 'appened tae yer band? Where have they gone?"
"I'm the last o' me band," Micah admitted, a tinge of melancholy seeping into his voice as he reminisced about his companions. "They were swept away by a tempest, lost to the unforgiving storm. I miss them dearly. They still visit me in dreams," he confided, a solitary tear glistening in his expressive eye.
Isabel's voice resonated with warmth and empathy as she extended her condolences. "I'm truly sorry tae hear o' yer loss," she offered sincerely. "Ye dinnae speak much 'bout yerself, but I'm eager tae know ye better. How 'bout we share a meal together? We can talk and ye can share yer story."
"That would be delightful," Micah replied, his countenance softening as he bestowed her with a genuine smile. "I would enjoy that greatly."
A genuine smile graced Isabel's freckled visage, brimming with delight. "Wonderful! I'll fetch ye a meal," she promised, her voice tinged with enthusiasm. "What tickles yer fancy?"
"Anything will suffice," Micah responded, his tone imbued with sincere interest. "I have the coin. I'll be waitin' 'ere for ye."
Isabel's smile blossomed as she nodded in agreement, his genuine tone assuring her of his welcome. She directed her attention towards the bustling kitchen, her mind ablaze with thoughts of crafting a delectable menu for her newfound companion. The tantalizing scent of freshly prepared cuisine mingled with the symphony of clinking pots and pans, captivating Isabel's senses.
'I reckon a savory meat pie or a plate of spiced vegetables would be to his likin'. I don't think he's fond of overly spicy fare.'
Isabel's imagination swirled with culinary possibilities as she surveyed the kitchen, her eyes darting between the diligent kitchen staff and the array of tantalizing ingredients. Contemplating her options, hands confidently resting on her hips, she made her way towards the bustling heart of the kitchen, her gaze lingering on the savory treasures at hand.
After careful consideration, Isabel selected the perfect meal that would both cater to Micah's palate and ignite his taste buds with delight. A sly smile played upon her lips as she emerged from the kitchen, carrying a plate brimming with culinary delights. The aroma of the freshly prepared feast permeated the air, adding to the festive ambiance of the tavern.
With a warm smile gracing her features, Isabel approached Micah, the alluring scent of the food enveloping them. "Here ye are!" she exclaimed, her eyes sparkling with anticipation. "I've got somethin' special for ye. Ye're bound tae love it."
"I have no doubt," Micah assured her, his curiosity piqued as he returned her smile. "Thank ye kindly."
Placing the plate before him, Isabel gestured towards the enticing dish, her eyes shimmering with excitement. "Go on now! Give it a try!" she encouraged eagerly. "It's one o' the tavern's finest specialties."
As his gaze fixated upon the presented meal, Micah's eyes widened in pleasant surprise. "A fine choice," he acknowledged, curiosity lacing his words. "Though dinnae ye 'ave a performance soon? Shouldn't ye be preparin'?"
"I shall," Isabel urged with a playful glimmer in her eyes. "Just try it."
With a glint of mischief in his eyes, Micah nodded, his fingers gently tracing the contours of the freshly baked crust as he studied the meal before him. "Aye, I will," he assured, his brogue adding a touch of charm. "I'm sure it'll be a feast for the senses."
Isabel's fiery waves of hair, tamed and cascading down her back, framed her face with a wild elegance. She slipped into her performance costume, the fabric embracing her like a second skin, its deep green hue accentuating her curves. The subtle reveal of skin hinted at a hidden sensuality, while the golden cuff, shaped like a wolf's mouth, added an enchanting touch. She could almost feel the spirit of Caledonia whispering through the intricate design, igniting her spirit.
A knock on the dressing room door interrupted her reverie, and the voice of Archie, the stage director, filtered through. "Isabel, are ye ready? The stage awaits."
She turned toward the door, a radiant smile illuminating her face. "Almost there, Archie. Just a few finishing touches."
Stepping out of the dressing room, Isabel found Archiewaiting, his eyes widening with awe at her transformation. His voice softened, filled with admiration. "Isabel, ye look absolutely stunning. The crowd won't ken what hit them."
Isabel's laughter danced through the air, her voice carrying a mixture of excitement and determination. "Thank ye, Archie. But it's not just about the looks. Tonight, I'll weave a tale that'll stir their hearts, ignite their spirits, and leave them yearning for more. Tonight, Caledonia will come alive on this very stage."
Archie, resonating in her words, nodded, his eyes reflecting a profound understanding of her power. "I have nae doubt, Isabel. Ye possess a gift—a voice that carries the stories of our land, the dreams of our people. They'll be captivated, enchanted by yer every note."
Isabel took a final deep breath, feeling the energy of the night pulsating through her veins.
"Together, Archie," Isabel whispered, her voice filled with determination. "Tonight, we'll create magic."
And with that, they stepped into the hallway, the sounds of anticipation and muffled conversation filling the air. The stage awaited, the audience yearned, and Isabel was ready to cast her spell, leaving an indelible mark on the hearts of those who would join her in this symphony of life.
The curtains drew back, revealing the expectant faces of the crowd, their eyes alight with anticipation. Isabel took her place at the center of the stage, her gaze sweeping across the sea of faces, her voice a velvety caress that cut through the silence.
"Listen closely, mah friends," she began, her voice filled with a tantalizing blend of mystery and longing, her Scottish lilt enchanting every syllable. "For tonight, I shall unveil the hidden melodies that reside within the soul of Iria. Tonight, we embark on a journey of love and loss, triumph and despair. Let yer hearts be swept away by the stories that dance upon the threads of our existence."
And so it began. The tavern exploded with applause as Isabel gracefully stepped to the side of the stage, beckoning to her audience as she sang the opening verse of the ballad. All fell silent as the rain battered the cobblestones outside, protecting the warmth of the firelight.

Hi lovely people,
We just came back from our first trip to Japan and it was truly a memorable trip. We spent over 3 weeks in Japan from 07th May until 30th May. WE LOVE JAPAN! Can't wait to come back.
A little bit about us: We are both ~30y olds and enjoy a mix of urban, outdoor and culture during our holidays. We are foodies, but not hard-core as in we don't specifically organize our trips around restaurants. There are so many restaurants in Japan, it is hard to get a bad meal. We enjoy just wandering around neighbourhoods. Mostly low/mid-budget stuff with a splurge once in a while.
Our travel itinerary can be found here
General comments

Time period of travel: We arrived 7th of May which is the last sunday of Golden week. We specifically wanted to avoid Golden week, as we heard it can be crazy busy due to domestic travels. And we also didn't want to go too late in May because June is rainy season in Japan. We were pretty lucky with the weather overall as we only had a couple of days of rain, most days were sunny and we even had some days of sweltering heat :O
Like other people suggest, try to get in shape before you go! We are both in average shape. Almost every day we walked around 20.000 steps or more. The only rest days we had were the days where we were switching between cities, i.e. sitting in trains for longer periods of time. No complaints ;). I brought two pair of shoes: water-proof hiking shoes and one pair of light-weight running shoes. Switching between shoes was nice, I didn't have any blisters during my time in Japan luckily. All the walking compensated all the eating though!
Check whether region specific JR passes might work for you. We decided against getting the nationwide JR passes as they didn't fit our needs and were expensive and instead opted for a regional JR Setouchi area pass. It was perfect for the Shimanami Kaido. We could travel from Osaka to Onomichi -> Hiroshima/Miyajima -> Kyoto. And it also gave us access to Nozomi shinkansen (fastest) and a great ferry ride between Matsuyama and Hiroshima.

Japanguide has a nice overview of all the passes : https://www.japan-guide.com/e/e2357.html

Be flexible (That's how we like to travel). I mapped out most of the sights beforehand according to must-see's and mapped out what other interesting sights there would be in those areas. The day before or in the morning, we would decide what we would do roughly, sight-see according to neighborhood and just wing it a little bit. We just love to wander around and see what we come across, mixed with some google maps + "explore" function. Some days you are just tired and just want to hang out in a park, or you have temple-fatigue and want to do something entirely else. Same with food/restaurants, we usually just used google maps to see what kind of great restaurants were near us at that moment. We haven't lined up more than twice our whole time there and still ate wonderfully. We do tend to avoid overly hyped stuff anyways. I do keep in mind that everyone has their own ways.
Buy e-sim if possible, it is the cheapest and easiest way. My partner bought an e-sim and it was so convenient! My phone unfortunately didn't support it and I had to buy a sim. I opted for getting one at BIC camera, which was the cheapest I could find. 10GB for 30 days for 3200 yen.
Keep plastic bags for trash. Buying food from conbini, and eating it somewhere? say yes to that plastic bag, because you will need it to stash your garbage until you are back at your hotel where you can throw it away or you find a garbage bin at the train station per chance. I read about this a lot on this subreddit, but still I found it astonishing the lack of trash cans. Fascinating how the streets of Japan are so damn clean.
Try Pokari sweat. :) I tried it for the first time there and I was hooked immediately. It is awesome! Best electrolyte drink ever and it definitely saved me during those hot sweaty days there. CC lemon is also great!
Go for a haircut or some other beauty/massage treatment. The hospitality is amazing in Japan. You won't regret getting pampered in Japan. They have all kinds of crazy treatments. I got the best haircut of my life for 4400yen.

Trip report

PS. I am not mentioning everything we did in this post. I will just mention highlights. It is still a long read though ;).
D1 - D2 Osaka
We landed at Kansai airport. Before our trip, we also bought train vouchers for Osaka online (https://www.howto-osaka.com/en/ticket/). Best decision ever, because the journey was rough and we were exhausted by the time we landed. We only had to exchange our vouchers at the station and off we went.
Osaka was nice city to start with as it is a more manageable "smaller" city whilst recovering from our jetlag. Despite being smaller, I do think it is worth a visit. Osaka is so iconic at night. We stayed at a spacious Airbnb near Kuromon Ichiban market.

Takoyaki :) We had our first try of takoyaki at Takotako King instead of one the places at Dotonbori to avoid the crazy lines. You can sit down, have a beer and yes the takoyaki is amazing. It should be crunchy on the outside and deliciously goeey on the inside, doused with sauces and katsuobushi. Man, I wish I could go back and eat it again. It is true, you can't get great takoyaki outside of Osaka, at least I didn't get that same crunchy gooey combo again in other cities.
Discount sushi from Takashimaya department store. For the budget-minded, this is a no-brainer. Around 7PM, an hour before closing time, you can get delicious fatty tuna maki at discount prices in the basement of takashimaya. Other foods at the department store food floor such as the fresh mochi are delicious also. Takashimaya is my favorite department store for food I think!
Osaka castle - Our first castle in Japan. The green roof and the golden ornaments are beautiful and unique!
Dotonbori - iconic :) fun to walk along. The queues are long there. We avoided eating at Dotonbori.
Shitenno-ji - beautiful pagoda with buddha statues inside. Do pay the fee to go inside and see the garden. You can also go into the pagoda and walk up.
Huge fan of Shotengai's, Shinsaibashi-Suji Shopping Street. They are so quintessential Japan.
Ramen Tendo, the first ramen joint that we tried in Japan, so it has a special place in my heart. They specialize in chicken broth with lots of umami katsuoboshi flavor. Noodles were great too, very bouncy. Delicious! Little did I know that this ramen joint was really one of the best we would have this trip. It set the bar high for sure!
Visit a local grocery store. Maybe it is just me, but I love to browse at local grocery shops (KOHYO namba Minatomachi) and be fascinated by all the different things they sell. It is also a great place to buy food souvenirs, like miso, green tea etc. Lots of pre-cooked meals/ fried stuff. Just a wider selection than your typical conbini. And again discounts if you go ~1hr before closing time.

Skip Shinsekai: We visited during the day and it felt very empty to me. More like a tourist-trap, the eateries didn't look appealing to me. Maybe during the evening this area is more fun.
D3 Nara
We did Nara as a day-trip from Osaka.

Yes, to feeding the deer. It is touristy, but it is so much fun to be chased by cookie-crazed deer. One more thing: deer's fart a lot. We were wondering where this weird high pitched sound was coming from, those are actually deer farts.
Todai-ji is very impressive, definitely a must visit.
Just wander around in Nara park, it's very lush and beautiful and has many more shrines and interesting sights, such as manyo botanical garden. I wish we had one more day to explore Nara but oh well maybe next time :)
We ate lunch at Magura Koya, a small restaurant run by a lovely elderly couple. Delicious tuna dishes. I had a tuna sashimi bowl and my partner the fried tuna set meal, so fresh!
We had the best pork bun at Hourokutei at the end of the Higashimuki shopping street. It's a small hole in the wall, but omg the squishy-est juicy-est porkbuns ever.

D4 Onomichi
After staying in Osaka for 3 days, we headed west for the Shimanami Kaido. We decided to stay in Onomichi (Hotel Beacon Onomichi) for the night before we started our two day bike trip. For this part of our trip, we picked up our 7-day Setouchi area pass at Shin-Osaka JR station. I just want to mention that I really love the hospitality of the staff in Japan. The JR office people were so nice and helpful. We reserved our seats for the shinkansen and off we went to Onomichi. Onomichi is a lovely little seaside town to just stroll around and take in the views. I really recommend spending at least half a day here. Don't skip it!

Senkoji park observatory - we walked up to the observatory (ropeway available), please walk up as there are lots of nice alleyways, shrines and cats along the way :). The view is amazing, especially at sunset.
Cat alley: honestly, every alley is cat alley.
Onomichi Shotengai - very retro, lots of cute shops. We bought a nice poster from a little granny there.

D5 & D6 Shimanami Kaido -> Matsuyama
The next day, we picked up our reserved cross bikes from the general bike rental and off we went. Honestly, biking the shimanami kaido was the highlight of our trip. We took two days to bike the whole way, one day would definitely be too rushed for us. We stopped at Ikuchi island (Shimanaido NEST) for our halfway stay.
The sights along the way were great! It was so much fun to go down-hill, the uphills were do-able. We had great weather also, not too hot and no rain. Everything was clearly indicated, we just followed the blue lines. I felt very safe biking in Japan. PS. My butt did hurt from the saddle, so be warned! Bring some cushioned pants if you want to be safe side.

First pitstop after the first bridge was Hassakuya. You have to stop here! They have delicious strawberry and citrus daifuku! The citrus had a bitter aftertaste, but they are famous for their citrus so its definitely nice to try.
Just enjoy the views, stop everywhere to take pictures. There are lots of things to explore along the way.
Stop at roadside stations such as > tatara shimanami park and yoshiumi iki-iki-kan. Especially before you take on the last bridge just do a little pit stop. It's a nice place to take some pictures of the insanely long bridge and have a citrus/vanilla soft cream.

https://shimanami-cycle.or.jp/ for more info and bike rental
We decided to bike one-way from Onomichi to Imabari and we have no regrets. I liked that we ended the bike trip with the longest bridge (4km!!). Imabari is very industrial, but after the fun long way down from the last bridge and being exhausted from biking you just want to get to the station and stuff yourself with pastries from the bakery at the station and go on to your next destination. Thus, we immediately took the train to Matsuyama. Originally, the plan was to enjoy the famous onsen in Matsuyama, but we didn't have enough time and we were also pretty tired. After checking-in at the hotel, it was already 4, we made our way to Matsuyama castle but unfortunately, we were too late to go in. It was still nice to view it from the outside and walk around the park. We planned to do sightseeing in Hiroshima the next day, so there was no more time to explore Matsuyama further.
D7 Hiroshima -> Miyajima
After Shiminami Kaido, we headed towards Hiroshima/Miyajima. We took an early ferry from Matsuyama. The ferry was included in the setouchi JR pass, so we gladly took advantage of that. It's a nice way to get to Hiroshima, just one last view of the Seto inland sea. One remark: if it is not JR serviced transportation, you do have to obtain separate tickets. Normally, just showing your setouchi JR pass is enough to get onboard the train, but for the ferry you do have to go to the ticket desk and show your JR pass to obtain the ferry tickets.

Peace memorial museum - a history we must not forget and do not want to repeat
We tried another Hiroshima speciality for lunch: Hiroshima Tsukemen. This tsukemen is GREAT. One of my favorite dishes. We ate at Tsukemen Karabu Tokaichimachi. The spicy umami dipping sauce is very addicting!

Surprisingly, it was very hard to find affordable good accommodation in Hiroshima. It was the weekend and two weeks before G7, so maybe that was the reason why it was harder to find accommodation. In the end, I found a nice simple hotel on Miyajima island and it was a good decision after all! After a long day in Hiroshima, we made our way to Miyajima to stay two nights. Staying on Miyajima island is lovely especially when all the day-trip tourist leave.
D8 Miyajima
Honestly, Miyajima is truly magical. Another highlight of our trip! We started the day early to get ahead of the crowd and that made it all so much more enjoyable. Seeing shrines and temples without a crowd is truly 1000x better! If you can stay at Miyajima island, do it! You don't have to splurge on expensive ryokan (although it would have been nice). We stayed at Sakuraya, which was very budget-friendly.

Itsukishima Jinja - Nice but Daishoin and surrounding nature were the highlights for me.
Daishoin - it is the most beautiful shrine complex I have seen in Japan this trip. I think it's because it was so quaint and it was embedded in the hill, surrounded by lush green nature. There were multiple complexes. There was a pathway studded with Jizo statues, buddist cave, prayer wheels and much more. While we were there, a ceremony with a monk was ongoing and everyone could participate in helping burning the origami peace cranes made by children, to make their wishes come true. We bought a little peace crane made from the ashes to remember this moment.
Mt. Misen - we hiked up from Dashoin. It was ~2hrs? of steep stair climbing, 500m elevation gain. A challenge for sure but we definitely earned our way going down by ropeway :P. Views are great! go go! There is a bus to the ropeway so you don't have to suffer if you don't want to.
Momijidani park - If you don't like Momiji trees, you can't be my friend.
Snack along the Miyajima ometesando street. Crowded, but the cakes are great!

One remark, our hotel didn't include dinner and all the restaurants on the island close quite early. Luckily, with our setouchi JR pass, we could take the ferry for free, so went to the mainland for dinner. Just keep this in mind, when booking your stay.
D9 - D13 Kyoto
We took the early train to Kyoto and checked in at Tokyu stay Sanjo-karasuma. We had 5 days to explore Kyoto and by this time we had lost our FOMO a little bit and also decided to take it a bit more slow. We still ended up walking a lot anyways but at least we were sleeping in.
The day we arrived,15MAY, was supposed to be Aoi matsuri so we headed to Kamo river to see the festival. Unfortunately, the festival was postponed due to the slight rainfall and we had no clue! but we were next to Kyoto botanical garden and we decided to visit that instead!

Kyoto botanical garden: it is a lovely garden with a huge variety of plants and trees to see. Really well maintained and during our visit there was a great rose garden in bloom. I recommend going there! It has a nice japanese garden section too with momiji trees and moss. A greenhouse with orchids. Lot's to see here. Only 200 yen.
Arashiyama area - I really loved this area, not just for the bamboo forest. Togetsukyo bridge and Katsura river were the highlights for me. You can walk along the both sides of Katsura riverbank. A nice way to get to the bamboo forest and bypassing the busy beginning at the start of bamboo forest is by walking along the katsura river bank into Kameyama park and following the signs to Okochi sanso garden. You will end up at the backside of bamboo forest, which is the nicest part. We went more north to visit Pottery Tanuki, this area was very nice and quaint to walk around; bamboo, shrines and traditional houses everywhere.
South kyoto - Fushimi Inari + Uji day trip - We visited fushimi inari around 9am and it was already very busy! If you hike deeper into the Tori gates, it gets more quiet. We decided not to hike to the top, but instead do a little loop and we stumbled upon some lovely fox shrines. After Fushimi Inari, we took the train just a little bit more south to Uji. If you like matcha, visit Uji. It is a scenic little town with lots of matcha specialized cafes. We ate at Torikiku, famous for their matcha soba and udon. I had the best matcha icecream dessert at Nakamura Tokichi Byodo-in. Again, the river views are beautiful! It's a great daytrip from kyoto. On the way back to kyoto, we spontaneously decided to visit the Gekkeikan Sake museum. It's a small museum, mostly about the history of Gekkeikan, but for 500 yen entry fee, you also get 3 small sake tastings. Fun for an hour or so. I wouldn't go all the way here just for the museum, but for us it was a nice stop on the way back to Kyoto.
Gion - visit Gion in the evening and just wander around the little streets. Hanamikoji street is one of the more famous streets there.
We ate amazing gyoza lunch at Gyoza-dokoro Sakemasa. Best gyozo of our trip.
Higashiyama area - Heian jingu shrine, visit the attached garden for a fee, definitely worth it! We ate amazing mazesoba and ramen for lunch at Menya Yamahide. We also visited Kyoto handicraft center in this area where we bought an ukiyo-e painting. There was also a vintage antique market at that day. We just browsed a bit around the market and honestly that was a day worth of exploring :).

I didn't mention everything we did in Kyoto here. We also had so much more planned for Kyoto, but didn't get around to it, which was totally fine! We were also a bit temple-fatigued by that time and needed a slower pace. Hopefully next time, we can visit some of things we skipped. Furthermore, some days were incredibly hot (30 C degrees and humid) or we had whole days of rain. On those days, we decided to go shopping instead.

Sanjo Meiten-gai shopping arcade , Compasso teramachi. One long shopping street between Omiya and Kyoto-kawaramachi station. My favorite shops were: Standard products, Tokyu hands and Loft.

D14 - D15 Takayama
After spending 5 days in Kyoto, it was time to leave the city and head for the Japanese alps. We took the shinkansen to Nagoya, where we changed to a limited express to Takayama. It took around 3 hours to get to Takayama, but we didn't mind. Train travel = resting time for our legs! Also, the views from the train were great!! I really enjoyed this train trip to Takayama. We arrived around noon and immediately checked in at our hotel (Hotel Kuretakeso Takayama). We had two nights in Takayama to explore the town.

Hida beef - it's the wagyu of this area and I found my favorite place to eat it: Ajikura Tengoku. We went there twice for lunch, because it was that good. It was our first time in Japan to try yakiniku and sukiyaki. I really do appreciate the taste of wagyu but only in small amounts. I couldn't eat it everyday, because it's really so rich and yes paying for the premium cuts really does make a different in taste and texture of the wagyu beef.
We really loved Takayama. Again, if you have time, stay overnight and wander around the streets during the evening when all the daytrippers leave. The town has such a nice vibe and it still has a very local feel to it.
Miyagawa morning market. Fun to stroll around
Hikaru museum - we stumbled upon this via google maps. It's a mayan temple-inspired building, very unique. You could visit the place just for the architecture itself, really impressive. It has a very nice collection of art. When we reached the top floor, there was a whole exhibition dedicated to a specific religious person. We didn't know beforehand but this museum is connected to a cult. Suddenly, it all made sense why this museum was so unique. We didn't mind, but it definitely puts the whole experience in a different light. It's a 1-hour walk from downtown, there is no direct bus connection unfortunately.
Hida folk village - Open-air museum with nice re-builds of traditional mountain houses. We spend over half a day there. You can see local craftsmen doing their thing and you can also participate in pottery for example. There is a lovely pond and it is just pleasant to walk around. it's only a ~10 min. busride from Takayama bus station. You can buy combined entryfee+bus combo tickets at the bus station.

D16 Kamikochi -> Matsumoto
After checking out of our hotel in Takayama, we took the 7am bus to Kamikochi. We were only going to spend a day here, and then continue our way to Matsumoto to stay overnight.After ~1 hour of bus, we finally made it to Kamikochi. The Japanese alps are amazing. I wished we stayed longer in this area, but just the bus ride alone to Kamikochi was already a great with the views. We decided to hop off at Taisho pond bus stop and walk along all the major sights in the park. We had no specific plan. Just hike around as far as time allowed. For lunch, we stopped at this cute teishoku restaurant, where we ate katsu curry, a big lunch to fuel our walking. We also saw wild japanese macaques and lots of wildflowers where blooming during our time there.At the local shops, we bought some yummy pastries to snack on. I had the tastiest baumkuchen with cheesecake center and my partner had a chocolate ganache cookie. I really regret not buying more kamikochi pastries to take home while we were there.After spending the day walking around, we hopped on the 4pm bus towards Matsumoto. Checked in at Tabino hotel lit Matsumoto, where I relaxed in the onsen.
Tips:

We were only carrying backpacks, so we hiked with them until we reached the kamikochi bus terminal, where you can drop off you bag at the storage for a small fee.
Reservation is mandatory for the bus Kamikochi -> Matsumoto, you can do it online or while you are at the busstation before hiking.
Transportation in the Japan alps is mostly by bus, do reserve ahead if you go at peak times. Main bus company is Nouhi bus: https://www.nouhibus.co.jp/english/.)

D17 Matsumoto Tokyo
After sleeping in, we did some sightseeing in Matsumoto before we moved on to Tokyo. We really liked wandering around in Matsumoto. Lots of cool shops with local crafts. We didn't know but the biggest national crafts fair is held in Matsumoto. Unfortunately, we were only able to stay for one day, but next time we would love to visit this crafts fair!
Matsumoto Castle - I really like the interior of the castle. It has been renovated, but still contains that castle feel. It is 5 story castle and you are allowed to climb all of it. It also included a pretty extensive gun/weaponry exhibition. Do arrive early because you do have to line-up within the castle to get from one floor to the other. This is due to the steep stairways, on which they allow only one-way traffic at a time.
Matsumoto city art museum - There was a nice exhibition from Yayoi Kusama. We didn't know but Yayoi Kusama was born in Matsumoto. It is a good replacement exhibition if you aren't able to snatch up tickets for Yayoi Kusama museum in Tokyo.
Nakamachi street and Frog street - street with persevered houses with craft shops, cafes, brewerys. What more do you want.
After spending the day in Matsumoto, we took the train to Tokyo, our last destination of our stay. We decided to stay in Ueno (Hotel resol ueno). This hotel was located close to Ueno JR.
D18 - D24 Tokyo
Last 7 days in Tokyo. By this time, we were just enjoying everything at a much slower pace. Tokyo is huge! Staying near the JR line is indeed a must like everyone said. I could go on hours about Tokyo, I am just going to mention some highlights here.

Anmitsu at Anmitsu Mihashi. My favorite dessert! It contains agar jelly, mochi balls, red bean paste, fruit and a scoop of matcha icecream.
shopping in Ginza - It's nice to go during the weekends when they close of the streets for cars. We liked visiting flagship stores of Muji, Uniqlo. Go to Itoya if you are a stationary freak.
Ueno park - Museums, shrines, Lotus pond. Have a look at their website, there are almost always events in the park. :)
Tsukiji market - very busy, but fun to have a look. Lines everywhere. Look for sushi restaurants that open around 11am, line up at one of those places. I don't think it has to be the one with 4.5 rating and 1000 reviews. Why? There are so many good restaurants in Tsukiji area. We went to Tsukiji Kagura Sushi.
Hamarikyu gardens - Bonsai pine trees pruned to perfection. Ponds filled with sea water, thus there were seabass, little sardines and jellyfish in the water. Very special! You also had a nice skyline view from the park which is a cool contrast! It was nice and quiet.
Tokyo Skytree - best view :) it also has a great shopping complex attached to it.
Asakusa area - Senso-ji
Yanaka Ginza - we went during the weekend and there was live music, little stalls and just very lively in general. Really nice to spend a morning. Largest preserved cemetery, which apparently welcomes visitors a lot for flower viewings. It is a preserved neighborhood with traditional houses and lots of shops selling crafts, gifts, souvenirs, and unique snacks.

That's it!
For 24 days, we spend around ~2500 euro p.p. (excl. 1000,- flights). This amount includes food, transportation, entrancefees and shopping/gifts. so average is ~100 euro/day. We didn't track every cost. Hotel costs were 900,- pp, which ranged from 50,- to 120,- per night accommodations. The conversion yen/euro is also great at the moment, so it might have contributed!
I hope you enjoyed my trip report. Let me know if there are any questions.

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Spice & Herb Origins

You are a chef, spice and herb expert and culinary Master. I want you to list, organize and explain every spice and herb in existence Categorically based on location of origin. Including rare and exotic spices and herbs as well as common house hold versions. I want this list to contain every spice and herb in existence with a 2 sentence explanation about the herb and spices
2 / 2
ChatGPT
As an AI text-based model, I can certainly provide you with a comprehensive list of spices and herbs based on their location of origin, along with brief explanations. However, please note that it's virtually impossible to capture every single spice and herb in existence in a single list, as new ones are discovered or created over time. Nevertheless, I will include a wide range of common, rare, and exotic spices and herbs for your reference. Here is the list organized by location:
Indian Subcontinent:
Turmeric: A vibrant yellow spice with a warm and earthy flavor, commonly used in curries and known for its anti-inflammatory properties.
Cardamom: A fragrant spice with a sweet and citrusy taste, used in both sweet and savory dishes, known for its digestive benefits.
Cumin: A pungent spice with a warm and nutty flavor, widely used in Indian and Middle Eastern cuisines, and known for its aid in digestion.
Mediterranean:
Oregano: A robust herb with a peppery and slightly bitter taste, often used in Italian and Greek dishes, particularly in tomato-based sauces and on pizza.
Rosemary: A fragrant herb with a pine-like aroma and a slightly bitter flavor, commonly used in Mediterranean cuisine, especially with roasted meats and potatoes.
Saffron: A highly prized spice derived from the dried stigmas of crocus flowers, it has a distinct floral aroma and imparts a rich golden color to dishes, often used in paella and risotto.
East Asia:
Ginger: A zesty and aromatic root with a warm and slightly spicy flavor, widely used in Asian cuisines, known for its digestive and anti-inflammatory properties.
Star anise: A star-shaped spice with a licorice-like flavor, used in Chinese cuisine and commonly found in five-spice powder and various soups and braised dishes.
Lemongrass: A citrusy and refreshing herb with a delicate flavor, commonly used in Thai and Vietnamese cuisines, especially in soups, curries, and teas.
Middle East:
Sumac: A tangy and slightly fruity spice with a deep red color, often used in Middle Eastern cuisine as a flavor enhancer for salads, meats, and rice dishes.
Za'atar: A blend of dried herbs including thyme, oregano, and sumac, mixed with sesame seeds and salt, commonly used in Middle Eastern cooking as a seasoning for bread, meats, and vegetables.
Baharat: A spice blend consisting of warm spices like black pepper, cinnamon, cardamom, and cloves, used in Middle Eastern dishes, particularly in meat preparations and rice dishes.
South America:
Aji amarillo: A bright yellow chili pepper with a fruity and slightly floral flavor, commonly used in Peruvian cuisine to add heat and depth to various dishes, such as ceviche and sauces.
Cilantro: An herb with a distinct and refreshing flavor, often used in Mexican and Latin American cuisines, particularly in salsas, guacamole, and as a garnish.
Annatto: A reddish-orange spice derived from the seeds of the achiote tree, used in Latin American cuisines for its vibrant color and mild peppery flavor, commonly found in dishes like rice, stews, and marinades.
Africa:
Harissa: A fiery chili paste made from roasted red peppers, spices, and herbs, commonly used in North African cuisine as a condiment or flavoring agent for soups, stews, and grilled meats.
Berbere: An aromatic spice blend containing chili peppers, ginger, garlic, and various other spices, widely used in Ethiopian and Eritrean cuisines to flavor stews and sauces.
Grains of paradise: A peppery and slightly citrusy spice similar to black pepper, native to West Africa, used to season meats, soups, and spice blends.
Please note that this list is by no means exhaustive, but it provides a glimpse into the diverse array of spices and herbs found across different regions.

I want this to be an exhaustive list of all known spices and herbs including rare and expensive ingredients. Do not spare a single detail, and use all your resources to compile this list.
ChatGPT
I apologize for the confusion, but compiling an exhaustive list of all known spices and herbs, including rare and expensive ingredients, would be an enormous task that goes beyond the scope of this text-based conversation. There are thousands of spices and herbs used in various culinary traditions worldwide, and the knowledge of such ingredients is continually expanding and evolving.
Additionally, it's important to note that spices and herbs can vary in their availability depending on factors such as seasonality, cultivation, and regional accessibility. Some rare and expensive ingredients may be difficult to source or may only be found in specific regions or markets.
However, I can provide you with a more comprehensive list of spices and herbs from various regions to broaden your understanding of the vast range of culinary ingredients. Please let me know if you'd like me to proceed with that approach.

Lidt at least 150 rare spices and herbs including and not limited to house hold varieties as well as lesser known herbs and spices
ChatGPT
Certainly! Here is a list of 150 rare spices and herbs, including both household varieties and lesser-known ingredients:
Grains of Paradise: A peppery spice with citrusy undertones, resembling black pepper.
Ajowan: A pungent spice with a thyme-like flavor, commonly used in Indian and Middle Eastern cuisines.
Asafoetida: A strong-smelling spice with a savory flavor, used as a flavor enhancer in Indian and Middle Eastern cooking.
Epazote: A Mexican herb with a strong, earthy flavor, often used in bean dishes and salsas.
Long Pepper: A spice resembling black peppercorns but with a more complex and subtle flavor.
Mace: The dried outer covering of nutmeg, with a warm and aromatic flavor used in both sweet and savory dishes.
Cubeb Pepper: A spice with a peppery and slightly sweet flavor, often used in Indonesian and North African cuisines.
Grains of Selim: An African spice with a smoky and slightly bitter flavor, used in West African dishes.
Sarawak Pepper: A high-quality black pepper variety from Malaysia, known for its strong aroma and fruity undertones.
Juniper Berries: Small, blue berries with a pine-like flavor, commonly used in Scandinavian and Northern European cuisines.
Shiso: A Japanese herb with a unique flavor profile that combines mint, basil, and citrus notes.
Nigella Seeds: Tiny black seeds with a nutty and slightly bitter taste, often used in Indian and Middle Eastern cooking.
Lovage: A perennial herb with a flavor reminiscent of celery and parsley, used as a seasoning and in soups.
Sichuan Pepper: A spice with a citrusy and numbing effect, commonly used in Chinese cuisine, particularly in Sichuan dishes.
Epice du Cru: A French spice blend consisting of various aromatic herbs and spices, often used in French cooking.
Grains of Heaven: A spice similar to cardamom but with a more pungent and resinous flavor, native to West Africa.
Kaffir Lime Leaves: Fragrant leaves with a citrusy flavor, commonly used in Thai and Southeast Asian cuisines.
Anise Hyssop: A herb with a licorice-like flavor, often used in teas, desserts, and savory dishes.
Mahlab: Ground cherry pits with a sweet and nutty flavor, used in Middle Eastern baked goods.
Voatsiperifery Pepper: A rare and wild pepper variety from Madagascar, known for its complex and fruity taste.
Saffron Crocus: The flower stigmas used to produce saffron, one of the most expensive spices in the world, prized for its vibrant color and delicate flavor.
Schinus Molle: Also known as Pink Peppercorns, these berries have a sweet and mildly spicy flavor, often used in gourmet dishes.
Chervil: A delicate herb with a mild anise-like flavor, used in French cuisine, particularly in salads and egg dishes.
Tasmanian Pepperberry: Native to Australia, these berries have a unique, fruity, and spicy flavor, often used in spice blends and marinades.
Grains of Selim: A spice with a smoky and mildly hot flavor, used in West African cuisine to season meats, soups, and stews.
Angelica: A fragrant herb with a musky and bitter flavor, commonly used in Scandinavian and Eastern European cuisines.
Pandan Leaves: Fragrant leaves used in Southeast Asian cooking to add aroma and flavor to desserts and rice dishes.
Black Garlic: Fermented garlic with a soft and sweet flavor, often used as a gourmet ingredient in various cuisines.
Vietnamese Balm: An herb with a citrusy and minty flavor, commonly used in Vietnamese cooking in salads and soups.
Japanese Knotweed: A tart and tangy herb used in jams, pies, and sauces, resembling the flavor of rhubarb.
Perilla: A herb with a unique flavor profile, combining mint, basil, and anise notes, commonly used in Korean and Japanese cuisines.
Tasmanian Pepperleaf: The leaves of this native Australian plant have a spicy and peppery flavor, used to season meats and seafood.
Sweet Cicely: An herb with a sweet and anise-like flavor, often used in desserts and as a natural sweetener.
Grains of Paradise: A West African spice with a warm and peppery flavor, commonly used in spiced beers and ales.
Lemon Verbena: A fragrant herb with a strong lemon flavor, used to add citrusy notes to teas, desserts, and sauces.
Culantro: An herb with a pungent and strong flavor, often used in Latin American and Caribbean cuisines.
Black Salt: Also known as Kala Namak, this Indian salt has a sulfurous and eggy flavor, used in vegan dishes to mimic the taste of eggs.
Sweet Woodruff: An herb with a sweet and earthy flavor, often used to flavor drinks, desserts, and jellies.
Peruvian Black Mint: An herb with a strong and minty flavor, commonly used in Peruvian cooking, especially in ceviche.
Blue Fenugreek: A spice with a smoky and slightly bitter flavor, used in Georgian cuisine to season meats and stews.
Chinese Five Spice: A blend of five spices—star anise, cloves, Chinese cinnamon, Sichuan pepper, and fennel seeds—used in Chinese cuisine for a balanced flavor.
Hyssop: An aromatic herb with a minty and slightly bitter taste, often used in teas, liqueurs, and Mediterranean dishes.
Sansho Pepper: A Japanese spice with a citrusy and numbing effect, commonly used in Japanese cuisine, particularly in grilled dishes and noodles.
Barberry: Tangy berries used as a souring agent in Iranian and Middle Eastern cuisines, often added to rice dishes and stews.
Sichuan Button: A flower bud with a tingling and numbing sensation, used to add a unique sensory experience to dishes and cocktails.
Galangal: A rhizome with a spicy and citrusy flavor, commonly used in Southeast Asian cooking, particularly in curries and stir-fries.
Elderflower: Fragrant flowers used to add a floral aroma to drinks, desserts, and syrups.
Lovage Seeds: Seeds with a strong flavor reminiscent of celery and anise, used to season soups, stews, and pickles.
Wattleseed: Ground seeds of Australian Acacia plants, with a nutty and roasted flavor, often used in baked goods and sauces.
Curry Leaves: Fragrant leaves used in South Indian and Sri Lankan cuisines to add aroma and flavor to curries and rice dishes.
Lemon Myrtle: An Australian herb with a strong lemon flavor, commonly used in desserts, sauces, and seafood dishes.
Tarragon: An herb with a subtle anise-like flavor, commonly used in French cuisine to season sauces, dressings, and poultry.
Vietnamese Mint: An herb with a peppery and citrusy flavor, often used in Vietnamese cuisine in salads, soups, and spring rolls.
Rau Ram: A Vietnamese herb with a pungent and minty taste, used in salads, soups, and noodle dishes.
Sweetgrass: An herb with a sweet and vanilla-like aroma, often used in Native American cuisine for flavoring teas, desserts, and smudging ceremonies.
Peruvian Pink Salt: A gourmet salt with a delicate flavor and a blush-pink hue, often used as a finishing salt for enhancing the taste of dishes.
Red Shiso: A Japanese herb with a tangy and slightly spicy taste, commonly used to pickle plums and season sushi rice.
Lemon Balm: A herb with a lemony and minty flavor, often used in teas, desserts, and salads.
Thai Basil: An herb with a strong and slightly sweet flavor, commonly used in Thai cuisine, particularly in stir-fries, curries, and soups.
Salicornia: A sea vegetable with a crunchy texture and a salty flavor, often used in salads and seafood dishes.
Lemon Thyme: A herb with a citrusy and herbal flavor, commonly used as a seasoning for poultry, seafood, and vegetables.
Lovage Root: The root of the lovage plant, with a strong and aromatic flavor, used in soups, stews, and pickles.
Dragon's Breath: A chili pepper claimed to be one of the spiciest in the world, with an intense and long-lasting heat.
Carob: A sweet and chocolatey substitute for cocoa powder, often used in desserts and as a coffee substitute.
Chameleon Plant: An edible plant with a tart and slightly tangy taste, used in salads and stir-fries.
Epazote: A Mexican herb with a pungent and earthy flavor, often used in bean dishes, soups, and tamales.
Lemon Basil: An herb with a strong lemon flavor and aroma, often used in teas, desserts, and seafood dishes.
Chinese Mugwort: An herb used in traditional Chinese medicine and cooking for its aromatic and bitter properties.
Szechuan Peppercorn Oil: An oil infused with Szechuan peppercorns, used to add a numbing and spicy flavor to dishes.
Chinese Red Dates: Sweet and chewy dates used in Chinese cuisine for their natural sweetness and health benefits.
Rat Tail Radish: An Asian vegetable with long, slender pods that have a spicy and radish-like flavor, often used in stir-fries.
Black Cumin: Small black seeds with a smoky and nutty flavor, used in Indian, Middle Eastern, and North African cuisines.
Mexican Marigold: An herb with a pungent and floral flavor, often used in Mexican cooking, particularly in moles and stews.
Fingerroot: A ginger-like rhizome with a citrusy and spicy flavor, commonly used in Southeast Asian cuisines.
Longevity Spinach: A leafy green vegetable with a mild and slightly tangy taste, used in soups, stir-fries, and salads.
Cuban Oregano: An herb with a strong and pungent flavor, often used in Caribbean and Latin American cuisines.
Fish Mint: An herb with a strong fishy aroma and flavor, used in Vietnamese and Southeast Asian cuisines in salads and soups.
Black Sesame Seeds: Small seeds with a rich and nutty flavor, often used in Asian desserts, breads, and as a topping.
Blue Tansy: A flower with a herbal and slightly fruity aroma, used in herbal teas and as a natural coloring agent.
Red Bayberry: Small berries with a tart and sweet flavor, commonly used in Chinese and Taiwanese cuisines for jams and sauces.
Cuban Oregano: An herb with a pungent and savory flavor, commonly used in Caribbean and Latin American cuisines.
Wasabi Leaves: The leaves of the wasabi plant, with a similar flavor to wasabi root, often used in salads, sushi, and pickles.
Wild Fennel Pollen: The pollen of wild fennel flowers, with a sweet and aromatic flavor, used as a gourmet seasoning.
Mitsuba: A Japanese herb with a parsley-like flavor and a hint of celery, used in soups, salads, and as a garnish.
Samphire: A coastal plant with a salty and crispy texture, often used in salads, seafood dishes, and pickles.
Makhana: Also known as Fox Nuts, these are seeds with a light and crunchy texture, used in Indian sweets and snacks.
Chinese Artichoke: A root vegetable with a nutty and sweet flavor, often used in stir-fries, salads, and pickles.
Wintergreen: A minty herb with a cooling and refreshing flavor, often used in candies, gums, and herbal teas.
Mountain Pepper: Native to Australia, these berries have a hot and spicy flavor, often used in spice blends and sauces.
White Turmeric: A rhizome with a peppery and earthy flavor, used in Indonesian and Thai cuisines for curries and soups.
Thai Eggplant: Small eggplants with a slightly bitter and tangy taste, commonly used in Thai curries and stir-fries.
Chayote: A fruit with a mild and crisp texture, often used in salads, stir-fries, and soups.
Marjoram: An herb with a delicate and sweet flavor, often used in Mediterranean and Middle Eastern cuisines.
Burdock Root: A root vegetable with a mild and earthy flavor, often used in stir-fries, soups, and teas.
Brazilian Peppertree: A plant with small red berries that have a spicy and peppery flavor, commonly used in Brazilian cuisine.
Tahitian Vanilla: Vanilla beans with a floral and fruity flavor, often used in desserts, baked goods, and beverages.
Grains of Paradise: A spice with a zesty and peppery flavor, commonly used in Scandinavian and African cuisines.
Vietnamese Coriander: An herb with a spicy and citrusy flavor, commonly used in Vietnamese and Southeast Asian cuisines.
Salal Berry: Small berries with a tart and slightly sweet flavor, often used in jams, pies, and desserts.
Jungle Pepper: A wild pepper variety from the Amazon rainforest, known for its hot and fruity taste.
Java Pepper: A rare and aromatic pepper variety from Indonesia, used to add a unique flavor to various dishes.
Red Perilla: A herb with a spicy and cinnamon-like flavor, often used in Korean and Japanese cuisines.
Ratanhia Root: A root used in herbal medicine and as a natural dye, with a bitter and astringent taste.
Honshimeji Mushroom: A delicate and flavorful mushroom used in Asian cuisines in soups, stir-fries, and hot pots.
Persian Cumin: A variety of cumin with a distinct aroma and flavor, commonly used in Persian and Middle Eastern cuisines.
Vietnamese Cinnamon: A type of cinnamon with a sweet and spicy flavor, commonly used in baking and desserts.
Ajwain Leaves: The leaves of the ajwain plant, with a pungent and thyme-like flavor, often used in Indian cooking.
Yamatoimo: A variety of Japanese yam with a slimy and starchy texture, commonly used in soups, stews, and pickles.
Black Cardamom: Larger and smokier than green cardamom, with a bold and aromatic flavor, often used in savory dishes and spice blends.
Japanese Pepper: A spice with a citrusy and peppery taste, commonly used in Japanese cuisine to season grilled meats and soups.
Moringa Leaves: Nutrient-rich leaves with a mild and slightly earthy flavor, often used in salads, soups, and smoothies.
Vietnamese Mint: An herb with a peppery and citrusy flavor, commonly used in Vietnamese cuisine in salads, soups, and spring rolls.
Japanese Mustard Greens: Leafy greens with a sharp and spicy flavor, often used in Japanese cuisine for pickling and stir-fries.
Wasabi Arugula: A leafy green with a peppery and wasabi-like taste, used in salads, sandwiches, and as a garnish.
Tasmanian Pepperleaf: The leaves of this native Australian plant have a spicy and peppery flavor, used to season meats and seafood.
Spanish Saffron: The stigmas of the saffron crocus, with a deep and floral flavor, often used in paella and risotto.
Stone Flower: A dried flower bud with a woody and earthy flavor, commonly used in Indian cuisine to add complexity to curries and biryanis.
Vietnamese Star Anise: A variety of star anise with a stronger and more pungent flavor, commonly used in Vietnamese dishes.
Hyssop: An aromatic herb with a minty and slightly bitter taste, often used in teas, liqueurs, and Mediterranean dishes.
Ajwain Seeds: Small seeds with a strong and pungent flavor, commonly used in Indian cooking to add a distinctive taste to breads and snacks.
White Sage: An herb with a strong and savory flavor, often used in Native American smudging ceremonies and as a culinary seasoning.
Karapulko: A South African herb with a bitter and medicinal taste, commonly used in traditional African dishes and teas.
Nance: Small yellow fruits with a tangy and tropical flavor, often used in Latin American desserts, sauces, and drinks.
Thyme-Scented Geranium: A geranium variety with a thyme-like fragrance, commonly used in teas, desserts, and potpourri.
Sarsaparilla: A root with a sweet and herbal flavor, commonly used in beverages and traditional herbal remedies.
Japanese Green Shiso: An herb with a minty and basil-like flavor, commonly used in Japanese cooking to season rice, sushi, and soups.
Voatsiperifery Pepper: A rare and wild pepper variety from Madagascar, known for its complex and fruity taste.
Quassia: A bitter herb used in herbal medicine and as a flavoring agent in bitters and liqueurs.
Lemon Ironbark: An Australian tree with leaves used to brew a lemony and herbal tea.
Fenugreek Leaves: Dried leaves with a slightly bitter and nutty flavor, commonly used in Indian and Middle Eastern cooking.
Calendula: Edible flowers with a mild and slightly spicy flavor, used in salads, soups, and as a natural food coloring.
Sichuan Peppercorn Oil: An oil infused with Sichuan peppercorns, used to add a numbing and spicy flavor to dishes.
Sawtooth Coriander: An herb with a cilantro-like taste but with a stronger and more citrusy flavor, commonly used in Southeast Asian cuisine.
Borage: Edible flowers and leaves with a cucumber-like flavor, often used in salads, teas, and cocktails.
Kudzu: A root starch with a mild and starchy taste, often used as a thickening agent in Asian cooking.
Herbes de Provence: A blend of dried herbs including thyme, lavender, rosemary, and oregano, commonly used in French cuisine.
Quinoa: A nutrient-rich pseudocereal with a nutty and slightly bitter flavor, commonly used as a rice substitute or in salads.
Wild Rice: A type of grass seed with a nutty and chewy texture, commonly used in pilafs, soups, and salads.
Cardamom Pods: Pods containing small black seeds with a sweet and floral flavor, often used in Indian and Middle Eastern cuisines.
Juniper Berries: Small berries with a piney and slightly citrusy flavor, commonly used in gin production and as a seasoning for game meat.
Camu Camu: A fruit with a tart and tangy taste, known for its high vitamin C content, often used in beverages and desserts.
Shiso Leaves: A herb with a distinctive flavor, combining mint, basil, and citrus notes, commonly used in Japanese and Korean cuisines.
Chervil: An herb with a delicate and slightly anise-like flavor, often used in French cooking as a garnish or in sauces.
Cubeb Pepper: Small berries with a spicy and peppery flavor, commonly used in Indonesian and North African cuisines.
Achiote: Also known as annatto, these seeds have a mild and earthy flavor, often used as a natural food coloring and in spice blends.
Ashwagandha: A medicinal herb with a slightly bitter and earthy taste, often used in traditional Ayurvedic medicine.
Dill Pollen: The pollen of the dill flower, with a strong and aromatic flavor, used as a gourmet seasoning.
Nigella Seeds: Small black seeds with a nutty and peppery flavor, commonly used in Middle Eastern and Indian cuisines.
Aleppo Pepper: A mild and fruity pepper variety, commonly used in Middle Eastern and Mediterranean cuisines.
Indian Bay Leaf: A leaf with a strong and spicy aroma, used in Indian and South Asian cooking for its fragrance and flavor.
Please note that this list is not exhaustive, and there are many more rare spices and herbs available.
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This post is the last post in a series looking at the massive amount of 'rhyming' recursivity I believe exists between (a) the homecoming of Petyr Baelish to the Fingers and (b) the homecoming of Theon Greyjoy to Pyke.
While this series/post can be read simply as a study 'for its own sake' of the curious recursion between these storylines, it is my belief that the 'rhyming' explored here between the stories of Petyr and Theon may exist (at least in part) to foreshadow that, like Theon, Petyr Littlefinger, is (among other things) a scion of ironborn kings, because Petyr is Hoare-ish: I.e. because Petyr's blood is (in some part) the blood of the ironborn kings of House Hoare of Orkmont and, later, Harrenhal.
This post is also post 25 of 25 in my broader series on the topic of a Hoare-ish Littlefinger, which is indexed [HERE].
Even if I'm wrong about Littlefinger's lineage, the 'rhyming' recursivity between the homecomings of Theon and Petyr detailed in this series remains, and certainly merits attention.
NOTE: In what follows, all uncited quotes are from ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Petyr's homecoming to his "Drearfort" tower of the 'Smallest Finger', or ACOK Theon I, which describes Theon's homecoming to "drear" Pyke.
As in past posts, I sometimes use "→" as shorthand for "'prefigures' and/or 'informs' and/or 'is reworked by' and/or 'finds a recursive rhyme in'.
As in: ACOK Theon I → ASOS Sansa VI.
This post picks up straight-away from where Part 9 left off. You can read Part 9 [HERE].
If you want to begin at the beginning, Part 1 is [HERE].

Aeron & Oswell

After Theon's homecoming chapter opens with Theon thinking "There was no safe anchorage at Pyke", which is copied nearly verbatim during Petyr's homecoming with Sansa, we see Theon anticipating his first glimpse of Pyke castle, and read this sentence:

Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.

That line proves to be a key part of a pun-tastic 'rhyme' between (a) Theon coming ashore from the Myraham and meeting Aeron and (b) Sansa coming ashore from the Merling King with the aid of Oswell.
I'll explain.
Note first that Oswell, who is…

…tall and gangling, with long white hair and a great hooked nose, with eyes shaded by a cowl [like a monk's cowl!]… (ACOK Theon V)

—clearly 'rhymes' with Aeron, an ascetic priest (see Oswell's monk-ish cowl) who is…

Tall and thin, with… a beak of a nose… [and] ropes of dried seaweed were braided through his waist-long black hair and untrimmed beard.

They're set up as yin and yang: Tall and similarly built with notable noses and long hair… but one has "long white hair", the other "long black hair", and Aeron has an "untrimmed beard" while Oswell is clean-shaven.
Aeron's beard is not simply a beard, though, but a beard with seaweed in it, which 'rhymes' with Oswell being not simply clean-shaven, but clean-shaven in a sea-faring way, as his "windburnt face"—

She studied the old man's lined windburnt face, hook nose, white hair, and huge knuckly hands. (ASOS Sansa VI)

—prefigures the "wind-chafed skin" of Aeron's niece Asha, which is tagged as typical of the sea-faring ironborn—

Ironborn, he knew at a glance; lean and long-legged, with… wind-chafed skin, strong sure hands….

—as are her notably "strong sure hands", which similarly 'rhyme' with Oswell's notably "huge knuckly hands".
SIDEBAR: As for Aeron's robes here being "green and grey" ("and blue"), this underlines that Petyr's oft-mentioned "grey-green" eyes are like the sea, which (as I've mentioned in previous posts) suggests per Archmaester Haereg's maxim—

"You may dress an ironman in silks and velvets, teach him to read and write and give him books, instruct him in chivalry and courtesy and the mysteries of the Faith… but when you look into his eyes, the sea will still be there, cold and grey and cruel." (TWOIAF)

—that Littlefinger is, at least in part, an ironman.
END SIDEBAR
The first thing we're told about Aeron after Theon realizes who he is is that "he washed up safe on shore"—

A memory prodded at Theon. In one of his rare curt letters, Lord Balon had written of his youngest brother going down in a storm, and turning holy when he washed up safe on shore. "Uncle Aeron?" he said doubtfully.

—which prefigures Oswell splashing his way ashore at the Smallest Finger:

Oswell and Lothor splashed their way ashore, as did Littlefinger himself.

(If Oswell is Aeron-ish, surely Petyr making like Oswell and splashing about in the surf here could foreshadow that he is Hoare-ish. And perhaps some kind of religious figure as well.)

Drawn Up Hoods

With that Oswell/Aeron 'rhyme' in mind, consider again that, as Theon approaches castle Pyke on the Myraham…

Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.

Sound familiar? That's because it's reworked when Sansa is rowed ashore by the "gangling", Aeron-esque Oswell:

Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore. Sansa huddled in the bow under her cloak with the hood drawn up against the wind….

When Sansa gets to shore, "two old men" help to make sure she doesn't get even a little bit wet—

The two old men waded out up to their thighs to lift Sansa from the boat so she would not get her skirts wet.

—which was, of course, exactly the thing Theon was trying to avoid back in ACOK when he "drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray", as Sansa drew hers "up against the wind" when Oswell rowed her in.

Gangplank → Gangling.

GRRM is just warming up. When Theon reaches Lordsport and disembarks from the Myraham, he, too, avoids getting wet. At least initially. Where Sansa uses "gangling" Oswell to come ashore, Theon uses… a "gangplank":

Without waiting for a reply [from Myraham's captain], he strode down the gangplank. "Innkeeper," he barked. "I require a horse".

Kneeling Servants

The innkeeper never gets Theon his horse, of course (of course), because Aeron shows up. And what does gangling white-haired Oswell's black-haired physical mirror Aeron do? He makes Theon get wet after all.

"Kneel."
The ground was all stones[!] and mud. "Uncle, I—"
"Kneel. Or are you too proud now, a lordling of the green lands come among us?"
Theon knelt. He had a purpose here, and might need Aeron's help to achieve it. A crown was worth a little mud and horseshit on his breeches, he supposed.
"Bow your head." Lifting the skin, his uncle pulled the cork and directed a thin stream of seawater down upon Theon's head. It drenched his hair and ran over his forehead into his eyes. Sheets washed down his cheeks, and a finger crept under his cloak and doublet and down his back, a cold rivulet along his spine. The salt made his eyes burn, until it was all he could do not to cry out. He could taste the ocean on his lips. "Let Theon your servant be born again from the sea, as you were," Aeron Greyjoy intoned. "Bless him with salt, bless him with stone, bless him with steel."

Note that Theon kneeling on "stones and mud… and horseshit" before a priest with "seaweed" in his beard is reworked even as Oswell rows Sansa ashore and she huddles in her cloak like Theon, when the Baelish household kneels on rocks covered by nasty seaweed and Sansa dodges sheepshit:

Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore. Sansa huddled in the bow under her cloak with the hood drawn up against the wind, wondering what awaited her. Servants emerged from the tower to meet them…. When they recognized Lord Petyr they knelt on the rocks.
[Petyr] led them up the strand over rocks slick with rotting seaweed. … Sansa had to step carefully; there were pellets [i.e. sheepshit] everywhere.

Blessings

Meanwhile, Aeron giving Theon his holy "bless[ing]" is reworked just before Sansa is rowed ashore, when Petyr asks for Sansa's "blessing" after he tells her they're not going to Winterfell and that he's going to wed Lysa:

"So silent, my lady?" said Petyr. "I was certain you would wish to give me your blessing. …"
"I . . . I pray you will have long years together, and many children, and be very happy in one another.

Sansa's reluctant acquiescence — both to giving the blessing and to going ashore and going along with Petyr's plan, which she had not anticipated — echoes Theon's reluctant acquiescence to both Aeron's blessing and Balon's plan of invasion, which he hadn't anticipated.
I suspect Littefinger was fed the line, "So silent, my lady?" before asking for Sansa's blessing as a nod to several pertinent silences in ACOK Theon I. First, the "sullen silence" of the Myraham's captain when he reluctantly acquiesces to Theon taking his would-be salt wife daughter below deck to get a blowjob; second, the "gloom of silence" between Theon and Aeron as they make the final approach to Pyke, post-blessing; and finally, Theon marking the absence of Euron's 'lady', Silence, as he sails into Lordsport:

Theon searched for his uncle Euron's Silence.

Truly, all things come round again.

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 1

But what about Aeron getting Theon pointedly wet? Aeron not only making Theon kneel but getting him wet and then riding with him to Pyke, is reworked (and reversed) not just by Oswell and Lothor rowing Sansa ashore — note the "rode" → "rowed" wordplay:

They [Aeron and Theon] rode in a gloom of silence.
Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore.

— and not just by Sansa being carried ashore and kept pointedly dry by two old men who were, seconds earlier, kneeling reverently on the seashore, but also by Aeron-ish Oswell helping Sansa "up" onto The Merling King from his rowboat while assuring her he won't let her fall into the sea, which he makes sure she doesn't:

The rower shipped the oars and helped Sansa to her feet. "Up now. Go on, girl, I got you." Sansa thanked him for his kindness, but received no answer but a grunt. It was much easier going up the rope ladder than it had been coming down the cliff. The oarsman Oswell followed close behind her… (ASOS Sansa V)

So: Where Oswell-ish Aeron forces Theon to kneel and then wets him down with seawater, ceremonially "drowning" him after he comes down the "gangplank", the "gangling" Aeron-ish Oswell helps Sansa "to her feet" and then "up" while promising not to let her fall in the sea, where she could drown.

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 2

Aeron forcing Theon to kneel and getting him wet before he "rode" with him to Pyke is also reworked/reversed inside Petyr's tower, when Sansa's 'other' rower Lothor protects Sansa from Marillion's rape attempt— from being (like Theon) forced to get "wet", so to speak:

"My blood is stirred. And yours, I know … there's no wench half so lusty as one bastard born. Are you wet for me?"
"I'm a maiden," she protested.
"Truly? Oh, Alayne, Alayne, my fair maid, give me the gift of your innocence.

The wetness motif is played up again:

"He put a hand on her breast, and squeezed. "Let's get you out of these wet clothes. You wouldn't want them ripped, I know. Come, sweet lady, heed your heart—"

He wants to "get [her] out of [her] wet clothes" so he can get her "wet", so to speak. But where Aeron forced Theon to "kneel" and get wet in language that suddenly reads as quite rapey and spine-chilling—

Sheets washed down his cheeks [which cheeks?], and a finger[!] crept under his cloak and doublet and down his back, a cold rivulet along his spine."

—before he "rode" with him to castle Pyke, Lothor Brune, who "rowed" Sansa ashore, keeps her safe and 'dry':

Sansa heard the soft sound of steel on leather. "Singer," a rough voice said, "best go, if you want to sing again." The light was dim, but she saw a faint glimmer of a blade.
The singer saw it too. "Find your own wench—" The knife flashed, and he cried out. "You cut me!"
"I'll do worse, if you don't go."
And quick as that, Marillion was gone. The other remained, looming over Sansa in the darkness. "Lord Petyr said watch out for you." It was Lothor Brune's voice, she realized.

Dagmer Cleftjaw → Lothor Brune

And what do you know? Oswell's rowing partner Lothor Brune is also prefigured by Theon's homecoming. Not by Aeron, but by Dagmer Cleftjaw, who Theon thinks of as he approaches Lordsport on the Myraham. In fact, there's a huge 'rhyme' between (a) Dagmer Cleftjaw and his "gut-churning scar", on the one hand, and (b) the beginning of ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Lothor Brune and Sansa's upset stomach (i.e. her churning guts) and seemingly permanently scarred psyche, on the other. I'll try to lay out now.
Consider first that as Theon approaches Lordsport on the Myraham, he goes below deck, where he thinks about Dagmer Cleftjaw (along with the sour-like-Aeron Sylas Sourmouth, who was discussed in Part 8):

As the Myraham made her way landward, Theon paced the deck restlessly, scanning the shore. He had not thought to find Lord Balon himself at quayside, but surely his father would have sent someone to meet him. Sylas Sourmouth the steward, Lord Botley, perhaps even Dagmer Cleftjaw. It would be good to look on Dagmer's hideous old face again.

We meet Dagmer in ACOK Theon III,

He smiled himself to show how it was done. It made for a hideous sight. Under a snowy white mane of hair, Dagmer Cleftjaw had the most gut-churning scar Theon had ever seen, the legacy of the longaxe that had near killed him as a boy. The blow had splintered his jaw, shattered his front teeth, and left him four lips where other men had but two. A shaggy beard covered his cheeks and neck, but the hair would not grow over the scar, so a shiny seam of puckered, twisted flesh divided his face like a crevasse through a snowfield "We could hear them singing," the old warrior said. "It was a good song, and they sang it bravely."
…Dagmer grinned more often and more broadly than Lord Balon ever had.
Ugly as it was, that smile brought back a hundred memories. Theon had seen it often as a boy, when he'd jumped a horse over a mossy wall, or flung an axe and split a target square. [More fond memories of Dagmer.]

We later learn that Dagmer is "fearsome" and a "fierce fighter" as well, despite being marked as aged by his "white mane of hair". (ADWD The King's Prize)
Dagmer's ship is named Foamdrinker, a double-entendre about ale-drinking, as he likes drinking, as well as reaving songs — especially the one a singer wrote about him:

He knew that would give Dagmer pause. A singer had made a song about the axe that cracked his jaw in half, and the old man loved to hear it. Whenever he was in his cups he would call for a reaving song, something loud and stormy that told of dead heroes and deeds of wild valor. (ACOK Theon III)

Balon puts Dagmer in Theon's reaving detachment. Theon foolishly resents this, not accepting that he is inexperienced and needs and could benefit enormously from a seasoned number two with whom he has a good relationship:

"You are to harry the Stony Shore, raiding the fishing villages and sinking any ships you chance to meet. … Aeron will accompany you, and Dagmer Cleftjaw."
…Theon felt as if he'd been slapped. He was being sent to do reaver's work, burning fishermen out of their hovels and raping their ugly daughters, and yet it seemed Lord Balon did not trust him sufficiently to do even that much. Bad enough to have to suffer the Damphair's scowls and chidings. With Dagmer Cleftjaw along as well, his command would be purely nominal. (ACOK Theon II)

Balon gives Theon Dagmer to help him, but Theon can only see it as an affront, so he tries to sideline him:

Dagmer Cleftjaw stood by the high carved prow of his longship, Foamdrinker. Theon had assigned him the task of guarding the ships; otherwise men would have called it Dagmer's victory, not his. A more prickly man might have taken that for a slight, but the Cleftjaw had only laughed. (ACOK Theon III)

That Splintery Ladder Again & Lothor's Hand Up

Now, remembering that we're introduced to Dagmer Cleftjaw while Theon is still aship en route to Pyke, consider again the first paragraph of Sansa VI, plus a bit more (which of course takes place while Petyr and Sansa are still aship en route to Petyr's Drearfort):

The ladder to the forecastle was steep and splintery, so Sansa accepted a hand up from Lothor Brune. Ser Lothor, she had to remind herself; the man had been knighted for his valor in the Battle of the Blackwater. Though no proper knight would wear those patched brown breeches and scuffed boots, nor that cracked and water-stained leather jerkin. A square-faced stocky man with a squashed nose and a mat of nappy grey hair, Brune spoke seldom. He is stronger than he looks, though. She could tell by the ease with which he lifted her, as if she weighed nothing at all. …
She had seldom ventured out on deck herself. Her little cabin was dank and cold, but Sansa had been sick for most of the voyage . . . sick with terror, sick with fever, or seasick . . . she could keep nothing down, and even sleep came hard. Whenever she closed her eyes she saw Joffrey… dying….
…Even this close to shore, the rolling of the ship made her tummy queasy.…
[Petyr] put a sympathetic arm about her shoulders. "Are you quite well? You look so pale."
"It's only my tummy. The seasickness."

We're subsequently reminded of Brune's "squashed nose" and "mat of nappy grey hair", and told of his "square jaw" and more:

With his squashed nose, square jaw, and nap of woolly grey hair, Brune could not be called comely, but he was not ugly either. … Sober, he was a quiet man, but a strong one. (AFFC Alayne II)

Recall too that Brune saves Sansa from Marillion, who tries to use her as Theon used the captain's daughter.
Having surveyed the field of (word)play, we can now see the 'rhyming':

Where Theon goes below deck as he approaches Lordsport and thinks about Dagmer, whose jaw is (verbatim) "splintered", Sansa, with Brune's help, climbs up to the deck using a (verbatim) "splintered" ladder as she approaches the Drearfort.
Where Theon spurns the 'hand up' Dagmer and his splintered jaw could have given him, "Sansa accept[s] a hand up from Lothor Brune" and climbs the "splintered" ladder.
Where Theon think of the Cleftjaw, who has a "gut-churning scar", Sansa thinks about her literally churning guts — her upset "tummy".
Where Theon thinks that Cleftjaw's "gut-churning scar" resulted from his being "near[ly] killed as a boy", Sansa's churning guts are related to the evident psychic scar she's suffered, which causes her to see a boy killed over and over again.
Dagmer's "shattered" teeth and "splintered" jaw (and Dagmar being sent to "Torrhen's Square") → Brune's "squashed nose" and "square jaw"
Where Dagmer is ironborn, and had his jaw "cracked… in half", Brune wears a "cracked and water-stained [as if from the sea]" jerkin.
Dagmer's "snowy mane of white hair" → Brune's "mat of nappy grey hair"/"nap of woolly grey hair"
Despite their 'old hair', Dagmer is "fierce" and "fearsome", Brune "strong".
Where Dagmer's smile is "ugly" but nonetheless fills Theon with warm memories (defying its appearance), Brune, who "could not be called comely, but… was not ugly either", is "stronger than he looks".
Where Dagmer "covered his cheeks and neck" with a beard but can't grow a 'proper' one due to his scar, which appears as a "seam", Brune doesn't look like a "proper knight" in his "patched… breeches" and "scuffed boots". (Note the sewing language — "seam" → "patched" — and the lexical similarity: "cheeks" → "breeches".)
Both men seem to have a penchant for drink (per the implications of Sansa commenting on Brune's nature "when sober") and a foregrounded relationship with singers. (Where Dagmer loves singers and songs, Brune is in conflict with Marillion — although the deeds of "Lothor Apple-Eater" are likely sung of, like Dagmer's exploits.)

Thus just as the Aeron of Theon's homcoming 'rhymes' with the Oswell of Petyr's homecoming, so is Theon's Dagmer Cleftjaw reworked in the person of Petyr's Lothor Brune.
And thus everything about Petyr's homecoming continues to remind us of Theon's homecoming, which makes sense… if Petyr is likewise a scion of ironborn royalty (e.g. if he's Hoare-ish).

The End, and The Distinct Possibility That The Rhyme Between Petyr's and Theon's Homecomings Isn't (Just) About Petyr Being Hoare-ish, After All

That's it. That's all I got regarding the recursively 'rhyming' homecomings of Theon and Petyr. For me, the insane scope and depth of the 'rhyming' between Petyr's homecoming and the homcoming of a scion of ironborn kings is entirely consistent with my broader hypothesis: that the blood of ironborn kings likewise flows in the veins of Petyr Littlefinger — namely "the black blood" of House Hoare of Orkmont.
And yet . . .
It remains that notwithstanding that my Hoare-ish Littlefinger posts connected virtually everything we're told about House Hoare and its various historical kings with things we're told about Petyr Baelish, this (sub)series has detailed recursion not between Petyr and the Hoares, but between Petyr and Theon Greyjoy, who is like the Hoares in that his blood is that of ironborn kings, but who is, nonetheless, a Greyjoy.
It also remains that Theon is the grandson of Quellon Greyjoy, and that [as I show here] — or just scroll down, I'll reproduce that post in the comments — Quellon Greyjoy as described in both TWOIAF and in ASOIAF is nothing if not incredibly Hoare-esque, and not just because his policies and biography in TWOIAF 'rhyme' with the policies and biographies of various Hoare kings, but because ASOIAF proper subtly suggests he was something of a 'whore' in that AFFC makes it abundantly clear that Quellon was a prolific sperm cannon by repeating over and over that he sired nine sons we know of (on three different wives).
Recall that we saw in [Part 2 of the original 'Littlefinger is Hoare-ish' series] that Petyr is in certain striking respects similar to Balon, to Euron, to Aeron, to Asha, and even to Victarion.
This all gives rise to the question: Does all the 'rhyming' between the homecomings of Theon Greyjoy and Petyr Baelish as detailed in this series 'merely' (further) hint that Petyr is (literally) Hoare-ish, and hence that he is like Theon in that he, too, is the scion of ironborn kings?
Or do all the Petyr-Greyjoy connections, coupled with Quellon's foregrounded fecundity and the presence of a barely concealed metaphor for an ocean-based sperm (whale) cannon on Petyr's estate (alongside a reminder of invaders from the sea)—

There was one place where the tide came jetting up out of a blowhole to shoot thirty feet into the air, and another where someone had chiseled the seven-pointed star of the new gods upon a boulder. Petyr said that marked one of the places the Andals had landed, when they came across the sea to wrest the Vale from the First Men.

—hint that at some point during his travels, Quellon Greyjoy bedded Petyr's mother Alayne (or perhaps Petyr's father's mother), cuckolding her husband and impregnating her with Petyr (or Lord Baelish)?
Note that Quellon was a direct, analogous contemporary to Petyr's 'father': Both are said to have fought for the Targaryens in the War of the Ninepenny Kings.

The Mockingbird & The Cuckolding Cowbird

Here we must consider that Petyr's sigil is the mockingbird, and that certain species of mockingbirds (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long-tailed_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chilean_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White-banded_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northern_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalk-browed_mockingbird) are well-known as hosts for the [brood parasitism] of certain [cowbirds]. That is, it is well-known that mockingbirds frequently care for the eggs of cowbirds and feed the hatched chicks of cowbirds as if they were their own offspring.
In short, mockingbirds accept being cuckolded.
Recall here that the men of Pyke greeted Theon with "bovine [as in cow, as in the cowbirds that cuckold mockingbirds] eyes", and that the o.g. brood parasites are cuckoo birds, from whence we derive our term "cuckolding".
Recall, too, that the Greyjoy banner over Pyke weirdly takes on the appearance of a bird during Theon's homecoming, which I've just spent 10 posts comparing to Petyr's homecoming:

Above the Sea Tower snapped his father's banner. The Myraham was too far off for Theon to see more than the cloth itself, but he knew the device it bore: the golden kraken of House Greyjoy, arms writhing and reaching against a black field. The banner streamed from an iron mast, shivering and twisting as the wind gusted, like a bird struggling to take flight.

Thus the possibility that Petyr's nominal "father" Lord Baelish (or Petyr's nominal paternal "grandfather") was cuckolded by Quellon Greyjoy, the Hoare-esque sperm cannon from the land of cowbird-evoking "bovine eyes", whose sigil is likened to a bird, is right there in his mockingbird sigil.
Indeed, I very much wonder whether we're not told all about the super-pollinator Garth Greenhand in part as a 'rhyming' hint that Quellon Greyjoy was a super-pollinator who spread his "seed" amongst the ladies of what the ironborn call the "green lands".

The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo

The notion that Petyr's mockingbird sigil may nod to Petyr's supposed father (or supposed paternal grandfather) getting cuckolded by Quellon Greyjoy reminds me of a song brought to my attention by MaxPayload: The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo was recorded in the 1930s by at least two acts, including the British movie star [Gracie Fields] — the highest paid film actress in the world c. 1937 — and an act called "The Two Gilberts".
[HERE] is a link to the Fields version.
To say the lyrics of the song remind me of Littlefinger's story is if anything an understatement, beginning with the opening image of "a lovesick youth and maiden":

A lovesick youth and maiden (down on the farm)
With hearts so heavy laden (down on the farm)
They held each other's hands and looked into each other's eye
And started to tell each other lies

To say the least, Littlefinger is closely identified with being a lovesick youth and with lying (including about his sexploits with the sisters Tully). And notably, he and Sansa practically begin their relationship by agreeing to lie about her being his daughter. (Sansa's heart is notably 'heavy laden' when this happens upon arrival at Littlefinger's tower — and sheep farm.)
Regarding the "down on the farm" setting, ASOIAF makes regular reference to the bountiful crops and rich farmlands of the Tullys' Riverlands, and we see the courtyards of Riverrun "teem[ing] with… cows, sheep, and chickens" in ACOK Catelyn V.
The song continues with a first kiss "by the cowshed door" (recalling that we're told that Petyr's estate has "a sheepfold"):

He kissed her by the cowshed door
She said "I've not been kissed before"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

Petyr was, of course, Lysa's first kiss, and probably Catelyn's as well, as well as Lysa's first fuck (regarding which, rest assured that the song gets deep into sexual double-entendre soon enough):

[O]ver there, beneath that bower, she and Lysa had played at kissing with Petyr.
She had not thought of that in years. How young they all had been—she no older than Sansa, Lysa younger than Arya, and Petyr younger still, yet eager. The girls had traded him between them, serious and giggling by turns. It came back to her so vividly she could almost feel his sweaty fingers on her shoulders and taste the mint on his breath. There was always mint growing in the godswood, and Petyr had liked to chew it. He had been such a bold little boy, always in trouble. "He tried to put his tongue in my mouth," Catelyn had confessed to her sister afterward, when they were alone. "He did with me too," Lysa had whispered, shy and breathless. "I liked it." (AGOT Catelyn XI)
"Petyr's breath is always fresh … he was the first man I ever kissed, you know." -Lysa (ASOS Sansa VI)

Next we see the maiden tease the eager "lovesick youth", as Cat ostensibly teased Petyr:

He said "My love I'll swear to you"
She said "I'll smack you if you do"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly, said "Oh how you tease me"
"I'm so shy, I'm so shy, when you start to squeeze me"
He said "Come tell me pretty miss"
"Where did you learn to squeeze and kiss"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

I'd heard the name "Nellie Bly" before in the version of Frankie & Johnny recorded by the legendary father of country music, [Jimmie Rodgers], so hearing it again made me look it up. It turns out the name in both songs was borrowed from [a world-famous American journalist]. (Recall that GRRM went to school for journalism.)
The real Nellie Bly first became famous for writing an expose of conditions in a lunatic asylum for women in New York City. Her fame redoubled after she traveled around the world in 1889. She went on to write pulp serial novels and — notably, given Petyr's apparent designs on Sansa — to wed a much older millionaire man named . . . (wait for it) . . . "Seaman".
(Obviously "Seaman" resonates with the idea that Petyr is ironborn, with the sea in his eyes, and with the sperm-whale like "blowhole" on Petyr's lands, which recalls Theon's foregrounded semen from ACOK Theon I. It likewise suggests a reading of the song per which an older "Seaman" is seducing the "Nellie Bly". Could this presage Quellon seducing original Alayne, who I happen to believe has very intrepid genes herself?)
Anyway, back in the song, things take a "dark" turn:

She said "I love the twilight," down on the farm
Said he, "The dark is my light," down on the farm

My original Hoare-ish Littlefinger series highlighted various ways in which Petyr Baelish is Satan/Lucifedemon-coded, so the lovesick boy saying "The dark is my light" absolutely leaps out to me.
Especially because the couplet it's part of smells like it may well have informed a certain infamous exchange:

"Are you the Sword of the Morning now?"
"No. Men call me Darkstar, and I am of the night." (AFFC The Queenmaker)

Consider that the Sword of the Morning wields dawn, which colloquially coincides with (the maiden's preferred) morning "twilight", while we are clearly supposed to suspect that "Darkstar" (who is "of the night" a la the lovesick boy) — who is for some reason "the most dangerous man in Dorne" and who apparently resembles a "Dragonlord" — was sired by Aerys during his 270 visit to Dorne, with Aerys cuckolding, presumably, a man of House Dayne. (AFFC The Princess in the Tower; The Queenmaker) Note the double-entendre of laying pipe here — life-giving, fertilizing pipe, no less:

In 270 AC, during a visit to Sunspear, he told the Princess of Dorne that he would "make the Dornish deserts bloom" by digging a great underground canal beneath the mountains to bring water down from the rainwood. (TWOIAF)

There's a clear symmetry between the notion that Aeyrs cuckolded a Dayne to produce Darkstar and the idea that the noted Aerys-supporter and loyalist Quellon Greyjoy cuckolded a war hero small lord on the Fingers to produce Littlefinger. Doubly so if Littlefinger's mother was (as I have speculated elsewhere) the daughter of Duncan "the Small" Targaryen, Prince of Dragonflies.
If that couplet (in a song that otherwise smells Littlefingerian) reminds us of Darkstar, isn't it curious that the basic structure of Darkstar's implied origin (in the cuckolding of a small lord by a far greater lord) may (also/instead?) apply to Littlefinger's origin?
Back to The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo. The next line reads like a reference to Lysa's opinion of Petyr:

Said she "You seem to big and brave and mighty strong to me."

Compare with Lysa's very personal opinion of Petyr:

"He may not look as tall or strong as some, but he is worth more than all of them." (ASOS Sansa VI)

The song's next line is wild given Petyr and Lysa's history with moon tea (a tea brewed with certain plants not used in ordinary tea) and especially my conviction that [Petyr dosed Sansa with moon tea] during their voyage on the Merling King so as to make sure she was not pregnant with Tyrion's child:

Said he "Yes, I had onions for my tea."

(By the way, onions in ASOIAF are of course all about Davos. And who do I think Davos is? A possible Hoare-son or Quellon-son, and the Sailor's Wife's sailor, i.e. a sailor who sired a child and abandoned the mother, as, perhaps, Quellon sired Petyr on original-Alayne before leaving her to raise him on the Smallest Finger. Surely coincidence . . . unless this strange, weird old song has been informing George's Song since the mid-1990s.)
The lyrics continue with more Catelyn-esque teasing:

He said "I love you, yes I do"
She said to him "Oh yeah, says you?"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
He said "You're sweet beyond belief!"
Said she "You said it! OK, chief!"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

The lovesick boy is then encouraged to "walk 'round the houses"—

Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly, said "Walk 'round the houses"

—which 'just so happens' to recall rather closely Petyr and Sansa's sight-seeing tour of his lands, when "Petyr walked with her around his holdings", which include not just houses, but a symbolic sperm cannon and a reminder that foreigners sometimes land on these shores:

When the rains let up, Petyr walked with her around his holdings, which took less than half a day. He owned a lot of rocks, just as he had said. There was one place where the tide came jetting up out of a blowhole to shoot thirty feet into the air, and another where someone had chiseled the seven-pointed star of the new gods upon a boulder. Petyr said that marked one of the places the Andals had landed, when they came across the sea to wrest the Vale from the First Men.
Farther inland a dozen families lived in huts of piled stone beside a peat bog.

The song then references farm work and (via double-entendre) sex:

"Just while I, just while I go and milk the cowses"

Milk cows are, of course, linked to wet nursing and babies. And remember: It's cowbirds who make like cuckoos and cuckold mockingbirds.
The double-entendre gradually becomes obvious:

As they sat 'neath the stars above
She says to him "Oh, what is love?
And the mockingbird went hee-haw and the donkey went cuckoo [note the reversal!]
Well she sat there and milked the cow [lol]
"I'll do my bit" said he, "and how!" [lmao]
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
He found an old three-legged stool
And sat right down to milk the bull [come on!]
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

A milked bull? Quellon's son Victarion is linkened to a bull. Was Victarion's sire "milked" of his "seed" by Alayne Baelish? Did Quellon not only marry a woman of House Stonetree, but bone a woman wed to a man whose sigil was a "stone head"?
Regarding that "three-legged stool", recall that the dragon must have three heads, that a cuckolder turns a partnership into a three-legged affair, so to speak, and that a man with a large penis (see: "Littlefinger"?) is sometimes said to have [a third leg].
From there the song grows only more suspicious as potential inspiration, as it makes explicit reference to concealed paternity, and implicitly to an improper sexual relationship involving a "father" (which see Littlefinger and "Alayne"):

Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly went all in a lather
Began to cry, shouting "Why, that's the cow's father!"
He turned white and looked surprised
Then to the bull apologized
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

The closing line about apologizing to the bull resonates with Petyr's dealings with Hoster, and perhaps with cuckoldry as well, as a trespass against patriarchal rights of possession over a woman.
The foregoing represents the seemingly better known Gracie Fields version. [The Two Gilberts version] is mostly the same, save for a few passages in the middle.
Sidebar: Regarding "The Two Gilberts", there 'just so happens' to be exactly two Gilberts in the ASOIAF canon.
One of ASOIAF's two Gilberts 'just so happens' to be one of the legendary scions of legendary sperm cannon and possibly Quellon Greyjoy analogue Garth Greenhand, Gilbert of the Vines, who 'just so happens' to be responsible for all that good Arbor wine Petyr loves so.
The other Gilbert is Gilbert Farring, who Stannis tells us "holds Storm's End for me". (ASOS Davos IV) Repeating that: ASOIAF'S second Gilbert "holds" something that belongs to Stannis in lieu of Stannis holding it himself. Almost like he's cuckolding him.
There are two other Farrings (like Gilbert) in the canon. One is Godry, "the Giantslayer", which sounds like something one might nickname a guy who cuckolded a guy with the Titan of Braavos on his shield. The other is Annara Farring. She was Lord Frey's seventh wife, and guess what she 'just so happens' to be known for? If you said "cuckolding her lordly husband", congratulations. And guess how we're told that? Via, of all things under the sun, a milk cow analogy:

[Black Walder had] had Edwyn's wife too, that was common knowledge, Fair Walda had been known to slip into his bed from time to time, and some even said he'd known the seventh Lady Frey [Annara Farring] a deal better than he should have. Small wonder he refused to marry. Why buy a cow when there were udders all around begging to be milked? (ASOS Epilogue)

(It was at this point that I went from "Maybe George has heard this song" to "George is 100% familiar with this song.")
End Sidebar
Right after the line about the onion tea, The Two Gilberts version sees the lovesick boy promise riches and wealth, recalling Petyr's lifelong interest in making money:

He said "I'll buy you furs and gems"
"And all the pretty thees[?] and thems[?]"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

CONTINUED & CONCLUDED IN OLDEST REPLY, BELOW or HERE

This post is the last post in a series looking at the massive amount of 'rhyming' recursivity I believe exists between (a) the homecoming of Petyr Baelish to the Fingers and (b) the homecoming of Theon Greyjoy to Pyke.
While this series/post can be read simply as a study 'for its own sake' of the curious recursion between these storylines, it is my belief that the 'rhyming' explored here between the stories of Petyr and Theon may exist (at least in part) to foreshadow that, like Theon, Petyr Littlefinger, is (among other things) a scion of ironborn kings, because Petyr is Hoare-ish: I.e. because Petyr's blood is (in some part) the blood of the ironborn kings of House Hoare of Orkmont and, later, Harrenhal.
This post is also post 25 of 25 in my broader series on the topic of a Hoare-ish Littlefinger, which is indexed [HERE].
Even if I'm wrong about Littlefinger's lineage, the 'rhyming' recursivity between the homecomings of Theon and Petyr detailed in this series remains, and certainly merits attention.
NOTE: In what follows, all uncited quotes are from ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Petyr's homecoming to his "Drearfort" tower of the 'Smallest Finger', or ACOK Theon I, which describes Theon's homecoming to "drear" Pyke.
As in past posts, I sometimes use "→" as shorthand for "'prefigures' and/or 'informs' and/or 'is reworked by' and/or 'finds a recursive rhyme in'.
As in: ACOK Theon I → ASOS Sansa VI.
This post picks up straight-away from where Part 9 left off. You can read Part 9 [HERE].
If you want to begin at the beginning, Part 1 is [HERE].

Aeron & Oswell

After Theon's homecoming chapter opens with Theon thinking "There was no safe anchorage at Pyke", which is copied nearly verbatim during Petyr's homecoming with Sansa, we see Theon anticipating his first glimpse of Pyke castle, and read this sentence:

Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.

That line proves to be a key part of a pun-tastic 'rhyme' between (a) Theon coming ashore from the Myraham and meeting Aeron and (b) Sansa coming ashore from the Merling King with the aid of Oswell.
I'll explain.
Note first that Oswell, who is…

…tall and gangling, with long white hair and a great hooked nose, with eyes shaded by a cowl [like a monk's cowl!]… (ACOK Theon V)

—clearly 'rhymes' with Aeron, an ascetic priest (see Oswell's monk-ish cowl) who is…

Tall and thin, with… a beak of a nose… [and] ropes of dried seaweed were braided through his waist-long black hair and untrimmed beard.

They're set up as yin and yang: Tall and similarly built with notable noses and long hair… but one has "long white hair", the other "long black hair", and Aeron has an "untrimmed beard" while Oswell is clean-shaven.
Aeron's beard is not simply a beard, though, but a beard with seaweed in it, which 'rhymes' with Oswell being not simply clean-shaven, but clean-shaven in a sea-faring way, as his "windburnt face"—

She studied the old man's lined windburnt face, hook nose, white hair, and huge knuckly hands. (ASOS Sansa VI)

—prefigures the "wind-chafed skin" of Aeron's niece Asha, which is tagged as typical of the sea-faring ironborn—

Ironborn, he knew at a glance; lean and long-legged, with… wind-chafed skin, strong sure hands….

—as are her notably "strong sure hands", which similarly 'rhyme' with Oswell's notably "huge knuckly hands".
SIDEBAR: As for Aeron's robes here being "green and grey" ("and blue"), this underlines that Petyr's oft-mentioned "grey-green" eyes are like the sea, which (as I've mentioned in previous posts) suggests per Archmaester Haereg's maxim—

"You may dress an ironman in silks and velvets, teach him to read and write and give him books, instruct him in chivalry and courtesy and the mysteries of the Faith… but when you look into his eyes, the sea will still be there, cold and grey and cruel." (TWOIAF)

—that Littlefinger is, at least in part, an ironman.
END SIDEBAR
The first thing we're told about Aeron after Theon realizes who he is is that "he washed up safe on shore"—

A memory prodded at Theon. In one of his rare curt letters, Lord Balon had written of his youngest brother going down in a storm, and turning holy when he washed up safe on shore. "Uncle Aeron?" he said doubtfully.

—which prefigures Oswell splashing his way ashore at the Smallest Finger:

Oswell and Lothor splashed their way ashore, as did Littlefinger himself.

(If Oswell is Aeron-ish, surely Petyr making like Oswell and splashing about in the surf here could foreshadow that he is Hoare-ish. And perhaps some kind of religious figure as well.)

Drawn Up Hoods

With that Oswell/Aeron 'rhyme' in mind, consider again that, as Theon approaches castle Pyke on the Myraham…

Theon drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray, and looked for home.

Sound familiar? That's because it's reworked when Sansa is rowed ashore by the "gangling", Aeron-esque Oswell:

Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore. Sansa huddled in the bow under her cloak with the hood drawn up against the wind….

When Sansa gets to shore, "two old men" help to make sure she doesn't get even a little bit wet—

The two old men waded out up to their thighs to lift Sansa from the boat so she would not get her skirts wet.

—which was, of course, exactly the thing Theon was trying to avoid back in ACOK when he "drew the hood of his cloak up against the spray", as Sansa drew hers "up against the wind" when Oswell rowed her in.

Gangplank → Gangling.

GRRM is just warming up. When Theon reaches Lordsport and disembarks from the Myraham, he, too, avoids getting wet. At least initially. Where Sansa uses "gangling" Oswell to come ashore, Theon uses… a "gangplank":

Without waiting for a reply [from Myraham's captain], he strode down the gangplank. "Innkeeper," he barked. "I require a horse".

Kneeling Servants

The innkeeper never gets Theon his horse, of course (of course), because Aeron shows up. And what does gangling white-haired Oswell's black-haired physical mirror Aeron do? He makes Theon get wet after all.

"Kneel."
The ground was all stones[!] and mud. "Uncle, I—"
"Kneel. Or are you too proud now, a lordling of the green lands come among us?"
Theon knelt. He had a purpose here, and might need Aeron's help to achieve it. A crown was worth a little mud and horseshit on his breeches, he supposed.
"Bow your head." Lifting the skin, his uncle pulled the cork and directed a thin stream of seawater down upon Theon's head. It drenched his hair and ran over his forehead into his eyes. Sheets washed down his cheeks, and a finger crept under his cloak and doublet and down his back, a cold rivulet along his spine. The salt made his eyes burn, until it was all he could do not to cry out. He could taste the ocean on his lips. "Let Theon your servant be born again from the sea, as you were," Aeron Greyjoy intoned. "Bless him with salt, bless him with stone, bless him with steel."

Note that Theon kneeling on "stones and mud… and horseshit" before a priest with "seaweed" in his beard is reworked even as Oswell rows Sansa ashore and she huddles in her cloak like Theon, when the Baelish household kneels on rocks covered by nasty seaweed and Sansa dodges sheepshit:

Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore. Sansa huddled in the bow under her cloak with the hood drawn up against the wind, wondering what awaited her. Servants emerged from the tower to meet them…. When they recognized Lord Petyr they knelt on the rocks.
[Petyr] led them up the strand over rocks slick with rotting seaweed. … Sansa had to step carefully; there were pellets [i.e. sheepshit] everywhere.

Blessings

Meanwhile, Aeron giving Theon his holy "bless[ing]" is reworked just before Sansa is rowed ashore, when Petyr asks for Sansa's "blessing" after he tells her they're not going to Winterfell and that he's going to wed Lysa:

"So silent, my lady?" said Petyr. "I was certain you would wish to give me your blessing. …"
"I . . . I pray you will have long years together, and many children, and be very happy in one another.

Sansa's reluctant acquiescence — both to giving the blessing and to going ashore and going along with Petyr's plan, which she had not anticipated — echoes Theon's reluctant acquiescence to both Aeron's blessing and Balon's plan of invasion, which he hadn't anticipated.
I suspect Littefinger was fed the line, "So silent, my lady?" before asking for Sansa's blessing as a nod to several pertinent silences in ACOK Theon I. First, the "sullen silence" of the Myraham's captain when he reluctantly acquiesces to Theon taking his would-be salt wife daughter below deck to get a blowjob; second, the "gloom of silence" between Theon and Aeron as they make the final approach to Pyke, post-blessing; and finally, Theon marking the absence of Euron's 'lady', Silence, as he sails into Lordsport:

Theon searched for his uncle Euron's Silence.

Truly, all things come round again.

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 1

But what about Aeron getting Theon pointedly wet? Aeron not only making Theon kneel but getting him wet and then riding with him to Pyke, is reworked (and reversed) not just by Oswell and Lothor rowing Sansa ashore — note the "rode" → "rowed" wordplay:

They [Aeron and Theon] rode in a gloom of silence.
Lothor and old Oswell rowed them ashore.

— and not just by Sansa being carried ashore and kept pointedly dry by two old men who were, seconds earlier, kneeling reverently on the seashore, but also by Aeron-ish Oswell helping Sansa "up" onto The Merling King from his rowboat while assuring her he won't let her fall into the sea, which he makes sure she doesn't:

The rower shipped the oars and helped Sansa to her feet. "Up now. Go on, girl, I got you." Sansa thanked him for his kindness, but received no answer but a grunt. It was much easier going up the rope ladder than it had been coming down the cliff. The oarsman Oswell followed close behind her… (ASOS Sansa V)

So: Where Oswell-ish Aeron forces Theon to kneel and then wets him down with seawater, ceremonially "drowning" him after he comes down the "gangplank", the "gangling" Aeron-ish Oswell helps Sansa "to her feet" and then "up" while promising not to let her fall in the sea, where she could drown.

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 2

Aeron forcing Theon to kneel and getting him wet before he "rode" with him to Pyke is also reworked/reversed inside Petyr's tower, when Sansa's 'other' rower Lothor protects Sansa from Marillion's rape attempt— from being (like Theon) forced to get "wet", so to speak:

"My blood is stirred. And yours, I know … there's no wench half so lusty as one bastard born. Are you wet for me?"
"I'm a maiden," she protested.
"Truly? Oh, Alayne, Alayne, my fair maid, give me the gift of your innocence.

The wetness motif is played up again:

"He put a hand on her breast, and squeezed. "Let's get you out of these wet clothes. You wouldn't want them ripped, I know. Come, sweet lady, heed your heart—"

He wants to "get [her] out of [her] wet clothes" so he can get her "wet", so to speak. But where Aeron forced Theon to "kneel" and get wet in language that suddenly reads as quite rapey and spine-chilling—

Sheets washed down his cheeks [which cheeks?], and a finger[!] crept under his cloak and doublet and down his back, a cold rivulet along his spine."

—before he "rode" with him to castle Pyke, Lothor Brune, who "rowed" Sansa ashore, keeps her safe and 'dry':

Sansa heard the soft sound of steel on leather. "Singer," a rough voice said, "best go, if you want to sing again." The light was dim, but she saw a faint glimmer of a blade.
The singer saw it too. "Find your own wench—" The knife flashed, and he cried out. "You cut me!"
"I'll do worse, if you don't go."
And quick as that, Marillion was gone. The other remained, looming over Sansa in the darkness. "Lord Petyr said watch out for you." It was Lothor Brune's voice, she realized.

Dagmer Cleftjaw → Lothor Brune

And what do you know? Oswell's rowing partner Lothor Brune is also prefigured by Theon's homecoming. Not by Aeron, but by Dagmer Cleftjaw, who Theon thinks of as he approaches Lordsport on the Myraham. In fact, there's a huge 'rhyme' between (a) Dagmer Cleftjaw and his "gut-churning scar", on the one hand, and (b) the beginning of ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Lothor Brune and Sansa's upset stomach (i.e. her churning guts) and seemingly permanently scarred psyche, on the other. I'll try to lay out now.
Consider first that as Theon approaches Lordsport on the Myraham, he goes below deck, where he thinks about Dagmer Cleftjaw (along with the sour-like-Aeron Sylas Sourmouth, who was discussed in Part 8):

As the Myraham made her way landward, Theon paced the deck restlessly, scanning the shore. He had not thought to find Lord Balon himself at quayside, but surely his father would have sent someone to meet him. Sylas Sourmouth the steward, Lord Botley, perhaps even Dagmer Cleftjaw. It would be good to look on Dagmer's hideous old face again.

We meet Dagmer in ACOK Theon III,

He smiled himself to show how it was done. It made for a hideous sight. Under a snowy white mane of hair, Dagmer Cleftjaw had the most gut-churning scar Theon had ever seen, the legacy of the longaxe that had near killed him as a boy. The blow had splintered his jaw, shattered his front teeth, and left him four lips where other men had but two. A shaggy beard covered his cheeks and neck, but the hair would not grow over the scar, so a shiny seam of puckered, twisted flesh divided his face like a crevasse through a snowfield "We could hear them singing," the old warrior said. "It was a good song, and they sang it bravely."
…Dagmer grinned more often and more broadly than Lord Balon ever had.
Ugly as it was, that smile brought back a hundred memories. Theon had seen it often as a boy, when he'd jumped a horse over a mossy wall, or flung an axe and split a target square. [More fond memories of Dagmer.]

We later learn that Dagmer is "fearsome" and a "fierce fighter" as well, despite being marked as aged by his "white mane of hair". (ADWD The King's Prize)
Dagmer's ship is named Foamdrinker, a double-entendre about ale-drinking, as he likes drinking, as well as reaving songs — especially the one a singer wrote about him:

He knew that would give Dagmer pause. A singer had made a song about the axe that cracked his jaw in half, and the old man loved to hear it. Whenever he was in his cups he would call for a reaving song, something loud and stormy that told of dead heroes and deeds of wild valor. (ACOK Theon III)

Balon puts Dagmer in Theon's reaving detachment. Theon foolishly resents this, not accepting that he is inexperienced and needs and could benefit enormously from a seasoned number two with whom he has a good relationship:

"You are to harry the Stony Shore, raiding the fishing villages and sinking any ships you chance to meet. … Aeron will accompany you, and Dagmer Cleftjaw."
…Theon felt as if he'd been slapped. He was being sent to do reaver's work, burning fishermen out of their hovels and raping their ugly daughters, and yet it seemed Lord Balon did not trust him sufficiently to do even that much. Bad enough to have to suffer the Damphair's scowls and chidings. With Dagmer Cleftjaw along as well, his command would be purely nominal. (ACOK Theon II)

Balon gives Theon Dagmer to help him, but Theon can only see it as an affront, so he tries to sideline him:

Dagmer Cleftjaw stood by the high carved prow of his longship, Foamdrinker. Theon had assigned him the task of guarding the ships; otherwise men would have called it Dagmer's victory, not his. A more prickly man might have taken that for a slight, but the Cleftjaw had only laughed. (ACOK Theon III)

That Splintery Ladder Again & Lothor's Hand Up

Now, remembering that we're introduced to Dagmer Cleftjaw while Theon is still aship en route to Pyke, consider again the first paragraph of Sansa VI, plus a bit more (which of course takes place while Petyr and Sansa are still aship en route to Petyr's Drearfort):

The ladder to the forecastle was steep and splintery, so Sansa accepted a hand up from Lothor Brune. Ser Lothor, she had to remind herself; the man had been knighted for his valor in the Battle of the Blackwater. Though no proper knight would wear those patched brown breeches and scuffed boots, nor that cracked and water-stained leather jerkin. A square-faced stocky man with a squashed nose and a mat of nappy grey hair, Brune spoke seldom. He is stronger than he looks, though. She could tell by the ease with which he lifted her, as if she weighed nothing at all. …
She had seldom ventured out on deck herself. Her little cabin was dank and cold, but Sansa had been sick for most of the voyage . . . sick with terror, sick with fever, or seasick . . . she could keep nothing down, and even sleep came hard. Whenever she closed her eyes she saw Joffrey… dying….
…Even this close to shore, the rolling of the ship made her tummy queasy.…
[Petyr] put a sympathetic arm about her shoulders. "Are you quite well? You look so pale."
"It's only my tummy. The seasickness."

We're subsequently reminded of Brune's "squashed nose" and "mat of nappy grey hair", and told of his "square jaw" and more:

With his squashed nose, square jaw, and nap of woolly grey hair, Brune could not be called comely, but he was not ugly either. … Sober, he was a quiet man, but a strong one. (AFFC Alayne II)

Recall too that Brune saves Sansa from Marillion, who tries to use her as Theon used the captain's daughter.
Having surveyed the field of (word)play, we can now see the 'rhyming':

Where Theon goes below deck as he approaches Lordsport and thinks about Dagmer, whose jaw is (verbatim) "splintered", Sansa, with Brune's help, climbs up to the deck using a (verbatim) "splintered" ladder as she approaches the Drearfort.
Where Theon spurns the 'hand up' Dagmer and his splintered jaw could have given him, "Sansa accept[s] a hand up from Lothor Brune" and climbs the "splintered" ladder.
Where Theon think of the Cleftjaw, who has a "gut-churning scar", Sansa thinks about her literally churning guts — her upset "tummy".
Where Theon thinks that Cleftjaw's "gut-churning scar" resulted from his being "near[ly] killed as a boy", Sansa's churning guts are related to the evident psychic scar she's suffered, which causes her to see a boy killed over and over again.
Dagmer's "shattered" teeth and "splintered" jaw (and Dagmar being sent to "Torrhen's Square") → Brune's "squashed nose" and "square jaw"
Where Dagmer is ironborn, and had his jaw "cracked… in half", Brune wears a "cracked and water-stained [as if from the sea]" jerkin.
Dagmer's "snowy mane of white hair" → Brune's "mat of nappy grey hair"/"nap of woolly grey hair"
Despite their 'old hair', Dagmer is "fierce" and "fearsome", Brune "strong".
Where Dagmer's smile is "ugly" but nonetheless fills Theon with warm memories (defying its appearance), Brune, who "could not be called comely, but… was not ugly either", is "stronger than he looks".
Where Dagmer "covered his cheeks and neck" with a beard but can't grow a 'proper' one due to his scar, which appears as a "seam", Brune doesn't look like a "proper knight" in his "patched… breeches" and "scuffed boots". (Note the sewing language — "seam" → "patched" — and the lexical similarity: "cheeks" → "breeches".)
Both men seem to have a penchant for drink (per the implications of Sansa commenting on Brune's nature "when sober") and a foregrounded relationship with singers. (Where Dagmer loves singers and songs, Brune is in conflict with Marillion — although the deeds of "Lothor Apple-Eater" are likely sung of, like Dagmer's exploits.)

Thus just as the Aeron of Theon's homcoming 'rhymes' with the Oswell of Petyr's homecoming, so is Theon's Dagmer Cleftjaw reworked in the person of Petyr's Lothor Brune.
And thus everything about Petyr's homecoming continues to remind us of Theon's homecoming, which makes sense… if Petyr is likewise a scion of ironborn royalty (e.g. if he's Hoare-ish).

The End, and The Distinct Possibility That The Rhyme Between Petyr's and Theon's Homecomings Isn't (Just) About Petyr Being Hoare-ish, After All

That's it. That's all I got regarding the recursively 'rhyming' homecomings of Theon and Petyr. For me, the insane scope and depth of the 'rhyming' between Petyr's homecoming and the homcoming of a scion of ironborn kings is entirely consistent with my broader hypothesis: that the blood of ironborn kings likewise flows in the veins of Petyr Littlefinger — namely "the black blood" of House Hoare of Orkmont.
And yet . . .
It remains that notwithstanding that my Hoare-ish Littlefinger posts connected virtually everything we're told about House Hoare and its various historical kings with things we're told about Petyr Baelish, this (sub)series has detailed recursion not between Petyr and the Hoares, but between Petyr and Theon Greyjoy, who is like the Hoares in that his blood is that of ironborn kings, but who is, nonetheless, a Greyjoy.
It also remains that Theon is the grandson of Quellon Greyjoy, and that [as I show here] — or just scroll down, I'll reproduce that post in the comments — Quellon Greyjoy as described in both TWOIAF and in ASOIAF is nothing if not incredibly Hoare-esque, and not just because his policies and biography in TWOIAF 'rhyme' with the policies and biographies of various Hoare kings, but because ASOIAF proper subtly suggests he was something of a 'whore' in that AFFC makes it abundantly clear that Quellon was a prolific sperm cannon by repeating over and over that he sired nine sons we know of (on three different wives).
Recall, too, that we saw in [Part 2 of the original 'Littlefinger is Hoare-ish' series] that Petyr is in certain striking respects similar to Balon, to Euron, to Aeron, to Asha, and even to Victarion.
This all gives rise to the question: Does all the 'rhyming' between the homecomings of Theon Greyjoy and Petyr Baelish as detailed in this series 'merely' (further) hint that Petyr is (literally) Hoare-ish, and hence that he is like Theon in that he, too, is the scion of ironborn kings?
Or do all the Petyr-Greyjoy connections, coupled with Quellon's foregrounded fecundity and the presence of a barely concealed metaphor for an ocean-based sperm (whale) cannon on Petyr's estate (alongside a reminder of invaders from the sea)—

There was one place where the tide came jetting up out of a blowhole to shoot thirty feet into the air, and another where someone had chiseled the seven-pointed star of the new gods upon a boulder. Petyr said that marked one of the places the Andals had landed, when they came across the sea to wrest the Vale from the First Men.

—hint that at some point during his travels, Quellon Greyjoy bedded Petyr's mother Alayne (or perhaps Petyr's father's mother), cuckolding her husband and impregnating her with Petyr (or Lord Baelish)?
Note that Quellon was a direct, analogous contemporary to Petyr's 'father': Both are said to have fought for the Targaryens in the War of the Ninepenny Kings.

The Mockingbird & The Cuckolding Cowbird

Here we must consider that Petyr's sigil is the mockingbird, and that certain species of mockingbirds (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long-tailed_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chilean_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White-banded_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northern_mockingbird and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalk-browed_mockingbird) are well-known as hosts for the [brood parasitism] of certain [cowbirds]. That is, it is well-known that mockingbirds frequently care for the eggs of cowbirds and feed the hatched chicks of cowbirds as if they were their own offspring.
In short, mockingbirds accept being cuckolded.
Recall here that the men of Pyke greeted Theon with "bovine [as in cow, as in the cowbirds that cuckold mockingbirds] eyes", and that the o.g. brood parasites are cuckoo birds, from whence we derive our term "cuckolding".
Recall, too, that the Greyjoy banner over Pyke weirdly takes on the appearance of a bird during Theon's homecoming, which I've just spent 10 posts comparing to Petyr's homecoming:

Above the Sea Tower snapped his father's banner. The Myraham was too far off for Theon to see more than the cloth itself, but he knew the device it bore: the golden kraken of House Greyjoy, arms writhing and reaching against a black field. The banner streamed from an iron mast, shivering and twisting as the wind gusted, like a bird struggling to take flight.

Thus the possibility that Petyr's nominal "father" Lord Baelish (or Petyr's nominal paternal "grandfather") was cuckolded by Quellon Greyjoy, the Hoare-esque sperm cannon from the land of cowbird-evoking "bovine eyes", whose sigil is likened to a bird, is right there in his mockingbird sigil.
Indeed, I very much wonder whether we're not told all about the super-pollinator Garth Greenhand in part as a 'rhyming' hint that Quellon Greyjoy was a super-pollinator who spread his "seed" amongst the ladies of what the ironborn call the "green lands".

The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo

The notion that Petyr's mockingbird sigil may nod to Petyr's supposed father (or supposed paternal grandfather) getting cuckolded by Quellon Greyjoy reminds me of a song brought to my attention by MaxPayload: The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo was recorded in the 1930s by at least two acts, including the British movie star [Gracie Fields] — the highest paid film actress in the world c. 1937 — and an act called "The Two Gilberts".
To say the lyrics of the song remind me of Littlefinger's story is if anything an understatement, beginning with the opening image of "a lovesick youth and maiden":

A lovesick youth and maiden (down on the farm)
With hearts so heavy laden (down on the farm)
They held each other's hands and looked into each other's eye
And started to tell each other lies

To say the least, Littlefinger is closely identified with being a lovesick youth and with lying (including about his sexploits with the sisters Tully). And notably, he and Sansa practically begin their relationship by agreeing to lie about her being his daughter. (Sansa's heart is notably 'heavy laden' when this happens upon arrival at Littlefinger's tower — and sheep farm.)
Regarding the "down on the farm" setting, ASOIAF makes regular reference to the bountiful crops and rich farmlands of the Tullys' Riverlands, and we see the courtyards of Riverrun "teem[ing] with… cows, sheep, and chickens" in ACOK Catelyn V.
The song continues with a first kiss "by the cowshed door" (recalling that we're told that Petyr's estate has "a sheepfold"):

He kissed her by the cowshed door
She said "I've not been kissed before"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

Petyr was, of course, Lysa's first kiss, and probably Catelyn's as well, as well as Lysa's first fuck (regarding which, rest assured that the song gets deep into sexual double-entendre soon enough):

[O]ver there, beneath that bower, she and Lysa had played at kissing with Petyr.
She had not thought of that in years. How young they all had been—she no older than Sansa, Lysa younger than Arya, and Petyr younger still, yet eager. The girls had traded him between them, serious and giggling by turns. It came back to her so vividly she could almost feel his sweaty fingers on her shoulders and taste the mint on his breath. There was always mint growing in the godswood, and Petyr had liked to chew it. He had been such a bold little boy, always in trouble. "He tried to put his tongue in my mouth," Catelyn had confessed to her sister afterward, when they were alone. "He did with me too," Lysa had whispered, shy and breathless. "I liked it." (AGOT Catelyn XI)
"Petyr's breath is always fresh … he was the first man I ever kissed, you know." -Lysa (ASOS Sansa VI)

Next we see the maiden tease the eager "lovesick youth", as Cat ostensibly teased Petyr:

He said "My love I'll swear to you"
She said "I'll smack you if you do"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly, said "Oh how you tease me"
"I'm so shy, I'm so shy, when you start to squeeze me"
He said "Come tell me pretty miss"
"Where did you learn to squeeze and kiss"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

I'd heard the name "Nellie Bly" before in the version of Frankie & Johnny recorded by the legendary father of country music, [Jimmie Rodgers], so hearing it again made me look it up. It turns out the name in both songs was borrowed from [a world-famous American journalist]. (Recall that GRRM went to school for journalism.)
The real Nellie Bly first became famous for writing an expose of conditions in a lunatic asylum for women in New York City. Her fame redoubled after she traveled around the world in 1889. She went on to write pulp serial novels and — notably, given Petyr's apparent designs on Sansa — to wed a much older millionaire man named . . . (wait for it) . . . "Seaman".
(Obviously "Seaman" resonates with the idea that Petyr is ironborn, with the sea in his eyes, and with the sperm-whale like "blowhole" on Petyr's lands, which recalls Theon's foregrounded semen from ACOK Theon I. It likewise suggests a reading of the song per which an older "Seaman" is seducing the "Nellie Bly". Could this presage Quellon seducing original-Alayne, who I happen to believe has very intrepid genes herself?)
Anyway, back in the song, things take a "dark" turn:

She said "I love the twilight," down on the farm
Said he, "The dark is my light," down on the farm

My original Hoare-ish Littlefinger series highlighted various ways in which Petyr Baelish is Satan/Lucifedemon-coded, so the lovesick boy saying "The dark is my light" absolutely leaps out to me.
Especially because the couplet it's part of smells like it may well have informed a certain infamous exchange:

"Are you the Sword of the Morning now?"
"No. Men call me Darkstar, and I am of the night." (AFFC The Queenmaker)

Consider that the Sword of the Morning wields dawn, which colloquially coincides with (the maiden's preferred) morning "twilight", while we are clearly supposed to suspect that "Darkstar" (who is "of the night" a la the lovesick boy) — who is for some reason "the most dangerous man in Dorne" and who apparently resembles a "Dragonlord" — was sired by Aerys during his 270 visit to Dorne, with Aerys cuckolding, presumably, a man of House Dayne. (AFFC The Princess in the Tower; The Queenmaker) Note the double-entendre of laying pipe here — life-giving, fertilizing pipe, no less:

In 270 AC, during a visit to Sunspear, he told the Princess of Dorne that he would "make the Dornish deserts bloom" by digging a great underground canal beneath the mountains to bring water down from the rainwood. (TWOIAF)

There's a clear symmetry between the notion that Aeyrs cuckolded a Dayne to produce Darkstar and the idea that the noted Aerys-supporter and loyalist Quellon Greyjoy cuckolded a war hero small lord on the Fingers to produce Littlefinger. Doubly so if Littlefinger's mother was (as I have speculated elsewhere) the daughter of Duncan "the Small" Targaryen, Prince of Dragonflies.
If that couplet (in a song that otherwise smells Littlefingerian) reminds us of Darkstar, isn't it curious that the basic structure of Darkstar's implied origin (in the cuckolding of a small lord by a far greater lord) may (also/instead?) apply to Littlefinger's origin?
Back to The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo. The next line reads like a reference to Lysa's opinion of Petyr:

Said she "You seem to big and brave and mighty strong to me."

Compare with Lysa's very personal opinion of Petyr:

"He may not look as tall or strong as some, but he is worth more than all of them." (ASOS Sansa VI)

The song's next line is wild given Petyr and Lysa's history with moon tea (a tea brewed with certain plants not used in ordinary tea) and especially my conviction that [Petyr dosed Sansa with moon tea] during their voyage on the Merling King so as to make sure she was not pregnant with Tyrion's child:

Said he "Yes, I had onions for my tea."

(By the way, onions in ASOIAF are of course all about Davos. And who do I think Davos is? A possible Hoare-son or Quellon-son, and the Sailor's Wife's sailor, i.e. a sailor who sired a child and abandoned the mother, as, perhaps, Quellon sired Petyr on Alayne before leaving her to raise him on the Smallest Finger. Surely coincidence . . . unless this strange, weird old song has been informing George's Song since the mid-1990s.)
The lyrics continue with more Catelyn-esque teasing:

He said "I love you, yes I do"
She said to him "Oh yeah, says you?"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
He said "You're sweet beyond belief!"
Said she "You said it! OK, chief!"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

The lovesick boy is then encouraged to "walk 'round the houses"—

Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly, said "Walk 'round the houses"

—which 'just so happens' to recall rather closely Petyr and Sansa's sight-seeing tour of his lands, when "Petyr walked with her around his holdings", which include not just houses, but a symbolic sperm cannon and a reminder that foreigners sometimes land on these shores:

When the rains let up, Petyr walked with her around his holdings, which took less than half a day. He owned a lot of rocks, just as he had said. There was one place where the tide came jetting up out of a blowhole to shoot thirty feet into the air, and another where someone had chiseled the seven-pointed star of the new gods upon a boulder. Petyr said that marked one of the places the Andals had landed, when they came across the sea to wrest the Vale from the First Men.
Farther inland a dozen families lived in huts of piled stone beside a peat bog.

The song then references farm work and (via double-entendre) sex:

"Just while I, just while I go and milk the cowses"

Milk cows are, of course, linked to wet nursing and babies. And remember: It's cowbirds who make like cuckoos and cuckold mockingbirds.
The double-entendre gradually becomes obvious:

As they sat 'neath the stars above
She says to him "Oh, what is love?
And the mockingbird went hee-haw and the donkey went cuckoo [note the reversal!]
Well she sat there and milked the cow [lol]
"I'll do my bit" said he, "and how!" [lmao]
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw
He found an old three-legged stool
And sat right down to milk the bull [come on!]
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

A milked bull? Quellon's son Victarion is linkened to a bull. Was Victarion's sire "milked" of his "seed" by Alayne Baelish? Did Quellon not only marry a woman of House Stonetree, but bone a woman wed to a man whose sigil was a "stone head"?
Regarding that "three-legged stool", recall that the dragon must have three heads, that a cuckolder turns a partnership into a three-legged affair, so to speak, and that a man with a large penis (see: "Littlefinger"?) is sometimes said to have [a third leg].
From there the song grows only more suspicious as potential inspiration, as it makes explicit reference to concealed paternity, and implicitly to an improper sexual relationship involving a "father" (which see Littlefinger and "Alayne"):

Nellie Bly, Nellie Bly went all in a lather
Began to cry, shouting "Why, that's the cow's father!"
He turned white and looked surprised
Then to the bull apologized
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

The closing line about apologizing to the bull resonates with Petyr's dealings with Hoster, and perhaps with cuckoldry as well, as a trespass against patriarchal rights of possession over a woman.
The foregoing represents the seemingly better known Gracie Fields version. The Two Gilberts version is mostly the same, save for a few passages in the middle.
Sidebar: Regarding "The Two Gilberts", there 'just so happens' to be exactly two Gilberts in the ASOIAF canon.
One of ASOIAF's two Gilberts 'just so happens' to be one of the legendary scions of legendary sperm cannon and possibly Quellon Greyjoy analogue Garth Greenhand, Gilbert of the Vines, who 'just so happens' to be responsible for all that good Arbor wine Petyr loves so.
The other Gilbert is Gilbert Farring, who Stannis tells us "holds Storm's End for me". (ASOS Davos IV) Repeating that: ASOIAF'S second Gilbert "holds" something that belongs to Stannis in lieu of Stannis holding it himself. Almost like he's cuckolding him.
There are two other Farrings (like Gilbert) in the canon. One is Godry, "the Giantslayer", which sounds like something one might nickname a guy who cuckolded a guy with the Titan of Braavos on his shield. The other is Annara Farring. She was Lord Frey's seventh wife, and guess what she 'just so happens' to be known for? If you said "cuckolding her lordly husband", congratulations. And guess how we're told that? Via, of all things under the sun, a milk cow analogy:

[Black Walder had] had Edwyn's wife too, that was common knowledge, Fair Walda had been known to slip into his bed from time to time, and some even said he'd known the seventh Lady Frey [Annara Farring] a deal better than he should have. Small wonder he refused to marry. Why buy a cow when there were udders all around begging to be milked? (ASOS Epilogue)

(It was at this point that I went from "Maybe George has heard this song" to "George is 100% familiar with this song.")
End Sidebar
Right after the line about the onion tea, The Two Gilberts version sees the lovesick boy promise riches and wealth, recalling Petyr's lifelong interest in making money:

He said "I'll buy you furs and gems"
"And all the pretty thees[?] and thems[?]"
And the mockingbird went cuckoo and the donkey went hee-haw

CONTINUED & CONCLUDED IN OLDEST REPLY, BELOW or HERE

Sometimes a band gets so big that they somehow outshine themselves. They reach a point in their career where it does not matter if they release a new album or not; fans just want to see them tour. No one gave a damn that Led Zeppelin had not released a new album since the 1970’s; everyone just wanted to see them play again at the O2 Arena in 2007. When The Who played the Super Bowl halftime show in 2010 they had only released one new album in 28 years, and no one cared. And no one cares that Guns & Roses aren’t making new music. They still packed arenas to see how much cake Axl had packed into himself.
We’re going to take a dive into a blues power trio from down south who have zero need to release any new music, since their recording career stretches back over five decades. They had amazing and groundbreaking success in the ‘70s, the ‘80s, and the ‘90s before hitting the max level. Instead of playing to win, they now play for fun. Their sexually charged lyrics and videos inspired generations of teens to both dress better and worry about their fly. And you can bet that their fuzzy, bluesy tight sound had a huge impact on our very own desert dwellers.
It’s time for us to take a walk with That Little Ol’ Band from Texas. This week’s featured artist is the legendary ZZ TOP
About Them
The Power Trio is a tested and true format for a rock band. Lots of examples come to mind: Cream. Rush. The Police. Biffy Clyro. King Buffalo. Them Crooked Vultures. (Wait a sec. Just three members? Clearly, not everything is bigger in Texas.)
There is a member joke there somewhere, but I just can’t get it to come. Hmm. Perhaps it will come if you play with it a bit.
Hey! Stop that. Get your mind out of the gutter.
ZZ Top’s original and founding member was William Frederick Gibbons. Born in Houston in 1949, the front man was originally a drummer but, after studying with Tito Puente in New York City, picked up the guitar at age 13. His dad was a musician in show business, which allowed Billy to get an insider’s view of the industry. By the late ‘60s, he had been in and founded a number of bands and had even befriended the late great James Marshall Hendrix. One of his first bands, a psychedelic/art house band called The Moving Sidewalks, toured with the Jimi Hendrix Experience. This meant that Gibbons was actually mentored by Snagglepuss himself. They also toured with The Doors, where Gibbons saw the legendary self-destructive band somehow manage to rise above conflict and make music every night. The Moving Sidewalks generated a following all of its own with a couple of hit songs, and things seemed to be headed in the right direction.
Things were going absolutely great until bassist Don Summers and keyboard player Tom Moore were drafted into the army to fight in Vietnam. Don't you just love the ‘60s?
Gibbons and drummer Dan Mitchell added a new keyboard player, Lanier Greg, and tried to make another run at it. But the chemistry was all wrong. Gibbons rechristened the band as ZZ Top (an homage to BB King), and declared that he wanted more of a straight up rock approach than the art-house kaleidoscopic sound.
Gibbons, Mitchell, and Greg (isn’t it weird when last names are also first names too?) recorded the single Salt Lick in 1969. This generated a bunch of interest and a recording contract. Decisions over the direction of the band ensued and it quickly became clear that Mitchell and Greg did not agree with Gibbons’ hard rock approach. That ended up being a poor life decision for them, but a great one for a couple of other guys.
Clearly, Gibbons needed a new rhythm section.
Fortunately, he found a package deal.
Dusty Hill and Frank Beard - also both born in 1949 - had been playing together on the Dallas-Houston-Fort Worth circuit in a number of bands, including The Warlocks, The Cellar Dwellers, and a fake cover band called The Zombies. Both the Duster and the (then ironically) beardless Beard also heard the siren call of rock and roll. Hill was classically trained and was an accomplished cello player before moving to his signature bass. Frank ‘Rube’ Beard appears to have been born with drumsticks in his hands (which I imagine might have been uncomfortable for his mom).
Beard joined the band first, along with bassist Billy Ethridge, who had played with Stevie Ray Vaughn. Ethridge balked at signing a contract and so joined Mitchell and Greg on the list of ZZ Top’s former members. Their lineup was set. Hill and Beard anchored the band in a rock-solid, tight, bluesy fashion. Gibbons meshed perfectly with this duo, and his Hendrix-inspired guitar work was on another level. Hill provided backing vocals, and Gibbons’ low throaty growl was an impressive counterpoint to his soaring fretwork. The talent was all there; now they just needed to record some music.
But success was not instantaneous, not by a long shot.
Their first album - appropriately called ZZ Top’s First Album - gives insight into who the band were to become. In this 1971 release, you can hear their raw sound. The record peaked at 201 on the charts, and had only one single - (Somebody Else Been) Shaking Your Tree. It did give them material to go out and tour. The boys gelled on that tour and went back into the studio with renewed energy, and emerged with 1972’s Rio Grande Mud. The disc was a step forward in refining their sound. The album almost cracked the top 100, and the only single - Francine - went all the way to number 69.
Nice.
But the band knew that their third album, Tres Hombres, was something special. It is the epitome of Southern Rock: bluesy, fast paced, sexy, and irreverent, it is just over half an hour of pure magic. And while the album went gold and peaked at number 8 on the charts and is worth your time, it was one particular single that rocketed them to stardom. You know it and you love it, and a-how-how-how-how: La Grange. It is still in heavy rotation on classic rock stations today. And why not? The song is an absolute banger of boogie woogie blues, written about a visit to a whorehouse. What’s not to love?
La Grange propelled them to popularity. Tours sold out. Venues got bigger and bigger. 1975’s follow up album, Fandango!, was half live album (with some covers) and half new material - like an EP with bonus tracks. They covered the Elvis Presley classic Jailhouse Rock, Willie Dixon’s Mellow Down Easy, and John Lee Hooker’s Long Distance Boogie. The boys had rock and blues chops, and had 5 years of touring experience. These were bold statements that cemented their musicality as well as honoring their roots. But side two of the disc had another track that you’ve come to love. You ain’t asking for much: You’re just lookin’ for some Tush. Tush was the perfect sexually charged follow up to ensure that they were not one-hit wonders. It was written in a ten-minute spasm of creativity at a sound check, and has gone on to be one of their most popular songs.
While Tush topped the charts, ZZ Top went back into the studio to record their full length follow up, 1976’s Tejas. The name of the album means ‘friends’ in the Indigenous Caddo language, and was the basis for the name of the state. You know what that means? It means that the name of the state is ‘Friends’. Just like the ‘90s sitcom. Don’t mess with Friends. Anyways, this was an album of experimentation for the band, and unlike its predecessor it came out half baked at best. Billy Gibbons has called it a transition album. What actually happened is the band transitioned into a hiatus from touring and recording, taking some significant time off. They had recorded five albums in six years and spent virtually all their time on the road. The latest effort was just not up to their standards and was a step back. It also completed their recording contract.
What was the solution to this burn out?
Facial hair of course.
The boys took a few years off before landing another recording contract, this time with Warner. Over those months, both Gibbons and Hill grew what would become their signature long ‘Texas Goatee’ beards. Frank Beard did not grow a beard (though he did finally succumb to peer pressure from his bandmates in 2013, and his is much more neatly trimmed). So while they were resting/relaxing/getting their groove back/aligning their chakras or whatever, they also started to reinvent their signature sound as the world moved towards a decade of legendary excess.
The first step on this reinvention journey was 1979’s Degüello. The title literally means ‘decapitation’ but idiomatically refers to a fight to the death. Clearly, the band decided to tackle their transition head on. The album was not as successful as Tres Hombres or Fandango!, but it was not the flop that Tejas was. It did spawn a couple of singles - I Thank You (which was a cover) and the signature hit Cheap Sunglasses. Both are staples at ZZ Top concerts to this day. Degüello was quickly followed up in 1981 by the album El Loco. This was really the first time ZZ Top incorporated a synthesizer into their sound. As you know, the synth was THE new wave sound of the 1980s. Gods help us, keytars were once popular. But Gibbons, Hill, and Beard did not abandon their edge. The single Pearl Necklace was an immensely popular innuendo laced tune from this album. And no, I will not explain what a pearl necklace is to you.
Ask your mom.
Over the course of their first seven albums, ZZ Top had steadily grown in popularity and become a truly extraordinary live band. More than a decade of touring together meant that they had not just cut their teeth. They had found the Tooth Fairy, beaten her senseless, and added fangs to their jaws. They were ready to tackle whatever came their way.
Their huge breakthrough coincided with the birth of music videos and MTV. 1983’s Eliminator was an absolute monster of an album. ZZ Top were everywhere. They completely embraced the Music Video as a medium and became pioneers in this new genre. They branded their band with a 1933 fire-engine red Ford Coupe, which was on the cover of the album. They even had a signature hand gesture that they used as the car went by. The car belonged to Billy Gibbons and embodied his hot rod obsessions. It was featured in the videos for Gimme All Your Lovin’, Sharp Dressed Man, and Legs. Other singles from the album included Got me Under Pressure and TV Dinners. Eliminator is still the band’s most successful album. They were at the absolute height of their popularity with a massive audience. No doubt the 10-year-old Joshua Michael Homme watched those videos on a small screen in the California desert, little knowing that he would one day collaborate with Gibbons.
Seeking to capitalize on the popularity, the band went back into the studio and released Afterburner in 1985. It featured the signature hot rod on the cover and spawned two more singles - Sleeping Bag and Velcro Fly. Afterburner was not an innovative album by any stretch of the imagination. It simply built on the success of Eliminator and replicated the sound. If you blended the two albums together it would be very difficult for a novice fan to guess which song came from which disc. But hell, when you release the most popular album of your career and are earning millions of dollars for that sound, it is not time to mess with success. Or with Texas. Or with Friends (though Ross was a pain in the ass, IMHO).
That desire to not screw up a good thing was also evident in their next release, the retrospective re-release Six Pack. This was a great way to earn some bucks with a simple repackaging of existing tracks - I’m looking at you, K-Tel… - and introducing them to another generation of fans. This was not a bad thing at all - you gotta get that green whenever you can, because fame can be fleeting.
ZZ Top closed out the decade by going Back to the Future. Literally. They appeared in the third installment of the Michael J. Fox trilogy as the olde-timey house band (complete with rotating guitars) in the saloon scene. The single and signature song from the movie, Doubleback, appeared on their 1990 release Recycler. The album spawned two more singles: My Head’s in Mississippi and Concrete and Steel. Recycler was not as successful as its predecessors, but it did effectively max level the band. In the 1970’s they were a scuffling bar band that hit it big. In the 1980’s they were one of the most popular bands of the MTV generation. And in the 1990’s they achieved superstardom. They had hit the level where it truly no longer mattered if they ever released new material again. They could simply tour on their back catalogue alone and sell out stadiums.
It is clear that the band realized this as well. In the thirty years since Recycler came out, they have released five albums of new material: Antenna in 1994, Rhythmeen in 1996, XXX in 1999, Mescalero in 2003 and the critically acclaimed and Rick Rubin produced La Futura in 2012. This was equivalent to their output in their first six years.
In contrast, they have released no less than eight greatest hits albums, cover albums and live albums in the same time span. Greatest Hits came out in 1992. One Foot in the Blues was released in 1994. The massive compilation Chrome, Smoke & BBQ came out in 2003, and is a fantastic place to start if you are a new fan. Rancho Texicano was released in 2004, Live from Texas came out in 2008, and Double Down Live hit shelves in 2009. Live at Montreaux came out in 2013 and Tonite at Midnight: Live Greatest Hits from Around the World was released in 2016.
As recently as 2019, there were rumors that a new album was in the works for our Septuagenarian heroes. Lord knows the boys from Texas have nothing left to prove to anyone.
It was then that tragedy struck. Dusty Hill had to leave the band during a tour in 2021. The reason given was a hip injury. His guitar tech, Elwood Francis, filled in. Shockingly, Hill died at home at the age of 72 just five days after leaving the tour.
Fans were shocked and mourned the stalwart bassist. Per his wishes - and it seems he knew something wasn’t quite right - ZZ Top did not break up. Francis replaced Hill on bass, and the band soldiered on. In 2022, they released Raw, a soundtrack for a 2019 documentary about them. This was Hill’s final release.
You can still catch them on tour. They are going to be out there this summer, touring with Lynyrd Skynyrd, for something they are calling ‘The Sharp Dressed Simple Man’ Tour.
Go buy some tickets. Don’t miss your chance to see a truly iconic band before they are gone.
Links to QOTSA
The Reverend Billy F. Gibbons was a big part of the Lullabies to Paralyze album by our Desert Dwellers. He played guitar and provided backing vocals on Burn the Witch. He was co-lead vocalist and lead guitar on the QotSA cover of Precious and Grace, which he originally released as a ZZ Top tune on the Tres Hombres album. He also provided the guitar stylings for Like a Drug.
But the connections don't stop there. Billy sang the lead vocal track on the recent Desert Sessions tune Move Together, and he played guitar on Noses in Roses, Forever.
What may be most important to QotSA fans is that Gibbons was the first person, almost two years ago, who hinted that Queens were working on a new album.
And now we know he was right. Never doubt a Reverend.
Their Music
Salt Lick
(Somebody Else Been) Shaking your Tree
Francine
La Grange -- Live on Howard Stern
Jailhouse Rock
Tush -- a fan made video. It is not subtle.
Cheap Sunglasses
Pearl Necklace -- Live
Gimme All Your Lovin’
Sharp Dressed Man
Legs -- the ultimate makeover video
Got Me Under Pressure -- Live at Montreaux
Sleeping Bag -- Let’s go out to Egypt and check out some heads...
Velcro Fly -- also somehow in Egypt
My Head’s In Mississippi
Concrete and Steel -- vintage video
Doubleback
I Gotsta Get Paid -- from La Futura
Show Them Some Love
/zztop
Previous Posts
Tool
Alice in Chains
King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard
Rage Against The Machine
Soundgarden
Run the Jewels
Royal Blood
Arctic Monkeys
Ty Segall
Eagles of Death Metal
Them Crooked Vultures
Led Zeppelin
Greta Van Fleet
Ten Commandos
Screaming Trees
Sound City Players
Iggy Pop
Mastodon
The Strokes
Radiohead
All Them Witches

Here you go Online Jamily, here is the final complete Part #1 post series link summary of all the Remixes/B-Sides of Jamiroquai from the past 30 years, I hope EVERYONE enjoyed this expansive post series..ENJOY!:

30 Years Of Jamiroquai All Of The Remixes/B-Sides Series Part #1 Post Series Link Summary!

Emergency On Planet Earth Album Era (1992-1993)

The Return Of The Space Cowboy Album Era (1994-1996)

Travelling Without Moving Album Era (1996-1997)

Synkronized Album Era (1998-1999)

Bonus Section: Single By Single LineaSong Notes:

WHEN YOU GONNA LEARN (1992-1993):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"When You Gonna Learn" is the debut single released by British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai. It was originally released in 1992 by Acid Jazz Records, then re-released on Sony Square Records in 1993 as the lead single from the band's debut studio album, Emergency on Planet Earth. The lyrical themes, like many of Jamiroquai's early songs, speak of environmental awareness.
Please note:
I will be noting ONLY OFFICIAL 'Remixes/B-Sides' for this series, NO White Labels/3rd Party Remixes, Per Single Release. All release information provided by Discogs.com!

TOO YOUNG TO DIE (1993):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Too Young to Die" is the second single taken from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's debut studio album, Emergency on Planet Earth. The original version of the track runs at 10:18, however, both the single and album versions were cut, running at 3:22 and 6:05 respectively. The single peaked at #10 on the UK Singles Chart.

BLOW YOUR MIND (1993):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Blow Your Mind" is the third overall single to be released from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's debut studio album, Emergency on Planet Earth. The single was released on 24 May 1993 on Sony Soho Square in the United Kingdom and 1 July 1993 on Epic Records in Japan, peaking at #12 on the UK Singles Chart.

EMERGENCY ON PLANET EARTH (1993):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Emergency on Planet Earth" is the fourth and final single released from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's debut studio album, of the same name. The song was written by Jay Kay, and has a very environmentalist tone, urging the listener to "stop modernisation going on."

SPACE COWBOY (1994):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Space Cowboy" is the international lead single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's second studio album, The Return of the Space Cowboy. The single peaked at #17 on the UK Singles Chart, and was the band's first number one on the U.S. Dance Chart.

HALF THE MAN (1994):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Half the Man" was released as the third overall single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's second studio album, The Return of the Space Cowboy. The track peaked at #15 on the UK Singles Chart.

LIGHT YEARS (1994-1995):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Light Years" is the fourth overall single released from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's second studio album, The Return of the Space Cowboy. The song peaked at #36 on the UK Singles Chart, due to little promotion of the track.

STILLNESS IN TIME (1995):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Stillness In Time" was first released as single in Japan in December 1994, but it wasn't released as single in UK and Europe until in June 1995.
Released as the fifth and final overall single from British band Jamiroquai's second studio album, The Return of the Space Cowboy. The track peaked at number 9 on the UK Singles Chart, making it the group's highest-charting release to that date.

VIRTUAL INSANITY (1996):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Virtual Insanity" is a song by British funk band Jamiroquai. It was released as the second single from their third studio album, Travelling Without Moving (1996), on 19 August 1996. The song's award-winning music video was released in September 1996. "Virtual Insanity" was a number-one hit in Iceland and Italy and reached number 3 on the UK Singles Chart. Peaking within the top 10 in Finland and Ireland, the song also peaked at number 38 on the Billboard Modern Rock Tracks chart upon the single's release in America in 1997. The sight of underground town in Sapporo, Northern Japan provided inspiration to this song.

COSMIC GIRL (1996-1997):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Cosmic Girl" is the second single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's third studio album, "Travelling Without Moving" (1996), released on 11 November 1996 on Sony Soho Square in the UK and 14 January 1997 on Sony Music/Work Group in the US.

ALRIGHT (1997):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Alright" is the third single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's third studio album, Travelling Without Moving. It was released on 28 April 1997 on Sony Soho Square in the United Kingdom and 23 September 1997 on Sony Music in the United States. The song was written by Jay Kay. The song peaked at #6 on the UK Singles Chart and at number 2 in Iceland and Italy. It is the group's only single to chart on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100.
The song contains samples from Eddie Harris' "It's All Right Now" and Idris Muhammad's "Could Heaven Ever Be Like This."
The song appears in the next gen version of Grand Theft Auto V on the Non-Stop Pop FM station.

HIGH TIMES (1997):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"High Times" is the fourth and final single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's third studio album, Travelling Without Moving. The song peaked at #20 on the UK Singles Chart.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM? (1996):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Do You Know Where You're Coming From" is the lead single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's third studio album, Travelling Without Moving. Only included as a bonus track on the album, the track features music by M-Beat, who also produced the track. Released on 14 February 1996, the single peaked at #12 on the UK Singles Chart. The single later appeared as a B-side to the group's following single, "Virtual Insanity".

CANNED HEAT (1999):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Canned Heat" is the second single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's fourth studio album, Synkronized, released in 1999. The song was their second number-one on the US Dance Chart and peaked at number 4 on the UK Singles Chart as well as number 2 in Spain. The music video was directed by Jonas Åkerlund. The song is used in the film Napoleon Dynamite, as background music during the title character's famous dance performance before a high school assembly.

BLACK CAPRICORN DAY (1999-2000):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Black Capricorn Day" is the fifth and final single released by British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai from their fourth studio album, Synkronized. The single was released in February 2000 in Japan only, becoming the second single of the group's to be exclusively released in that country. The single peaked at number 14 on the Japan Hot 100 and featured remixes of previous hits "Canned Heat" and "Supersonic". Although the video for the song was included on the British version of the High Times: Singles 1992–2006 DVD, the single was never made available in the UK.

SUPERSONIC (1999):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Supersonic" is the third single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's fourth studio album, Synkronized. The song was written by Jason Kay. The word "supersonic" is repeated a total number of 127 times throughout the song. The track was their third #1 on the U.S. Dance Chart,[1] and peaked at #22 on the UK Singles Chart. The single release features various remixes of the song. "Supersonic" was one of five tracks remixed in 2006 for the group's Classic Club releases.

DEEPER UNDERGROUND (1998):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Deeper Underground" is a single by British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai that appeared on the soundtrack to the 1998 film, Godzilla. The song was also included as a bonus track on the group's fourth studio album, Synkronized, as well as on the special edition of the group's fifth album, A Funk Odyssey.
The song became a hit in several countries, finding the most success in the band's native United Kingdom, and becoming the group's first and only single to reach number one on the UK Singles Chart. The track replaced Another Level's ‘Freak Me’ at the top, and spent a week there before being knocked off by the Spice Girls' Viva Forever. To date, Deeper Underground has sold 339,100 copies.

SUMMARY PART #2 COMING SOON!

Here you go Online Jamily, here is the final complete Part #1 post series link summary of all the Remixes/B-Sides of Jamiroquai from the past 30 years, I hope EVERYONE enjoyed this expansive post series..ENJOY!:

30 Years Of Jamiroquai All Of The Remixes/B-Sides Series Part #1 Post Series Link Summary!

Emergency On Planet Earth Album Era (1992-1993)

The Return Of The Space Cowboy Album Era (1994-1996)

Travelling Without Moving Album Era (1996-1997)

Synkronized Album Era (1998-1999)

Bonus Section: Single By Single LineaSong Notes:

WHEN YOU GONNA LEARN (1992-1993):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"When You Gonna Learn" is the debut single released by British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai. It was originally released in 1992 by Acid Jazz Records, then re-released on Sony Square Records in 1993 as the lead single from the band's debut studio album, Emergency on Planet Earth. The lyrical themes, like many of Jamiroquai's early songs, speak of environmental awareness.
Please note:
I will be noting ONLY OFFICIAL 'Remixes/B-Sides' for this series, NO White Labels/3rd Party Remixes, Per Single Release. All release information provided by Discogs.com!

TOO YOUNG TO DIE (1993):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Too Young to Die" is the second single taken from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's debut studio album, Emergency on Planet Earth. The original version of the track runs at 10:18, however, both the single and album versions were cut, running at 3:22 and 6:05 respectively. The single peaked at #10 on the UK Singles Chart.

BLOW YOUR MIND (1993):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Blow Your Mind" is the third overall single to be released from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's debut studio album, Emergency on Planet Earth. The single was released on 24 May 1993 on Sony Soho Square in the United Kingdom and 1 July 1993 on Epic Records in Japan, peaking at #12 on the UK Singles Chart.

EMERGENCY ON PLANET EARTH (1993):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Emergency on Planet Earth" is the fourth and final single released from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's debut studio album, of the same name. The song was written by Jay Kay, and has a very environmentalist tone, urging the listener to "stop modernisation going on."

SPACE COWBOY (1994):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Space Cowboy" is the international lead single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's second studio album, The Return of the Space Cowboy. The single peaked at #17 on the UK Singles Chart, and was the band's first number one on the U.S. Dance Chart.

HALF THE MAN (1994):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Half the Man" was released as the third overall single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's second studio album, The Return of the Space Cowboy. The track peaked at #15 on the UK Singles Chart.

LIGHT YEARS (1994-1995):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Light Years" is the fourth overall single released from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's second studio album, The Return of the Space Cowboy. The song peaked at #36 on the UK Singles Chart, due to little promotion of the track.

STILLNESS IN TIME (1995):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Stillness In Time" was first released as single in Japan in December 1994, but it wasn't released as single in UK and Europe until in June 1995.
Released as the fifth and final overall single from British band Jamiroquai's second studio album, The Return of the Space Cowboy. The track peaked at number 9 on the UK Singles Chart, making it the group's highest-charting release to that date.

VIRTUAL INSANITY (1996):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Virtual Insanity" is a song by British funk band Jamiroquai. It was released as the second single from their third studio album, Travelling Without Moving (1996), on 19 August 1996. The song's award-winning music video was released in September 1996. "Virtual Insanity" was a number-one hit in Iceland and Italy and reached number 3 on the UK Singles Chart. Peaking within the top 10 in Finland and Ireland, the song also peaked at number 38 on the Billboard Modern Rock Tracks chart upon the single's release in America in 1997. The sight of underground town in Sapporo, Northern Japan provided inspiration to this song.

COSMIC GIRL (1996-1997):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Cosmic Girl" is the second single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's third studio album, "Travelling Without Moving" (1996), released on 11 November 1996 on Sony Soho Square in the UK and 14 January 1997 on Sony Music/Work Group in the US.

ALRIGHT (1997):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Alright" is the third single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's third studio album, Travelling Without Moving. It was released on 28 April 1997 on Sony Soho Square in the United Kingdom and 23 September 1997 on Sony Music in the United States. The song was written by Jay Kay. The song peaked at #6 on the UK Singles Chart and at number 2 in Iceland and Italy. It is the group's only single to chart on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100.
The song contains samples from Eddie Harris' "It's All Right Now" and Idris Muhammad's "Could Heaven Ever Be Like This."
The song appears in the next gen version of Grand Theft Auto V on the Non-Stop Pop FM station.

HIGH TIMES (1997):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"High Times" is the fourth and final single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's third studio album, Travelling Without Moving. The song peaked at #20 on the UK Singles Chart.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM? (1996):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Do You Know Where You're Coming From" is the lead single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's third studio album, Travelling Without Moving. Only included as a bonus track on the album, the track features music by M-Beat, who also produced the track. Released on 14 February 1996, the single peaked at #12 on the UK Singles Chart. The single later appeared as a B-side to the group's following single, "Virtual Insanity".

CANNED HEAT (1999):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Canned Heat" is the second single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's fourth studio album, Synkronized, released in 1999. The song was their second number-one on the US Dance Chart and peaked at number 4 on the UK Singles Chart as well as number 2 in Spain. The music video was directed by Jonas Åkerlund. The song is used in the film Napoleon Dynamite, as background music during the title character's famous dance performance before a high school assembly.

BLACK CAPRICORN DAY (1999-2000):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Black Capricorn Day" is the fifth and final single released by British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai from their fourth studio album, Synkronized. The single was released in February 2000 in Japan only, becoming the second single of the group's to be exclusively released in that country. The single peaked at number 14 on the Japan Hot 100 and featured remixes of previous hits "Canned Heat" and "Supersonic". Although the video for the song was included on the British version of the High Times: Singles 1992–2006 DVD, the single was never made available in the UK.

SUPERSONIC (1999):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Supersonic" is the third single from British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai's fourth studio album, Synkronized. The song was written by Jason Kay. The word "supersonic" is repeated a total number of 127 times throughout the song. The track was their third #1 on the U.S. Dance Chart,[1] and peaked at #22 on the UK Singles Chart. The single release features various remixes of the song. "Supersonic" was one of five tracks remixed in 2006 for the group's Classic Club releases.

DEEPER UNDERGROUND (1998):

MORE INFO ABOUT THESE RELEASES:

"Deeper Underground" is a single by British funk/acid jazz band Jamiroquai that appeared on the soundtrack to the 1998 film, Godzilla. The song was also included as a bonus track on the group's fourth studio album, Synkronized, as well as on the special edition of the group's fifth album, A Funk Odyssey.
The song became a hit in several countries, finding the most success in the band's native United Kingdom, and becoming the group's first and only single to reach number one on the UK Singles Chart. The track replaced Another Level's ‘Freak Me’ at the top, and spent a week there before being knocked off by the Spice Girls' Viva Forever. To date, Deeper Underground has sold 339,100 copies.

SUMMARY PART #2 COMING SOON!

Hi all,
My third attempt got much better feedback, and so I'm hopeful that barring any serious notes this will be my last submission here. Fingers crossed! I tried to tidy things up a bit while re-introducing the younger mentor character.
In that light, I've also included my first 300 words. I'm hoping to do another couple of weeks of editing before sending my first round of beta-reads out.
As always, I appreciate the time you all spend trying to make folks like me a bit better!
-----
QUERY LETTER
Dear First Last,
THE NATURE OF MAGIC is an adult fantasy novel complete at 98,000 words. It is a standalone work with series potential which will appeal to fans of A River Enchanted by Rebecca Ross and The Queen of Blood by Sarah Beth Durst.
Thirty-five-year-old Oren Briggs has just failed his final university conjury exam. But he’s desperate to amount to something greater than the simple life he’s stuck in. For two decades he has barely stepped away from the family brewery in town. And he just wasted three years of study trying (unsuccessfully) to balance ale and academia. Oren begs the faculty for one last lifeline, one last chance to join the prestigious ranks of conjurers. He earns it in the form of an unenviable thesis rewrite.
As Oren’s rewrite begins, a magical disaster wracks the distant capital city. Huge slabs of earth have shot into the air without cause or warning. Oren sees this as an opportunity to prove himself as a student and conjurer, but the faculty disagree. He’s not ready. They assign him a new mentor to continue his studies: a younger, more talented student.
Days later, another disaster strikes the nearby port town of Spritsend. Oren’s childhood home. With the faculty over-extended, Oren chooses to leave the brewery behind and go to Spritsend with his mentor. Ready or not, he knows this is his chance. He has to find a way to quell the torrent of magic. But there is more danger waiting than just rain and thunder. In the maw of a cataclysmic storm, Oren will decide just how much he’s willing to risk to forge a more meaningful life.
I am a [REDACTED] at [REDACTED]. In my spare time I tend to my freshwater fish tank, go birding, and develop interactive fiction games. I would be happy to send you my manuscript.
-----
FIRST 300 WORDS
As the bells of Fellbeg rang the late hour, Oren Briggs was deep into his final conjury examination and failing spectacularly.
After three years of rigorous study, his ability to ascend from fore- to post-laurai (and then on to yet greater things) rested on his ability to convince this esteemed panel of faculty that he had not just learned the proper material during his time at Sn. Odo’s, but that he could apply it for the betterment of society. The sour faces of four out of five of them, however, told him that he was not succeeding.
Oren had been under intense oral examination for the better part of an hour (not including the taxing conjury work beforehand), and his strong legs were beginning to grow weary. He teetered, steadied himself, and did his best not to sigh loudly.
“Very well,” said the leftmost faculty member, Inga Podt. She had championed Oren since he was first admitted to Sn. Odo’s at the overripe age of thirty-two, nearly double that of most of his peers. She had largely been alone in doing so. “We’ve been at this long enough. I believe Professor Daulay has the final question.”
Daulay’s stare had been the most penetrating for the better part of the examination. Oren knew her as Head of House at Graves College, and as far as he cared her temperament matched her position. Oren winced and braced himself.
“Oren, I’m left with one final thing I’d like to know. And I do believe I’m speaking on behalf of the rest of the panel when I ask this.” She looked to her left and right, not waiting for nods of assent.

media.tenor.com/ydMWvQCt6MIAAAAC/horny-shrek.gif
Video: Mirror - Shrek
This is part of a series exploring the hidden motives and actions of the main players during Robert's Rebellion, named LBJ in reference to the influence of Lyndon B. Johnson and the Vietnam War on GRRM's views and writings on war. LBJ also indicates considerations over whether Lyanna + Bobby B = Jon Snow. Previous installments include:

In the last part, we combed through evidence that Lyanna fought disguised as Rhaegar at the Trident. We'll now examine why Cersei's torture of the Blue Bard indicates that Rhaegar was tortured by Robert, for the crime of crowning his beloved Lyanna with winter roses in front of half the realm.

"It saddens me to see Your Grace so careworn. I say, run off and play and leave the King's Hand to hear these tiresome petitions. We could dress as serving girls and spend the day amongst the smallfolk, to hear what they are saying of the fall of Dragonstone. I know the inn where the Blue Bard plays when he is not singing attendance on the little queen, and a certain cellar where a conjurer turns lead into gold, water into wine, and girls into boys. Perhaps he would work his spells on the two of us. Would it amuse Your Grace to be a man one night?"

- A Feast for Crows Cersei VIII

Mirror on the Wall: King Robert vs. Queen Cersei

Robert is practiced at shutting his eyes to things he’d rather not see, like when he can’t admit he’s too fat for his armor (like Cersei assumes washerwomen shrunk her gowns) or when he pretends wine made him hurt his queen (which Cersei reenacts on Taena, but is frustrated when that Myrish slut enjoys it). Robert fills his court with corrupt lickspittles and admits on his deathbed that he was a bad king when previously he expected Ned to say otherwise. Likewise, Cersei assumes she’s a political mastermind, basically Tywin with teats. In answer to Robert grooming Barra's barely pubescent mother, Cersei grooms and psychologically scars young Lancel (and Tyrek too for all we know). Robert incestuously cheats with his Estermont cousin early in his reign, so Cersei rekindles incest with her brother Jaime. Cersei has bastards killed who could threaten her own children's claims, and Robert tries to have Dany and her unborn child killed to protect the throne from dragonspawn. Robert pretends to care about his baseborn children, and people doubt Cersei loves anyone as more than an extension of herself (although Varys disagrees). Robert does seem to realize he doesn’t love his heirs, which raises the question of whether or not he knew they were bastards.

To her credit, Cersei did not look away. “He saw us. You love your children, do you not?”
Robert had asked him the very same question, the morning of the melee. He gave her the same answer. “With all my heart.”
“No less do I love mine.”

- A Game of Thrones Eddard XII
King Robert and Queen Cersei are an exercise in avoiding hypocritical analysis; any fault decried in one is reflected in the other in a role-appropriate way. Both lie to themselves and others, drink in excess, have cruel tempers, are physically and sexually abusive, and are terrible parents and rulers. Martin has clearly written Robert and Cersei to mirror one another, and if we saw Robert’s inner monologue, surely it would reveal that he’s just as arrogant and delusional as his wife.
It’s often claimed Robert was unaware of the illegitimacy of his heirs, as he would have gone berserk had he known. If one believes Robert would have executed Cersei for cuckolding him, then it must also be true that Rhaegar incurred Robert’s hatred when he crowned Lyanna with sexually suggestive winter roses in front of half the realm. In fact, we know he did:

As for Robert Baratheon himself, some say he laughed at the prince’s gesture, claiming that Rhaegar had done no more than pay Lyanna her due…but those who knew him better say the young lord brooded on the insult, and that his heart hardened toward the Prince of Dragonstone from that day forth.

- The Fall of the Dragons: The Year of the False Spring The World of Ice and Fire
Given his family history of Targaryen betrayal, when the Laughing Storm rebelled against the Iron Throne over a broken betrothal, as well as his possessiveness of Lyanna, Robert would seek vengeance over Rhaegar's actions at Harrenhal. So when Robert talks about Rhaegar raping Lyanna, it’s easy to imagine that he’s reinforcing a lie to himself. Similar to how he projects Lyanna onto Cersei on their wedding night, Robert is capable of projecting his own actions onto Rhaegar. Robert is the person who actually had sex with Lyanna… but only once.

The king touched her cheek, his fingers brushing across the rough stone as gently as if it were living flesh. “I vowed to kill Rhaegar for what he did to her.”
“You did,” Ned reminded him.
“Only once,” Robert said bitterly.

- A Game of Thrones Eddard I
This subtext is mirrored by Jon Connington's implied love for Rhaegar. Connington laments that Rhaegar ass-ended his tower only once, then indicates that all the girls cried when Rhaegar played his harp, implying that Lyanna crying over Rhaegar's music was nothing special.

Yet when they parted, Jon Connington did not go to the sept. Instead his steps led him up to the roof of the east tower, the tallest at Griffin's Roost. As he climbed he remembered past ascents—a hundred with his lord father, who liked to stand and look out over woods and crags and sea and know that all he saw belonged to House Connington, and one (only one!) with Rhaegar Targaryen. Prince Rhaegar was returning from Dorne, and he and his escort had lingered here a fortnight. He was so young then, and I was younger. Boys, the both of us. At the welcoming feast, the prince had taken up his silver-stringed harp and played for them. A song of love and doom, Jon Connington recalled, and every woman in the hall was weeping when he put down the harp. Not the men, of course. Particularly not his own father, whose only love was land. Lord Armond Connington spent the entire evening trying to win the prince to his side in his dispute with Lord Morrigen.

- A Dance with Dragons The Griffon Reborn
Robert's false accusation of rape mirrors Lord Mathis Rowan's daughter's lie which landed Dareon, a singer and harpist, on the Wall; if Arya had this information, maybe she wouldn't have murdered him for desertion.

It made her angry to see Dareon sitting there so brazen, making eyes at Lanna as his fingers danced across the harp strings.

_

He is a man of the Night's Watch, she thought, as he sang about some stupid lady throwing herself off some stupid tower because her stupid prince was dead. The lady should go kill the ones who killed her prince. And the singer should be on the Wall.

- A Feast for Crows Cat of the Canals
So when one considers that our favorite evil queen had an innocent singer imprisoned and tortured on trumped up charges, it then should not come as a shock that the fan-favorite warrior king would do something similar.

The Blue Bard Mirror

Cersei has the Blue Bard arrested and tortured in the dungeons, framing him for seducing Margaery. Afraid of Maggy the Frog's prophecies and thus jealous of Margaery, Cersei imprisons the young queen's favorite musician, accusing him of bedding her. She enlists Qyburn to torture a false confession from the Blue Bard and lies to herself about its veracity. The main beats of Cersei's motives and actions here 'rhyme' with what actually happened to Rhaegar: jealous over the prophecy-minded, musical prince's use of pale blue roses at Harrenhal, which according to Bael the Bard's song indicates a desire to bed and father a child on a Stark maiden, Robert imprisoned and tortured Rhaegar, also having Lyanna imprisoned in the tower of joy with Dorne's help, raped her, and lied about Rhaegar's guilt.
What follows is an examination of the Blue Bard torture scene from A Feast for Crows, Cersei IX.
Like Bael the Bard, the Blue Bard is linked to pale blue roses, signaling that his story is relevant to mysteries surrounding Lyanna.

“Not kind,” said Cersei, “merely truthful. Taena tells me that you are called the Blue Bard.”
“I am, Your Grace.” The singer’s boots were supple blue calfskin, his breeches fine blue wool. The tunic he wore was pale blue silk slashed with shiny blue satin. He had even gone so far as to dye his hair blue, in the Tyroshi fashion. Long and curly, it fell to his shoulders and smelled as if it had been washed in rosewater. From blue roses, no doubt. At least his teeth are white. They were good teeth, not the least bit crooked.
“You have no other name?”

His eyes are like Robert's eyes, beckoning readers to 'see':

A hint of pink suffused his cheeks. “As a boy, I was called Wat. A fine name for a plowboy, less fitting for a singer.”
The Blue Bard’s eyes were the same color as Robert’s. For that alone, she hated him. “It is easy to see why you are Lady Margaery’s favorite.”
“Her Grace is kind. She says I give her pleasure.”
“Oh, I’m certain of it. Might I see your lute?”
“If it please Your Grace.” Beneath the courtesy, there was a faint hint of unease, but he handed her the lute all the same. One does not refuse the queen’s request.
Cersei plucked a string and smiled at the sound. “Sweet and sad as love. Tell me, Wat . . . the first time you took Margaery to bed, was that before she wed my son, or after?”
For a moment he did not seem to understand. When he did, his eyes grew large. “Your Grace has been misinformed. I swear to you, I never—”

vs.

For a moment Robert did not seem to understand what Ned was saying. Defiance was not a dish he tasted often. Slowly his face changed as comprehension came. His eyes narrowed and a flush crept up his neck past the velvet collar. He pointed an angry finger at Ned. "You are the King's Hand, Lord Stark. You will do as I command you, or I'll find me a Hand who will."

- A Game of Thrones Eddard VIII
Not only do these passages share certain words and syntax, but they also reinforce both Cersei and Robert's rash, retaliatory natures. Both expect to be obeyed.
Cersei's violence towards the singer even evokes Robert smashing the rubies off Rhaegar's armor at the Trident.

“Liar!” Cersei smashed the lute across the singer’s face so hard the painted wood exploded into shards and splinters. “Lord Orton, summon my guards and take this creature to the dungeons.”
Orton Merryweather’s face was damp with fear. “This . . . oh, infamy . . . he dared seduce the queen?”
“I fear it was the other way around, but he is a traitor all the same. Let him sing for Lord Qyburn.”
The Blue Bard went white. “No.” Blood dripped from his lip where the lute had torn it. “I never . . .” When Merryweather seized him by the arm, he screamed, “Mother have mercy, no.”
“I am not your mother,” Cersei told him.

Cersei retorts that she's not the Blue Bard's mother, before having Wat tortured out of jealousy of her step-daughter Margaery, who she thinks is the younger queen from Maggy's prophecy. This is clearly meant to reflect the story of Snow White, in which her vain and wicked step-mother is told by a magic mirror that the princess is more beautiful, leading her to send a huntsman to kill her. He takes Snow White into the deep of the wood but lets her flee, presenting a boar's heart to the evil queen instead. Similarly, Robert is a huntsman who is killed by a boar, with the aid of strongwine supplied by Cersei.

Dorcas put a silver looking glass into her hand. Very good, the queen thought, smiling at her reflection.

- A Feast for Crows Cersei V
I've previously argued that the queen of love and beauty's laurel at Harrenhal was actually formed from white roses and mistaken as pale blue like frost in shadow. "The Blue Bard went white" is just one of many pieces of text that foreshadows this reveal. Azor Ahai forges Lightbringer, so it makes sense that solutions to major mysteries would involve light phenomena.

Even in the black cells, all they got from him were denials, prayers, and pleas for mercy. Before long, blood was streaming down his chin from all his broken teeth, and he wet his dark blue breeches three times over, yet still the man persisted in his lies. “Is it possible we have the wrong singer?” Cersei asked.
“All things are possible, Your Grace. Have no fear. The man will confess before the night is done.” Down here in the dungeons, Qyburn wore roughspun wool and a blacksmith’s leather apron. To the Blue Bard he said, “I am sorry if the guards were rough with you. Their courtesies are sadly lacking.” His voice was kind, solicitous. “All we want from you is the truth.”
“I’ve told you the truth,” the singer sobbed. Iron shackles held him hard against the cold stone wall.
“We know better.” Qyburn had a razor in his hand, its edge gleaming faintly in the torchlight. He cut away the Blue Bard’s clothing, until the man was naked but for his high blue boots. The hair between his legs was brown, Cersei was amused to see. “Tell us how you pleasured the little queen,” she commanded.

vs.

There was a faint blue shimmer to the thing, a ghost-light that played around its edges, and somehow Will knew it was sharper than any razor.

- A Game of Thrones Prologue
Qyburn slices off the Blue Bard's nipple and the wet red eye weeps blood... Margaery may favor his music, but it's obvious they did not have a sexual relationship. Lyanna also was moved to tears by Rhaegar's music, but that doesn't mean she desired him. This series is called A Song of Ice & Fire, so it's appropriate to hide major clues to its most important mysteries in a singer's tale.

“I never . . . I sang, was all, I sang and played. Her ladies will tell you. They were always with us. Her cousins.”
“How many of them did you have carnal knowledge of?”
“None of them. I’m just a singer. Please.”
Qyburn said, “Your Grace, mayhaps this poor man only played for Margaery whilst she entertained other lovers.”
Lord Qyburn ran a hand up the Blue Bard’s chest. “Does she take your nipples in her mouth during your love play?” He took one between his thumb and forefinger, and twisted. “Some men enjoy that. Their nipples are as sensitive as a woman’s.” The razor flashed, the singer shrieked. On his chest a wet red eye wept blood. Cersei felt ill. Part of her wanted to close her eyes, to turn away, to make it stop. But she was the queen and this was treason. Lord Tywin would not have turned away.

vs.

The dragon prince sang a song so sad it made the wolf maid sniffle, but when her pup brother teased her for crying she poured wine over his head.

- A Storm of Swords Bran II
Like Cersei mentally distorts reality to believe Margaery seduced the Blue Bard, it's easy to imagine Robert convincing himself that Lyanna tempted Rhaegar, to try to make sense of the insult at Harrenhal:

In the end the Blue Bard told them his whole life, back to his first name day. His father had been a chandler and Wat was raised to that trade, but as a boy he found he had more skill at making lutes than barrels. When he was twelve he ran off to join a troupe of musicians he had heard performing at a fair. He had wandered half the Reach before coming to King’s Landing in hopes of finding favor at court.
“Favor?” Qyburn chuckled. “Is that what women call it now? I fear you found too much of it, my friend . . . and from the wrong queen. The true one stands before you.”
Yes. ~~Cersei~~ Robert blamed ~~Margaery Tyrell~~ Lyanna for this. If not for her, ~~Wat~~ Rhaegar might have lived a long and fruitful life, singing his little songs and bedding ~~pig girls~~ princesses and ~~crofter’s~~ lord’s daughters. Her scheming forced this on me. She has soiled me with her treachery.

Cersei urges the Blue Bard to recant certain accusations, reinforcing the fact that people of means have privileges, a theme of King Robert's reign:

"Not true, Your Grace," protested a wispy young man who must have been Caswell. "What is mine is yours."
"Whenever someone said that to my brother Robert, he took them at their word," Renly said.
"Do you have daughters?"
"Yes, Your Grace. Two."
"Then thank the gods that I am not Robert. My sweet queen is all the woman I desire." Renly held out his hand to help Margaery to her feet. "We'll talk again when you've had a chance to refresh yourself, Lady Catelyn."

- A Clash of Kings Catelyn II
vs.

By dawn the singer’s high blue boots were full of blood, and he had told them how Margaery would fondle herself as she watched her cousins pleasuring him with their mouths. At other times he would sing for her whilst she sated her lusts with other lovers. “Who were they?” the queen demanded, and the wretched Wat named Ser Tallad the Tall, Lambert Turnberry, Jalabhar Xho, the Redwyne twins, Osney Kettleblack, Hugh Clifton, and the Knight of Flowers.
That displeased her. She dare not besmirch the name of the hero of Dragonstone. Besides, no one who knew Ser Loras would ever believe it. The Redwynes could not be a part of it either. Without the Arbor and its fleet, the realm could never hope to rid itself of this Euron Crow’s Eye and his accursed ironmen. “All you are doing is spitting up the names of men you saw about her chambers. We want the truth!”
“The truth.” Wat looked at her with the one blue eye that Qyburn had left him. Blood bubbled through the holes where his front teeth had been. “I might have . . . misremembered.”
“Horas and Hobber had no part of this, did they?”
“No,” he admitted. “Not them.”
“As for Ser Loras, I am certain Margaery took pains to hide what she was doing from her brother.”
“She did. I remember now. Once I had to hide under the bed when Ser Loras came to see her. He must never know, she said.”

The previous line draws attention to a gaping hole in the Rhaegar red herring: Rhaegar believed his children by Elia were heads of the dragon, his son Aegon the prince that was promised, and yet he allegedly left three Kingsguard with Lyanna while leaving none to protect his other children. He also failed to explain their disappearance, when doing so would have gone a long way towards keeping his and Lyanna's families alive.

“I am not lying. Ser Amory dragged Princess Rhaenys out from under her father’s bed and stabbed her to death. He had some men-at-arms with him, but I do not know their names.” He leaned forward. “It was Ser Gregor Clegane who smashed Prince Aegon’s head against a wall and raped your sister Elia with his blood and brains still on his hands.”

- A Storm of Swords Tyrion IX
Wat is kept in the black cells and given milk of the poppy for his pain. He is told by Cersei that he can take the black if he lies sufficiently, so he continues to lie when the Faith gets ahold of and also tortures him. Ned was likewise kept in the black cells, feverish from his broken leg but denied milk of the poppy, then was given a similar deal, the black in exchange for lying and dishonoring himself, before being beheaded on the steps of the Sept of Baelor.

“I prefer this song to the other.” Leave the great lords out of it, that was for the best. The others, though . . . Ser Tallad had been a hedge knight, Jalabhar Xho was an exile and a beggar, Clifton was the only one of the little queen’s guardsman. And Osney is the plum that makes the pudding. “I know you feel better for having told the truth. You will want to remember that when Margaery comes to trial. If you were to start lying again . . .”
“I won’t. I’ll tell it true. And after . . .”
“. . . you will be allowed to take the black. You have my word on that.” Cersei turned to Qyburn. “See that his wounds are cleaned and dressed, and give him milk of the poppy for the pain.”
“Your Grace is good.” Qyburn dropped the bloody razor into a pail of vinegar. “Margaery may wonder where her bard has gone.”
“Singers come and go, they are infamous for it.”
The climb up the dark stone steps from the black cells left Cersei feeling breathless. I must rest. Getting to the truth was wearisome work, and she dreaded what must follow. I must be strong. What I must do I do for Tommen and the realm. It was a pity that Maggy the Frog was dead. Piss on your prophecy, old woman. The little queen may be younger than I, but she has never been more beautiful, and soon she will be dead.

Ahem...

It rained all through that night, and come morning Ned, Lem, and Watty the Miller awoke with chills. Watty could not keep his breakfast down, and young Ned was feverish and shivering by turns, with skin clammy to the touch.

- A Storm of Swords Arya VIII
Of interest, the only time our author's name appears in the canon is applied to Lord Confessor George Graceford, a notorious torturer during the reign of Aegon III who had a knack for extracting false confessions. Because of this, and in light of mirrored text during Qyburn's torture of the Blue Bard, surely this scene is of utmost importance in unravelling hidden truths.
Like Cersei with the Blue Bard, Robert may have wanted to witness the torture of Rhaegar. Previously, we saw indications that Rhaegar and/or his companions were held in Ghaston Grey, the Alcatraz-style island prison in the Sea of Dorne. Yet it's also possible Rhaegar was held for a time on the mainland, perhaps at Summerhall or even Storm's End, where Robert lingered while trying to consolidate his military power:

The king's voice was thick with anger. "My brother had a gift for inspiring loyalty. Even in his foes. At Summerhall he won three battles in a single day, and brought Lords Grandison and Cafferen back to Storm's End as prisoners. He hung their banners in the hall as trophies. Cafferen's white fawns were spotted with blood and Grandison's sleeping lion was torn near in two. Yet they would sit beneath those banners of a night, drinking and feasting with Robert. He even took them hunting. 'These men meant to deliver you to Aerys to be burned,' I told him after I saw them throwing axes in the yard. 'You should not be putting axes in their hands.' Robert only laughed. I would have thrown Grandison and Cafferen into a dungeon, but he turned them into friends. Lord Cafferen died at Ashford Castle, cut down by Randyll Tarly whilst fighting for Robert. Lord Grandison was wounded on the Trident and died of it a year after. My brother made them love him, but it would seem that I inspire only betrayal. Even in mine own blood and kin. Brother, grandfather, cousins, good uncle . . ."

- A Storm of Swords Davos IV
In testament to how easy it is to be duped into supporting conflicts based on lies, just as Robert and his allies garnered support for the rebellion based on malicious propaganda, consider this fact about the film The Rock, set at Alcatraz:

A scene from the film was the basis for incorrect and false descriptions of the Iraqi chemical weapons program. Britain’s Secret Intelligence Service was led to believe Saddam Hussein was continuing to produce weapons of mass destruction by a false agent who based his reports on the movie the false claims of weapons of mass destruction were the justification for UK’s entering the war.)

Video: The Rock - Ranger Bob
Going forward, we'll continue the examination of evidence that Robert Baratheon truly earned his moniker the Demon of the Trident, showing that he went along with a deceptive plot to overthrow the Targaryen dynasty, and even raped Lyanna after his loss at Ashford. We will then conclude by examining Ned's inner turmoil, indicting his best friend and king. To preview where this series is headed, in its full audio/visual glory with greater detail, look here.

As we embrace the spirit of Pride Month, it's the perfect time to explore the magical realms of cozy fantasy books that celebrate queer identities. If you're looking for heartwarming tales filled with diverse characters, enchanting worlds, and a sprinkle of queer romance, look no further! Whether you're seeking well-known titles or hidden gems, this collection offers a little something for everyone.
While you may be familiar with some of the popular ones, I'll still mention them:

Ashwick, R.K. - A Rival Most Vial
Baldree, Travis - Legends & Lattes
Chambers, Becky - Monk and Robot
Evans, Johannes T. - Heart of Stone
Katz, Meredith - The Cybernetic Tea Shop
Klune, T.J. - House in the Cerulean Sea
Rowland, S.L. - Cursed Cocktails
Thorne, Rebecca - Can’t Spell Treason without Tea

You can also cast your vote for your favorites from the eight above in our Pride Month Cozy Fantasy Tournament! Voting for the first bracket ends June 7 at 11:59 p.m. CDT.
Some of the lesser known ones but are well worth checking out:

Begley, Tobias - The Enchanter
Buchanan, Andi C. - Succulents and Spells
Burgis, Stephanie - Moontangled
Calvin, Effie - Tales of Inthya
Cerridwen, Minerva - The Dragon of Ynys
Cooper, Dove - Sea Foam and Silence
Cooper, R. - Holly & Oak
Crook, Amy - The Raven Door
Crook, Amy - To Hive and to Hold
Darling, Katherine A. - Memory of Tea and Magic
Deen, Bambo - A Little Bit of Love's Magic
Demas, A.J. - One Night in Buko
Derr, Megan - How Not to Marry a Prince
Glassman, Shira - The Second Mango
Glenn Gray, Aster - Briarley
Green, Diana - Taking Flight and Hearth Mage
Gwynn, Lila - The Orc and Her Bride
Harper, Lana - Payback's a Witch
Karpa, Mike - Red Dot
Kirby, Madeline - Jake and Boo series
Lukens, F.T. - So This Is Ever After
Meadows, S.R. - Sorcery and Scones
Mudge, Faith - Humanity for Beginners
Noone, K.L. - The Magician
O’Neill, Kay - Tea Dragon Society
Oniomoh, Viano - The Aurora Circus
Pastafarian - Quill & Still
Powell, Arden - The Bachelor's Valet
RavensDagger - Cinnamon Bun
Rayner Roberts, Tansy - Merry Happy Valkyrie
Russell, E.J. - Quest Investigations series
Sherwood, A.J. - How I Stole the Princess's White Knight and Turned Him to Villainy
Stang, Morgan - The Bookshop and The Barbarian
Todd, Mel - Twisted Luck series
Walker, Suzanne - Mooncakes
Wambheim, Elizabeth - Of the Wild

Some higher stakes ones that might not be cozy enough for some readers:

Addison, Katherine - A Witness for the Dead
Brennan, Sarah Rees - In Other Lands
Calvin, Effie - Daughter of the Sun
Kingfisher, T - Paladin's Grace
Locke, Fox N. - Their Heart a Hive
Marsks, Freya - A Marvellous Light
Meadows, Foz - A Stubborn Endurance
O'Neill, Kay - Tea Dragon Society
Polk, C.L. - Witchmark
Pratt, Tim - The Wrong Stars
Pulley, Natasha - The Watchmaker of Filigree Street
Rowland, Alexandra - A Conspiracy of Truths
Rowland, Alexandra - A Taste of Gold and Iron
Tesh, Emily - Silver in the Wood
Therin, Allie - Spellbound
Waggoner, CM - The Ruthless Lady’s Guide to Wizardry

So grab a cup of tea, cozy up in your favorite reading nook, and embark on a journey through these wonderful books. Don't hesitate to share your own recommendations or express your thoughts on beloved favorites in the comments below.
Happy Pride Month, dear bookworms! May your reading be filled with magic, love, and the joy of embracing your authentic self.
EDIT: I also wanted to add a notice about the /fantasy LGBTQ+ book club (Beyond Binaries) which will be starting this June! We'll be reading In the Lives of Puppets by T J Klune. Feel free to come join in! There is more information in the linked thread.

This post is part of a series looking at the massive amount of 'rhyming' (and occasionally rhyming) recursivity I believe exists between (a) the homecoming of Petyr Baelish to the Fingers and (b) the homecoming of Theon Greyjoy to Pyke.
While this series/post can be read simply as a study 'for its own sake' of the curious recursion between these storylines, it is my belief that the 'rhyming' explored here between the stories of Petyr and Theon exists (at least in part) to foreshadow that, like Theon, Petyr Littlefinger, is (among other things) a scion of ironborn kings, because Petyr is Hoare-ish: I.e. because Petyr's blood is (in some part) the blood of the ironborn kings of House Hoare of Orkmont and, later, Harrenhal.
You can find an index of every post I've made on the topic of a Hoare-ish Littlefinger (including every post in this sub-series) [HERE].
Even if I'm wrong about Littlefinger's lineage, the 'rhyming' recursivity between the homecomings of Theon and Petyr detailed in this series remains, and certainly merits attention.
NOTE: In what follows, all uncited quotes are from ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Petyr's homecoming to his "Drearfort" tower of the 'Smallest Finger', or ACOK Theon I, which describes Theon's homecoming to "drear" Pyke.
As in past posts, I sometimes use "→" as shorthand for "'prefigures' and/or 'informs' and/or 'is reworked by' and/or 'finds a recursive rhyme in'.
As in: ACOK Theon I → ASOS Sansa VI.
This post picks up straight-away from where Part 8 left off. You can read Part 8 [HERE].
If you want to begin at the beginning, Part 1 is [HERE].

The Myraham's Prophetic Cargo

After Theon makes port, the captain of the Myraham announces his cargo to the people on the docks of Lordport and we read about the offloading of the Myraham:

"We're out of Oldtown," the captain called down, "bearing apples and oranges, wines from the Arbor, feathers from the Summer Isles. I have pepper, woven leathers, a bolt of Myrish lace, mirrors for milady, a pair of Oldtown woodharps sweet as any you ever heard." The gangplank descended with a creak and a thud. "And I've brought your heir back to you."

Most of what we read there seems to be reworked in and around Littlefinger's homecoming in ASOS Sansa VI, when the Merling King brings the Dreadfort its heir, Littlefinger, as well as the seeming heir to Winterfell, Sansa. This begins with the Arbor wine and fruit we see off-loaded from the Merling King:

Oswell made two more trips out to the Merling King to offload provisions. Among the loads he brought ashore were several casks of wine. Petyr poured Sansa a cup, as promised. …
… The wine was very fine; an Arbor vintage, she thought. It tasted of oak and fruit and hot summer nights, the flavors blossoming in her mouth like flowers opening to the sun. She only prayed that she could keep it down. Lord Petyr was being so kind, she did not want to spoil it all by retching on him.
… "Grisel," he called to the old woman, "bring some food up. … Oswell's brought some oranges and pomegranates from the King." …
Grisel reappeared…, balancing a large platter. … There were apples and pears and pomegranates, some sad-looking grapes, a huge blood orange.

Besides the straight repetition of Arbor wine, oranges, apples, and heirs, the repeated Oldtown motif is baldly reworked by Sansa's description of the wine, which is patently Oldtown-summer-esque, per the only substantive pre-AFFC description of Oldtown, which associates it with hot, fruity summer nights:

"King Maekar's summer was hotter than this one, and near as long. … [T]he heat was fierce while it lasted. Oldtown… came alive only by night. … I remember the smells of those nights, my lord—perfume and sweat, melons ripe to bursting, peaches and pomegranates, nightshade and moonbloom." (AGOT Eddard V)

The Myraham's "mirrors for milady" prefigure Sansa being figuratively groomed by Petyr and literally grooming herself in Petyr's Eyrie after he takes over:

When Gretchel fetched her Lysa's silvered looking glass, the color seemed just perfect with Alayne's mass of dark brown hair. (AFFC Alayne I)

The Myraham's "woodharps sweet as any you ever heard" presage Sansa being attacked by Marillion, whose "voice was strong and sweet", (AFFC Sansa I) after he sings a song (about blowjobs?) called "Milady's Supper" (supper a la the Myraham-ish fruit Sansa eats for supper when she lands) during Petyr's wedding bedding:

Lady Lysa's singer launched into a bawdy version of "Milady's Supper"….

The Myraham's "woven leathers" and "Myrish lace" are reworked into the "laces unlaced" i.e. unwoven during said wedding:

By the time they had gotten him into the tower and out of his clothes, the other women were flushed, with laces unlaced, kirtles crooked, and skirts in disarray.

That it's a "bolt of Myrish lace" is interesting: After Sansa boards the Merling King, she sees a singular "bolt" from a crossbow strike Dontos, and then two more:

Lothor Brune dipped his torch. Three men stepped to the gunwale, raised crossbows, fired. One bolt took Dontos in the chest as he looked up…. The others ripped into throat and belly. (ASOS Sansa V)

Three crossbow bolts? What does that remind us if not… a Myrish crossbow:

"The king is playing with his new crossbow," Tyrion said. Ridding himself of Joffrey had required only an ungainly Myrish crossbow that threw three quarrels at a time…. (ACOK Tyrion VI)

What about the Myraham's "pepper"? I suspect this gets box-checked first by Sansa trying not to "retch" as she is off-loaded along with the wine with which Littlefinger tries to settle her tummy, as just two chapters later peppers are tightly linked to "retching" of the sort Sansa feels like doing:

[Tyrion] found himself on his knees retching… that double helping of fried eggs cooked up with onions and fiery Dornish peppers. (ASOS Tyrion X)

GRRM seems to play off the "pepper" motif in other ways, as well. Consider that the gathering to meet the Myraham and the shouted questions that prompt her captain to announce her cargo—

A handful of Lordsport merchants had gathered to meet the ship. They shouted questions as the Myraham was tying up.

—get reworked by Petyr's household all gathering "to meet" the Merling King and by their peppering one another with questions:

Servants emerged from the tower to meet them; a thin old woman and a fat middle-aged one, two ancient white-haired men, and a girl of two or three with a sty on one eye. When they recognized Lord Petyr they knelt on the rocks. "My household," he said. "I don't know the child. Another of Kella's bastards, I suppose. She pops one out every few years."

She's a "popper", then, in case we didn't catch that retching → peppers. (This also reworks Theon "popping one off" with the captain's daughter, who is in many ways reworked by Kella, as will be discussed below.)

… [Petyr]… gave the old woman a kiss on the cheek and grinned at the younger one. "Who fathered this one, Kella?"
The fat woman laughed. "I can't rightly say, m'lord. I'm not one for telling them no."
"And all the local lads are grateful, I am quite sure."
"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man. … "How long will you be in residence?"
"As short a time as possible, Bryen, have no fear. Is the place habitable just now, would you say?"
"If we knew you was coming we would have laid down fresh rushes, m'lord," said the crone. "There's a dung fire burning."
"Nothing says home like the smell of burning dung." Petyr turned to Sansa. "Grisel was my wet nurse, but she keeps my castle now. Umfred's my steward, and Bryen—didn't I name you captain of the guard the last time I was here?"
"You did, my lord.…"
… Petyr gestured toward the fat woman. "Kella minds my vast herds. How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"

A gathering, and questions, questions, questions, as when Theon docks.
Recall that Bryen and Umfred come from shore to offload Sansa (who's just been promised a cup of wine to help with her upset "tummy") from the Merling King's rowboat:

The two old men waded out up to their thighs to lift Sansa from the boat so she would not get her skirts wet.

This reworks the "shorehands… off-loading… casks of wine" from a Tyroshi trader docked with the Myraham—

[Theon] spied a Tyroshi trading galley off-loading…
Shorehands rolled casks of wine off the Tyroshi trader, fisherfolk cried the day's catch, children ran and played. A priest in the seawater robes of the Drowned God was leading a pair of horses along the pebbled shore, while above him a slattern leaned out a window in the inn, calling out to some passing Ibbenese sailors.

—which itself prefigures the above-quoted off-loading of the Merling King (when "Oswell made two more trips out to the Merling King to offload provisions" including "several casks of wine", from which Petyr immediately "poured Sansa a cup, as promised").

Kella & The Slattern

What about that "slattern lean[ing] out a window" to greet "some passing… sailors" while "children ran and played"? I submit that she is one of several motifs from Theon's homecoming prefiguring Petyr's servant Kella. I'll explain.
Consider that Petyr's servant Kella has many bastards i.e. children, popping one out every few years:

"I don't know the child. Another of Kella's bastards, I suppose. She pops one out every few years."

We only see one; presumably the others are off somewhere, running and playing, perhaps.
Kella happily greets Petyr as he comes ashore, much as Lordsport's slattern "call[s] out to some passing Ibbenese sailors". Note that the sailors on the Merling King are likewise 'passing' — passing through:

"From here the King turns east for Braavos. Without us."

Consider most of all that Kella's something of a slattern herself: She's "not one for telling them no".

"I can't rightly say, m'lord. I'm not one for telling them no."
"And all the local lads are grateful, I am quite sure."

Indeed, something Lysa says pretty clearly codes Kella as a verbatim "slattern", underlining the recursion:

"How would you like to spend your life on that bleak shore, surrounded by slatterns and sheep pellets?" (ASOS Sansa VII)

So I think the vignette with the slattern and the children in Lordsport pretty plainly prefigures Kella. But I think she's prefigured by two more pieces of Theon's homecoming.

Kella & The Captain's Daughter

Keeping in mind that Kella has a bunch of bastards ("she pops one out every few years) and that she's "not one for telling them no", consider also that she is (a) literally 'with child' — or rather, with a child—

a girl of two or three with a sty on one eye

—that she's (b) "fat"—

"Who fathered this one, Kella?"
The fat woman laughed.

—and that she's (c) coded as a bit stupid:

"Kella minds my vast herds. How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
She had to think a moment. "Three and twenty, m'lord. There was nine and twenty, but Bryen's dogs killed one and we butchered some others and salted down the meat."

All like Theon's "captain's daughter".
The captain's daughter is "plump", as Kella is "fat":

The girl was a shade plump for his taste…

She is likely pregnant with Theon's bastard, a la Kella the bastard-popper.
She tells Theon…

"You can put it in me again, if it please you…"

…and accedes to his request for a blowjob, so she's "not one for telling them no."
She thereby helps Theon 'pop one off', a la Kella "pop[ping] one out".
Like Kella, she seems a bit stupid:

She looked rather stupid when she smiled, but he had never required a woman to be clever.
The stupid girl did not seem to be listening.
She… learned quickly for such a stupid girl….
She looked at him stupidly, so he left her there.

And finally, she offers to work in Theon's castle—

I'd work in your castle, milord.

—just as Kella works for Petyr.

Kella: The Spreading Patch of the Smallest Finger?

Besides the "slattern" and the captain's daughter, I suspect Kella may also riff on — of all things — the "spreading patches" of "lichen" on "wet" Pyke as Theon sails by:

[Pyke was] wet by the same salt waves, festooned with the same spreading patches of dark green lichen, speckled by the droppings of the same seabirds.

Get it? A spreading 'patch'? In combination with "lichen" a la "licking" and Pyke being "wet"? And not just wet, but "wet by… salt waves", when as we know from the captain's daughter, semen tastes "salty", "like the sea". It's like Pyke is being described as a turned-on "slattern" with her legs spread.
A Hoare, we might say.
This connects to Kella, specifically because of her name: Kella is a near anagram for "kale", a dark green plant, like the "dark green lichen".
Actually, the name Kella may have anothere precursor in Theon's story: "Qalen", the maester Theon asks Helya about upon his arrival at Pyke:

"And what of Maester Qalen, where is he?"

Qalen would be pronounced Kalen. Qalen → Kalen → Kale → Kela → Kella. Anyway…

Grisel & The Captain's Daughter

Something similar is going on with Petyr's servant Grisel, the "thin old woman" who was his wet nurse but who "keeps [his] castle now":

"Grisel was my wet nurse, but she keeps my castle now.

Grisel is similarly prefigured by two people from Theon's homecoming, including first the captain's daughter who wants to work in Theon's castle as Grisel works in Petyr's "castle".
Consider first that Grisel, like the captain's daughter, seems slightly stupid (but eager to please), as she fails to grasp Petyr's sarcasm and takes his derisive joke about gulls' eggs and seaweed soup as an order:

"Ah, cold salt mutton. I must be home. When I break my fast on gulls' eggs and seaweed soup, I'll be certain of it."
"If you like, m'lord," said the old woman Grisel.
Lord Petyr made a face.

Then there is the captain daughter's resume:

"I'd work in your castle, milord. I can clean fish and bake bread and churn butter. Father says my peppercrab stew is the best he's ever tasted. You could find me a place in your kitchens and I could make you peppercrab stew."

This surely prefigures what we're told about Grisel making a sea-based soup of her own (i.e. the just mentioned "seaweed soup"), baking bread, and churning butter for Petyr:

Grisel reappeared before he could say more, balancing a large platter. She set it down between them. … The old woman had brought a round of bread as well, and a crock of butter.
Grisel climbed up to the bedchamber to serve the lord and lady a tray of morning bread, with butter, honey, fruit, and cream.

Where Grisel used to be Petyr's wet nurse, Theon suckles the captain daughter's nipple as if she's a wet nurse:

Theon's finger circled one heavy teat, spiraling in toward the fat brown nipple. … He took her nipple in his mouth….
"You can put it in me again, if it please you," she whispered in his ear as he sucked.

And finally, where Theon kisses the captain's daughter on the ear—

[Theon] drew the captain's daughter close and kissed her on her ear.

—Littlefinger kisses Grisel on the cheek:

Oswell and Lothor splashed their way ashore, as did Littlefinger himself. He gave the old woman a kiss on the cheek and grinned at the younger one.

Helya & Grisel (& Gretchel)

Grisel also rhymes with and reworks Helya, who keeps Balon's castle:

A bentback old crone in a shapeless grey dress approached him warily. "M'lord, I am sent to show you to chambers."
"And who are you?"
"Helya, who keeps this castle for your lord father."

Get it? "Helya and Grisel", a la "Hansel and Gretel".
(Gretel is a variant of "Greta". "Grisel" sounds like gristle, whereas in Hansel and Gretel the witch is trying to fatten Hansel up — she don't want no stringy meat! Note the thematic symmetry as well: By treating Hansel kindly and feeding him delicious treats, the witch is essentially "grooming" him for her own benefit/consumption, as Theon and Petyr groom the captain's daughter and Sansa, respectively, for their own benefit. Finally, note that "pebbles" are a key motif in Hansel and Gretel, prefiguring the proliferation of "pebbles" on Pyke, the 'rhyming' "pellets" on Petyr's Finger, and the isle of "Pebble" that leads to Petyr's Finger.)
The two "old" castle keepers neatly invert one another. Consider Grisel's comments about the old rushes and fire in Petyr's tower:

"If we knew you was coming we would have laid down fresh rushes, m'lord," said the crone. "There's a dung fire burning."
"Nothing says home like the smell of burning dung."

That's a recursive reversal of Helya's (lack of) preparation for Theon's visit: Where Grisel has a fire going even though she didn't know Petyr was coming, and where she proactively apologizes for not changing the rushes, telling him "we would have laid down fresh rushes… if we knew you were coming", Helya neither lit a fire nor changed the heavily foregrounded "old and brittle" rushes in the rooms Theon is given—

"I'll have a basin of hot water and a fire in this hearth," he told the crone. "See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill. And gods be good, get someone in here at once to change these rushes."

—despite having ample forewarning of his coming:

It was not as though they had no word of his arrival. Robb had sent ravens from Riverrun, and… Jason Mallister had sent his own birds to Pyke….

The joke is underlined by the introduction of "Gretchel" — Gretel with a borrowed H from Helya/Hansel — who fetches washbasins of water (which, see below), "la[ys] a fire in the hearth" and "tend[s] to the fire", brings food and discusses food storage in Petyr's Eyrie in AFFC Sansa I & Alayne I. (In other words, she 'keeps his castle.')

'Rhyming' Interiors

That's just the beginning of the reversals in the many recursions between Theon's lodgings at Pyke and Sansa's in the Drearfort.
Where Helya leads Theon to his rooms on his orders—

"Show me to my chambers, woman," he commanded. Bowing stiffly, [Helya] led him across the headland to the bridge. …
Whenever he'd imagined his homecoming, he had always pictured himself returning to the snug bedchamber in the Sea Tower, where he'd slept as a child. Instead the old woman led him to the Bloody Keep.

—it's Petyr who leads the way into his tower, casually inviting Grisel (and everyone else) to follow him:

"If you like, m'lord," said the old woman Grisel.
Lord Petyr made a face. "Come, let's see if my hall is as dreary as I recall." He led them up the strand…

Petyr jokes about his hall being "dreary", and perhaps it is, but while it's "small" and "even smaller" within, his tower is also home to his servants, and hence very well lived-in.

Within, the tower seemed even smaller. An open stone stair wound round the inside wall, from undercroft to roof. Each floor was but a single room. The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs. Above that was a modest hall, and higher still the bedchamber.

(Note that the "mastiff", which we see as Petyr leads Grisel in, recalls Helya bowing "stiffly" before leading Theon to his rooms.)
This sharply reverses the situation Theon finds at Pyke, when he's deposited not in a single room shared by a bunch of people who've lived in it forever and warmed by a hearth with a burning fire, a la Sansa, nor in the "snug bedchamber" in the Sea Tower he'd anticipated (which sounds like Littlefinger's little "tower" by the sea), but in the Bloody Keep, in a whole-ass "suite" of large but "chilly", even "cold" rooms with incredibly high ceilings — rooms which haven't even been opened, much less lived-in, for "years", and which are the very definition of "dreary":

The halls here were larger and better furnished, if no less cold nor damp. Theon was given a suite of chilly rooms with ceilings so high that they were lost in gloom. [Omitted but see below.]
[Omitted but see below.] It was not fear of ghosts that made him glance about with distaste. The wall hangings were green with mildew, the mattress musty-smelling and sagging, the rushes old and brittle. Years had come and gone since these chambers had last been opened. The damp went bone deep. "I'll have a basin of hot water and a fire in this hearth," he told the crone. See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill. And gods be good, get someone in here at once to change these rushes."

A ton of the motifs here (including the omitted stuff, which I'll return to) get recycled and reworked in Petyr's tower.
Most obviously, Theon's request for hot water prefigures Sansa's request for a hot bath:

"Might I have a hot bath as well?" asked Sansa.
"I'll have Kella draw some water, m'lady."

Note that Kella fulfills the request, not Grisel. This 'fits', as it's not Helya who brings Theon's water, but "two thralls".
Note also that Sansa requests her bath after thinking…

She desperately needed a bath and a change of clothes.

…whereas Theon changes his clothes immediately after the quoted passages.
Slightly less obviously, the "wall hangings [that] were green with mildew" are reworked by Petyr's own green 'wall hanging': his grandfather's shield, which is painted with a "light green field" and which "hung… above the hearth". The "mildew" is reworked by the fact that the paint is "cracked and flaking" i.e. flawed. And maybe also by the "light green field", since a field grows crops which get milled and which get dewy.

Brittle Bryen's Brigantine, Brindled Mastiff, & Old Blind Dog

As mentioned, the motif of unchanged rushes from Theon's homecoming recurs when Petyr comes home. But Petyr's homecoming also lexically riffs on Theon's rushes being quote-unquote "old and brittle" by giving us Bryen in "brigantine" who is very "old" but not, seemingly, brittle, as he still walks watches, not with his "old blind dog", but with a "brindled mastiff":

"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man. He looked to be at least eighty, but he wore a studded brigantine and a longsword at his side. …
"Bryen—didn't I name you captain of the guard the last time I was here?"
"You did, my lord. You said you'd be getting some more men too, but you never did. Me and the dogs stand all the watches."
Sansa found Bryen's old blind dog in her little alcove beneath the steps…
The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs.

Is the brindled dog a "mastiff" 'only' a wink at Theon going mast-stiff for Asha? (See Part 4.) Maybe. But it's worth mentioning that when Theon is first being stirred by Pyke's banner and it's being battered about like the shield we see in the Drearfort three sentences after the mastiff, it's also (a) flying from a very stiff "mast" and (b) juxtaposed with a very large 'dog' of sorts:

The banner streamed from an iron mast, shivering and twisting as the wind gusted like a bird struggling to take flight. And here at least the direwolf of Stark did not fly above, casting its shadow down upon the Greyjoy kraken.

Musty Old Mattresses

The old, "musty-smelling and sagging" mattress (in the chamber that has just been re-opened after long periods of being closed and uninhabited) from Theon's homecoming is answered in Petyr's homecomiong by Lysa, who arrives a few pages later in the chapter, eager to finally have sex again with Petyr. "Mattress" is slang for a sexually available woman (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mattress) and Lysa sags—

Lady Lysa was two years younger than Mother, but this woman looked ten years older. Thick auburn tresses fell down past her waist, but beneath the costly velvet gown and jeweled bodice her body sagged and bulged.

—and smells stale. (Note that Lysa is on a mattress here.)

Her aunt was drenched in sweet scent, though under that was a sour milky smell. Her cheek tasted of paint and powder.

Lysa's "cheek tast[ing] of paint and powder" riffs on the line about Theon's "distaste" and "fear of ghosts":

It was not fear of ghosts that made him glance about with distaste.

The distaste wordplay is obvious: Lysa tastes bad. As for the "fear of ghosts", Lysa (whom Sansa fears) being covered in "powder" reminds us of Sansa being afraid of a "spirit" covered in powdery flour:

When the spirit stepped out of the open tomb, pale white and moaning for blood, Sansa ran shrieking for the stairs…. Arya stood her ground and gave the spirit a punch. It was only Jon, covered with flour. (AGOT Arya IV)

This line—

The halls here were larger and better furnished, if no less cold nor damp.

—is reworked by Lysa as well, who is big and well-dressed ("better furnished", so to speak)—

[B]eneath the costly velvet gown and jeweled bodice her body sagged and bulged. Her face was pink and painted, her breasts heavy, her limbs thick. She was taller than Littlefinger, and heavier; nor did she show any grace in the clumsy way she climbed down off her horse.

—but cold to Sansa and horny/wet/"damp" for Petyr.
Given that Theon's rooms are in several ways like Lysa (newly 'open for business' after a long period of being closed and untouched by men, etc.), and pronouncing aunt like antler, we also might say that where the Lysa-like rooms are "cold" and "damp", Lysa herself is Sansa's "cold" aunt. Rhyming 'rhyming'.
That "years had come and gone since" the room with the Lysa-like mattress "had last been opened" is reworked not just by Lysa getting laid, but textually when Sansa is told Lysa is coming to the Drearfort (where she is 're-opened', so to speak):

It had been years since Sansa last saw her mother's sister…"

I wonder whether Lysa crying and speaking to Sansa of being "bound by blood" to her—

Tears welled suddenly in Lady Lysa's eyes. "We are women alone now, you and I. Are you afraid, child? Be brave. I would never turn away Cat's daughter. We are bound by blood."

—might not be in part a play on the fact that "the damp went bone deep" in the Bloody Keep. By saying that, Sansa's damp (i.e. crying) aunt "went bone deep", so to speak. (If you're "bound by blood" to someone, you have a "bone deep" bond with them. Also, bone → bound wordplay?)

Braziers → Bracing?

Did Theon's attempt to drive away "the chill" and damp of the salty sea air of Pyke using "braziers"—

See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill.

—inform (via wordplay: braziers → bracing) Petyr's line when the Merling King pulls up to the Drearfort?

Lord Petyr came up beside her, cheerful as ever. "Good morrow. The salt air is bracing, don't you think? It always sharpens my appetite."

And/or is that "sharpening" motif a recursion of Theon sharpening his dirk immediately after said braziers are lit?

After some time, they brought the hot water he had asked for. … While two thralls lit his braziers, Theon stripped off his travel-stained clothing and dressed to meet his father. … He hung a dirk at one hip and a longsword at the other…. Drawing the dirk, he … pulled a whetstone from his belt pouch, and gave it a few licks. He prided himself on keeping his weapons sharp.

Gods Be Good!

The motifs of Theon yelling "gods be good" at his servant and of "ceilings so high that they were lost in gloom" are recursively reworked when Lysa summons Sansa (like a servant) to speak with her the morning after she weds Petyr. Sansa responds to the summons by thinking, verbatim, "gods be good", and is then told they'll be heading to the Eyrie, which we know is "so high you can stand on the parapets and look down on the clouds", i.e. it has parapets 'so high that they were lost in the clouds':

Lady Lysa was still abed [like a good mattress!], but Lord Petyr was up and dressed. "Your aunt wishes to speak with you," he told Sansa, as he pulled on a boot. "I've told her who you are."
Gods be good. "I . . . I thank you, my lord."
Petyr yanked on the other boot. "I've had about as much home as I can stomach. We'll leave for the Eyrie this afternoon."
Seven towers, Ned had told her, like white daggers thrust into the belly of the sky, so high you can stand on the parapets and look down on the clouds. (AGOT Catelyn VI)

The notion of a "ceiling" so high it is lost in gloom is perhaps also reworked by the story Lysa tells Sansa about Petyr's "rise" to power: She says she "always knew how high [Petyr would] rise", and it's my belief that said rise has likely seen him 'lost', spiritually, in 'darkness'. (Note that ceilings are a frequently invoked metaphor when talking about climbing the corporate ladder.)

"Half his teeth were gone, and his breath smelled like bad cheese. I cannot abide a man with foul breath. Petyr's breath is always fresh . . . he was the first man I ever kissed, you know. My father said he was too lowborn, but I knew how high he'd rise. Jon gave him the customs for Gulltown to please me, but when he increased the incomes tenfold my lord husband saw how clever he was and gave him other appointments, even brought him to King's Landing to be master of coin. That was hard, to see him every day and still be wed to that old cold man.

(Recall that the motif of bad/fresh breath there reworks the "winey stench of the old man's [Sylas Sourmouth's] breath", which Theon thinks about roughly ¼ page prior to being shown his suite in the Bloody Keep.)

Butchered Sons & Brothers

Lysa continues to rant:

"Jon did his duty in the bedchamber, but he could no more give me pleasure than he could give me children. His seed was old and weak. All my babies died but Robert, three girls and two boys. All my sweet little babies dead, and that old man just went on and on with his stinking breath. So you see, I have suffered too." Lady Lysa sniffed. "You do know that your poor mother is dead?"
"Tyrion told me," said Sansa. "He said the Freys murdered her at The Twins, with Robb."

Those references to (a) a bunch of dead "babies", including two brothers, one of which was "murdered" when Lysa's father, Hoster Tully, who ruled the Riverlands, betrayed Lysa's trust; and to (b) foul smelling breath, a la Sylas, and finally to (c) the Red Wedding — a bloody betrayal of Sansa's brother, who was King of the Riverlands — particularly (per Sansa saying "Tyrion told me") as it's described by Tyrion—

Sansa did not need to hear how her brother's body had been hacked and mutilated, he decided; nor how her mother's corpse had been dumped naked into the Green Fork in a savage mockery of House Tully's funeral customs. (ASOS Tyrion VII)

—are one of the ways ASOS Sansa VI rejiggers the part of Theon's description of his Bloody Keep suite I "[omitted]" earlier, which entails betrayals, murdered brothers, a River King, slaughter, and bodies "hacked to bits".

[Theon] might have been more impressed if he had not known that these were the very chambers that had given the Bloody Keep its name. A thousand years before, the sons of the River King had been slaughtered here, hacked to bits in their beds so that pieces of their bodies might be sent back to their father on the mainland.
But Greyjoys were not murdered in Pyke except once in a great while by their brothers, and his brothers were both dead.

Lysa's speech with its reference to her abortion and to the Red Wedding (and to stink-breath like Sylas's) isn't the only (or even the main) way Petyr's homecoming chapter refracts those images from Theon's homecoming, though.
Littlefinger is himself a kind of River King (as Lord Paramount of the Trident), right? And note that we read all about his "slaughtered" "sons" just before he enters the tower, wherein we then see the foul betrayers who murdered their 'brothers'. I'm talking, of course, about his sheep and his sheepdogs:

"How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
… "Three and twenty, m'lord. There was nine and twenty, but Bryen's dogs killed one and we butchered some others and salted down the meat."
"Ah, cold salt mutton. I must be home.…" … "Come, let's see if my hall is as dreary as I recall." … A handful of sheep were wandering about the base of the flint tower…. …
Within, the tower seemed even smaller. An open stone stair wound round the inside wall, from undercroft to roof. Each floor was but a single room. The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs.

Note the kitchen, recalling that the Bloody Keep is paired with the Kitchen Keep as Theon first gazes on Pyke:

Farther out were the Kitchen Keep and the Bloody Keep, each on its own island.

Note, too, that the sheep are coded as Petyr's "sons", in a way (a la the "slaughtered… sons of the River King" Theon remembers in his Bloody Tower rooms), and not just because he owns them. He says that Kella has lots of bastards and that she minds his sheep, right? And what else does he say of Kella, in jest? That she 'is' the "mother" of his "daughter," "Alayne Stone":

"Alayne . . . Stone, would it be?" When he nodded, she said, "But who is my mother?"
"Kella?"
"Please no," she said, mortified.
"I was teasing.

The joke foregrounds the notion of Petyr as the father of Kella's children. And while she supposedly has a bunch of bastards, we don't see them. We just see the one girl with the livestock-evoking eye with a sty. It's almost like the sheep she looks after are her children. And thus like Petyr is their father.
(Note the word "mortified". This points straight back to Theon in his Bloody Tower for two reasons: First, greyscale, which mortifies the flesh, killed Balon's brother Harlon, who died "in a windowless tower room" at Pyke. Second: Theon will, in his next chapter, be truly mortified by the realization that "Esgred" is his sister Asha, where that masquerade in turn prefigures Sansa masquerading as Alayne.)
So the "cold" Bloody Keep with its partner the Kitchen Keep and its story of a "slaughter", betrayal, brother killing brother, a River King's sons' bodies "hacked to bits in their beds" — all these motifs are reworked by Kella's account of one of Lord Paramount Petyr's sheep-'sons' being killed by its lexicial 'brothers', the very "sheep-dogs" who were supposed to guard it, and of other sheep-'sons' being verbatim "butchered", i.e. slaughtered on a killing bed and in the process surely hacked into pieces that were then preserved against spoilage for future consumption, such that the resulting "cold salt mutton" could be used as travel rations. Which jibes with Theon's language, creatively interpreted:

[T]he sons of the River King had been slaughtered here, hacked to bits in their beds so that pieces of their bodies might be sent back to their father on the mainland.

(They were slaughtered and hacked to bits only so as to properly preserve them against spoilage during their upcoming journey "back to their father on the mainland", you see!)

Theon's Honor Guard

The conditions in Theon's rooms are consistent with the cold welcome he receives, both from Aeron—

The priest's manner was chilly, most unlike the man Theon remembered.

—and Balon—

Theon pulled off his gloves. "… Why is my father not here to greet me?"
"He awaits you in the Sea Tower, m'lord. When you are rested from your trip."
And I thought Ned Stark cold.

—and they're thus part of a broad yin/yang 'rhyme' with Petyr's initial homecoming, which is warm and welcoming and full of familiar faces, whereas Theon knows no one, such that he thinks:

It is as if I were a stranger here….

The reversal is wryly underlined when Petyr is greeted at the shore by his "captain of the guards", Bryen:

"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man.

Thus Petyr ironically gets the "honor guard" welcome Theon hoped he'd get on his arrival 'home':

[Theon] saw… no honor guard waiting to escort him from Lordsport to Pyke, only smallfolk going about their small business.

Notice that where no one stops what they're doing for Theon, everyone stops when Petyr arrives. And of course, everyone in his household recognizes him, whereas no one recognizes Theon. Which is telling, because in a deep sense, that's all Theon really wants, deep down: a little recognition.
Littlefinger has it… but it's not enough.

(SUB)SERIES CONCLUDES IN PART 10: Oswell & Aeron; Lothar & Dagmer; The Closing Twist

This post is part of a series looking at the massive amount of 'rhyming' (and occasionally rhyming) recursivity I believe exists between (a) the homecoming of Petyr Baelish to the Fingers and (b) the homecoming of Theon Greyjoy to Pyke.
While this series/post can be read simply as a study 'for its own sake' of the curious recursion between these storylines, it is my belief that the 'rhyming' explored here between the stories of Petyr and Theon exists (at least in part) to foreshadow that, like Theon, Petyr Littlefinger, is (among other things) a scion of ironborn kings, because Petyr is Hoare-ish: I.e. because Petyr's blood is (in some part) the blood of the ironborn kings of House Hoare of Orkmont and, later, Harrenhal.
You can find an index of every post I've made on the topic of a Hoare-ish Littlefinger (including every post in this sub-series) [HERE].
Even if I'm wrong about Littlefinger's lineage, the 'rhyming' recursivity between the homecomings of Theon and Petyr detailed in this series remains, and certainly merits attention.
NOTE: In what follows, all uncited quotes are from ASOS Sansa VI, which describes Petyr's homecoming to his "Drearfort" tower of the 'Smallest Finger', or ACOK Theon I, which describes Theon's homecoming to "drear" Pyke.
As in past posts, I sometimes use "→" as shorthand for "'prefigures' and/or 'informs' and/or 'is reworked by' and/or 'finds a recursive rhyme in'.
As in: ACOK Theon I → ASOS Sansa VI.
This post picks up straight-away from where Part 8 left off. You can read Part 8 [HERE].
If you want to begin at the beginning, Part 1 is [HERE].

The Myraham's Prophetic Cargo

After Theon makes port, the captain of the Myraham announces his cargo to the people on the docks of Lordport and we read about the offloading of the Myraham:

"We're out of Oldtown," the captain called down, "bearing apples and oranges, wines from the Arbor, feathers from the Summer Isles. I have pepper, woven leathers, a bolt of Myrish lace, mirrors for milady, a pair of Oldtown woodharps sweet as any you ever heard." The gangplank descended with a creak and a thud. "And I've brought your heir back to you."

Most of what we read there seems to be reworked in and around Littlefinger's homecoming in ASOS Sansa VI, when the Merling King brings the Dreadfort its heir, Littlefinger, as well as the seeming heir to Winterfell, Sansa. This begins with the Arbor wine and fruit we see off-loaded from the Merling King:

Oswell made two more trips out to the Merling King to offload provisions. Among the loads he brought ashore were several casks of wine. Petyr poured Sansa a cup, as promised. …
… The wine was very fine; an Arbor vintage, she thought. It tasted of oak and fruit and hot summer nights, the flavors blossoming in her mouth like flowers opening to the sun. She only prayed that she could keep it down. Lord Petyr was being so kind, she did not want to spoil it all by retching on him.
… "Grisel," he called to the old woman, "bring some food up. … Oswell's brought some oranges and pomegranates from the King." …
Grisel reappeared…, balancing a large platter. … There were apples and pears and pomegranates, some sad-looking grapes, a huge blood orange.

Besides the straight repetition of Arbor wine, oranges, apples, and heirs, the repeated Oldtown motif is baldly reworked by Sansa's description of the wine, which is patently Oldtown-summer-esque, per the only substantive pre-AFFC description of Oldtown, which associates it with hot, fruity summer nights:

"King Maekar's summer was hotter than this one, and near as long. … [T]he heat was fierce while it lasted. Oldtown… came alive only by night. … I remember the smells of those nights, my lord—perfume and sweat, melons ripe to bursting, peaches and pomegranates, nightshade and moonbloom." (AGOT Eddard V)

The Myraham's "mirrors for milady" prefigure Sansa being figuratively groomed by Petyr and literally grooming herself in Petyr's Eyrie after he takes over:

When Gretchel fetched her Lysa's silvered looking glass, the color seemed just perfect with Alayne's mass of dark brown hair. (AFFC Alayne I)

The Myraham's "woodharps sweet as any you ever heard" presage Sansa being attacked by Marillion, whose "voice was strong and sweet", (AFFC Sansa I) after he sings a song (about blowjobs?) called "Milady's Supper" (supper a la the Myraham-ish fruit Sansa eats for supper when she lands) during Petyr's wedding bedding:

Lady Lysa's singer launched into a bawdy version of "Milady's Supper"….

The Myraham's "woven leathers" and "Myrish lace" are reworked into the "laces unlaced" i.e. unwoven during said wedding:

By the time they had gotten him into the tower and out of his clothes, the other women were flushed, with laces unlaced, kirtles crooked, and skirts in disarray.

That it's a "bolt of Myrish lace" is interesting: After Sansa boards the Merling King, she sees a singular "bolt" from a crossbow strike Dontos, and then two more:

Lothor Brune dipped his torch. Three men stepped to the gunwale, raised crossbows, fired. One bolt took Dontos in the chest as he looked up…. The others ripped into throat and belly. (ASOS Sansa V)

Three crossbow bolts? What does that remind us if not… a Myrish crossbow:

"The king is playing with his new crossbow," Tyrion said. Ridding himself of Joffrey had required only an ungainly Myrish crossbow that threw three quarrels at a time…. (ACOK Tyrion VI)

What about the Myraham's "pepper"? I suspect this gets box-checked first by Sansa trying not to "retch" as she is off-loaded along with the wine with which Littlefinger tries to settle her tummy, as just two chapters later peppers are tightly linked to "retching" of the sort Sansa feels like doing:

[Tyrion] found himself on his knees retching… that double helping of fried eggs cooked up with onions and fiery Dornish peppers. (ASOS Tyrion X)

GRRM seems to play off the "pepper" motif in other ways, as well. Consider that the gathering to meet the Myraham and the shouted questions that prompt her captain to announce her cargo—

A handful of Lordsport merchants had gathered to meet the ship. They shouted questions as the Myraham was tying up.

—get reworked by Petyr's household all gathering "to meet" the Merling King and by their peppering one another with questions:

Servants emerged from the tower to meet them; a thin old woman and a fat middle-aged one, two ancient white-haired men, and a girl of two or three with a sty on one eye. When they recognized Lord Petyr they knelt on the rocks. "My household," he said. "I don't know the child. Another of Kella's bastards, I suppose. She pops one out every few years."

She's a "popper", then, in case we didn't catch that retching → peppers. (This also reworks Theon "popping one off" with the captain's daughter, who is in many ways reworked by Kella, as will be discussed below.)

… [Petyr]… gave the old woman a kiss on the cheek and grinned at the younger one. "Who fathered this one, Kella?"
The fat woman laughed. "I can't rightly say, m'lord. I'm not one for telling them no."
"And all the local lads are grateful, I am quite sure."
"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man. … "How long will you be in residence?"
"As short a time as possible, Bryen, have no fear. Is the place habitable just now, would you say?"
"If we knew you was coming we would have laid down fresh rushes, m'lord," said the crone. "There's a dung fire burning."
"Nothing says home like the smell of burning dung." Petyr turned to Sansa. "Grisel was my wet nurse, but she keeps my castle now. Umfred's my steward, and Bryen—didn't I name you captain of the guard the last time I was here?"
"You did, my lord.…"
… Petyr gestured toward the fat woman. "Kella minds my vast herds. How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"

A gathering, and questions, questions, questions, as when Theon docks.
Recall that Bryen and Umfred come from shore to offload Sansa (who's just been promised a cup of wine to help with her upset "tummy") from the Merling King's rowboat:

The two old men waded out up to their thighs to lift Sansa from the boat so she would not get her skirts wet.

This reworks the "shorehands… off-loading… casks of wine" from a Tyroshi trader docked with the Myraham—

[Theon] spied a Tyroshi trading galley off-loading…
Shorehands rolled casks of wine off the Tyroshi trader, fisherfolk cried the day's catch, children ran and played. A priest in the seawater robes of the Drowned God was leading a pair of horses along the pebbled shore, while above him a slattern leaned out a window in the inn, calling out to some passing Ibbenese sailors.

—which itself prefigures the above-quoted off-loading of the Merling King (when "Oswell made two more trips out to the Merling King to offload provisions" including "several casks of wine", from which Petyr immediately "poured Sansa a cup, as promised").

Kella & The Slattern

What about that "slattern lean[ing] out a window" to greet "some passing… sailors" while "children ran and played"? I submit that she is one of several motifs from Theon's homecoming prefiguring Petyr's servant Kella. I'll explain.
Consider that Petyr's servant Kella has many bastards i.e. children, popping one out every few years:

"I don't know the child. Another of Kella's bastards, I suppose. She pops one out every few years."

We only see one; presumably the others are off somewhere, running and playing, perhaps.
Kella happily greets Petyr as he comes ashore, much as Lordsport's slattern "call[s] out to some passing Ibbenese sailors". Note that the sailors on the Merling King are likewise 'passing' — passing through:

"From here the King turns east for Braavos. Without us."

Consider most of all that Kella's something of a slattern herself: She's "not one for telling them no".

"I can't rightly say, m'lord. I'm not one for telling them no."
"And all the local lads are grateful, I am quite sure."

Indeed, something Lysa says pretty clearly codes Kella as a verbatim "slattern", underlining the recursion:

"How would you like to spend your life on that bleak shore, surrounded by slatterns and sheep pellets?" (ASOS Sansa VII)

So I think the vignette with the slattern and the children in Lordsport pretty plainly prefigures Kella. But I think she's prefigured by two more pieces of Theon's homecoming.

Kella & The Captain's Daughter

Keeping in mind that Kella has a bunch of bastards ("she pops one out every few years) and that she's "not one for telling them no", consider also that she is (a) literally 'with child' — or rather, with a child—

a girl of two or three with a sty on one eye

—that she's (b) "fat"—

"Who fathered this one, Kella?"
The fat woman laughed.

—and that she's (c) coded as a bit stupid:

"Kella minds my vast herds. How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
She had to think a moment. "Three and twenty, m'lord. There was nine and twenty, but Bryen's dogs killed one and we butchered some others and salted down the meat."

All like Theon's "captain's daughter".
The captain's daughter is "plump", as Kella is "fat":

The girl was a shade plump for his taste…

She is likely pregnant with Theon's bastard, a la Kella the bastard-popper.
She tells Theon…

"You can put it in me again, if it please you…"

…and accedes to his request for a blowjob, so she's "not one for telling them no."
She thereby helps Theon 'pop one off', a la Kella "pop[ping] one out".
Like Kella, she seems a bit stupid:

She looked rather stupid when she smiled, but he had never required a woman to be clever.
The stupid girl did not seem to be listening.
She… learned quickly for such a stupid girl….
She looked at him stupidly, so he left her there.

And finally, she offers to work in Theon's castle—

I'd work in your castle, milord.

—just as Kella works for Petyr.

Kella: The Spreading Patch of the Smallest Finger?

Besides the "slattern" and the captain's daughter, I suspect Kella may also riff on — of all things — the "spreading patches" of "lichen" on "wet" Pyke as Theon sails by:

[Pyke was] wet by the same salt waves, festooned with the same spreading patches of dark green lichen, speckled by the droppings of the same seabirds.

Get it? A spreading 'patch'? In combination with "lichen" a la "licking" and Pyke being "wet"? And not just wet, but "wet by… salt waves", when as we know from the captain's daughter, semen tastes "salty", "like the sea". It's like Pyke is being described as a turned-on "slattern" with her legs spread.
A Hoare, we might say.
This connects to Kella, specifically because of her name: Kella is a near anagram for "kale", a dark green plant, like the "dark green lichen".
Actually, the name Kella may have anothere precursor in Theon's story: "Qalen", the maester Theon asks Helya about upon his arrival at Pyke:

"And what of Maester Qalen, where is he?"

Qalen would be pronounced Kalen. Qalen → Kalen → Kale → Kela → Kella. Anyway…

Grisel & The Captain's Daughter

Something similar is going on with Petyr's servant Grisel, the "thin old woman" who was his wet nurse but who "keeps [his] castle now":

"Grisel was my wet nurse, but she keeps my castle now.

Grisel is similarly prefigured by two people from Theon's homecoming, including first the captain's daughter who wants to work in Theon's castle as Grisel works in Petyr's "castle".
Consider first that Grisel, like the captain's daughter, seems slightly stupid (but eager to please), as she fails to grasp Petyr's sarcasm and takes his derisive joke about gulls' eggs and seaweed soup as an order:

"Ah, cold salt mutton. I must be home. When I break my fast on gulls' eggs and seaweed soup, I'll be certain of it."
"If you like, m'lord," said the old woman Grisel.
Lord Petyr made a face.

Then there is the captain daughter's resume:

"I'd work in your castle, milord. I can clean fish and bake bread and churn butter. Father says my peppercrab stew is the best he's ever tasted. You could find me a place in your kitchens and I could make you peppercrab stew."

This surely prefigures what we're told about Grisel making a sea-based soup of her own (i.e. the just mentioned "seaweed soup"), baking bread, and churning butter for Petyr:

Grisel reappeared before he could say more, balancing a large platter. She set it down between them. … The old woman had brought a round of bread as well, and a crock of butter.
Grisel climbed up to the bedchamber to serve the lord and lady a tray of morning bread, with butter, honey, fruit, and cream.

Where Grisel used to be Petyr's wet nurse, Theon suckles the captain daughter's nipple as if she's a wet nurse:

Theon's finger circled one heavy teat, spiraling in toward the fat brown nipple. … He took her nipple in his mouth….
"You can put it in me again, if it please you," she whispered in his ear as he sucked.

And finally, where Theon kisses the captain's daughter on the ear—

[Theon] drew the captain's daughter close and kissed her on her ear.

—Littlefinger kisses Grisel on the cheek:

Oswell and Lothor splashed their way ashore, as did Littlefinger himself. He gave the old woman a kiss on the cheek and grinned at the younger one.

Helya & Grisel (& Gretchel)

Grisel also rhymes with and reworks Helya, who keeps Balon's castle:

A bentback old crone in a shapeless grey dress approached him warily. "M'lord, I am sent to show you to chambers."
"And who are you?"
"Helya, who keeps this castle for your lord father."

Get it? "Helya and Grisel", a la "Hansel and Gretel".
(Gretel is a variant of "Greta". "Grisel" sounds like gristle, whereas in Hansel and Gretel the witch is trying to fatten Hansel up — she don't want no stringy meat! Note the thematic symmetry as well: By treating Hansel kindly and feeding him delicious treats, the witch is essentially "grooming" him for her own benefit/consumption, as Theon and Petyr groom the captain's daughter and Sansa, respectively, for their own benefit. Finally, note that "pebbles" are a key motif in Hansel and Gretel, prefiguring the proliferation of "pebbles" on Pyke, the 'rhyming' "pellets" on Petyr's Finger, and the isle of "Pebble" that leads to Petyr's Finger.)
The two "old" castle keepers neatly invert one another. Consider Grisel's comments about the old rushes and fire in Petyr's tower:

"If we knew you was coming we would have laid down fresh rushes, m'lord," said the crone. "There's a dung fire burning."
"Nothing says home like the smell of burning dung."

That's a recursive reversal of Helya's (lack of) preparation for Theon's visit: Where Grisel has a fire going even though she didn't know Petyr was coming, and where she proactively apologizes for not changing the rushes, telling him "we would have laid down fresh rushes… if we knew you were coming", Helya neither lit a fire nor changed the heavily foregrounded "old and brittle" rushes in the rooms Theon is given—

"I'll have a basin of hot water and a fire in this hearth," he told the crone. "See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill. And gods be good, get someone in here at once to change these rushes."

—despite having ample forewarning of his coming:

It was not as though they had no word of his arrival. Robb had sent ravens from Riverrun, and… Jason Mallister had sent his own birds to Pyke….

The joke is underlined by the introduction of "Gretchel" — Gretel with a borrowed H from Helya/Hansel — who fetches washbasins of water (which, see below), "la[ys] a fire in the hearth" and "tend[s] to the fire", brings food and discusses food storage in Petyr's Eyrie in AFFC Sansa I & Alayne I. (In other words, she 'keeps his castle.')

'Rhyming' Interiors

That's just the beginning of the reversals in the many recursions between Theon's lodgings at Pyke and Sansa's in the Drearfort.
Where Helya leads Theon to his rooms on his orders—

"Show me to my chambers, woman," he commanded. Bowing stiffly, [Helya] led him across the headland to the bridge. …
Whenever he'd imagined his homecoming, he had always pictured himself returning to the snug bedchamber in the Sea Tower, where he'd slept as a child. Instead the old woman led him to the Bloody Keep.

—it's Petyr who leads the way into his tower, casually inviting Grisel (and everyone else) to follow him:

"If you like, m'lord," said the old woman Grisel.
Lord Petyr made a face. "Come, let's see if my hall is as dreary as I recall." He led them up the strand…

Petyr jokes about his hall being "dreary", and perhaps it is, but while it's "small" and "even smaller" within, his tower is also home to his servants, and hence very well lived-in.

Within, the tower seemed even smaller. An open stone stair wound round the inside wall, from undercroft to roof. Each floor was but a single room. The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs. Above that was a modest hall, and higher still the bedchamber.

(Note that the "mastiff", which we see as Petyr leads Grisel in, recalls Helya bowing "stiffly" before leading Theon to his rooms.)
This sharply reverses the situation Theon finds at Pyke, when he's deposited not in a single room shared by a bunch of people who've lived in it forever and warmed by a hearth with a burning fire, a la Sansa, nor in the "snug bedchamber" in the Sea Tower he'd anticipated (which sounds like Littlefinger's little "tower" by the sea), but in the Bloody Keep, in a whole-ass "suite" of large but "chilly", even "cold" rooms with incredibly high ceilings — rooms which haven't even been opened, much less lived-in, for "years", and which are the very definition of "dreary":

The halls here were larger and better furnished, if no less cold nor damp. Theon was given a suite of chilly rooms with ceilings so high that they were lost in gloom. [Omitted but see below.]
[Omitted but see below.] It was not fear of ghosts that made him glance about with distaste. The wall hangings were green with mildew, the mattress musty-smelling and sagging, the rushes old and brittle. Years had come and gone since these chambers had last been opened. The damp went bone deep. "I'll have a basin of hot water and a fire in this hearth," he told the crone. See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill. And gods be good, get someone in here at once to change these rushes."

A ton of the motifs here (including the omitted stuff, which I'll return to) get recycled and reworked in Petyr's tower.
Most obviously, Theon's request for hot water prefigures Sansa's request for a hot bath:

"Might I have a hot bath as well?" asked Sansa.
"I'll have Kella draw some water, m'lady."

Note that Kella fulfills the request, not Grisel. This 'fits', as it's not Helya who brings Theon's water, but "two thralls".
Note also that Sansa requests her bath after thinking…

She desperately needed a bath and a change of clothes.

…whereas Theon changes his clothes immediately after the quoted passages.
Slightly less obviously, the "wall hangings [that] were green with mildew" are reworked by Petyr's own green 'wall hanging': his grandfather's shield, which is painted with a "light green field" and which "hung… above the hearth". The "mildew" is reworked by the fact that the paint is "cracked and flaking" i.e. flawed. And maybe also by the "light green field", since a field grows crops which get milled and which get dewy.

Brittle Bryen's Brigantine, Brindled Mastiff, & Old Blind Dog

As mentioned, the motif of unchanged rushes from Theon's homecoming recurs when Petyr comes home. But Petyr's homecoming also lexically riffs on Theon's rushes being quote-unquote "old and brittle" by giving us Bryen in "brigantine" who is very "old" but not, seemingly, brittle, as he still walks watches, not with his "old blind dog", but with a "brindled mastiff":

"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man. He looked to be at least eighty, but he wore a studded brigantine and a longsword at his side. …
"Bryen—didn't I name you captain of the guard the last time I was here?"
"You did, my lord. You said you'd be getting some more men too, but you never did. Me and the dogs stand all the watches."
Sansa found Bryen's old blind dog in her little alcove beneath the steps…
The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs.

Is the brindled dog a "mastiff" 'only' a wink at Theon going mast-stiff for Asha? (See Part 4.) Maybe. But it's worth mentioning that when Theon is first being stirred by Pyke's banner and it's being battered about like the shield we see in the Drearfort three sentences after the mastiff, it's also (a) flying from a very stiff "mast" and (b) juxtaposed with a very large 'dog' of sorts:

The banner streamed from an iron mast, shivering and twisting as the wind gusted like a bird struggling to take flight. And here at least the direwolf of Stark did not fly above, casting its shadow down upon the Greyjoy kraken.

Musty Old Mattresses

The old, "musty-smelling and sagging" mattress (in the chamber that has just been re-opened after long periods of being closed and uninhabited) from Theon's homecoming is answered in Petyr's homecomiong by Lysa, who arrives a few pages later in the chapter, eager to finally have sex again with Petyr. "Mattress" is slang for a sexually available woman (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mattress) and Lysa sags—

Lady Lysa was two years younger than Mother, but this woman looked ten years older. Thick auburn tresses fell down past her waist, but beneath the costly velvet gown and jeweled bodice her body sagged and bulged.

—and smells stale. (Note that Lysa is on a mattress here.)

Her aunt was drenched in sweet scent, though under that was a sour milky smell. Her cheek tasted of paint and powder.

Lysa's "cheek tast[ing] of paint and powder" riffs on the line about Theon's "distaste" and "fear of ghosts":

It was not fear of ghosts that made him glance about with distaste.

The distaste wordplay is obvious: Lysa tastes bad. As for the "fear of ghosts", Lysa (whom Sansa fears) being covered in "powder" reminds us of Sansa being afraid of a "spirit" covered in powdery flour:

When the spirit stepped out of the open tomb, pale white and moaning for blood, Sansa ran shrieking for the stairs…. Arya stood her ground and gave the spirit a punch. It was only Jon, covered with flour. (AGOT Arya IV)

This line—

The halls here were larger and better furnished, if no less cold nor damp.

—is reworked by Lysa as well, who is big and well-dressed ("better furnished", so to speak)—

[B]eneath the costly velvet gown and jeweled bodice her body sagged and bulged. Her face was pink and painted, her breasts heavy, her limbs thick. She was taller than Littlefinger, and heavier; nor did she show any grace in the clumsy way she climbed down off her horse.

—but cold to Sansa and horny/wet/"damp" for Petyr.
Given that Theon's rooms are in several ways like Lysa (newly 'open for business' after a long period of being closed and untouched by men, etc.), and pronouncing aunt like antler, we also might say that where the Lysa-like rooms are "cold" and "damp", Lysa herself is Sansa's "cold" aunt. Rhyming 'rhyming'.
That "years had come and gone since" the room with the Lysa-like mattress "had last been opened" is reworked not just by Lysa getting laid, but textually when Sansa is told Lysa is coming to the Drearfort (where she is 're-opened', so to speak):

It had been years since Sansa last saw her mother's sister…"

I wonder whether Lysa crying and speaking to Sansa of being "bound by blood" to her—

Tears welled suddenly in Lady Lysa's eyes. "We are women alone now, you and I. Are you afraid, child? Be brave. I would never turn away Cat's daughter. We are bound by blood."

—might not be in part a play on the fact that "the damp went bone deep" in the Bloody Keep. By saying that, Sansa's damp (i.e. crying) aunt "went bone deep", so to speak. (If you're "bound by blood" to someone, you have a "bone deep" bond with them. Also, bone → bound wordplay?)

Braziers → Bracing?

Did Theon's attempt to drive away "the chill" and damp of the salty sea air of Pyke using "braziers"—

See that they light braziers in the other rooms to drive out some of the chill.

—inform (via wordplay: braziers → bracing) Petyr's line when the Merling King pulls up to the Drearfort?

Lord Petyr came up beside her, cheerful as ever. "Good morrow. The salt air is bracing, don't you think? It always sharpens my appetite."

And/or is that "sharpening" motif a recursion of Theon sharpening his dirk immediately after said braziers are lit?

After some time, they brought the hot water he had asked for. … While two thralls lit his braziers, Theon stripped off his travel-stained clothing and dressed to meet his father. … He hung a dirk at one hip and a longsword at the other…. Drawing the dirk, he … pulled a whetstone from his belt pouch, and gave it a few licks. He prided himself on keeping his weapons sharp.

Gods Be Good!

The motifs of Theon yelling "gods be good" at his servant and of "ceilings so high that they were lost in gloom" are recursively reworked when Lysa summons Sansa (like a servant) to speak with her the morning after she weds Petyr. Sansa responds to the summons by thinking, verbatim, "gods be good", and is then told they'll be heading to the Eyrie, which we know is "so high you can stand on the parapets and look down on the clouds", i.e. it has parapets 'so high that they were lost in the clouds':

Lady Lysa was still abed [like a good mattress!], but Lord Petyr was up and dressed. "Your aunt wishes to speak with you," he told Sansa, as he pulled on a boot. "I've told her who you are."
Gods be good. "I . . . I thank you, my lord."
Petyr yanked on the other boot. "I've had about as much home as I can stomach. We'll leave for the Eyrie this afternoon."
Seven towers, Ned had told her, like white daggers thrust into the belly of the sky, so high you can stand on the parapets and look down on the clouds. (AGOT Catelyn VI)

The notion of a "ceiling" so high it is lost in gloom is perhaps also reworked by the story Lysa tells Sansa about Petyr's "rise" to power: She says she "always knew how high [Petyr would] rise", and it's my belief that said rise has likely seen him 'lost', spiritually, in 'darkness'. (Note that ceilings are a frequently invoked metaphor when talking about climbing the corporate ladder.)

"Half his teeth were gone, and his breath smelled like bad cheese. I cannot abide a man with foul breath. Petyr's breath is always fresh . . . he was the first man I ever kissed, you know. My father said he was too lowborn, but I knew how high he'd rise. Jon gave him the customs for Gulltown to please me, but when he increased the incomes tenfold my lord husband saw how clever he was and gave him other appointments, even brought him to King's Landing to be master of coin. That was hard, to see him every day and still be wed to that old cold man.

(Recall that the motif of bad/fresh breath there reworks the "winey stench of the old man's [Sylas Sourmouth's] breath", which Theon thinks about roughly ¼ page prior to being shown his suite in the Bloody Keep.)

Butchered Sons & Brothers

Lysa continues to rant:

"Jon did his duty in the bedchamber, but he could no more give me pleasure than he could give me children. His seed was old and weak. All my babies died but Robert, three girls and two boys. All my sweet little babies dead, and that old man just went on and on with his stinking breath. So you see, I have suffered too." Lady Lysa sniffed. "You do know that your poor mother is dead?"
"Tyrion told me," said Sansa. "He said the Freys murdered her at The Twins, with Robb."

Those references to (a) a bunch of dead "babies", including two brothers, one of which was "murdered" when Lysa's father, Hoster Tully, who ruled the Riverlands, betrayed Lysa's trust; and to (b) foul smelling breath, a la Sylas, and finally to (c) the Red Wedding — a bloody betrayal of Sansa's brother, who was King of the Riverlands — particularly (per Sansa saying "Tyrion told me") as it's described by Tyrion—

Sansa did not need to hear how her brother's body had been hacked and mutilated, he decided; nor how her mother's corpse had been dumped naked into the Green Fork in a savage mockery of House Tully's funeral customs. (ASOS Tyrion VII)

—are one of the ways ASOS Sansa VI rejiggers the part of Theon's description of his Bloody Keep suite I "[omitted]" earlier, which entails betrayals, murdered brothers, a River King, slaughter, and bodies "hacked to bits".

[Theon] might have been more impressed if he had not known that these were the very chambers that had given the Bloody Keep its name. A thousand years before, the sons of the River King had been slaughtered here, hacked to bits in their beds so that pieces of their bodies might be sent back to their father on the mainland.
But Greyjoys were not murdered in Pyke except once in a great while by their brothers, and his brothers were both dead.

Lysa's speech with its reference to her abortion and to the Red Wedding (and to stink-breath like Sylas's) isn't the only (or even the main) way Petyr's homecoming chapter refracts those images from Theon's homecoming, though.
Littlefinger is himself a kind of River King (as Lord Paramount of the Trident), right? And note that we read all about his "slaughtered" "sons" just before he enters the tower, wherein we then see the foul betrayers who murdered their 'brothers'. I'm talking, of course, about his sheep and his sheepdogs:

"How many sheep do I have at present, Kella?"
… "Three and twenty, m'lord. There was nine and twenty, but Bryen's dogs killed one and we butchered some others and salted down the meat."
"Ah, cold salt mutton. I must be home.…" … "Come, let's see if my hall is as dreary as I recall." … A handful of sheep were wandering about the base of the flint tower…. …
Within, the tower seemed even smaller. An open stone stair wound round the inside wall, from undercroft to roof. Each floor was but a single room. The servants lived and slept in the kitchen at ground level, sharing the space with a huge brindled mastiff and a half-dozen sheep-dogs.

Note the kitchen, recalling that the Bloody Keep is paired with the Kitchen Keep as Theon first gazes on Pyke:

Farther out were the Kitchen Keep and the Bloody Keep, each on its own island.

Note, too, that the sheep are coded as Petyr's "sons", in a way (a la the "slaughtered… sons of the River King" Theon remembers in his Bloody Tower rooms), and not just because he owns them. He says that Kella has lots of bastards and that she minds his sheep, right? And what else does he say of Kella, in jest? That she 'is' the "mother" of his "daughter," "Alayne Stone":

"Alayne . . . Stone, would it be?" When he nodded, she said, "But who is my mother?"
"Kella?"
"Please no," she said, mortified.
"I was teasing.

The joke foregrounds the notion of Petyr as the father of Kella's children. And while she supposedly has a bunch of bastards, we don't see them. We just see the one girl with the livestock-evoking eye with a sty. It's almost like the sheep she looks after are her children. And thus like Petyr is their father.
(Note the word "mortified". This points straight back to Theon in his Bloody Tower for two reasons: First, greyscale, which mortifies the flesh, killed Balon's brother Harlon, who died "in a windowless tower room" at Pyke. Second: Theon will, in his next chapter, be truly mortified by the realization that "Esgred" is his sister Asha, where that masquerade in turn prefigures Sansa masquerading as Alayne.)
So the "cold" Bloody Keep with its partner the Kitchen Keep and its story of a "slaughter", betrayal, brother killing brother, a River King's sons' bodies "hacked to bits in their beds" — all these motifs are reworked by Kella's account of one of Lord Paramount Petyr's sheep-'sons' being killed by its lexicial 'brothers', the very "sheep-dogs" who were supposed to guard it, and of other sheep-'sons' being verbatim "butchered", i.e. slaughtered on a killing bed and in the process surely hacked into pieces that were then preserved against spoilage for future consumption, such that the resulting "cold salt mutton" could be used as travel rations. Which jibes with Theon's language, creatively interpreted:

[T]he sons of the River King had been slaughtered here, hacked to bits in their beds so that pieces of their bodies might be sent back to their father on the mainland.

(They were slaughtered and hacked to bits only so as to properly preserve them against spoilage during their upcoming journey "back to their father on the mainland", you see!)

Theon's Honor Guard

The conditions in Theon's rooms are consistent with the cold welcome he receives, both from Aeron—

The priest's manner was chilly, most unlike the man Theon remembered.

—and Balon—

Theon pulled off his gloves. "… Why is my father not here to greet me?"
"He awaits you in the Sea Tower, m'lord. When you are rested from your trip."
And I thought Ned Stark cold.

—and they're thus part of a broad yin/yang 'rhyme' with Petyr's initial homecoming, which is warm and welcoming and full of familiar faces, whereas Theon knows no one, such that he thinks:

It is as if I were a stranger here….

The reversal is wryly underlined when Petyr is greeted at the shore by his "captain of the guards", Bryen:

"It is good to have you home, my lord," said one old man.

Thus Petyr ironically gets the "honor guard" welcome Theon hoped he'd get on his arrival 'home':

[Theon] saw… no honor guard waiting to escort him from Lordsport to Pyke, only smallfolk going about their small business.

Notice that where no one stops what they're doing for Theon, everyone stops when Petyr arrives. And of course, everyone in his household recognizes him, whereas no one recognizes Theon. Which is telling, because in a deep sense, that's all Theon really wants, deep down: a little recognition.
Littlefinger has it… but it's not enough.

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Trip report

Aeron & Oswell

Drawn Up Hoods

Gangplank → Gangling.

Kneeling Servants

Blessings

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 1

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 2

Dagmer Cleftjaw → Lothor Brune

That Splintery Ladder Again & Lothor's Hand Up

The End, and The Distinct Possibility That The Rhyme Between Petyr's and Theon's Homecomings Isn't (Just) About Petyr Being Hoare-ish, After All

The Mockingbird & The Cuckolding Cowbird

The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo

CONTINUED & CONCLUDED IN OLDEST REPLY, BELOW or HERE

Aeron & Oswell

Drawn Up Hoods

Gangplank → Gangling.

Kneeling Servants

Blessings

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 1

Getting Wet & Staying Dry 2

Dagmer Cleftjaw → Lothor Brune

That Splintery Ladder Again & Lothor's Hand Up

The End, and The Distinct Possibility That The Rhyme Between Petyr's and Theon's Homecomings Isn't (Just) About Petyr Being Hoare-ish, After All

The Mockingbird & The Cuckolding Cowbird

The Mocking Bird Went Cuckoo

CONTINUED & CONCLUDED IN OLDEST REPLY, BELOW or HERE

30 Years Of Jamiroquai All Of The Remixes/B-Sides Series Part #1 Post Series Link Summary!

Emergency On Planet Earth Album Era (1992-1993)

The Return Of The Space Cowboy Album Era (1994-1996)

Travelling Without Moving Album Era (1996-1997)

Synkronized Album Era (1998-1999)

Bonus Section: Single By Single LineaSong Notes:

WHEN YOU GONNA LEARN (1992-1993):

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TOO YOUNG TO DIE (1993):

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BLOW YOUR MIND (1993):

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EMERGENCY ON PLANET EARTH (1993):

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SPACE COWBOY (1994):

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HALF THE MAN (1994):

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LIGHT YEARS (1994-1995):

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STILLNESS IN TIME (1995):

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VIRTUAL INSANITY (1996):

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COSMIC GIRL (1996-1997):

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ALRIGHT (1997):

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HIGH TIMES (1997):

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DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM? (1996):

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CANNED HEAT (1999):

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BLACK CAPRICORN DAY (1999-2000):

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SUPERSONIC (1999):

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