I’ve been trying to find a male massage therapist and haven’t found anyone yet. Any recommendations or should I look outside of Greeley?

Hey everyone, I have not yet officially been diagnosed since my last UA test wasn’t super high, 6.1, so I’m not on ant meds. I wanted to know what you do to ease pain and more importantly stiffness during a flare up. I find while the pain sucks I can tolerate it ok, but I hate how stiff my toe gets and I just can’t move like I used to. Walking in sand actually helps a lot so I’m guessing I need to do some stretching and massage maybe to help. Any other ideas or YouTube videos that might help would be great. I’ve seen a PT and try to do the stuff she gave me everyday as well.

In search of a massage therapist who actually listens to the areas I need to get hit. Some days I need an area focused on neck and shoulders and others my legs. Seems like most places go through a routine and do full body instead of specific areas. Thanks in advance.

Of course the title says it all. My WH and I are taking a little "getaway"
Dday was Oct 2021 and things have recently moved into the "we're going to be ok" category. We started EFT a month or so ago and it's been a game changer (unfortunately, I Bawled nonstop for a week during "non-lady-days" meaning it wasn't just hormonal junk but it was so "cleansing" I guess I'd say)
I feel strong again, I feel safe in our relationship and R, I feel ready to move on... BUT, I THINK I've been here before....
I asked if we can NOT discuss the A while we're gone. We want to lounge by the pool, have massages scheduled a few nice dinners........ and drinks (something we DON'T usually do)
I guess im just asking for support and good wishes while we're gone. It's been a minute since we've done "just us" and I'm a little scared, nervous and excited.
Time to put "her" behind us.....

I feel conflicted. I’ve been in a year and a half relationship with a younger man and we were very close. We spent all our free time together, we texted all the time. The abuse started in the beginning of the relationship because he didn’t like that I would text about how I felt all the time and expect him to make me feel better. I realize now that can be considered abuse. He would blow up and say the worst of the worst kinds of things. He has tendencies to be extremely combative all the time and that’s just how he functions. Everything is an argument down to the smallest conversations about random things that aren’t even about our life.
Anyway, he knew that talking like that was not ok. The seriously abusive talk. He cooled his jets for a while. We would still get in big arguments maybe once a month until his dad died and then he just started to provoke arguments again. His thing to tell me was that I was controlling, manipulating and using him. The last argument we got into was because I woke and asked him if he could please go to the store to get english muffins without me and he said “no you need to get up and get out in the sun” I got huffy and bratty and said “ I always go to the store without you, what is wrong with you going this once without me”
Well this triggered him and he freaked out. We were in the car and I saw him elevating so I quickly tried to calm him down but it was too late. He started freaking out. Screaming at the top of his lungs, spitting everywhere while he screamed and his eyes were popping out. Telling me I’m controlling him and talking about how all weekend I controlled him even though we did everything we planned together and everything I knew he wanted to do. I tried to bear hug him to calm him down it’s worked before and he was just screaming for me to get off of him he pushed me so hard on my throat that I accidentally tore his shirt and he blamed me for it. He told me I belong in prison, called me old, ugly,fat b word, trash..that my entire family is trash.. as super personal derogatory things that I don’t want to repeat. Then hit me in the face super hard with his shirt. I tried to talk to him more but I knew he would not calm down unless I cut things off completely by that time he had left. He has manipulated me and told me he would never talk to me again if I hung up and manipulated the conversation for literally 8 hours on the phone of him yelling at me blaming me, telling me I’m manipulative. This has happened several times. We had entire days of arguing because he wouldn’t drop it. I’m always pleading with him to calm down, intermittent of me yelling too, I’ll be honest.
This was three days ago. He texted me. I hope you have a good day at work I’m sorry for my behavior and how I treated you.. I sent him a text hours later saying that I needed time and space to reflect and focus on work and personal things. He never responded. Like I said it’s been three days without a response to my “I need space”.
Tonight I’m going to a therapist so I’m going to ask her the same thing. Is it ok to just leave it at that and never talk to him again? I have a few things at his house but I don’t feel safe around him. It sucks because a couple of the things are sentimental and one is a dress I just bought but it was only 70 dollars.
The entire relationship wasn’t like this. It was just when he got mad he was very unpredictable. Either way I’m afraid of being emotionally abused or physically hurt if we get into it again. Btw he’s a 220 lb body builder. He’s in his mid twenties. I’m 140 lb 40 years old.
Believe me, I know it was a mistake getting in this relationship. Never again. It started out just for fun but it evolved and we actually loved each other. It was just a whirlwind of a volatile relationship.
I just want to know what to do in this situation. I don’t know if it’s okay to leave it at the last text I sent and never talk to them again.

First time posting, the title says why. I have a small amount of close friends, and I like it that way. I have a hard time maintaining a lot of friendships at once. The fact that I have a small amount may be my downfall though, because right now it truly feels like I am so much more invested in them than they are in me. I love my friends dearly and I think about them all the time, I ask how they’re doing and I want to spend time with them and be there for them. It genuinely brings me joy to be able to support people. I thought that I would be fine with the friendships being a little lopsided but I feel really lonely right now. It has become clear that I am not on their minds in the same way. Two are so caught up in their own struggles that it feels rude to even ask them to be there for me, so I can’t hold it against them. One has shown that despite good intentions, his actions are motivated by self-interest. One is lovely and genuine but is long-distance and busy with other responsibilities and friends. I have one person I can rely on for anything, and I am so grateful for that. But it’s not fair to only rely on one person because I can’t make them be my only lifeline. That’s too much pressure and I would hate to take advantage of their endless generosity. I’ve been trying to get a therapist but it’s difficult to find providers that take my insurance. I’ve run scenarios over and over in my head wondering if I’m the common denominator, if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m behaving in a way that is harmful or hard to be around. At this point all I can think is that I’m just not their closest friends while they’re mine. Or in a different case, where I am a priority, this person will come to me with their problems (which I don’t mind, I want to help) but when I need some comfort or support they just can’t. All this is to say that my problems seem to pale in comparison to what my friends are experiencing and I don’t think I’m interesting enough to have them fully invested in the same way I am. I have difficulty making new friends and the idea of going through the motions just to have someone lose interest again is painful. I don’t have any resentment towards these people, I love them and I always want the best for them. It just sucks to feel like I think about them more than they think about me. Sometimes I just really need for someone to tell me that it’s going to be ok.
(And I absolutely treasure that person who’s always there for me, I just don’t want to burden them with being the only person I rely on)

Hi,
First time posting here (34M) but I thought maybe some of you might be able to help me understand my experience. Part of me feels bad, what I went throught was nowhere near as difficult or long lasting as many others here, but the fact is it's still having a big impact on me nearly three years on.
Things that happened earlier on in my life meant that I wasn't really in a position for a relationship until my mid-late 20s, and didn't start actively looking and (online) dating until then. I met some great people, many of whom are still friends, and a couple of them became a thing for a little while. But for some reason I mostly couldn't feel it. Waiting to see whether feelings would develop felt uncomfortably like leading on, so I tended not to. But as time went on I increasingly doubted my judgement. Was I too picky, or did I have commitment issues? Is a connection something you build rather than find? Would what felt “right” to me even make me happy? So when a mutual friend told me a woman who'd joined in my hiking group was into me, I was open to seeing where things could go. We weren't super close but she seemed nice, my friends thought she was great, and we got on well and had a lot of interests in common.
It started ok. It was nice to spend time outside together and share the active things we both loved, as well as more low key stuff like just cooking and hanging out together. I tried to resist the instinct to put the brakes on as I'd done previously, and though I still did somewhat, things went much quicker than I was used to and it took some adjustment. She was very keen to tell everyone about us straight away, whereas I wanted to keep things quiet while we were seeing where things were going. I won't pretend I didn't have some doubts. She told me she loved me about two weeks in which I was a little taken aback by, and I did see a different side to her when I met her family that I wasn't sure I liked (she seemed inconsiderate and entitled). But I hadn't seen that before, excused it as family dynamics, and tried to silence the doubts that I'd reasoned had held me back in the past.
I was comfortable with where things were for a while and content taking it a day at a time. But when lockdown loomed she asked whether she could stay with me. We were about four months in at this point and I said it was too much too soon for me. I was also worried about my vulnerable flatmate, and was in fact looking to temporarily move out myself at the time. She was disappointed, but understood. But when lockdown was announced she turned up at my doorstep in tears, and said her parents had kicked her out 😕 Of course I was upset and sympathetic, and said she could stay.
It was very strange, and I found it difficult. But it was a strange and difficult time anyway, and it was only going to be for a few weeks. Neither of us chose this, so I figured we'd just make the best of it. But the lockdowns kept rolling, and eventually I got used to the unease.
There were things I enjoyed. It was nice going for walks, growing vegetables, inspiring each other to cook interesting things, having little holidays when we could. And to just share the practical day to day things and take up each other's slack. But it was very intense. It's not a big flat and we were both working from home most of the time. I really struggled not being able to have more than a few minutes to myself a day, or my own space to retreat to. She's a very "type A" person and always needed to be doing something, and was restless and irritable if she wasn't or had to spend time in her own company. I found myself on edge most of the time.
It began to bother me that the connection still only felt superficial despite spending so much time together. It was the closest to a "normal" relationship I've had and we did all the couply things, but it felt like going through the motions. Conversation never went beyond small talk. I didn't feel understood or safe opening up to her, and felt lonely and cut off. I didn't like the sense of entitlement with which she treated my housemate or my friends, and how she talked about her family and colleagues. Close friends were concerned and said they sensed a change in me, but I couldn't see it. I've read the messages back since and it's painful how right they were and how in denial I was. But at the time it just added pressure and I blocked it out and dug my heels in. I didn't like how we became one entity, all my things became "our" things, including my possessions, opinions, values, friends and memories.
But despite all that I still doubted and second guessed myself, and made excuses for her. I think I always knew that living with a partner would take some getting used to and perhaps some compromises, so attributed a lot of it to that. It was hard to maintain perspective when I hardly ever saw anyone else. And I still saw the lockdown as a finite thing. Weirdly after a while I did suddenly feel a lot more at ease with it all, almost overnight. I now recognise that as the start of a sort of shutdown. My memory is a bit hazy for the few months after that, but it was taking a toll on me physically. I wasn't sleeping and ended up folding the sofa bed out many nights to have my own space. I tried to carry on working but mostly just went back to my bed to doze during the day. I lost so much weight. I had a bit of a wake up call after I managed a few days away on my own - it was the first time apart in six months of living together and cleared my head a little. So when I got back to find that she'd put her own bedsheets on, put her pictures up, and just made the place feel different, I was able to recognise how absurd it all was.
It took me a couple more weeks to put things in place and pluck up the courage before telling her I wanted to talk about living together, because it wasn't working for me. I was worried about how she might react, and it went spectacularly badly. She left and told me not to contact her until I'd made up my mind, then pressured me to make a decision. I wasn't really able to think and headspace is all I was asking for at the time, but her reaction made it simple. It ended after just under a year together.
It was an immediate relief, but I was still a wreck for months afterwards. It took me a very long time to feel relaxed at home and in my own bed again, it's still not quite the same. I think the depression came as I began to get on top of my physical health had the capacity to take stock of things about six months later. And when accidentally stumbling across a picture of her nearly a year later triggered another breakdown I realised it was maybe a bigger deal than I'd thought. We hadn't really had any contact, but that prompted me to go full block/ delete.
In hindsight it never really felt like a relationship, we never had the fundamentals of trust and communication down. I'm very much to blame, I downplayed how I was feeling because I was doubting myself and worried how she'd react, and making things easy when there seemed to be no other option made sense at the time. I did set boundaries but didn't do a good enough job of defending them, I've never had to before and it caught me off guard. And in the moment it was a textbook "boiling frog" scenario. I was surprised she didn't sense anything amiss, but I don't think she was ever actually that interested in me. I just think she liked having a boyfriend because it fit her life plan (she talked about buying a house together from early on), and seemed annoyed at me for disrupting that more than anything. She found someone else pretty soon after.
On reflection, I don't believe she was kicked out. I remember her mum asking me to "take good care of her" a few days before she moved in, and was a bit perplexed by that, but didn't think any more of it at the time. She told mutual friends that I'd invited her to move in. In hindsight, she was often able to turn the tears on and off very abruptly. I'd believed that moving back in with her parents wasn't an option for her, but things didn't add up.
It bothers me how much it's all still on my mind 😕 And that even the mention of her can elicit such a strong reaction years on. I can't believe it's been that long, it doesn't seem like it, but it feels like I'm still strangely trapped by it. I know other people go through much worse for much longer. I have wondered whether moving out would help, but rent is so expensive elsewhere. I've spent a couple of thousand on therapy over the last year and in some ways the therapy has helped, in others it's made it harder because it's validated things and I can see it with more clarity.
I sure it would've been easier to move on if she wasn't so wrapped up with my friends and social life. The hiking group really meant a lot to me, it was the most accepted I've felt, gave me a lot of things I hadn't had before and allowed me to draw a line under what had happened in the past. It felt like life had finally got going for me. Now it feels less like turning a corner and more like a bittersweet memory of a fun few years. I haven't ruled out going back, I'm just trying to work out what's best for me. Losing it has been painful and maybe having it back in my life would help with closure. I've put a lot of effort ito finding new ways to meet people in the years since, but nothing's really worked. I suspect I won't know until I try, but it feels like a big risk.
Thanks so much if you read all that, I'm sorry it was so long and self-pitying 😕 I try to be stoic about it, think of what I learned, and know that there were good times. I don't want to just frame myself as a victim either, I'm responsible too and hurt her (and myself) by not being more open about my reservations and struggles. But I can see why did, and I was honestly trying to make a go of it for a while. As I say this is still on my mind much more than I'd like, and I'd be super grateful if anyone has any thoughts. In particular I'm wondering.

• Since the relationship I've become aware of narcissism and have been able to identify a lot of traits (with the help of friends and my therapist). A couple of people have also told me it sounds abusive. To be honest I'm not sure, she was selfish and inconsiderate but I don't think she was malicious. But how I'm feeling might suggest otherwise. Any thoughts?
• Would it be madness to go back to the group and (very likely) see her again? I would have to make it clear beforehand that I want minimal contact but I still worry about how I'd react seeing her in person. Stumbling across a photo propted a breakdown in the past, and until recently I'd flinch everytime I saw a car that looked like hers.
• I think I've only recently realised that I'll have to accept not having some form of closure. Which is progress, but is leaving me feeling a little lost. Have you found a way to cope with the sense of injustice?

Thanks so much again for reading! It's nice just to share. Good luck to everyone.

Hey folks, I have been battling multiple health problems.
For the past 5 years I lived in a condo with black mold - I was unaware until recently. In a way, it’s been very relieving - because now I know why I’ve been going slightly crazy or why I have no energy…on the other hand, I just want to feel better. I had a stabbing chest pain for years that I prayed to tears to God about - since moving out, this pain has subsided - but some symptoms, like fatigue, have seemingly gotten worse (as my body filters the mold out of my blood).
I was on the path to losing weight, boxing multiple times a week - started losing weight, feeling better, etc., and I pushed myself too hard and hurt my rotator cuff in my right arm - this was 2 months ago. It hasn’t healed and it still hurts daily and I know something is wrong. I, even, had a shard of glass in my foot twice that discouraged me from exercise - finally a podiatrist could get it removed. I probably need to see a physical therapist but that adds up quick.
Somehow, I hurt my right ear and there’s pressure build up - it hurts and rings constantly. I’ve been to an audiologist and an ENT - confirmed minor hearing loss - both were hand wavy and said it looks fine so it must be ok. I can get an MRI though. It hurts, quite, badly at times and it’s constantly ringing. This is an annoyance - but it’s affecting my sleep.
I will have health insurance again in 20 days. I know, God is real and good - Jesus has saved me and I am born again. I know, his many promises for me and I have faith that He is in control.
God has provided me with financial miracles lately (I didn’t go broke, found a job, etc.) - but my health is seemingly constantly getting worse.
I’m asking for prayer because every single time my health improves something else pops up - I’m only 28. I’m asking because I believe “The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” Thank you and God bless.

hello i'm new to reddit + to the best of my knowledge there isn't a more suitable place to post this so! i hope i'm not posting to the wrong place but if i am please redirect me to where i should :] thank you in advance & i apologize in advance for the long post!
to preface this i should mention i had surgery ~five years ago. i had an infection (osteomyelitis) in my left leg so the scar from surgery spans from my thigh to my calf. i've had limited mobility w/ my leg ever since (it bends to around 100 degrees now i think).
i had physical therapy in the hospital after surgery, & once i got out (atp i could get in/out of a car from a wheelchair + walk a decent distance w/ a walker), i had p.t. weekly until quarantine hit. i've since regained my ability to do daily activities (walk, run, etc) in the meantime, i went to the athletic trainer's room on schooldays (i'm a student athlete) for exercises to improve my mobility. i can't access this anymore as school's out now & summer practice isn't for another month.
during quarantine, i was cleared from more appointments w/ those in charge of my condition during surgery + recovery, excluding my physical therapist but including the surgeon. i haven't returned to p.t. since & am only just working on getting back to it

mobility Qs

a) whenever i bend my knee, you can hear sounds of (& i can feel) my kneecap, i guess, grinding against the bone. is this a normal experience? & if, when i (hopefully) regain most of my mobility back again, will i still hear / feel this?
*if anyone's curious, for,,,, whatever reason idk, here's a vocaroo link (both) (in, out) of what bending my knee sounds like (idk why it sounds like that either, it sounds crunchier there than it does irl)
b) how long did it take for you to regain your (full, or as far as you could get (& if the latter, how far)) mobility? do you have any stretches you can do at home to recommend?
c) is it hard for you to 'recover' from being in one position for a while? after bending my knee to its limit, i usually have to 'take it slow' when straightening out. will this ever get better? or will there always be a 'wait time'? does your knee also ever start feeling 'heavy' or stiff after being in the same position for a while?

etc Qs

a) has anyone lost / damaged their nerves after surgery? how long did it take to recover?
i don't remember if it was like this immediately after, but there's a layer of skin (i can feel deeper in) above my knee that's desensitized + i asked my athletic trainer about it & did not get a straight answer,,, i think he said i might get it back in a couple years? however i'm not completely sure so i'd love to hear other experiences
b) do you also feel stiffness around your knee sometimes?
for me, it feels like a heavy weight. i hesitate to only categorize it as numbing, or stiffness or as a dull pain, or as something paralyzing, bc it feels like all. it gets worse when i tense my knee. i have this instinctive feeling that this is it wanting to bend fully but obviously i can't,,, do that. < if you do feel this, how do you relieve it? >
c) are you active in anything? how do you deal w/ it? how do you avoid blaming / getting mad at your knee for not being 'normal'?
i'm in water polo, trying to get involved in dance, & quit swim. my experiences w/ sports became negative after surgery. (i found an entire swim stroke was out of the question for me. my limited mobility meant my ex-coach brushed over a foundation of water polo w/me.) so i'm not having high hopes for dance (despite how much i'd like to do it) bc of my lack of mobility how do you get through such doubts, feelings of making trouble for your instructor, & feelings of burden?
d) do you experience pain on your knee that did not go through surgery? my athletic trainer mentioned the pain i feel occasionally when bending my right knee is bc it's compensating for my left one, but it's a new development (which he didn't have an answer as to why, as far as i recall)
e) anything recommended for easing scar tissue? i was told to massage it using lotion, going down the scar, but i'd like to hear if there's anything else i can try
f) how do you deal w/ the mental aspect? it really sucks not being able to do things i could've done prior at all, or normally, like some moves in dance , or even just comfortably sitting w/ my legs crossed. how do you deal w/ the envy of it all? of having activities taken away from you?
​
again, i apologise for the long post! i've been deprived of even a single person to share my experiences with / ask these sorts of questions to, so please bear with me;;

I wanted to be stoic about this. I've adopted the philosophy that "oh well when you find out what's causing it you'll have so much more confidence having experienced all this."
Just live a little. C'mon, you can't just stop living.
The shit I have to endure on a daily basis with room spreading bad breath that persists even when my mouth is closed is pissing me off to no end, and it's only been a year.
The 2 hour plane ride the day after I started getting very visceral reactions for the first time was one of the worst experiences in my life, and now I am expected to subject fellow travelers to a 9 hour one back and forth and switch two flights alongside the bus rides?
How the fuck do you people manage the mental toll?
What happens when you have to travel in an enclosed heap of metal (and people just vomit and rub their god forsaken noses and cough and laugh, gaslight and resent you) until you continually feel like a piece of waste for even existing for something you cannot identify the cause for?
But hey, don't you love your family? What if they thought you didn't want to see them? You sound anxious, maybe a therapist could help you unpack what you seemingly project onto others?
Everyone (even those few who understand my situation) are telling me following through with my trip is the way to go because my family would want to see me regardless.
I want to see them badly too, but subjecting them to this is assuredly not the terms I wanted for them.
In my presence, they'll barely be able to focus on anything, let alone eat or sleep properly. Scattering around looking for new ways to mask the scent or even get a moment's respite. It's hell for everyone and that's the worst part.
This is what happens to everyone in my immediate proximity.
Is that a way for them to spend their time off?
I've been to a dentist, they just said ah well your oral hygiene hasn't been the best and you have beginning stages of cavities in a few teeth that may need a root canal in the future if you don't get periodic check-ups every six months, could be a bacterial imbalance.
Ok so I try probiotics, seemingly doesn't make a difference based on the persisting reactions.
Then I see an ENT and besides them opening up every window in the place and wearing a mask throughout told me that I did not have any sinus infections, tonsil stones or nasal polyps. This was valuable information but from here on out I'm a bit stuck.
I guess either it's gut related (have a 10 year history of acid reflux and one prior instance of h. plyori 2 years ago) or the dentists missed something with my teeth. That's what I got atm
While I'm hopeful that AI may speed up progression in the medical field to help people like us, this whole "seeing my family who doesn't know" bit really irks me.
Has anyone had to deal with similar travel conundrums or do you have any inputs at all? I'll take literally anything from people who can relate at this point.
I frankly just needed to vent so if you read this far I appreciate you and admire your resilience, fellow struggler

I feel conflicted. I’ve been in a year and a half relationship with a younger man and we were very close. We spent all our free time together, we texted all the time. The abuse started in the beginning of the relationship because he didn’t like that I would text about how I felt all the time and expect him to make me feel better. I realize now that can be considered abuse. He would blow up and say the worst of the worst kinds of things. He has tendencies to be extremely combative all the time and that’s just how he functions. Everything is an argument down to the smallest conversations about random things that aren’t even about our life.
Anyway, he knew that talking like that was not ok. The seriously abusive talk. He cooled his jets for a while. We would still get in big arguments maybe once a month until his dad died and then he just started to provoke arguments again. His thing to tell me was that I was controlling, manipulating and using him. The last argument we got into was because I woke and asked him if he could please go to the store to get english muffins without me and he said “no you need to get up and get out in the sun” I got huffy and bratty and said “ I always go to the store without you, what is wrong with you going this once without me”
Well this triggered him and he freaked out. We were in the car and I saw him elevating so I quickly tried to calm him down but it was too late. He started freaking out. Screaming at the top of his lungs, spitting everywhere while he screamed and his eyes were popping out. Telling me I’m controlling him and talking about how all weekend I controlled him even though we did everything we planned together and everything I knew he wanted to do. I tried to bear hug him to calm him down it’s worked before and he was just screaming for me to get off of him he pushed me so hard on my throat that I accidentally tore his shirt and he blamed me for it. He told me I belong in prison, called me old, ugly,fat b word, trash..that my entire family is trash.. as super personal derogatory things that I don’t want to repeat. Then hit me in the face super hard with his shirt. I tried to talk to him more but I knew he would not calm down unless I cut things off completely by that time he had left. He has manipulated me and told me he would never talk to me again if I hung up and manipulated the conversation for literally 8 hours on the phone of him yelling at me blaming me, telling me I’m manipulative. This has happened several times. We had entire days of arguing because he wouldn’t drop it. I’m always pleading with him to calm down, intermittent of me yelling too, I’ll be honest.
This was three days ago. He texted me. I hope you have a good day at work I’m sorry for my behavior and how I treated you.. I sent him a text hours later saying that I needed time and space to reflect and focus on work and personal things. He never responded. Like I said it’s been three days without a response to my “I need space”.
Tonight I’m going to a therapist so I’m going to ask her the same thing. Is it ok to just leave it at that and never talk to him again? I have a few things at his house but I don’t feel safe around him. It sucks because a couple of the things are sentimental and one is a dress I just bought but it was only 70 dollars.
The entire relationship wasn’t like this. It was just when he got mad he was very unpredictable. Either way I’m afraid of being emotionally abused or physically hurt if we get into it again. Btw he’s a 220 lb body builder. He’s in his mid twenties. I’m 140 lb 40 years old.
Believe me, I know it was a mistake getting in this relationship. Never again. It started out just for fun but it evolved and we actually loved each other. It was just a whirlwind of a volatile relationship.
I just wanted to know is it ok to leave it at that after a year and a half of being so close?

I live in a very small town and I have been getting massages from my therapist forever. We always talked about how we wish yoga was in our town because a 35 minute drive each way sucked. She said she was taking classes to become a instructor and I was thrilled. However. Im not so sure about the yoga now.
I went to class last Thursday and the guy that instructed her was the instructor. It was relaxing yoga so we started in savasana and the music choice was straight out of a boisterous Bollywood dance number, but ok its not that bad.
Move into legs on wall pose to hold for a while. The music started fine but I realized really quick it was I want to know what love is by Foreigner remaster into a Indian vibe. Ok again... but then the instructor jacked the music up, like at a party loud and he left it there for the whole refrain of the song that went on forever and ever. Relaxation ruined.
To close the night in savasana he put on Enya and again he jacked it through the roof. It was so loud it was almost hurting my ears.
After class when I thanked him and went to leave he asked me if I wanted to take his classes to become a instructor. I declined . He pushed and said it was only 1200$ for 200 hours and I declined again. And then he said that I could split it up into payments of 200$ and its only 3x a month on weekend. I declined again and he said it was no problem he would get my email from my therpist and email me!
I honestly love her and I see her often, but this seems shady and weird and I dont think I can pay 15$ to go there for another loud and not relaxing session. Am I wrong for thinking this teacher had a really off vibe about him and not going back?

ok so therapy for the first time (i’ve had like 3 sessions) and i feel like i want my therapist to psycho analyze me and give me her opinions, but she kinda just validates my emotions and then encourages me to talk more. if i don’t know how to feel my emotions, i want solutions and a plan of action, not her paraphrasing my words back to me. so is this normal? is this what therapy is or can i look for a different therapist?

I have the feeling that some days I can eat certain foods and I'm fine and the next week I eat exactly the same thing and I get so bloated and it huuuurts. I've been thinking about writing down what I eat and how my body reacts but I'm wondering if anyone had any success with elimination of foods that cause bloating. I know many people eat the fodmap diet but I've heard numerous gastroenterologist say how the ultimate goal is to eat everything again and constantly avoiding certain foods will make your gut even more reactive.
Anything you guys can recommend? Like teas or something, not detox teas but herbal teas or supplements that help with your endo belly? A physical therapist once recommended massaging your belly but my scar tissue from surgery still hurts when doing that.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for EMDR, which helped the flashbacks but may have run it’s course, so I’m wondering what else may be available.
I have trouble with negative beliefs formed due to trauma. I know logically that the beliefs are not always true however they still cause anxiety that affects my functionality.
The therapist said we can do EMDR for those thoughts as well, but we tried it and it felt like it opened a big can of worms on old traumas that I now can’t close; I feel worse since doing it even three weeks ago.
I told her and she said ok we don’t have to do it again, but now it’s devolved into plain talk therapy, which I’ve never thought has been helpful.
I feel like maybe cognitive processing therapy or even straight CBT (which I’ve done years ago) may be better?

The following vent is much more of a general vent about my life and thoughts than a vent about a specific bad day or topic. I'm going to be writing quite a bit, so if you don't have the time I don't recommend trying to read it, because I feel you should only read it if you can make it to the end of my vent.
I'm posting this because I just wanna have all my thoughts spilled over a public page. For no particular reason. Maybe people may see this and some may give advice, and while I'd definetly appreciate it, getting advice is not the MAIN reason I am writing this here. I just need to have this sitting here because it's just what my brain is telling me to do.
I have been wanting to write this for maybe a month now, but just never got around to to it until now.
First, a lil' introduction:
I am a guy, I am 16 years old and I was born in Romania and been living here since.
Ok, now without further ado, I will begin listing off the 5 main topics that have been frustrating me for the past few years.

1 My Ethnicity and Its Bullshit

I am a gypsy. More specifically a "spoitor", one of the many subgroups of gypsies in Romania.
Now, I know what you may think when reading that, but no, I am not talking about racism.
I have never been made fun of or bullied for being a gypsy.
So it's not a racism problem. Rather, it's more about the gripes I have with my ethnicity's people myself. More specifically the dumb traditions and culture and how they affect me:
-Our traditions We have so many unnecessarily trashy aspects to our traditions, especially marital ones. So basically, in most cases at least, the groom and bride's parents choose their spouses for them, or at least heavily influence their decision. It usually goes like this: The groom's parents find a bride for their son. They pay the bride's parents money for their daughter's hand in marriage for their son. So the groom and bride end up together because the parents and maybe other relatives decided so, instead of just two people falling in love with eachother and deciding to get married. Although I see that many of the new weds among my close and distant relatives are seemingly happy with their spouses, so I'm not exactly sure about every aspect. But yeah, there's arranged marriage. Now, besides the arrangement of the marriage, I've also noticed many of the grooms and brides pairs are related to some degree, usually not to the point of first degree cousins though. Nonetheless, incest is not as frowned upon in our ethnicity as you'd hope. So there's that. Now besides the fact that many marriages are arranged, and there's a pretty high chance the espoused are somewhat related, most of these marriages occur when the weds are between the ages of 12-17. So, we also got a whole lotta teen marriage. And also, they usually have kids soon after their marriages, so teen pregnancy is also common. And besides their weird obsession with early marriage, they also put so much emphasis on virginity that there's a tradition where relatives will gather at an event where the groom and bride have to have sex for the first time while a white shirt is placed under them, and one of the old relatives (I can't remember exactly which) then takes that bloodied shirt and shows it off to the people at the event to demonstrate the bride's virginity. Oh, I forgot to mention that it's mandatory only for the bride to be a virgin at the time she marries her husband, but the groom could have as many bodies as he wants by then. Which brings me to my next point: Gender inequality. And overall overbearing gender roles you're expected to adhere to.
-Our culture It's really dumb and douchey. Who would have thought? There's a great emphasis on acting grander and richer than you are, excessive cockiness and flexing, unnecesarry conflicts, a lack of education, and overall being an ignorant, insensitive, close-minded and conservative douchebag. Most of our people are homophobic, racist and very judgemental in general. They are very loud and obnoxious towards people, and lack self awareness. They never bring facts to their arguments, instead they just bark at eachother and maybe eventually fight dirty using blades, swords or axes, and over the most stupid irrelevant shit. They also have unconventional, risky jobs. And they're also way more superstitious and guillible on average than non-gypsies. Also more likely to abuse things like alcohol/smoking, and to become beggars. Many of them have improper hygiene. And the kids want to grow up too fast. I could just go on and on. But that's not really culture, it's more of a general personality and way of living.
When it comes to things like music and fashion though, we don't fare much better. Although I do have to say things like that are subjective.
And in my subjective opinion, our music and fashion sucks ass.
The music spoitor gypsies (and gypsies in general) listen pretty much exclusively to is called "manele" (it's very popular with non-gypsy romanians in general too). It's kinda like a oriental type of music with whiny melodic vocals, and there's other variations of it in other balkanic neighbours and middle eastern countries. The drums are pretty much the same in all songs, most of the manele singers sound very similar, and just in general all manele songs sound like eachother. But yeah, I just don't personally fuck with this type of music, however it's pretty much the only music my parents and relatives listen to, so I constantly am bombarded with it. Therefore I've kinda started despising it, even though I'm expected to like it too.
Music aside, my people's sense of fashion sucks ass too. Again, in my subjective opinion.
It's basically tacky ass designs and patterns, slim fitting clothes, edgy text and things like Gucci/Versce type lions and gold prints and just a whole bunch of goofy shit. Also a lot of ugly designer clothes (usually fake). It's more about the brand than the look. But yeah, overall many ridiculous patterns, eyesore bright colors, childish matchy ass outfits and overall clothes that just scream "Give me attention!!!". And once again, I am expected to want to dress like that too. Which I don't.
And how do these things affect me? Well, I am constantly expected to like and embrace/adopt their culture and adhere to their traditions too, and frankly, that's just not who I am, and attempting to be like that just gives me identity crisises and a lack of self expression. Fuck that. Trashy ass culture. It's like you took many of society's flaws and dialed 'em up to 11.

2 My Loneliness and Lack of Connections

I don't have many friends. Outside of my cousins, I'm genuinely friends with only one dude at school. And we pretty much only see eachother at school. Now don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, spending time with him is nice, we have many common interests to discuss and similar moralities. However, I would really like to connect to more people, and have a group of friends I know I could depend on to have fun and hang out with.
I mean there are 2-3 other guys that I don't go to high school with but I went to middle school with. We were friends in middle school and hung out sometimes. I'm technically still friends with them, but we haven't really been seeing eachother. Maybe only once every few months. At this point we're more like acquaintances on good terms than friends. And I just... don't feel very connected to them anymore. Like when we hang out something doesn't feel right. There was this one dude whom me and my best (and only) friend used to be a trio with. But him and my friend got into a fight once and stopped being friends. Then I was basically split between hanging out with the two separately, and eventually I kinda stopped talking to the dude. We never told eachother officially that we're not friends anymore or something, we just kinda fell out of connection with eachother, and I remained friends with my current best friend.
Yet once again, even though I do have one great friend, and a couple of nice cousins I hang out with, it just doesn't feel like enough to me for some reason.
In general, in public at least, I'm a quiet, awkward and shy person, mostly with new people, which made it pretty hard for me to make other friends. I'm introverted too, so my social battery is pretty low. Yet I don't want to be alone, I just don't know how not to be. I've missed quite a few opportunities of meeting new people and meeting older acquaintanes again, yet I was kept away from it by my social anxiety.
I spend most of my time alone, but not necessarily always because I want to.
I desperately want to have a bigger, connected group of friends to hang out with on the daily. Play fun games and record silly videos with them. Discuss personal issues and encourage eachother. Look at the stars in the night sky together and relax. But it just isn't happening, and I don't know how to get over my social anxiety and awkwardness, and it feels impossible to achieve.
I cannot hold a proper conversation with someone if I haven't known them for a while already. I'm reluctant to speak to the staff at stores or tell people on the bus that I need to get off the bus, because I keep fearing people care more than they actually do, and am afraid of judgement. I am especially awkward when it comes to talking to girls.
I feel weirdly envious seeing people hang out in large groups or having a significant other, makes me feel so left out and pathetic, like I'm missing out. I can't help but blame myself, because what else am I supposed to do?
I hate having social anxiety and a lack of social skills. It's eating away at my happiness anytime I remind myself of it.
And when it comes to my parents, well, although I'd say we're on at least ok terms with eachother, their conformation to the previously mentioned gypsy culture they try to enforce on me sours our interactions on the daily, and we just kinda have nothing in common to hang out over. And whenever I try being my true self and express my interests to them they judge me for it. So my relationship with my parents always goes from pretty alright to ohmygodimgonnafuckingleavethishouse. And through it all, I can't help but feel disconnected from them, which is so weird and kinda sad, because I felt genuine love for them when I was younger.
And when it comes to siblings, I have none.
So yeah, I'm lonely and I hate it. But actually trying to interact with new people is scary and tiring, so I hate that too. It's like an endless fucking vicious cycle of feeling depressed due to loneliness and feeling anxious due to attempting to socialize.

3 My Insecurities and Unfortunate Circumstances

I have a major insecurity: I'm a short dude. 5'5 (165 cm). I know it's not something I can change, therefore not something I should waste time and energy focusing on, but I just can't help it. When I see younger people and girls my age taller than me and I feel so bitter. It's just how my brain works. I get fucking happy when I see dudes shorter than me, how fucked up is that?
Besides that, I'm a little chubby, but I've been working on it and I'm like 6 lbs (3 kg) away from reaching my ideal weight. So that's something I'll fix, but in the moment it's still kinda annoying.
That's where the physical insecurities stop. I consider myself somewhat average to even maybe handsome when it comes to my face, just depends on the day. And I don't have problems like acne or crusty skin.
But now come some inconvenient circumstances that make feel more insecure in other areas.
One of them is my parents not wanting to accept my personal style, the way I wanna dress and have my hair cut, and it makes me feel so restricted and like I can't truly be myself. Which by the way is one of the things souring our relationship. While dressing and doing my hair the way they want me to makes them pleased, it also makes me feel opressed and disingenuous.
Another is that I don't really have my own proper room. I mean yeah, there is this room I sleep in and spend most of my time in, but it's less my room, and more just the only bedroom in our house.
So basically, this is my grandpa's fault. He had quite a huge amount of money but was greedy with it, so when he got our house constructed he only built one bedroom for all three of us (me, my mom and my dad). I slept with my parents 'til pretty late because of this, as I only started sleeping alone at the age of 9, when my parents moved to sleep on an extendable couch that becomes a bed, in the living room.
But yeah, the room I sleep is just a bed and a TV, with a closet with my parent's clothes in it, while my clothes are in a closet in the living room, the room my parents sleep in. Confusing, I know. But basically it was like it was never planned for me and my parents to sleep separately, which in turn caused the design of our house to be very inefficent and badly thought out.
I just want a desk in my room, you know? Something to put my PC on. It's currently in the living room.
Speaking of my PC, this one is partially my fault, but after having a potato PC since I was 3, I finally upgraded to a new one 2 years ago. My main goal was of course to run games smoothly. But, because I did improper research and my dumb ass thought the amount of RAM was more important than the video card when it comes to games, I got an expensive PC with a good motherboard and 32 GB of RAM, but with a shitty video card since I didn't focus on it. So yeah, there I was, new PC, but games running just as badly as on the old one because I was stupid.
I mean, even if would've had a good PC now, since it sits in the living room as I mentioned earlier I would have possibly been judged by my parents for the games I played on it, even if there was nothing inherently wrong with them.
And yeah I guess having some self-expressive posters and stickers in "my room" would've been nice too, but that's also not a possibility.
But at least somehow I guess my family got the bigger end of the stick. One of my mother's sisters (my aunt ofc), with her 2 daughters and her husband still have to live with my grandparents AND another one of my aunts and her husband, while another aunt lives in a cheap dirty apartment.
So my grandparents made a lot of money, but refuse to use it, therefore my family and my other direct relatives' families have to live in these flawed ways.
But yeah, I can't wait for us to rebuild our house eventually, so I can have my own proper bedroom and so can my parents.

4 My Lack of Productivity

Since I spend most of my time alone, in a room with only a bed, TV and a closet, I end up spending like 85% of my time on my phone.
Thing is, I have a few interests: drawing, animation, music, writing and photo/video editing. It's just that the combination of a lack of a proper personal space and minimal social interaction make me unable to motivate myself to actually pursue any of these interests or practice them as hobbies. I do doodle sometimes on my phone, but that's about as far as it goes. And I don't even at least consume content that would add to my culture, like watching movies/tv shows, reading books/comics or listening to albums. I just either mindlessly scroll through the same 3 social media apps or watch some meaningless video on YouTube, maybe even while snacking on junk food. Or maybe rub one out to porn after spending too much time picking the video.
Oh, have I mentioned that I'm also doing more poorly than ever when it comes to school and my academic endeavors? Oh, I didn't? Well, now I did. I'm not failing my classes, I'm just not putting in as much effort as I could, because it feels meaningless, but this is such a lazy approach.
So I do nothing good with my free time because of the frustration I have with other things in my life. At best maybe I'll hang out with my cousins.

5 My Overthinking Brain

Honestly, my mind might just be my biggest enemy. Pretty much any second I don't distract myself with my phone, my mind is going all out worrying about the most stupid shit. From cringing at that one thing I did years ago, to having existential crises over wondering what comes after death. From panicking about my future job and career to being overly curious to try drugs. My brain is active all the time, yet it chooses to keep on teasing me with problems I shouldn't even worry about. While I may come off as excessively negative in this rant, I actually am a rather optimistic person a good portion of the time, I just have this inconsistent mood, swinging between depressed and hopeful out of nowhere.
It makes me sometimes wish I was just dumber. So I wouldn't have to overthink anything and lose so much time and so many opportunities.
Basically my actual life is very underwhelming and boring while inside my mind I am constantly overwhelmed by the amount of possibilities and things in this world. Sometimes I even thought about suicide, but never actually considered doing it.
At this point I don't know if I may have some mental illness, and I don't know if I'll find out because if I'd tell my parents I want to see a therapist they'd either probably laugh at me or scold me then bring me to church or some shit.
So yeah. Through all these things that make me so unsatisfied with my life, I can't help but think I'm overreacting. Most of these things are pretty insignificant (I think) but there's so many of them it adds up and makes me want to just cry. But I can't. I'm emotionally numb.
And I'm tired. So tired. Physically and mentally (especially).
Just.. Just tired.
I'm tired.

The Order of Prince Yaroslav the Wise, fifth class, is the highest rank a Ukrainian foreign national can achieve. Its newest inductee is back home in Florida and has been in the shower so long he’s lost track of time. His feel for the present moment will return in about thirty seconds when the hot water runs out. His hair has been both shampooed and conditioned. His body throughly soaped. It’s the shower’s warm solitude he cannot leave. There is plenty to do today; an interview at a radio station at eleven, lunch with his sponsor, an early dinner at his mom’s pastor’s. All of them want to know more about his experience overseas, they want to know how the war is progressing, they want to hear how he went from Highland Hills High School to war hero. What they don’t want to hear, what David does not want to hear, is how cold his new found notoriety makes him feel. Before can explore his melancholy any further, the hot water goes. The steam rising above the shower clears as a lukewarm solution rinses the remaining soap and warmth off David’s body. He remembers taking similarly cold showers in Ukraine, and how happy he was to have them. It’s shocking how clean a man can get with a half full bucket of water and a couple of towels.
“Ah look at Abie! Clean enough for a Russian bitch.” says Bone in his thick provincial accent. Words David can’t remember Bone actually saying or they only sound like something he would say. Sitting around waiting for mechanics, waiting on orders, waiting on food, waiting on the Russians to start shooting, David didn’t know war could be so boring. The only thing Bone said he liked more than killing Russians was fucking them. The rest of the guys in the platoon knew Bone was probably lying, but he was their instructor, and they were the international volunteers, so he was never questioned. He was the only person in their platoon who spoke Russian and Ukrainian and English. One guy, this kid from Belgium, called Bone a cunt after failing to pull the pen on a grenade during a training exercise, and Bone gave it to him.
“What is this? You do not have to pull pens in Belgium? Or do you like to give your enemies the grenade so they can throw it back?” said Bone. He then effeminately ran around the kid saying, “Here Mr. German. Take my grenade. They are loud and I am afraid.” Bone comes back to his real voice. “Killing Russians is no different than driving a truck. It is your job. Don’t think. Don’t be like this Belgian. Pull the pin. Kill Russians.” The Belgian kid said something to Bone but no one knew what it was because no one spoke French. This didn’t stop Bone from hitting him in the face so hard it broke his nose. The kid quit later that day, and Bone got written up which David told him is like a kid being put in timeout during a house invasion.
“What is this time out?” Bone asked.
The water is cold so David gets out. In the kitchen his mother goes over the day’s itinerary again, just to be thorough she adds.
“Do you know where you are going David? No, sorry. Do you know where you are going Abie?” she asks as David grabs a breakfast banana.
“Yes ma’am.”
“You know parking can be difficult downtown. Be sure to take quarters for the meter.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“And be sure to be yourself. I hope they are nice to you. You know how the media likes to spin things these days. I don’t think they are too liberal but don’t let them put words in your mouth. If they ask you something you don’t want to answer, you just say ‘No comment'. You just tell your story. You are a hero. And then you’ll meet with Fred, and then dinner at Pastor's. Be there at four. If it’s ok with you I’m going to bring the medal. Pastor will want to see it. He’s a big fan of Zelensky.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Ok. Enough doting. That’s all you’re getting out to me today. Are you excited? Isn’t this exciting? News Radio 950 is doing a story about you. They want to hear about their local war hero…and that’s you. Give me a hug and get going before you are late.”
“Yes ma’am.”
In his car, David listens to Domination by Pantera at full volume. The heavy riffs, screaming and terrifying drums raise his spirit. Bone used to play it all the time. David hasn’t prepared anything for save his memory of his time in Ukraine. Perhaps Bone is giving an interview somewhere? You didn’t do anything wrong, he tells himself as he opens the station’s door. Inside he finds an attractive, young woman named Sara who has been emailing him for the past several weeks.
“Nice to officially meet. Right this way.”
David does his best not to stare at her as she leads him through corridor of offices and hallways.
“She looks nice. Go into an office with her.” says Bone.
“We’ve all been looking forward to having a more in-depth conversation with you. Our programming producer, who is also named David, will be asking you most of the questions. But I begged him to let me ask some too, so you might say I will also be interviewing you. I hope that’s ok?”
Sara’s blonde hair folds into a neat part on the left side of her head. David pictures her styling it in her bathroom, in a bathrobe. It’s been a while since he has smelled perfume. He found a bottle in an abandoned apartment in Zaporizhzhia and kept it. It had some Chinese lettering he couldn’t read, but it smelt nice. Some of the guys teased him when they found it saying he was going to attract Russian because he smelt like an Asian. Sara’s perfume smells expensive and French. She introduces him to David the producer and the three of them find three seats on the end of a conference room table. Sara sits on the same side as David. After introductions, David starts the interview by saying even though he is not sure exactly when the piece will air, he is certain it will before the end of the month. He then adds something about how David is a hero for doing what he did.
“So tell us how you found yourself in Ukraine?”
“Well it was pretty easy really. I went online and volunteered for the IVB, that was the name of my unit, the International Volunteer Brigade. I don’t think I talked to a real person until I booked my flight to Poland. It was mostly just forms I was filling out online. So yeah it was pretty easy. So I landed in Krakow and my recruiter picked me up. I stayed in a hotel for a few days while we waited on a couple more guys to show up. One was from Spain, another from Portugal. The Portuguese guy never showed, or if he did he didn’t come with us. I guess he could have volunteered with another outfit. I guess that’s the thing about the war I didn’t really expect. We were always just kinda losing people. And I don’t mean they were killed, although a lot of them were. I mean guys would just be with you one minute and gone the next. And then you’d find them a week later and I go, ‘Where have you been?’ ‘Oh I’ve been in Dnipro’ or ‘Oh I got picked up by the Regs.’ It was crazy. The only place where that didn’t happen was the front.”
“Who do you mean by ‘the Regs?’” asks David.
“The regular army. The Ukrainians. The good guys we were there to help. Sometimes they would be short a man so they’d just nab one of the volunteers. That was a bad gig. The Ukrainians wanted their most motivated guys fighting in the worst places. I only had to do it a couple of times, but…it was not something I did and wanted to do again. ”
David rubs his hand over his arm. He can’t smell the hot blonde anymore, only trench dirt and gun oil. The soil of Donetsk had a deep brown color to it he always enjoyed. Even with snipers supposedly in the area, digging was one of his favorite jobs. The earth smelled vibrant, full of worms and nitrogen and reminded him of his granddad, coming in from a day of field work, his jeans and boots caked in a rich layer of his land.
“So tell us what is it like being a hometown celebrity?” asks Sara. “You’re from here so people already know you, but what’s it like now? I mean now, gosh, everyone i know has been talking about this kid from Highland who won a medal from Zelensky. Did you get to bring it by the way? You were on the national news. It was NBC, but still…”
A bouquet of scents and questions. David looks across the room and sees Bone sitting with a heavy slouch in a chair at the other end of the conference table. He looks rough; still alive but not by much. He sits holding his side, his chin on his chest.
“It’s neat I guess. I walk down the street and people call my name. I take lots of pictures with people. Everyone is really nice. I felt like I was kinda a wallflower before.It’s something I think lots of people think about experiencing. I know I did, I just never thought it would be for this.”
“What did you want to be when you were a boy?” asks Sara.
“I don’t know. The normal stuff; doctor, fireman, my Dad was in sales, so not that. I think about it a lot. I think mostly I just wanted to be good. I didn’t like getting into trouble.”
“Oh my gosh, I was the exact same.” says Sara. Then durning her boss she adds “David, I don’t know if you knew this about me and this David, but we actually went to Highland High at the same time. I was a senior when you would have been a freshman, but I swear I remember you. I thought you were cute.”
“Don’t be trying to steal my assistant Dave. Can I call you Dave?”
“David’s fine.”
Bone perks up and tells them to call him Abie
“Ok so let’s get back on track. You’re over there, you’re fighting Russians, you’re helping the Ukrainians, can you tell us, what was that like?”
“What is war like?”
“Yeah the war, but you’re doing a good thing. You volunteered to help an oppressed people, to fight against tyranny, something I think our listeners think our government should have done a long time ago. But while our President sits on his ass, you bravely go do the thing that needs be done. God it must have been exhilarating, but I don’t know, I don’t want to put words in your mouth.”
Bone lays his head back on the desk and says something David can’t quite make out but thinks he knows what his commander is saying.
“Meta.”
“What?” asks David.
“It’s a Ukrainian word I learned while over there. It means purpose, but more than just doing a job, it’s your calling. It’s a word the priests with the beards use a lot. Everyday I knew exactly what was expected of me and what I could expect from everyone around me. I had clarity for the first time in my life. I felt like I could see for miles in every direction, like sitting on the roof watching all the cars going by.”
Bone stands up out of his chair and walks out of the office.
“Even when I was scared I knew that was to be expected. And when I was tired, I knew that too was to be expected. And when I was hungry, and wet, and cold, and angry enough to kill. I knew that too was to be expected because war is a cauldron. Everything gets boiled into a singularity. It’s terrifying but also pretty damn motivating. What sucks is that I can already feel everything starting to get cloudy again.”
Leaning his belly against the table, David leans in to ask his next question as if he does not want to be heard.
“Did you, you know…and this will be off the record…did you kill anyone else?”
Sara places her empty hand on the table, an offering for David to hold should his answer prove too much. But David knows the answer is not too much for his has thought of little else.
“Nope. Just the one.”
After another few minutes of hearing how brave he has been, how proud his family must be and how grateful the station is to have him come in, the interview is over. The producer shakes David’s hand and Sara walks him out. She mentions that friends of her’s are going to a new bar in the Depot and suggests David should come too. He says he can come but it will be late because he has dinner plans. “That’s ok. I’ll be there pretty late.”
—————————
Only a few blocks from the radio station, David pulls into a Waffle House parking lot. There is condensation on the windows of the building and cigarette butts near the door. Nothing here breathes well, David notes. Inside he finds his old sponsor sitting at booth by himself. David sees Fred before Fred sees him and for a moment considers leaving. However, he sees Bone sits in the corner of the restaurant, smiling and looking to flirt with a chubby waitress with grown sons.
“How the hell are you Abie?” says Fred. No turning back now.
“Sober for today.”
“Me too.”
The pair order eggs, toast and bacon. The cook makes each of them a waffle on the house after recognizing David. He finishes his plate before Fred can finish a piece of toast. Meals happen quick on the battlefield and David can’t seem to slow himself down long to enjoy his food. Bone is no longer in the corner. David sees him moving around the room; following an old lady into the restroom. He comes out with a grotesque look on his face. “That little woman took the biggest shit I’ve ever seen! Abie, come and look at it. It won’t flush. Call in a drone strike. We are going to have to pull back!”
“So” says Fred, “Mr. War Hero, how are you really? You’ve got recognition, a war recommendation, you’re doing interviews, you still got your sobriety. Life seems to be going well, but…”
“How I am really?” When he was in NA Fred could always sniff out if he was high. As his sponsor that was his job, but David never liked it. I know you say you’re fine, but how are your really. Effective, but crude. Fred taps his finger to the tip of his nose. Bingo kid. David looks around the room for Bone but doesn’t find him.
“I’m good man. Things are going well. Everyone always asks me how I’m doing, but I’m really fine. I honestly don’t feel much different than when I left. Same shit different day you know? Girls come up to me now, so that’s different I guess. So…yeah…things are good. Still sober. No real temptation to go back down that road. Been working the Steps since I got back. Doing the work. I didn’t even think about getting high when I was over there. I’m serious. Not once. I’ve got a therapist that I’m seeing. She’s really smart. And I get to see her for free. It’s part of some rehabilitation program from the federal government. I’m moving out of my Mom’s soon. I found an apartment through the church she goes to. There is a guy there who owns a bunch of places and he hooked me up with a really nice place for really cheap. He gave us a really good deal on it. The same guy said I could come work for him too when I felt I was ready. He has a real estate business and said he is always looking for new realtors. With my story, he told me, he thinks I could to really well.”
Bone sits in the booth next to Fred. His face his clean, empty. Without blinking, moving or saying anything he stares at David; human mirror he is unsure is alive or dead, in a Waffle House in Florida or an expensive dirty tank in Ukraine.
“But then I think, do I really wanna use my story to sell real estate? Some douchebag buys an apartment I’m selling him because I killed a Russian general. That’s not why I went over there. And who would even ask me to that? They don’t know what it was like. They make it seem like going over there was no big deal, that killing generals is something that happens all the time, or that the war is going well. Really man, I got so lucky with that shot. I’ve had trained snipers tell me they probably couldn’t hit a target at that range. But I did. I did that and I know I could never do it again. Even if I could, I don’t know if I’d want to. I didn’t know that guy. I mean I now know a bunch of stuff about him, but it’s only what I’ve been told. They told me that he supported Putin from the beginning and that a lot of the war planning was his idea. Ok. If you say so Bone. But I looked this guy up, he has a wikipedia page, and a wife, and kids, probably grandkids. I don’t know if his family is proud of him or not, but I know they will never see him again. And then just the charade of it all. So I got to meet the Ukrainian War Minister, Zelensky’s right hand man. Still not worth it. There’s just nothing noble or romantic about it. It’s all just a cold, black hole that runs on death and killing and for some reason you have to look at it…at least I do. I suppose I thought at some point I would see something. Never did though.”
Bone breaks his stare and cracks a smile.
“And for who, for what Fred? What is going to happen when all of this is over other than the same thing that happens after every war. A cabal of erudite assholes are going to meet in an overly secure room in the Netherlands and draw a new line in between Ukraine and Russia which is exactly what those same assholes did seventy years ago, and seventy years before that, and in seventy years we’ll do the same thing all over again. Wash, rinse and repeat. That line makes about as much sense as the first day of Spring. Sure, there is an official first day of Spring, March 20th or whatever, but we all know that there was some really warm days before the 20th and there is going to be some real cold days afterwards. But the 20th is the official day. It doesn’t make Spring happen. It just kinda helps sense out of a blurry situation. It wasn’t two days after getting there I realized the whole thing is so complicated. Half the regs were guys who had either lived in Russia at some point, gone to school there mostly, or had family living there. It felt like trying to break up a fight at a family reunion, only everyone is holding ARs as they argue about whether or not the 20th is the first day of Spring. The conflict goes back so far you can’t make out the start. And the profiteering my god, that’s what really gets me. Just like that asshole who wants to use the war to sell real estate, all the arms manufacturers who are pouring guns and bullets and tanks into Ukraine, propping this war machine so they can win another government contract. It’s sick. The people running those companies have the first available seat in hell. And Putin too. He started this whole mess. First him, then a nice row of CEOs and shareholders, that’s who I want to in hell. And there is never talk of any alternative. None. Not even a whisper. Just two sides trying to exhaust the other for a better seat at the bargaining table.”
Bone gets up to leave, but not before stretching his back, revealing a large, dark red stain in his uniform, just above his waist line.
“So here I am in all my hometown glory.” says David, “The renown Prince of the Order of the Ukrainian Shit-Show.”
There is a wet spot on David’s pants which he is not sure how it got there. He looks at Bone who is already out the door and running down the street. It’s ok, David thinks to himself, I know where he is going. ———————————————— At the 7-11 next to Waffle House David buys two tall boys and two shots of Jack. He pours the whiskey into the cans and kills the second one as he pulls into Pastor’s driveway where several Mercedes, Teslas and BMWs are parked. David clears his throat, spits into the bushes and unwraps a stick of gum. He enters the house after two hard knocks.
“Oh I think that is him.” David hears his mom say after shutting the large, dark front door. She comes around the corner of the corridor to tell him he is late and to take his shoes off.
“But my socks don’t match.”
“Well take those off too! Pastor just put down new carpet.”
“Ah well, since there is new carpet involved. Let’s not walk on the new carpet.”
The rest of the dinner party comes around the corridor in their socks. Each of them personally thanks David for coming and for his service. The men shake his hand. The women all give him hugs. By the end of introductions David has met two bankers, two retirees, and handful of housewives, as well as two more pastors and their wives. Bone is the last to shake his hand. He tells Abie he smells like old lady perfume. Elenor, Pastor’s wife, takes David’s arm, sliding her’s underneath his, leading him into their recently renovated kitchen. The rest of the group follows.
“Well dinner is almost ready. As we wait, why don’t you tell us about Ukraine.”
“Leave him alone Ellie,” says Pastor, “maybe he’s tired of talking about it.”
“I don’t mind.” says Abie. “I don’t mind telling people about blowing some Russian guy’s head off.”
“David Absalom!”
“It’s ok Mom. Yeah so I saw this column of tanks approaching our trench, which ran parallel to this road running west outta Horlivka. I don’t think they knew it was there, or if they did know, they sure as shit didn’t know we were in it, which was weird because we’d been trading fire with them all day. We were all scared shitless. It was only me and Jizzy and Bone. Right Bone? Oh yeah, it wasn’t Jizz it was that kid from Croatia. The one who fucking just ran off one day. I don’t remember his name. Anyways, Bone tells us to all be real still, play like we are dead. So this entire tank column passes by us. Takes for fucking ever. Couldn’t have been more than an hour, but it felt like ten. Finally it starts to let up you know, the last tank passes. So Bone takes the radio and tries to find a spot to call it in. As he is doing that I see the last tank, which was what Bone, about four hundred yards from us? Anyway, he comes to a stop, and out pops the unluckiest son of bitch in the whole war. The General gets out to take a piss, I take aim, figuring I’ll just scare him. And yeah. Bam. Headshot. He didn’t feel a thing; killed him with his dick in his hand. Speaking of which…if you will excuse me.”
“The bathroom is back down the hallway, first door on your left.” says Pastor.
“Is it a full bath?” ask Abie.
“Three-quarter.”
“Close enough.”
No one looks him in the eye, no one except Bone and Pastor. The bathroom has been redone in the same tile as the kitchen. David takes off his clothes, turns the steel knob in the shower to red, sits one floor and waits for the water to get warm.

I’ve been having SEVERE lower back soreness and pain since 8 weeks pregnant with sharp SI joint pain on the right side. I’m 20 weeks now. My OB brushed it off and told me it wasn’t related to my pregnancy. I found a PT,chiropractor, and massage therapist on my own who all agree it’s related to my pregnancy. I’ve been doing everything I can and do my PT exercises religiously but nothing helps. I can’t walk, do chores, go grocery shopping, or sit for more than an hour. I’m so depressed and I’m only half way through my pregnancy. I had to go on antidepressants because I’m just so miserable. I’m in pain all the time and I can’t find a doctor that has any solutions other than to “just deal with it”. I’m afraid of giving birth because I can’t imagine what that will do the my pelvis when it feels so fragile already. Does ANYONE have any suggestions??

Hi everyone!
A while ago I made a post asking for advice on how to manage training for my first marathon with a less than ideal schedule due to my travel arrangements (https://old.reddit.com/firstmarathon/comments/12doy3q/preparing_for_an_impromptu_first_marathon/?ref=share&ref_source=link)
The Stockholm Marathon was yesterday and I spent a very stressful week worrying about it. I mislead people a little out of embarrassment when I was talking about my stats - I was in good running for last November when I was training for a half marathon attempt, but since March or so I have felt very under trained and weak compared to what I used to be. In particular, I have this issue where the muscles in my left leg seem to be too tight, which causes a straining feeling on my knee. I think this was my major hindrance on the day, but I was very scared that I would end up like one of the many people I saw being tended to by healthcare personnel along the route! I had a sports massage the day before which improved things significantly so I really recommend that!
Anyway, to cut a long story short I finished without stopping to walk, and my time was 4 hours 15 minutes! I was extremely pleased with this, and for the last 2km even had the fuel left in the tank to open up my gait and "sprint" a little. I am so grateful for all the comments and support I received from everyone on this sub and on /RunningShoeGeeks. :)
I ended up running in my Hoka Rocket X shoes. I think if I run anything close to that distance again I will buy a pair of Saucony Endorphins or a similar marathon shoe - I saw quite a few serious looking runners with shoes like that.
I was not prepared for the physiological process that would follow the race. Yesterday I had zero appetite until 4 - 5 hours after finishing, and felt surprisingly ok. Then after having my big meal for the day in the evening, I suddenly felt super feverish and queasy, as well as sleepy. I had a good night's sleep and woke up feeling very run down today but not in pain or anything.
I am not too sure how I feel about the marathon distance myself - it's a long chunk of time to commit, and if nothing else I got quite bored after the first half. Think in the future I will work on improving my half marathon time as I quite like that distance - but who knows. :)
Thanks again for everyone who took the time to share their perspective and help me! If it would be useful to ask me anything I am happy to share my experience.

My Ex Wife (F31) and I met in college lets call her Lorie . Lorie was the love of my life and the mother of my two kids. I was offer a job position in another country and was constantly away . About six months at a time . Lorie never hinted she was bother by it, for the most part she was very supportive .
I didn't realize she wanted me gone for other reasons. In 2019 I came home early from a business trip only to Find Lorie in the middle of a threesome with two of the neighbors ( both males). She tried to explain the situation to me as I argued with the two men to leave. They both left after some choice words involving the 2nd amendment. Regardless I was crush I don't want to go into the complete details. I saw 2 mins of two men smashing my now ex wife. It left me catatonic that night .
She stayed in the room and got dress only to find me sobbing downstairs in my den. She began to explain that she wasn't happy with are sex life and that she miss us being together in that way. As she explained her reasons I felt like i couldn't hear the words she was saying to me. It could of been the Liquor but it felt like my hearing was gone. She explained how she wanted a open marriage and that she wanted to explore this side of her urges. I felt pure hatred in that moment as she said those words to me . For fear of what I might do I left without responding to her.
I got in my car she attempted to stop me from leaving but I just moved her away as she did. She began to cry and call me a "insecure coward" . As I drove off I heard her yell " we can fix this". I drove in a single direction the whole night till I reach a overpass. I wanted to jump to end it all in that moment . All that I could think about was my kids as I attempted to climb over the railing . I drove back several hours later and told her I wanted a divorce.
Several years later of lawyers , coparenting and losing 1/2 of my assets. Lorie seemed very spiteful because of my lack of interest in trying to save the marriage. She consistently tried to manipulate me into believing that my love for her was fake and that if I wasn't willing to fight for it, then it was never real. We split the custody 50/50 for the kids and adopted a civil but supportive coparenting policy for the kids.
Both Under the age of 7 didn't really understand the new arraignments. Which we both decided to keep private to keep the kids from suffering . She began to date immediately after the divorce process started . Which if im being truthful made me feel heartbroken again. I didn't want to see a therapist because I vowed that Love was something I didn't want to Fix or Feel again. As time went by I slept around went on dates and had minor relationships that ended in under a month.
My Now GF (F19) lets call her Marie . Marie was working as a barista at a local coffee shop. We had some flirty moments here and there. Till I finally decided to ask her out. Within 4 months of dating she confess she loved me. I felt the need to tell her my whole story which she accepted fully . I then told her how I didnt feel like love is something I could do . We didn't speak for a few days till she reach out and ask me if I was ok with her just loving me and being my GF officially. I told her as long as she understood the feeling was not the same. She insisted that she could love enough for the both of us, which honestly made me laugh a lil . I then told her that I might not love her but I will always be loyal in are relationship because that means more to me.
Now to the problem, We have had multiple family gathering sense then with my Ex wife and kids. I introduce her to my kids as my new Best friend. Trying to keep it very civil and even went as far as not being openly romantic around the kids . My Ex wife took it upon herself to use this opportunity to poison the kids against my girlfriend. My Oldest lets call Her Lucy and My youngest lets call her Daisy . Began to be cold and distant with my girlfriend . Lucy yesterday shouted at my Girlfriend after she was told to cut of the TV (at my request so that she could go to sleep early ). She Shouted " I know your trying to take my Daddy away from my Mommy", I immediately called my ex wife to explain to her what she had said. My ex Wife Replied " The kids deserve to know the home wrecker for what she is." HOW IS MY RELATIONSHIP the home wrecker ?! SHE CHEATED ON ME ! How do i even Fix this situataion. She once again through her selfishness has caused for me again .